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Official TT Jokes Thread - Read and Post your Jokes Here!

Old Punch Line Only" But, The One In The Middle, With The Bad Breath, Is Willie Nelson...." A DOCTOR CALLS A PLUMBER TO HIS HOUSE(BEDSIDE MANOR) TO FIX A LEAKY FAUCETTE. THE PLUMBER WORKS 15 MINUTES BY THE CLOCK, THEN HANDS THE DOCTOR A BILL FOR $100.00 LABOR. THE DOCTOR SAYS" I DON'T MEAN TO BE PETTY BUT AT THAT RATE YOU MAKE $400.00 AN HOUR. I AM A MEDICAL DOCTOR AND I DON'T MAKE $400.00 AN HOUR. THE PLUMBER REPLIES" WELL WHEN I USED TO BE A MEDICAL DOCTOR, NEITHER DID I".
 
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nessonite said:
And old favorite of mine..


A man was on vacation in a small Mexican village. One day he was walking and checking out the street vendors when he noticed that his watch had stopped. He saw an haggard old Mexican man sitting on side of the road next to a haggard old donkey.
"Excuse me, sir? Do you speak English? Could you tell me the time?"
The old man reached under the donkey and lifted it's balls for a moment and eyed them thoguhtfully. "Ees 4:30, senior"
The man looked a little confused but walked on. On his walk back he saw the same man with the donkey and asked him the time again.
Again the old man fondled the donkey's balls and looked intently at them and said "Ees 6:45, senior"
Curiosity got the better of him and the man asked him "I'm sorry, but how can you tell the time by holding your donkey's balls?"
"No, senior," the old man said, pointing under the donkey and across the street "The clock, she's over there."

Ness....?? Are you absolutely POSITIVE....you've never been to San Antonio...??!! 😀
 
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LOL Actually I have been to San Antonio on a train ride from California to Dallas when I was 11 or so. I also spent a few weeks camping on a beach in Mexico...I never saw the Mexico you see on tv with the resorts and golf courses....away from the beach and into whatever little town it was was really disgusting....dead pigs in the roads and that...*shudder*
 
Disorder in the American Courts
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
___________________________________
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
___________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
______________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
_____________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do..
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
_____________________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
_____________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
______________________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
______________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
______________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
______________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere
 
The Pretty One....

This was the last litter of puppies we were going to allow our
Cocker Spaniel to have. It had been a very long night for me.
Precious, our only black Cocker was having a very difficult time
with the delivery of her puppies.

I laid on the floor beside her large four-foot square cage
watching her every movement. I was watching and waiting just in
case we had to rush her to the veterinarian.

After six hours the puppies started to appear. The first born
was a black and white party dog. The second and third puppies
were tan and brown in color.

The fourth and fifth were also spotted black and white. "One,
two, three, four, five," I counted to myself as I walked down
the hallway to wake up Judy and tell her that everything was
fine. As we walked back down the hallway and into the spare
bedroom, I noticed a sixth puppy had been born and was now lying
all by itself over to the side of the cage.

I picked up the small puppy and laid it on top of the large pile
of puppies, which were whining and trying to nurse on the
mother. Instantly Precious pushed the small puppy away from
rest of the group and refused to recognize it as a member of her
family.

"Something's wrong," said Judy. I reached over and picked up
the puppy. My heart sank inside my chest when I saw the little
puppy was hare-lipped and could not close its little mouth.

We had gone through this once before last year with another one
of our cockers. That experience like to have killed me when the
puppy died and I had to bury it. If there was any way to save
this animal I was going to give it my best shot.

All the puppies born that night, with the exception of the small
hare-lipped pup, were very valuable because of their unusual
coloring. Most would bring between five to seven hundred
dollars each.

The next day I took the puppy to the vet. I was told nothing
could be done unless we were willing to spend about a thousand
dollars to try and correct the defect. He told us that the
puppy would die mainly because it could not suckle.

After returning home Judy and I decided that we could not afford
to spend that kind of money without getting some type of
assurances from the vet that the puppy had a chance to live.
However, that did not stop me from purchasing a syringe and
feeding the puppy by hand, which I did every day and night,
every two hours, for more than ten days.

The fifth week I placed an ad in the newspaper, and within a
week we had taken deposits on all of the pups, except the one
with the deformity.

The little guy had learned to eat on his own as long as it was
soft canned food.

Late that afternoon I had gone to the store to pick up a few
groceries. Upon returning I happened to see the old retired
school teacher, who lived across the street from us, waving at
me. She had read in the paper that we had puppies for sale and
was wondering if she might buy one from us for her grandson.

I told her all the puppies had been sold, but I would keep my
eyes open for anyone else who might have a cocker spaniel for
sale. I also mentioned we never kept a deposit should someone
change their mind, and if so I would let her know.

Within days all but one of the puppies had been picked up by
their new owners.

This left me with one brown and tan cocker, as well as the
smaller hare-lipped puppy.

Two days passed without me hearing anything from the gentleman
who had placed a deposit on the tan and brown pup. So I
telephoned the school teacher and told her I had one puppy left
and that she was welcome to come and look at it.

She advised me that she was going to pick up her grandson and
would come over about eight o'clock that evening. Judy and I
were eating supper when we heard a knock on the front door.

When I opened the door, the man who had placed a $100 deposit
on the dog was standing there. We walked inside where I filled
out the paperwork, he paid me the balance of the money, and I
handed him the puppy.

Judy and I did not know what to do or say if the teacher showed
up with her grandson. Sure enough at exactly eight o'clock the
doorbell rang. I opened the door and there was the school
teacher with her grandson standing behind her. I explained to
her the man had come for the puppy just an hour before and there
were no puppies left.

"I'm sorry, Jeffery. They sold all the puppies," she told her
grandson.

Just at that moment, the small puppy left in the bedroom began
to yelp.

"My puppy! My puppy!" yelled the little boy as he ran out from
behind his grandmother.

I just about fell over when I saw that the small child was hare-
lipped. The boy ran past me as fast as he could down the
hallway to where the puppy was still yelping. When the three of
us made it to the bedroom, the small boy was holding the puppy
in his arms. He looked up at his grandmother and said, "Look
Grandma. They sold all the puppies except the pretty one, and
he looks just like me."

Well, old Grandma wasn't the only one with tears in her eyes
that day. Judy and I stood there, not knowing what to do.

"Is this puppy for sale?" asked the school teacher.

"My grandma told me these kind of puppies are real expensive and
that I have to take real good care of it," said the little boy
who was now hugging the puppy.

"Yes, ma'am. This puppy is for sale."

The lady opened her purse, and I could see several one-hundred
dollar bills sticking out of her wallet. I reached over and
pushed her hand back down into her purse so that she would not
pull her wallet out.

"How much do you think this puppy is worth?" I asked the boy.

"About a dollar?" He replied.

"No. This puppy is very, very expensive; more than a dollar."
I told him.

"I'm afraid so." said his grandmother.

The boy stood there pressing the small puppy against his cheek.

"We could not possibly take less than two dollars for this
puppy," Judy said squeezing my hand. "Like you said, 'It's the
pretty one'". She continued.

The school teacher took out two dollars and handed it to the
young boy.

"It's your dog now, Jeffery. You pay the man."

I think it must be a wonderful feeling for any young person to
look at themselves in the mirror and see nothing, except "The
pretty one."

There is a light that shines beyond all things on earth, beyond
the highest, the very highest heavens. This is the light that
shines in your heart.
 
once upon a time

<center>
Storm_Cat said:
Dopey and The Pope
The Seven Dwarfs...
</center>
Some of these are hillarious. I laughed so hard at this one I woke up the cat.


Once upon a time there was a frog who lived in a lake all by himself. He had been given special powers by a local witch. One day he finally ventured out of the lake to get his first glimpse of the world outside. The first thing he saw was a bear chasing a rabbit and so he called out to them and asked them to stop.

He said, "I am a magical frog and since you are the first two animals I have ever seen, I am going to grant you both three wishes. You will each take turns using them and you have to use them now."

The bear (being greedy) went first. "I would like for every bear in this forest to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done.

Then the rabbit. "I would like a helmet." This confused both the frog and the bear, but after a magical sound there was a helmet.

It was the bear's turn again. "I would like for every bear in the neighboring forest to be female." A magical sound and it was done.

The rabbit went again. "I would like a motorcycle." Both the frog and the bear wondered why the rabbit didn't just ask for a lot of money with which he could buy himself a motorcycle, but after a magical sound there was a motorcycle.

The bear took his last wish. "I would like for all the bears in the world to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done.

The rabbit put on his helmet, started up the motorcycle, and then said, "I wish the bear was gay!" and took off like a bat out hell.
 
An Indian chief was sitting with his son, explaining the ways of the world to him.
"How do Indian children get their names, father?" asked the boy.
"Well," said the chief "it is our tradition to name our children after the first thing that his mother sees after the child is concieved.
"That is how your sister, Running Deer, got her name. And your brother, Soaring Eagle. And that is also how you got your name, Little Broken Rubber."


---- another Indian joke...

A long time ago an Indian tribe was caught in a terrble snowstorm at the foot of the great Sierra mountains. Three young braves went ahead to try to find a place they could stay the night. Fierce Bear, Falling Rock, and Swift Rabbit, set out through the deep snow drifts.
Half a day went by and the tribe sat shivering in the cold, waiting for the braves to return. At last through the falling snow they spotted two figures coming toward them.
Swift Rabbit and Fierce Bear had found a warm cave to stay in but their companion had gotten spereated from them ad was nowhere to be found.
Winter passed and gave way to Spring with no signs of the missing young brave. The tribe tried desperately to find him, or at least findhis remains in order to give him a proper tribal burial.
This search continued through the generations, and the tribe neer gave up their search. In fact if you pass through the Sierras to this day (as I have myself many times) you will see the signs they have put up at the foot of the majestic mountains which read:

Watch for Falling Rock
 
LOL Sole Seeker -- that one is pure evil, and I love it!

Nessy, nice ones there too 🙂 I have an Indian-themed one of my own:

The Forecast

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the
village should collect wood to be prepared.

But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the Meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" he asked.

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "Because the Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
 
Subject: To All Patriots
> >
> >Mark your calendar for next Saturday, which has been designated as
> >national anti-terrorist day.
> >
> >As you may already know, it is a sin for a Taliban male to see any woman
> >other than his wife naked and that he must commit suicide if he does. So
> >this Saturday at 4 p.m. eastern time, all American women are asked to
> >walk out of their houses completely naked to help weed out any
> >neighborhood terrorists.
> >
> >Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist
> >effort.
> >
> >All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their
> >house to prove they are not Taliban, and to demonstrate that they think
> its
> >okay to see nude women other than their wife.
> >
> >And to show support for all American women, and since the Taliban also
> >does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof
> >of your anti-Taliban sentiment. For good measure, since pork is a real
> >no-no for the Taliban, you should have various pork products cooking on
> >your BBQ grill
> >
> >The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists
> >and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.
> >It is your patriotic duty to pass this on.
>
 
Women-Speak

> >WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
>
> >
>
> >1. Yes = No
>
> >
>
> >2. No = Yes
>
> >
>
> >3. Maybe = No
>
> >
>
> >4. We need = I want..
>
> >
>
> >5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
>
> >
>
> >6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
>
> >
>
> >7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
>
> >
>
> >8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
>
> >
>
> >9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you
> moron!
>
> >
>
> >10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all
> you ever think about?
 
Men-Speak

> >MEN'S ENGLISH:
>
> >
>
> >1. I am hungry = I am hungry
>
> >
>
> >2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
>
> >
>
> >3. I am tired = I am tired
>
> >
>
> >4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
>
> >
>
> >5. I love you = Let's have sex now
>
> >
>
> >6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
>
> >
>
> >7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex
> with you
>
> >
>
> >8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex
> with you
>
> >
>
> >9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have
> sex with you
>
> >
>
> >10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to
> have sex with you
>
> >
>
> >11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit =
> I'm gay
 
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay


LMAO! Ok, keeping with the Indian joke theme...

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yee Ha!" and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.

"Nothing," shrugged the woman, "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback ..."
 
sole seeker said:
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback ..."

...even though it was quite an innocent coincidence....

ROFLMFAO.....that actually happened to me tonight...!!!! 😀 (we really DO need some better smilies for a response like this...lol..!!)
 
I'd like to add something to "Men-Speak".

"Come over to my place and we'll watch some movies" = We ARE going to have sex...!!

*(actually...that could apply to "Women-Speak" as well)* 😀
 
Ness....!!!

"Watch for Falling Rock"

...and all those times I've driven through the Great Divide's, I actually thought to look up..??
 
"And that is also how you got your name, Little Broken Rubber."

I always heard that one as ..."Two Dog's F***ing"...!! 😀

...but then...where do I live...??
 
LOL Stormy, Ive heard it that way too. 😛 Here's a funny one (if short)...

An Irish man walks out of a bar
 
nessonite said:
LOL Stormy, Ive heard it that way too. 😛 Here's a funny one (if short)...

An Irish man walks out of a bar

ROFLMAO...I got it...!! ...Immediately...!! 😀
 
NEVER SAY TO A COP

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
 
good one's Val, except for....."1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)"...that is no longer true! :happy:

here's one for ya....

> You can't read this and stay in a bad mood
>
>
> >>1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
> >>Unique Up On It.
> >>
> >>
> >>2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
> >>Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
> >>
> >>
> >>3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
> >>They Take The Psycho Path
> >>
> >>
> >>4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
> >>You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
> >>
> >>
> >>5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
> >>Dam!
> >>
> >>
> >>6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too
> Long?
> >>Polaroid's
> >>
> >>
> >>7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
> >>A Stick
> >>
> >>
> >>8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
> >>Nacho Cheese.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
> >>Subordinate Clauses.
> >>
> >>
> >>10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In
> Quicksand?
> >>Quattro Sinko..
> >>
> >>
> >>11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
> >>Spoiled Milk.
> >>
> >>
> >>12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With
> a Vampire?
> >>Frostbite.
> >>
> >>
> >>13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And
> Twitches?
> >>A Nervous Wreck.
> >>
> >>
> >>14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And
> Pea Soup?
> >>Anyone Can Roast Beef.
> >>
> >>
> >>15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
> >>Right Where You Left Him.
> >>
> >>
> >>16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
> >>Because They Have Big Fingers.
> >>
> >>
> >>17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
> >>Because It Scares The Dog.
> >>
> >>
> >>18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
> >>Sanka.
> >>
> >>
> >>19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a
> Hoover? The Location Of
> >>The Dirt Bag.
> >>
> >>
> >>20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
> >>Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
> >>
> >>
> >>21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And
> a Bad Skydiver?
> >>A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
> >>A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
> >>
> >>
> >>22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee
> Divorce The Same?
> >>Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
> >>
> >>
> >>Now, admit it. At least one of these made you
> smile
 
LOL Stormy those were all very good 😀

How do you catch a squirrel?
Sit in a tree and act like a nut
 
So many wonderful jokes and lots of smiles from this thread I hope it never ends! I wonder what the record is for # of posts in a thread? Well anyway, here's another contribution...


THE IMPORTANT CAT RULES (or is it The Cat Rules?)



BATHROOMS:
Always accompany guests to the bathroom.
It is not necessary to do anything.
Just sit and stare.

DOORS:
Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. And while the human is at the door immediately ask to come back in... and out.... and in.. and out... they enjoy the exercise.

CHAIRS AND RUGS:
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag-pile is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a humans bare foot.

HAMPERING:
For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself. For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible. Or at least pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen.

For people paying bills or working on income taxes or Christmas cards, keep in mind the aim: to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.

When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. Humans love to jump. When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer onscreen and then lay in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.

WALKING:
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

BEDTIME:
Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.

LITTER BOX:
When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.

HIDING:
Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.

BEING RUBBED:
Always kneed your human's clothes while being petted, they love the opportunity to change or buy new clothes. And if you are on furniture, be sure you show them how destructable their upholstery is, they will enjoy the opportunity to have a "new look" with new reupholstery.

ONE LAST THOUGHT:
Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face,
turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often. And don't forget guests!
 
Anyone make up their own bumper stickers? Here's a couple of my own.



"Attitudes are contagious; quit making everyone an asshole!"



"Litter your recyclables! There's no law against feeding the bums...."
 
too funny ogleme...I'm no longer a 'cat person', but have had quite a few in the past, and those are SO true...!!

let's see what I can find....ah.....here's one...

Satan
>
> It was a few minutes before the services started.
>
> The congregation was seated in the pews and talking
> quietly.
>
> Without warning, Satan appeared at the front of the
> church.
>
> Everyone started screaming and running for an exit,
> trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away
> from evil incarnate.
>
> Soon everyone had exited the church except for one
> elderly gentleman.
>
> He sat calmly, seemingly oblivious to the fact that
> God's ultimate enemy was in front of him.
>
> Satan walked right up to the old man and said,
> "Don't you know who I am?
>
> The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
>
> "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
>
> "Nope, sure ain't." said the old gentleman.
>
> "Do you know I can kill you with a single word?",
> asked Satan.
>
> "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man,
> in an even tone.
>
> "Don't you realize that I could cause you profound,
> horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
>
>
> "Yep," was the calm reply.
>
> "And yet you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
>
> "Nope."
>
> More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well,
> why aren't you afraid of me"?
>
> The old man looked Satan right in the eye and calmly
> replied, "Been married to your sister for over 52
> years."
>
> PS!
>
> I WAS MARRIED TO HIS OTHER SISTER!
 
The Food Network has announced that its first situation comedy will start airing this fall. Paul Sorvino plays an Italian man who has not been allowed to eat cheese for the past five years, because his doctor has had him on a low-cholesterol diet. Now, his new doctor has him on a low-carb diet, and he is not only allowed but encouraged to eat cheese. The show is called......................






Brace yourself......












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