Carsomyr
Level of Ruby Feather
- Joined
- Jul 1, 2007
- Messages
- 23,980
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To whom it may concern, after promising that I wouldn't drink for the entire month of April I have now gone booze-less for 16 days. Surely, you understand the unspeakable horrors of my situation. Should something happen to me in this weakened state I wish to keep my journal digitalized, so all my TMF friends will know what happened to me.
Friends, should I die, at least take solace in the fact that I spent most of my living moments in a blissful haze of alcohol delirium.
Yours faithfully,
~Carsomyr
PS. I have attached a picture of the last time I was out drinking. Since the picture is black and white you can tell it was a very, very, very long time ago. Also, there is snow on the ground, and it's spring now. Please disregard the fact that it always snows in Sweden.
PPS. Don't I look badass in that hat? Too bad I can't remember where I put it...
Day 1
Today is April 1st, but no, this is no April Fool's joke. Oh how I wish it were!
Day 2
🙁
Day 3
This isn't good! One of the beer bottles in the fridge started talking to me today. It said: "Yeah, you'd LOVE giving MY neck a hickey, wouldn't you?!?"
I cried for three hours.
Day 4
Ok, everything is fine again! I just talked some more to the beer bottle in my fridge. He introduced himself as Mr. Carslberg and went on a rant about how great he was. I pointed out that he was just a beer bottle, to which he replied: "Yeah, well that still beats YOUR drunken ass!"
Mr. Carlsberg wasn't so tough anymore after I introduced him to Mr. Pavement.
Day 5
I miss alcohol. I stood out in the street cursing my fate all day. I only wore my bath robe, because I figured it would give my situation some dramatic effect - especially when I went down on my knees and screamed!
Day 6
The nice lady next door got new curtains today. They must be very special curtains, because she covers her window with them every time I walk outside. What a show-off!
Day 7
*Hastily scribbled notes. Completely unreadable except for the last sentence: "It's the Mormons, they've come to kill me!"*
...
Day 11
Sorry for not writing anything these last few days. I was kidnapped by Mole People and got beaten senseless, but then I realized I had just gone insane and imagined the whole ordeal. For some reason I got "Mormons" mixed up with "Mole People" when I wrote my last entry, but I checked Wikipedia and they're not the same thing. I put down a sign outside my door saying "NO JEHOVA'S!" just in case though.
...because that's what the Mormons knock doors to talk about, right? I mean sure, it's cool how they can predict your future and all, but I really don't approve of how they put curses on people!
Day 12
Scratch last entry. I am still insane.
Day 13
Weiiii... It's my birthday today, and do you know what really sucks? I CAN'T FUCKING PARTY!!! Anyways, I was at the university today for a seminar. I just noticed we have a Finnish person in my class! Those people sure know how to drink...
I was surprised though, because Finnish people can't be college graduates! It's sad how he doesn't accept his handicap and embraces his role as a Moomintroll.
For those of you who don't know: Moomintrolls are not very smart, and they hang out with really shady-looking people. Perhaps my Finnish friend should consider a career in politics instead.
Day 14
I could have been seriously hungover by now, but NO!
Day 15
If my birthday party had been as epic as last year, I would STILL be hungover!
Day 16
I digitalized all my Journal Entries today. After reading them through I saw that I had mistyped 15 different words as "appletini" without realizing it. Silly me!
I will also try to write some longer entries from now on. More to come!
Day 17
I've found a way to get drunk without alcohol! Yes! SERIOUSLY!!! You sit down in the computer chair and spin it around, fast! Do this repeatedly and you'll get real' sick too, just like you had one too many! Awesome, I spent all day doing this, until I lost coordination entirely; what happened was... I stepped out of the chair, and then I somehow managed to stumble into the wall face-first. My head hurts like a bitch now...
I hate imaginary hangovers.
Day 18
Ok, today I would like to address the FAKE entry which was put out there by a certain tricksy Canadian... (I have attached the fake entry below)
First of all, I have never been to jail (well, not voluntarily at least), and I would never, EVER rape a fire hydrant! It's all consensual with me, and so unless the fire hydrant gives me clear mating signals then I won't go there!
I would also like to remind you that Mr. Carlsberg is no longer with us, so there is no way I could have "licked his label" (dude, Snail Shell is such a perv!) without getting glass shards all over my tongue. So don't listen to that vile Canadian; he is just trying to discredit me as usual!
That is all. Thank you.
Day 19
Long day at the university today. Afterwards I figured I deserved a reward, so on the way home I stopped by the store to buy some precious, heavenly, and utterly delivious m&m's! (Obvious plug for our anti-skittle movement is obvious) Unfortunately, this meant a small detour, and I had to walk by the liquor store as well...
Outside were these douchy high school kids, there were three of them sharing ONE can of beer, and they were all acting like they were about to pass out or something. Is there a word for people like that? There should be, because it's fucking embarrassing... I didn't care about that in the moment though, because well, they had BEER! Apparently they had never seen a bearded man laugh manically and then starting to take strides towards them, because despite their supposed drunkedness they seemed rather upset. Ah well... Then I spotted the brand on their beer-can. It made me stop dead in my track... 'twas was the dreaded Carlsberg again!
Damn it! I thought I had killed the bastard! But before I lost my cool I decided to swiftly retreat back home. I'm fine now, but my body was still shaking when I reached for some soothing m&m goodness, so opening the bag proved more difficult than expected... I'm probably going to find random m&m's in my house for years now; those things sure know how to roll!
Day 20
Right, well, I have finally managed to collect my thoughts! That WAS Mr. Carlsberg I saw out on town yesterday, no doubt about it! I've spent the day on Wikipedia, and it looks like Mr. Carlsberg is part of a Danish conspiracy of some sort. I'm not sure of it's exact nature or purpose, but they are situated in Copenhagen. I couldn't care less about the Danish conspiracy at the moment, but I'm pretty sure that Carlsberg fellow is out to get me... Gotta be a personal vendetta or something!
Anyway, I know what needs to be done now. I need to stop this problem at it's root, or that asshole is just going to come back again and again! At first I thought of blowing up the Carlsberg brewery so he can't reincarnate, but my brilliant mastermind has just come up with an even better plan; I am going to Denmark to kidnap MRS Carlsberg!
I shall leave first thing in the morning. Until then I must start packing! As we all know, Danish people suffer from chronic shortness and speaking in tongues. I wonder if I'll have to bring oxygen tanks to avoid infection, or if it's enough with a simple gas mask. I considered one of those cloth thingies you cover your mouth with, but that sure as hell doesn't seem to have helped the Chinese...
Day 21
I now realize the scope of what I’ve gotten myself into. I will need help... Luckily, as I hitchhiked down to Copenhagen today I got picked up by a guy who calls himself Adam. He looks eerily familiar, but I can’t quite place him in a context… I told him about my quest, and apparently he knows all sorts of things about “the Carlsberg Group” as he calls them. He has hinted that this conspiracy goes deeper than I had thought, but he has agreed to help me search for the evasive Mrs Carlsberg.
Adam tells me that the Carlsberg Group is made up by evil corporate CEO’s, and if we cross their paths I must never, EVER look them in the eyes or they will feed on my innocent soul, turned frail and weak by the many social welfare programmes of my country. I must admit I’m a little scared now...
Above: Your average member of the Carlsberg Group, as described by my new friend Adam. I still can’t believe anyone who drinks would be that evil!
As I write this we are approaching the Danish border. I assume we’ll get checked in customs, so I shall end my entry for today. Let it be known, though, that I fear for my life. I don’t want to die in Denmark. Denmark fucking sucks! And I can’t believe I got into all of this just because I refused to drink alcohol for a month!
Somehow I’m sure this is all Sweed’s fault.
Day 22
We got past the Danish border unharmed! Foreigners aren't allowed in Denmark, but we looked as confusing and incomprehensible as we could to be taken for natives. You may think this seems rather prejudiced of us, but hey, it worked! Besides, the Danish situation has been on international news in the past, I know because I saw it on youtube.
Anyway, after reaching Copenhagen we immediately started our investigation outside the Carlsberg brewery. I was dressed in a clever disguise, but Adam unfortunately hadn't prepared a secondary outfit...
Above: Me and Adam outside the brewery's main gates. Yes, they have two frickin' ELEPHANT statues for decoration! Anyway, what we found will both shock and disgust you...
OH MY GOD! SWASTIKA! A swastika on the elephant! And that's not all!
The pieces are falling in place... As you can see in the first picture, there is a latin saying written on the top of the gates (because again, Danish is less comprehensible than Latin). "Laboremus pro patria" roughly translates as "let us work for the fatherland"... The Carlsberg group is clearly much more sinister than even Adam had thought! My friends, I have found myself right in the middle of a Danish Nazi Capitalist (and possibly Hindu) conspiracy! I will try to uncover even more, but... pray for me.
Day 23
Alright I admit, me and Adam are stuck. The police won’t let us near the Carlsberg gates anymore after we began stalking everyone who walked through them. Now we need to look for leads elsewhere, but we just don’t know where to start!
I mean, the swastikas are there for the naked eye to see, but I think we need some additional expertise to crack this case. We need a code-breaker who can see patterns and conspiracies even when there seemingly are none. A man so skilled that he seems to create proof out of nothing, if you will.
We must acquire the assistance of Glenn Beck!
Day 24
After quickly booking a flight (that Adam fellow sure has a lot of money) we crossed the American border today. Honestly, I don’t understand why people make such a big deal out of the US airport security… They just asked for our nationality, and after we had replied that we were “definitely not Canadian” they let us through.
We tried contacting Mr Beck through his job, and I was surprised to learn that Fox News has their headquarters located in New York City, right in the middle of all the latte-drinking, volvo-driving gays and liberals. I guess it is a defiant stance against the enemy? In any case, we eventually found Mr Beck in his room. He must've been upset over something, because the poor man was crying. We didn't have time for that though, but told him of our situation and showed him all our pictures for proof! He was just as horrified as we were, and gave us some interesting input.
Mr Beck tells us that the roundness of a Carlsberg bottleneck EXACTLY correlates in shape and size to those caste dots that people from India have on their foreheads. Hindu’s are definitely involved in this conspiracy, just like we had suspected! Furthermore, Mr Beck suggests that the “hind” in “hindu” means that they will probably be the first ones to try and HINDER our investigation; could the Hindu's actually be the masterminds behind all of this?
Mr. Beck did not have time to talk to us any longer, because he said that he had to "go back to practicing for TV", whatever that means... But we booked another meeting with him for tomorrow!
Day 25
Honestly, Snail Shell's attempts to slander me with those Carlsberg-references (see attachement below) almost makes me suspect he's part of the conspiracy, but I haven't got time to explore that lead just yet... You won't believe what happened today!
Me and Adam went back to Mr Becks' office. We brought a printed copy of my journal so he could read it through and see that we were legit. He got REALLY pissed though... After screaming "Get out of my office! Get out of my office you little pin-head!" over and over again and in an increasingly hysterical voice we got escorted out by security. Apparently Mr Beck was offended by my entry for Day 11. Turns out he's a mormon and found my comments much too ignorant for his taste.
Huh, I guess mormons and mole-people ARE the same thing after all!
Day 26
Oh God! Some guy named Burt Ward is chasing us! I don't know why, but he
Day 27
Sorry for the incomplete entry yesterday! Apparently there's a bounty on Adam's head, and this "Burt Ward" fellow was out to collect on it. Just as I wrote that entry, Adam had run into a convenience store and picked up a bottle of "Everclear". He turned it into a molotov cocktail, and well... Let's just say it wasn't just Mr Ward chasing us after that... I'm a bit disappointed with Adam; that was a real waste of alcohol!
I think Mr Ward survived, but he had to retreat due to the ensuing chaos. He dropped some sort of card though, that I had some time to look at before the police arrived. It said "Snail Shell Corporation"... Son of a bitch, I KNEW IT! If the Hindu's are in on this, just like we suspect, then maybe it's an Indo-Canadian plot? Canada and India are basically second-tier USA and China, so maybe they intend to take over?
But if the second-tier countries are taking over, that would mean... Crap, now I know why the Carlsberg-producing Danes are in on this! My beloved Sweden is in grave danger, we must seek to expose this plot as soon as possible!
Day 28
Ooooh, three more days and I can DRINK again! My friend Adam has disappeared, so I'm kinda lost now... I've been riding around on random busses all day long, trying to think while avoiding alcohol commercials and liquor stores...
But I finally pulled myself together. I may be on my own, I don't know why Adam deserted me, but I have to keep going! I just stepped off a buss, and this scantily clad lady came up to me and said something about a "cougar wanting some fun with me" or something. I didn't quite understand it, but I asked if she was selling animals or what the deal was, to which she replied: "Well sugar, I suppose I DO have a beaver to sell..."
Goddamn it! Obviously I'm in Canada...
Day 29
Goddamn it, I hate Canada! What is the first thing I see when I look around? A fucking Carlsberg logo! Oh and that Burt Ward guy harrassed me again today. I yelled and told him that Adam wasn't with me anymore. The guy was extremely disappointed, but asked if I wanted to help look for him.
I had a feeling that Adam went on without me, now that he realized the dangers of our mission. Therefore I decided that Mr Ward and myself could set aside our differences for now. We went back to the spot where I had seen the Carlsberg logo, it was a liquor store...
Walking inside was one of the most painful things I have ever done, knowing full well that I was not allowed to buy anything... In any case, the store's supply of Carlsberg bottles were all placed next to a door marked "employees only," so naturally we considered this a good lead. As we opened the door, however, we instantly ran into trouble... One of the store's employees were waiting for us!
"You couldn't leave well enough alone..." the man said. "Come, it is time you find out what this is all REALLY aboot!" The man lead us down a series of stairs, and informed us that we would meet the leader of the Carlsberg Group. We eventually reached a large room; Adam was there - tied up and kept prisoner! There was another man in the room, however, and he slowly turned towards us, revealing the face of the mastermind behind all this:
Beck… It was Fox News and the mole-people all along! They just tried to lead us off the track with all the swastika's and Hindu's!
Glenn Beck laughed at us like only a mole-man can, his sinister little Mormon whiskers sprouting in all directions, and those black, soulless eyes glaring at us... The image is still fresh in my mind, and sends shivers down my spine.
"Yeeeees!" he said. "Now you know! For so long, us Mole-People have been rejected by man. For so long, we have been kept from living on the surface! This changes soon, as we wil slowly keep infiltrating your society... The beer industry today; the world tomorrow!"
"Hang on," I said, "Mole-people can't live on the surface anyway; the sunlight causes your skin to melt!"
Beck pondered this for a while, his laughter having abruptly died down: "Good lord, man! You're right! Having Dick Cheney infiltrate the US government DID prove rather difficult because of that, so I wonder why we didn't realize it back then..."
"Besides, you'd have to deal with those Moomintrolls in Finland just like the rest of us" I said.
"And Montreal", Burt Ward added.
Mr Beck didn't quite know what to do next, so I kindly suggested that he and all the other Mole-people could just get trashed instead, and stop trying to take over the world. I mean... they DO have their own beer company! Beck agreed to this, and figured he might as well let us go. After untying Adam we were out of that place. Once again, alcohol had turned out to be the better option and saved the day!
But what of Burt Ward? Well... he insisted that Adam should come with him, and since beer bottles are much more difficult to turn into molotov cocktails, we had no choice. Adam gave me enough money to cover my expenses for getting back home, and then he walked off with his nemesis. As they disappeared in the distance, I couldn't help but feel that I would miss those little rascals!
Maybe our paths will cross again, but for now, I'm taking a detour to Quebec... I think I'll want to bring one of those French-Canadians with me home as a souvenir!
Day 30
Today is the last day of April, so I guess tomorrow it's back to binge drinking and chasing vorpal bunnies. I brought a pet Canadian with me from Quebec as well! I think he said his name was Maurice, but those silly Quebecians talk so funny! I'll just call him Mr Piddles.
It's been a pretty long flight home to Sweden, but it's good to finally be back! Lacking anything better to do during the journey, I told my new pet all about the adventures I had been through. I think Mr Piddles was really touched by all of it, because when I got to my sad departure with Adam and Burt Ward I think he whimpered and even shed a tear or two. Could be the leash was too tight on him, but I'd like to think otherwise!
It's been a fun journey, and I thank everyone who has read this. But I haven't got my booze yet, and when I do, I might just keep writing through a drunken haze - albeit definitely no longer with daily entries... Who knows what my next adventure will involve? Will the Carlsberg Group emerge and cause trouble once again? I don't know, but I have switched to drinking Spaten from now on. I hope the rest of you have learned your lesson too!
Friends, should I die, at least take solace in the fact that I spent most of my living moments in a blissful haze of alcohol delirium.
Yours faithfully,
~Carsomyr
PS. I have attached a picture of the last time I was out drinking. Since the picture is black and white you can tell it was a very, very, very long time ago. Also, there is snow on the ground, and it's spring now. Please disregard the fact that it always snows in Sweden.
PPS. Don't I look badass in that hat? Too bad I can't remember where I put it...
Carsomyr's Lost Journal
Day 1
Today is April 1st, but no, this is no April Fool's joke. Oh how I wish it were!
Day 2
🙁
Day 3
This isn't good! One of the beer bottles in the fridge started talking to me today. It said: "Yeah, you'd LOVE giving MY neck a hickey, wouldn't you?!?"
I cried for three hours.
Day 4
Ok, everything is fine again! I just talked some more to the beer bottle in my fridge. He introduced himself as Mr. Carslberg and went on a rant about how great he was. I pointed out that he was just a beer bottle, to which he replied: "Yeah, well that still beats YOUR drunken ass!"
Mr. Carlsberg wasn't so tough anymore after I introduced him to Mr. Pavement.
Day 5
I miss alcohol. I stood out in the street cursing my fate all day. I only wore my bath robe, because I figured it would give my situation some dramatic effect - especially when I went down on my knees and screamed!
Day 6
The nice lady next door got new curtains today. They must be very special curtains, because she covers her window with them every time I walk outside. What a show-off!
Day 7
*Hastily scribbled notes. Completely unreadable except for the last sentence: "It's the Mormons, they've come to kill me!"*
...
Day 11
Sorry for not writing anything these last few days. I was kidnapped by Mole People and got beaten senseless, but then I realized I had just gone insane and imagined the whole ordeal. For some reason I got "Mormons" mixed up with "Mole People" when I wrote my last entry, but I checked Wikipedia and they're not the same thing. I put down a sign outside my door saying "NO JEHOVA'S!" just in case though.
...because that's what the Mormons knock doors to talk about, right? I mean sure, it's cool how they can predict your future and all, but I really don't approve of how they put curses on people!
Day 12
Scratch last entry. I am still insane.
Day 13
Weiiii... It's my birthday today, and do you know what really sucks? I CAN'T FUCKING PARTY!!! Anyways, I was at the university today for a seminar. I just noticed we have a Finnish person in my class! Those people sure know how to drink...
I was surprised though, because Finnish people can't be college graduates! It's sad how he doesn't accept his handicap and embraces his role as a Moomintroll.
For those of you who don't know: Moomintrolls are not very smart, and they hang out with really shady-looking people. Perhaps my Finnish friend should consider a career in politics instead.
Day 14
I could have been seriously hungover by now, but NO!
Day 15
If my birthday party had been as epic as last year, I would STILL be hungover!
Day 16
I digitalized all my Journal Entries today. After reading them through I saw that I had mistyped 15 different words as "appletini" without realizing it. Silly me!
I will also try to write some longer entries from now on. More to come!
Day 17
I've found a way to get drunk without alcohol! Yes! SERIOUSLY!!! You sit down in the computer chair and spin it around, fast! Do this repeatedly and you'll get real' sick too, just like you had one too many! Awesome, I spent all day doing this, until I lost coordination entirely; what happened was... I stepped out of the chair, and then I somehow managed to stumble into the wall face-first. My head hurts like a bitch now...
I hate imaginary hangovers.
Day 18
Ok, today I would like to address the FAKE entry which was put out there by a certain tricksy Canadian... (I have attached the fake entry below)
First of all, I have never been to jail (well, not voluntarily at least), and I would never, EVER rape a fire hydrant! It's all consensual with me, and so unless the fire hydrant gives me clear mating signals then I won't go there!
I would also like to remind you that Mr. Carlsberg is no longer with us, so there is no way I could have "licked his label" (dude, Snail Shell is such a perv!) without getting glass shards all over my tongue. So don't listen to that vile Canadian; he is just trying to discredit me as usual!
That is all. Thank you.
Day 19
Long day at the university today. Afterwards I figured I deserved a reward, so on the way home I stopped by the store to buy some precious, heavenly, and utterly delivious m&m's! (Obvious plug for our anti-skittle movement is obvious) Unfortunately, this meant a small detour, and I had to walk by the liquor store as well...
Outside were these douchy high school kids, there were three of them sharing ONE can of beer, and they were all acting like they were about to pass out or something. Is there a word for people like that? There should be, because it's fucking embarrassing... I didn't care about that in the moment though, because well, they had BEER! Apparently they had never seen a bearded man laugh manically and then starting to take strides towards them, because despite their supposed drunkedness they seemed rather upset. Ah well... Then I spotted the brand on their beer-can. It made me stop dead in my track... 'twas was the dreaded Carlsberg again!
Damn it! I thought I had killed the bastard! But before I lost my cool I decided to swiftly retreat back home. I'm fine now, but my body was still shaking when I reached for some soothing m&m goodness, so opening the bag proved more difficult than expected... I'm probably going to find random m&m's in my house for years now; those things sure know how to roll!
Day 20
Right, well, I have finally managed to collect my thoughts! That WAS Mr. Carlsberg I saw out on town yesterday, no doubt about it! I've spent the day on Wikipedia, and it looks like Mr. Carlsberg is part of a Danish conspiracy of some sort. I'm not sure of it's exact nature or purpose, but they are situated in Copenhagen. I couldn't care less about the Danish conspiracy at the moment, but I'm pretty sure that Carlsberg fellow is out to get me... Gotta be a personal vendetta or something!
Anyway, I know what needs to be done now. I need to stop this problem at it's root, or that asshole is just going to come back again and again! At first I thought of blowing up the Carlsberg brewery so he can't reincarnate, but my brilliant mastermind has just come up with an even better plan; I am going to Denmark to kidnap MRS Carlsberg!
I shall leave first thing in the morning. Until then I must start packing! As we all know, Danish people suffer from chronic shortness and speaking in tongues. I wonder if I'll have to bring oxygen tanks to avoid infection, or if it's enough with a simple gas mask. I considered one of those cloth thingies you cover your mouth with, but that sure as hell doesn't seem to have helped the Chinese...
Day 21
I now realize the scope of what I’ve gotten myself into. I will need help... Luckily, as I hitchhiked down to Copenhagen today I got picked up by a guy who calls himself Adam. He looks eerily familiar, but I can’t quite place him in a context… I told him about my quest, and apparently he knows all sorts of things about “the Carlsberg Group” as he calls them. He has hinted that this conspiracy goes deeper than I had thought, but he has agreed to help me search for the evasive Mrs Carlsberg.
Adam tells me that the Carlsberg Group is made up by evil corporate CEO’s, and if we cross their paths I must never, EVER look them in the eyes or they will feed on my innocent soul, turned frail and weak by the many social welfare programmes of my country. I must admit I’m a little scared now...
Above: Your average member of the Carlsberg Group, as described by my new friend Adam. I still can’t believe anyone who drinks would be that evil!
As I write this we are approaching the Danish border. I assume we’ll get checked in customs, so I shall end my entry for today. Let it be known, though, that I fear for my life. I don’t want to die in Denmark. Denmark fucking sucks! And I can’t believe I got into all of this just because I refused to drink alcohol for a month!
Somehow I’m sure this is all Sweed’s fault.
Day 22
We got past the Danish border unharmed! Foreigners aren't allowed in Denmark, but we looked as confusing and incomprehensible as we could to be taken for natives. You may think this seems rather prejudiced of us, but hey, it worked! Besides, the Danish situation has been on international news in the past, I know because I saw it on youtube.
Anyway, after reaching Copenhagen we immediately started our investigation outside the Carlsberg brewery. I was dressed in a clever disguise, but Adam unfortunately hadn't prepared a secondary outfit...
Above: Me and Adam outside the brewery's main gates. Yes, they have two frickin' ELEPHANT statues for decoration! Anyway, what we found will both shock and disgust you...
OH MY GOD! SWASTIKA! A swastika on the elephant! And that's not all!
The pieces are falling in place... As you can see in the first picture, there is a latin saying written on the top of the gates (because again, Danish is less comprehensible than Latin). "Laboremus pro patria" roughly translates as "let us work for the fatherland"... The Carlsberg group is clearly much more sinister than even Adam had thought! My friends, I have found myself right in the middle of a Danish Nazi Capitalist (and possibly Hindu) conspiracy! I will try to uncover even more, but... pray for me.
Day 23
Alright I admit, me and Adam are stuck. The police won’t let us near the Carlsberg gates anymore after we began stalking everyone who walked through them. Now we need to look for leads elsewhere, but we just don’t know where to start!
I mean, the swastikas are there for the naked eye to see, but I think we need some additional expertise to crack this case. We need a code-breaker who can see patterns and conspiracies even when there seemingly are none. A man so skilled that he seems to create proof out of nothing, if you will.
We must acquire the assistance of Glenn Beck!
Day 24
After quickly booking a flight (that Adam fellow sure has a lot of money) we crossed the American border today. Honestly, I don’t understand why people make such a big deal out of the US airport security… They just asked for our nationality, and after we had replied that we were “definitely not Canadian” they let us through.
We tried contacting Mr Beck through his job, and I was surprised to learn that Fox News has their headquarters located in New York City, right in the middle of all the latte-drinking, volvo-driving gays and liberals. I guess it is a defiant stance against the enemy? In any case, we eventually found Mr Beck in his room. He must've been upset over something, because the poor man was crying. We didn't have time for that though, but told him of our situation and showed him all our pictures for proof! He was just as horrified as we were, and gave us some interesting input.
Mr Beck tells us that the roundness of a Carlsberg bottleneck EXACTLY correlates in shape and size to those caste dots that people from India have on their foreheads. Hindu’s are definitely involved in this conspiracy, just like we had suspected! Furthermore, Mr Beck suggests that the “hind” in “hindu” means that they will probably be the first ones to try and HINDER our investigation; could the Hindu's actually be the masterminds behind all of this?
Mr. Beck did not have time to talk to us any longer, because he said that he had to "go back to practicing for TV", whatever that means... But we booked another meeting with him for tomorrow!
Day 25
Honestly, Snail Shell's attempts to slander me with those Carlsberg-references (see attachement below) almost makes me suspect he's part of the conspiracy, but I haven't got time to explore that lead just yet... You won't believe what happened today!
Me and Adam went back to Mr Becks' office. We brought a printed copy of my journal so he could read it through and see that we were legit. He got REALLY pissed though... After screaming "Get out of my office! Get out of my office you little pin-head!" over and over again and in an increasingly hysterical voice we got escorted out by security. Apparently Mr Beck was offended by my entry for Day 11. Turns out he's a mormon and found my comments much too ignorant for his taste.
Huh, I guess mormons and mole-people ARE the same thing after all!
Day 26
Oh God! Some guy named Burt Ward is chasing us! I don't know why, but he
Day 27
Sorry for the incomplete entry yesterday! Apparently there's a bounty on Adam's head, and this "Burt Ward" fellow was out to collect on it. Just as I wrote that entry, Adam had run into a convenience store and picked up a bottle of "Everclear". He turned it into a molotov cocktail, and well... Let's just say it wasn't just Mr Ward chasing us after that... I'm a bit disappointed with Adam; that was a real waste of alcohol!
I think Mr Ward survived, but he had to retreat due to the ensuing chaos. He dropped some sort of card though, that I had some time to look at before the police arrived. It said "Snail Shell Corporation"... Son of a bitch, I KNEW IT! If the Hindu's are in on this, just like we suspect, then maybe it's an Indo-Canadian plot? Canada and India are basically second-tier USA and China, so maybe they intend to take over?
But if the second-tier countries are taking over, that would mean... Crap, now I know why the Carlsberg-producing Danes are in on this! My beloved Sweden is in grave danger, we must seek to expose this plot as soon as possible!
Day 28
Ooooh, three more days and I can DRINK again! My friend Adam has disappeared, so I'm kinda lost now... I've been riding around on random busses all day long, trying to think while avoiding alcohol commercials and liquor stores...
But I finally pulled myself together. I may be on my own, I don't know why Adam deserted me, but I have to keep going! I just stepped off a buss, and this scantily clad lady came up to me and said something about a "cougar wanting some fun with me" or something. I didn't quite understand it, but I asked if she was selling animals or what the deal was, to which she replied: "Well sugar, I suppose I DO have a beaver to sell..."
Goddamn it! Obviously I'm in Canada...
Day 29
Goddamn it, I hate Canada! What is the first thing I see when I look around? A fucking Carlsberg logo! Oh and that Burt Ward guy harrassed me again today. I yelled and told him that Adam wasn't with me anymore. The guy was extremely disappointed, but asked if I wanted to help look for him.
I had a feeling that Adam went on without me, now that he realized the dangers of our mission. Therefore I decided that Mr Ward and myself could set aside our differences for now. We went back to the spot where I had seen the Carlsberg logo, it was a liquor store...
Walking inside was one of the most painful things I have ever done, knowing full well that I was not allowed to buy anything... In any case, the store's supply of Carlsberg bottles were all placed next to a door marked "employees only," so naturally we considered this a good lead. As we opened the door, however, we instantly ran into trouble... One of the store's employees were waiting for us!
"You couldn't leave well enough alone..." the man said. "Come, it is time you find out what this is all REALLY aboot!" The man lead us down a series of stairs, and informed us that we would meet the leader of the Carlsberg Group. We eventually reached a large room; Adam was there - tied up and kept prisoner! There was another man in the room, however, and he slowly turned towards us, revealing the face of the mastermind behind all this:
Beck… It was Fox News and the mole-people all along! They just tried to lead us off the track with all the swastika's and Hindu's!
Glenn Beck laughed at us like only a mole-man can, his sinister little Mormon whiskers sprouting in all directions, and those black, soulless eyes glaring at us... The image is still fresh in my mind, and sends shivers down my spine.
"Yeeeees!" he said. "Now you know! For so long, us Mole-People have been rejected by man. For so long, we have been kept from living on the surface! This changes soon, as we wil slowly keep infiltrating your society... The beer industry today; the world tomorrow!"
"Hang on," I said, "Mole-people can't live on the surface anyway; the sunlight causes your skin to melt!"
Beck pondered this for a while, his laughter having abruptly died down: "Good lord, man! You're right! Having Dick Cheney infiltrate the US government DID prove rather difficult because of that, so I wonder why we didn't realize it back then..."
"Besides, you'd have to deal with those Moomintrolls in Finland just like the rest of us" I said.
"And Montreal", Burt Ward added.
Mr Beck didn't quite know what to do next, so I kindly suggested that he and all the other Mole-people could just get trashed instead, and stop trying to take over the world. I mean... they DO have their own beer company! Beck agreed to this, and figured he might as well let us go. After untying Adam we were out of that place. Once again, alcohol had turned out to be the better option and saved the day!
But what of Burt Ward? Well... he insisted that Adam should come with him, and since beer bottles are much more difficult to turn into molotov cocktails, we had no choice. Adam gave me enough money to cover my expenses for getting back home, and then he walked off with his nemesis. As they disappeared in the distance, I couldn't help but feel that I would miss those little rascals!
Maybe our paths will cross again, but for now, I'm taking a detour to Quebec... I think I'll want to bring one of those French-Canadians with me home as a souvenir!
Day 30
Today is the last day of April, so I guess tomorrow it's back to binge drinking and chasing vorpal bunnies. I brought a pet Canadian with me from Quebec as well! I think he said his name was Maurice, but those silly Quebecians talk so funny! I'll just call him Mr Piddles.
It's been a pretty long flight home to Sweden, but it's good to finally be back! Lacking anything better to do during the journey, I told my new pet all about the adventures I had been through. I think Mr Piddles was really touched by all of it, because when I got to my sad departure with Adam and Burt Ward I think he whimpered and even shed a tear or two. Could be the leash was too tight on him, but I'd like to think otherwise!
It's been a fun journey, and I thank everyone who has read this. But I haven't got my booze yet, and when I do, I might just keep writing through a drunken haze - albeit definitely no longer with daily entries... Who knows what my next adventure will involve? Will the Carlsberg Group emerge and cause trouble once again? I don't know, but I have switched to drinking Spaten from now on. I hope the rest of you have learned your lesson too!
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, Carso! 
I'm obviously gonna have to learn you some about religion when we meet in May. 
xD
xD If anyone here is a silly Swede, it's you! 
