Hitler and Stalin wind up sharing the same boiling pit in Hell.
"Wanna hear a joke?" Stalin inquires.
"Sure!" Hitler replies jovially.
"Been nice seeing you," Stalin continues. "Now I Moscow."
Hitler considers for a minute.
" 'Moscow' ?" he says, puzzled. "I don't get it."
"No!" Stalin crows. "And you never will!"
* * *
If you ever go to consult a psychotherapist, make sure the sign on his door is all one word.
* * *
The Department of Transportation has done an exhaustive study to determine the most failure-prone component of any car; turns out to be it's the nut holding the steering wheel.
* * *
All the talking furniture in the Beast's castle were sweet to Belle... all except the one she sat in front of during meals. That piece was uncharacteristically irritable.
* * *
Never list "calligraphy" as one of you skills during an oral interview. It always looks better on paper.
* * *
My girlfriend's a redhead... I handle her gingerly.
* * *
"I think every Nazi in our country should be eliminated!"
"Me too! Blind people weaken our society!"
* * *
Never play Scrabble... you run way too much risk of losing an i.
* * *
Nothing wrong with procrastination! Everyone should plan for the future!
* * *
Alfred: "Sir, you'll have to use the Batcycle today. I checked the Batmobile and it won't start... bad battery."
Batman: "Okay, if you say so. But what the heck's a tery?"
* * *
I may not have gone to school, but I have plenty of street smarts. That make me a roads scholar.
* * *
"Guess what? I was rubbing rust off an old oil lamp when suddenly all this smoke started pouring out the spout! Then a a magic spirit named Eric appeared and promised to grant me a pile of money! He did it, too! Trouble was, it was a lot less than I expected."
"Well, that's what you should expect from djinn Eriks"
* * *
Nutritionists recommend lots of vegetables. They say red meat is bad for you. But I think I have the solution: don't eat it till it turns green.
* * *
My stallion fell in love with a mare in a nearby pasture. Unfortunately, a turf farm lies between them. Too bad... lawn-distance relationships never work out.
* * *
There was a mass grave robbing at our local cemetery. You'd think that would make for an solid story, but no... the plot is full of gaping holes.
* * *
Doctor: "I have some bad news for you. You'll have to take one of these pills once a day for the rest of your life."
Patient: "That doesn't sound so bad! But why did you give me only three?"
Doctor: "Like I said...
* * *
You know what really gets my goat? El chupacabra.
* * *
She: "I don't want you to drink anymore."
He: "Hey, I put away two bottles of wine a night. I don't think I could drink any more than that."
* * *
I planned to apply for work at the factory that makes Tide laundry soap, but I guess they hire only women. My brother tells me they can deter gents.
* * *
If you're given the choice of toting a load of water or a load of butane, pick the butane. It's a lighter fluid.
* * *
I've gotten involved with a woman who has OCD. It's been a sorted affair.
* * *
A drunk stumbles into a bar. He's obviously had too many already, so the bartender tosses him out. The wino dusts himself off, gets unsteadily to his feet and, after staggering around aimlessly for a few minutes walks right back inside. Once again, the bartender throws him out. And once again, the drunk manages to get upright and heads back into the bar. This goes on for several minutes, in and out, in and out, in and out. Finally the drunk becomes incensed.
"Fer Pete's sake!" he hollers at the bartender. "Just how many bars do you own?"
Gregor Mendel, the pioneering geneticist, once tried to crossbreed a centipede with a parrot. He was way ahead of his time, trying to invent the first walkie-talkie.
* * *
A word to first-time lovers: if you feel it's a little rash, be warned... it could be gonorrhea.
* * *
"In New Orleans, anything goes! Have you ever traveled there?"
"Only on a Cajun."
* * *
Getting diapers right is a crucial job of early parenthood. You can't half-ass it.
* * *
Designers are working on a game they claim will be twice as good as Fortnite. They're calling it Month.
* * *
The difference between our church and our library: the library occupies two floors; the church is a one story building.
* * *
The prostitute I visited refused to perform orally for me. Turns out she had a terrible speech impediment.
* * *
Hear about the music promoters who needed security for their metal concert? They hired some off-duty coppers.
* * *
I've been lovesick all week long... early stages of syphilis, I think.
* * *
To Belle's astonishment, the talking appliances in the Beast's kitchen suddenly went on strike and marched up to his chamber door to demand a negotiation. Just let that sink in!
* * *
Q: Which bathtub toy is constantly stealing soap?
A: The robber ducky.
* * *
I feel so sorry for my brother! He had an excruciating accident in which he broke three of his fingers! On the other hand, he's not suffering any pain.
* * *
I want to play a game called Russian Roulette! From what I hear, it's mind blowing!
* * *
The guy who invented the roach clip must really have been annoyed... the term "pot holder" had already been taken.
* * *
Today I had an out-of-body experience! I was so excited I was beside myself!
* * *
Q: Which Batman villain was broken from the start?
A: Harvey Dent.
* * *
If you're interested in a girl, make sure to get her a bottle of tonic water! She'll be Schwepped off her feet!
* * *
Don't throw any more hand grenades into the nursery; we already have enough baby boomers.
* * *
This past year I've lost my brother, my girlfriend and my grandmother. Let me tell you, it hasn't been easy; making those deaths look accidental was a lot harder than you'd think.
* * *
The drink most often associated with OJ Simpson is orange juice. That's inappropriate; it should be guilt tea.
* * *
None of my kids have Facebook accounts. Damn it, now I'll never know when their birthdays are!
* * *
"I can't stand my wife! She's driving me to drink!"
Last year I had a terrible accident in which I lost all the fingers off both my hands. The consequences are ongoing... I just don't feel that well anymore.
* * *
Doctors who used to practice internal medicine are now going into plastic surgery. That should raise a few eyebrows!
* * *
I can't do without either of my wives. A lot of people say that makes me a selfish bigamist, but I disagree. I'm such a givin' guy, I treat each of them as if she was the only woman in my life: Sharon is Karen.
* * *
Return addresses are missing from almost all envelopes... they up and left.
* * *
I heard about this singer named Sting who must have been in bad trouble with authorities. Seems he turned himself into the police.
* * *
"My dog Skippy just had her first taste of chocolate."
"Did she like it?"
"Like it? She loved it to death!"
* * *
That lackadaisical waiter ruined the date I had last night... he just couldn't give two forks.
* * *
"So, you saw the movie 'Free Solo' last night. What did you think of it?"
"I found it to be a gripping experience."
* * *
Witch: "Beware of my evil spell!"
Priest: "Do your worst, hag!"
Witch: "Very well, then... E-V-I-L."
* * *
She: "Women are the backbone of our nation. They're clearly the better sex."
He: "I can dig it, babe! Wo, men are the best!"
* * *
Frodo just couldn't stay out of the Prancing Pony; he was hobbitually drunk.
* * *
"Ash had difficulty traveling by rail with Pikachu and Bulbasaur."
"Of course! He had two Pokemon."
* * *
Jesus must have baked the heck out of the Last Supper... I hear it was prepared on high.
* * *
My ex-wife and I have been arrested for child murder. We went through a nasty divorce last year and the kids were torn between us.
* * *
A missionary spent months in a cannibal village, observing their strange rites. It shook him so much that he couldn't wait to get back to civilization and take communion.
* * *
Image my surprise when I washed ashore after the shipwreck to find the beach strewn with ice cream sundaes, pies and cakes! I always thought it would be tough to be stranded on a desserted island!
* * *
Mother Superior has turned the local convent into a business; she's been charging folks for using her powers to foretell their futures. All the money goes to charity... this is a nun prophet organization.
* * *
At the age of 80 I finally watched my first porno. It was quite a revelation; I looked so different back then.
* * *
Q: Why do dentists move to Miami when they retire?
A: Because... fluoride, duh!
* * *
My wife and I have two boys, 10 and 13. Not very inventive names, but the best we could do in such a large household.
* * *
Jesus is said to have gone through crucifixion. I very much doubt that really happened; if it was true, scholars would call it a crucifact.
* * *
I went the gym today... spend 20 grueling minutes stretching, twisting and straining. By the time I finally got my exercise clothes on, I was too exhausted to work out.
I thought I'd called the grocery store to have them deliver some mint. Little did I realize that I'd accidentally dialed the hardware store, but I figured it out when I saw the concrete mixer in my driveway.
* * *
Patient: "Doctor, I'm tired all the time."
Doctor: "That's because you don't take care of yourself. I need to stop smoking and drinking alcohol, eat a proper diet, and most importantly, get plenty of exercise. Do that, and you're sure to have a good night's sleep."
Patient: "Yeah? How will exercise help me sleep?"
Doctor: "It'll tire you out."
Patient: "I'm tired right now."
* * *
"Jesus was the best! He fed 5,000 people on loaves and fishes!"
"That's nothing! Hitler made 6 million people toast!"
* * *
Please don't tell any more homophobic jokes. They're all the same.
* * *
"I pay only a buck fifty to get gas."
"Hey, that's great!"
"It's not all that great. I get awfully tired of eating at Taco Bell."
* * *
If you challenge one to fight, make sure he doesn't bring three, five, seven and nine with him. The odds will be against you.
* * *
I wanted to be a plumber when I was young. Little did I know that it was only a pipe dream.
* * *
The Geico Gecko just can't satisfy a woman: he has a reptile dysfunction.
* * *
Say if you must that I'm raising my son to be a dullard. I prefer to say that I grow my own dope.
* * *
Michael Jackson was a terrible role model. It's well known that he picked his nose.
* * *
Our town came up with something unique for the 4th of July celebration: a snowman who could play and sing "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road". They billed him as Meltin' John.
* * *
I just rubbed ketchup into my eyes, and man does it sting! So much for Heinz-sight being 2020!
* * *
Hear about the lumberjack so tough he smokes tree trunks? Well, he's trying to cut down.
* * *
I can get ahold of my doctor 24-7. He's an on-callogist.
* * *
You can't hurt Superman by running into him with a car. That must mean he's autoimmune.
* * *
I lost my ruler on the way to school, so the guy seated next to me offered to loan me his broken one. I appreciated the thought, but I don't take half measures.
* * *
Barbies aren't made of plastic anymore. It's all going into the new Kardashian dolls.
* * *
As a recent immigrant, I do my best to play by the rules. But I erred when I tried to get rid of gophers in my field by dropping M-80s down their holes. Since none of the pests were killed, I was charged with committing an attack on US soil.
* * *
Q: In the famous painting of Napoleon's retreat from Moscow, the Emperor strikes an iconic pose by stuffing his hand inside his coat. Why did he do that?
A: He was trying his best to keep his armies warm.
* * *
Don't judge a book by its cover... especially not if it's a spy novel.
* * *
To the guy who stole my prescription glasses: if you think you got the best of me, think again! I have contacts!
I used to deal drugs, but have given up that slimy profession to become a tailor. My new motto: no mind altering.
* * *
At wine or cheese tastings, always take along a flask of turpentine. It's an ideal palette cleanser.
* * *
My HP computer printer died on me today. Quite the sad occasion... it's been like a Brother to me.
* * *
If Queen Elizabeth farts during a state affair, don't expect anyone to acknowledge it; noble gasses scarcely ever get a reaction.
* * *
According to statistics, 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.
* * *
My English teacher hasn't graded my essay yet. But she will, mark my words.
* * *
If you ever develop constipation during an African cruise, just leave the ship. After that, you'll be in continent.
* * *
I'm a theoretical physicist, but no one will hire me. How can they ignore my three theoretical degrees?
* * *
My ex left me because I was constantly trying to get into her pants. In retrospect, I can't blame her: she wore a 30, while I was size 44.
* * *
During rush hour, my wife wound up behind a delivery van loaded with a shipment of gin products. Trust her to pick the sloe lane!
* * *
One of the hillbillies killed in the Hatfield/McCoy feud has been found inhabiting the body of a 4 year old child. It's a genuine case of reintarnation.
* * *
My wife promised to make Beef Wellington for dinner. Well, she really knew what she was doing; it sure tasted lake an old boot.
* * *
Q: Sartre, Keirkegaard and Nietzsche walk into a restaurant and ordered omelets. Why did they choose that dish?
A: Because it's eggs essential.
* * *
If you come over to my place, you'll always find the curtains drawn. There aren't any other real furnishings in the apartment, either.
* * *
Don't order Pelican Curry without carefully checking the menu... the bill will be outlandish.
* * *
I consider myself to be a cosmopolitan. Why not? I'm constantly full of Vodka and cranberry juice.
* * *
The crowbar was invented in the 1400s. Prior to that, crows had to drink at home.
* * *
I called my wife zymotic; she told me I was a zyzzyva. Damn it, she always gets in the last word!
* * *
P.T. Barnum and Michael Jackson lived in entirely different centuries, but they had this much in common: they both believed there was a sucker born every minute.
* * *
Our Trigonometry professor's suddenly started speaking gibberish! Quick, find someone who understands sine language!
* * *
The swordfish is swift and athletic, one of the most robust animals in the sea. It has few rivals... the mightiest of these is the modest, rather unassuming penfish.
* * *
Idealist: "If we could only get everyone on Earth to join hands and form a ring clear around the world, image what it would do for the human race!"
Conclusion: Buy one and you'll have a never-ending source of omelets!
* * *
I'm so old now I sometimes forget which way my boxer shorts are supposed to go. Fortunately, there's a simple guideline: yellow in front, brown in back.
* * *
A kiss from a llama might be disgusting, but it's not the end of the world. You should, however, worry about the alpaca lips.
* * *
My sister wants to turn gay strictly for the culture. She's eager to seem sapphisticated.
* * *
My job in a bacteriological lab was no better than prison! I want nothing more to do with cell culture!
* * *
"I've invented a new code in which all the vowels have number designations. 'A' will be '8', 'E' will be '5', 'I' will be '4', 'U' will be '6' and 'Y' will be '2'."
"Uh, you've forgotten one, haven't you?"
"Thanks for reminding me! That one is the control letter. It will be represented by a zero. So, what do you think?"
"Man, what a weird 'O'."
* * *
My wife irritated me by asking if she could run her fingers through my hair. Damn it! She knows I only have the one!
* * *
Genie: "I shall grant you three wishes, Master!"
Aladdin: "Great! My first wish is that you get rid of all the lawyers!"
Genie: "Swell idea! Well, see you 'round, kid!"
Aladdin: "Hey! You said I got three wishes!"
Genie: "So sue me."
* * *
On the whole, I don't care for casinos. Slot machines are for suckers and you'll leave the roulette wheel broke. However, the craps table is something else again! I can describe it in one simple word: paradise!
* * *
The concert pianist was unable to purchase groceries... he'd forgotten his Chopin /Liszt.
* * *
Almost all the characters in the Harry Potter novels are well developed... all except Nearly Headless Nick. I thought he was poorly executed.
* * *
Everyone in the Guardians of the Galaxy is offended by Rocket Raccoon. He's forever talking trash.
* * *
Q: How did Chicken Little get his name?
A: He actually came up with that himself. He didn't care much for the one his parents gave him: Dinky Cock.
* * *
According to paleontologists, some early humans wandered aimlessly around the world until they ended up in Europe. No wonder they were known as Meanderthals!
* * *
I love playing basketball with my son! Six-month olds fit through the hoop so neatly!
* * *
Two blondes wonder around a forest for hours, trying to find the perfect Christmas tree. Finally one of them turns to the other a says, "I'm sick of this! Let's just take one of these that don't have decorations!"
* * *
The circus clown flopped down on a platform to rest, not knowing that was where the elephant performed. What a faux pas... I've never seen him so depressed.
* * *
The Roman Army offered Julius Caesar a laurel crown; unfortunately, he let it go to his head.
* * *
No astronaut has ever gotten sick in outer space. That's to be expected... they do their best work when they aren't under the weather.
* * *
If you want stylish clothing, talk to a calf... they're so easily suede.
* * *
I sent my son to a fancy university in Europe, but so far he's spent all his time in foreign bordellos. Evidently I misunderstood him when he told me he wanted to study a broad.
* * *
Anakin Skywalker could have become a great Jedi, but chose to prostitute himself to the Sith for evil power. He's now one of the ***** Forcemen.
Running a crematorium is a very straightforward profession: you get paid exactly as much as you urn.
* * *
I figured that becoming a gourmet chef would be the perfect job for me, but I couldn't have been more wrong. In the end, every meal I make turns to crap.
* * *
You can always tell which lepers are the most belligerent. They're the ones having a face off.
* * *
It burns like hell when I pee. The fire department has warned me to stop drinking so much lighter fluid.
* * *
Thanos had already been pushed to the edge by the Avengers, but when the Guardians of the Galaxy ganged up on him too, he simply snapped.
* * *
My brother has exactly the same thing for lunch every day: ground round beef on a bun. He won't tell me much about it, but I suspect he has ass burgers.
* * *
Q: According to statistics, who are the most ardent eaters of seafood?
A: The blind.
* * *
My wife asked for a little peace and quiet while she was trying to cook dinner. Well, I can take a hint; I immediately removed the battery from the smoke detector.
* * *
The Chinese soldiers opposing Genghis Khan had to bring their own lunch. Most of them picked a Mongolian beef.
* * *
My teeth need straightening, but when I asked my wife how much it would cost, she said, "Brace yourself." Damn it, she knows I don't have that kind of training!
* * *
Right before she was driven from her castle, Snow White had sent a roll of film to Fotomat. We know this because she'd been overheard singing, "Sunday my prints will come."
* * *
Q: 666 is the number of the Beast? But what is 668?
A: The neighbor of the Beast.
* * *
Some have accused Michael Jackson of gender confusion, but that's not true at all. The pronouns most associated with him have always been he/he.
* * *
Q: The magician's assistant got sawed in half during the magic act. Where did he go once the show is over?
A: To a topless bar.
* * *
One of the accessories included with Mr. Potato Head is a pair of glasses. Apply them if you want him to be a spec-tater.
* * *
Depression gets to the best of us. That's why I've never been depressed.
* * *
Brunette: "Why did you throw your new Bluetooth headphones in the lake?"
Blonde: "The salesman told me I had to let them sink."
* * *
While shopping, I took a look at a toothpaste that advertised "For Sparkling White Teeth!". Obviously, I didn't pick up that one... mine are all brown.
* * *
It was tough on the island missionaries for the first few months... they had little shelter and barely anything to eat. But the friendly cannibals were always willing to lend a hand.
* * *
In the early days of the space race, the Soviets sent a dog up in a rocket capsule. If you ask me, that was terribly inhumane... any housewife can tell you that dogs are afraid of vacuums.
* * *
"My grandpa was really something! He told us well ahead of time precisely what day he was going to die and even the exact manner of his death!"
I'll never forget the fun winters months my brothers and me spent on our farm! From the time I was five till I turned about twelve, my dad would always roll us kids down snowy hills inside of old car tires. Yes, they were good years!
* * *
No wonder those tennis shoes have tongues... on the outside, they say Converse.
* * *
I'm tired of listening to the janitorial staff gripe about how hard it is to do their job. They insist on making sweeping generalizations.
* * *
Tear ducts are always damp. That's because they moist your eyes.
* * *
My friends are all bummed out because I neglected to open my date's car door for her. I know it's proper protocol, but I think I had a valid excuse: that river water was damn cold!
* * *
Passenger: "Tell me, how often do planes crash at this airport?"
Pilot: "Usually only the one time."
* * *
My auntie asked again if I was sure I could make a fancy Italian dessert for her dinner party.
"You bet!" I reassured her. "It'll be a pizza cake!"
* * *
The first time a slug saw a snail, he went a little crazy. Witnesses say it was shell shock.
* * *
I recently entered a contest for Biggest Shlong and Balls in the Nation. Needless to say, the competition didn't stand a chance! I wiped the floor with 'em!
* * *
In the army, it's the drill sergeant's job to make sure the soldiers always march in perfect unison. He's also known as a gait-keeper.
* * *
Our high school was tough! How tough? The yearbook pictures always had one photo from the front and one from the side.
* * *
Missionaries have discovered a sect of island savages who pray to a huge statue of male genitals. They consider this practice sack religious.
* * *
My dentist says he sees cavities he plans to fill... I know now why he wanted me to face the wall instead of sit in the chair.
* * *
I you ever travel back in time to view dinosaurs, make sure to take all your shots. Otherwise, you'll get Jurassic.
* * *
There's a sexually transmitted condition with a death rate of 100%. Heard about it? It's called Life.
* * *
No one liked my miserly uncle. It's been ten years since he died; our family all got together to celebrate the passed decayed.
* * *
Q: Wendy was super embarrassed to find lost shadows. How come?
A: Too near Peter Pan's.
* * *
Q: How do you know for sure you've got a power vacuum?
A: They don't pick hairs.
* * *
Ted Bundy: "Hey Jeff, got any juice bars in the freezer?"
Jeffrey Dahmer: "Nope. Only Ben and Jerry."
* * *
During the Battle of Asgard, Thor's brother escaped the battlefield by using his Three Amulets of Good Fortune. The Thunder God pursued so as to deprive him of these powerful talismans, but the God of Mischief was confident. As he departed, he was heard to cackle, "You'll never get me Loki charms!"
* * *
Patient: "I come to you with an irregular heartbeat and all you do is call me a liar!"
Doctor: "Sir, I said no such thing. As I already told you, that's AFib."
* * *
My brother was arrested for being a pick-pocket; when caught, he was folding a small fortune in stolen watches. Mom thinks he's a bad seed, but I'm convinced he just had too much time on his hands.
Icarus crashed when he flew back home from the sports bar. He really should have avoided those hot wings.
* * *
My barnyard rooster got tired of his harem of chickens and decided to use the local pet store as a dating service.
"What'll it be?" the store owner inquired. "A sweet little myna bird, maybe? Or how about a parakeet?"
Our rooster looked the selection over carefully, then stated his preference:
"A cockatoo will do."
* * *
The inhabitants of Easter Island carved huge monuments which they then carried great distances to the site of their installation. They got the idea from a tradition of the American Northwest Indians: totem poles.
* * *
My brother once went eight straight days without sleeping. Fortunately, he was able to catch up during the nights.
* * *
Teacher: "If it takes 8 men 10 days to build a wall, how many days will it take 4 men to build it?"
Student: "None. There's no point putting the 4 extra men to work if the darn thing's already built."
* * *
It takes me 10 minutes to walk from my house to the bar, but 30 minutes to walk from the bar back home. The time difference is simply staggering.
* * *
The American people's lack of interest in US history is appalling. Most of them can't even tell you where the Declaration of Independence was signed. And the answer's so obvious: at the bottom of the page!
* * *
Social worker: "And what is your exact age, sir?"
Octogenarian: "I"m exactly one day old."
Social worker: "Sir, please don't be difficult. Your son tells me you're in your 80s."
Octogenarian: "Hey, I ought to know. I've been around as long as I can remember."
* * *
Eventually, time will catch up with me. It has incentive... I've been killing time my whole life.
* * *
As soon as I left the farm for active military duty, my wife drove away with our brand new tractor. I found out all about it when she sent me a John Deere letter.
* * *
Our trail boss gave the camp cook a bow and quiver so that he could hunt up some meat for his famous Hellfire Chili. But Cooky was reluctant.
"No can do, boss," he explained. "No habanero."
* * *
In a supermarket checkout line, they always ask you "Paper or plastic?" That's because baggers can't be choosers.
* * *
My wife thinks I've got no talent, but it so happens I do really excellent impressions. If you doubt that, just check my living room couch.
* * *
Q: How does an Eskimo build his home?
A: Igloos it together.
* * *
I met my dream girl today. She told me to wake the hell up and go get a job.
* * *
Glycine is one compound with a bad attitude; he's a mean-o acid.
* * *
My uncle runs an Italian restaurant, and I'm chagrined to have to tell you that he steals back the pasta left on customers' plates for reuse. Yep, he's a cheapskate... pinches every penne.
* * *
Mars: "Hi Earth! How ya doin'?"
Earth: "Not so good... these damn parasites are driving me crazy."
Mars: "Yeah, I can tell. Looks like you're running a fever."
* * *
I was distressed to learn that my blond girlfriend attempted suicide. I found out when I went over to her apartment and saw six bullet holes in the mirror.
* * *
Ever hear about that document the champion barbecue chef keeps... the one that holds a written account of every piece of beef he ever prepared? I'll bet you have; it's called the sears cattle log.
* * *
Sis has a photographic memory. Unfortunately, it's full of selfies.
* * *
Hayden: "My new piano concerto doesn't wound quite right. What instruments should I add to fix it?"
Mozart: "Hmmm... I'm not sure. But remember: "violins" is never the answer."
The Grim Reaper used to be an angsty Goth rebel... pasty complexion, dressed all in black, thought of nothing except death. Nowadays he wears a business suit and is clearly only in it for the money. Looks like he's souled out.
* * *
My sister's become desperate; she recently spent money on a want-ad, looking for a husband. I don't think it'll do any good... my brother-in-law covered his tracks too well.
* * *
Certain selections that come out of vending machines are rumored to cause tumors. Don't be too concerned about it, though... most of them are B9.
* * *
My buddy asked for a glass of water; I brought him a glass of ice. I'm always ready to do him a solid.
* * *
The hobbits Merry and Pippin drove a herd of Ents into battle against the evil wizard Saruman. You could hear their famous war cry above the din of combat: "Run, Forest, Run!"
* * *
I was the loneliest youngster in my neighborhood. Even my imaginary friend played with the kids across the street.
* * *
Some thief has been stealing the wheels off squad cars. Cops are working tirelessly to find him.
* * *
My dentist told me that my teeth are like a string of pearls. What he meant was that each one has a hole through the center.
* * *
According to the old saying, a woman's work is never done. That's probably why they're paid so much less than men.
* * *
Recording: "Hello, this is the Mental Health Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly."
* * *
Q: How many Paris Hiltons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one to hold it in place while the world revolves around her.
* * *
It may take a village to raise a child, but it takes a Viking to raze a village.
* * *
My rock collection isn't worth much money but it does have sedimental value.
* * *
Patient: "Doc, all my boys want to be valets at a restaurant! Should I find that disturbing?
Psychiatrist: "Indeed you should. Parking sons syndrome is no joke."
* * *
When I saw the enemy army lined up on the other side of the battlefield, I had to ponder the uselessness of war. But as soon as they began their bayonet charge, I got the point.
* * *
A motorcycle cop sees a blonde tootling along at the wheel of a convertible and is dismayed to notice that she's preoccupied with knitting. He immediately zooms up alongside her and hollers, "Pull over!"
"Nope!" she responds chirpily, holding up the yarn for him to see. "Wool socks!"
* * *
I once got so drunk I lost my balance and fell all the way down an up escalator. It was the most humiliating two hours of my life.
* * *
Never mind Deadpool... Kool Aid Man is the most meta personality. He breaks the fourth wall every time he's onscreen.
* * *
A rod cell fell in love with a cone cell and they soon married. This was followed by a light reception.
* * *
Q: What does it mean when the post office flies its flag at half staff?
A: That they're now hiring.
* * *
I was driving down the road when I noticed a hippy hitch-hiker holding up a sign reading "Paradise". I wanted to oblige him, so I ran him over.
Little is known about the ancient city of Uruk, but most scholars agree that its water supply probably came from two now-dried up river beds, those being the Gan-dar in the west and the Guza in the east. They're convinced, too, that a single large lake fed both these mighty waterways; what's source the Guza's source for the Gan-dar.
* * *
Q: What was Obi-Wan doing on Tatooine all those years?
A: Cultivating a plot of marijuana. He knew how important it was to have the high ground.
* * *
Ronald McDonald has a place in the ghetto. He calls it "m'crib".
* * *
I tried to reform my pervy uncle by asking him what he thought comes after death. I should have known better... he told me, "A necropheliac."
* * *
Hear about the wall that fell in love with another wall? They could always be seen meeting in the corner.
* * *
Ever been at the wheel of a car and had to pee so bad that you pulled over to the side of the road to relieve yourself? That happened to me once. I recommend you fight that urge... the driving instructor is sure to take off points.
* * *
Hear about the priest who marched out onto a battlefield to stop war? He was cannonized for his heroism.
* * *
My mother gave birth to me two months early. Mighty inconsiderate of her... I'd have preferred it if she'd waited until I was in my twenties.
* * *
Q: How do you make a Belgian waffle?
A: Give him two unappealing alternatives.
* * *
I used to cry during sex; very, very embarrassing. Fortunately I've now gotten used to pepper spray.
* * *
She: "How'd you like cod for lunch?"
He: "Sounds great!"
She: "Want it battered?"
He: "No, I'm not mad at it or anything. Kill it humanely."
* * *
My wife says I'm a cheapskate. Sorry, I just can't buy that.
* * *
I hear that Tiger Woods plays 18 holes every day! Yet somehow, he still finds time for golf!
* * *
Darth Vader could have become a Jedi master, but he chose the Dark Side instead. I can appreciate why: being called Master Vader would have been terrible for his prestige.
* * *
"Says here in the paper that the Wonka Factory is branching out into white chocolate."
"And you can have it! I ain't eating congealed white glop from any willy wanker!"
* * *
I've had two cases of mono this year. The doctor has upgraded my condition to stereo.
* * *
Q: How are the different sections of the International Space Station held together?
A: By employing astro-knots.
* * *
By the end of World War II, the ranks of the German army were growing thin. That's why der Fuhrer created the Hitler Youth... he was trying to tie the Eastern Front back together with little Nazis.
* * *
Most male dancers wear loose fitting trousers. They're preferable for the ball room.
* * *
Blonde: "I deserve a mathematics prize! I've figured out how to make seven an even number!"
Brunette: "Really? What's the secret?"
Blonde: "It's so simple! Just remove the 's'!"
* * *
The numbers 2 and 3 fell in love and got married. Unhappily, their offspring, 6, became a junvile delinquent. The parents were disappointed but philosophical about it.
"He's not a bad boy," papa would say. "He's just a product of our times."
* * *
Supplicant: "Father, I need your advice. My greatest desire is to live for all eternity."
Priest: "Then I recommend you get married, my son."
Supplicant: "And that will ensure that I live forever?"
Everyone prefers a laughing baby to one that's crying. But if it comes out of your womb that way, call an exorcist!
* * *
My pet pig saved my life. I was dying for a ham sandwich.
* * *
Q: Which mad scientist creation understands time/space theory?
A: Frank Einstein's monster.
* * *
I'd like to cross-dress with my wife, but she thinks the idea's disgusting. She clearly doesn't understand my needs... just once, I wish she'd put herself in my shoes!
* * *
Storks deliver normal babies. For extra-fat ones, you may need a crane.
* * *
I was named after my great great grandfather. Since he lived so much earlier than me, it couldn't have happened any other way.
* * *
Q: How can you tell if it's really your dog on the phone?
A: Check his collar ID.
* * *
The difference between me and my Amish neighbor...
My morning routine: Raisin Bran.
His morning routine: raisn' barn.
* * *
In Shakespeare's day, horsemen had a saying: "To ride or not to ride... that is equestrian."
* * *
I was shocked to find out that my dad is gay. It was double distressing to learn that my other dad is also gay.
* * *
Just in case he was sentenced to death, Jeffery Dahmer had picked out a last meal. He sent out for 5 Guys.
* * *
Back when I lived on a houseboat, I dated the girl who lived in the houseboat next door. But over time we drifted apart.
* * *
Q: What is the most athletic kind of Pokemon?
A: A Crobat.
* * *
Getting executed's not so tough! I could do it blindfolded!
* * *
The valedictorian of our school was arrested yesterday as an accessory to murder. His yearbook did say that he was highly accompliced.
* * *
I work at a factory that manufactures safety mats. Better jobs may come my way eventually, but this is something I can fall back on.
* * *
A termite walks into a saloon and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
* * *
I've been investing in stocks lately... beef stocks, chicken stocks, vegetable stocks. If I keep it up, one day I may become a bouillonare.
* * *
Q: King Arthur unified Britain. Sir Galahad found the Holy Grail. What did Sir Cumference do?
A: He designed the Round Table.
* * *
I was afraid I'd lost one of my dad's old topographical maps, but found it again right before he was due to come home. It was one of his most valuable ones, too. What a relief!
* * *
Q: New York's nickname is the Big Apple, but which city is called the Small Apple?
A: Minneapolis, of course.
* * *
I collect albino pets... a snow white cat, a snow white raccoon, a snow white tarantula, a snow white ball python, etc. Every night I put them into a giant-sized crate for safe keeping. There it is in the corner... the biggest box of animal crackers on earth!
Detectives have been stymied by the Mystery of the Missing Lice. It has them all scratching their heads.
* * *
My girlfriend is like fine wine... I have her locked in the cellar until she's was old enough to enjoy.
* * *
"I bought a Rabbit Hunting video game last week in which I play as Elmer Fudd."
"Is it any good?"
"Well, it still has plenty of Bugs."
* * *
My blond wife won't have her toenails done at the salon since she learned they use emery boards. She says she won't have anything to do with pedifiles.
* * *
Al Sharpton isn't very glib for a guy who's supposed to be a spokesman. A lot of the time he sounds like he's half in the bag, daddy.
* * *
My vegan girlfriend and I get along perfectly. We've never had a beef.
* * *
Everyone picked on Tiny Tim, but it was his fault. He didn't stand up for himself.
* * *
I've invented a new color; it's just a hair brighter than chartreuse. My art teacher is really impressed with it! He says it's sublime!
* * *
Hitler never should have held the Nuremberg Rally outside; he got caught in a heil storm.
* * *
Q: What's the difference between a drunken Yank and a sober Brit?
A: None at all. They both drive on the left side of the road.
* * *
The insect world leaders put their heads together, trying to decide how best to make money off the human race. The carpenter ants had a plan: since they were expert builders, they figured they could make a killing with low cost homes. Alas, no people could be found who wanted to pay for their ant-sized dwellings. The bug consortium despaired of coming up with a popular product folks would be willing to pay for. But that's when they came up with plan bee. It was a honey of an idea!
* * *
My dad is a cross dresser. He gets real pissed off when he can't find his socks.
* * *
Tradition: it's peer pressure from dead people.
* * *
My uncle has a very specialized job: he studies mosquito swarms. It's a niche profession.
* * *
Q: How do you tell the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
A: Find out which one of them knows.
* * *
I'm a very driven individual. Since I don't own a car, I have to take Uber and Lyft everywhere.
* * *
Never seek support from a horse. They're all neigh-sayers.
* * *
My wife's leaving me. She says that all I do is lie around the house watching westerns on TV. Well, that's fine with me. This town ain't big enough for the two of us.
* * *
Doctor: "These test results are puzzling. It says here that your DNA is backwards."
Patient: "And?"
* * *
Q: What happens after you die?
A: A lot of stuff that has nothing to do with you.
* * *
Ireland is a close neighbor to Iceland. It's only a sea away.
* * *
An obviously inebriated man is stopped by a cop as he stumbles down the street and 2:00 AM.
"And just where do you think you're going?" the policeman growls.,
"My good sir," the drunk replies, "I am on my way to an enlightening lecture about the virtues of piety and abstinence."
"Really?" muses the cop. "And who would be delivering a lecture at this hour?"
A secretary at the office asked if I'd be interested in swinging with her and a second girl. Jesus, who needs a threesome! If I wanted to see two disappointed faces, I'd have dinner with my parents!
* * *
Last night, a bunch of lab monkeys escaped their cage and broke into a fireworks factory. This morning, the whole town was covered with Rhesus pieces.
* * *
This weekend I quit smoking cold turkey. Three of them should be more than enough for Thanksgiving dinner.
* * *
Despite all the unintentional confusion he's created, we really ought to cut the inventor of auto-correct some slack. I'm sure he meant we'll.
* * *
My wife and I had a huge argument about which of us would take care of the laundry. In the end, it was me that folded.
* * *
Tom Brady is a perplexing sports figure. On the one hand, he has five Super Bowl rings... but on the other hand, he has only one.
* * *
I once swallowed too much Viagra and got an erection that lasted for six hours. Doctors say that can be dangerous; I wasn't concerned, but my wife took it hard.
* * *
Seoul is an okay city, but Dublin is twice as good. And there's another city three times better: Tripoli.
* * *
Ever since PG&E started randomly turning off the electricity in California, I've become obsessed with getting enough supplies to last through multiple blackouts. I've been buying up bottled water, battery operated lanterns, food that doesn't have to be cooked and anything else I can think of. I ought to feel enraged at the utility, but I don't... guess I've developed stock home syndrome.
* * *
Q: Does James Bond ride a horse using stirrups?
A: No. He prefers shaken-ups.
* * *
Väinämöinen, epic hero of the Kalavala myths, must have been the ancestor of Popeye. We know this because he was strong to the Finnish.
* * *
"Why do wild elephants wear yellow hats?"
"I really couldn't say."
"It's camouflage so they blend right in with our local mustard fields."
"Hey, this is California! No one's ever seen wild elephants in the United States!"
"I know! That's how well they work!"
* * *
My wife is currently carrying our first male child. It's a humiliating spectacle... eighteen year olds can walk perfectly well on their own.
* * *
Q: How do white supremacists celebrate their birthdays?
A: With cake, cake, cake!
* * *
My wife calls me a hopeless drunk, but that doesn't keep me from sleeping like a baby... pooping and pissing myself all night long and waking up only long enough to scream for another bottle.
* * *
He: "If it wasn't for your partial deafness, you'd be the perfect woman! In fact, you're an eight on a scale of ten!"
She: "Now why the hell would you want me to do that?"
He: "Huh? Do what?"
She: "You just said it: urinate on a skeleton!"
* * *
Most dairy cattle have the standard four teats per udder; all the ones I own have seven. You'd think that Guinness World Records would be interested in them, but says they're nothing special. That's because they lactate.
* * *
Q: Which musical instrument is worth a thousand dollars exactly?
A: The grand piano.
* * *
I was afraid I might have broken my leg when I stumbled over that Kleenex box last night, but happily there was only tissue damage.
* * *
Math texts are the saddest books in the library. They have nothing but problems.
* * *
If you're going to become a mathematician, stay away from alcohol. Employers won't tolerate a worker who drinks and derives.
* * *
Each and every passenger on a certain transatlantic flight joined the Mile-High Club. It was one of the most massive fuck-ups in airline history.
I tried to type the word "fuck", but it came out as "duck". Damn auto-correct! I can't stand fowl language!
* * *
This year the kids are going to decorate the Christmas tree. It's a lot cheaper than buying ornaments and tinsel.
* * *
I recently read about a secretary who could use two different typewriters to compose two separate letters at the exact same time. Immediately, I assumed the office worker was a woman; that's to be expected when you stereotype.
* * *
Santa's elves left their positions at the conveyor belts and went out on strike. He therefore called in the Avengers. Avengers assemble!
* * *
I did something at my last party that made my guests throw up. I placed the dart board on the ceiling.
* * *
It's a sad fact that kids in school are getting fatter and fatter. Teachers are blaming rampant drug use... it's a common cause of wide pupils.
* * *
My poor brother never really understood Russian Roulette. He tried to play it with an automatic pistol.
* * *
That kid from "The Sixth Sense" could perceive things other than recent murder victims; he was also haunted by all the drowned accident victims from the Titanic. That's how the movie came up with its most famous line: "Icy dead people!"
* * *
I've discovered a whole number that's greater than five but lower than six! High fives all around!
* * *
Produce clerk: "You want me to grab that guy on aisle 9 for stealing just because he's atypical?! Geez, we could get sued for that!"
Produce manager: "Clean your ears out, Fred! I said he just ate a pickle!"
* * *
I'm no racist! I think all people should be considered equal, be they black, brown, yellow or normal!
* * *
Most pool tables are green. You would be too if you had your balls racked regularly.
* * *
My wife says to stop driving our family car. She says the model's been recalled. Shows you how little faith she has... a couple of bad breaks never stopped me!
* * *
Underdog's girlfriend Polly Purebred may seem simple and demure, but that's probably a front. Word is she's into ruff sex.
* * *
Progressive Insurance attracts a very laid-back clientele. It appeals to those who want to go with the Flo.
* * *
Q: How did Gilbert and Sullivan get to the theater?
A: By way of da oily cart.
* * *
Cops are investigating the murder of a young blond housebreaker. They say the suspects did it with their bear hands.
* * *
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll sit around in a boat all day drinking beer.
* * *
Kangaroos never make it to the second course at Outback. They're committed more-soupials.
* * *
Q: Which birds fly only in pairs?
A: Only toucan.
* * *
Number 4 asked number 5 out on a date, but she doesn't find him attractive at all. He's just too square.
* * *
Sure, I backed my car into the front of some guy's truck, but I don't understand why he's mad. It said right there on the grill: "Ram".
Q: What does The Rock do after he drinks four gallons of water?
A: Dwayne Johnson.
* * *
I went to a big stadium to watch the greyhounds race. Lousy false advertising! I didn't see a single bus on the track!
* * *
Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than my house?
A: No. Kangaroos jump only 6 feet high; my house jumped over $10,000 in equity last year.
* * *
Hear about the bull who bought a bad car? He lost his steering and had to hoof it.
* * *
One of my kids, who will remain nameless, annoyed the hell out of me this morning. He kept whining that I should give him a name.
* * *
Hotel Rwanda got a great Rotten Tomato score. On Yelp, not so good.
* * *
"My aunt's Zodiac sign was Cancer. Cruelly ironic, considering the way she died."
"Don't me that she... "
"Yep. She was attacked by a giant crab."
* * *
Both my brother and I are underwear artists. We're a pair of drawers.
* * *
Q: Which Central European nation was founded by a circus clown?
A: Chuckles-slovakia
* * *
The US really ought to send foreign aid to Venice. I hear that the streets are flooded.
* * *
"Avengers Endgame" is unwatchable by vegans... way too much at steak.
* * *
My wife and I named both of our twin girls Catherine. We consider them dupli-Kates.
* * *
When beekeepers buy replacements, the tenth drone is always complimentary. That's one of the profession's perks: loads of free bees!
* * *
As my project for the Science Fair, I made a miniature atom bomb. School security wasn't happy, but the judges were blown away!
* * *
The big new trend in fast food is trying to turn plants into hamburger meat. It's so unnecessary when you think about it: cows have been doing that all along.
* * *
When my toddler was in the bathroom, he pulled a full bottle of baby shampoo off the shelf and it knocked him square on the head. No More Tears my ass!
* * *
Q: What did Gandalf do when the eagles arrived to rescue him from Isengard?
A: Fly, you fools.
* * *
I'm the very first art school student to invent a brand new color! The teacher is so impressed with my creativity; he says it's a pigment of my imagination!
* * *
Men who work in metal foundries are notorious for creating bad odors. According to the well known phrase, whoever smelt it dealt it.
* * *
My next-door neighbor just got busted for growing marijuana. Evidently the property line isn't exactly where I thought it was.
* * *
Q: How well did Prince Andrew handle his recent interview?
A: Hey, no sweat!
* * *
Pediatrician: "Mrs. Smith, does your daughter always stutter like that?"
Mrs. Smith: "Oh no, not always. Only when she tries to speak
I can't get my brand new pistol to fire. Guess I better call in a troubleshooter.
* * *
Pacman may seem to be a hero, but think about it: he steals cookies then runs from an angry mob, occasionally turning on them and killing them. No wonder the game never ends... it's a vicious circle.
* * *
During WWII, the Japanese military kidnapped thousands of females from captured territories and turned them into "comfort women". Talk about your war atrocities! That act was whorrifying!
* * *
I cried because I had no girlfriend till I met a man who had no hands.
* * *
Let's hope Trump has nothing snarky to say about the new Tesla Cybertruck. In the current political climate, it could become a wedge issue.
* * *
"What a miracle it was! My wife delivered our daughter exactly on my birthday!"
"That really is amazing! Do you plan to have any more?"
"God, I hope so! I'm not ready to die just yet!"
* * *
When I was a kid, there was no better hiding place on our ranch than the old barn. My dad used to take me out there regularly for a good hiding.
* * *
"Hey dad, look at that wiener dog out on the jetty!"
"That's a dock, son."
* * *
I'm sick of working as a female impersonator. Frankly, it's a real drag.
* * *
Casual Spongebob fans may assume that Bikini Bottom is a made-up place, but I'm here to tell you that it's real. It's located just north of Thighland.
* * *
The Frankenstein monster must be feeling his age. You'll hear him complaining that he isn't the men he used to be.
* * *
I heard a baby bawling in a hot car and instinctively threw a rock at the window to shatter the glass. What I hadn't noticed was that the window had been rolled down; on the plus side, the tyke did stop crying.
* * *
"I understand that your mom's in the hospital being tested for cervical cancer."
"What?! No, no! The only one of my family being treated right now is my father. He's in critical condition after falling off his motorcycle."
"Oh, sorry. All I'd heard was that there'd been a pap smear."
* * *
President Trump isn't making much progress in the China Trade Talks. There just isn't any mutual agreement... so far it's been a lot of he said, Xi said.
* * *
I finally quit pinching pennies and opted to spring for some of that triple-ply, ultra-cushy toilet paper. It cost a lot more, but on the hole it's paid off.
* * *
Nobody wants to work as a doorman. It's too easy to become unhinged.
* * *
At long last I got myself a wife! If her husband wants her back unharmed, he better come up with that ransom money.
* * *
Hear about the convenience store robber who struck only at midnight or noon? He wanted to ensure that all hands would be up.
* * *
My vacuum cleaner died just as I was finally able to get to operate properly. I can't decide if it bit the dust either too soon or too late.
* * *
I've always found the concept of Batman pretty outlandish. But just to be on the safe side, I shot the kid too.
* * *
A guy who got a complete face transplant had the whole thing come loose when he tried to blow his new nose. Worst case of tissue rejection ever!
* * *
My wife says that my sexual performance is breathtaking! I'm sure you can imagine how I feel: it's so damned difficult to become aroused while she's wearing that oxygen mask.
No one wants to fly on Virgin Airlines. They never go all the way.
* * *
All my friends claim that I never think of anything but baseball. Man, are they off base!
* * *
There's a new heavy metal band on the scene. The lead guitarist's name is Palladium.
* * *
My agent says I'll never make it as a male porn star; too many shortcomings.
* * *
See that nature documentary about beavers last night? Best dam show on TV!
* * *
Would it surprise you to learn that the mob sent me to rub out a squealer, but when we met up I prevented him from drowning? Yep, it's true... shot him in the back while he was face down in a mud puddle.
* * *
It's a good thing Santa checked his list twice. Otherwise he'd have fallen off the roof.
* * *
My sister wants to marry a hospital technician. I fully support her choice; she says he's an ultra sound guy.
* * *
By tradition, each ballistic-missile submarine has a ship's cat aboard. Such pets are, after all, weapons of mice destruction.
* * *
I stumbled while walking through the parking lot and fell right on my rear. My wife calls me an idiot, but my brain's not to blame: it was the asphalt.
* * *
Captain Kirk has an odd craving; he's addicted to Italian pastry. You may even have heard him when he was particularly hungry: "Beam me up biscotti!"
* * *
I do illustrations for science texts and have just completed a fine sketch of a skinned haddock, one which reveals all the underlying musculature. It's considerably smaller than the actual fish; remember, this isn't a full scale drawing.
* * *
When Goldilocks got upstairs, she knew the family whose home she'd invaded was dysfunctional. It was quite troubling to her that Mama and Papa bear didn't sleep in the same bed.
* * *
"Damn, I just cut off my finger!"
"What, the whole finger?"
"No no no... the one right next to it."
* * *
It's a good thing there are sponges in the ocean; otherwise there'd be no dry land at all.
* * *
I hear that cartoonist Charles Schulz was a millionaire. How is that possible when he was working for peanuts?
* * *
You've heard about Rudolph the Brown Nose Reindeer, right? He could fly just as fast as the rest of the team, but never figured out what the word "Whoooa!" meant.
* * *
I was afraid the girl I was dating might be disgusted by my strange sex fetish, but I'm delighted to report she's into it! I'm so glad to have gotten off on the right foot!
* * *
Q: There's a the famous American whistleblower who can't leave Moscow. How come?
A: That's because he's Snowden.
* * *
The Neanderthals became extinct because they were a bunch of party dudes. It shows you the risks when your only interest is clubbing.
* * *
My doctor says I have an autoimmune disease. What a stupid diagnosis! I had to drive to get to the hospital didn't I?
* * *
Carrots are supposed to be good for your eyes, but I opted for Vodka instead. Reports are that it doubles your vision.
Congress never seems to hear our voice... maybe 'cause they concentrate so much on ayes and noes.
* * *
My young son's developed ADD. You'd think that would compromise his test scores, but surprisingly he's become really good at math.
* * *
When I was young, I never went to school. My mom taught me how to count, but not very well: 1, 2, 3, 5, 6 and so on. My dad would say, "With those skills, you'll never become a mathematics professor." It was a foregone conclusion.
* * *
Q: How much does a pirate pay for corn?
A: Nothing. Where'd you get the idea that pirates pay for anything?
* * *
We tend to think of Jesus as austere and chaste, but I've just learned that he was super popular with the ladies. I'm not sure why, but I suspect it had something to do with his famous second coming.
* * *
No point in asking a shepherd how many girlfriends he has. He's sure to fall asleep.
* * *
My brother told me recently that he makes his living as something called a confidence man. He must not be very good at it... he's always asking me for money.
* * *
He: "Can I buy you a drink?"
She: "No thanks. I don't touch alcohol. It's bad for my legs."
He: "Really! Does it cause them to swell up?"
She: "No. It causes them to spread."
* * *
At work, my boss is getting sick and tired of our slovenly attitudes. He says he's going to fire the next employee who displays poor posture. I don't know for sure which of us will get the ax, but I've got a strong hunch.
* * *
Stumped about what to get your noisy nephew for Christmas? Try this suggestion: a broken drum set! Now there's a gift that can't be beat!
* * *
She: "I asked Junior to pick me up one bunch of asparagus at the grocery store, but he came back with two. I wonder why."
He: "Hmmm... I'm not sure. The second's just a spare, I guess."
* * *
My wife told me that she'd like a fancy ring for her birthday. Well, I can take a hint... I immediately booked two seats at the next Wrestlemania!
* * *
Q: Who received the first Nobel Prize?
A: The inventor of the knock-knock joke.
* * *
Baby corn #1: "Hey, I haven't seen your mom around lately."
Baby corn #2: "No, not since her sex change operation."
Baby corn #1: "Sex change operation?"
Baby corn #2: "Yeah, the farmer picked her to become a pop."
* * *
I recently caught my girlfriend using a needle to poke holes in my condom. I was distressed, naturally; couldn't she have done that before I put it on?
* * *
For years now, Dr. Pepper has come in cans. Evidently he has a tin fetish.
* * *
I alarmed our pastor when I told him that I believed only about 12 percent of the events in the Bible to be true. Now he considers me an eighth theist.
* * *
Waiter: "What will it be tonight, sir?"
Restaurant patron: "Well, whatever the lady at the next table's eating looks delicious! I'll have that!"
Waiter: "I'll inquire, sir. But I'm pretty sure she intends to finish it herself."
* * *
My therapist tells me that I have a lot of trouble interpreting social cues. God, I wish she'd quit hitting on me!
* * *
With its rampant bum explosion and constant power outages, some pundits have compared the state of California to the Titanic. That doesn't seem very apt: the Titanic crew managed to keep the lights on while it sank.
* * *
Q: What did Obi-Wan say when he learned that Anikin and Padme had gotten married?
A: "May divorce be with you!"
* * *
The staff at Webster's Dictionary has displayed their wokeness by selecting the word "they" as word of the year. They did this because they claim its gender neutral. Well, they're dead wrong about that. Any time you use the word "they", "he" will always be there.
I've never forgotten the first time I met my wife. Maybe hypno-therapy will help.
* * *
The man who invented the television was initially terribly disappointed. After all that work, there wasn't anything on the air worth watching.
* * *
My sister is annoyed because her birthday is so close to Christmas that people tend to be shopped out and her gift count gets compromised. Makes me appreciate just how pissed off Jesus must have been.
* * *
"My brother's a coin collector and he told me something interesting. Did you know that 1968 pennies can be worth almost $20.00?"
"Doesn't surprise me at all. Add 32 more, and they'd be worth exactly $20.00."
* * *
In school, they used to tell ya that "going number one" meant taking a pee. Well I'm here ta tell ya that it don't mean shit!
* * *
"Panda" is the one of the easiest animal names to spell. You just use P and A.
* * *
However much you may enjoy this year's Christmas gifts, just remember that Santa's will always be better. Being the spirit of the season, he has to be might careful how he presents himself.
* * *
I thought my blond fiance would be angry when I told her that I just wasn't a kid person, but she wasn't upset at all. She said that she always planned to marry a grown-up.
* * *
Ever seen the Oxygen/Magnesium reaction? OMG!
* * *
Captain Kirk recommended the the man to replace him as captain of the Enterprise, but then died because of him. He was hoist with his own Picard.
* * *
I don't know what to make of my new French hairstyle. My barber recommended it; he said it would give me an air of je ne sais coiffe.
* * *
Two Jehovah's Witnesses die and go to Heaven.
"Greetings!" states St. Peter as he opens the Pearly Gates.
"Hello!" the first of the newcomers pipes up jovially: "Have you heard the good news?"
* * *
I was so embarrassed to be playing with toy train sets that I took great pains to conceal them carefully when they're not in use. Unfortunately, I hid them so well that I can't find them myself now... I was way too good at covering my tracks.
* * *
You've heard about Dr. Pepper, of course. He's the nation's leading fizzician.
* * *
All my blood tests came back positive. I'm so relieved: the doctors finally found out I still have blood!
* * *
Next year, we're going to have twelve months of bad puns about perfect vision. I can see it so clearly...
* * *
I just lost my job as zookeeper. In my defense, every sign I saw at work read "Please don't feed the animals".
* * *
Hear about the dyslexic video game character who was so near to death that he swallowed a whole vial of red elixir? It was his final option.
* * *
I feel like such and idiot! For 6 months, Dwayne Johnson had the apartment right above mine and I never knew it! I feel like I've been living under a rock!
* * *
Man with cataracts: "Magic 8 Ball, I have to know! Will my vision ever get any better?"
Orange: "........."
* * *
My dad's brother is the least hip member of our family. All us kids call him uncool.
* * *
Donald Trump: "The Democrats keeps identifying me as the color orange. Well, that may have been true once... but after this week, I'm peach."
I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas, and she told me that nothing would make her happier than a brand new car. Well, I'd planned to buy her a Porsche, but her stated preference was a heck of a lot cheaper!
* * *
Doctor: "It's time for a complete physical examination, you strapping, virile man. So, please strip off all your clothes."
Patient: "Okay, doc. What should I do with my pants?"
Doctor: "You can hang 'em right alongside mine."
* * *
Q: Do hermits like cheese?
A: Certainly. They often eat prov-alone.
* * *
Cannibal # 1: "So, what do you think of this Olympic athlete?"
Cannibal #2: "Not much. Way too gamey."
* * *
My wife just told me that she's pregnant with our 15th child. What a great kidder she is!
* * *
She: "Hey honey, great news! I'm pregnant with another child!"
He: "Jesus, you're kiddin' me."
She: "Nope! I'm hoping for a petite little girl! What are you hoping it is?"
He: "A big fat lie."
* * *
Most college kids get help from mommy and daddy paying for expenses, but not me! I earned my MA by working as a sperm donor! Paid for my entire tuition single-handedly!
* * *
A new driving service has just been created expressly for chubby folks. They're calling it Fork Lyft.
* * *
This year for Christmas, I got something special: a farmer living 50 miles away found my lost pony, which had nearly frozen solid in the snow, and returned her to me unharmed. It was a Christmas mare-icle!
* * *
There once was an Old West badman so poor that he stole roll after roll of paper towels from the general store just so he could get himself a hat. Not surprisingly, he had a bounty on his head.
* * *
My nephew is a pyromaniac, so naturally he got coal in his stocking this Christmas. I hate to criticize Santa, but but I really don't think that helped the situation.
* * *
"I believe that the most important thing in life is change."
"Well, that certainly makes cents."
* * *
I got my disabled uncle a prosthetic leg for Christmas. It was the perfect stocking stuffer!
* * *
Men are demonstrably sexier than women. You can't spell "sexy" without XY!
* * *
I become uncontrollably furious when I see the numbers 2, 3, 5, 7 and 11. Experts call it primal rage.
* * *
Q: How many letters are there in "Christmas"?
A: Must be 25. Noel!
* * *
Donald knew exactly what Mickey was getting him for Christmas. Sometimes I don't think he's a normal duck; I suspect he's really a Peking Duck.
* * *
British royal feasts were rumored to have been followed by severe bouts of flatulence. History bears this out; note that the line of kings has been dominated by Tooters and Windsers.
* * *
Superman really ought to be fighting cybercrime. I can't think of anyone more familiar with Krypto currency.
* * *
My fool aunt got a meat slicer for Christmas and accidentally sat on the damn thing. Just what you'd expect: dis-assed her!
* * *
An optimist sees the glass as half full.
A pessimist sees the glass as half empty.
A mother smacks them both for putting a leaky glass on her good oak dining table.
* * *
Twenty-five letters in the alphabet got coal in their stocking this Christmas. Too bad for them they were not E.
When I donated one kidney, they called me a hero. When I donated a second kidney, they called it miraculous. But when I donated a third kidney, they called the cops!
* * *
Your tongue and your upper palate are close partners in determining how to perceive flavor. Matter of fact, you could call them taste buds.
* * *
For years, I've been working on a theory of anti-gravity. Unfortunately, it just won't hold up.
* * *
First rule of Mime Club: you don't talk about Mime Club.
* * *
The Sierra Club has started an endowment to provide mosquito netting for all beds in Malaria-ridden countries. Hopes are that it will prevent billions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly.
* * *
One of my most vivid childhood memories is of me making a really fancy sandcastle with my grandpa. I'll never forget the horrified faces of the people at the crematorium.
* * *
Before she became famous, Dolly Parton was discovered working at an ice cream parlor. She was plenty good at her job, too; she really knew how to make her milkshake.
* * *
I've always enjoyed tracking game, so it's no surprise that I've developed an intense interest in hunting dogs. They taste even better than venison!
* * *
Q: Why did the turtle cross the road?
A: Hard to say. He hasn't made it yet.
* * *
My girlfriend tells me that she wants to see other men. What a dummy! If I was agreeable to that, I wouldn't have chained her up in the basement!
* * *
In the beginning, God made the Heaven and the Earth. After that, everything was made in China.
* * *
Learning semaphore is a confusing discipline: I didn't start making any progress until I began to flag.
* * *
The more people drink, the louder they become. But then I always have heard that alcohol is measured by volume.
* * *
The rain was so bad at our last football game, the coach sent me is as a sub.
* * *
When asked, Professor Moriarty said that Sherlock Holmes was a tremendous dick. It's hard to say if he meant it as an insult or a compliment.
* * *
Me and my Siamese twin are taking a trip to England. I figured it was about time he got to drive for awhile.
* * *
Is it true that when Emperor Palpatine gets hemorrhoids he takes a Sith's bath?
* * *
Jack Black just accepted a small movie role in which he spends all his time in the bathroom. He supplies the comedy relief.
* * *
Q: Where did Darth Maul get his fancy face decorations?
A: On Tatooine.
* * *
A young man who lost his vision has just had a new pair of eyes implanted. Unfortunately for the poor guy, the surgeon got drunk earlier in the day and grafted the new tissue onto the back of his head. He now has 20/20 hindsight.
* * *
Horatia Nelson may have lost an arm in the battle of Santa Cruz, but he got even for it in his next campaign. His opponent was totally de-feeted.
* * *
I thought I'd get a car for Christmas this year. Damn it... I completed misunderstood when I overheard my folks say they were buying me a toy Yoda.
A waitress will never be happy when she sees cattle at her table. She knows how much they hate tipping.
* * *
My wife, a plant fancier, attended the World Bonsai Convention. She went there to exchange pleasant trees.
* * *
"Officer, why are you giving me a ticket?"
"Because you flew right through that intersection."
"But the light was with me!"
"That doesn't matter. You still can't take an airplane on city streets."
* * *
I don't bother with condoms... in my opinion, properly employed prayer can prevent pregnancy. Some may be confused about this, but I think it's pretty easy to conceivable.
* * *
A tomato is technically a fruit. That makes ketchup technically a smoothie.
* * *
A green-skinned Martian saunters into a bar and orders a beer.
"Sure... " the bartender says, slack jawed. "Uh... that'll be ten bucks."
The Mars man sits quietly sipping his brew; the barkeep just can't get over the novelty of his visitor.
"Gotta tell ya, " he says at last, "I've never seen a Martian before."
"Yeah," the Martian replies sourly. "At these prices, I'm not surprised."
* * *
There's a lot of disbelief concerning Jeffrey Epstein's suicide. Even Trump thinks it's fake noose.
* * *
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Door mom."
"Door mom who?"
"Door mom who, I've come to bargain."
* * *
A woman was accused of cutting off her boyfriend's nuts when she caught him cheating. He was a principal witness at her trial; people in the gallery sat horrified at his teste moany.
* * *
After my last suicide attempt, my family told me I should get help. Well, talk is cheap... not a single one of them would show me how to tie a proper noose.
* * *
Vlad Dracula, the Romanian prince, was said to have a ruddy complexion. The same could not be said for his half-pint brother, Vlad the Imp. I understand he was a little paler.
* * *
Last week I got some kind of fever. It was very basic; my cat made it from scratch.
* * *
Wisconsin lunatic Ed Gein was infamous for digging up corpses and using bits of them to decorate his home. Most of the bodies he brought home were females, but remains hanging from the top of one of his window frames proved to be those of men. By checking cemetery records, authorities were able to determine their names: Curt 'n' Rod.
* * *
"These screwed-up school kids and their guns! Don't they know it's impossible cure a depression through violence?"
"Yeah? Try telling that to the US after WW II."
* * *
When jalapenos first sprout, you'll frequently see the young plants shivering. That's perfectly normal; each one is just a little chili.
* * *
I try to live by the old proverb "An apple a day keeps the doctor away". But last week I ran out and had to use rocks instead.
* * *
Men and dogs may be best friends, but there are considerable differences. For instance, when a man gets up in the morning, he gets completely dressed; a dog, just pants.
* * *
I recently learned about this kids' bedtime story in which a young boy learns to communicate with vegetables. Sounds pretty progressive; the title is "Jack and the Beans Talk."
* * *
My young daughter's name sounded a lot like "Siri"; every time I addressed her, somebody's iPhone would answer. Fortunately, I soon wised up and changed her name to Alexa,
* * *
Hear about the nervous arborist? He specializes in sweaty palms.
* * *
I'm not worried in the least about Global Warning. If things get too bad, we can always correct it with Nuclear Winter.
* * *
Wife: "You've got to do something about my husband, doctor! For the past two years, he's been convinced he's a dog."
Psychiatrist: "I'm sure I can help. Just have him lie down on this couch."
Patient: "Sorry. He's not allowed on the furniture."
My name is Dr. Moreau. In my remote island laboratory, I used my DNA to alter lower creatures into human-animal hybrids. My colleagues call me a monster, but that doesn't stop me from feeling pride in my work... for the most part. To be honest, I'm rather ashamed of moose-self.
* * *
Doctor: "How are your hemorrhoids doing today, Mr. Johnson?"
Patient: "They just swell!"
* * *
I have male performance issues. No one in the theater likes my portrayal of Hamlet.
* * *
Not many fans know this, but the story for George Lucas's epic space fantasy was actually swiped from a 19th century Russian novel. But then, even most scholars have never heard of "Tsar Wars".
* * *
My wife has accused me of abusing drugs. That's ridiculous! I love drugs!
* * *
Q: "Where does a soda jerk learn his trade?
A: In Sundae School.
* * *
I bought four haunches of venison meat off a local hunter for $40.00. Is that too dear?
* * *
Sweet dreams: you hug your teddy bear before drifting off to sleep.
Nightmare: your teddy bear hugs you back.
* * *
My wife has a good nose for wine. It's shaped like a corkscrew.
* * *
Werewolf Larry Talbot found himself to be irritable, subject to mood swings and prone to bouts of violent rage. Small wonder; it was that time of the month.
* * *
When I was a kid, I could buy 100 gumballs for a dime! Really though, I only wanted 10 percent.
* * *
A penis and a rooster share a common nickname.That's understandable; they're both up before dawn.
* * *
My wife always serves my dinner cold. Yep, she really puts her heart into it!
* * *
Before his company became big, Orville Redenbacher was accused of bribing government officials for business considerations. It was a prime example of corny capitalism.
* * *
If your pooch starts running a temperature, you should immediately apply a mustard plaster. There's nothing better than mustard on a hot dog!
* * *
Bono's wife: "I'll think about you every day when you're out on tour!"
Bono: "I'll think about U2."
* * *
All great white sharks have pinkish tissue in their mouths, right between their teeth. It's technically known as "slow swimmers".
* * *
A blonde will laugh at a joke three times: (a) when the joke is first told; (b) after it's explained to her; and (c) a week later, once she gets the punchline.
* * *
Not all chemical ingredients are ferocious enough to get stains out of clothing... only those made by Procter and Gamble. They're fit to be Tide.
* * *
It shouldn't surprise anyone that Dwayne Johnson can't read the New York Times. We all know that paper beats Rock.
* * *
"So... I hear you had sex with my girlfriend."
"Hey, man, you got the wrong person."
"You saying you didn't sleep with her?"
"What I'm saying is you need a different girlfriend."
Little Bo Peep may have lost her sheep in August, but at least Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
* * *
Both my wife and I have foot fetishes. She's my solemate.
* * *
Hear about the baby frog whose foster parents were hares? He spent his whole life croaking, " ... rabbit... rabbit... "
* * *
When I went on a Caribbean cruise I figured it would improve my mental outlook, but the weather turned out to be terrible. Just what I wasn't hoping for: a tropical depression.
* * *
Arnold Schwarzenegger works as an actor, but for awhile there in the early 2000s he had a different job. Some called him Governor of California, but I chose to think of him as an exterminator.
* * *
My cousin builds tiny little remote-control airplanes. These things are incredibly small, about half the size of fruit flies. He thinks there could be a big market for them, but I just can't see them taking off.
* * *
"How do you wipe your butt in the bathroom?"
"I use my right hand."
"How unsanitary! You really ought to use toilet paper."
* * *
A neighborhood farmer surrounded his boundary fence with cockleburs so that any landing crows would get stuck there. This works about half the time. Good crows always fly away unscathed; it's only effective on evil crows.
* * *
History tells us that J. R. R. Tolkien was married. I don't see how that can be true when he made such a good batch o' lore.
* * *
My terminally ill uncle, the practical joker, swallowed a whole bag of popcorn kernels before he passed away. He wanted one last big laugh for at the folks who run the crematorium.
* * *
If you should lock yourself out of your car, don't panic. Just speak to it calmly and rationally. Remember: communication is the key.
* * *
The Chinese calendar says that 2020 is the year of the Rat. Damn it! I'm still writing Pig on all my checks!
* * *
Q: What do gang members eat for breakfast?
A: Rice Cripsies.
* * *
For my role in a community theater production, I'm supposed to play a Spanish gentleman. The director told me to go home and practice rolling my "r"s. Well, it isn't easy perfecting that accent. My wife's been mocking me the whole time; she's been constantly rolling her "i"s.
* * *
Dad: "Is is true you were expelled from school today?!"
Son: "Hey, you should be proud a' me! You always said it was good to take a stand on principal!"
* * *
My wife used to gripe that my underwear wasn't exciting enough, so I bought some with zebra stripes and leopard spots. Now she complains it's too gamey.
* * *
Q: Do football receivers feel happy or sad after big wins?
A: Sad. During the game, they generally get a touch down.
* * *
My dad just doesn't understand how the modern world works. When I told him it was time to reboot his computer, he immediately took it to Famous Footwear.
* * *
The scientific community hasn't found a solution for the climate crisis yet, but it's definitely getting warmer.
* * *
My wife's making chicken pot pie. Great! Three of my favorite things!
* * *
Did you know there isn't a single canary on the Canary Islands? Same is true for the Virgin Islands. No canaries there, either.
* * *
I bought a smoke detector for the kitchen. I did this as a courtesy to my wife... her voice has become too raspy to call me in for dinner.
