After spending a while at the grocery store today, I have some helpful tips for those who seem to have trouble shopping.
1. Stay to the right. You likely learned this in elementary school, when you preschool teacher walked you down the hallway to lunch, and had you all stay to the right to avoid being beaten about the face by a second grade bully. The rules still apply here, except instead of being beaten, you'll have your cart rammed by an elderly person on one of those scooters, spilling your feminine hygiene products all over the aisle, where you will need to pick them up in front of the giggling high school students.
2. At no point should you need to stop your cart in the middle of an aisle while you look up and down for the Hickory Smoked Sardines. Move as far to one side as you can, and work quickly. People are trying to get to the pickled pig's feet dental floss, and you're in the way.
3. When on the cell phone at the grocery store, you can still maintain a normal volumed voice. You do not need to tell everyone in aisles 5 - 9 that you can't find the right form of contraceptive, and will your girlfriend mind if you use Plastic Wrap and a hair scrunchie instead.
4. Finally, and most importantly, the express lanes are there for a reason. Do not, I repeat, do not go into a regular lane when you are only buying cat food, cheerios, and a head of lettuce, or the people behind you will start silently plotting your death.
That's all. Happy shopping, friends.
1. Stay to the right. You likely learned this in elementary school, when you preschool teacher walked you down the hallway to lunch, and had you all stay to the right to avoid being beaten about the face by a second grade bully. The rules still apply here, except instead of being beaten, you'll have your cart rammed by an elderly person on one of those scooters, spilling your feminine hygiene products all over the aisle, where you will need to pick them up in front of the giggling high school students.
2. At no point should you need to stop your cart in the middle of an aisle while you look up and down for the Hickory Smoked Sardines. Move as far to one side as you can, and work quickly. People are trying to get to the pickled pig's feet dental floss, and you're in the way.
3. When on the cell phone at the grocery store, you can still maintain a normal volumed voice. You do not need to tell everyone in aisles 5 - 9 that you can't find the right form of contraceptive, and will your girlfriend mind if you use Plastic Wrap and a hair scrunchie instead.
4. Finally, and most importantly, the express lanes are there for a reason. Do not, I repeat, do not go into a regular lane when you are only buying cat food, cheerios, and a head of lettuce, or the people behind you will start silently plotting your death.
That's all. Happy shopping, friends.
