Is tickling cheating?

[CaptainValiant]

Screw you guys and your alternative "relationships". Normal people don't like their partners fooling around. So put down the fedora and get with the program.

 

[DontAskJusTckle]

Newsflash: Most of us here aren't "normal" and don't care to be.

 

[CaptainValiant]

Newsflash: Most of us here aren't "normal" and don't care to be.

here, you dropped something.

 

[femfttickler21]

In my opinion yes it is cheating if you are doing it behind the other persons back. Guilt really has nothing to do with it. If you dont feel right about doing it then yes it is cheating, but just cause your an asshole who doesnt feel anything wrong with it, doesnt make it ok. It just means you dont care about the feelings of your partner To me if your not telling the other person because you think they would be mad, then yes it is cheating and you shouldnt do it.

 

[chicago]

If you're looking for gratification for your fetish without your significant other's knowledge and you're afraid of them finding out, it's cheating.

If your significant other would feel hurt, betrayed, decieved, etc, it's cheating.

 

[-Hari-]

You speak of relationships as though they are standard and defined. That's nowhere near accurate. Even with regards to sex, there is a wide range of disparity to be found. Some relationships are open, where both partners encourage the other to have at it, if the opportunity arises. Other relationships frown on even entertaining so much as a fantasy in one's imagination. And of course there are any number of relationships that fall in various places in between those two extremes.

If there has been no synching up between the partners as to where on this spectrum their relationship sits, there's no reference point to determine if a violation has occurred. There's been no opportunity to say, "Honey, I'm trusting you not to do a, b, c, or d. So if the nature of the trust hasn't been defined, how can there be trust issues?

Nope, you've misread, I'm speaking specifically not as though they're standard and defined. I was however, referring in that part of my responce only to the OP where the situation outlined is pretty clearly not open or else why the concern about guilt and doing things behind the partners back? I'm well aware of open relationships and polyamorous relationships etc but the question really doesn't sound as though it's that sort of situation but even still, I touched on things like that further on just in case

True, as long as there has never been any agreement to refrain from the activity, whatever it is.

That's exactly what I said, reworded.

Correct. A relationship is based on trust and honesty. But that trust and honesty is predicated on keeping to the terms of the mutual agreement, whatever that agreement happens to be.

That's exactly what I said, reworded.

Not necessarily. Even if your partner decides to be okay with it, it's still cheating if you've made a prior agreement that sex with somebody else is off the table. You've "committed the crime," so to speak. You just got lucky that the plaintiff decided not to prosecute.

I thought it was pretty clear from the theme of my response that I was saying that it would be ok if that sort of things is part of whatever relationship agreement you have and therefore the partner would be ok with it and therefore not cheating. Stop forcing me out of my own context

Like playing golf? Like secretly taking the day off work and spending it at a health spa? Is that "cheating?"

The problem with this line of thinking is that it suggests that you are obligated to tell your partner everything that you do. Otherwise you're doing it "sneakily behind your partner's back". Now some people do tell their partners everything they do, and that's fine. But to suggest that's the requirement of any relationship is pretty unreasonable. I know my lady doesn't want to hear about everything I do.

Really? And I thought *I* was picky, obviously I'm talking about things relevant to the conversation and not about golf and such Pretty obvious that "something" in the context of the conversation is a blanket for sex, tickling, any other stuff that may well have supposed to have stayed within the boundaries of the relationship.

LOL. If only it were that easy. Then you could do anything you want by simply never asking yourself that question. A better rule of thumb is if you've agreed not to do something, and you do it anyway, it's cheating. Otherwise, it's not.

Leave my rule of thumb alone your argument with it makes no relevant sense. If you don't ask it just means you're not curious about your actions, it wouldn't mean you could do what you want and it not be cheating. It would just mean you weren't asking about it. But still, the point was that when people ask "Is it cheating if.... " the answer is almost always yes. Like the rest of my response, the rule of thumb was specific to the question. Who has time to cover every single possible angle? Not this guy!

 

[Mitchell]

Yes, for two reasons that I can see.

One, "Finding and arranging tickle sessions without your partner knowing", this is pre planning a situation where physical contact with another person other than your partner would occur, without your partner knowing.

Two,, To you, like most others on this board, tickling is a sexual turn on. If you are having physical contact with someone else other than your partner, without your partner knowing, and it is sexually turning you on, how different is it.. than.. someone with a breast fetish arranging a secret session to feel another girl's breasts.. or.. someone with a foot fetish.. arranging a session to worship another person besides their partner's feet, without their partner knowing.

All such instances, both tickling, and the examples I used with the feet and breasts, are cheating.

 

[Talamantes]

I guess I think by itself if there were no sexual behavior associated with it, then I in general I wouldn't consider it cheating. Tickling can be playful and platonic. It can also be erotic. So I guess there are circumstances where it could be considered cheating. I think of cheating is something of a sexual nature. And tickling isn't always sexual.

 

[ticklemepls]

Lets face it folks... 9 times out of 10 tickling IS a turn on.... Now I'm aware that there are many here who claim they can turn it off as a turn on but even still. I'm always the one when I read posts asking if someone should feel guilty about seeking tickling behind their S/O's back........ I shake my head and think to myself "you're seriously asking this question"......... IF YOU HAVE TO ASK IF IT'S ALRIGHT IT'S NOT. If you're participating in something as intimate as tickling behind your S/O's back - then yes, it's cheating. If you cant discuss it and have an agreement about it.......... yes it's cheating. Some would argue it's not if theres no sexual activity going on, but in my opinion if it's something you have to hide- then 1) it's cheating and 2) you dont deserve to be in the relationship anyways.

 

[Softtouchgirl]

In my opinion it is cheating but that depends on the role tickling plays within a relationship. If it is mutually understood that tickling is a turn on for one person, then going outside of the relationship to engage in tickle related activities is definitely a betrayal of trust. I believe in honesty all the way!

 

[Darkknight]

Like some have stated, if the S.O. doesn't know about it and tickling is a turn on to you, then it's cheating. You can place whatever levels you want to it, at the end of the day... it's cheating.

DK

 

[C.A.B.]

I think if you do anything that you are consciously aware would hurt your 'other's' feelings and trust, is flat out cheating. If the concept of "sneaking' or 'omission of facts' plays a role in you activities... its cheating. However, if your 'other' doesn't give a weasel fuck's shit in hell what you do, or you don't give a weasel fuck about your other nor your relationship... then you are only cheating yourself.

 

[JoePTickle]

Like some have stated, if the S.O. doesn't know about it and tickling is a turn on to you, then it's cheating. You can place whatever levels you want to it, at the end of the day... it's cheating.

DK

Well said.

 

[deadlywiffeathr]

I think if you do anything that you are consciously aware would hurt your 'other's' feelings and trust, is flat out cheating. If the concept of "sneaking' or 'omission of facts' plays a role in you activities... its cheating. However, if your 'other' doesn't give a weasel fuck's shit in hell what you do, or you don't give a weasel fuck about your other nor your relationship... then you are only cheating yourself.

Nuff said. Best answer here.

 

[DontAskJusTckle]

If you're going to do something with someone else sneakily behind your partners back then it's almost always going to be cheating.

Like playing golf? Like secretly taking the day off work and spending it at a health spa? Is that "cheating?"

Really? And I thought *I* was picky, obviously I'm talking about things relevant to the conversation and not about golf and such Pretty obvious that "something" in the context of the conversation is a blanket for sex, tickling, any other stuff that may well have supposed to have stayed within the boundaries of the relationship.

But that's just it. By what standard has it been decided that tickling is "supposed to have stayed within the boundaries of the relationship?" You say it as though you believe it should have been obvious, but that's really the crux of our disagreement.

I think we can all agree that engaging in sex or romance with someone other than your SO is cheating. Those are the defaults. Those are the things that if no agreement was ever reached or even talked about, most people in the world would agree constitute a relational violation.

But beyond that, how do you determine what is cheating? Many attempts have been made to establish criteria. Here are some examples.

If the concept of "sneaking' or 'omission of facts' plays a role in your activities... its cheating.​

If this statement were true, than any activity of yours that you fail to disclose to your SO would be cheating. Yes, it covers the things you want it to cover like sex, romance, and tickling, but it also covers things like secretly taking the day off and going to a matinee alone.

Let's say a guy is planning a surprise party for his SO. All of the planning and preparation that he's doing behind her back? Well according to the above criteria this would be cheating, because "the concept of 'sneaking' and 'omission of facts'" both play a role in his activities.

I know of no relationship in which there is full 100% accounting for all activities. So the above criteria is far to broad and far reaching to be considered reasonable.

How about this next one?

If you do anything that you are consciously aware would hurt your 'other's' feelings and trust, is flat out cheating.​

There are only two ways to be certain if what you're considering doing would "hurt your 'other's' feelings and trust:

1) (S)he tells you.
If at some point the activity has been brought up under a negative light, then at that point some kind of agreement is imminent. You either acknowledge and agree not to do it, or you object and say "Sorry babe. This is a big part of who I am, and I'm GOING to be doing this from time to time."

Whatever you choose will depend on how important tickling is in your life.

2) You do the activity, let your SO find out about it, and observe the reaction.
Same principles apply here as in number 1. An agreement is imminent, and you are faced with the decision as to which is more important. Your tickling needs or placating your SO.

In both of these examples, cheating can ONLY occur if you AGREE not to indulge and do it anyway. If you've made it clear that your going to do this regardless of your SO's objections, than making good on that promise is certainly not cheating, even though it may hurt your SO's feelings.

And what of the many relationships in which the topic of tickling as a taboo activity is never discussed or even brought up?

Let's say a married guy gets tickled by a co-worker and decides "Hey, that was pretty fucking cool. I need to get her to do that again!" She's agreeable, so from time to time, they find an empty conference room and she tickles him once or twice a week. There's no sex or romance involved. The guy doesn't tell his wife about it. They've never discussed tickling, so he has no idea how she feels about it, and ignorance is bliss.

Is this cheating? Well, let's run it by the "criteria." Does he know it will hurt her feelings and trust? No, because they've never discussed it. Is the concept of sneaking at work here? No. he's at work just like she expects him to be. Is the concept of 'omission of facts' at work here? Well, she's not privy to his office activities so there's no expectation of disclosure.

So, is tickling outside of a relationship automatically cheating? The answer is an emphatic NO.

 

[boxleitnerb]

As for the act itself: If it's sexual (arousal), then yes. But if for example an old college friend just tickles a girl for being a brat, then no.
I guess if it's a session (planned, longer than a couple of minutes, possibly with nudity and bondage involved), then also yes. Key words being intent and arousal.

 

[-Hari-]

But that's just it. By what standard has it been decided that tickling is "supposed to have stayed within the boundaries of the relationship?" You say it as though you believe it should have been obvious, but that's really the crux of our disagreement.

Yup, it certainly is the main reason there appears to be a disagreement, however I'm convinced we probably don't disagree so much as we perceived the question differently. Why would he be worried about guilt if it's something that's allowed outside the relationship? That's why I make that assumption.

You could argue that it might be agreed yet he's still worried that despite that he may still feel guilty and wonders if it would be viewed as cheating. I think that's less likely given the the information I had to go on but that's why I went on to talk about that sort of thing after regardless. With less detail than I would of had I assumed the opposite, I admit. But the op can feel free to chime in and tell me I've assumed wrong and discussions can role on you know?

I think we can all agree that engaging in sex or romance with someone other than your SO is cheating. Those are the defaults. Those are the things that if no agreement was ever reached or even talked about, most people in the world would agree constitute a relational violation.

See this is where I'm surprised. From what you said earlier in the thread I thought you were of a different opinion. In an open relationship where sex is allowed with people other than the SO, I really wouldn't say thats cheating. The definition of cheating as far as I understand it is whether or not you're allowed to do it under the conditions of the relationship. If you aren't allowed to do it and you do it anyway, then it's cheating but if you've been granted that option then go crazy (rather a loose way to put it but it'll do) Obviously there's room for common sense, you wouldn't sit there and go through every single thing that's allowed and not allowed, but if the op feels like he might feel guilty then I would assume in the blink of an eye that it's not something the partner would be happy about.

Even in a totally vanilla relationship with no tickle fetishes floating around I would expect it would be at least heavily frowned upon to let another girl tie me up and tickle me behind my girlfriends back. Heavily frowned uopn yes, cheating? Maybe, I would say so. It;s pretty damn intimate. But as a tickle fetishist? For sure, it ticks all the boxes for cheating in my opinion.

So, is tickling outside of a relationship automatically cheating? The answer is an emphatic NO.

Agreed, this was my opinion from the start. It's not automatically cheating. If it's been agreed it's ok then it's fine. Same goes for sex and whatever else might be on the table. But I can't see any version of a relationship where it wouldn't be cheating for a tickle fetishist to arrange a tickle session with someone else without ok'ing it with their partner or at least having an agreement beforehand that that sort of thing is ok to do. The OP mentioned no such agreement so naturally I'm going to assume it's a typical relationship dynamic rather than a more open one.

Ugh, I've got to stop getting into huge discussion that I don't have time to keep track of

 

[SharonP]

Not sure if this as been talked about much here but if you find and arrange tickle sessions with someone
other than your spouse or partner and them not knowing are you cheating?
If you have done this did you have any guilt feelings about it?

I realize that most of the people here on the TMF march to a different drummer, but the vast majority of the people around you... well, we live in a very puritanical country. I believe Spitzer and Weiner and all the other people like that in the news have proven that. Weiner has never physically met with anyone... he just trades pictures and does his little shoe fetish roleplays on the phone.... but he was forced out of Congress and is now the laughingstock of the New York City mayoral race.

Keep that in mind.

You don't live next door to Haribishi or Don'tAsk myself or anyone else here. You live among the descendants of pilgrims and puritans. As long as you yourself sexually crave tickling enough so that you have to schedule sessions with a pro or a domme, the people in your life, friends and neighbors, they will see it as cheating.

Even if it's just the mildest foot tickling and you go home to your wife for sex. Weiner only ever had physical sex with his wife; he was judged harsher than Spitzer who had sex with prostitutes.

 

[Coda]

Cheating is a word for violating an agreement. If you've agreed not to engage in some activity except with a partner, then it's cheating to engage in it with someone else. (If you're confused about whether you've agreed on something, or you think your partner might have particular expectation even though you haven't discussed it, then it's time for a conversation with the goal of clarifying that.)

 

[Mane'o]

I think if you do anything that you are consciously aware would hurt your 'other's' feelings and trust, is flat out cheating. If the concept of "sneaking' or 'omission of facts' plays a role in you activities... its cheating. However, if your 'other' doesn't give a weasel fuck's shit in hell what you do, or you don't give a weasel fuck about your other nor your relationship... then you are only cheating yourself.

Well stated. Not to mention, if neither gives a wf what the other does, there is probably not much of a relationship in play anyway.

Cheating, its definitions and permutations, is a topic the relationship forums are overflowing with and the tickle cheat is about .01% of that vast ocean of human misunderstanding and misadventure.

 

[Talamantes]

If I have lunch with a female friend and don't tell my wife, that's not cheating. If we hug each other even if it is intimate that's not cheating. Intimacy isn't always sexual. It's the strength of a feeling. If there is no sexual contact, it's not cheating, in my opinion. Just because your spouse doesn't know about something or it isn't agreed on doesn't make it cheating. If you don't engage in sexual contact, it's not just cheating. Just my view. Tickling without intercourse is more innocuous than a kiss on the mouth good-bye. Just my opinion.

One other thing, tying the status of my conduct based on my partner's sensitivity is unacceptable to me personally to define cheating. There are possessive women and men everywhere. Their insecurity doesn't transfer otherwise nonsexual conduct into cheating. Anymore than a cell phone call. If you don't grope or act in a sexual manner, it's not cheating, in my opinion.

 

[rhiannon]

If I have lunch with a female friend and don't tell my wife, that's not cheating. If we hug each other even if it is intimate that's not cheating. Intimacy isn't always sexual. It's the strength of a feeling. If there is no sexual contact, it's not cheating, in my opinion. Just because your spouse doesn't know about something or it isn't agreed on doesn't make it cheating. If you don't engage in sexual contact, it's not just cheating. Just my view. Tickling without intercourse is more innocuous than a kiss on the mouth good-bye. Just my opinion.

The thing is: it doesn't matter what your opinion is here. If your wife thinks you are cheating on her if you do all these things and kicks you butt out for it, you can think all you want that it is not cheating - it's her opinion that counts!

One other thing, tying the status of my conduct based on my partner's sensitivity is unacceptable to me personally to define cheating.

It might be unacceptable to you, but it's still the way it is. The partner is the only person who can decide what they consider cheating and what they will tolerate and what they won't.

 

[TiickleNiicole]

I say it is. Having another guy put his hands all over you (regardless of whether you're tied up, which in that case would make it even worse) wouldn't seem right. Even if it's strictly tickling i'd still go ahead and say it's a form of cheating, especially if you're doing it behind your boyfriend/husbands back. I'd feel guilty afterwards but thats just how i'd feel.

 

[FeatherEndeavor]

Yes I'd say it's cheating but it depends partially on intent. Let's say you're tickling someone and the 2 of you just get a rush off of it. They get high off the laughter a you get a high from watching them laugh. Then one could argue that it's not cheating because it's just fun. But if tickling kinda turns you on then that makes it more of a sensual activity. In that case if you're tickling somebody that's not your SO and you're not in an open relationship then I'd say it's cheating.

 

[DontAskJusTckle]

If I have lunch with a female friend and don't tell my wife, that's not cheating. If we hug each other even if it is intimate that's not cheating. Intimacy isn't always sexual. It's the strength of a feeling. If there is no sexual contact, it's not cheating, in my opinion. Just because your spouse doesn't know about something or it isn't agreed on doesn't make it cheating. If you don't engage in sexual contact, it's not just cheating. Just my view. Tickling without intercourse is more innocuous than a kiss on the mouth good-bye. Just my opinion.

One other thing, tying the status of my conduct based on my partner's sensitivity is unacceptable to me personally to define cheating. There are possessive women and men everywhere. Their insecurity doesn't transfer otherwise nonsexual conduct into cheating. Anymore than a cell phone call. If you don't grope or act in a sexual manner, it's not cheating, in my opinion.

Well said, brother. And whatever you do, don't let anybody tell you that your opinion doesn't matter.