Well, the tone of this blog might not be very happy but I'll try to keep it as positive as I can. I know a lot of you know that my mother passed away last year. The first holidays without her obviously sucked. For some reason though, I think the holidays this year are going to suck even more. I think it's because last year, everything was still so new and raw....we were just so numb. This year though, I feel it. I feel her not here. I have this huge empty space inside and I can't seem to make it go away, no matter how much I try. I miss her more than I ever thought I could miss anyone in my life. As much as I tried to prepare for her death as she got sicker and sicker, nothing compared to actually being there, holding her hand as we walked her up to the gates of Heaven, watching her take that precious last breath and then realizing that she was finally gone. That was the hardest moment of my life and a moment that gets replayed often in my mind. I find myself looking at mothers and daughters whenever out in public and find myself yearning for that same thing. It's like I'm jealous that they can do those simple everyday things with their moms and I'll never be able to again. Again, I'm sorry for having such a sad blog but for some reason, I just feel like putting my thoughts down on paper (or a monitor). I don't do this often at all and anyone who knows me knows that while I may be friendly with people, very, very rarely will I actually open up and let my guard down. I have built this wall up around me so high that I'm so scared what will happen should I let it crumble a bit. It's almost like I have to be forced to deal with my feelings. Yeah, I went into denial pretty much immediately after my mother died. I think that was the only way that I could deal with it at the time. Everyone kept telling me that I couldn't avoid dealing with my feelings forever and that eventually they'd catch up with me. They were right. But at the same time I'd always hear, "Wow, I don't know how you do it!" or "You're so strong!" or "No matter what, you're always so happy!" Denial can make it very easy to portray someone who's happy during those times when they're not. And you can't let those down that think so highly of you, right? Don't get me wrong, am I basically a happy person? Yes I am. Am I usually so positive that it's sickening? Yes to that too. But it's when I'm feeling down or upset (as humans sometimes feel), I think I'm just needing to know that it's ok to not have a smile on my face if I'm not feeling it or that it's ok to cry. There are so many times where I just want to be held so I CAN cry and just feel comforted and loved and have someone tell me that everything is going to be ok. I just have to GET to that point. I did see a grief counselor after my mom died but he pretty much told me what I already knew so it didn't help much. I think this is just some sort of internal battle that I have to deal with on my own. Wish me luck and thanks so much for listening. Sorry for how long this is.
