Clerks and Clerks II
Randal always gets the best lines!
On the back of his Mooby's work shirt "PORCH MONKEY 4 LIFE"
To Jason Lee (arrogant self made millionaire Lance Dowds) Before he was the Mad Ducats guy, he was just Pickle Fucker. See, freshman year, the seniors put us through what they called "initiations." They'd stuff us into lockers or throw us naked into the girl's locker room, but Lance here got the worst of it. The seniors pulled his pants down, shoved a pickle up his ass, and made him walk ten feet. If the pickle fell out before the ten-foot mark, he'd have to take a bite out of it, re-insert it, and walk again.
Porch monkey dialogue:
Randal Graves: What's the big deal, since when is it a crime to say porch monkey?
Becky: Oh, I don't know, since forever?
Randal Graves: Why?
Dante Hicks: Because porch monkey's a racial slur against black people!
Randal Graves: No it's not! Nigger is.
Dante Hicks: Randal!
Elias: Did Randal just call Mr. Dante a nigger?
Becky: Shut up, Elias!
Randal Graves: I didn't call Dante a nigger, I just said that nigger is a racial slur.
Randal Graves: Since when did porch monkey become a racial slur?
Dante Hicks: When ignorant racists started saying it a hundred years ago!
Randal Graves: Oh, bullshit! My grandmother used to call me a porch monkey all the time when I was a kid because I'd sit on the porch and stare at my neighbors!
Dante Hicks: Despite the fact that your grandmother used it as a term of endearment for you, it's still a racial slur! It'd be like your grandmother calling you a little kike!
Randal Graves: Oh, it is not. My grandmother had the utmost respect for the Jewish community. When I was a kid she told me to always treat the Jewish kids well, or they'd put the sheeny curse on me.
Dante Hicks: What the fuck, man?!
Randal Graves: What?
Dante Hicks: Sheeny's a racial slur, too!
Randal Graves: Oh, it is not.
Dante Hicks: Yes, it is!
Randal Graves: She never called any Jews 'sheeny', she just used to say sheeny curse a lot. It was cute!
Dante Hicks: It wasn't cute! It was racist!
Randal Graves: I disagree, man, she was just an old timer, that's the way people talked back then! It didn't mean they were racist... but my grandmother did refer to a broken beer bottle once as a nigger knife... you know, come to think of it, my grandmother was kind of a racist.
Dante Hicks: You think?!
Randal Graves: Well, I still don't think porch monkey should be considered a racial term. I've always used it to describe lazy people, not lazy black people! I think if we really tried, we could re-claim porch monkey, and save it.
Dante Hicks: It can't be saved, Randal! The sole purpose of its creation, the only reason it exists in the first place, it to disparage an entire race! And even if it could be saved, you can't save it because you're not black!
Randal Graves: Well listen to you! Telling me I can't do something because of the color of my skin! You're the racist! I'm taking it back, you watch!
[customers enter]
Randal Graves: Hey, what can I get for you, you little porch monkey?... Its cool, I'm taking it back.
Randal angry at Dante's lamentation of being at work:
Dante Hicks: You know what the real tragedy about all this is? I'm not even supposed to be here today!
Randal Graves: Oh, fuck you! Fuck you, pal! Jesus, there you go trying to pass the buck. I'm the source of all your misery. Who closed the store to play hockey? Who closed the store to go to a wake? Who tried to win back his ex girlfriend without even discussing how he felt with his present one? You wanna blame somebody? Blame yourself. "I'm not even supposed to be here today."
[throws stuff at Dante]
Randal Graves: You sound like an asshole! Jesus, nobody twisted your arm to be here. You're here of your own volition. You like to think the weight of the world rests on your shoulder. Like this place would fall apart if Dante wasn't here. Jesus, you overcompensate for having what's basically a monkey's job. You push fucking buttons. Anybody can just waltz in here and do our jobs. You-You're so obsessed with making it seem so much more epic, so much more important than it really is. Christ, you work in a convenience store, Dante! And badly, I might add! I work in a shitty video store, badly as well. You know, that guy Jay's got it right, man. He has no delusions about what he does. Us, we like to make ourselves seem so much more important than the people that come in here to buy a paper, or, god forbid, cigarettes. We look down on them as if we're so advanced. Well, if we're so fucking advanced, what are we doing working here?
Randal being really crude and wrong:
Dante Hicks: You ever notice how all the prices end in nine? Damn, that's eerie.
Randal Graves: [reading a magazine] Have you ever wondered how much the average jizz-mopper makes per hour?
Dante Hicks: What's a jizz-mopper?
Randal Graves: He's the guy that cleans up the nudie booth after each guy jerks off.
Dante Hicks: Nudie booth?
Randal Graves: Yeah, nudie booth. You've never been in a nudie booth?
Dante Hicks: I guess not.
Randal Graves: Oh, it's great. There's this glass between you and these chicks, and they put on a show for you for like 10 bucks.
Dante Hicks: What kinda show?
[Customer walks up to counter with a bottle of glass cleaner and a roll of paper towels]
Randal Graves: They do the weirdest, craziest shit you like to see chicks do. They insert things into any opening on their body - ANY opening.
Dante Hicks: Could we not talk about this right now?
Randal Graves: The jizz-mopper's job is to clean off the glass after each guy shoots a load. I don't know if you noticed, but cum leaves streaks if you don't clean it right away.
Offended Customer: I will never come to this place again!
Dante Hicks: I'm sorry?
Offended Customer: Using filthy language in front of the customers, you both should be fired!
Dante Hicks: I'm sorry, I guess we got carried away.
Offended Customer: I don't know if sorry could make up for it, you've highly offended me.
Randal Graves: Well if you thinks that's offensive, check this out!
[Shows him graphic picture from porn mag]
Randal Graves: I think you can see her kidneys!
Another highlight of Randal antagonizing a customer:
Indecisive Video Customer: They say so much, but they never tell you if it's any good... are either one of these any good?... Sir?
Randal Graves: What?
Indecisive Video Customer: Are either one of these any good?
Randal Graves: I don't watch movies.
Indecisive Video Customer: Well, have you heard anything about either one of them?
Randal Graves: I find it's best to stay out of other people's affairs.
Indecisive Video Customer: You mean you've haven't heard anybody say anything about either one of these?
Randal Graves: Nope.
Indecisive Video Customer: [Turns around, then shows Randal the same movies] Well, what about these two?
Randal Graves: Oh, they suck.
Indecisive Video Customer: These are the same two movies! You weren't paying any attention!
Randal Graves: No, I wasn't.
Indecisive Video Customer: I don't think your manager would appreciate...
Randal Graves: I don't appreciate your ruse, ma'am.
Indecisive Video Customer: I beg your pardon?
Randal Graves: Your ruse. Your cunning attempt to trick me.
Indecisive Video Customer: I was only pointing out that you weren't paying any attention to what I was saying!
Randal Graves: And I hope it feels good.
Indecisive Video Customer: You hope WHAT feels good?
Randal Graves: I hope it feels so good to be right. There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?
Indecisive Video Customer: Well, this is the last time I rent here.
Randal Graves: You'll be missed.
Indecisive Video Customer: Screw you!
[leaves]
Randal Graves: [runs to the door] Hey! You're not allowed to rent here anymore!
Jay: [who has been standing outside, and has no idea what's going on] Yeah!
Randal ordering some porn for RST Video:
[Randal is on the phone when a woman and little girl come to the counter]
'Happy-Scrappy' Mom: Excuse me, do you sell videos?
Randal Graves: Yeah, what're you looking for?
'Happy-Scrappy' Kid: Happy Scrappy Hero Pup.
Randal Graves: Okay, hang on, I'm on the phone with the distribution house now, lemme make sure we got it. What was it called again?
'Happy-Scrappy' Mom: Happy Scrappy Hero Pup.
'Happy-Scrappy' Kid: Happy Scrappy!
'Happy-Scrappy' Mom: She loves it.
Randal Graves: Obviously. Yeah, hello, this is RST Video, customer number 4352, I need to place an order. Okay, I need one each of the following tapes: "Whispers in the Wind", "To Each His Own", "Put It Where It Doesn't Belong", "My Pipes Need Cleaning", "All Tit-Fucking Volume 8", "I Need Your Cock", "Ass-Worshipping Rim-Jobbers", "My **** Needs Shafts", "Cum Clean", "Cum-Gargling Naked Sluts", "Cum Buns III", "Cumming in Socks", "Cum On Eileen", "Huge Black Cocks and Pearly White Cum", "Girls Who Crave Cock", "Girls Who Crave ****", "Men Alone II: the KY Connection", "Pink Pussy Lips", and, uh, oh yeah, "All Holes Filled with Hard Cock". Uh-huh... yeah... Oh, wait, and, what was that called again?
