So, sometimes I get into these really introspective moods and start analyzing the absolute hell out of specific aspects of myself (Similar to that of my last entry, but this is less based on my emotional state and more on just some random faff I was thinking about at.... 11:02pm on a Friday night haha). It's not something I really plan but it has helped me through some tough shit and has provided me the perspective I have today.
My recently mental-spelunk has been into my submissive (or to be more specific, my ticklee side) because it's a fairly difficult thing for me to really rationalize. It's like trying to iron around the seams of a shirt, you always get super close to getting it all nice and pressed but there's that little bit at the folds that just won't straighten out and you sort of have to accept that it's going to have a few wrinkles and move on (nothing is perfect, right?).
I am not someone who wears their submissive side on their sleeve, I don't think I even own the patch to sew onto it. I don't feel comfortable acting that way toward someone without first establishing the trust that my vulnerability isn't being taken for granted. The first time it was taken for granted was more than enough for me, each subsequent time was (as Roger Waters aptly put it) just another brick in the wall. Quite a wall it turned out to be, it seems, and is the reason for me actually putting this into writing this time. I'm not entirely sure if I just want to be able to read it back to myself or if this is my way of thrusting an arm through a crack in the wall, hoping someone might help pull me through to the other side... The hesitation in finishing that last sentence has me thinking it's likely the latter. Eh, to whoever decides to read this, I'm not asking you to be the one who helps me through. I just appreciate you taking the time and especially the consideration to learn a bit about me, even if I may not understand your reasoning.
But, I digress, back to me wanting to be tickled, haha. I look around these sites (might put this up on both Fetlife and the TMF) and I see people interacting in a way that makes me feel jealousy of all things. Male 'lees getting attention from female 'lers. Something that the wall I've built up is supposed to be shielding me from but all it's doing is making me bang against it with all my might so that I can experience that as well. Paradoxically, my submissive side desires more than anything than to be pursued by a dominant woman. To be able to put myself out there and feel like someone is showing an interest in me. In the context of tickling, knowing that someone genuinely wants to have me under their fingers. I feel a jealously to all those male 'lees who can so freely put themselves out there and get that bite, whether it's a simple reply to a comment on a thread or the ongoing, teasing back and forth in chat. I want that too. When I'm feeling particularly bold, I'll start posting around and getting a bit more vocal with people I think might cast a glance my way but for one reason or another, I find myself being plopped back where I started. It's usually through no fault of the people I'm reaching out to, no one is obligated to “shower me with attention” or anything. We all have our different tastes and mix that in with geography, time and priorities shifting; it's a hell of a timing finding someone this specific.
And as abruptly as that... I don't think I really have anything else to add on the matter. I'm not sure if I'm just tired or if I stepped too close to a more deeply rooted issue and I'm starting to pull back because I'm not ready to deal with it yet... I was starting to write stuff along the lines of me getting closer to a point where I can just put myself out there more freely but I felt a tug. Like I walked out to the end of my leash and had to step back a bit before I hurt myself. Huh... That's funny.
Anyway... fuck, I dunno what I'm gonna do with this. I'll put it up on my profiles, as a kind of reminder to myself of what I was thinking and also maybe get some feedback from other people? If you really feel compelled to share a thought or experience with this kind of stuff? I may end up deleting this if I disagree with it at a later time... perhaps tomorrow morning, haha.
Anyway, thanks for reading this if you got this far, ya weirdo!
My recently mental-spelunk has been into my submissive (or to be more specific, my ticklee side) because it's a fairly difficult thing for me to really rationalize. It's like trying to iron around the seams of a shirt, you always get super close to getting it all nice and pressed but there's that little bit at the folds that just won't straighten out and you sort of have to accept that it's going to have a few wrinkles and move on (nothing is perfect, right?).
I am not someone who wears their submissive side on their sleeve, I don't think I even own the patch to sew onto it. I don't feel comfortable acting that way toward someone without first establishing the trust that my vulnerability isn't being taken for granted. The first time it was taken for granted was more than enough for me, each subsequent time was (as Roger Waters aptly put it) just another brick in the wall. Quite a wall it turned out to be, it seems, and is the reason for me actually putting this into writing this time. I'm not entirely sure if I just want to be able to read it back to myself or if this is my way of thrusting an arm through a crack in the wall, hoping someone might help pull me through to the other side... The hesitation in finishing that last sentence has me thinking it's likely the latter. Eh, to whoever decides to read this, I'm not asking you to be the one who helps me through. I just appreciate you taking the time and especially the consideration to learn a bit about me, even if I may not understand your reasoning.
But, I digress, back to me wanting to be tickled, haha. I look around these sites (might put this up on both Fetlife and the TMF) and I see people interacting in a way that makes me feel jealousy of all things. Male 'lees getting attention from female 'lers. Something that the wall I've built up is supposed to be shielding me from but all it's doing is making me bang against it with all my might so that I can experience that as well. Paradoxically, my submissive side desires more than anything than to be pursued by a dominant woman. To be able to put myself out there and feel like someone is showing an interest in me. In the context of tickling, knowing that someone genuinely wants to have me under their fingers. I feel a jealously to all those male 'lees who can so freely put themselves out there and get that bite, whether it's a simple reply to a comment on a thread or the ongoing, teasing back and forth in chat. I want that too. When I'm feeling particularly bold, I'll start posting around and getting a bit more vocal with people I think might cast a glance my way but for one reason or another, I find myself being plopped back where I started. It's usually through no fault of the people I'm reaching out to, no one is obligated to “shower me with attention” or anything. We all have our different tastes and mix that in with geography, time and priorities shifting; it's a hell of a timing finding someone this specific.
And as abruptly as that... I don't think I really have anything else to add on the matter. I'm not sure if I'm just tired or if I stepped too close to a more deeply rooted issue and I'm starting to pull back because I'm not ready to deal with it yet... I was starting to write stuff along the lines of me getting closer to a point where I can just put myself out there more freely but I felt a tug. Like I walked out to the end of my leash and had to step back a bit before I hurt myself. Huh... That's funny.
Anyway... fuck, I dunno what I'm gonna do with this. I'll put it up on my profiles, as a kind of reminder to myself of what I was thinking and also maybe get some feedback from other people? If you really feel compelled to share a thought or experience with this kind of stuff? I may end up deleting this if I disagree with it at a later time... perhaps tomorrow morning, haha.
Anyway, thanks for reading this if you got this far, ya weirdo!
