My Beloved Mom.. January 19, 1938-April 4, 2012

[Mitchell]

Another thing..

As of Monday, my accountability starts. I told my dad that I was going to take a week to do nothing, and sit shiva, even though I hardly have been sitting shiva, with my trip to the casino yesterday. My mom would want me to go on with my life. That being said..

Although I hadnt spoken to my uncle in over 20 years, he hit my emotional state dead on when he said "You've just had the worst experience of your life. You need to take it slow, and do everything at your pace".

Originally, before my mom died, my dad told me that he didnt feel I needed more than 30 days from the time I returned from the funeral. I've been home since.. Monday.. the 9th. "30 days" on my dad's calendar, would mean I'd be moved out, and living in NY by Mother's Day. That wont be happening. I need him to come down here, and take things out for us to sell. He cant do it until the last weekend in April, because of tax season.

I've discussed with him that I feel 60 days after i'm finished with my rest week/unofficial shiva would be a realistic time frame. That is June 15, or just before Father's Day. Both he and my maternal aunt keep asking how I can live here amongst my mom's things, in a place I've lived in for thirteen years, with her being gone. They said if it were them, they would want out ASAP.

I have to be out by Father's Day, period, both because of Father's Day, that it would be long enough, and the fact that my assistant is taking a vacation that would put him out of town for a week, and leave me stuck.

As I usually do.. I'm going to take a "middle of the road" position, and see if I can be out by June 1st, which would be two weeks less than the longest possible time I could stay, but 2-3 weeks longer than my dad's timetable, and would allow me a bit more leisure to pack, sort, toss, sell, etc etc, given my emotional state.

My uncle also explained to me that his personality is more relaxed than my dad's, and that he knows my dad will want me to do everything yesterday. I know that I'm going up to NY on Mother's Day weekend. I wont be moved by then, and I cannot be here alone with no family around, on the first Mother's Day without my mom.

I know it will all fall into place, but right now I feel overwhelemed, and if this wasnt bad enough, i have to meet with my internist next Wednesday, and my lawyer next Tuesday. The internist is because I need to go, and the lawyer because I want to discuss business matters with him. Hopefully everything will turn out okay.

Mitch

 

[tickmankyle1]

please don't sing sad songs for me forget your grief and fears cause I'm in a perfect place away from pain and tears. I'm far away from hunger and hurt want and pride. I've have a place in heaven with the master at my side. My life on earth was very good as good as earthly lives can go, but paradise is so much more then anyone can know. My heart is filled with happiness and sweet rejoicing too. Too walk with god is perfect peace a joy for ever new. You are in my prayers.... Just something someone gave me when my best friend died my senior year hope it brings you peace and comfort like it did me. hugsssssss kyle

 

[Mitchell]

kyle, thank you for the thoughts. I'm very sorry about your best friend dying in your senior year. Thats awful.

Also.. I apologize if this thread has gotten slightly off topic, going from my mom's death, to my plans for life. The thing is.. both are kind of intertwined. If she hadnt died, I would have been making certain moves in life based on her situation. Now that she is gone.. my life will be based on moving back to NY ASAP, and a very new chapter, which has already began, by connecting/reconnecting with family members.

Anyhow, just wanted to clarify that.

Mitch

 

[tickmankyle1]

kyle, thank you for the thoughts. I'm very sorry about your best friend dying in your senior year. Thats awful.

Also.. I apologize if this thread has gotten slightly off topic, going from my mom's death, to my plans for life. The thing is.. both are kind of intertwined. If she hadnt died, I would have been making certain moves in life based on her situation. Now that she is gone.. my life will be based on moving back to NY ASAP, and a very new chapter, which has already began, by connecting/reconnecting with family members.

Anyhow, just wanted to clarify that.

Mitch

getting off topic is ok what ever you need to do it is ok in my books hugsssssss

 

[Mitchell]

Elizabeth, thank you for your condolences. I'm very sorry about you losing your parent. Yes, my mom's death is an extremely deep loss for me, especially because of our wonderful relationship, and the fact that my father and I didnt have a great relationship, and were estranged at times, until two months before her death. Things between me and him have improved. I've reconnected with relatives that I havent seen in over twenty years, and everyone has been super kind and supportive. Right now I'm still living in the apartment my mom and I shared, and it is difficult, and sometimes excruciating, to be here without her. I will be moving back to NY by June to be near family and friends, so that will help greatly.

Mitch

 

[Mitchell]

My dad and I finally agreed to what is a realistic timetable for my move..

If I was.. Bewitched.. and could snap my fingers, and clean up my apartment, I'd be out of here now. Originally, I think my dad had it in his mind for me to be out of here as fast as possible, considering my emotional state of living here alone amongst my mom's things. He told me his first thought had been mid May at latest.. but now he realizes that's not realistic. He floated the idea of my moving at the end of May or beginning of June. I think that's reasonable. As I mentioned before, I did no cleaning this week, sitting unoffical shiva, until today, when I cleaned the kitchen. Slowly, each day, I need to clean. Also.. I have to see my internist to get my BP checked on Wednesday, so I have to be careful about overexerting myself until then. I'm also not going to move into a permanent place when I move back to NY. My dad suggested that I should move into a temporary furnished place for.. three months.. while I secure employment/do my business, and look for a more permanent place. I'm going to agree to that idea. The big thing for me, as far as.. "shellshock" is going to be living in a mucb smaller place than I ever have in my life. Right now, I have 3 bedrooms, and 1350 Sq FT, even though I'm not rich. My parents and I always lived in big places, even before we were rich. My dad and Cheryl's apartment is almost as big as mine is. Its one of the largest NYC apts I've ever seen. My friend Barney, and his sister, have seperate apartments of about 600 sq ft each. I'm hopeful of getting one that size, if I can afford it, so the shellshock of living in a small place isnt as much.

I guess all this means that I'll be here for another six weeks. In that time, I have a lot to accomplish. Not to mention that my emotional state isnt good. The hysterical crying fits are rare now.. I'm just.. depressed. Hopefully getting out of this apartment, and Lancaster, will help lift my mood. It wont bring my mom back, and I'll still always miss her like crazy, but.,. going back to NY near family and friends will help.

Mitch

 

[Mitchell]

One other point.. on topic of my mom, and not on myself or my move. Sorry to have digressed with that, but they are intertwined.

About my mom.. my two aunts, flawed that they are, ;put it into perspective for me, when they both say.. "Your mother loved you more than life itself". While that gladdens my heart to know that I had a mother who loved me so dearly, it also cuts my heart out, to think that the mother who loved me so much, is gone.

My hysterical crying episodes now are few and far between. What is a problem for me, is sadness, depression, and the nights spent alone here, which are the worst. I dont know if moving will help. My uncle told me that he still mourns my grandparents, and they've both been gone for years. I truly believe that after a while, a long while, I will begin to accept it as a terrible reality. For right now, it is just too fresh, having happened only 11 days ago, for it still not to affect me greatly.

Mitch

 

[Mitchell]

I had to laugh last night...

I've posted on here how my dad, my mom , and I, used to all type in capital letters at each other when we were fighting, usually about money. Last night I told my dad how my friend Adam and his parents have offered to come here and help me pack my apartment. (A very generous offer on their part). My dad said something to me like "Mitch, when you get back to NY, a lot of people are going to welcome you". He's right. The family, and friends, have been nice. Then he typed at the end of his e-mail to me "REMEMBER, YOU'RE A GOOD PERSON" in all caps. It made me chuckle. Myriads explained to me a while ago that one word or one sentence in caps is emphasizing, whereas all caps in an e-mail is yelling.

Early June... After what I've been through with my mom the last two weeks, two months, and two plus years, I can last.. another six weeks. I told my dad last night that I'm partially to blame for my still being in Lancaster. I should have been packing in my mom's final weeks in the home, so I could have moved right after she died. He told me he didnt think so. My dad felt that I couldnt deal with the packing, moving, my mom's final illness, and passing, all at once.

I'm going to just have to suck it up. I'm not crying anymore. I'm just in a deep depression. I know that in the next six weeks I just have to busy myself with packing, and things to distract me, like on demand movies, and of course spending times with my friends who have given me such support, both online, and in real life. After that, I will be back near family and close friends, and my whole life is going to change, hopefully heaven willing for the better, after all the bad I've had, especially the last couple of years, with my mom's illness, and now her passing.

Mitch

 

[b0xr]

First I am seeing of this post. I'm so sorry for your loss Mitchell.

 

[Mitchell]

Thank you, boxr. I appreciate your thoughts.

Mitch

 

[Mitchell]

Two things as a symbol of how this is.

Yesterday, I was at our attorney's office, trying to tie up loose ends, and discussing a conference call that I'm having with him on Friday. As I was standing in his office, for a split second, I instinctly thought.. "Have to call mom to tell her". Then I stopped myself, knowing of course that she is gone.

My two aunts, with all their flaws, are grieving just as much as I am. The other day they put things into perspective for me, when they said "Mitchell, your mom loved you more than life itself".

I may have posted how, after my maternal grandmother died, my mom told me how it took her a year to come to terms with my grandmother's passing. My mom has only been gone two weeks. My father says he thinks I'm handling it well, and better than he thought. At times, I feel okay. I dont cry, and I'm feeling strong. At other times.. I look at things in the apartment, or think of something we did together, either with work, or personal, like a trip to the casino in Wilmington, and I just lose it. Nights are definitely the worst.

I know it will take time, but I'm one who believes that one never actually "Gets over" the loss of the closest person in the world to you. I know all the things of it being the natural order of life for a parent to go first, and that I'm 42, and not, thankfully, four. Yet, with how I'm feeling, I truly believe what will happen is that in time, it will become a somber acceptance that my mom is gone, rather than that I will "get over it". Part of it is the distinct difference in the relationships and personalities between my situation with my father, and my mom.

I'm not looking forward to Mother's Day. Unless someone gets sick, I will be in NY on Mother's Day. I never failed to spend a Mother's Day with my mom, as even when I was in college, I would come home to see her. I dont think I'm going to the cemetery, because the stone on her grave wont be up until next spring. I'm sure I will just feel very sad, and empty.

Mitch

 

[Mitchell]

My dad has been really supportive. I just lost it with him on the phone, crying. I told him about the incident where I almost dialed our home number from the attorney's office to talk to my mom. He told me that after my grandmother died, he used to pick up the phone to call her too, and then catch himself.

My dad thinks that if I can push myself to move from here sooner, it will be easier to at least put living in this place where I lived with my mom for 13 years behind me. I know hes right, but I have to motivate myself. He is coming down next weekend to help me. I hope, by the end of May, to be out, and living in NY.

Mitch

 

[Mitchell]

Another thing.. as an indication of how my brain isn't working right.

I'm normally excellent with remembering dates/appointments, etc. I THOUGHT I had an appointment with my internist at 10am yesterday morning. Well, I show up at the office, and the nurse told me the appointment is for NEXT Wednesday! Sigh! I dont know whether I misunderstood, or she miscommunicated. Whatever the case,. I have to try and watch myself between now and next week.

My dad is coming next Friday or Saturday to help me with the apartment. I have a lot of work to do before then, but I'm seriously fighting it, physically, and emotionally. He insists that he's coming to help, and not to judge me. While I appreciate that, I seriously need to move my ass. I think he really wants me out of here in May, as he feels that getting out sooner will help my frame of mind. I dont know how fast I can do it. I might have a better idea by next Sunday.

Mitch

 

[Babbles]

I was and am so very sorry to hear about this, Mitch, I'm sure she has peace, and I hope everything works out for you much better, soon, including hopefully gaining some peace of mind.
A change of environment will no doubt help

<a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com"><img src="http://dl8.glitter-graphics.net/pub/265/265048zo09z789lc.jpg" width=580 height=440 border=0></a>

 

[Mitchell]

Thank you for your condolences, Babbles. They are appreciated.

Mitch

 

[Mitchell]

Another problem I'm having. and I'm seriously hopeful this doesnt start the "Mitch lived with his mom until he was
42", saga, because what I'm about to post, is how I feel.

My mom and I weren't/arent rich. Yet, there are a ton of posessions in the apartment, that I have to figure out what to do with. As everyone knows, I'm an only child,. so I have no siblings to discuss, share with etc.

Part of the problem is.. I feel like a pirate. I know that children are supposed to do whatever with their parents posessions after their parents die, but, I didnt buy 99.9% of the things in this apartment. My mom, and my dad, did. Now, I'm stuck with figuring out what to do with all the posessions. The only two things I want.. are my chest in my bedroom, and the lawyer's deed box in my bedroom. I want to try and honor my mom's wishes, and keep the breakfront in the living room. Besides that..

My dad had been asking her to give him a tea cart theyve had for decades, for many years since they split. I still have it. If shes watching, she might be mad, but, if he says he wants it when he comes down, I;m going to give it to him. The way I figure, my mom and him paid for it, so.. he can have it. I wont give him multitudes of things.. but if there are a few things he wants, I think he's entitled to them,

My dad has told me many times that he thinks I'm handling this well. I'm not so sure. I have crying fits in my apartment, and I feel such a sticking pain in my heart/broken heart that there are times I feel like I cant stand it. To be clear, I have no thoughts of suicide. That would be stupid. My mom wants me to go on. I'm not that young, but I'm not old. I dont know if I want to get married, but I still feel like I have things to live for.

I know that what I'm feeling is probably normal. I dont think one gets over the death of the person they loved most in the world, especially in two weeks. My dad firmly believes that I will feel better when I get out of this apartment, and move back to NY near family and friends. He's probably right.

For right now, i just have to bide my time. Hopefully, within.. 45 days.. this will all be over, and I will be out of this apartment, and back in NY. Once that happens, things will.. even slowly, probably start to get better.,

Mitch

 

[ali32]

Hi Mitchell,

As someone who has lost a parent, I know something of the grief you are going through right now. I think you need to listen to your dad when he says he thinks you are handling it well. Having crying fits regularly doesn't mean you are not handling it well - in fact the opposite is more likely to indicate you are not handling it well. Everyone deals with these things a little differently, but you will likely cry for a long time, and that's absolutely fine. You can't put a time limit on grief, you just need to feel what you feel for as long as you feel it. When I experienced this kind of loss, someone told me that I would not get over it, but I would get used to it. That has proved to be so true (almost 20 years later).

I'm sorry for your loss,

ali32

 

[Mitchell]

Thanks for your support, and your insight, ali. I agree with what you said. I'm one who believes that someone doesnt "get over" the loss of the closest person in the world to them. I think what will happen is probably what you said. I may grieve for a long time, and then it will become a somber acceptance that she is gone, and I will then just have to cherish the wonderful memories I had with her.

Mitch

 

[Mitchell]

As an indication of how different my relationship is with my father than it was with my mom, several things happened in the last 24 hours to prove this.

As people who have read my posts know, I enjoy gambling. To be clear, I'm NOT an addictive gambler by any means. There are times I go.. a year... without going to a gambling venue.

I may have posted about going to a casino called Delaware Park in Wilmington, DE. I had gone there last week, right after I got back from my mom's funeral, and broke even, returning home with the money I went with after gambling for the day..

This week, I wanted to go back... However, I didnt want to tell my dad, for concern of hearing a lecture about irresponsibility with money. Yesterday, before I went, somehow, the conversation came up, and I came clean that I was going. He expressed anger, saying that I can tell him anything, and dont need to lie. It turns out that I went yesterday, and won $200, so I will be going again this Tuesday.

Then, the lack of communication.. My mom and I always communicated clearly about everything. We worked together, etc, and she trusted me to have her money jointly with me from the time I was little. We always communicated clearly about all financial matters.

With my dad, its different. My mom left me an insurance policy, for a bit of security. It's not.. a million dollars, but it will help.

I have money in my name now that I control.. but.. a few things are on my mind. One, I dont know how much my mom's funeral cost. My dad refused to discuss it with me. Then, for my protection, he told me he was going to put the insurance money in a company account in my name, to establish credit for me at his bank. Fine. Conceivably, I should have enough money in my own name to last me until I leave Lancaster,without my having to touch the insurance. To be sure, I asked my dad to send me $1000 from the insurance money to pay my rent in May. He didnt really give me an answer. So.. tonight.. he told me the check from the insurance came in. I gently said to him.. "Dad, please send me the $1000 for my rent.. or i'm not sure if I'll have enough money until I leave Lancaster". He got snippy with me, saying :"Its done, you dont have to ask me a hundred times". The fact is.. I asked him twice. Second, it is important.. because. A. Its my money, and B.. I'm concerned about being able to pay my rent next month. About two weeks ago, my dad told me that he wanted me to save the insurance money, and not dig into it. When I was in NY for my mom's funeral, he handed me some money, but again didnt specify whether it was a loan, a present, etc.

Hopefully, things will get better when I go back to NY, but I dont have the easy automatic relationship with him that I had with my mom.

This is a terrible process. There are days i'm fine, and other days I feel like I'm a basket case. I dont know if leaving Lancaster will help.

Anyhow, thats my vent. By no means am I ripping my dad. He's been good since my mom died, and i appreciate it. I know he has his own pressures with trying to sell his company, but sometimes I wish i could communicate with him better. I've talked to my uncle.. twice.. in 24 years, and I feel like I can communciate with him better than my dad.

Hopefully this will all get sorted out.

Mitch

 

[Leo tickles]

....

Okay. If you need money, have a trust/notreally kinda relationship with your dad who... who has your money... that you need.... fuck me.

The point is, don't go to the casino. You won 200... you'll lose that and more (probably) if you go back. Save money that you need.

 

[Mitchell]

Leo, while I see your point, whether I go to the casino or not wont really affect me financially. I'd never lose that much that it would affect me.. say.. eating.. or paying a bill. Its entertainment.

My plan with my dad is simple. I have to see him in the next week or two anyway, for him to come here and help me clean/pack, etc. I have enough money until then. I'm just going to ask him for the money again, and if he doesnt give it to me, call the insurance company, and find out what bank the check was deposited in. I have enough money to pay the rent, etc. It just pissed me off that he went through a whole song and dance, instead of just saying he'd send me the check. My aunt says this is what he does to have things his way.

I'm not worried about it. We';re not really fighting. His demeanor just got me a bit. I have a feeling it will all be okay.

Mitch

 

[Mitchell]

Another issue doesnt even have to do with me. My dad is pissed at something else, and I think just went off on me.

We were supposed to have a conference call with my lawyer today, to discuss a business idea, and things regarding my mom's affairs. I wanted my dad on the call, because he is a CPA, and i wanted his opinion. My lawyer, for the second time this week, blew me off. I had an appointment with him in office earlier this week, that he didnt show up to, because he was tied up in court, and then his secretary told us the same thing this time, about the conference call. I'm fairly certain my dad wants me to get rid of the lawyer, but I cant do that right now, until I make sure that all is settled with my mom's affairs.

Hopefully by, or on, Monday I should have a better idea with all of this.

Mitch

 

[GQguy]

Fathers are different with money than mothers are. I'm not sure if she worked or not, my mom did but it was my father's sole responsibility to ensure we were clothed and fed. As an adult I realized that alot of times I demonized my father while holding my mother on a pedastal when it was my father working his ass off to feed my ungrateful butt. If my dad had the same responsibilities as my mom we would have been best of friends. I'm independent now and the stressors n my dad of supporting a family are gone and I see a different man. I'm supporting one other person now and I see what my dad was thinking/went through.

My point is comparing your relationship with your mom vs your dad is like comparing fruits and vegetables. Don't do it. Mom nurtures, dad keeps you alive.

I'm glad to hear that you're getting out, but gambling maybe isn't the best thing at this time for you. My dad would have killed me if he knew I was gambling and didn't have a job, and I would kill my son if I knew he was gambling and not making his own wages. Go to a ball game instead.

In the end fathers are always weird about money. Mothers are not. Once you're independent you'll be your own boss and can gamble whenever you want, talk to dad on your own time table ect. But until then you're subject to his rules and opinions. Even more motivation to get independent. Until then chill out, try and understand where he's coming from and use his assistance to get yourself back on your feet.

side note/ How much are you paying your lawyer? I've been looking for one to file my patent and that is no cheap expense! Do you have a business plan put together yet? The more work you do on your own the less work your lawyer will give to their paralegal and bill you $200 an hour. That's why I haven't filed my patent yet.

GQ

 

[Mitchell]

My mom did work at times,. but was also stay at home. Remember, at the time they were married, they were rich, and he didnt really encourage her to work.

As for the casino.. I can still go, because I won money. i'm playing with their money. If I lose, then I'll not go again. As for the not working.. I am working on a business plan, and thats one reason I was upset at my lawyer for blowing us off. Hes known since before my mom died that I wanted to do this plan.

The lawyer I have is nowhere near you. Hes in PA, and i doubt he'd be of much help.

Mitch

 

[Mitchell]

GQ, one other point I should make.

About the casino... I dont know if I posted this before.. but.. my father wasnt upset at me that I went to the casino at all. On the contrary. At first, when I was going to go this past Thursday, and not tell him, he was most upset that I wasnt telling him the truth about going. His view is.. "I dont care if I dont like what you're doing. As father and son, we have to be honest. If not, what kind of relationship do we have?". Also, its not his money I'm spending at the casino, its my own.

All I really want now is him to send me money from the policy, which of course also is mine, to pay my rent next month. I'll manage if he doesnt, but it would be much easier if he does. Hopefully, he will.

Mitch