I don’t know if some of these have already been posted, but going through my jokes stash, these are some of my favourites…
Little Mary was never the best Student at Sunday School, usually she slept through class. One day, the teacher called on her whilst she was napping, “Tell me Mary, who created the universe?” When Mary didn’t answer, little Johnny, seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. “God Almighty!” shouted Mary. The teacher smiled and said “Very good” and Mary fell back asleep. A little while later, Mary was called on again “Who is our lord and saviour?” Once again, Johnny woke her from her slumber with a jab to the rear “Jesus Christ!” shouted Mary. The teacher said “Very good!” and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her 23rd child?” Again Johnny jabbed her with the pin, this time, Mary jumped up and shouted “If you stick that thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!” The teacher fainted,
A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and by a freak accident have a head-on-head collision, with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him. After they crawl out of their cars, the Rabbi sees the Priest’s collar and says “so you’re a Priest. I’m a Rabbi. Just look at our cars, there is nothing left, yet we are here unhurt. This must be a sign from God!” Pointing to the sky, he continues “God must have meant for us to meet and share our lives through peace and friendship for the rest of our days on Earth.” The Priest replies “I agree with you completely. This surely must be a sign from God!” The Rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims “And look at this! Here is another miracle! My car is demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break. Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune!” The Priest nods in agreement, so the rabbi hands the bottle to the Priest, who drinks half, then hands it back. The Rabbi immediately puts the cap on then hands it back to the Priest. The Priest, baffled, asks “Aren’t you having any Rabbi?” The Rabbi replies “Nah… I think I’ll wait for the police to arrive.”
There was once this couple from Minneapolis, who decided to go to Miami beach for a few days to thaw out during one particularly cold winter. The airlines have crazy frequent flyer rules and the wife ended up on the flight the day after her husband, The husband made it down to Florida and arrived at the hotel. Upon getting to his room, he decided to open his laptop and send his wife back in Minneapolis an email, unfortunately, he didn’t notice he’d spelt the email address slightly wrong. In South Carolina, a widow had just returned from the funeral of her husband, a Methodist pastor of many years who’d been called to glory a few days earlier. She decided to check her email because she was expecting to hear from relatives and friends, and upon reading the first email, let out a scream and fainted. The woman’s son rushed into the room, and found his mother on the floor, he glanced at the screen and found the following message: “To my loving wife, I’ve just been checked in, everything has been prepared for your arrival here tomorrow. I’m looking forward to seeing you then, your devoted husband. P.S Sure is hot down here.
A husband was trying to prove to his wife that women talk more than men. He showed her a study that indicated that men use about 10,000 words per day, whilst women use 20,000.
His wife thought about this for a while then she told her husband that women use twice as many words because they have to repeat everything they say.
Her husband looked stunned and replied with, “What?”
What's the difference between Ignorance and Indifference?
I don't know, and I don't care.
Did you hear about the blind circumcisionist?
He got the sack.
