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Official TT Jokes Thread - Read and Post your Jokes Here!

When is Frankie Avalon like a captured butterfly?

When he's inside Annette.
 
I understand that female sportscaster Andrews will appear topless in St. Patrick's Day advertisements. It's called "Erin Go Braless".
 
Can you spare just $5.00?

Ranji is a 9 year old boy living in Nambibia.

He has only one leg, one arm and one eye.

Each day, he has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow, winding dirt road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only one pedal.

If you send us just $5.00, we will send you the video. It's freakin hilarious.
 
A lone rancher was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly he saw a brand new BMW roaring up the road toward him.

A sharp dressed city man leaned out the window and asked, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The rancher stared at the man, obviously a yuppie, then toward the expanse of his peacefully grazing herd and answered, "Sure, why not."

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his smart phone and surfed to a NASA webpage. He connected to a GPS satellite for an exact fix on his location and an ultra-high resolution scan of the area, which he exported to a image processing site. Seconds later he received a 150-page full color report.

"You have precisely 1,586 cows and 551 calves."

"That's right," replied the rancher. "I guess you can take one of my calves."

He watched in amusement as the the young man selected an animal and wrestled it into the trunk of his car.

He then said, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

"Sure," said the winded young man. "Why not."

"You're a congressman in the US government."

"Wow, that's correct!" Said the yuppie. "How did you guess that?"

"No guessing involved," answered the rancher. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; you used millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment to show how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a blessed thing about how working people make a living -- or about cows either, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog."
 
Two women are playing golf at the local club. The first tees off and watches in horror as her ball flies directly into a foursome of fellows at the next hole. One of the guys immediately clasps his hands together at his groin and tumbles to the grass.

"Please allow me to help," she says when she arrives at the fallen man's side. "I'm a physical therapist and I know I can relieve your pain if you'll allow me."

"Oh no," the man replies, "I'll be all right. I should be fine in a few minutes."

He is still obviously in agony, however, curled into a fetal position with his hands clutched near his groin.

The lady is persistent, and he finally agrees to let her help. She gently pries his hands away and undoes his zipper. Then she places her hands inside his pants, delivering several minutes of artful massage.

At last she asks, "There. How does that feel now?"

"My groin feels absolutely wonderful," he responds. "But I think my thumb's still broken."
 
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It's not widely known, but in his youth, Prince Charles was an incorrigible prankster. He'd often call up the local tobacconist and ask, "Do you have Prince Albert in a can? Well, for heaven's sake, let him out! He's my bloody uncle!"
 
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers.

"Hello, this is Mrs. Sanders."

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones of St. Agnes Laboratories. When your family physician sent your husband's biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived at the same time. We are now uncertain which of these test results belongs to which man. Frankly, the outlook isn't good either way."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"One of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimers and the other tested positive for HIV."

"That's dreadful! I've got to know which he has! Can't you do the tests again?"

"Well, yes... of course. However, MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests once."

"So what am I supposed to do?" Mrs. Sanders wails.

"The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommends the following procedure: drive your husband into the middle of town and drop him off somewhere. If he finds his way home again... don't sleep with him."
 
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A little girl was out with her grandmother when they came across two dogs mating on the sidewalk.

"What are they doing, Grandma?" the little girl asked.

The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on top has a hurt paw, so the one underneath is carrying him to a hospital."

"They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" the little girl remarked.

"How do you mean?" said the grandmother, puzzled.

"Offer someone a helping hand and they'll screw you every time."
 
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on a highway outside Washington DC. Nothing was moving. He noticed a man on foot speaking to the line of motorists in turn, so he rolled down his window and asked, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have just kidnapped both houses of Congress," the man said, "and are demanding 100 million dollars ransom. Otherwise they,re going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. A bunch of us are going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving on average?" the driver inquired.

The man replied, "Roughly a gallon."
 
Two hospital interns are discussing their assistant nurses. One of them complains, "Think you've got it bad? My nurse is so stupid she gets everything I say backwards. I tell her to give one pills every two hours, and she gives two pills every hour. I tell her to administer a pint of blood, she draws one out of the patient instead."

Just then they hear a blood-curdling scream and see a man in a loose fitting hospital gown streaking madly down the hall as the nurse follows doggedly, a pot of steaming hot water in hand.

"There she goes again!" the intern moans. "I distinctly told her to prick that man's boil!"
 
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Two California beach bunnies were sitting on the sand talking.

One of them said, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?"

To which the other replied, "Florida or the moon?! Hello... can you see Florida???"

* * *

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks to see her license.

"I wish you guys would get your act together!" she steams. "Just yesterday you took my license away and today you expect me to show it to you!"

* * *

A blonde, a redhead and a brunette were lost in the desert. While trudging along, they came across an old lamp. The brunette rubbed it and a genie magically popped out, offering the gals one wish apiece.

"I wish I was out of this desert and back home!" cried the brunette. Poof! She instantly disappeared, on her way back home to safety.

"I wish I was back home!" seconded the redhead. And poof! She likewise disappeared.

"And what will your wish be?" the genie asked the blonde.

"Awwww," the girl moaned, "I'm all alone now. I wish my friends were here."
 
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Two aliens had landed their flying saucer in the Arizona desert right next to a gas station which was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger of the two addressed it, stating, "Greetings, Earthling! We come in peace. Please take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, said nothing. The young alien, a bit nonplussed by this dismissal, repeated his greeting, to which the pump responded with another round of seeming indifference. Again and again the extraterrestrial ambassador attempted to prompt a reply, but the pump remained quiet and stoic each time. The young alien, however, was becoming quite steamed.

"Easy there," the older alien cajoled. "These primitive natives can be stubborn. Try to be patient with him."

The young alien was no longer in a felicitous mood. He drew out his ray pistol and pointed it directly at the gas pump.

"Greetings Earthling," he hissed through clenched teeth. "Take us to your leader or I'll freakin' incinerate you."

"You don't want to do that," the older alien warned. "I'm sure it will piss him off."

But the younger alien was totally exasperated. He took dead aim and opened fire. The resulting explosion landed him in a smoldering heap 200 yards away.

After half an hour, the poor bruised, burnt youngster finally came somewhat to his senses. He stared blearily up at his older, wiser counterpart, who was sorrowfully shaking his big green head.

"Wow! That guy damn near killed me! How did you know he would be so dangerous?"

"My friend," the older alien replied, "there's one thing I've learned during my I intergalactic travels: never mess with someone who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and stick it in his ear."
 
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A reporter was at the docks, interviewing newly landed immigrants as a human interest piece.

He stuck his microphone in front of a man descending the gang plank and said, "Welcome to America! Please tell our listening audience, is this the best day of your life?"

The shabbily dressed man thought a bit, then replied, "No sir. The best day of my life was when I found my beloved mule, which had become lost in the Caccadu mountains. I depended on that mule for all my transportation, and was helpless until I discovered he had wondered back to the village. The only troublesome note was, I later learned that everyone in the village had raped him."

The interviewer was rattled by this odd revelation. But it was a live broadcast, so he continued as though nothing had happened.

"Well then, is this the second best day of your life?"

The man thought a bit more, the responded, "No sir. The second best day of my life was when I found my poor sheep, which had gotten lost in the Caccadu mountains. That sheep provided wool for all my garments, so you can understand how happy I was to discover he had made his way back to the village. But as before, I soon learned that all the villagers had raped him."

The interviewer was completely taken aback by these bizarre confessions.

"Good lord, man! If those were the two best days of your life, what could the worst day possibly have been?"

"The day I became lost in the Caccadu mountains."
 
What's the difference between a phone sex worker and a cat?

A cat doesn't come when you call.
 
A mother took her seven year old son to the zoo, and as they looked at the various animals she decided to test his knowledge about the specimens on display.

"What kind of animal is that?" she demanded.

"It's a lion," the boy replied.

"What sort of lion?"

The boy thought a minute, then said, "A ferocious lion."

"Very good," answered the mother, and they moved on to the next enclosure.

"What kind of animal is that?"

"It's a zebra."

"What sort of zebra?"

The boy thought a bit more, then replied, "A pretty zebra."

"Very good."

They next proceeded to the elephant paddock.

"And what kind of animal is that?"

She knew her son had never seen an elephant before and was curious about the answer he would give.

He stared at the enclosure for several minutes, then replied, "It's an elephant."

"Very good indeed!" she gushed, impressed. "What sort of elephant?"

The boy pursed lips in concentration as he scanned the elephant and its surroundings carefully.

At last he answered, "A frickin' elephant."

Mom was stunned and flustered by this reply.

"What did you just say?"

"A frickin' elephant!" the boy beamed with pride.

His mother slapped him hard across the face.

"How dare you use such language! What makes you think you could ever get away with talk like that?"

The boy, cowed and sniveling, extended a trembling finger toward the identification plate attached to the fence.

It read: "African elephant."
 
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The time: summer of 1942. Two Montana sisters, a blonde and a brunette, found themselves in charge of the family ranch while their brothers and father were out fighting in the Pacific. All was going smoothly until the brunette discerned that their old bull just wasn't equal to his matrimonial responsibilities anymore. Without a continuing supply of calves, the ranch's fortunes would surely dwindle. So she scanned the livestock listings for a replacement and soon located a candidate that might meet their needs. Only problem was, the seller was 500 miles away.

"Sounds fine!" The blonde chirped. "Let's go get him!"

"Not so fast," countered the brunette. "We can't just go charging 500 miles on a bet. Remember, neither of us have seen this bull yet... what if he isn't everything he's cracked up to be? But I can travel there by bus first. That'll be a whole lot cheaper. Once I've had a chance to look him over, I'll send you a wire to let you know whether or not to crank up the truck and come pick him up."

Next day, the brunette started her bus trip to the distant ranch. Long story short: the bull was even better than promised, the price was fair and she concluded a deal on the spot. That didn't leave much cash to send her telegram, though.

"It'll cost 95 cents a word," the operator told her, ""and you say you've only got a dollar? Looks like you're out of luck."

The brunette thought a bit, then said, "Okay. Send this one word: 'Comfotable'."

The operator gawked, slack-jawed.

" 'Comfortable'? Are you sure? That don't make no sense at all!"

"It will to my sister," replied the brunette confidently. "She's a blonde, you know... she'll read it slowly and sound out each syllable: COM-FOR-TA-BLE."
 
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A guy took his blond girlfriend to see her first football game. Afterwards, he asked how she'd enjoyed it.

"Oh, I had a really great time, looking at all those bulging muscles and tight buns and all. But I just couldn't figure it out... why such a ruckus over such a small amount of money!"

Confused, he asked her to elaborate.

"Well, first thing that happens is some guy tosses a coin in the air. One team gets it and the other spends the whole night screaming, 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!' I mean, c'mon! We're only talking about 25 cents!"
 
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Following a shipwreck, five men and a woman washed up on a desert island.

After awhile, everyone was getting pretty horny, so they came up with an acceptable compromise: each man would have his turn with the woman for a week, one at a time. Not an ideal solution, but the best they could do under the circumstances. It worked well enough for years, until the woman unexpectedly died.

The first week after her death wasn't too bad...

The second week was considerably worse...

The third week was awful...

The fourth week was hellish...

The fifth week was totally intolerable...

... so they finally gave up and buried her.
 
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A woman went down to the Welfare Office to apply for aid.

Her interviewer asked, "How many children do you have?"

"Ten," the woman replied.

"And what are their names?"

"David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David."

"They're all named David?!" The office worker started. "What on earth do you do when you want them to come inside?"

"That's easy. I just call out, 'Come in, David' and they all come running."

"But what if you want only one of them to come in?"

"That's easy too," the woman said confidently. "I just use their last name."
 
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Allegedly genuine classified ads. One never knows how seriously to take these things:

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appealing forms.

Dinner Specials -- Turkey $2.35 -- Chicken or Beef $2.25 -- Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Four-post bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lovers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home free.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted: unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothes with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
 
An aging couple decided to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. At the hotel, the husband went to check in while his wife stayed by their car with the luggage. As the man was leaving the lobby, a young, scantily-clad woman approached him and introduced herself as Candie. The man politely but firmly brushed her off.

When the couple got to their room, the man told his wife all about being approached by a prostitute.

"An old codger like you?" she laughed. "Why I don't believe a word of it!"

"I'll prove it to you then," the man said. He placed a call to the front desk and asked that Candie be sent to room 1217.

"Now go hide in the bathroom, with the door open just wide enough for you to hear. You'll soon see if I'm joshing!"

After a short time there was a knock at the door. Candie strolled in and stated, "So, I see you were interested after all."

"Sure!" he replied. "How much is it going to cost, then?"

"$200.00 is the basic rate... $100.00 extra for any special service."

"$200.00?!" the man gasped. "Holy smoke! I was thinking more in the range of $25.00."

Candie laughed.

"You must be a real old-timer if you think you can buy sex for that price!"

She smiled sweetly and left.

The elderly couple had a good chuckle over the incident. They then decided to go downstairs to the lounge for a couple of cocktails.

No sooner had they begun their drinks then who should saunter in but Candie!

She looked the couple over appraisingly and sagely observed, "See what you get for $25.00?"
 
A burly man stalks into a hospital and growls at the receptionist, "I gotta see a doctor. There's something wrong with my ass."

The prim secretary starts and replies, "How dare you use such language in a hospital! This is a place of business! I insist that you not use such vulgar language in here! Now I'm going to give you one more chance: leave the building, come back in again, and this time don't use such an obscene term for your... problem."

The man grimaces and says, "Yeah? What am I supposed to call it then?"

"I don't care," the woman sniffs. "Say 'ear'... 'elbow'... anything other than that vulgar term you used."

The guy looks disgusted, gets up and walks out of the building. He comes back in and approaches the receptionist once more.

"I gotta see a doctor," he repeats. "There's something wrong with my nose."

The woman smiles approvingly.

"That's very much better! Now just what happens to be the matter with your nose?"

"I can't shit out of it."
 
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Today I got a fortune out of a fortune cookie at a local Chinese Restaraunt here it is:

"Everybody has a photographic memory, Some just don't have film!"

LOL

Hootus
 
Two buck-toothed nerds were cycling across campus to their next class.

"That's a beauty!" said the first one as he stared admiringly at the other's shiny new bike. "Where the heck did you get it?"

"Well that's a fascinating story," began the second nerd. "Yesterday afternoon I was strolling along, minding my own business, when what do you think happened? A gorgeous young girl comes riding up on this bike and tosses it on the grass. Then she tears off all her clothes, throws them next to the bike, lies down on her back, and tells me, "Okay, tiger! Take anything you want!"

"Good choice!" nodded the first nerd. "No way her clothes would have fit you."
 
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