What are your thoughts on people that cheat on thier spouses or have one night stands

[isabeau]

thank you Knox i appreciate that much. actually i meant on this thread. but i thank you for that. if i am liked thats great and if not thats great as well.

isabeau

 

[kcantankerous]

yes butterfly wing

A real life kinda question that didnt get started by me. Anyways I believe cheating in a supposably committed relationship happens because the cheater doesnt love the person that their committed to as much as they both thought. To put it simple very few if any relationships are 100% salvaged after cheating has occured especially in marriage. I know some of you on this forum have more milage and are more wiser than myself but I'm pretty sure that one can fullfil all your needs if you take the time to make sure its the right person for you. If someoen cheats even once it shows that the respect level for the relationship is pretty much negligable. To be able to willfully hurt your compainion for selfish reasons is the definition of imaturity. If you feel the need to cheat simply break up or divorse which is what the trend in this country seems to lean toward anyway. If you seem to want to dilude yourself in thinking it was a mistake and so in so really loves and respects you, waking up is the advice I give to you. Whoever you is.

 

[kcantankerous]

Oh let me preface this by saying if both parties are cool with multiple partners than this post isnt directed to you. This is directed toward the the people who are cheating without their spouses knowledge or approval. Seems like this is a hotbed for denial. If you can't justify what you did to your spouse or if you want to cheat on them than at least have the decentcy to let them know and or take the apropriate steps to end the relationship, it your spouse doesnt approve. If fedelity isnt your think than I am saying just let your partner know up front. That's the only thing I'm saying here. If you dont, your scum to be 100% honest. To not let your partner know that you dont love them anymore and will treat them like that is beyond me. In the end if some of you more dispicable cheaters are chaught you create even more garbage like yourselfs or you create insecure people in the end. One night stands are even more halarious. To sit there and rationalize them out is even worse. Maybe I am better than some of you here, not all but some.

 

[Butterfly wings]

Since my post as become such a hot topic and a hot post so to speak

Here is a question to add on the original topic started by me.

IF YOU KNEW and had solid proof that your boyfriend and girlfriend/or husband or wife were cheating on YOU.

Would you forgive them and try to work things out and take them back for a second chance?

 

[kis123]

Now, I've been faithful to my wife, but then, that's my business. My attitude is, go out and get married, and then give me an opinion.

I've been lurking this thread for a couple of days now, trying not to interject. I can no longer hold my thoughts so I'll share them.

Flatfoot, I had the exact same experience as you did in your previous marriage. I was also someone who took her vows very seriously. I was also very invovled in the church at that time and would've never sought out or remotely considered having an affair of any kind. It didn't seem to bother my husband to violate our marriage with a 20 yr old (he was in his mid-forties), nor did it bother him to blame me for his infidelity. Surely, if I was doing my wifely duty and making him happy he wouldn't have had to find someone else. Talk about a huge wad of horse hockey!

I stayed with him anyway because..........

Our marriage never recovered and things never improved from there. They actually got worse until I mentally and emotionally bottomed out! I ended up depressed, despondent, and eventually suicidal. I didn't care about living for the kids anymore-in that state of mind I felt they'd be better off without me. Just as I had planned out my demise, I met someone during the course of business that basically saved my life. Looking back in retrospect, it wasn't the right thing to do. But, if I didn't do something, I wouldn't be here typing this post to all of you because I would be dead. I had nothing left-my sprit was dry and my soul was empty. I felt I had nowhere else to go but out.

Do I reccomend what I did to anyone else? Of course not. If I had it to do again, would I do it? In the name of being here to watch my kids grow up and to live long enough to have the life I do today? Maybe!

Until you walk a couple of miles in someone else's moccasins and know just how they're living in their present situation, it's hard to judge and it's hard to know just how a person would respond or react in the same situation.

By nature, I'm a very monogamous person and take my fidelity very seriously. I don't like sharing myself or my man with anyone. In life, there are shades of gray amongst the black and white. No one knows where that breaking point is or that final straw that makes a person do the unthinkable. I have much more compassion now than I did prior to this-I'm not nearly as judgemental.

There are two words I avoid using in the English language. They are "always" and "never". Too many variables between those absolutes for me to even consider.

 

[kis123]

Since my post as become such a hot topic and a hot post so to speak

Here is a question to add on the original topic started by me.

IF YOU KNEW and had solid proof that your boyfriend and girlfriend/or husband or wife were cheating on YOU.

Would you forgive them and try to work things out and take them back for a second chance?

In answer to your question:

I did that with my ex, but we couldn't get back on track. He refused counseling and felt that it was my fault he strayed. Regardless of circumstances, it is the person who had the affair that is responsible because they made the decision to stray. If the person is willing to accept his/her responsibility, it's a good portion of the battle to forgive and move on in the relationship. If they continue to play the blame game and choose not to step up and grow up, the relationship will not last.

 

[kis123]

A real life kinda question that didnt get started by me. Anyways I believe cheating in a supposably committed relationship happens because the cheater doesnt love the person that their committed to as much as they both thought. To put it simple very few if any relationships are 100% salvaged after cheating has occured especially in marriage. I know some of you on this forum have more milage and are more wiser than myself but I'm pretty sure that one can fullfil all your needs if you take the time to make sure its the right person for you. If someoen cheats even once it shows that the respect level for the relationship is pretty much negligable. To be able to willfully hurt your compainion for selfish reasons is the definition of imaturity. If you feel the need to cheat simply break up or divorse which is what the trend in this country seems to lean toward anyway. If you seem to want to dilude yourself in thinking it was a mistake and so in so really loves and respects you, waking up is the advice I give to you. Whoever you is.

It isn't always this simple. To be exact, it is rarely this simple!

There are many reasons spouses don't split up. They have kids to raise and they'd prefer doing that in a two parent home. There are financial reasons why people stay in marriages as well. Actually that was initially one of the reasons I stayed as long as I did. I couldn't afford to raise two children on the income I had at the time. You can't count on the spouse once the marriage is gone to even pay alimony or child support. There are some people out here that feel once the spouse is gone, then they want to walk away from everything, including the children. I know this because it's what my father did to me and my sisters and what my son's father did to his own child.

It's not always about a respect issue either. Some people grow apart but love each other just the same. Something happens and the sexual attraction is gone. Sometimes is physiological and can be helped with drug therapy or there's an agreement/arrangement between the spouses.

Once again, unless you know the details and particulars of the individual's situation in question, it's difficult to make a blanket judgement.

For those of you who haven't been married yet, I wish you the best and hope you never have to deal with this type of situation. But if you do, I hope you remembered what you've written today. It might not be the same opinion you'll have should it ever land on your doorstep.

 

[kcantankerous]

in the end it does more harm than good to stay together in a doomed relationship. I think alot of times people end up harming the very people your trying to protect, when you don't end it. Furthermore, I will not make the same mistakes as all of you because I learn from others mistakes aswell as my own.

 

[kis123]

in the end it does more harm than good to stay together in a doomed relationship. I think alot of times people end up harming the very people your trying to protect, when you don't end it. Furthermore, I will not make the same mistakes as all of you because I learn from others mistakes aswell as my own.

One of my last statements obviously bears repeating:

Until you have married and gone through some marital life issues of your own, you are merely speculating based on what you THINK you would do under the same circumstances. You will never know unless and until that situation lands on your doorstep. Let's find out how quick you are to terminate a relationship you've invested your life in because you both drifted apart for a period and someone made a poor decision and an error in judgement.

It doesn't mean that the two parties don't still love each other. There are many reasons why this occurs. It's up to the spouses invovled to determine it it's worth the fight to remain together after the affair.

A marriage is NOT the place to compartmentalize things and place them in boxes. Things happen-at times out of seemingly nowhere. If you aren't able to think and feel outside the box, marriage may not be for you.

If you are that quick to give up your marriage, children, and your life over something like an affair, I would first wonder if you really completely understood what you were involving yourself in the first place.

There are absolutes in this world, but when it comes to the human condition, everything isn't black and white, cut and dry. It's the risk you take when you open your heart and get married in the first place.

 

[Knox The Hatter]

A marriage is, in and of itself, a life form. It evolves, it breathes, it eats. The relationship ten, or fifteen years down the road might become a radically different one, due to life experiences, other things. Possibly, one or the other partners feels that this relationship just doesn't feed them anymore on some levels, but it works well on others...and they might feel the need to find that fulfillment elsewhere. Who would I be to say what they should or shouldn't do with their marriage? How do I know what my own marriage is going to look like ten years from now?

Like I said...all of you who have this primeval urge to tell other people how to live their lives, and how to conduct their relationships...go out and form a long term relationship, and then tell me about your experiences. Swap notes with me. Until then, save the Right and Wrong. I already know Right from Wrong.

 

[kis123]

Cheating on a spouse is wrong. Period. Rationlize all you want. I work with many older people , most have been married for 40+ years, and almost all I asked what was the most important thing to a successful marriage, I didn't lead them to an answer, but of the responses about 8 or 9 said honesty and fidelity, one just said honesty, and one just said fidelity.

Now I'm not blind, Mitch, your mom's situation was hard, and I can see where she may have had reasons. But not being happy or being satisfied is no reason worth cheating. If you have reason to contemplate an affair, you have reason to get a divorce.

I used to feel the exact same way until the issues of life landed on my doorstep. I didn't see it coming before I ended up overwhelmed. I'm thinking my ex really didn't see it coming either. He was unhappy and overwhelmed in the marriage. I wasn't always the nicest person in the marriage, maybe all of the issues between us pushed him over the edge. If he would've taken responsibility and really made an effort to restore the trust in the relationship and not constantly publically blamed me for his decision to violate our marriage, I wouldn't have fallen through that black hole that landed me with another man.

It is not as simple as as if you're unhappy, get a divorce! People who make these kind of statements are usually the ones who have never been married, have merged finances, or have children to raise. You have a right to your opinion-actually I used to hold the same belliefs as you. Then I got married and found out just how it really is.

 

[isabeau]

I used to feel the exact same way until the issues of life landed on my doorstep. I didn't see it coming before I ended up overwhelmed. I'm thinking my ex really didn't see it coming either. He was unhappy and overwhelmed in the marriage. I wasn't always the nicest person in the marriage, maybe all of the issues between us pushed him over the edge. If he would've taken responsibility and really made an effort to restore the trust in the relationship and not constantly publically blamed me for his decision to violate our marriage, I wouldn't have fallen through that black hole that landed me with another man.

It is not as simple as as if you're unhappy, get a divorce! People who make these kind of statements are usually the ones who have never been married, have merged finances, or have children to raise. You have a right to your opinion-actually I used to hold the same belliefs as you. Then I got married and found out just how it really is.

i agree one hundred percent kis. people who talk this way usually have never been there. i am a lucky person i have been married to a great guy for 27 years. he isnt perfect but heck who is? this kind of thread i feel tends to get too personal and i will not comment on what i would do if david cheated.

isabeau

 

[jugner]

I know things aren't black and wihite in life, but saying I can't have intelligent ideas on a subject I haven't been through is ludacrist. I've never done crack, would I be incorrect if I said don't do it. I've never been a lot of places and done a lot of things, should my opinions not be heard all the same. Just like everyone else, my life is unique, no one can say what I've seen, no one knows the things I've done or been through. No one even asked me. They assumed I didn't know a thing. I just read a book by Terry Brooks, a quote from him was, "Only a fool believes that intelligence cannot come from youth."
He was apparently right.

 

[jim66e]

I know things aren't black and wihite in life, but saying I can't have intelligent ideas on a subject I haven't been through is ludacrist. I've never done crack, would I be incorrect if I said don't do it. I've never been a lot of places and done a lot of things, should my opinions not be heard all the same. Just like everyone else, my life is unique, no one can say what I've seen, no one knows the things I've done or been through. No one even asked me. They assumed I didn't know a thing. I just read a book by Terry Brooks, a quote from him was, "Only a fool believes that intelligence cannot come from youth."
He was apparently right.

Sorry for the momentary hijacking, but what book, I'm a fan of Brook's work.