What To Do With The Possessions When A Relative Is Dying...?

[Mitchell]

I could care less what Snail Shell says. I've had him on ignore for years. Thanks, though, for defending me, kis.

 

[kis123]

I could care less what Snail Shell says. I've had him on ignore for years. Thanks, though, for defending me, kis.

You're welcome but I'm not going to hijack your thread and turn it into a mess so you know what's about to happen.

My PM box is open to you anytime.

Remain blessed and in peace.

 

[Mitchell]

Thank you, kis. I appreciate it.

Now, back to the topic of the thread.

While I understand Myriads point of throwing things out.. two things come to mind.. One, the whole idea of what my aunt and bill said of it being morbid to just toss my mom's stuff while she's still alive, and terminally ill.

Second, and I want to make clear that I am NOT looking for "sympathy" when I state this. I'm stating a fact.

In addition to the emotional aspect of essentially cleaning out, and ending, my mom's life, it is also taxing physical labor to go through all this stuff. As I may have posted before, I have severe neck and back problems, as well as a persistant stomach problem. (The latter is probably nerves). I want to get it done so its not all left for the last minute,. but yet need to pace myself, a few hours a day.

Hopefully, I can accomplish this all in the next week or two.

Mitch

 

[Mitchell]

I want to make one comment to the two geniuses who think they know it all, and have attacked me in this thread.

This isnt.. Mitch stubbed his toe and has a boo boo. This is.. MITCH'S MOTHER IS GOING TO DIE! My whole life is going to change. I'm going to lose my mom, deal with a father on a regular basis who in the past has done horrible things to me, deal with a father's family who I havent seen in 25 years, move, live in a much smaller living quarters than I ever have in the past,. do new work, have to make new friends, and a girl, etc etc etc.

When my grandmother died, my mom was 57 years old. She had lived on her own for well over 30 years. She had her 25 year old son, her sisters, other family members, and long term established friends to help her through it. She also continued to live in the same apartment, and had her son to help her with funeral arrangements, selling my grandmother's furniture, financial issues, etc etc. Know what? My mom told me that she was a basket case for 11 months! She used to talk to my grandmother every morning when my grandmother was alive, and then of course one day my grandmother wasnt there anymore.. The only thing that helped the situation was time, and the fact that we got distracted with a new business.

I seriously think that anyone who is not well meaning, and just wants to rip me apart at this awful time, should observe the Golden Rule, and just stay the fuck out of this thread. If you hate me personally, then you can feel happy, my mom is going to die soon. Know what, though? I'm going to first survive, and then thrive.

That;s all. I;m seriously tired of dealing with this shit. I say this without attacking the mods.. just as an opinion. Anyone who attacks or mocks someone in a thread like this.. should be banned for at least a period of time. This thread is supposed to be a question/advice thread, and, for at least a couple of people so far, turned into something far different.

I'm done. I need to go back to doing more important things now. To anyone who attacks me in a thread like this.. May you be judged by a greater force than us all, and made to pay for your crimes, as that's what it is in my view.. a crime.. to attack someone.,., merely because they are posting in a situation where their mother is going to die, not even to complain, but just to ask for advice.

Mitch

 

[Angel77]

Honestly, my advice would be to focus on your mom now - deal with the other stuff later. Trust me. The stuff is stuff and can wait. But the time with your mom can't.

You won't get this time back with your mom. As for your aunt being upset and your dad coming around now, ignore them. You've done most of this stuff for years now on your own and now they want to have opinions and suggestions (and your dad wanting to help when he basically screwed you both over for years???). I tend to think that's a bit strange as well but it's not my family, just my two cents. If he could try to take advantage of you any other old time, what's to stop him from screwing with you when you're grieving and will most likely not be in a good state of mind?

My mother had a lot of stuff as well - clothes, jewelry, books, etc. My dad, sister and I couldn't keep it all. We took what was special to us (not the jewelry though as my sister, niece and I share that) and the rest of the stuff like her clothes and whatnot, we donated to charity. My mother would have liked that, to know that if she had no use for something, maybe someone who had nothing could benefit from her things. We still have some stuff left that we don't really know what to do with but we'll figure it out. But yeah, most of her clothes and some of her other things that we didn't know what to do with went to charity.

She would have wanted it that way. 🙂

 

[Mitchell]

Angel, thanks for your advice.

I just removed a whole long comment about my father, that doesnt belong here. I'm going to keep this only about the posessions.

Mitch

 

[Mitchell]

In regard to what you said about my mom...

I'd love to see her every day. Unfortunately, the far away nursing home shes at only allows me to go 3 times a week.

I do have to deal with the stuff, unfortunately, because my lease expires, there's a lot of clutter, and I need to be out of here by a certain date. I'm working on it.

Mitch

 

[usgrant]

Been through this twice... Its up to you, your Dad, brothers and sisters... Keep all the other relatives away (leeches looking for fresh blood)

 

[Mitchell]

thanks, us. In my case, it would be just me, because my parents are divorced, and it was a nasty divorce. As for the other relatives, its just my mom's two sisters, both of whom live in NJ. They both feel that none of my mom's things should be given away unless/until she actually dies, as they feel it is like throwing her in the grave early. I see that point, but I still need to get things ready, as it is a huge amount of clutter.

Mitch

 

[coldneck]

Just so you know, if I had the financial warewithal, I never would have called my father in the first place. He's screwing me over.

How is he screwing you over? You're 42 years old and should be taking care of yourself. Instead you rely on your father to pay your way. And don't throw out any lame excuses of not being able to work. I see mentally challenged and handicapped people working their asses off every day. There is no good reason why an able-bodied 42 year old man in America should have to live off his father and leech off his mother's alimony check. Call me old-fashioned, but you should be the one taking care of them.

This is why you are facing some hostility from other members. Your sense of entitlement and self-pity is off the charts. It's really all about you.

He wants it all, and loves every minute of this.

Your father has worked for his money, and it's up to him to spend it how he sees fit.
BTW, how did this thread turn into "what to do with the terminally ill's possessions" into "my father is screwing me and I hate him"?
Oh, I know. It's because that's where you end up every time.

I'm going to give you some real advice and not a crying towel: Step up to the plate and take care of yourself. Nothing would make your mother prouder.

My bet is.. he gets me a wipe ass job somewhere, with someone he knows, and its just barely enough to survive.

Get your own job, man. Do what YOU want to do. Take control of your own life. You'll feel better about yourself.
I can't believe I'm saying this to an adult, but it needs to be said.
You're level of co-dependency has reached epic proportions.
Do something about it now, or look forward to a life of misery. You are owed nothing!

Anyhow, thats all. I just have to accept what is, difficult as it may be. Right now I have to just be there for my mom, and try to ready myself to move, and for this horrible event thats going to hit me soon.

You really have no one to blame but yourself, Mitch. Going w/o work for so long has made you an unattractive commodity in the work force.

You can change that, but you'll have to be willing to start at the bottom and work very hard for it.

Good Luck out there!

 

[Mitchell]

The previous vicious, off topic, comment notwithstanding..

Being a hoarder can sometimes be good. As I was cleaning the dining room, I found.. God Knows how much change that was probably my mom's. Most of the coin counter places charge 10 cents a dollar to count, but there is one bank in town that charges no fee. I'm going to take this change over there. My mom doesnt need money in the home, and I'm going to tell her I found it, and kept it. Compensation for cleaning up all this shit, lol. jking. She doesnt need to compensate me, I'd do it for free.

Sigh! Still nowhere near done. Getting there, but not finished. I wonder how long this will take, if I continue to do it several hours a day.

Mitch

 

[Mitchell]

Also..

I do "work". I'm an antiques and jewelry sales person, remember? I dont "live off anyone". I've actually been working a lot lately, selling, trying to sell, and finding markets for things in the apartment I dont need. Two jobs, cleaning this mess up, alone, plus my work.

One would really be wise to be more informed before making comments. It would make them look more intelligent.

Mitch

 

[Mitchell]

One hundred dollars in change, tyvm! It will pay for my visit up to the home tomorrow.

Mitch

 

[Leo tickles]

If you need an extra place to sell, try Craigslist. I've made a substantial profit selling old items I no longer want/need at reasonable prices there.

 

[Mitchell]

Thanks for the good and sincere advice, Leo. I will look into it.

Mitch

 

[Leo tickles]

You just make a post and give them your email or number. Anybody on the website can view the ad for free. If they want whatever you are selling, they call your or email you, and you just meet up and do the exchange.

 

[Mitchell]

Sounds cool. Thanks.

Mitch

 

[Mitchell]

Everything is out of my moms main clothes closet, in bags, and all the papers are thrown away. The thing is, there are two closet doors in her bedroom, that are wedged shut, maybe from mildew. Once all the bags are out of there, I'm going to have to get at those two closets.

This is a seemingly insurmountable task. Luckily, I have four months, but I have to do it sooner, as if the management finds out I'm leaving, and they start showing the apartment, I may get booted if they see this. Of course, as long as I'm paying the rent, which I am, they might have a hard time getting me out of here.

Big Sigh!

Mitch

 

[Mitchell]

I just found out that my father is coming down here in a week or two. I'm embarrassed to have him here, but he said he doesnt care. He was supportive, so I'm hopeful.

Oh, and to those who think I'm going to "live off my father", Think again. We came to an agreement that is very reasonable. He told me that he doesnt think I should get a job now, considering the fact that I'm moving, the situation with my mom, etc. So.. we are going to wait until I get down to what would be one month's alimony with my savings, and then he said he will advance me money, that he will take back from the insurance policy. I think that is fair. If everyone who borrowed money from their parents was living off them, a lot of people have done that then. Newsflash, my former best friend's sister, who is now a milliionaire, borrowed a substantial amount of money from her parents, which she lived off, while she did her business, and then paid it back when the business became successful.

I have too much pride to live off my father. Accept loans, gifts, a job, a business venture to start. Yes. Live off? No. He wouldnt allow it, nor would I want to. I dont know what other exact agreements we will come to once I get to NY, but I know whatever it is, I'll have to be helping myself.

Mitch

 

[DimpleToes]

I Went through the same thing last year with 5 sibs who were vultures. I would start with giving some items to friends of your Mom who would like tohave an item of her's. The rest I would start to go through for after her death, there is so much to do your on auto pilot and may reqret things you do in the future. It is not morbid to sort items and go little by little. Items you donate to good will and places as such can be a tax write off.. make sure to get a receipt.

 

[Mitchell]

Thanks, Dimple.

My mom doesnt have enough close people who she considers "friends" who she would want me to give her things to. They are more acquaintances.

My aunts have both told me that they will not even discuss taking or wearing any of my mom's clothes while my mom is still alive. I get that. They were the ones who told me to wait to give everything away in the first place. I'll just sort and get things ready, and actually dispose, give, sell them, after she passes away.

Mitch

 

[Babbles]

I can see both sides of the arguement. While it may seem heartless to begin disposing of stuff now, you're the one who has a deadline to deal with when the time does come...not your aunt. But, I can understand her having difficulty dealing with things. Seeing stuff go can feel like letting go of her sister before she passes. But, it's difficult no matter when you do it.

When my mom passed, my dad immediately began getting everything that was hers out of the house. I was the one he charged with the task...even though I wasn't ready to do it. Most of it, I ended up taking home with me to CT until we had time to decide what to do with it. I was angry with him at first, until I realized that the reason he was doing it was that it simply hurt too much to see constant reminders of his loss.

Everyone deals with loss in their own way. None of us has a right to dictate to others how that's done. Had I insisted that my dad keep things (which I knew he'd eventually wish he had), it would have caused him more pain. So, I kept them and waited. When he was ready to see them again, I brought them back. In your case, there's nobody else there in the house to see things. So, it comes down to you.

My advice would be to at least make a mental note of those items that mean something to you on a personal level...things you'll likely want to keep for yourself. Once you've done that, perhaps you can invite your aunt (and any other close relatives) to see if there are any items they'd like to have as a keepsake. It could prove to be healing for all involved. If there are items that are of no use to anyone, I'd go ahead and pitch them now to give yourself a head start. But, again, that's your call.

As you go through things, you can make lists of what you want to do with each item. If you're planning to give things to good will, you might see about whether the specific place you have in mind will pick things up. Since you have no reliable transportation witrhout having to pay for it, this would make things easier for you. Are there items that you could sell? If so, perhaps a weekend tag sale would bring in a few bucks...provided you have the energy to deal with it and there's enough to make it worth the bother. If not, then a curb alert on craigslist when you put them out will clear things away rather quickly. (We did that with items that were left when we were ready to move and it went almost as fast as we could put it out.)

Having so much already on your plate, it may feel like too much to start now. But, it could prove healing for you and allow you to relax a bit more when the time does come. Again, it comes down to what YOU decide.

I didn't read much of this thread, there was other kindly advice I'm sure but this seems perfect - I'm so sorry you're in this situation, Mitchell, both you and your mother, it's not easy at any age and I think it's worse when it's a long, painful, drawn-out process, especially with cancer and with a parent who isn't really old by today's standards.

(Throw in an awful or only slowly recovering economy where there have been few if any jobs available for the past 8-10 years and that makes it all even more stressful, for anyone.)

I hope you, and your mother and your family can get through this as painlessly as possible. Again I'm very sorry it's happening, especially to you and your mother since you're a kind person, I'm sure your mother is as well, and I'm sure you're trying to make the best of it for all your sakes.
Keeping you and your mother in thoughts and prayers...

 

[Mitchell]

Thanks, Babbles. I appreciate the thoughts.

I've been selling antiques, art, and jewelry since 2004, when I left Market America, the Amway like company that others made a lot of money in, but which just didnt work for me. Now, I see this terrible event as just an extension of a business I've done for years, only with personal posessions instead of consignment.. or the buy and sell that antiques and art dealers do. I've made quite a few jewelry sales so far, with my mom's permission of course, that are/have been/ will be helpful.

Thanks for saying I'm a kind person. I try. So are you, and the sincere support of my friends, and family, is whats helping me get through this.

Mitch

 

[Jericho716]

the sincere support of my friends, and family, is whats helping me get through this.

Mitch

You're welcome for the guidance Mitchell. Email or PM anytime. Glad we can all be there for you. Think positive.