What To Do With The Possessions When A Relative Is Dying...?

[Mitchell]

I have a situation that I wanted to post about in the main forum, which I would appreciate advice on. My relatives are having views on the opposite end of the spectrum, and I'm very confused.

Simply put.. my mom has a lot of things.. Purses, clothes, accessories, etc, etc etc.

Of course, we dont know when she will pass, and as I've posted before.. I have to be out of this apartment by July 30th at latest. If a miracle occurs and she lives beyond that, I have to sign another year's lease. I know this is unlikely.

My dad keeps saying that he wants me to clean my mom's room, gather the posessions, and do the appropriate thing with whatever posessions. Sell some, give some to Goodwill, and throw anything not needed out. I think he wants to come here in the next 2 weeks to do this, so that I can be ready to move soon after my mom passes away.

My aunt is infuriated at this, feeling that doing so is "bad luck", and "Throwing my mom in the grave". She says that even if I prepare posessions to be given away or sold, I should merely seperate all of them, and not do anything unless and until my mom is passed away.

As for me, between the stress I deal with regarding my mom and her illness, and the two differing opinions, I'm frozen about what to do.

A while back, Myriads wisely suggested that I ready the apartment. I'm trying to do this., However, I'm at a loss of what to do with all of my mom's things.. I see both sides of the coin in regard to what should be done. I certainly dont want to toss my mom in the grave early.. as my aunt said, but I also see my dad's point in readying whatever posessions need to go where.

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

Mitch

 

[Libertine]

Wait til it happens to assuage the relatives

And meanwhile stock up on garbage bags. Cleaning up after a parent dies after a long illness starts the healing process, so begin the day after the funeral- although I did sell my father's car while he was still in hospital about a week before his demise.

After your mother dies, choose a VERY few of her possessions (keep the cookbooks, you'll want to make the occasional favourite dish in years to come) so you can start afresh without being overwhelmed with old furniture and suchlike, then have her relatives come in and let them pick over the remainder- this will help get rid of things in the guise of you being philanthropic, plus you'll have the consolation of knowing the things they've chosen will still be in the family.

(BTW, within hours of my mother's death, her eldest sister who was 82 to my mother's 62 years came to the house howling, and then instantly her tone changed, and she pointed at a piece of furniture, saying in a perfectly normal voice, 'By the way, I gave your mother that antique umbrella stand, can I have it back?'

'Do you mind if we wait til she gets just a little bit colder?' I replied politely.

And I kept the stand!!)


Then give the rest away to charity. Your mother soon will not need anything any more, ever, but other people in these hard times will be able to benefit from your generosity. And I assume there will be some money coming to you, your mother's legacy, and I have no doubt the one thing your mother would want you to do with it is start afresh, meet some girls and ultimately get married, which you cannot do hauling physical and emotional baggage around.

It's the way of the world, with luck, to have your parents predecease you. You're 42, and you've unnecessarily been putting your life on hold for years. It's time to prepare to get your ass in gear and start living for a change.

 

[Mitchell]

Libertine, all I asked for is about the posessions, not an assessment of my life. Your post wasn't helpful, and basically pissed me off. To quote you, I'm...

"Hauling emotional and physical baggage around".

I should..

"Get my ass in gear".

And..


"Meet some girls".

I'm going to address each one seperately.

One, yes, I have emotional baggage. An abusive father, dealing with my mom's illness alone, my own health issues.

What the hell is "getting my ass in gear". I've done businesses that have failed. Remember my tax problems? It stopped me from getting a job for THIRTEEN YEARS, and going on with the course of my life!

"Meet some girls". Where did any of this ever come up? I'll meet some girls when I'm ready. Right now I wouldnt be good for anyone.

When you're standing in my shoes, you can judge me. All I asked is about the posessions, not a "Mitch is a fuck up" assessment of my life. Tell you what, if you had been through what I have, you might not have dealt with it any better either. Yes, my life is going to change, hopefully for the better, once I get past this horrible time, but posts like that really dont help. They serve to be negative, at a time when I really dont need to hear such.

Mitch

 

[shark]

Unless you have a willing party who can hold you mom's stuff, you might want to consider a storage facility if the situation lasts. Unless you have the proper power of attorney, you can't legally sell, donate, or throw out any of her belongings without her consent.

 

[Libertine]

One, yes, I have emotional baggage. An abusive father, dealing with my mom's illness alone, my own health issues.

What the hell is "getting my ass in gear". I've done businesses that have failed. Remember my tax problems? It stopped my life from getting a job for THIRTEEN YEARS!

"Meet some girls". Where did any of this ever come up? I'll meet some girls when I'm ready. Right now I wouldnt be good for anyone.

When you're standing in my shoes, you can judge me. All I asked is about the posessions, not a "Mitch is a fuck up" assessment of my life. Tell you what, if you had been through what I have, you might not have dealt with it any better either. Yes, my life is going to change, hopefully for the better, once I get past this horrible time, but posts like that really dont help. They serve to be negative, at a time when I really dont need to hear such.

Mitch

If I MUST engage in one-upmanship, I was an only child and both my parents were dead (separately) by the time I was 32.

You don't want solutions, just endless and unconditional sympathy for every past, present and future problem you're going to parade here, and the well is now dry.

My final words to you, Mitch, are "Good luck, but I quit".

 

[TklDuo-Ann]

About your mom's stuff...

I can see both sides of the arguement. While it may seem heartless to begin disposing of stuff now, you're the one who has a deadline to deal with when the time does come...not your aunt. But, I can understand her having difficulty dealing with things. Seeing stuff go can feel like letting go of her sister before she passes. But, it's difficult no matter when you do it.

When my mom passed, my dad immediately began getting everything that was hers out of the house. I was the one he charged with the task...even though I wasn't ready to do it. Most of it, I ended up taking home with me to CT until we had time to decide what to do with it. I was angry with him at first, until I realized that the reason he was doing it was that it simply hurt too much to see constant reminders of his loss.

Everyone deals with loss in their own way. None of us has a right to dictate to others how that's done. Had I insisted that my dad keep things (which I knew he'd eventually wish he had), it would have caused him more pain. So, I kept them and waited. When he was ready to see them again, I brought them back. In your case, there's nobody else there in the house to see things. So, it comes down to you.

My advice would be to at least make a mental note of those items that mean something to you on a personal level...things you'll likely want to keep for yourself. Once you've done that, perhaps you can invite your aunt (and any other close relatives) to see if there are any items they'd like to have as a keepsake. It could prove to be healing for all involved. If there are items that are of no use to anyone, I'd go ahead and pitch them now to give yourself a head start. But, again, that's your call.

As you go through things, you can make lists of what you want to do with each item. If you're planning to give things to good will, you might see about whether the specific place you have in mind will pick things up. Since you have no reliable transportation witrhout having to pay for it, this would make things easier for you. Are there items that you could sell? If so, perhaps a weekend tag sale would bring in a few bucks...provided you have the energy to deal with it and there's enough to make it worth the bother. If not, then a curb alert on craigslist when you put them out will clear things away rather quickly. (We did that with items that were left when we were ready to move and it went almost as fast as we could put it out.)

Having so much already on your plate, it may feel like too much to start now. But, it could prove healing for you and allow you to relax a bit more when the time does come. Again, it comes down to what YOU decide.

 

[Myriads]

If I MUST engage in one-upmanship, I was an only child and both my parents were dead (separately) by the time I was 32.

Ooh fun game! Mine were both dead (separately) by the time I was 24. And they left behind the mother load of crap and about a 300K in debt. Do I win?

More seriously.

Mitch, you are the one in the apartment. You are the one that will need to deal with cleaning it out.

Realistically your mother is never going to use, see, touch, need any of her stuff.

Get rid of it. Donate, sell, toss. Save things that you feel you might want as keepsakes, and an outfit that you'll want to have your mom wear when she is buried or burned. Get rid of all the rest of it. The more crap you much out now the faster you'll be out in the end.

And seeing as how your father basically has hated your mom, and not been thrilled in her direction, do you really want him making the final calls on what happens to her stuff? Seems a bit odd to me that he'd want that job, other then to scoop up any thing of value for his pockets. I'd give him the big kiss off on this task.

Myriads

 

[Libertine]

Ooh fun game! Mine were both dead (separately) by the time I was 24. And they left behind the mother load of crap and about a 300K in debt. Do I win?

Myriads

Yes.

 

[isabeau]

Mitch hmmm i had to face a similar prospect when my mom was dying...and also if she would die...because of her situation, if she had begun eating again, she might not have died but lived...

Luckily a year or so before she did die, we had moved her to an assisted living facility...sold off most her things in an estate sale...but had moved her personal items and some of her furniture to the assisted living facility...so we didn't have to face what to do with most of her things as she was dying...

I would do what you think is best...if you truly feel that she will never be back in the apartment, it might not be a bad idea to sell off some of her things now, but perhaps her most precious personal possessions you might wish to hold back til after she is in fact dead.

 

[Mitchell]

Libertine, my final words to you are.. I didnt want endless sympathy, Your "solutions" were nothing but hard ass judgement, at a time, when I'm dealing with the worst situation of my life, ALL ALONE! . I asked about the situation regarding my apartment, not my life!

Now to the well meaning posters, one by one.

shark, I dont have legal power of attorney. That being said, I'm my mom's sole heir, so any decisions would be mine.

Ann, thanks for your suggestions. If it were up to me, I wouldnt want to deal with it now. That being said, there's so much clutter, and relatively little time, I have to start. If not today, then very soon.

Myriads, I see your point, and thank you. What my father doesnt know is.. I've sold off much of my mom's valuable jewelry recently, and stuck the money in a seperate account he doesnt know about. (Not a ton, but some). I'm going to go through other things of value, to figure out what to sell.

Thanks, izzy. Even if my mom lives.. six months, she will never be back in the apartment. I know I'm going to have to start sorting through things, but the volume and task of doing it is hard.

To all the well meaning posters, again, thank you.

Mitch

 

[unclebill]

This is just my two cents, but it seems a little morbid to get rid of your moms belongings before she passes. Although I understand some people are "pack rats" and save everything. If its that bad, perhaps you could start going through the belongings you know have no value and pitch them. Hope this advice helps.🙂

 

[Mitchell]

bill, I agree with you about getting rid of my mom's belongings, before she passes, being morbid. I dont intend to get rid of them. That being said, as I think I mentioned before, she is a severe "hoarder", and her room is piled high with stuff. I am going to start packing things, getting them in bags, and putting them aside, not actually giving them away until she passes.

Mitch

 

[kis123]

bill, I agree with you about getting rid of my mom's belongings, before she passes, being morbid. I dont intend to get rid of them. That being said, as I think I mentioned before, she is a severe "hoarder", and her room is piled high with stuff. I am going to start packing things, getting them in bags, and putting them aside, not actually giving them away until she passes.

Mitch

I personally think you've come up with a good enough idea.

It's got to be hard being the only child and you don't really have anyone to assist you. I wouldn't get the father involved; keep him at a healthy and safe distance at all times IMO.

Do a little at a time so when it's time to move you won't be overwhelmed. Do whatever you want; this is your situation to handle.

 

[WorkInProgress]

Let me start by saying that I completely agree with your response to Libertine's characteristically smart-assed, all-knowing remarks. If he holds you in such low esteem, he should not have bothered to click into this thread.

Now, here is my view. As long as your mother is still alive, she should not see anything that looks as if people are getting ready for her to die. She should at least think that she is in complete control of that apartment and the things in it.

When my mother was in her final months, living in a rehab center and an assisted living facility, I didn't start clearing out anything until she was gone. I did get the house cleaned--it was filthy--and I did thin out the junk, but not in a manner that she would notice changes if she regained her health and returned. I held to this till the end, not because I was clinging to any hopes, but just in case. And I always gave her the impression that I was expecting her to make a full recovery.

Point is, all decisions should be made based on what your mother psychologically needs. (But, do tend to your own psychological needs too, when it comes to getting breaks from the situation, and having other things going on with yourself besides this.)

 

[Libertine]

Let me start by saying that I completely agree with your response to Libertine's characteristically smart-assed, all-knowing remarks. If he holds you in such low esteem, he should not have bothered to click into this thread.

It's you I hold in low esteem, actually. Why don't you click 'reply with quote' in Response #2 in this thread to catalogue the advice I gave him, and refute it paragraph by paragraph if you can, since the advice I offered on disposing of his mother's possessions is pretty much the equivalent of what you said ?

 

[Mitchell]

kis, thank you. Yes, it is hard being the only child. I'm trying to keep the father at a safe distance, trust me.

WIP, thanks. Just so you know, I have very carefully discussed this with my mom. I asked her.. "Mom, is it okay if I raise some money by selling your jewelry" She said yes. She's well aware of the condition of her room. Today, when I went to the home, I said "Mom, your room is very cluttered. I'm afraid you're going to hurt yourself there if and when you come home. May I clean up some of it?" Again, she said yes. Also, just so you know, Work, my mom wont be seeing anything, because she's in the home, and will be. In the miracle that the cancer doesnt claim her quickly, and she does come home, all she will see is a more straightened out room. Even if she was to come home, I'm afraid she would hurt herself in there.

Thanks to both of you for your sincere feedback and support.

Mitch

 

[WorkInProgress]

Indeed, I think we're in agreement here.

 

[Mitchell]

To give everyone an idea of what I'm dealing with here:

I just spent the hour since I made my last post, cleaning my mom's room, and throwing things into large trash bags. I used the full pack of ten outdoor bags, and didnt even make a dent. This is going to take a month, and, as the bags pile up, I dont know what I'm going to do with all of the stuff, while I'm holding it, until/if my mom dies.

I have some clutter in my room, mainly in my closet and large chest piece. Nothing is as bad as my mom's room. Its horders USA.

Mitch

 

[Myriads]

Throw it out. Take it to the Charity dump box. Get it out of the place.

Myriads

 

[Mitchell]

Okay, I see your point, Myriads. My aunt thinks I should wait until my mom dies to actually pitch stuff.. but.. I can certainly get everything in trash bags, and have it ready, for if/when she does pass, and then can just do it when it happens.

Whichever way I decide to do it, I will make progress, and have it ready by the time everything happens.

Mitch

 

[Mitchell]

The trash bag count now stands at.. 20.. and I'm nowhere near done., There are closets I cant pry open, and jackets/furs that are going to have to go seperately, as the furs might have some value, and my family thinks I can sell them to get money for them.

Everyone knows how much I cherish my mom, and how much I'll miss her when shes gone. I will say that I'm a bit angry with her for leaving this for me to do, and not sorting through it all these years. I'm also angry with myself for not getting after her to do it years ago. This is all only making my life harder at a terrible time.

Mitch

 

[Snail Shell]

If I MUST engage in one-upmanship, I was an only child and both my parents were dead (separately) by the time I was 32.

You don't want solutions, just endless and unconditional sympathy for every past, present and future problem you're going to parade here, and the well is now dry.

My final words to you, Mitch, are "Good luck, but I quit".

This. A thousand fucking times, THIS.

SS

 

[kis123]

This. A thousand fucking times, THIS.

SS

Wow......just wow.

I can remember going to see the movie "Bambi" when I was a kid. There was a song that I can remember even from second grade. It went like this:

"If you can't say something nice.......shh, say nothing."
"Take a bit of good advice......shhh, say nothing."

If you don't like what someone has said especially during a time like this in his/her life and you can't manage to conjure up the smallest bit of empathy, why say anything at all??

If you don't like what's on the tv, you change the channel. If you don't like what's in the thread you can easily bypass it.

 

[isabeau]

I agree with Kis...he's asking for advice...

 

[kis123]

I agree with Kis...he's asking for advice...

Hey Izzy!

What up gurl??

Okay, no hijacks allowed.........sorry.