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- Thread starter sarah84
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Whatever you do, leave Mom out of it
The decision of course is yours, but my best advice is to handle it yourself. You are 18 years old, this is a perfect opportunity to get some experience handling things on your own without running to Mommy. Besides, what will tattling to Mom accomplish besides getting her upset not only with her boyfriend but quite possibly with you as well? Now, if you were asking for advise on how to squeeze out as much drama, heartache, and tongue-lashing as possible from this situation, then I'd recommend telling Mom.
The decision of course is yours, but my best advice is to handle it yourself. You are 18 years old, this is a perfect opportunity to get some experience handling things on your own without running to Mommy. Besides, what will tattling to Mom accomplish besides getting her upset not only with her boyfriend but quite possibly with you as well? Now, if you were asking for advise on how to squeeze out as much drama, heartache, and tongue-lashing as possible from this situation, then I'd recommend telling Mom.
Re: Whatever you do, leave Mom out of it
...that's ridiculous. If her mother is any sort of mother at all, she'll want to know if *her* boyfriend is making advances toward her daughter, because in most cases that's *not* the kind of person she's going to want to be with. What if Vikki (Sarah?) does approach this on her own, and this guy turns resentful, or hostile, or whatever? Is it still no longer the mother's problem?
Honestly, the guy is already trying to see how much "illicit" behavior he can squeeze out of the situation, and apparently not being entirely honest with his SO if he's trying to sneak around with her young daughter. Best she be told about his actions so she can decide whether to ditch him before it gets worse, and he turns his sneakins' toward other women once he's got some kind of commitment.
drew70 said:
...that's ridiculous. If her mother is any sort of mother at all, she'll want to know if *her* boyfriend is making advances toward her daughter, because in most cases that's *not* the kind of person she's going to want to be with. What if Vikki (Sarah?) does approach this on her own, and this guy turns resentful, or hostile, or whatever? Is it still no longer the mother's problem?
Honestly, the guy is already trying to see how much "illicit" behavior he can squeeze out of the situation, and apparently not being entirely honest with his SO if he's trying to sneak around with her young daughter. Best she be told about his actions so she can decide whether to ditch him before it gets worse, and he turns his sneakins' toward other women once he's got some kind of commitment.
Roseblossom
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Do your mom a favor
and clue her into what kind of guy he REALLY is, so she can get him out of her life as quickly as possible.
~Rose~
and clue her into what kind of guy he REALLY is, so she can get him out of her life as quickly as possible.
~Rose~
Knox The Hatter
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My mom has a younger sister, who lives down in Tulsa. She was married to a guy years ago, whom she attended Oral Roberts University with before they kicked off their own ministry. Eventually, she found out that Mr. Second Husband had been sexually abusing her daughter from a previous marriage. The abuse went on for six years. Now, I'm not close to these people at all, and I couldn't tell you the lasting damage to my cousin (she's 36 now with a family of her own), but the point I want to make is that I don't wanna be Vikki's mom and have to find out in the future what a reprehensible, horrendous creep my boyfriend is, especially after he's become a husband...
My opinion, which is never humble, is that the mother should be told about this now. Before it becomes the grist for yet another 'Lifetime' exclusive made for TV movie.
My opinion, which is never humble, is that the mother should be told about this now. Before it becomes the grist for yet another 'Lifetime' exclusive made for TV movie.
Do yourself a favor and handle it on your own
Sarah, as you can see from some of the more frantic reactions here, this situation is an emotionally charging one for some of the folks here. Many are counseling you not of any concern for your well being, but rather out of a sense of outrage at his behavior. They look at him as a "criminal" who needs to be "brought to justice." A notion I find quite absurd myself, but like the others, I can only offer opinions.
I surmise from your post, and the fact that you're a member here at the TMF, that you enjoy being tickled. There's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with enjoying your Mom's boyfriend tickling you. It's no big deal. He's just bringing it to a point where you're getting a little uncomfortable, am I right? So what you do is draw the line between what's acceptable tickling, and what isn't. Communicate that line to him, and let him know you are serious. If he continues the inappropriate tickling dispite your objections, then cut him off altogether.
You'll be a little surprised and very proud of yourself for handling this situation. It will give you confidence for handling people problems in the future, because this guy is the first of many to come.
Sarah, as you can see from some of the more frantic reactions here, this situation is an emotionally charging one for some of the folks here. Many are counseling you not of any concern for your well being, but rather out of a sense of outrage at his behavior. They look at him as a "criminal" who needs to be "brought to justice." A notion I find quite absurd myself, but like the others, I can only offer opinions.
I surmise from your post, and the fact that you're a member here at the TMF, that you enjoy being tickled. There's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with enjoying your Mom's boyfriend tickling you. It's no big deal. He's just bringing it to a point where you're getting a little uncomfortable, am I right? So what you do is draw the line between what's acceptable tickling, and what isn't. Communicate that line to him, and let him know you are serious. If he continues the inappropriate tickling dispite your objections, then cut him off altogether.
You'll be a little surprised and very proud of yourself for handling this situation. It will give you confidence for handling people problems in the future, because this guy is the first of many to come.
Phineas, Roseblossom, "Knox The Hatter", Drew70, and P50 please reread the original post. Since when has Sarah84's mom's friend become a committed monogamous boyfriend?
Regarding getting the mom involved, I agree with one of drew70's points -- to a point. In the interest of gaining real world experience, it would help you to at least try to handle this yourself. If you encounter difficulties (especially if the guy doesn't back of as instructed), that's when you tell your mom, or the police, or both.
Angry tirade on social Issues follows -- skip if easily offended.
Regarding the "dirty old pedophile maniac" image that so many of you are projecting onto Sarah84's mom's friend: as far as I can tell, both he and Sarah84 are victims of the same social condition. I am tempted to call sufferers of this condition "morons", except there are so many of them around that I have to call them "normal" instead. They can't talk to each other! Somehow in the course of development of our fine civilization it has become very uncool for any two people to talk to each other in English (or whatever their native spoken language happens to be) about an alarming number of essential topics that concern them both. (Present Case Example: Sarah84 finds it difficult to tell her mom's friend which areas of her body he may touch and how.) Surprisingly enough, talking to third parties is OK. (PCE: Sarah84 would rather ask a forum full of people for advice before uttering a single word about this to her mom's friend.) Now add the ambiguous dynamics of "consent to tickling" to the mix -- how many times has someone told you "don't tickle me" and meant the opposite? Is it surprising, then, that the Friend would find it difficult to ask Sarah84 where he may tickle her? So being unable to ask verbally, he proceeds the only way he knows, which is to try more and more risky things until he gets some kind of signal that says "that's far enough". What else would you expect?
Now, regarding the pedophilia factor. So he is older than her by a factor of three. So what? She *is* legally an adult, he tickles her and she seems to be enjoying it (at least on the surface), he doesn't get any "stop" signals. Maybe he even wants her sexually. What's the problem? Ah, but this is a very unconventional situation, and there are no ethical patterns for it. If you can't discuss things, you shouldn't be trying something this unusual. But maybe he just doesn't know any better -- he is "normal", after all.
Regarding getting the mom involved, I agree with one of drew70's points -- to a point. In the interest of gaining real world experience, it would help you to at least try to handle this yourself. If you encounter difficulties (especially if the guy doesn't back of as instructed), that's when you tell your mom, or the police, or both.
Angry tirade on social Issues follows -- skip if easily offended.
Regarding the "dirty old pedophile maniac" image that so many of you are projecting onto Sarah84's mom's friend: as far as I can tell, both he and Sarah84 are victims of the same social condition. I am tempted to call sufferers of this condition "morons", except there are so many of them around that I have to call them "normal" instead. They can't talk to each other! Somehow in the course of development of our fine civilization it has become very uncool for any two people to talk to each other in English (or whatever their native spoken language happens to be) about an alarming number of essential topics that concern them both. (Present Case Example: Sarah84 finds it difficult to tell her mom's friend which areas of her body he may touch and how.) Surprisingly enough, talking to third parties is OK. (PCE: Sarah84 would rather ask a forum full of people for advice before uttering a single word about this to her mom's friend.) Now add the ambiguous dynamics of "consent to tickling" to the mix -- how many times has someone told you "don't tickle me" and meant the opposite? Is it surprising, then, that the Friend would find it difficult to ask Sarah84 where he may tickle her? So being unable to ask verbally, he proceeds the only way he knows, which is to try more and more risky things until he gets some kind of signal that says "that's far enough". What else would you expect?
Now, regarding the pedophilia factor. So he is older than her by a factor of three. So what? She *is* legally an adult, he tickles her and she seems to be enjoying it (at least on the surface), he doesn't get any "stop" signals. Maybe he even wants her sexually. What's the problem? Ah, but this is a very unconventional situation, and there are no ethical patterns for it. If you can't discuss things, you shouldn't be trying something this unusual. But maybe he just doesn't know any better -- he is "normal", after all.
oh, good Lord. You're right. I need to stop posting after being up all night - it's affecting my reading comprehension.
If her mom's not dating the guy, she doesn't need to be involved. Anything else I said may or may not apply. Take it as you will.
Roseblossom
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What I said was...
~Rose~
Do your mom a favor, and clue her into what kind of guy he REALLY is, so she can get him out of her life as quickly as possible.Roseblossom said:
~Rose~
Phineas, Roseblossom, "Knox The Hatter", Drew70, and P50 please reread the original post. Since when has Sarah84's mom's friend become a committed monogamous boyfriend?
She's absolutely right. All that was said was "My mom has this friend in his 50's and I'm 18." Not a fiance, lover, or even sex buddy. So really, all this guy is guilty of is tickling an adult relative of a friend of his, no different than tickling your best friend's cousin. And here some of you are wetting your maternal pants, painting him as a polygamist and child-molestor. For those of you ready to condemn this guy, I hope to God none of you ever serve as jurors. At least Phineas realized his error and posted a retraction. But what about Rose?...
Do your mom a favor, and clue her into what kind of guy he REALLY is, so she can get him out of her life as quickly as possible.
Ooh, still ready with the tar and feathers, eh Rose? Uh, Judge, I move to dismiss this juror on the grounds of emotional issues.
sole seeker
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Geeze, Sarah... lots of strong opinions on what this guy is doing and how you should handle it. I hope their intesity hasn't put you off, or caused you to give up reading these replies.
I for one, don't know what motivates this guy. I can't, because you don't seem to know, and you know him lots better than I do. Like many of the others here, I'm concerned that he does this primarily when your mom's not around. Personally, I think you ought to make sure everything's above board - bring it out in the open.
This doesn't have to be a big heavy confrontation. When you three are together bring it up. If you're uncomfortable with that, just mention it to your mom.
At 18 you're an adult in our society. That doesn't mean you exclude your mom from this issue though. IMO, she needs to be involved because it is her boyfriend putting hands on you. If his tickling you isn't sexual for him, I don't think she'll see it as a big deal. If it is, she has a right to know.
On the other hand, if tickling is sexual for you it's got to stop, no matter how he feels about it. Don't let anything come between you and your mom.
I for one, don't know what motivates this guy. I can't, because you don't seem to know, and you know him lots better than I do. Like many of the others here, I'm concerned that he does this primarily when your mom's not around. Personally, I think you ought to make sure everything's above board - bring it out in the open.
This doesn't have to be a big heavy confrontation. When you three are together bring it up. If you're uncomfortable with that, just mention it to your mom.
At 18 you're an adult in our society. That doesn't mean you exclude your mom from this issue though. IMO, she needs to be involved because it is her boyfriend putting hands on you. If his tickling you isn't sexual for him, I don't think she'll see it as a big deal. If it is, she has a right to know.
On the other hand, if tickling is sexual for you it's got to stop, no matter how he feels about it. Don't let anything come between you and your mom.
Knox The Hatter
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Uh, yes, you do have a point...looking at it from her point of view. Well, I'm going to make a point from the mother's point of view...
Speaking from the mother's perspective:
1) It's my house. My name is on the lease/mortgage, etc. Not my daughter's.
2) My daughter is an unmarried eighteen year old. While she is of an age where she can make such decisions, she is not financially independent enough to do so. Money talks, bullyouknowwhat walks.
3) My friend (status of this relationship is irrelevent) is fifty years old, and behind my back, is trying to exercise an overheated libido. My daughter is a bit mixed up over this, but my views and concerns are clear. That he chooses to do this behind my back indicates that he's not a friend, but a predator. I have a right to know just what is going on in my house.
Some people might view Mom as being a potentially meddlesome ayhole, triggering some memory of someone who might have checked your more amorous attentions. I'm foursquare in her corner though. She should know, and in no uncertain terms.
Speaking from the mother's perspective:
1) It's my house. My name is on the lease/mortgage, etc. Not my daughter's.
2) My daughter is an unmarried eighteen year old. While she is of an age where she can make such decisions, she is not financially independent enough to do so. Money talks, bullyouknowwhat walks.
3) My friend (status of this relationship is irrelevent) is fifty years old, and behind my back, is trying to exercise an overheated libido. My daughter is a bit mixed up over this, but my views and concerns are clear. That he chooses to do this behind my back indicates that he's not a friend, but a predator. I have a right to know just what is going on in my house.
Some people might view Mom as being a potentially meddlesome ayhole, triggering some memory of someone who might have checked your more amorous attentions. I'm foursquare in her corner though. She should know, and in no uncertain terms.
Knox The Hatter
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We disagree, Drew. I have served competently as a juror in the past, by the way. I managed to avoid the peremptory challenge on Voir Dire because the Defense Counsel was so taken aback by Neutron's opinions on matters of the world, that by the time he got to me he was totally mixed up 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀
Roseblossom
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drew, why don't you...
skip the personal attacks and stick to discussing the issues.
~Rose~
skip the personal attacks and stick to discussing the issues.
~Rose~
Okay Starfires, correct, you got me (and five or ten others) on a point of English,,,
<I>My Mom has a friend</I>
Sorry; when I read that, I interpolated the "friend" into "boyfriend" (not, incidentally, "a committed monogamous boyfriend", if you really want to play false interpolation accusations, but,,, whatever)
If we can change the (possibly falsely interpolated) word "boyfriend" to "friend", can anyone suggest the major problem that will occur if Sarah <I><B>DOES</I></B> raise the topic with both mother and the person in question in the room at the same time ?
May I also suggest a benefit in doing so ?
Suppose,,, just suppose,,,, that this guy has never seen the internet and has never had the support of the community that some of us have gained from being registered members of the TMF.
Suppose further,,, (really hard one to concoct in your mind, but try) that this guy is stressing out over his tickling feelings, and is frequently battling his inner desires and outer life circumstances.
Suppose further (anybody with me yet ?) that this guy is so pent up in a lifestyle that never supports his tickling thirst that he just about explodes if he gets the chance. (I know this is impossible for anyone reading to understand any of this.)
Now with these three (extremely unlikely, of course) suppositions in the context of my thesis, imagine what would happen if Sarah opens the topic of conversation in front of both mother and friend.
I do not enjoy the idea of my words being used to cause another person embarrassment or emotional pain in front of that person's friends, co-workers, or other cohorts,,,,,,
But,,,,
I would rather see the man turn beet red from embarassment, and lose his appetite for 36 hours, than for something like this to become a police matter.
If this happened to me, and I was in that guy's position, it would scare, embarrass, and humiliate me,,,,, and guarantee that I would never do it again.
No cops; one man; straightened up; probably working at a job; paying taxes;,,,,,,,,
Much better than the other way.
Sarah, I repeat myself: raise the topic in quiet controlled conversation when your mother and the friend are in the room.
Side benefit: the relationship between your Mother and yourself will be SSSSSSSOOOOOOO strengthened.
<I>My Mom has a friend</I>
Sorry; when I read that, I interpolated the "friend" into "boyfriend" (not, incidentally, "a committed monogamous boyfriend", if you really want to play false interpolation accusations, but,,, whatever)
If we can change the (possibly falsely interpolated) word "boyfriend" to "friend", can anyone suggest the major problem that will occur if Sarah <I><B>DOES</I></B> raise the topic with both mother and the person in question in the room at the same time ?
May I also suggest a benefit in doing so ?
Suppose,,, just suppose,,,, that this guy has never seen the internet and has never had the support of the community that some of us have gained from being registered members of the TMF.
Suppose further,,, (really hard one to concoct in your mind, but try) that this guy is stressing out over his tickling feelings, and is frequently battling his inner desires and outer life circumstances.
Suppose further (anybody with me yet ?) that this guy is so pent up in a lifestyle that never supports his tickling thirst that he just about explodes if he gets the chance. (I know this is impossible for anyone reading to understand any of this.)
Now with these three (extremely unlikely, of course) suppositions in the context of my thesis, imagine what would happen if Sarah opens the topic of conversation in front of both mother and friend.
I do not enjoy the idea of my words being used to cause another person embarrassment or emotional pain in front of that person's friends, co-workers, or other cohorts,,,,,,
But,,,,
I would rather see the man turn beet red from embarassment, and lose his appetite for 36 hours, than for something like this to become a police matter.
If this happened to me, and I was in that guy's position, it would scare, embarrass, and humiliate me,,,,, and guarantee that I would never do it again.
No cops; one man; straightened up; probably working at a job; paying taxes;,,,,,,,,
Much better than the other way.
Sarah, I repeat myself: raise the topic in quiet controlled conversation when your mother and the friend are in the room.
Side benefit: the relationship between your Mother and yourself will be SSSSSSSOOOOOOO strengthened.
Rose, as far as I'm concerned you can ....
try continuing this discussion with a little more objectivity and a little less posturing.
So, do you have any input other than "do your mom a favor and tell her so she can get him out of her life as quickly as possible"?
Let's discuss the issues, shall we?
hell, I see lots of really good reasons to get mom involved.
Do you? You've listed three here. I would think that "lots" would be a little more than that. I'd have to confess that these reasons you list are less than convincing.
This guy is messin with her young daughter, in her home.
How do you define "messin"? Are you saying she's being abused?? Her daughter is an adult. A consenting adult. We're talking about one adult tickling another. Mom just happens to be a roommate.
And as for 18 being an adult, most of the 18-year-olds I know are still inexperienced, anxious kids.
Every eighteen year old I know is a fully functioning adult, licensed to drive, registered to vote. Like it or not, when people turn eighteen, they are adults. Are they fully matured? Hardly. But I know many people in their 40s who aren't anywhere near fully matured. Most of the folks in this forum, you and I included, are nowhere near fully matured. Maturing is a lifetime process.
Sounds like this 50-year-old "friend" is exploiting his power and position of trust for his own gratification.
First of all, to what "power" are you referring?? Are you saying he's physically overpowering her, and tickling her without her consent? I don't see anything in Sarah's post indicative of this. As for position of trust, we don't know how far that extends. You're assuming that Mom "trusts" this guy not to tickle her adult roommate. Perhaps that's the case, but you don't know, and we can't assume that. And you say he's doing it for his own gratification, but isn't he also doing it for Sarah's gratification? His caution in testing the limits of her comfort zone indicates to me that he wants to make sure she's cool with it. From what I read in Sarah's post, the gratification seems mutual.
Rose, it sounds to me like you are projecting yourself into Mom's position, and are operating from that point of view. You think "OMG if a male friend of mine were tickling my baby like that, I'd want to know about it!" You seem to be more concerned with what's best for Mom and how to best punish this guy. Well that's not the issue here. The issue is what is best for Sarah, not her Mom. The issue here is to find the best way for Sarah to handle this. You don't seem to get that, and that's why I accused you of operating more out of emotion than genuine objectivity.
try continuing this discussion with a little more objectivity and a little less posturing.
Well, I admit I did have a personal attack or three planned for you Rose, but now that I know you are interested in meaningful discussion, I'll hold off. 🙄Roseblossom said:
So, do you have any input other than "do your mom a favor and tell her so she can get him out of her life as quickly as possible"?
Let's discuss the issues, shall we?
hell, I see lots of really good reasons to get mom involved.
Do you? You've listed three here. I would think that "lots" would be a little more than that. I'd have to confess that these reasons you list are less than convincing.
This guy is messin with her young daughter, in her home.
How do you define "messin"? Are you saying she's being abused?? Her daughter is an adult. A consenting adult. We're talking about one adult tickling another. Mom just happens to be a roommate.
And as for 18 being an adult, most of the 18-year-olds I know are still inexperienced, anxious kids.
Every eighteen year old I know is a fully functioning adult, licensed to drive, registered to vote. Like it or not, when people turn eighteen, they are adults. Are they fully matured? Hardly. But I know many people in their 40s who aren't anywhere near fully matured. Most of the folks in this forum, you and I included, are nowhere near fully matured. Maturing is a lifetime process.
Sounds like this 50-year-old "friend" is exploiting his power and position of trust for his own gratification.
First of all, to what "power" are you referring?? Are you saying he's physically overpowering her, and tickling her without her consent? I don't see anything in Sarah's post indicative of this. As for position of trust, we don't know how far that extends. You're assuming that Mom "trusts" this guy not to tickle her adult roommate. Perhaps that's the case, but you don't know, and we can't assume that. And you say he's doing it for his own gratification, but isn't he also doing it for Sarah's gratification? His caution in testing the limits of her comfort zone indicates to me that he wants to make sure she's cool with it. From what I read in Sarah's post, the gratification seems mutual.
Rose, it sounds to me like you are projecting yourself into Mom's position, and are operating from that point of view. You think "OMG if a male friend of mine were tickling my baby like that, I'd want to know about it!" You seem to be more concerned with what's best for Mom and how to best punish this guy. Well that's not the issue here. The issue is what is best for Sarah, not her Mom. The issue here is to find the best way for Sarah to handle this. You don't seem to get that, and that's why I accused you of operating more out of emotion than genuine objectivity.
Merseymidge
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Lousy argument on all sides.
SlaverTickler
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He's A Pig
This guy is Scum, stay away from him. When he comes over go out, to a friends to the park, anywhere. It sounds to me like this freak can't control himself, I would hate tyo red that this freak raped you or something. GET A WAY !!!
This guy is Scum, stay away from him. When he comes over go out, to a friends to the park, anywhere. It sounds to me like this freak can't control himself, I would hate tyo red that this freak raped you or something. GET A WAY !!!
Sarah's gonna handle this the way she's gonna handle it, and trust me, not one ounce of our influence, for good or ill, will have played a part in it.
I couldn't agree more. I'm basically arguing from a hypothetical point of view. Quite frankly I seriously questioned the authenticity of the original post from it's inception for four reasons:
1) The post just seems a little too taylored for heated discussion.
2) This is only Sarah's second post ever.
3) The fact that Sarah is not interjecting to confirm or refute certain points of contention.
4) At some point Sarah has edited out her original name from her signature and changed it to Sarah, as if she had temporarily forgotten which of her many identities she was operating under.
But what can I say? I'm a big fan of discussion, heated or otherwise, so I decided to preceed on the quite probably false assumtion that Sarah's post was genuine. This is a discussion board, after all
It's nice that we're all here to help. But you know what? We have our reasons for viewing this the way we have. I know both Rose and I haven't really unloaded our combined wealth of personal experience in this regard (whatever they may be on her end), and we certainly don't want to bore you to death with the details...but I get the feeling that my friend Drew is invalidating our feelings and concerns, and getting quite aggressive about it.
Say rather that I am painstakingly pointing out flaws in the major points of Rose's arguments. The discussion topic is Sarah's confusion on how to handle the situation. Maternal instincts are irrelavent to the conversation, and are in my opinion conterproductive to an objective viewpoint.
Oh, by the way, Drew...a roommate might let you have more say in what goes on in the house. However, a parent, regardless of the age of the person in question, would tend to disagree...and in this country, in the legal sense, the weight's all on the parents' side, especially when the person in question's name's not on the lease or the mortgage.
Unfortunately, we aren't privy to the existing agreement between Sarah and her Mom. Does Sarah pay rent? Are both supported by Dad? I agree that if Mom is paying the mortgage and allowing Sarah to live there, Mom has some say in what goes on in the house. If Mom is letting Sarah live there with the stipulation that she report any violations to Mom, then I would agree she should tell her Mom. It won't help her situation any, but at least your and Rose's sense of justice would be satisfied.
When she moves out, and moves in with 'roommates', in a school atmosphere, away from home, then she can do whatever she wants. She could marry him and have his children and they could buy a house and an SUV for all I care. Of course on his end, it might be maddening after a while to have people come up to him complimenting him on his lovely daughter, but yes, it's their choice. Until then, whether you like it or not, it's Mom's business if it's happening under HER roof. If it were happening in this guy's house, then your argument certainly holds water, and I'd probably have no problem with it. She chose to be there if that's where she went. But...
GOOD GOD!!! SOMEONE SAVE ME!!! I'M STARTING TO SOUND LIKE MY PARENTS!!!
Whew, and you said I was being aggressive! 🙂
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