Am I wrong?

[HalfElven]

I'd like to get the opinion of the ladies and gentlemen here, since i've gotten such a mixed response from the people I've talked to about this so far.

Last nite my cousin called me really upset, she's the same age as me and we more or less grew up together and have always been there for each other when we needed someone. Anyway she found out yesterday that her husband (they've been married six years), has been having cybersex with at least 3 different women for at least the last 3 months. When she asked him about it he played if off telling her it was no different than him looking at porn, and that she was making a big deal out of nothing since it was only talking.

I listened as she talked, my anger at her husband growing when she started crying asking me what she had done wrong. I guess it's a good thing they live in TN and I'm currently without a ride or her husband would be spending some time in the hospital and I'd probably be spending some time in jail.

I know it's kinda a drawn out way to ask the question but I figured I'd give you some background on why I'm asking this question. Do you consider a married person having cybersex without telling their spouse, Cheating?

 

[HalfElven]

Sorry about that I forgot to put what I thought, yes I do consider it cheating since your doing it behind your spouses/lovers back.

 

[Budweiserbob!]

Well, depends where and what it's about.

I mean, if he met this person in a chat-room, was attracted to her and then started having cyber-sex, then yeah that would be cheating because he's doing it for the soul purpose of being with that woman.

But if it was on a paid website with porn-stars on the other end of the cyber-sex, and they'd had no previous interaction together then it wouldn't be cheating as such, still wrong, but not quite cheating in my opinion.

Depends how you look at it and where your boundaries are. It's a bit more...interactive than porn...but it may not necessarily be cheating. :/

PS. Sorry to hear about your cousin. 🙁

 

[Yet_One_More_Idiot]

Well, depends where and what it's about.

I mean, if he met this person in a chat-room, was attracted to her and then started having cyber-sex, then yeah that would be cheating because he's doing it for the soul purpose of being with that woman.

But if it was on a paid website with porn-stars on the other end of the cyber-sex, and they'd had no previous interaction together then it wouldn't be cheating as such, still wrong, but not quite cheating in my opinion.

Depends how you look at it and where your boundaries are. It's a bit more...interactive than porn...but it may not necessarily be cheating. :/

PS. Sorry to hear about your cousin. 🙁

I'd say definitely cheating, whether he got to know the person on the other end first or not; if he got to know them first, then he's having an affair; if he didn't, and went to a paysite for cybersex, he's effectively gotten a prostitute. Either way, he's cheated on your cousin, who I feel lots of sympathy for. 🙁

 

[cletus-factor]

and let's not forget the ethical issue here of did he have it in his mind to either A seek out sex from a prostitute or B did it grow into something more than that and did he give any part of his heart out through this cybersex? Cheating isn't talking, it's giving yourself sexually in any way shape or form to someone who is not your spouse, or girlfriend/boyfriend. Just to say hi to someone on the street is not cheating, and so there you would have the other side of this issue if it was just that, then the spouse who is thinking he/she is being cheated on is really too controlling. And to add to this, oftentimes what brings about cheating isn't that the person doing the cheating is bad, i mean sure there are some of those people out there who "want" to be the local bicycle, but most cheating people cheated because they couldn't get what they wanted sexually out of the relationship they're in and so feeling scared to tell their significant other about the lack, or feeling that they don't want to hurt said person, they will instead cheat, figuring they can get sex from someone else, while still maintaining the said relationship at home which may fulfill their social needs, ie love and acceptance and bonding.

Human nature is too complicated, points at his sig.

 

[Big_Dogg85]

I agree both with Bob and koopa & I also add my sympathies for your cousin.🙂

Whether it was a prostitute or an affair, or whatever "el bastard" calls it, the husband chose to do so: it was not forced on him. My opinion, r4, is that you should tell your cousin to tell "hubby" that what he is doing is hurting her even if it is just talk, get her feelings out there. If he continues along the path of denial or worse, agrees then continues it anyway... then other action should be taken: what that action is I leave to you.

(This is my opinion on this matter. Although I don't think there would be any flames, if someone wants to flame me, PM me then we can talk...Keep the threads flame-free!)

 

[ILove2Tickle1]

Short answer: Yes, it's cheating.

Long answer: People who don't think it's cheating are decieving themselves, in my opinion. Because of the emotional factor involved. Why would you have cybersex with someone if you were satisfied at home? The conversations they have with others are emotionally charged, and you can bet that they didn't tell their 'partner' that they were married when they were doing it either.

 

[morgandee]

ahaha having to ask this question *laf@u* rofl lolo hahah loalolaolaola oh god nevermind dude

 

[Kalamos]

Tough question.
All out cheating? No. Else, when you tell a guy, over the web, to get bust, he should drop dead and you'd be charged with murder by words.

No, not all out cheating, but worse than porn, because the man felt like looking for something outside the couple.
Either he doesn't feel wholly committed, or he's lacking something.

Wouldn't punch him in the mug, but it would pay asking him *why* he resorted to cybersex in the first place.

Just my 2 cents.

 

[Umojar]

Yup.

 

[U.N.Owen]

It's really, really dishonest, and disrespectful to his wife. It is emotional cheating... fantasizing about other women, pretending to engage in sex with them behind his wife's back. It's disgusting.

 

[Timewarp]

To quote Louis Black with a few modified words...

Did I miss a day at school? What did the principle just make an announcement, "Thursday we'll be serving meatloaf and remember kids cybersex doesn't count".

Is cybersex cheating? YES! THERE IS NO DISCUSSION!

If curling is an olympic sport than cybersex is cheating and that's harder than curling so you should get a medal.

 

[MistressValerie1]

I see it as more of a warning sign of possible marital problems. The husband probably feels something is "missing" in the relationship but doesn't have the commincation skills to talk about it with his wife. Encouraging him to discuss his concerns might help.

 

[Kalamos]

It's not like I want to sound like the voice of reason, let alone the cold, heartless bastard trying to tell you shit and that feelings don't matter.
Feelings do matter. Having feelings trampled like that is awful, but let us put things back into perspective.

Jacking off before a pc is a thing, going out, hitting up a girl, having physical sex is another.
You can't compare effects - well, you can, but I simply can't understand.
I mean, if cybersex becomes cheating, what is cheating going to be, in comparision?
Wouldn't the physical act of cheating make real sex worse [or more meaningful] than cybersex?
Can we compare what happens in the real life with online events?
Disposition to cheat is a thing, actual cheating in the real life seems to be a different matter.
Real life and online life can't overlap to that extent - or can they?

 

[Budweiserbob!]

I'd say definitely cheating, whether he got to know the person on the other end first or not; if he got to know them first, then he's having an affair; if he didn't, and went to a paysite for cybersex, he's effectively gotten a prostitute. Either way, he's cheated on your cousin, who I feel lots of sympathy for. 🙁

Yeah, you're right. What was I thinking. :S

 

[HalfElven]

It's not like I want to sound like the voice of reason, let alone the cold, heartless bastard trying to tell you shit and that feelings don't matter.
Feelings do matter. Having feelings trampled like that is awful, but let us put things back into perspective.

Jacking off before a pc is a thing, going out, hitting up a girl, having physical sex is another.
You can't compare effects - well, you can, but I simply can't understand.
I mean, if cybersex becomes cheating, what is cheating going to be, in comparision?
Wouldn't the physical act of cheating make real sex worse [or more meaningful] than cybersex?
Can we compare what happens in the real life with online events?
Disposition to cheat is a thing, actual cheating in the real life seems to be a different matter.
Real life and online life can't overlap to that extent - or can they?

First off I want to say thanks to everyone for there opinion on this matter, and for your good wishes for my cousin. Kalamos while I understand where your coming from with the type of questions that you asked, I still have two problems with it.

First off the fact that he was keeping this from her, she told me she knew he looked at porn since they had looked at it together. I won't go into detail here about what she said, suffice it to say I gathered she was pretty much open to things when it came to the physical side of their marriage.

Second, that it wasn't with just some random women, it was with 3 specific women for the last 3-4 months. I know there's no way I can be unbiased about this since it concerns someone so close to me, and probably the fact that I've been cheated on before doesn't make it any easier.

For those who would like to know I talked to my cousin and her husband last nite, the upside was that they both realize they need to talk to a counciler or someone. Because whether you consider it cheating or not, I think we all agree there's a problem somewhere and you can't fix something if you don't admit it exists.

Hope everyone has a good day, GO TIGERS!

 

[Budweiserbob!]

that it wasn't with just some random women, it was with 3 specific women for the last 3-4 months.

Ahh, that changes my view completely.

For those who would like to know I talked to my cousin and her husband last nite, the upside was that they both realize they need to talk to a counciler or someone. Because whether you consider it cheating or not, I think we all agree there's a problem somewhere and you can't fix something if you don't admit it exists.

Good for them. 🙂

I'm glad they getting some professional help, and I hope it works out for both of them as well. 😀

 

[Kalamos]

First off the fact that he was keeping this from her, she told me she knew he looked at porn since they had looked at it together.
...
Second, that it wasn't with just some random women, it was with 3 specific women for the last 3-4 months.

Well, I won't try and say that he was right or anything.
Maybe he was really rehearsing for outright cheating.
Maybe he was ashamed or unsure.
Secrecy alone doesn't tell us much.

The fact he chose three specific women, as opposed to hitting up new random girls every day, would indicate he was being more than simply an arse.
That man has issues, and for some reason he could not muster the strength to explain himself to his wife.

Maybe counselling will really help in finding out why.

 

[Cbarton]

I believe most couple when they make their wedding vows include something along the line of "forsaking all others..." That includes any sexual interaction. I think many need to stop dancing around the issue and call it what it is: infidelty. Afterall, as Christ said "As a man thinketh, therefore he is" (KJV). In modern English, whatever you think about, that's what you will do.

 

[Kalamos]

In modern English, whatever you think about, that's what you will do.

I can understand your stance on cheating.
If he no longer loves and respects her, the whole marriage becomes pointless.

I'm not sure I can agree on "whatever you think about, that's what you will do", though.
Too simplistic for me.
We don't know enough on this couple to start assuming things.

 

[Cbarton]

it's standard human behavior...the more you think about it, the more you want it until (1) you gain control of your thoughts or (2) the contant thinking about it makes the desire wo high that one loses control and falls to the behavior. This assumes that the said behavior is not looked upon favorably, as infidelity (I hope still ) is.

 

[nessonite1]

So if you're not allowed to "cyber" with someone (relying on someone besides your wife for sexual arousal) then what about reading stories, watching videos, etc (relying on someone besides your wife for sexual arousal)?

 

[Kalamos]

So if you're not allowed to "cyber" with someone
...
then what about reading stories, watching videos, etc (relying on someone besides your wife for sexual arousal)?

I guess r4j20c67's point was also about cybersex being recurrent with the same three cyber-partners.

Guys here will say: ah, all the worse, he had plans for an orgy!
I say: what had those three women in common?
If he chose to have regular cybersex with them alone, that tells a lot.
It's not like finding random partners is that hard.

...

Calling him an arse and a cheat is fun.
But real people are more complex than that - maybe we'll find out he's scum, but we can't on assumptions alone.

Besides, how did they find out about *three* women?
Did they read his logs?
Or did they find him red-handed with three open windows?

Too many questions.
Not enough infos.

...

Gee, I'm boring my own greaves off... 😉

 

[morgandee]

the main problem with this question is that it's just a pit to toss excuses into so someone can write something off

like, well this guy said it was okay so i don't have to be responsible for myself, i'll just say it was his fault because he said it was okay and i was just listening to him instead of establishing my own guidelines and principles

that's a little fucked up and autistic

try encouraging people to be self disciplined and self responsible

durr

likewise trying to be on some moral high ground of sanctimony through other people is pretty lame as well

 

[HalfElven]

I guess r4j20c67's point was also about cybersex being recurrent with the same three cyber-partners.

Guys here will say: ah, all the worse, he had plans for an orgy!
I say: what had those three women in common?
If he chose to have regular cybersex with them alone, that tells a lot.
It's not like finding random partners is that hard.

...

Calling him an arse and a cheat is fun.
But real people are more complex than that - maybe we'll find out he's scum, but we can't on assumptions alone.

Besides, how did they find out about *three* women?
Did they read his logs?
Or did they find him red-handed with three open windows?

Too many questions.
Not enough infos.

















I'm sorry man I don't really understand why how she found out would have anything to do with whether what he was doing was wrong or not. Since you asked though, from what I gather by talking to both of them he always had contact with them late at nite since she worked alot of nightshifts at the hospital. That nite he was pulling a double and she was off work and decided to pay some bills online, two of the three women IM'd her thinking it was him and he admited to the third. The two women she talked to new he was married but he had also told them she knew he was having cybersex with them. I'm trying to stay out of it other than lending emotional support and someone to talk to, since I'm far from being and expert on relationships.

I'm sorry if I caused any problems with my question that was never my intention, I was just curious how all of you viewed this subject.