All weekend, the History Channel has been showing a ton of those fucking 2012 prophecy shows. You know, because Nostradamus and the Mayans, and fucking...I don’t know, Ms. Cleo...all think the world is going to end. And it’s starting to make me hope it does happen. Kind of like, I wish the Earth would explode so I wouldn’t have to watch this shit! This kind of religious paranoia, and all of the mystery surrounding ancient cultures, it’s all bullshit. Hey, has anyone noticed all of these civilizations are GONE, now? Not something I would expect, from a group of people who can see the future. Because if I knew another group of people was going to conquer my civilization, I believe my first thought would be, “Ummm...maybe we should move.”
The thing is, people can’t tell the difference between intelligence and knowledge. These ancient people may have had a lot of intelligence. They had plenty of time to think. But there wasn’t a whole hell of a lot they actually understood. These are two separate concepts. But we don’t care. We see that they kept track of astronomical events, and we decide they must have had a connection to a deeper truth. That they were advanced in a different way, and could see things we have no hope of comprehending. And all it takes is a little embellishment, or a little selective interpretation, to convince oneself that these people really were prophets. These are people who thought volcanos exploded because their god was upset, and we think they knew when the apocalypse was going to happen. “But they knew when the Earth and sun would line up with the center of the galaxy!” No shit! Let me explain something. These people did not have iPods. Or computers. Or television. The only show they watched, was called “Look Up At The Fuckin’ Sky For Hours”. It was one of their few sources of entertainment, and more importantly, it was how they kept track of time. And when you rely on the movement of the stars that much, and spend that much time staring at them, you’re going to come up with a pretty accurate record of their movement patterns. So yes, they did know when a lot of astronomical events would occur. What of it? It’s not called being psychic, it’s called noticing shit, and we might understand that if we were a little more capable of it, ourselves. So, they knew what they saw, and they filled in what they didn’t know with a lot of nonsense. And we call that nonsense religion, or spirituality.
And it’s a common date because a lot of ancient cultures based their lives around the movement of the stars. It is a fact that the sun is going to line up with the center of our galaxy, from our point of view, on that day. Any culture that knew that would have seen it as a significant date. "OMG how did they all pick the SAME day?!" is no fucking mystery, Sherlock. The cosmic events? Factual. The idea that they’re going to influence our lives significantly, and in a predictable manner? Nonsense. As far as I know, anyway. I might end up being wrong, sure. But if I am, we’ll all die soon after, and it won’t matter.
But it did get me thinking. What do all of these alleged prophets have, that I don’t? A bunch of predictions, and a way to cover their asses in case they’re wrong? Fuck, I can do that! And so I hereby proclaim myself the next great prophet! If you feel you’re prepared to know the future, then read on...
So you wanna know what’s going to happen? I’ll tell you. But I make no guarantees. If it doesn’t happen, it’s because YOU did something to piss God off, and made him change his mind. Are we clear on this? No liability, on my end. None! Because that’s how prophets work. December 21, 2012. Here’s what’s gonna happen. First, when you go to bed on December 20th, put a pillow over your head. And nail your pets to the floor. Because when you wake up on the 21st, you’ll be on the ceiling. You’re going to be thrown against it, overnight, and if you don’t have something there to cushion the blow, you’ll have a brain hemorrhage, and die. You’re going to be on the ceiling, because on that day, gravity is going to be going the other way. Because gravity is going to have a midlife crisis, and it thinks it might be gay. And gay gravity makes things upside down. It’s in the bible, read it sometime. If you can’t find where it says that, you’re not reading it right. Why did YOU think Christians are so opposed to homosexuality? That’s why. It reverses gravity. So don’t go outside, or you’ll float off into space. That’s what’s going to happen to any animals that are outside, and can’t fly. A few lucky ones might get caught in trees, and survive. And all of the birds are going to be laughing at them, because they CAN fly, and never gave a fuck which way was up, to begin with. Don’t worry, it’s only going to last a few hours. Gravity will figure out that the one weekend it experimented with its friend, electromagnetism, at summer camp, doesn’t really mean anything, and it’s straight, after all. Of course, it offers little consolation to everyone who was outside, and floated off into space, and exploded. And when gravity returns to normal, their guts will be drawn into orbit around the Earth, giving our planet its very own ring system, like Saturn. Only, you know, made out of guts. Never in your life have you seen anything so beautiful, yet so disgusting.
At noon (GMT), the precise moment when the Earth, the sun, and the center of the milky way are in total alignment, the cosmic rays from the supermassive black hole will make the sun turn blue. Don’t look at it. Do NOT look at it. It’s like the ark of the convenant. You look at it, and your face melts. It’s in the bible. Not the King James version, the Indiana Jones version. At this moment, Mercury and Venus will both explode with the force of 10 million hydrogen bombs (because they’ll be facing it, poor bastards). Sadly, that will be the end of Venus’s only native species, the weightless invisible sulfur toad.
Now, the rest of this is kind of speculation. It depends on a lot of different factors. But if my calculations are correct, the extra gravity from the combined weight of the sun and the center of the galaxy will pull a large quantity of magma up from the Earth’s core, causing the supervolcano at Yellowstone to erupt. Fortunately, it will immediately be extinguished by a tsunami. One large enough to reach from the Pacific coast to Wyoming. Shut up, it could too happen, you don’t know. ...it’s in the bible. Next is a global earthquake. Every single location on the planet will be shaken by a 9.5-magnitude quake. No buildings will be left standing. As a matter of fact, the quake will be so intense that elderly people’s bones won’t be able to take it, and will be liquified, reducing the elderly to gelatinous puddles. Which is good, because then when the famine hits, we’ll have something to eat. Yeah, you can talk all you want about how gross it sounds. But an hour later, when the sun sets every vegetable on Earth ablaze, and every species of animal begins to die off, and there’s nothing left to eat, you’ll be begging for a bowl of geezer soup.
That’s when the comet will hit. Because God is super pissed. And at this point, nobody will be an atheist. We’ll all believe, and we’ll all be praying. Even me. We’ll say, “Dear God, we’re sorry for using the free will and intellect you gave us!” And he’ll strike down fully one fifth of the remaining population of Earth, with a giant lightning bolt, holding an empty beer bottle in one hand, shouting in a drunken frenzy, “There! Do you think I enjoy this?! You MAKE me hurt you!” And he’ll hurl that comet at us. It’ll hit, and completely vaporize the Earth’s crust. The whole planet will be a sea of fire, littered with people floating on doorsand standing on their roofs, like New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina, only with fire instead of water. Now we’ve hit rock bottom. Total despair. And we’re begging, in futility, for some kind of salvation, as our flesh melts and drips off of our bones.
And finally, at this, the last moment for humanity, God will suddenly disappear into thin air. A big flying saucer will swoop in, stopping overhead, in the sky. It’ll shoot a bunch of lasers, putting the skin back on our bodies, and reassembling the planet. It will restore everything to its previous condition, and bring all the plants and animals in the world back to life. We’ll even vomit up the old people we ate, and they will be reconstructed and revived by this miraculous, mysterious visitor. When it’s all done, and everything is back to normal, a big, big megaphone, biggest one you’ve ever seen, will come out of it. We’ll hear a loud voice booming over it. It will say, “Klexnar Morons!” Because December 21, 2012 is Klexnar Morons Day, which is the galactic equivalent of April Fool’s Day. And we’ll all have a good laugh.
The thing is, people can’t tell the difference between intelligence and knowledge. These ancient people may have had a lot of intelligence. They had plenty of time to think. But there wasn’t a whole hell of a lot they actually understood. These are two separate concepts. But we don’t care. We see that they kept track of astronomical events, and we decide they must have had a connection to a deeper truth. That they were advanced in a different way, and could see things we have no hope of comprehending. And all it takes is a little embellishment, or a little selective interpretation, to convince oneself that these people really were prophets. These are people who thought volcanos exploded because their god was upset, and we think they knew when the apocalypse was going to happen. “But they knew when the Earth and sun would line up with the center of the galaxy!” No shit! Let me explain something. These people did not have iPods. Or computers. Or television. The only show they watched, was called “Look Up At The Fuckin’ Sky For Hours”. It was one of their few sources of entertainment, and more importantly, it was how they kept track of time. And when you rely on the movement of the stars that much, and spend that much time staring at them, you’re going to come up with a pretty accurate record of their movement patterns. So yes, they did know when a lot of astronomical events would occur. What of it? It’s not called being psychic, it’s called noticing shit, and we might understand that if we were a little more capable of it, ourselves. So, they knew what they saw, and they filled in what they didn’t know with a lot of nonsense. And we call that nonsense religion, or spirituality.
And it’s a common date because a lot of ancient cultures based their lives around the movement of the stars. It is a fact that the sun is going to line up with the center of our galaxy, from our point of view, on that day. Any culture that knew that would have seen it as a significant date. "OMG how did they all pick the SAME day?!" is no fucking mystery, Sherlock. The cosmic events? Factual. The idea that they’re going to influence our lives significantly, and in a predictable manner? Nonsense. As far as I know, anyway. I might end up being wrong, sure. But if I am, we’ll all die soon after, and it won’t matter.
But it did get me thinking. What do all of these alleged prophets have, that I don’t? A bunch of predictions, and a way to cover their asses in case they’re wrong? Fuck, I can do that! And so I hereby proclaim myself the next great prophet! If you feel you’re prepared to know the future, then read on...
So you wanna know what’s going to happen? I’ll tell you. But I make no guarantees. If it doesn’t happen, it’s because YOU did something to piss God off, and made him change his mind. Are we clear on this? No liability, on my end. None! Because that’s how prophets work. December 21, 2012. Here’s what’s gonna happen. First, when you go to bed on December 20th, put a pillow over your head. And nail your pets to the floor. Because when you wake up on the 21st, you’ll be on the ceiling. You’re going to be thrown against it, overnight, and if you don’t have something there to cushion the blow, you’ll have a brain hemorrhage, and die. You’re going to be on the ceiling, because on that day, gravity is going to be going the other way. Because gravity is going to have a midlife crisis, and it thinks it might be gay. And gay gravity makes things upside down. It’s in the bible, read it sometime. If you can’t find where it says that, you’re not reading it right. Why did YOU think Christians are so opposed to homosexuality? That’s why. It reverses gravity. So don’t go outside, or you’ll float off into space. That’s what’s going to happen to any animals that are outside, and can’t fly. A few lucky ones might get caught in trees, and survive. And all of the birds are going to be laughing at them, because they CAN fly, and never gave a fuck which way was up, to begin with. Don’t worry, it’s only going to last a few hours. Gravity will figure out that the one weekend it experimented with its friend, electromagnetism, at summer camp, doesn’t really mean anything, and it’s straight, after all. Of course, it offers little consolation to everyone who was outside, and floated off into space, and exploded. And when gravity returns to normal, their guts will be drawn into orbit around the Earth, giving our planet its very own ring system, like Saturn. Only, you know, made out of guts. Never in your life have you seen anything so beautiful, yet so disgusting.
At noon (GMT), the precise moment when the Earth, the sun, and the center of the milky way are in total alignment, the cosmic rays from the supermassive black hole will make the sun turn blue. Don’t look at it. Do NOT look at it. It’s like the ark of the convenant. You look at it, and your face melts. It’s in the bible. Not the King James version, the Indiana Jones version. At this moment, Mercury and Venus will both explode with the force of 10 million hydrogen bombs (because they’ll be facing it, poor bastards). Sadly, that will be the end of Venus’s only native species, the weightless invisible sulfur toad.
Now, the rest of this is kind of speculation. It depends on a lot of different factors. But if my calculations are correct, the extra gravity from the combined weight of the sun and the center of the galaxy will pull a large quantity of magma up from the Earth’s core, causing the supervolcano at Yellowstone to erupt. Fortunately, it will immediately be extinguished by a tsunami. One large enough to reach from the Pacific coast to Wyoming. Shut up, it could too happen, you don’t know. ...it’s in the bible. Next is a global earthquake. Every single location on the planet will be shaken by a 9.5-magnitude quake. No buildings will be left standing. As a matter of fact, the quake will be so intense that elderly people’s bones won’t be able to take it, and will be liquified, reducing the elderly to gelatinous puddles. Which is good, because then when the famine hits, we’ll have something to eat. Yeah, you can talk all you want about how gross it sounds. But an hour later, when the sun sets every vegetable on Earth ablaze, and every species of animal begins to die off, and there’s nothing left to eat, you’ll be begging for a bowl of geezer soup.
That’s when the comet will hit. Because God is super pissed. And at this point, nobody will be an atheist. We’ll all believe, and we’ll all be praying. Even me. We’ll say, “Dear God, we’re sorry for using the free will and intellect you gave us!” And he’ll strike down fully one fifth of the remaining population of Earth, with a giant lightning bolt, holding an empty beer bottle in one hand, shouting in a drunken frenzy, “There! Do you think I enjoy this?! You MAKE me hurt you!” And he’ll hurl that comet at us. It’ll hit, and completely vaporize the Earth’s crust. The whole planet will be a sea of fire, littered with people floating on doorsand standing on their roofs, like New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina, only with fire instead of water. Now we’ve hit rock bottom. Total despair. And we’re begging, in futility, for some kind of salvation, as our flesh melts and drips off of our bones.
And finally, at this, the last moment for humanity, God will suddenly disappear into thin air. A big flying saucer will swoop in, stopping overhead, in the sky. It’ll shoot a bunch of lasers, putting the skin back on our bodies, and reassembling the planet. It will restore everything to its previous condition, and bring all the plants and animals in the world back to life. We’ll even vomit up the old people we ate, and they will be reconstructed and revived by this miraculous, mysterious visitor. When it’s all done, and everything is back to normal, a big, big megaphone, biggest one you’ve ever seen, will come out of it. We’ll hear a loud voice booming over it. It will say, “Klexnar Morons!” Because December 21, 2012 is Klexnar Morons Day, which is the galactic equivalent of April Fool’s Day. And we’ll all have a good laugh.
