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Official TT Jokes Thread - Read and Post your Jokes Here!

Another groaner:

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."
 
such language

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell "All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of bitches that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause were leaving".

The mother went in and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." ... "For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
 
George W. Bush and Dick Cheney are watching a John Wayne movie on TV in the Oval Office. At one point Cheney turns to Bush and says, "I'll bet you ten million dollars John Wayne falls off his horse in the next ten minutes." Dubya thinks "What the Hell, if I lose I can always jack up the price of gas some more." So he shakes on the bet. Sure enough, in ten minutes, John Wayne falls off his horse.
"Dick, you won the bet fair and square," Dubya says, "but I have to know: have you seen this movie before?"
"Well, George, yes I have," Cheney says.
Dubya shakes his head and says, "Me too, but I didn't think he'd do it again!"
 
A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish, too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled and said, "It really works!"
 
A ten-year old boy has a dream wherein the Angel of Death tells him that his father will die the next day. The next morning at breakfast he tells his dad about the dream. His dad tells him not to worry, it's only a dream. But as the day progresses the dad grows more and more terrified. What if it is true? All day long at work he is nervous, jumpy, like a man under the ax, never knowing where or when the blow will fall. When he finally gets home he collapses into his favorite chair, emotionally exhausted.

"Honey, I just had the worst day of my life," he says to his wife.

"You think you had a bad day?" his wife replies. "The mailman dropped dead on our front step today!"
 
Viola, the church organist, was 85 and had never been married. She was very much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The Pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring. She welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little hot tea.

As the pastor sat facing her old pump organ, he noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely, Miss Viola had flipped or something.

When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater! Soon he couldn't contain himself any longer and said: "Miss Viola, I wonder if you would tell me about this," pointing to the bowl.

"Oh Yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease... and you know........I haven't had a cold all winter."
 
The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease... and you know........I haven't had a cold all winter."
Click to expand...


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
 
Another Old, Old Native American Joke: A Man Was Passing By A Reservation And Saw A Sign " Chief Won't Forget -- World's Greatest Memory". Test Him For Only $10.00. The Guy Thinks, Wth, Hands Over The Hamilton And Asks" Chief, Three Years One Month And Two Days Ago What Did You Have For Breakfast" .... "eggs", Deadpans The Chief. The Guy Gets Mad At The Con Job And Pulls Out Burning Rubber. About Six Years Later The Same Guy(with Different Haircut, Clothing Style And Car) Sees The Same Old Sign And Chief At Another Reservation. Determined To Get His Money Back He Pulls Up And Says " How!, Chief" ...."scrambled With Cheese" Deadpans The Chief.
 
How I got hurt - reporting an accident to the insurance company

I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number three of the accident reporting form, I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more and I trust that the following details are sufficient:

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of bricks left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at the ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh 135 pounds.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured scull and broken collar-bone.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground - and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately 50 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11.

As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and lacerations of my legs and lower body.

The encounter with the barrel, slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks in pain, unable to move, and watching the barrel six stories above... I again lost my presence of mind - and I let go of the rope!
 
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Oil Shortage

There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America. Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low.

The reason for that is purely geographical. All our oil is in Alaska, Texas, California, and Oklahoma. All our dipsticks are in Washington, DC.
 
No joke, just a favorite picture of mine. Try to find the VW....
 

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Why Guys are Happier

Men are Just Happier People

So why are men just happier people??

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

You can be President.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood, ALL the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all
seasons.

You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24,
in 45 minutes.
 
LOL Missy Val, too true! You missed one though...

If you're a man gray hair is "distinguished"
 
LOL, Nessy -- I'll add that one in 🙂 (My own hair is quite "distinguished" -- thank goodness for henna 😀 )

Love and squishing,
 
Ooh henna? You mean you dye your hair like that maroony auburny color? That must look awesome. 😀 I want to dye my hair a real dark brownwith a purple streak but I dont think it would fly with hubby. 😛
 
Yep, henna is that dark reddish-mahogany shade derived from a safe, natural source. It makes the grey look like red "highlights" 😀

You want a purple streak? I haven't seen that in a while, lol; it would be sort of a retro mid-80's look, I suppose 🙂
 
> I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is
> those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I
> can't afford one, so I'm wearing my garage door
> opener. Now everyone thinks that I'm cool, too.
>
> I was thinking that women should put pictures
> of missing husbands on beer cans!
>
> I was thinking about old age and decided that
> it is when you still have something on the ball but
> you are just too tired to bounce it.
>
> I thought about making a fitness movie for
> folks my age and call it, "Pumping Rust."
>
> I have gotten that dreaded furniture
> disease....That's when your chest is falling into
> your drawers!
>
> You know when people see a cat's litter box,
> they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just
> once I wanted to say, "No, it's for company!"
>
> Employment application blanks always ask who
> is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think
> you should write, "A Good Doctor!"
>
> Why do they put pictures of criminals up in
> the Post Office? What are we supposed to do write
> to these people? Why don't they just put their
> pictures on the postage stamps so the mail carriers
> could look for them while they deliver the mail?
>
> Does a clean house indicate that there is a
> broken computer in it?
>
> Why is it that no matter what color of bubble
> bath you use, the bubbles are always white?
>
>
>
> Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator
> with the hopes that something new to eat will have
> materialized?
>
> Why do people keep running over a string a
> dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach
> down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to
> give their vacuum one more chance?
>
> Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will
> open from the end you first try?
>
> Is it true that the only difference between a
> yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the
> road the stuff is placed?
>
> In winter, why do we try to keep the house as
> warm as it was in summer when we complained about
> the heat?
>
> Why do old men wear their pants higher than
> younger men?
>
> How come we never hear any "father-in-law"
> jokes?
>
> If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you
> try doing it like your wife told you to?
>
> Why is it that men can react to broken bones
> as 'just a sprain' and deep wounds as 'just a
> scratch,' but when they get the sniffles they are
> deathly ill 'with the flu' and have to be bedridden
> for weeks?
>
> I was thinking about how people seem to read
> the Bible a whole lot more as they get older... then
> it dawned on me, they were cramming for their
> finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on a
> curve rather than pass or fail.
 
> If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you
> try doing it like your wife told you to?
Click to expand...

LOLOL! Definately must show this one to hubby 😀
 
How True!!!!!



I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people
die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing
a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the
ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy its
replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who
said, "Quit while you're ahead?"

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to
use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Some people are like Slinkies . . .. not really good for anything, but
you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a cam corder these days no one talks
about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a
substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?

And the # 1 thought for the day:

You read about all these terrorists most of them came here legally, but
they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15
years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a
video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge
of immigration!!!
 
The following "English Language" signs were observed in various overseas
travel locations throughout the world:

Cocktail lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE
BAR.

At a Budapest zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY
SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

Doctors office, Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Hotel, Acapulco: THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED
HERE.

Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan: COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU
WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.

Sign in men's rest room in Japan: TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT

In a Nairobi restaurant: CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO
SEE THE MANAGER.

On an Athi River highway: TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS
ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

In a City restaurant: OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.

One of the Mathare buildings: MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE.

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer: DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.

In a Pumwani maternity ward: NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.

In a cemetery: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT
THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Sign in Japanese public bath: FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL COCK
IN TUB.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO
OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

In a Tokyo bar: SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

In a Bangkok temple: IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF
DRESSED AS A MAN.

Hotel brochure, Italy: THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN
FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS
SOLITUDE.

Hotel lobby, Bucharest: THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT
TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.

Hotel elevator, Paris: PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.

Hotel, Yugoslavia: THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF
THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan: YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: YOU ARE
WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET
COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

Supermarket, Hong Kong: FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS,
EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.

From the "Soviet Weekly": THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000
SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER
THE PAST TWO YEARS.

Hotel, Vienna: IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK
FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN
AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH
EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich: BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE
OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED
FOR THIS PURPOSE.

A laundry in Rome: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE
AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN
ASS?

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT
ITS USEFUL LIFE.

In a Swiss mountain inn: SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM. (That's one Inn I'd have to do
without)

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL
DIRECTIONS.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO RUSSIA, YOU ARE
WELCOME TO IT



And I would like to add my own I've seen on the way to Tahoe:
Pow-Wow's Diner and Gas Station, Come eat and get gas
 
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