Big Ugly Jerk answers your questions!

[MayDay1]

I have a question too, what mean Omg?, i've seen that term several times, but i don't know its meaning. Remember i live in Venezuela and only speak english on internet (some forums and e-mails), rest of times i speak spanish.

"Oh My God". But I wish it meant "Oscar Mucho Grouch" after the Seseme Street character.

 

[cosquillero1]

Thanks you MayDay !!.

 

[alf1]

"Oh My God"

Nothing says it's just yours :weird:........hey besides nothing proves it exists.

 

[MayDay1]

Have we allready run out of gas on this idea? Drag........

 

[nessonite1]

Question...
What can one do to get a man with NO sex drive to show a slight interest in the subject?

 

[MayDay1]

Wow. This one's tough. Is this because he doesn't WANT to or because he CAN'T?

 

[nessonite1]

Lack of interest, MayDay. Physically capable just never thinks of it himself and seldom shows any interest in direct advances.

 

[Merman]

So, if fuzzy wuzzy was a woman, why was she fuzzy?

 

[MayDay1]

Lack of interest, MayDay. Physically capable just never thinks of it himself and seldom shows any interest in direct advances.

I honestly had a hard time with this question. I understand that in every marriage, even if it's a total storybook operation, there will be that unavoidable stage of complacency and/or boredom. But even then, how the hell can you not be interested in sex? It feels......really damn good, right? Right?

At any rate, I did a little research and I have a few ideas of my own. Please keep in mind as you read this that you're asking advice from a complete jackass who's every relationship has ended in flames. Here goes nothing.

1. Ignore him. This should piss the s*** out of him. After a few days of this he should be bending over backwards trying to get some attention out of you.

2. Go out with some friends. If he asks where you're headed just give him one of these: "Oh...out with (friend), (another friend), and (aquaintence). We'll be at (well known local meat market). Nothing big." The next day if he asks what you did be vague as hell. Maybe get a little mad. "What's with the third degree, McCarthy?"

3. Get in touch with an ex. Dangerous but effective. It helps if he swings by your place to give your husband a good look at what came ( no pun intended) before him and may have you going back to.

4. Try a new position. There's a book on this with pictures. You know which book I'm talking about 😉 Show it to him. Let his imagination go to town. Wait.............

5. Offer to do it in public. The idea you could get caught is a huuuuuuuge thrill. But only do this when your'e allready in public and make it sound urgent. "If we do this we gotta do it NOW! Before I lose my nerve!" The dressing rooms at Target, behind the bushes in the park, CHURCH! Or you could go The Digital Underground route, in a Burger King bathroom. All fine choices.

6. This is by far my worst idea but it may be worth a shot. In fact it's so bad, I won't go any further. Don't do what I was just thinking!!!!!!

If all else fails, you can PM Miss Val for a private session, who we both know would take great pleasure in making sure you get all the attention you want.

Good luck!

P.S. I'm sorry you married Stanley Roper.

 

[MayDay1]

So, if fuzzy wuzzy was a woman, why was she fuzzy?

Because Fuzzy Wuzzy wuzza bear. But since she had no hair, she wasn't fuzzy. Also, Fuzzy Wuzzy is a guy. Otherwise you couldn't rhyme "fuzzy" with "was he".

 

[nessonite1]

'fuzzy was she' still rhymes just as well as 'fuzzy was HE'

Ignore him. This should piss the s*** out of him

He'd probably enjoy the vacation frommy constant pestering and attempted molestations.

Go out with some friends.

*sob!* nessie hasn't got any friends!

Get in touch with an ex

Sadly Nessie also doesn't have any exes. Hubby was really my first serious relationship. Although I've got a friend (overseas damnit) who I flirt openly and shamelessly with and it doesn't bother him in the slightest.

Try a new position

This is a valid suggestion. I'll see what I can do with our rickety twin sized bed...

Offer to do it in public

I'd be happy to if we were ever inpublic without our 3 year old in tow. I'd have a hard time explaining to her why mommy and daddy need some alone time in the burger king bathroom stall. Though she would make a good lookout in case someone came in...

This is by far my worst idea but it may be worth a shot. In fact it's so bad, I won't go any further. Don't do what I was just thinking!!!!!!

I dont even want to know!!!

If all else fails, you can PM Miss Val for a private session, who we both know would take great pleasure in making sure you get all the attention you want.

*booking flight to Guam*

 

[alf1]

Don't tell me that this thread is already finished !! 😀

 

[Drago691]

I am eating bread. Why am I eating bread? I'm not hungry. I don't understand. But it's soooooooooooo bread-licious...

 

[MayDay1]

Don't tell me that this thread is already finished !! 😀

It ain't dead until it's forgotten.

Anybody else?

 

[MayDay1]

I am eating bread. Why am I eating bread? I'm not hungry. I don't understand. But it's soooooooooooo bread-licious...

Three theories spring to mind.

1. You're bored. Got nuthin' better to do? Eat some fuggin' bread! It occupies your time, it gives you a goal to accomplish (finish the bag and win a dirt bike!), and it's not like that bread appreciates in value over time. Give yourself some busy work with a big fat loaf of Wonder and watch the time fly.

2. You're depressed. Got shot down by the ladies again? Stuck in a dead end job? Your dog still piddlin' in your shoes? Turn to your trusty friend bread. Bread never judges you, never tells you you're a loser, never leaves you for the guy across the street. Bread will be there for you no matter if you bang your head on the doorway or Godzilla attacks your city. Good ol' reliable bread.

3. You're a bear and you're fattening up for winter.

 

[nessonite1]

Do all women agonize over every ounce they gain or lose or is it just me?

 

[MayDay1]

Do all women agonize over every ounce they gain or lose or is it just me?

Honey, IT AIN'T JUST YOU!

Most every woman I've known since the dawn of time has voiced their displeasure about their weight. It doesn't matter if they're only a couple pounds heavy or a friggin' stick, it's the same damn question: "Do I look fat to you?", which is some dangerous territory that stand up comedians have milked dry for laughs since Nixon was in office.

You look great! Can we go now? We're suppossed to meet the Johnsons at Red Lobster in ten minutes!

 

[nessonite1]

LOL...okay here's another so you don't feel ignored...

The infied fly rule...
Genetically women are programmed to be confused by this. If a batter hits a fly ball and an infield player catches it (or attempts to catch it with a good chance of doing so) the batter is out whether he actually catches it ornot. This enables runners on 1st and 2nd to stayon their bases without taking the chance of running and getting forced out. Right...?
'splain, Lucy! I think I'm THIS close to solving this ancient male mystery but it doesn't quite click for me.

 

[alf1]

Another question for MayDay the Magi 🙂 :

With what the sky is hanged above us ??? Tape/glue or what ??

 

[MayDay1]

LOL...okay here's another so you don't feel ignored...

The infied fly rule...
Genetically women are programmed to be confused by this. If a batter hits a fly ball and an infield player catches it (or attempts to catch it with a good chance of doing so) the batter is out whether he actually catches it ornot. This enables runners on 1st and 2nd to stayon their bases without taking the chance of running and getting forced out. Right...?
'splain, Lucy! I think I'm THIS close to solving this ancient male mystery but it doesn't quite click for me.

(doing my best Glenn Close impression) I WILL NOT BE IGNORED!

You got most of it. There also needs to be less than two outs. The reason the rule came into effect is because the defenders were cheating by letting the ball drop then getting the double play at 1st and 2nd before any of the runners could get up the speed to make it to their bases safely.

Who the funk is Lucy?

 

[MayDay1]

Another question for MayDay the Magi 🙂 :

With what the sky is hanged above us ??? Tape/glue or what ??

I'm a Magi now eh? There's something else I need to put on my resume.

The sky is held up with a very intricate series of popsicle sticks, twine, and Krazy Glue. The upkeep and maintenance is taken care of by a huge team of people stuck in limbo who are trying to earn brownie points so they can get into heaven.

 

[nessonite1]

That leads me to the next obvious question...
Exactly how DOES the browniepoint system work? How many are required for different rewards?

 

[MayDay1]

That leads me to the next obvious question...
Exactly how DOES the browniepoint system work? How many are required for different rewards?

Wellllllllllll....................

Brownie points are named after the color of one's nose who is awarded such a thing. There is no tangible way to gauge how many brownie points one has earned or how many are required to either be awarded with a fabulous prize or move up in the rankings. You just kind of know. Example time!

Let's pretend that I'm the owner, president, CEO, el hefe, #1, head honcho of MayDay Inc. (Ruining lives and laughing about it since 1976!) and Nessie, Aphrodite Rabbit, and Camel are all entry level employees. One day all three come into my office. AR tells me to eat a dick. Camel says my suit looks "super fly". Nessie offers to wash my Pinto with a toothbrush. Now Nessie has earned a mess of brownie points. Camel has earned a bit, but not as much as Ness. AR gets squat. The next day all three come into my office. AR tells me I'm fat and ugly and she put cat poop in my shoes. Camel brings me donuts and root beer. Ness kills Bob Segar with a salad shooter and brings me his head on a platter. At this point Ness has earned enough brownie points to become vice president of the company complete with her own primo parking spot, a key to the executive washroom, a hefty salary, and 20 employees at her beck and call. Camel gets moved up to general manager of "smacking fools upside the head" complete with a nice spike in salary and 5 employees to order around. AR scrubs toilets. Keep in mind all three didn't do a single second of real work at any point and you will see how brownie points operate.

 

[nessonite1]

ROFL!! Okay am I to assume that by making me the supreme winner of your analogy that you are to now be awarded with several hundred brownie points?
I'll go with that...but I'd avoid AR for a while if I were you!

Another related question...

When you're riding in a car and pass a cyclist or a mailbox or a jay walker and tell the driver "Hey, 5 points if you hit that" or "Lookm 20 points if you hit them both" if they were to actuallyhit them who would be in charge of keeping score and what score exatly are you trying to reach? Is there a prize?

 

[MayDay1]

ROFL!! Okay am I to assume that by making me the supreme winner of your analogy that you are to now be awarded with several hundred brownie points?
I'll go with that...but I'd avoid AR for a while if I were you!

Another related question...

When you're riding in a car and pass a cyclist or a mailbox or a jay walker and tell the driver "Hey, 5 points if you hit that" or "Lookm 20 points if you hit them both" if they were to actuallyhit them who would be in charge of keeping score and what score exatly are you trying to reach? Is there a prize?

Inquisitive little kitty, ain'tcha?

AR shouldn't take it personal. I spun the wheel, it landed on her.

I don't need brownie points! I'm the owner of the company, remember?

The police keep score and the prize is a lengthy prison sentance if they catch you. The score reflects the number of years you'll be up the river. That's why nuns are worth 50 and suburban princess gabbing on a cell is only worth two.