Vodka...not only does it get you drunk but it'll strip rust off your bumper!
Seriously...try a Smirnoff Twisted (I recommend watermelon flavor). It tastes just like soda. The alcohol content is the same as beer, so don't expect one to make you feel any different. But 5 of them does the trick for me (though it's pricey and, as with beer, you'll be going to the bathroom constantly).
Nasty tasting hard liquor has two purposes, and two purposes only.
1. to make super expensive mixed drinks you can drom $8 on at a bar
2. to get drunk without screwing around with beer (ie fermented pee water)