Official TT Jokes Thread - Read and Post your Jokes Here!

[Low_Roads]

A guy walks into a doctor's office and says, "Ddddoc, I've bbbeen sssttttuttering ffor yyears and III'm tired of it. Ccccan yyyou hehehelp mmme???"

The doctor examines him and says, "Well, I'm pretty sure I see the problem. It's your penis. It's about about 18 inches long, and all that downward pressure is putting a strain on your vocal chords."

The guy asks, "Wwwhat ccan wwe ddo about it?"

The doc replies, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one. That, I guarantee, will cure your stuttering."

The guy says, "Dddo it!"

Well, the guy has the operation and about four weeks later he returns to the doctor's office.

"Thanks Doc. The operation was a success and I don't stutter anymore. But now I have a different problem. I've only had sex once in the past month. My wife doesn't enjoy it. I just can't satisfy her anymore. She really liked my original penis. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put the long one back!"

The doc replies, "Nnnno wwwway. A ddddeal's a ddddeal!"

 

[Low_Roads]

Frank was excited about his brand new rifle and decided to try it out on a bear hunt. Once in the woods, he spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Immediately there was a tap on his shoulder; he turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said, "That's my cousin you just killed and now you've got two choices: either I maul you to death or we have sex."

Frank considered briefly and decided he better accept the latter proposal. Even though he felt sore for weeks, he eventually recovered and swore vengeance. He headed into the woods once again, where he found the black bear and shot it. Right afterward, he felt a tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear was right behind him.

The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That black bear was my cousin and now you've got two choices: either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."

Again, Frank thought he better cooperate.

Although he survived, it took several months before he was able to walk straight. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shoot it. He felt a wave of sweet satisfaction, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a gigantic polar bear towering over him.

The polar bear stared down at him with a jaundiced smirk and said, "Admit it Frank; you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

 

[Low_Roads]

A guy walked into a saloon with a pet alligator at his side. He hefted the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished crowd.

"I'll make you a deal," he said. "I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. After that, the gator will close his mouth for one full minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my pecker completely unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The patrons murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his pants, and placed his privates into the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his jaws as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed up a beer bottle and rapped the alligator smartly on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals, unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of the man's free drinks arrived. He stood up again and made a further offer:

"I'll pay $100 to anyone who's willing to try it themselves."

A hush fell over the crowd. Presently, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up:

"Okay, I'll try. But you have to promise not to hit me on the head with that bottle."

 

[Low_Roads]

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his master list and says, "Aha, I see you're an engineer… you've come to the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is admitted. Pretty soon, he gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell and, as is common with engineers, starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls up Satan on the phone and asks, "So how's it going down there in hell?"



Satan replies, "Hey, things couldn't be better! We've got air conditioning now, and flush toilets and working escalators, and there's no telling what the engineer will come up with next!"

God is startled.

"You've got an engineer? That was a mistake... he should never have been sent down there. Send him back up immediately."

Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff and I'm keeping him."

God really starts to get steamed.

"You send him back up here at once or I'll sue!"

Satan just snickers and replies, "Oh yeah? Where are you going to get a lawyer?"

 

[Low_Roads]

A sailor and a priest were playing a round of golf.

The sailor took his first shot, which veered into the rough, and said, "Fuck, I missed!"

Surprised, the priest replied, "My son, don't use language like that or God will punish you."

The sailor tried a second time. Again the ball skirted the fairway and under his breath he grumbled, "I fucking missed again!"

The priest stated, "Please don't use such language! God will surely punish you!"

The sailor lined up his third shot, but with the same result. And once again he couldn't help muttering, "Oh fuck!"

The priest said, "Thats it! God will certainly punish you now."

All at once, a bolt of lightning came barreling down to earth, striking the priest and killing him on the spot.

From out of the clouds, a deep, rumbling voice sounded.

"FUCK! I MISSED!"

 

[Low_Roads]

A man on a transcontinental flight is surprised to see a parrot perched on the seat next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee, whereupon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky, you cow!"

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot but forgets the coffee.

"Miss," the man says, "that coffee, please."

The parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky, you idiot!"

Upset and shaking, the girl comes back with a new whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach.

"Damn it! I've asked you twice for a coffee! Now go the hell back there and get it, you jackass!".

The next moment, both he and the parrot are wrenched from their seats by two burly stewards and thrown out of the emergency exit.

Plunging downwards, the parrot turns to the man and says, "For someone who can't fly, you sure complain a lot!"

 

[paracarl44]

Revised Fairy Tale.

Jack and Jill went up the hill,

to have a little fun.

Stupid Jill forgot her pill,

and now they have a son.

 

[Low_Roads]

A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door that says, "COMPUTER NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He saunters in and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says that he smells kind of nerdy. He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says, "Okay. Truck drivers aren't nerds."

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.

The bartender replies, "Don't worry. The computer nerds are in season because they are overpopulating Silicon Valley. You don't even need a license."

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers - computer geeks. Each of them is wearing the nerdiest clothes he's ever seen.

He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver says, "What's wrong? I thought computer nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," says the patrolman, "But you aren't allowed to bait 'em!"

 

[Low_Roads]

One afternoon, a wealthy man was tootling about the country in his limousine when he happened to notice two men eating grass at the side of the road. He ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked.

"We haven't any money for food," one of the poor men said.

"Then come along with me!" the millionaire exclaimed.

"But sir, I have a wife with two children."

"Bring them along! And you," he said to the other man, "You come with us too!"

"But sir, I have a wife with six children."

"Bring them all!"

So all of them clambered into the back of the limo. One of the poor fellows couldn't restrain his gratitude:

"Sir, you are too kind! Thank you so much for taking us along with you!"

To which the rich man replied:

"No, thank you! My gardner's been ill and the grass around my mansion is three feet high!"

 

[Low_Roads]

A man had a nagging secret he couldn't stand to keep any longer. In the confessional he admitted to the priest that for years he'd been stealing supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.

"What did you take?" the priest inquired.

"Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. Plus houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake."

"This is very serious," said the priest. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?"

"No, Father, I haven't. But if you can get the plans, I can get the wood."

 

[Low_Roads]

A worm is crawling through the jungle when he hears riotous laughter coming from the trees above him. Looking up, he sees a beetle dragging on a humungous joint.

"Come on up, dude!" says the beetle. "This shit is absolutely the best I've ever had in my life!"

Soon, both of them are perched on the tree limb puffing away and having a great time. But the sun starts to dry out the worm, who feels the need to crawl down to the river and quench his thirst. Still loopy from the marijuana fumes, he loses his balance, plunges into the water and begins to drown. A giant anaconda lurking at the bottom sees his situation and nudges him back to dry land.

"Just what the hell is your problem?" says the snake.

"You saved my life, man! Go see the beetle; he's got some killer weed you won't believe!"

So the anaconda slithers down the path to the tree and stares up expectantly at the beetle.

"Dude!" stammers the beetle as his bleary eyes focus. "How damn much water did you drink?!"

 

[Low_Roads]

An exchange student from a remote, primitive jungle land found himself in the US attempting to adjust to urban life. He went for a walk to familiarize himself with his surroundings and happened to pass though a train station. Of course, having never seen a train or railroad tracks before, he didn't understand the danger when he heard a whistle coming from behind. The poor fellow was smacked into a ditch, and although he wasn't killed, he spent weeks in the hospital with painful injuries. 



Once he was released, he got an invitation to attend a party. The gathering went well enough, but while the young man was in the kitchen, he suddenly heard the tea-kettle whistling. He grabbed up a nearby baseball bat and proceeded to pound the kettle into a lump of shapeless metal.

Hearing the ruckus, his host rushed into the kitchen and cried "You just ruined a perfectly good tea-kettle! Why on earth did you do that?" 



The student replied, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small!"

 

[Low_Roads]

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright - but after a few months he gets lonely... 



The pig starts to look more and more attractive - soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance toward the pig, the Doberman snarls and snaps at him. Needless to say, it becomes quite frustrating. 



One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out and finds it to be a dinghy cast adrift. At the bottom of the boat is a beautiful unconscious woman. He drags the boat to shore, brings the woman into his hut and slowly nurses her back to health.

Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you… anything at all. Just name it."



The guy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"

 

[Low_Roads]

A little boy is at his grandparents' house playing with a worm in the front yard.

Grandpa jokingly tells him, "I'll give him ten dollars if you can stick that worm back into the worm hole."

After a few fruitless attempts, the boy gets a bright idea and retrieves a can of hair spray from the house. He gives the worm a good solid shellacking, and after the critter becomes stiff he's able to poke it back down into the hole.

A few days later the boy is back at his grandparent's house when grandpa wheels out a shiny new bike along with ten dollars. 


"But grandpa," the boys says, "You only promised me the money."

"I know," replies his grandpa. "The bike is from your grandmother."

 

[Low_Roads]

A man walks into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.



The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.



The man replies, "Come on! A dog?"



The owner says, "How about a cat, then?" 



The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!" 



The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"



The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede."

So he takes his new pet home and tells him, "Clean the kitchen." 



Thirty minutes later, the man walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away. The counter-tops are cleaned, the appliances sparkling, the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed. 



He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."



Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed, the furniture polished, the pillows on the sofa plumped, the plants watered. 



The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! This pet really can do everything!" 



Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner store and get me a newspaper." 



The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later... no centipede. 

20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later... no centipede.



The man is becoming concerned. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is that centipede? 



So he goes to the front door, opens it... and there's the centipede sitting on the step. 



The man snaps, "Hey! I sent you to the store to get me a newspaper. What's taking so damn long?"



"I'm going! I'm going!" replies the centipede. "Just let me get my shoes on!"

 

[Low_Roads]

A blonde, eager to earn extra cash, decided to hire herself out as a handyman and began canvassing a wealthy neighborhood for work. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs that she could do.

"Well, my porch needs painting. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and rollers she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife overheard the conversation and said to her husband, "Only fifty dollars? Doesn't she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She ought to. She was standing right on it."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her fee.

"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"By the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch. It's a Ferrari."

 

[Low_Roads]

In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear encounters, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is warning hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take special precautions and to stay alert for bears while in the wild. They advise outdoorsmen to wear little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. They also recommend carrying pepper spray as a precaution. It is likewise a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung: black bear dung is smaller and contains plenty of berries and squirrel fur; grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like pepper.

 

[general zod1]

A baby seal walks into a club.

 

[Low_Roads]

A man brought his pet duck to the local vet, concerned that it wouldn't eat.



The vet explained that as ducks age, their upper bill grows down over their lower bill, making it difficult for them to pick up food. 



"You'll need to gently file down the upper bill so that it's even with the lower bill. But you must be careful… the duck's nostrils are located in the upper bill, and if you file down too far, the duck will drown when it takes a drink of water."



The man went about his business and about a week later ran into the vet once again. 



"Well, how's that duck of yours?" the vet inquired.



"He's dead." declared the man. 



"I told you not to file his upper bill down too far! He took a drink of water and drowned didn't he?"



"No." lamented the heartbroken man. "I think he was dead before I took him out of the vise."

 

[Low_Roads]

Bubba, Earl and Jeb, liquored up and stumbling home late one night, find themselves on a lonely road that runs past a secluded old cemetery. 



Bubba stares blearily down and observes, "Why lookie here, boys! It's a grave fer a gent named Jones! Come here from Alabama, he done. God bless'm, the ol' coot lived ta be 97 years old!" 



"T'ain't nothing'", chimes in Earl. "That stone o'er yonder… made fer a man called Smith, from Mississippi. Says he was 101 when he died." 



Standing near the edge of the grounds, Jeb yells out, "This here feller was 210!" 



"Dun't hardly seem possible!" declares Bubba. "What in tarnation was his name?"



"'Miles, from Georgia'."

 

[Low_Roads]

A foursome was on the 18th hole when the one of the golfers hooked his drive into a cow pasture. He told his friends to play through and he would meet them at the clubhouse. They went on ahead and waited for their friend.

After a considerable time, he appeared... disheveled, badly beaten and bleeding. They all wanted to know what happened.

He explained how he'd gone over to the pasture but couldn't locate his ball. It was then that he noticed a cow wiggling her hindquarters in evident pain. He lifted her tail to find a golf ball firmly embedded. It was a yellow ball, however, so he knew it wasn't his.

A lady duffer entered from the brush, apparently searching for her lost ball. The helpful man lifted the cow's tail and asked, "Does this look like yours?"

That was the last thing he could remember.

 

[Low_Roads]

A father buys a brand new lie-detecting robot. He decides to test it out on his son after supper.



"Where were you last night?"



"I was at the library," his son replies.



The robot slaps the son.



"Okay! Okay! I was at a friend's house!"



"Doing what?" demands the father.

"Watching a movie... Toy Story."



The robot slaps the son again.

"Okay! We were watching porn!"



"What?" Dad yells. "When I was your age I didn't know what porn was!"



The robot slaps the father.



The mother laughs and says, "Well! He certainly is your son!"



The robot slaps the mother.

 

[Low_Roads]

I met a nice-looking girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us. She did this cute little dance, then immediately dropped to her knees and lay on the grass at my feet.


As we lay making love, I thought, "Damn! These Taser guns are really 
worth the money!”

 

[Relent<]

What's the difference between a circus and a strip club?
A circus as Cunning Stunts.

 

[xodlirv1]

What's the difference between Carmen Electra and West Virginia?



Most men in Los Angeles have never entered West Virginia.