Carsomyr's Lost Journal

[Snail Shell]

Forwarded to the TMF at Carsomyr's request:

DAY @%

Have been craving a beer for so long, my brain has stopped working at normal pace. I've been at this damn journal entry for 3.5 hours now and I only just realize that I forgot to let go of SHIFT when I typed '25'. There's been a ringing in my ears for the last 72 hours. I considered pulling a Van Gogh and losing them both with a hockey skate. I reconsidered after realizing that the ringing was an inner ear problem. Or maybe my phone. Either way, a have ordered a slightly used scalpel off of ebay for the procedure.

If there is any plus side to this past month, it came around midnight last night. There was a knock on my door. Imagine my surprise when I opened it to see my liver standing there with a box of chocolate and a small bouquet of flowers. He had heard that I'd quit drinking and wanted to know if we could be friends again. Having left me for dead years ago, citing that he would not stand for this kind of abuse, I let him in so we could talk. He claims he's staying, if only to try living together again.

Tomorrow, I'm buying a pet gila monster to eat the bastard. That'll teach him to walk out and leave me to filter my own blood. 😀

Bummed that Daniel Alfredsson has been eliminated from the Stanley Cup playoffs. Maybe this year, I'll send Santa a letter asking him to win, just once. Or at least to have the common sense to shave that ridiculous mustache. Not that I'm one to talk about facial hair.

More tomorrow. Th effort of writing sober has left me light-headed as a tall, frosty Carlsburg, fresh from the tap......

NO!

Must remain strong....

Must...

Remain.....

Strong.........

Honestly, watching Carsomyr's decent into madness (okay, okay. Further madness) has been a thrill. Will our earnest hero live to see an entire month of sobriety and emerge a champion? Or will his mind crack and decay like a dry and brittle twig in the stinking cesspool of Scottish moor?

Let's watch.

Snail Shell

 

[Carsomyr]

Day 25
Honestly, Snail Shell's attempts to slander me with those Carlsberg-references (see attachement below) almost makes me suspect he's part of the conspiracy, but I haven't got time to explore that lead just yet... You won't believe what happened today!

Me and Adam went back to Mr Becks' office. We brought a printed copy of my journal so he could read it through and see that we were legit. He got REALLY pissed though... After screaming "Get out of my office! Get out of my office you little pin-head!" over and over again and in an increasingly hysterical voice we got escorted out by security. Apparently Mr Beck was offended by my entry for Day 11. Turns out he's a mormon and found my comments much too ignorant for his taste.

Huh, I guess it turns out mormons and mole-people ARE the same thing after all!

Forwarded to the TMF at Carsomyr's request:

DAY @%

Have been craving a beer for so long, my brain has stopped working at normal pace. I've been at this damn journal entry for 3.5 hours now and I only just realize that I forgot to let go of SHIFT when I typed '25'. There's been a ringing in my ears for the last 72 hours. I considered pulling a Van Gogh and losing them both with a hockey skate. I reconsidered after realizing that the ringing was an inner ear problem. Or maybe my phone. Either way, a have ordered a slightly used scalpel off of ebay for the procedure.

If there is any plus side to this past month, it came around midnight last night. There was a knock on my door. Imagine my surprise when I opened it to see my liver standing there with a box of chocolate and a small bouquet of flowers. He had heard that I'd quit drinking and wanted to know if we could be friends again. Having left me for dead years ago, citing that he would not stand for this kind of abuse, I let him in so we could talk. He claims he's staying, if only to try living together again.

Tomorrow, I'm buying a pet gila monster to eat the bastard. That'll teach him to walk out and leave me to filter my own blood. 😀

Bummed that Daniel Alfredsson has been eliminated from the Stanley Cup playoffs. Maybe this year, I'll send Santa a letter asking him to win, just once. Or at least to have the common sense to shave that ridiculous mustache. Not that I'm one to talk about facial hair.

More tomorrow. Th effort of writing sober has left me light-headed as a tall, frosty Carlsburg, fresh from the tap......

NO!

Must remain strong....

Must...

Remain.....

Strong.........

 

[Snail Shell]

Day 25
Honestly, Snail Shell's attempts to slander me with those Carlsberg-references (see attachement below) almost makes me suspect he's part of the conspiracy

Be silent and go kill your recently-returning liver!



Snail Shell

 

[Carsomyr]

Day 26
Oh God! Some guy named Burt Ward is chasing us! I don't know why, but he


Day 27
Sorry for the incomplete entry yesterday! Apparently there's a bounty on Adam's head, and this "Burt Ward" fellow was out to collect on it. Just as I wrote that entry, Adam had run into a convenience store and picked up a bottle of "Everclear". He turned it into a molotov cocktail, and well... Let's just say it wasn't just Mr Ward chasing us after that... I'm a bit disappointed with Adam; that was a real waste of alcohol!

I think Mr Ward survived, but he had to retreat due to the ensuing chaos. He dropped some sort of card though, that I had some time to look at before the police arrived. It said "Snail Shell Corporation"... Son of a bitch, I KNEW IT! If the Hindu's are in on this, just like we suspect, then maybe it's an Indo-Canadian plot? Canada and India are basically second-tier USA and China, so maybe they intend to take over?

But if the second-tier countries are taking over, that would mean... Crap, now I know why the Carlsberg-producing Danes are in on this! My beloved Sweden is in grave danger, we must seek to expose this plot as soon as possible!

 

[Big_Dogg85]

Now, ah say now hold on one second compadre...

WE MOST DEFINITELY ARE NOT A SECOND-TIER CHINA!!! 😛

Second-tier States... divide the population by about 10 give or take and multiply the landmass by 2.5 and it would be close: economy's close to on-par. 😀 😀

Snail, explain yourself before Carso here turns into the Swedish Jack Bauer... a scary picture to even attempt to image.

 

[Carsomyr]

Snail, explain yourself before Carso here turns into the Swedish Jack Bauer... a scary picture to even attempt to image.

Bah, Jack Bauer WISHES he was as hardcore as me! 😈



Day 28
Ooooh, three more days and I can DRINK again! My friend Adam has disappeared, so I'm kinda lost now... I've been riding around on random busses all day long, trying to think while avoiding alcohol commercials and liquor stores...

But I finally pulled myself together. I may be on my own, I don't know why Adam deserted me, but I have to keep going! I just stepped off a buss, and this scantily clad lady came up to me and said something about a "cougar wanting some fun with me" or something. I didn't quite understand it, but I asked if she was selling animals or what the deal was, to which she replied: "Well sugar, I suppose I DO have a beaver to sell..."

Goddamn it! Obviously I'm in Canada...

 

[Carsomyr]

Day 29
Goddamn it, I hate Canada! What is the first thing I see when I look around? A fucking Carlsberg logo! Oh and that Burt Ward guy harrassed me again today. I yelled and told him that Adam wasn't with me anymore. The guy was extremely disappointed, but asked if I wanted to help look for him.

I had a feeling that Adam went on without me, now that he realized the dangers of our mission. Therefore I decided that Mr Ward and myself could set aside our differences for now. We went back to the spot where I had seen the Carlsberg logo, it was a liquor store...

Walking inside was one of the most painful things I have ever done, knowing full well that I was not allowed to buy anything... In any case, the store's supply of Carlsberg bottles were all placed next to a door marked "employees only," so naturally we considered this a good lead. As we opened the door, however, we instantly ran into trouble... One of the store's employees were waiting for us!

"You couldn't leave well enough alone..." the man said. "Come, it is time you find out what this is all REALLY aboot!" The man lead us down a series of stairs, and informed us that we would meet the leader of the Carlsberg Group. We eventually reached a large room; Adam was there - tied up and kept prisoner! There was another man in the room, however, and he slowly turned towards us, revealing the face of the mastermind behind all this:

Beck… It was Fox News and the mole-people all along! They just tried to lead us off the track with all the swastika's and Hindu's!

Glenn Beck laughed at us like only a mole-man can, his sinister little Mormon whiskers sprouting in all directions, and those black, soulless eyes glaring at us... The image is still fresh in my mind, and sends shivers down my spine.

"Yeeeees!" he said. "Now you know! For so long, us Mole-People have been rejected by man. For so long, we have been kept from living on the surface! This changes soon, as we wil slowly keep infiltrating your society... The beer industry today; the world tomorrow!"

"Hang on," I said, "Mole-people can't live on the surface anyway; the sunlight causes your skin to melt!"

Beck pondered this for a while, his laughter having abruptly died down: "Good lord, man! You're right! Having Dick Cheney infiltrate the US government DID prove rather difficult because of that, so I wonder why we didn't realize it back then..."

"Besides, you'd have to deal with those Moomintrolls in Finland just like the rest of us" I said.

"And Montreal", Burt Ward added.

Mr Beck didn't quite know what to do next, so I kindly suggested that he and all the other Mole-people could just get trashed instead, and stop trying to take over the world. I mean... they DO have their own beer company! Beck agreed to this, and figured he might as well let us go. After untying Adam we were out of that place. Once again, alcohol had turned out to be the better option and saved the day!

But what of Burt Ward? Well... he insisted that Adam should come with him, and since beer bottles are much more difficult to turn into molotov cocktails, we had no choice. Adam gave me enough money to cover my expenses for getting back home, and then he walked off with his nemesis. As they disappeared in the distance, I couldn't help but feel that I would miss those little rascals!

Maybe our paths will cross again, but for now, I'm taking a detour to Quebec... I think I'll want to bring one of those French-Canadians with me home as a souvenir!

 

[Carsomyr]

Day 30
Today is the last day of April, so I guess tomorrow it's back to binge drinking and chasing vorpal bunnies. I brought a pet Canadian with me from Quebec as well! I think he said his name was Maurice, but those silly Quebecians talk so funny! I'll just call him Mr Piddles.

It's been a pretty long flight home to Sweden, but it's good to finally be back! Lacking anything better to do during the journey, I told my new pet all about the adventures I had been through. I think Mr Piddles was really touched by all of it, because when I got to my sad departure with Adam and Burt Ward I think he whimpered and even shed a tear or two. Could be the leash was too tight on him, but I'd like to think otherwise!

It's been a fun journey, and I thank everyone who has read this. But I haven't got my booze yet, and when I do, I might just keep writing through a drunken haze - albeit definitely no longer with daily entries... Who knows what my next adventure will involve? Will the Carlsberg Group emerge and cause trouble once again? I don't know, but I have switched to drinking Spaten from now on. I hope the rest of you have learned your lesson too!

 

[ticklishangel52]

Wow Carsomyr, Dispite your hallucinations and temporary insanity, I am proud of you for going a whole month 🙂 I think all of us here are.

 

[Carsomyr]

Wow Carsomyr, Dispite your hallucinations and temporary insanity, I am proud of you for going a whole month 🙂 I think all of us here are.

Haha, thanks, but personally I don't think it's that big a deal. 🙂 It's not like I've had ACTUAL withdrawal symptoms! 😉 😛

 

[goddess_nemesis]

Haha, thanks, but personally I don't think it's that big a deal. 🙂 It's not like I've had ACTUAL withdrawal symptoms! 😉 😛

You didn't??? 🙁 Nao I iz sad.

 

[Carsomyr]

You didn't??? 🙁 Nao I iz sad.

I'm sorry if I ruined the story for you... 🙄