Introducing a normie into our little hobby

[brotherted]

Two kind of approaches:
a.) Introduce them gradually
b.) All at once

With a few sort-of exceptions in my life, I'm all about the step-by-step introduction, for the simple reason that I believe there are a lot of normies who could potentially grow to like our little hobby, but who'd otherwise become rather freaked out or find it frighteningly pervy to be suddenly told about a "fetish." Maybe some of you deep into the FetLife community would say, "So, who cares about them, then?" But I think there are a lot of otherwise great potential significant others whose charms we'd never experience, if we sat them down for what to them might seem a big, scary fetish talk.

But I know others disagree with me and think anything besides an all-at-once "come clean" fetish reveal is tantamount to being a dishonest person.

What I have no idea about is what percentage of us fit into a.) vs. b.)?

 

[Jezebel Lee]

Story time: in August last year, I matched with my high school crush on a vanilla dating app and we ended up going on a couple of dates. I don’t usually date, but I knew I liked this person already so of course I was open to it. However, I also knew that I’d eventually have to tell him about my kink lifestyle because I don’t want to be in a situation where it’s some “dirty little secret” and either party is unsatisfied.

I decided the third date would be the most appropriate because “traditionally” it’s the point where people have sex, which I don’t necessarily agree with but I digress; discussing sexual compatibility at this point just seemed to make sense. I also feel like it’s best to get it out of the way sooner rather than later to avoid anyone’s time being wasted. If they think tickling is stupid or gross, it’s not such a great loss at this point to get rid of them.

I should also preface that there had been absolutely no vanilla tickling at all, and there still hasn’t been. If you tickle someone and/or let them tickle you before discussing it, and then they find out it’s a kink or a fetish, of course there’s a risk of them feeling violated. That’s why we should talk about it first; to mitigate that risk. I don’t want to creep this guy out, and I’m being especially careful because he doesn’t seem like a touchy feely person.

Anyway, I first started the conversation by explaining that there were a few things I need to disclose before committing to a relationship with someone. It was extremely difficult to come out, but I got there by stating that I’m involved with the BDSM community. He was (as I suspected) a complete virgin and 100% vanilla, so I kind of had to explain how it worked because he had the misconception that it’s all about having lots of sex. Throughout the conversation, I made sure to explain why it was relevant and why I felt the need to bring it up (i.e. it’s important to me in a relationship).

Once he somewhat understood the concept of kink, I eventually felt it was relevant to list a few examples. I started by listing the milder kinks I had that were more common and less daunting: spanking, rope bondage, electrical play. Then I disclosed that I was really into tickle torture, and that it sometimes makes people uncomfortable. Obviously he’d never heard of it, but at the same time, he wasn’t fazed at all. This was surprising as I’ve had a lot of adverse reactions in the general BDSM community. But I think framing it as “just another bedroom activity” kind of helped in this situation.

Anyway, enough of my anecdotes lol. The point is, you don’t need to go screaming from the rooftops “HEY EVERYONE I LIKE TICKLING” because obviously that’s fucking weird. But at the same time, there’s no need to sneak around; there are tasteful ways of bringing it up, and it should go smoothly with the right person.

 

[brotherted]

I also feel like it’s best to get it out of the way sooner rather than later to avoid anyone’s time being wasted. If they think tickling is stupid or gross, it’s not such a great loss at this point to get rid of them.

This is so interesting to me, because I've never seen it this way, and it's why I posed the question.

You see it as, "I might as well tell them all at once, so we don't waste time." Whereas I see it as, "I could scare someone excellent away with one deep, dark reveal -- a person who might otherwise actually like it if they were woo'ed, persuaded and appealingly seduced into it."

I don't see the other person being into it as a fixed binary yes or no, for which I simply need to get that yes/no answer asap... I see their being open to it as a continuum, that could depend on how artfully and skillfully it's presented and introduced.

 

[Jezebel Lee]

Whereas I see it as, "I could scare someone excellent away with one deep, dark reveal -- a person who might otherwise actually like it if they were woo'ed, persuaded and appealingly seduced into it."

Well, as I mentioned, it’s not really a “BAM I’m into tickling” all-of-a-sudden kind of situation. I prefer to see how they feel about the topic of kink in general first. If they say something like “eww all kinksters are sick freaks” then it’s time to abort, unless they’re open to discussion like my date was. If they are open to discussion, then it seems more likely they’d be woo’d into it as you said, especially if it’s recognised as a valid bedroom activity.

 

[brotherted]

Well, as I mentioned, it’s not really a “BAM I’m into tickling” all-of-a-sudden kind of situation.

I don't mean to imply that you'd blurt it out in an autistic way, just that our primary concerns appear to be different. Your primary concern is taking too long to reveal it, and wasting everyone's time. My primary concern is saying it too quickly, and weirding them out. I'd feel the same way about the word "kink," depending of course on the circumstances.

But maybe part of this could be that you may be deeper into kink that I am, as all of us on this board are in different places along this spectrum. In my mind, a significant other with whom I'd be happy could simply participate in some tie up and tickle games, and never actually think of us as doing BDSM or kink, per se. I've had girlfriends like that in the past, and the terms BDSM or kink were never addressed. Tying up and tickling just became part of a set of our bedroom practices without label, that I introduced slowly.

 

[Jezebel Lee]

It’s cool. I’m starting to think that maybe vanillas are more open to the concept of tickling than mainstream kinksters are.

 

[Masque]

I don't mean to imply that you'd blurt it out in an autistic way.

Come again?

 

[natscott6282]

Story time: in August last year, I matched with my high school crush on a vanilla dating app and we ended up going on a couple of dates. I don’t usually date, but I knew I liked this person already so of course I was open to it. However, I also knew that I’d eventually have to tell him about my kink lifestyle because I don’t want to be in a situation where it’s some “dirty little secret” and either party is unsatisfied.

I decided the third date would be the most appropriate because “traditionally” it’s the point where people have sex, which I don’t necessarily agree with but I digress; discussing sexual compatibility at this point just seemed to make sense. I also feel like it’s best to get it out of the way sooner rather than later to avoid anyone’s time being wasted. If they think tickling is stupid or gross, it’s not such a great loss at this point to get rid of them.

I should also preface that there had been absolutely no vanilla tickling at all, and there still hasn’t been. If you tickle someone and/or let them tickle you before discussing it, and then they find out it’s a kink or a fetish, of course there’s a risk of them feeling violated. That’s why we should talk about it first; to mitigate that risk. I don’t want to creep this guy out, and I’m being especially careful because he doesn’t seem like a touchy feely person.

Anyway, I first started the conversation by explaining that there were a few things I need to disclose before committing to a relationship with someone. It was extremely difficult to come out, but I got there by stating that I’m involved with the BDSM community. He was (as I suspected) a complete virgin and 100% vanilla, so I kind of had to explain how it worked because he had the misconception that it’s all about having lots of sex. Throughout the conversation, I made sure to explain why it was relevant and why I felt the need to bring it up (i.e. it’s important to me in a relationship).

Once he somewhat understood the concept of kink, I eventually felt it was relevant to list a few examples. I started by listing the milder kinks I had that were more common and less daunting: spanking, rope bondage, electrical play. Then I disclosed that I was really into tickle torture, and that it sometimes makes people uncomfortable. Obviously he’d never heard of it, but at the same time, he wasn’t fazed at all. This was surprising as I’ve had a lot of adverse reactions in the general BDSM community. But I think framing it as “just another bedroom activity” kind of helped in this situation.

Anyway, enough of my anecdotes lol. The point is, you don’t need to go screaming from the rooftops “HEY EVERYONE I LIKE TICKLING” because obviously that’s fucking weird. But at the same time, there’s no need to sneak around; there are tasteful ways of bringing it up, and it should go smoothly with the right person.

and what was the end result in the next few dates?

 

[Jezebel Lee]

and what was the end result in the next few dates?

I think I might have been friendzoned? I’m not sure, we still see each other occasionally but it feels more platonic than romantic. He’s not entirely comfortable with the fact I don’t enjoy sex, which is fair enough. I’d expect that a total virgin would want something more conventional for a first time.

 

[Comfort Eagle]

I've gone the "blurt it out" route, but the key is how you do it. In particular, how you phrase it. "Into" tickling hits people more normal than "tickle fetish", though it's made apparent that's what it is and not that old "Just some silly thing I do absolutely devoid of any sexual intentions whatsoever no sir not me just a silly little playful fella..." thing.

 

[Masque]

I’d expect that a total virgin would want something more conventional for a first time.

Just gonna preface that I'm not trying to make fun of anyone, we all have our preferences, but I'm a virgin who wouldn't mind someone wanting all the tickle stuff to start out so for some reason reading that made me laugh

 

[Jezebel Lee]

Just gonna preface that I'm not trying to make fun of anyone, we all have our preferences, but I'm a virgin who wouldn't mind someone wanting all the tickle stuff to start out so for some reason reading that made me laugh

LOL, I totally forgot to specify I was talking about 100% vanilla virgins, like the guy I’m kind of seeing. You’re into tickling, so it makes sense that you wouldn’t mind.

 

[Masque]

Fair point, like I said I just found it amusing.

 

[Masque]

I've also yet to date anyone at all, much less a seemingly vanilla person, so I've yet to have to deal with the stress of explaining this shit to a partner.

 

[brotherted]

I've gone the "blurt it out" route, but the key is how you do it. In particular, how you phrase it. "Into" tickling hits people more normal than "tickle fetish", though it's made apparent that's what it is and not that old "Just some silly thing I do absolutely devoid of any sexual intentions whatsoever no sir not me just a silly little playful fella..." thing.

I get this second distinction completely. From my vantage point, the women who like me in the first place seem to just intuitively understand that it's a sexual thing, without anyone ever having to say "fetish." My guess is that some percentage wouldn't care about that word... but some other percentage might be weirded by it... and either way, I don't see much upside in saying it.

 

[brotherted]

Come again?

Autistic: "Chiefly characterized by difficulties with social interaction and communication and by restricted or repetitive patterns of thought and behavior."

So when I write, "I don't mean to imply that you'd blurt it out in an autistic way," that means "I don't mean to imply that you'd blurt it out in a way that suggests difficulty with social interaction and communication." It's a legitimate, descriptive term to convey the exact idea I intended, used in the precise context in which it appears in the dictionary.

 

[lostphilosopher]

This was surprising as I’ve had a lot of adverse reactions in the general BDSM community.

Really? As you, and others have noted, I would've guessed people in the wider kink/fetish/BDSM community would be more accepting.

 

[Jezebel Lee]

Really? As you, and others have noted, I would've guessed people in the wider kink/fetish/BDSM community would be more accepting.

It depends on the person/group, but I’ve found that the more mature, more experienced kinksters will adhere to “your kink is not my kink but your kink is okay”, whereas it seems like Gen Z kinksters just want to call everything that isn’t rough sex or choking “cringe” and are more likely to harp on about how much they HAAAAATE being tickled and one time they kicked someone in the face and blah blah blah blah blah. The latter may be more common in smaller local scenes though. I haven’t been to any larger kink events in any of the big cities (yet).

 

[quinn65]

100% (b)

All of the ticklees in my videos were normies, and each was introduced all at once. I mean, we'd sort of have "the conversation" but not a long drawn out thing. No one became a fetishist or even necessarily tried it again off camera as far as I know (maybe some?), but we all had fun while it lasted.

-Q.

 

[Comfort Eagle]

100% (b)

All of the ticklees in my videos were normies, and each was introduced all at once. I mean, we'd sort of have "the conversation" but not a long drawn out thing. No one became a fetishist or even necessarily tried it again off camera as far as I know (maybe some?), but we all had fun while it lasted.

-Q.

Yeah this is a big part of it too. It'll be a lot, lot harder if you're trying to "convert" someone into being into this as a fetish outright than it will be to convince them simply to do it a for one reason or another. I can't think of any instance, ever, personally or secondhand, where a 100% oblivious to the kink normie was given a rundown and then actively "induced" into things. I'm sure it's happened, but it's not something anyone here should count on.

 

[soletease]

I really like this question! I think for me it depends on if the “normie” person is someone I want to have romance with, or just a possible play partner. In past relationships with girlfriends, it wasn’t much of a slow introduction. Two former girlfriends were both 100% vanilla and had never been tickled before meeting me. I remember one beautiful blonde girlfriend was excited to be tied down and tickled. We were still in a new relationship and she didn’t want to be naked or anything. She was totally up for being tied down though and was willing to try it.

I think it was date 4…. Maybe date 5… she was in a red tank top and lighter denim blue jeans. I was guilty of telling her what to wear but she did it, no problem. I do remember she was afraid of being barefoot and having her feet tickled because she was afraid it would be too much for her to handle. I convinced her before being strapped down that I would be “nice” but bare feet would be the best experience for her. She likes her armpits, sides, tummy and feet getting tickle attention… she admitted it!!!! So after that first time she was totally into receiving tickle torture a few times a week.

 

[jayson752003]

I think I might have been friendzoned? I’m not sure, we still see each other occasionally but it feels more platonic than romantic. He’s not entirely comfortable with the fact I don’t enjoy sex, which is fair enough. I’d expect that a total virgin would want something more conventional for a first time.

A total Virgin? How old is he?

 

[Jezebel Lee]

A total Virgin? How old is he?

25, going on 26. I’d say it’s pretty normal to still be a virgin, but it’s quite odd for him considering he’s been trying to lose his virginity but somehow never managed to.

 

[P[a]pi]

If I was dating I would be up front about everything I like to do in person. If they were cool with that (to some degree) then I'd share some about the "world" of tickling over time.

world = artwork, pics, clips, companies, websites, etc

 

[Hiphophooray]

I had no idea it was normal these days for kids to hold out til mid 20's.