Feelings. They are wonderful and can make life worth living, but they can also be your worst enemy and the most horrible thing in the universe. I have had my share of difficult times in my life, but one of my worst experiences happened two-three months ago. This writing is kind of a closure for myself and what I have experienced, so bear with me.
Have you ever been in love for real? I thought I did, but two years ago all that changed. I met this cute girl I only had met one time before. Frankly I didn't expect much, but we had a great time. We got a great friendship and had a lot of fun together. She is also a BDSM girl, so after some time we started playing together. It was the best! The chemistry was so incredible. I kind of found myself again when it comes to being a Dominant.
Like I sayd, we had a great time together and after time went by I started to get feelings for her. I was married at the time and we had a open relationship. I don't know how the idea came up, but we talked about having a polyamory relationship. It was a exciting thought, so I let my feelings run free. That summer I was together with my wife and her. Then it happened. as time went by, I felt more and more that the relationship with my wife was not good for me. I didn't feel safe there. I didn't get the love I felt I deserved to get. I felt like I was being taken for granted. I'm not going to sit here and write alot of crap about my ex-wife, but unfortunately she was not the one for me. When it came to feelings and showing it, we where two completely different persons.
The following months was really stressful for me. I was in a situation where I had to leave everything I had with my ex-wife. The house, the family, the dog, fellow friends etc etc. We had been together for almost 7 years when I ended it with my ex-wife. I really had mixed feelings. It was really hard to do it, but at the same time I felt I did the right thing. The first months my mind was a mess. It went so far that I also broke up with the new girl, something I felt was terribly wrong right away. We patched up and got back together after a few days.
I was in the beginning of a new life, but at the same time the past was haunting me. The haunting got more and more intense as time went by. I'm not going to go into details on what happened, but it was really rough. I lived in a state of fear I hadn't experienced since my childhood. I didn't dare tell anyone about my fear. Not my family or friends...not even the girl I loved. Hiding a fear like that does something bad to you. I became angry and irritated of small pointless things. I will always regret how I treated the girl I loved. I was angry at her, yelled at her and didn't give her any attention when it came to her life. I was to busy struggling with my own life. This, of course, was really bad for the relationship with my girl.
Two-three months ago I had the final weekend with my love. The haunting in my head was so great, that I wasn't even there with her (mentally). My mind was grinding the fear. I wanted to tell her about about the haunting, but my mouth wouldn't let me. Instead I started the talk about breaking up. My mind was screaming "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!!??" but nothing I wanted to do happened. So there I was. Sitting with the love of my life and I just broke up with her.
I spent the night at her place, holding around her. Our last night together. I had a early morning shift at work. Leaving her apartment was so difficult. I gave her the last hug, struggling to hold back the tears. My eyes was scanning the room and I saw some memories. The picture of us from a amusement park and the custom refrigerator magnets with pictures of us.
The next days, my mind was battling me with all force. After a intense battle, it finally won! WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I DONE!!?? Every fear I had in my body collapsed and the only fear I could feel was that I just threw away the love of my life. I knew I had to get rid of the haunting, and so I did. Unfortunately it was to late. After months of being with a alter version of myself, she had had enough. It was so frustrating to not being wanted because of something I'm not. But I don't blame her. Why would things be different now? I will never get the chance to prove it. She feels it was the right decision.
What I got left now is my eternal gratitude. She showed me a new world and opened my eyes. I deserve someone who gives something back to me. Someone who loves me for who I am. Someone who is there for me. I'm so sad that I wasn't there for her the last months. She gave me so much and I did nothing. It's hard to forgive yourself. I don't have any contact with her now. It was killing me when I saw her with someone else. Just wanted to die then. I tryed to hate her to make things easier, but I can't stop loving her. I really hope she has a good life now.
It's been the worst months in my life but I'm finally starting to move on. The last two-three weeks have been the turning point after this happened. For the first time I can relax again. I can laugh again. I can be social again.
The last two years have been the most important lession I experienced here in life. Never take anyone for granted and never accept being taken for granted. You can have it all, but you can lose it all in a heartbeat.
I never knew it would be this hard to lose something I never had...
Have you ever been in love for real? I thought I did, but two years ago all that changed. I met this cute girl I only had met one time before. Frankly I didn't expect much, but we had a great time. We got a great friendship and had a lot of fun together. She is also a BDSM girl, so after some time we started playing together. It was the best! The chemistry was so incredible. I kind of found myself again when it comes to being a Dominant.
Like I sayd, we had a great time together and after time went by I started to get feelings for her. I was married at the time and we had a open relationship. I don't know how the idea came up, but we talked about having a polyamory relationship. It was a exciting thought, so I let my feelings run free. That summer I was together with my wife and her. Then it happened. as time went by, I felt more and more that the relationship with my wife was not good for me. I didn't feel safe there. I didn't get the love I felt I deserved to get. I felt like I was being taken for granted. I'm not going to sit here and write alot of crap about my ex-wife, but unfortunately she was not the one for me. When it came to feelings and showing it, we where two completely different persons.
The following months was really stressful for me. I was in a situation where I had to leave everything I had with my ex-wife. The house, the family, the dog, fellow friends etc etc. We had been together for almost 7 years when I ended it with my ex-wife. I really had mixed feelings. It was really hard to do it, but at the same time I felt I did the right thing. The first months my mind was a mess. It went so far that I also broke up with the new girl, something I felt was terribly wrong right away. We patched up and got back together after a few days.
I was in the beginning of a new life, but at the same time the past was haunting me. The haunting got more and more intense as time went by. I'm not going to go into details on what happened, but it was really rough. I lived in a state of fear I hadn't experienced since my childhood. I didn't dare tell anyone about my fear. Not my family or friends...not even the girl I loved. Hiding a fear like that does something bad to you. I became angry and irritated of small pointless things. I will always regret how I treated the girl I loved. I was angry at her, yelled at her and didn't give her any attention when it came to her life. I was to busy struggling with my own life. This, of course, was really bad for the relationship with my girl.
Two-three months ago I had the final weekend with my love. The haunting in my head was so great, that I wasn't even there with her (mentally). My mind was grinding the fear. I wanted to tell her about about the haunting, but my mouth wouldn't let me. Instead I started the talk about breaking up. My mind was screaming "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!!??" but nothing I wanted to do happened. So there I was. Sitting with the love of my life and I just broke up with her.
I spent the night at her place, holding around her. Our last night together. I had a early morning shift at work. Leaving her apartment was so difficult. I gave her the last hug, struggling to hold back the tears. My eyes was scanning the room and I saw some memories. The picture of us from a amusement park and the custom refrigerator magnets with pictures of us.
The next days, my mind was battling me with all force. After a intense battle, it finally won! WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I DONE!!?? Every fear I had in my body collapsed and the only fear I could feel was that I just threw away the love of my life. I knew I had to get rid of the haunting, and so I did. Unfortunately it was to late. After months of being with a alter version of myself, she had had enough. It was so frustrating to not being wanted because of something I'm not. But I don't blame her. Why would things be different now? I will never get the chance to prove it. She feels it was the right decision.
What I got left now is my eternal gratitude. She showed me a new world and opened my eyes. I deserve someone who gives something back to me. Someone who loves me for who I am. Someone who is there for me. I'm so sad that I wasn't there for her the last months. She gave me so much and I did nothing. It's hard to forgive yourself. I don't have any contact with her now. It was killing me when I saw her with someone else. Just wanted to die then. I tryed to hate her to make things easier, but I can't stop loving her. I really hope she has a good life now.
It's been the worst months in my life but I'm finally starting to move on. The last two-three weeks have been the turning point after this happened. For the first time I can relax again. I can laugh again. I can be social again.
The last two years have been the most important lession I experienced here in life. Never take anyone for granted and never accept being taken for granted. You can have it all, but you can lose it all in a heartbeat.
I never knew it would be this hard to lose something I never had...
