Official TT Jokes Thread - Read and Post your Jokes Here!

Low_Roads · Aug 3, 2018

[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]The road was blocked and I had to use an alternate route. Big mistake... it took me straight through Paris. It was detour de France.

* * *

Teacher: “This vehicle stops at many different locations. It has wheels, but also flies. What do we call it?”

Student: “I know, teacher! A garbage truck!”

* * *

I guess my ex approves of my foot fetish after all. In the plea agreement, she insists I maintain at least 50 of them.

* * *

Captain Nemo had his Labrador retriever onboard the Nautilus at all times. He found its bark soothing. This was the first recorded use of a sub-woofer.

* * *

I’m ashamed to admit it, but I fell for the old “Nigerian Prince” scam... thought I was paying for the original soundtrack to “Purple Rain”.

* * *

Glass slipper my eye! If Cinderella really wanted to make an impression, she’d have worn a glass dress.

* * *

My girlfriend wants me to go into dentistry. I, however, am determined to become a manicurist. It’s caused a great deal of consternation; we’ve been fighting tooth and nail.

* * *

So, you want a joke about a broken compass, eh? Sorry. I really don’t know where to go with this.

* * *

An out-of-work violinist got himself a gig at a strip club, but it didn’t last long. He spent too much time fiddling with the g-string.

* * *

When I was 10 years old, my dad sat me down and gave this advice: “Son, when the going gets tough, the tough get going!” I haven’t seen him since.

* * *

“What does an angel use to light a cigarette? A match made in Heaven!”

“I didn’t even know that cigarettes were allowed in Heaven! Holy smoke!”

* * *

My girlfriend is dependable as the morning newspaper. There’s a new issue every goddamned day.

* * *

She: “You’ve never had anything good to say about my relatives! You hate them all!”

He: “That’s not true. I like your mother-in-law better than I like my own.”

* * *

A lady traffic cop pulled me over yesterday. I rolled down my window and asked, “What’s wrong, officer?”

She replied, “Well if you don’t know, I’m certainly not going to tell you!”

* * *

Why did Steve Irwin approach the stingray?

He was eager for a manta-man talk.

* * *

Through special exercise and diligent effort, I’ve been able to increase my penis size to 21 inches. I thought my wife would be pleased; instead, this obsession has caused her to leave me. She just couldn’t stand it any longer.

* * *

Two chimpanzees traipse from water hole to water hole beneath the blazing sun of an African drought.

First chimpanzee: “Ooh ooh! Aah aah! Eee eee!”

Second chimpanzee: “Walk in the shade, jackass!”

* * *

I’m giving my grandpa a shoutout; it’s the only way he can hear me.

* * *

Blonde: “How come you’re impounding my car? The guy I collided with was on his cell phone! And he was drinking!”

Cop: “Yeah, but you’re allowed to do that when you’re relaxing on your lawn.”

* * *

I got thrown out of the movie theater for bringing my own food. You can hardly blame me... prices at the concession counter are outrageous. All the same, they had a point. The glow from the barbecue really was interfering with the show.

* * *

Word on the street is... YIELD.

* * *

I was eating at a diner yesterday, when the waitress suddenly blurted out, “Does anybody know CPR?”

“Hell yes!” I came back, “I know the whole damned alphabet!”

Best spontaneous joke ever! Everybody laughed... execpt this one damned humorless guy.[/FONT]

Low_Roads · Aug 10, 2018

[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]A baby zebra stood out in the rain so long, all his stripes were washed off. He didn’t get ill, but he is a little horse now.

* * *

Today, my daughter spoke her very first words to me: “Where the hell you been for the last 20 years?”

* * *

Customer: “I’d like to try on that dress in the window.”

Clerk: “You can if you like, ma’am. But you might be more comfortable in the dressing room.”

* * *

I complained to the dealership that bright sunlight was fading the paint job on my brand new car. The salesman told me to stick it where the sun don’t shine.

* * *

During a crisis, it’s customary to evacuate women and children first. That’s so the menfolk can work out a solution in peace and quiet.

* * *

My boss got frustrated and fired me from my job at the Unemployment Office. He said, “I can’t stand the sight of you any longer! Get out! And see you again tomorrow.”

* * *

A little Muslim boy gets separated from his mother in a department store. The manager approaches the sobbing child and assured him, “Don’t cry, sonny, we’ll soon find your mom. What does she look like?”

The tearful lad looks up at him and replies, “I have no damn idea!”

* * *

I’m not crazy about my job as a waiter, but it does put food on the table.

* * *

That ‘Avengers Infinity War’ movie was way too short; it was over in a snap.

* * *

My wife accused me of ruining her birthday party. I don’t know how that could be... I wasn’t even there.

* * *

I hear Lawrence Welk had identical twin daughters: Anna one, Anna two...

* * *

He: “I’ve decided we shouldn’t vaccinate the kids.”

She: “Are you serious?”

He: “You bet I am. Our doctor’s much more qualified to do it.”

* * *

I’d like to have become a Gregorian monk, but I never got the chants.

* * *

Waiter: “Donner, party of six.”

Customer: “There’s only five of us now. And we aren’t hungry anymore.”

* * *

I’ve been clearing wild-land for a landscaping company. I say I took down ten pine trees; my boss claims it was only nine. It’s a difference of a pinyon.

* * *

If you want a windbreak, try planting aspen trees. It’s a poplar choice.

* * *

Two convicted murders are scheduled to die on the same day. The warden comes before them to ask if they have any last requests.

The nearest convict says, “Please, sir... I’d like to hear ‘Achy Breaky Heart’ just one more time before I die.”

“Done,” replies the warden. “And for you, son?”

The second man stares fixedly and grates, “Please, sir... execute me first.”

* * *

I have a pet chameleon, but it never changes color. Perhaps it’s actually a chameleoff.

* * *

The sun decided to marry the moon. They’re basically happy, although they have had their ups and downs.

* * *

Sure, you can have some my black and white fabric this time. Just don’t make a habit of it.

* * *

I’m so proud of my newborn son! In the past 9 months, he’s really grown as a person.

* * *

Bank robber: “This is a holdup! Where’s the money?”

Teller: “ ... “

Bank robber: “I said where’s the money!”

Teller “ ... “

Bank robber: “Hey, what’s wrong with you?”

Penn: “Ha! He always does this!”[/FONT]

Low_Roads · Aug 17, 2018

[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]“Can the letters ‘s’ and ‘c’ make the same sound when it’s necessary?”

“Sure. Even when it’s ‘unnecessary’.”

* * *

I’ve noticed that the “c” in “scent” is silent. Or is it the “s”?

* * *

He: “I’m getting tired of the same sex positions. How about I stick it in here?”

She: “Absolutely not . That violates the penal code.”

* * *

My wife had me arrested for premature ejaculation. I was quickly discharged.

* * *

I stayed overnight at my girlfriend’s house and her father said he didn’t want us to sleep together. Too bad... a threesome would have been fun.

* * *

A prostitute was up on sex charges, so she got a pubic defender. He was working pro boner.

* * *

My girlfriend accused me of being the father of her unborn child. That meant a 9 month trial, followed by an 18 year sentence.

* * *

There’s no point in pursuing legal action if the empaneled are drawn from a pool of male porn stars. The jury will always be hung.

* * *

A boating dock was accused of serious crimes and scheduled for trial. It demanded a jury of its piers.

* * *

There are way too many bad legal puns in this thread. It’s time to give these jokes arrest.

* * *

A canine officer had to discover why all his police dog’s equipment had been stolen. Unfortunately, he had no leads.

* * *

An extortion victim didn’t know whether the accused or his identical twin brother had threatened to beat him. The case was ultimately dismissed as double jeopardy.

* * *

I’m attending a lecture on the value of spontaneous ejaculation. I thought I might have to dress up for it, but they say it’s perfectly okay to come in street clothes.

* * *

Remember when Elon Musk stuck one of his Teslas onboard a rocket launch? How could he possibly explain that?

Easy: cargo space.

* * *

Writer: “I need just the right word...”

Magician: “Try ‘presto’! That always does the trick!”

* * *

My cousin has become an advocate for bestiality. I think he’s heading down a rabbit hole.

* * *

She: “Here, honey! I cooked you a steak, extra rare with plenty of juice!”

He: “I like it! Well done!”

She: “Jesus, I just can’t do anything right! All you ever do is bitch!”

* * *

I went to a gym and lost 500 pounds, easy. This damn British trip is costing me a fortune.

* * *

I always thought that the propeller at the front of a plane was there to provide forward momentum; seems its actually purpose is to cool down the pilot. If it ever stops, you’re sure to see him sweat.

* * *

Christian motto: “Don’t get mad; get cross.”

* * *

I don’t know how clothiers invented the zipper. I suppose some overworked tailor came up with it on the fly

* * *

A vacuum cleaner salesman calls at a rural residence. The housewife answers the door, but before she can ask his business he pushes past her and empties a big bag of dust all over the floor.

“Ma’am,” he crows, “if my handy-dandy vacuum can’t clean up this mess completely, I’ll eat every ounce of that dust!”

The woman looks perplexed and asks, “And what about ketchup?”

“Ketchup?” he replies. “Sorry lady, I didn’t bring any.”

“You better get some then. We don’t have electricity in this house.”[/FONT]

Low_Roads · Aug 24, 2018

[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]The CIA has developed a micro mini-camera small enough to mount on a fly. This fly is then released onto a hostile army base, where the smell of feces attracts it to the latrine. In this way, agents can track the enemy’s every movement.

* * *

My mother’s younger sister is only 5 feet tall. She’s also a bit of a pain; instead of letting me hand her items from shelves, she insists that I lift her so she can get them herself. I’d humor her, but It would only be upping the ante.

* * *

“These files are a mess! Trying to find anything in here is like looking for a needle in a haystack!”

“Well, it could be worse.”

“How could it possibly be worse?”

“It could be like looking for hay in a needle stack.”

* * *

Hear about the careful archeologist? He kept a mummy at his home, just in case.

* * *

Charlie, the Starkist mascot, quit his advertising gig and started pounding keys in a nightclub. He’s become a piano tuna.

* * *

If I had a dollar for every time I was confused, I’d probably say, “... Hey! Where’d all this money come from?”

* * *

“Great white sharks are the ocean masters. They can grow up to 20 feet!”

“That doesn’t impress me. Centipedes can grow hundreds of them, and they aren’t masters of anything.”

* * *

Mary Poppins said “a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down”. I’ve followed that advice faithfully for years. Nowadays, the medicine I take is insulin.

* * *

She: “I’ve got to know! Is there anything between you and the neighbor lady?”

He: “Of course not, dear... not when your out of town, anyway.”

* * *

How did Tina Turner find out Ike was cheating?

She saw another woman’s lipstick on his fist.

* * *

Entrepreneur: “I want a career selling fishing supplies. What do you think of my chances for success?”

Accountant: “I’m not sure. What’s your net worth?”

* * *

My brother’s addicted to helium. He speaks quite highly of it..

* * *

A wealthy dowager’s favorite dog dies. She’s so heart-broken, she asks her jeweler to build a golden statue of him chewing on his favorite treat.

“Certainly madam,” the jeweler sympathizes. “24 karats?”

“No,” replies the woman. “A single bone will do.”

* * *

“I’m in a quandary... I don’t know the proper way to pronounce the ‘g’ in ‘gif’.”

“Shoot, that’s easy! Just pronounce it the same way you do ‘g’ in ‘gigantic’.”

* * *

City boy: “Man, look at them weird cows! I bet they’re gay!”

Country boy: “Nah, they ain’t gay. They’re bison.”

* * *

My wife can recall every damn time I’ve ever insulted her. Just as I’ve always heard... an elephant never forgets.

* * *

An animal trainer developed a parrot that could deliver bombs to specified targets. He thought the Air Force would be interested, but he was wrong: they told him they already had enough parrot troopers.

* * *

My girlfriend and I have a long-distance relationship: I have to stay at least 100 yards away at all times and the cops have warned me to quit calling her my girlfriend.

* * *

“Knock knock.”

“Who’s there?”

“Electrician. I’m here to fix your doorbell.”

* * *

Domino’s has developed a weight-loss selection that’s so wildly effective, they’re applying for an industry award: the No-Belly Pizza Prize.

* * *

I used to play chess with old men in the park, but had to give it up. It was too hard finding 32 of them at the same time.

* * *

Donald Trump doesn’t own a dog and doesn’t seem to like dogs at all. This is exceedingly unpresidential. US presidents are famous for having dogs. Nixon had his spaniel Checkers. LBJ had his beagles. In more recent memory, Barack Obama had a Portuguese water dog. If only Hillary’d been elected instead of Trump! She already had a horndog.[/FONT]

Low_Roads · Aug 31, 2018

[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]Brunette: “You say your boyfriend’s pet name for you starts with a ‘B’, right? It isn’t ‘Blondie’ is it?”

Blonde: “Nope... ‘Honey’.”

* * *

Dads are like boomerangs. God, I hope so anyway...

* * *

“I’m determined to turn invisible and won’t quit experimenting until I’m successful. Have I made myself clear?”

“Hey man, I can see where you’re coming from.”

* * *

Our wedding ceremony went off without a hitch. Now the bride’s suing me for breech of promise.

* * *

“A baby owl flew through the window this morning and fell straight into the toilet bowl. I didn’t notice until it was too late.”

“That’s terrible!”

“I know. You’re never supposed to flush moist owlettes.”

* * *

Scott Lang, the Ant Man, tried to become an Avenger, but Iron Man vetoed. He suggested he join the X-Men instead. There wasn’t a thing Lang could say in protest... he was a mute ant.

* * *

You’ve heard the expression, “There are no atheists in foxholes”, right? Well, the same holds true for earth tremors. During such an event, we all become quakers.

* * *

Brunette: “You need to start planning ahead.”

Blonde: “Okay. I’ll need two eyes and a nose. A mouth wouldn’t hurt, either.”

* * *

I wanted a copy of the novel “Vengeance is Mine!”, but didn’t have enough cash. As I tried to sneak one out of the bookstore, the cashier snarled, “You’ll pay for that!”

* * *

“So you’re visiting Wales, eh? You can go to Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogoch.”

“How can you say such a thing!”

* * *

You know that look of longing when a gorgeous woman wants to tear off all your clothes and make sweet love to you all night long? No, me neither.

* * *

Hooker: “That’ll be 40 bucks, sport.”

John: “Sure. It’s a business doing pleasure with you.”

* * *

A graduate student mounted a top-of-the-line digital camera inside his toilet. He desperately wanted his pee HD.

* * *

Doctor: “No, you don’t have prostate cancer. It’s all in your head:”

Patient: “Whew! That’s a relief!”

Doctor: “What are you talking about? Brain cancer is much more serious!”

* * *

My girlfriend wants to leave me because of my obsession with Transformers. I assured her I could change, but that only made things worse.

* * *

Killer whale pods have the highest pitched songs of any breed. That’s because each group includes an orcastrato.

* * *

Lesbian carpentry differs markedly from other types... all tongue and groove, without a single stud.

* * *

What a fool I was trusting that damn acupuncturist! I went to him with lumbar pain and he stabbed me in the back!

* * *

“For our French trip, I’ve arranged to rent a residence in the Bordeaux region.”

“Wow! Is it really fancy?”

“Fancy? It’s simply a maison.”

* * *

Steve Rogers was lured into a party limousine, then shot by the Red Skull. He was capped in a merry car.

* * *

This morning I found a spider in my tennis shoe... can’t image how he got the damn thing laced.

* * *

“You want a job, huh? How good a lumberjack are you?”

“The best, man! I swung the meanest axe in the whole Sahara Forest!”

“ ‘Sahara Forest’?! The Sahara’s a desert!”

“Yeah... it is now.”[/FONT]

Low_Roads · Sep 7, 2018

[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]“Young man, how dare you toss bread into the pond for those ducks! Don’t you know that children are starving in Africa? They need it so much more!”

“Sorry lady. I can’t toss it that far.”

* * *

My pal steals board games for thrills. He’s a Risk taker.

* * *

“My relatives are visiting. They’re so damn boring, they put me to sleep before I can even finish dinner!”

“I wish they’d put me to sleep during dinner. It wouldn’t matter if I passed out in my plate... not when I’m tortured by this awful insomnia.”

“Hey, you’re more than welcome to use my nap kin!”

* * *

Twelve white men occupy two benches at an all-black court proceeding... who are they?

Players at an NBA game.

* * *

I’m strongly considering higher education at an agricultural college. Corn, wheat, barley... there are so many different fields to choose from!

* * *

“So son, how’s kindergarten?”

“Not so good. We learned all about the letter P on Monday. I expected we’d learn about R today, but we haven’t got there yet.”

“What? How come?”

“There was a Q.”

* * *

Last night, I had the most terrible nightmare ever! What a letdown; it wasn’t even remotely scary.

* * *

Feuding hillbillies may seem divisive, but they all have one thing in common: DNA.

* * *

“The local pawnbroker employs me as an assistant. I guess you could say I’m a tonto.”

“A ‘tonto’? I’ve never heard that job description before.”

“Of course you have! Everyone knows that tonto works for the loan arranger.”

* * *

Pickup line for a pretty calligrapher: “I was first attracted to your I’s. But now I’ve had a better look, I see you also have a perfect S.”

* * *

Last year, our school hosted an exchange student from Pripyat. This year, he came back for a second term; he’s grown another foot since I saw him.

* * *

“Hey, who left this huge stuffed elephant in my room?”

“I did! Happy Birthday!”

“Oh. Thanks then.”

“Don’t mention it.”

* * *

“I’ve heard it said that the camera adds 10 pounds.”

“You sure couldn’t prove that from the gal I met online.”

* * *

When I was younger, I was so in touch with nature I built myself a wooden car. It had wooden seats, wooden wheels, a wooden body and a wooden engine. Needless to say, it wooden start.

* * *

Congress will never impeach Trump as long as the GOP holds the majority; Republicans insist on carrying a baby to full term.

* * *

I consider this lock-pick a sound financial investment; I can see it opening many doors for me.

* * *

Mommy: “Boy, you need to do more things for yourself. My world doesn’t revolve around you!”

Mommy’s little man: “But you always told me I’m your sun!”

* * *

To the gorgeous neighbor lady: please quit pounding and scratching at my front door! For the very last time: I don’t intend to let you out!

* * *

You may want to rip copper pipe out of a building so you can sell it, but you’ll never succeed. Copper’s always Cu.

* * *

My wife, a grief counselor, died yesterday. Happily, she was so good at her job I really don’t give a damn.

* * *

It’s hard to understand why Nike would go into business with Colin Kaepernick; you’d think they’d want a more stand-up guy.

* * *

“Doctor, my husband is crazy! He talks to our living room lamp constantly!”

“How many times have you seen him do this?”

“None. But the lamp told me all about it!”[/FONT]

Low_Roads · Sep 14, 2018

[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]I was shocked yesterday when my wife told me that the boy I brought up wasn’t really my son. I gotta be a lot more careful when I go get him from school.

* * *

Captain James Kirk is such a prankster! The last time the Enterprise was in zero-G, he floated from his command chair and defecated on the ceiling. His mission: to boldly go where no man has gone before.

* * *

My wife needs to lose weight. When we went out last night, she was wearing high heels; when we came home, she was wearing slippers.

* * *

“Damn it! I put this vintage car away in the garage years ago to protect it from the weather. But a leak in the roof let rainwater in anyway! If I’d left it outside, at least I could have waxed it... now it’s completely ruined! Look at all that rusted metal!”

“Hmmm... that’s irony!”

* * *

I’m trying to decide on my college major. Geology rocks, but Geography is where it’s at!

* * *

Qui-Gonn Jinn was s tough Jedi and a ferocious fighter. But that didn’t prevent him from getting mauled.

* * *

I asked my brother for help childproofing my home. He told me a condom should do the trick.

* * *

A Hollywood production company has made a drama about the very first bathysphere. I understand it’s deeply moving.

* * *

My wife and I had a ferocious fight last night, but it ended with her on her knees! It’s the only way she can get at me when I hide under the table.

* * *

“Jackie Chan has beaten up an awful lot of people. When the time comes for final judgement, you think that’ll keep him out of Heaven?”

“Nope. There’s no Chans in Hell.”

* * *

Today, I’m a world famous magician. My best trick is “Sawing a Person in Two”. As a kid, I’d practice it for hours. My family would help out, of course; I have a half-brother and two half-sisters.

* * *

The phrases “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” are synonymous. Even so, be careful which one you use at a funeral.

* * *

I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of the chapstick. It was an innocent mistake, but she’s no longer speaking to me.

* * *

Job recruiter: “What do you consider to be your most important quality?”

Job applicant: “I don’t know when to quit.”

Recruiter: “Great! You’re hired!”

Applicant: “I quit.”

* * *

My current girlfriend has an unusual job; every evening, she comes home in a big white lumpy suit that smells of honey. Yep, she’s a keeper!

* * *

This year, the Hubble Space Telescope sent us high resolution pictures of galaxies colliding. Astronomers have seen galaxies collide before, but never in such fine detail; they can now make out lawyers rushing to the scene.

* * *

I felt a need for exercise, so I decided to take up fencing. Bad idea... it was the only thing that kept dogs out of my yard.

* * *

Zeus wanted to punish Prometheus, so he borrowed a couple of eagles from the post office. They had plenty of experience de-livering.

* * *

“So, what’s your ambition?”

“I intend to eradicate every cancer on earth.”

“That’s an admirable goal!”

“After that, I’ll work on the scorpios.”

* * *

Apple is releasing its newest model iPhone, and I’m already tired of the splashy hoopla; can’t stand the XS.

* * *

Yo mama so fat...

... I suspect she has a glandular problem.

* * *

A brunette mob boss tells her blonde underling to rob the house of a millionaire.

“Take a ladder and a shovel,” she orders. “If the security fence is short, use the ladder. If it’s tall, use the shovel.”

Later that night, the blonde comes back empty-handed.

“Well that was a waste of time!” she reports. “There wasn’t any fence.”[/FONT]

Low_Roads · Sep 21, 2018

[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]A stallion busted out of his stall and is now roaming free. Police have warned locals not to approach him... he’s obviously unstable.

* * *

My neighbor’s mother-in-law is a real angel. I’m not so lucky... mine’s still alive.

* * *

The Invisible Man doesn’t date a lot, but that’s understandable. He isn’t much to look at.

* * *

I’ve written an ode in praise of my manhood. Last night, I showed it my girlfriend... she told me it has a weak climax and ought to be longer.

* * *

During WW II, the Germans developed a camera that could be hidden in Allied urinals so’s to spy on the generals. The program was known by its acronym: VCUP.

* * *

I used to live in a bouncy castle, but now I’m homeless... the cost of inflation.

* * *

A vampire went to a fancy restaurant, but came out dead. He never should have ordered that stake.

* * *

My wife calls her ex-boss the Big Banana. She once found him a’pealing.

* * *

Optimist: “We live in the best world possible!”

Pessimist: “Oh god! That’s what I was afraid of!”

* * *

Some folks tell about their relatives who’ve cowered in time of crisis, but not me! Heroes run in my family!

* * *

Thanos is so evil, he’d have made a perfect Nazi. I can see him now at the Beer Hall Putsch... of course, he would have ordered schnapps.

* * *

During the early part of the war, the Nazis weren’t so bad. In fact, they offered the entire city of Warsaw a trip to camp. They said it would be a great ghetto-way.

* * *

My son spends way too much time in his room playing Grand Theft Auto. All the car theft and prostitutes... Jesus, I wish he’d spend more time outside!

* * *

The military has developed a hybrid soldier that’s half man and half wolf. These mutants are stored in an army were-house.

* * *

Yesterday I had a full cavity search. My damn dentist doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing!

* * *

John, Paul, George and Ringo made a very successful music team. But when John tried to include his wife, the others cried, “Oh no!”

* * *

My blond girlfriend borrowed my car for the weekend. On Monday, I expected her to return it at 8:00 AM. Well, 9:00 came, then 10:00, then 11:00, and before I knew it, it was noon. So I called her up and asked her where the heck she was.

“Where am I?” she retorted. “Where the heck are you? I drove past your place three times and never saw your car in the driveway!”

* * *

Cassette tapes had a side A and a side B. It’s only logical that the next step would be CD.

* * *

I scratched myself while handling an old video game cartridge... had to get a Tetris shot.

* * *

What’s better, butter or margarine?

Margarine. Nothing’s better than butter, but margarine’s better than nothing.

* * *

I recently competed in a turkey shoot, but missed the target every time. No harm, no fowl.

* * *

Blonde: “Reverend, I accidentally ate a bug! Do you think I’m gonna die?”

Priest: “My dear, eventually we’re all going to die.”

Blonde: “Jesus Christ! What have I done!”[/FONT]

Low_Roads · Sep 28, 2018

[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]My co-workers seem to think I don’t eat dessert. They all say I’m off pudding.

* * *

Defendant: “If I say you’re a bastard, what will you do?”

Judge: “I’ll jail you for contempt of court,”

Defendant: “If I think you’re a bastard, what will you do?”

Judge: “Nothing. In this country, you’re free to think anything you like.”

Defendant: “Great! I think you’re a bastard.”

* * *

I’m a fair interior designer, but there’s always room for improvement.

* * *

Making love to a woman is like playing a violin. I don’t know how to do either.

* * *

What sort of housing do musicians prefer?

A flat.

* * *

I’ve heard it said that geese actually kill more people annually than sharks. I have no trouble believing this; it’s got to be near impossible for a goose to kill a shark.

* * *

“Would you ever cheat on your wife?”

“Who else could I cheat on?”

* * *

I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth; my mother had a severe case of pica.

* * *

The streets are so damn dangerous these days! I never let my kids go outside anymore; god knows who they might rob and kill.

* * *

My wife has a compulsive disorder so severe she groomed her hair until she almost killed herself. As a precaution, I got rid of all the grooming tools. Wifey was displeased, but there was no choice; she’d had a brush with death.

* * *

A sportsman went marlin fishing and got a big one on the line; but when the clumsy boat hand tried to pull it onboard, he hooked the fisherman instead of the fish. What an awkward gaff!

* * *

I just heard about the pitcher plant. It seems unnecessary... there’s already plenty of human beings in baseball.

* * *

If you want to find the boss of any furniture company, look for the carpenter. He’s chair-man of the board.

* * *

I catch stray dogs for a living. I’m paid by the pound.

* * *

“Alcohol is my husband’s answer to everything!”

“Is he a mean drunk?”

“No, no, no! He’s just really lousy at Twenty Questions.”

* * *

This morning, I was drinking coffee in my slippers. Jeez, I really need to buy a few mugs.

* * *

“I have a 4 inch dick.”

“Ha! I don’t suppose you get many dates!”

“Nope. Most gals can’t take it that wide.”

* * *

I borrowed an audiobook from my brother, but lost the darned thing on a bus. I’ll never hear the end of it.

* * *

Blonde: “Thanks, but I never eat birthday cake. It gives me heartburn.”

Brunette: “You’re supposed to take the candles off first, silly!”

* * *

The inventor of the medical inhaler died recently. There was no coffin at the funeral.

* * *

My 24-year old son finally learned how to walk. What a relief... it took a huge weight off my shoulders.

* * *

I was worried about the weather, so I consulted Siri.

“Surely,” I said, “you don’t think there’ll be any rain today.”

“Yes I do,” Siri retorted. “And don’t call me Shirley!”

Damn! I forgot to take the phone off Airplane mode.[/FONT]

Low_Roads · Oct 5, 2018

[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]For trick-r-treats this year, I plan to cut a hot dog into slices, scoop out its insides and fill the cavity with cheese. This may seem more like hors d’oeuvres than proper candy, but I figure it’s the perfect Halloween-y snack.

* * *

Some say Halloween’s a celebration of death. Still, everyone seems to enjoy it... every seen a skull frown?

* * *

The president of Kelly-Moore Paints died from hypothermia during his Aspen vacation. Authorities say he could have used a second coat.

* * *

It was the middle of a desperate gun battle; to save ammunition, I decided to start using my knife. Next thing you know, I’m banned for life from the paint-ball park.

* * *

My girlfriend says I treat our relationship like this it’s a joke. Who does she think she’s kidding!

* * *

Condoms? Ha! Those are for pussies!

* * *

The US is having such bad luck lately, you’d think it was built on an Indian Burial Ground.

* * *

When asked at school what he wanted to be when he grew up, my son answered, “Either a pool boy or a pizza delivery driver.”

Damn it; I think the little scamp found my porn stash.

* * *

Mama mouse and baby mouse are heading for the woodland chapel, the place where all forest animals congregate to worship. Baby mouse sees a bat fly overhead, also on his way to services.

“Look mommy!” baby mouse cries out joyfully. “An angel!”

* * *

I didn’t know the best way to say goodbye to the people of Indonesia, so I just gave them a big wave.

* * *

“Did you know? Spartacus, he is cannibal!”

“How you find out?”

“Me watch him. He have wife for dinner. Should be ashamed!”

“No... he gladiator.”

* * *

I was looking for celestial bodies last night and saw a moon. Not what I was expecting... I guess it’s just going through a phase.

* * *

“Says here that the sperm bank pays $500 per sample.”

“Damn! To think of all the money that’s slipped through my fingers!”

* * *

My sister asked me to bring her a hard surface to write on, so I opted for sand. It’s pretty darned hard to write anything on that.

* * *

Batman confiscated all the fruit punch the Joker had stolen for his Halloween party. Just ice was served.

* * *

My belt put up with my drinking binges till it was loopy. It finally buckled under the pressure.

* * *

How did Helen Keller break her arm?

Trying to read the stop sign.

* * *

You have to be careful about pork products. One of my co-workers is in the hospital after eating a ham sandwich. He found it in my lunchbox.

* * *

Dentists must have the most depressing job in the world. They always look down in the mouth.

* * *

My girlfriend got herself a sexy chicken suit for the Halloween costume party, so I immediately rushed out and bought an egg suit. I just had to learn which of us came first.

* * *

Sex may seem like a great idea at the time, but it creates a host of problems afterward... like where to hide the body.

* * *

Our local school called to inform me that my son had been caught lying in class.

“Lying, huh?” I observed. “He must be pretty darned good at it.”

“How do you mean?” the caller returned.

“I don’t have any kids.”[/FONT]

Low_Roads · Oct 12, 2018

My vocabulary is so weak, I don’t even know what the word “introspection” means. Man, I really need to take a long, hard look at my life.

* * *

“How’d you like a 40 inch TV for only 100 bucks? The volume control doesn’t work, but it’s still a heck of a deal!”

“Hey, I can’t turn that down!”

* * *

Congress has approved a superhero business tax in which the Avengers are charged for each criminal they bring in. This applies to every one of them except for Spider Man; all his captures count as net income.

* * *

My uncle is a tattoo artist who specializes in decorating the breast. He believes in giving tat for tit.

* * *

The inaugural ribbon for a new casino has divided in two; this was its last resort.

* * *

Never open an email from Hormel. It could be spam.

* * *

Brunette: “Find any mothballs in the closet?”

Blonde: “How could I? Those bugs are tiny!”

* * *

My mom says I’ve been a bad joke since the day I was born; I guess she blew the delivery.

* * *

There are no anti-vaxxers on Star Trek. That’s because it’s set in the future.

* * *

The ghost of the chicken I had for dinner came back to haunt me. Technically, such spirits are known as poultry-geist.

* * *

Judge Kavanaugh was confirmed to the Supreme Court, despite 48 declarations of “No”. Not surprising; that didn’t stop him in college, either.

* * *

My brother has a plan to sell pizza as an in-flight meal. He says he’ll get rich, but I suspect it’s pie in the sky.

* * *

After 30 years on the job, the Human Cannonball has decided to retire from the circus. The owners are distraught; it’s going to be tough finding another man of his caliber.

* * *

I just can’t take it! My wife’s out every night, hitting bar after bar. No matter which one I’m in, she always finds me!

* * *

It’s hard to understand how Hitler was able to keep all those Jewish people imprisoned. It’s well known they eat locks.

* * *

I just drove back from a Transformers convention, and boy are my arms tires!

* * *

Chuck Norris has had an uncredited role in every one of the Star Wars films. He played The Force.

* * *

I slave away at my job day after day and nobody ever seems to notice. Makes me proud to be a pickpocket.

* * *

Blonde: “Look at me! I’m dressed like a ghost!”

Brunette: “What for? Halloween’s still weeks away!”

Blonde: “Ooops! I spook too soon!”

* * *

I went to the plastic surgeon for a tummy tuck and he insisted on trying to sell me bicep implants instead. Man, I hate being strong-armed!

* * *

The Cleveland Indians, the Atlanta Braves and the Washington Redskins all lost last Monday. Coincidence? I think not. It was, after all, Columbus Day.

* * *

Teacher: “What does A stand for, little Jeffrey?”

Jeffrey: “Apple!”

Teacher: “Very good, Jeffrey! And what is B for, little Mary?”

Mary: “Banana!”

Teacher: “Excellent, Mary! And how about you, little Billy? What is C for?”

Billy: “Plastic explosive.”

Low_Roads · Oct 19, 2018

[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]My wife left me because I spent so much time playing video games. Nowadays, I do it because I’ve come to enjoy it.

* * *

Wanna hear the fairy tale about a Bavarian virgin? Her name was Gutenteit.

* * *

Man, I nearly burned down the kitchen! Word of warning: when recipes says to grease the bottom of a pan, they mean the inside!

* * *

The high cost of living can be a weighty problem. Most folks don’t even try to budge it.

* * *

I wanna be one of those hip people who vacation at a bed-and-breakfast. They’re the inn crowd.

* * *

A trumpet player, a flute player and a drum player couldn’t get into their high school reunion. They were band.

* * *

My aged auntie always told me, “Slow and steady wins the race!” A lot of good that advice did her; she died in a house fire.

* * *

The actor who played Forrest Gump took part in a track meet. When it became clear he’d win, he turned to his fellow competitors and drawled to them, “Thanks in advance!”

* * *

That cute retail clerk must be interested in me. Last time I saw her, she was checking me out.

* * *

“I just love ‘Eye of the Tiger’!”

“Yeah? How about the other four letters?”

* * *

When I was growing up, my brother and I had nothing but table scraps. We’d fight constantly over who got the bigger steak.

* * *

Have you ever woken from a dream and felt that you were still asleep? There’s a fool-proof test for that. The next person you see, start telling them about the experience. If they seem interested, yeah, you’re dreaming.

* * *

Art teacher: “Class, I want you to paint with all the colors of the wind!”

One pupil, to another: “What the heck’s the color of the wind?”

Second pupil: “Blew.”

* * *

Yesterday while I was trimming the hedge, some guy walks right onto my lawn and gives me the finger. I’m glad he did; blood loss was making me too woozy to find it.

* * *

Blonde: “I need to get a movie ticket, please.”

Box office cashier: “But I just sold you one!”

Blonde: “I know. But some jerk at the door tore it in half!”

* * *

When I was a kid, I sure hated eating my greens. For some reason, they tasted much worse than the rest the of the crayons.

* * *

A farmer had a perfectly good wife, but he chose to spend more time with his hoe.

* * *

I’ve heard it said that one human year is equivalent to seven dog years. Damn mutts... trying to scam that many more birthday presents!

* * *

Patient: “So, how will I pay for this surgery?”

Doctor: “I charge by the incision.”

Patient: “Hey, what kind of cut-rate operation is this?”

* * *

I’ve called a suicide hotline, but I’ll never do that again. Not a single one of those clowns had any good advice about the best way to do it.

* * *

Stoics never get cavities; they’re implacable.

* * *

A redhead, and a brunette and a blonde stop their office work at noontime to eat their lunch. The redhead unwraps her sandwich, then reacts with disgust.

“Tuna again!” she growls. “I hate tuna! All my husband ever makes me is tuna sandwiches!”

The brunette likewise unwraps her sandwich. She too is appalled.

“Baloney again!” she snarls. “God, how I hate baloney! All my damned husband knows how to make are baloney sandwiches!”

Finally, the blonde unwraps her sandwich. She takes one look at it and shrieks, “Peanut butter and jelly again! Man, I sure do hate peanut butter and jelly!”

After a pause, the redhead asks, “Aren’t you going to rag on your husband about this?”

“Oh, no,” the blonde replies. “I made it myself.”[/FONT]

Low_Roads · Oct 26, 2018

[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]She: “That bitch at work called me fat! Damn, I can’t wait to get back at her!”

He: “Hey, you’re bigger than that!”

* * *

My wife lectures me constantly about her OCD. She always puts me in my place.

* * *

Archeologists have found it difficult to read the hieroglyphics inside pyramids. Small wonder; they’re encrypted.

* * *

She: “I have to make a confession... of our 12 children, you aren’t father to any of them.”

He: “Well, that leaves a lot to be de-sired.”

* * *

The French aren’t well liked by a lot of folks. Personally, they give me the crepes.

* * *

The vinyl record is making a comeback and people below a certain age just can’t understand why. They simply have no idea how good it was...

... how good it was...

... how good it was...

* * *

I’m so pleased the phonograph was finally replaced by the CD player; the last one I owned ruined 250 of my albums. Now that’s a record breaker!

* * *

“My, what cute twins! Did mommy buy you those adorable matching outfits?”

“I’m not twins, sir. License and registration, please.”

* * *

I thought Canada had a President, but it turns out he’s really the Prime Minister. I’d never heard that before; it’s Trudeau.

* * *

Orthodontists across the nation are planning to go on strike, so brace yourself.

* * *

After 20 years, I finally came out of the closet. That has to be the longest game of hide-and-seek ever!

* * *

Vegans never go to Hell. Satan already has it bad enough.

* * *

My sister’s always said, “The best things in life are free!” She’s a kleptomaniac.

* * *

Jeep has developed a new car called the Elizabeth Warren. It’s all white and says “Cherokee” on the side.

* * *

Doctor: “Now just relax. It’s perfectly normal to have an erection during a prostate exam.”

Patient: “But I don’t have an erection.”

Doctor: “I wasn’t talking about you.”

* * *

Doctor: “How on earth did you get lice?”

Patient: “Dunno, Doc. It’s a real head-scratcher.”

* * *

My current girlfriend treats me like a god! She never sees me, and I’m none too sure she knows I exist.

* * *

“Ma’am, me an’ my new missus is after a room fer our honeymoon.”

“Would you like a bridal suite?”

“Nope, sugar. I’ll just latch onta her braids till she gets the idea.”

* * *

An archeologist has actually unearthed the desiccated remains of that legendary beauty from remote antiquity, Helen of Troy. The first thing he did upon recovery was to give the corpse a long, lingering French kiss; he was eager to understand a dead tongue.

* * *

My cousin from Alaska spent his entire life savings on lottery tickets. Win or lose, he’s heading south soon.

* * *

Is it true that every dinosaur dinner party started with primordial soup?

* * *

The first time I had sex with my girlfriend was in my parents’ bedroom. She was quite nervous about it and moaned, “I don’t like this. What if we get caught?”

“Don’t worry,” I assured her. “They’re very heavy sleepers.”[/FONT]

Low_Roads · Nov 2, 2018

[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]Hear about the fashion show so cheap the manager got rid of all the changing rooms? Models are currently seeking redress.

* * *

I paid 40 bucks to see a live Mozart concert. What a scam! All I got was a crummy cover band!

* * *

Iron Man has a young partner, Aluminum Man. He uses his powers to foil crimes.

* * *

My girlfriend claims I’m the stingiest boyfriend in history. Well, I’m just not buying that!

* * *

It isn’t necessary to vaccinate all your children... just the ones you want to keep.

* * *

Tom: “I’ve often wondered... how in the world do you get “Dick” out of “Richard”?

Richard: “Well, dinner and dancing would be a good start.”

* * *

You’re absolutely incomparable! As beautiful as... uh... umm...

* * *

My brother went to jail recently and has taken it really badly. He hasn’t eaten in days, refuses to shower and shave, and screams at anyone who comes near. Needless to say, no one’s asked him to play Monopoly since.

* * *

R2D2 has been the most obscene character in the Star Wars franchise. They’ve had to bleep every word he’s said.

* * *

I’ve been mute since birth and, as disabilities go, this one’s not so bad. Of course, I can’t speak for everyone.

* * *

Circus promoter: “There’s an vacancy in the Freak Tent. Would you be interested in the job?”

Elephant Man: “Hey, I’m all ears!”

* * *

I’m in hot water with my wife, just for throwing a snowball at my son! The folks in the maternity ward aren’t very thrilled about it either.

* * *

Redundancy is ruining our lives! We need to put an end to redundancy! Enough is enough!

* * *

A praying mantis baby tends to be terribly unruly... no father figure.

* * *

Brutus: “Hey Caesar! How may pizzas did you have for lunch?”

Caesar: “Ate two, Brute.”

* * *

No need to go out for ice cream once your best girl gets back from the gym; you already have a sore bae.

* * *

Eating pork isn’t healthy... just ask any pig.

* * *

National Impotency Month starts tomorrow. Frankly, I just can’t get excited about it.

* * *

Patient: “My right eye hurts like hell right after I drink coffee. Could I be getting too much caffeine?”

Doctor: “Possibly. On the other hand, you might try taking the spoon out of the cup.”

* * *

I was confined to a wheelchair for awhile and was totally dependent on my girlfriend. That didn’t last long; I got tired of her pushing me around and finally had to stand up for myself.

* * *

A new movie ripping off Stephen King’s killer clown story is being released in Cardiff. Producers of the American version have described the production thusly: “Welsh It.”

* * *

A man gets stuck in the middle of a crosswalk, trying to decide where he should go for lunch. On one side of the street is a Burger King; on the other, a Jack in the Box. He stays undecided so long, the light finally changes and a big rig truck plows through the intersection, squashing him flat.

Moral to the story: don’t bother about Whoppers or Jumbo Jacks when a Big Mac is only yards away.[/FONT]

Low_Roads · Nov 9, 2018

[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]“Which section of a hospital is the most closely monitored?”

“The name says it all: ICU.”

* * *

A wife comes home from work to catch her layabout husband watching porn on the internet.

“Why do you feel the need to do that?” she scolds. “I’m a perfectly good woman, yet you haven’t touched me in months.”

“These gals are so much wilder!” the man leers. “They do things you’d never do!”

“Think not?” she counters smugly. “Just keep watching...”

* * *

I was so broke, I had to sell my homing pigeon. I’m not broke now; this is the twelfth time.

* * *

After his disappointment with Spock, Sarek decided not to have any other children. To insure this, he turned to a product he’d imported from Earth: his vulcanized rubber.

* * *

Lumberjack: “I’ve lost count; how many trees did I chop down today?”

Foreman: “I don’t know. I’ll check the logs.”

* * *

My brother claims he’s gay now. Man, he can’t say anything with a straight face!

* * *

Captain Ahab had to know he was doomed; he already had one foot in the grave.

* * *

History tells us that the first Red uprising took place in Russia on February of 1917. I’m not convinced of that... surely it happened in January. It had to be a New Year’s revolution.

* * *

Victor Frankenstein always made sure to include plenty of metal fasteners when he served his monster meals; he knew the creature had a habit of bolting his food.

* * *

My wife just brought home a young stud who’s muscular, wears shades and eats nothing but health food. That damned doctor never should have told her she needed a hip replacement!

* * *

“Know what you get when you rearrange the letters of ‘POSTMEN’?”

“A mass shooting spree?”

* * *

When I come home for dinner, all I ever get is cold, bland food. My wife really puts her heart and soul into it.

* * *

Kermit the Frog: “I’d like a condom, please... ribbit.”

Clerk: “Any special features?”

Kermit: “Like I said: rib it!”

* * *

My uncle won’t touch my aunt anymore, but has a mistress squirreled away somewhere. We’ve tried to find the hiding place, but he obstinately refuses to tell us... just where does he get off?

* * *

Traffic cop: “You we going 80 mph in a 40 zone! That’ll be $500!”

Blonde: “Wow, thanks! Pay me more and I can go even faster!”

* * *

In Jamaica, apple pie costs $2.50 a slice. Peach pie is a little pricier: $3.00. And pecan pie is the most expensive of all at $3.50. If you plan to travel there, it’s imperative you should know about the pie rates of the Caribbean.

* * *

A black buddy at work gripes constantly that he’s passed over for promotion because of his race. Man, he really needs to lighten up!

* * *

“My wife divorced me years ago. She claimed I was too inattentive.”

“What a shame! Did you have any kids?”

“Mmmmm... possibly.”

* * *

While serving aboard the International Space Station, I took along a fascinating biography of Abraham Lincoln to help pass the time. I just couldn’t put it down!

* * *

One lump of coal, to another: “What’s with Tom? All of a sudden he’s gone from dark and brittle like the rest of us to hard, clear and shiny.”

Second lump of coal: “You’ll have to forgive him; he’s been under a lot of pressure.”

* * *

I just heard about this anime guy called Goku. I guess he’ll never need a psychiatrist... they say he’s super sane.

* * *

A priest stands at the side of the road holding a placard that reads: “The path you have chosen will lead you to disaster. Turn yourself around now, before the end comes.”

A sports-car full of drunken teens sees him and streaks right past, jeering and flipping him off. A few seconds later there is the sound of a devastating crash.

A workman jogs up the road from the direction they’ve just gone.

“Father,” he states gravely, “we deeply appreciate your lending us a hand. But would you please change that sign for one that says, ‘Caution: bridge out’.”[/FONT]

Low_Roads · Nov 16, 2018

[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]My son didn’t get the new video game system he wanted for his birthday. He kicked up such a fuss, I had to console him.

* * *

He: “Do you ever think of anyone else when we’re having sex?”

She: “No, dear, never. It’s always George Clooney.”

* * *

As a protector of public morals, I must protest the act of pollination. Why can’t those damn flowers just keep it in their plants?

* * *

It may seem slanderous to call a group of crows a murder, but there is probable caws.

* * *

I do my best to support local industry, which is why I haven’t bought a new TV. Lately, every set I see anymore says “built in Amplifier”.

* * *

Jesus’s first miracle was to cure himself of blindness, and it was all thanks to his carpentry. One fateful day, he picked up his hammer and saw.

* * *

I tend to be on the scrawny side; that’s because a high metabolism runs in my family. My neighbor’s on the obese side; that’s because no one runs in his family.

* * *

Gandalf: “Where did you two scamps go in such a hurry?”

Merry: “We had to pee, so we ran off behind those trees.”

Pippin: “Yeah. We did miss anything, did we?”

Gandalf: “Fly, you fools!”

* * *

I’d already driven out of the garage before I found out the mechanic neglected to fix my reverse gear. Well, there’s no going back now.

* * *

The US tried switching to the metric system in 1975, but it never caught on. A good thing, too. Imagine if we suddenly started using grams and kilograms instead of pounds and ounces; it would only create mass confusion.

* * *

Tonight I’m going to a kick boxing class. Hope it works... I’ve been trying to quit punching people for years.

* * *

The ancients used to talk about “the music of the spheres”. It’s a idea started by Pythagoras way back in the 6th century BC. And that long before he knew there were any Neptunes!

* * *

If I got one dollar for every existing gender, I’d have two actual bucks and a small fortune in Monopoly money.

* * *

Frankenstein monster: “I’d like absolution, Father. I am, after all, half Catholic.”

Priest: “Oh? On your mother’s side or your father’s side?”

Monster: “On my left side, I think.”

* * *

After 20 years of marriage, I’ve found that I’m bisexual. I don’t have sex more than twice a year.

* * *

It’s hard to believe that an escaped slave could raise an entire army... successfully defy the Roman Empire for three whole years... and still not know that all his comrades were named Spartacus!

* * *

My last girlfriend stole my heart. Well, I wasn’t having that, so I placed her under cardiac arrest.

* * *

“What do we want?”

“A CURE FOR DYSLEXIA!”

“When do we want it?”

“OWN!”

* * *

Anesthesiology is a well-paid profession, but never get employed by a brain surgeon. The work is mind numbing.

* * *

I’ve just been told I have xenophobia. Bet I caught it from some damn foreigner!

* * *

To keep up morale, some oil rigs are starting to build facilities for bordellos. They believe in off-shore drilling.

* * *

In the past, California forests were best represented by sequoias and sycamore. Nowadays, most of the trees are ash.[/FONT]

Low_Roads · Nov 23, 2018

[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]I really ought to quit drinking, but I just can’t handle a 12 step program. Why, oh why, did they have to put the AA office on the second floor?

* * *

Tutankhamen, the Boy King of Egypt, was so deranged, he believed his teacher to be a dangerous local animal, the fearsome river horse. It’s not known where this delusion came from; experts suspect the hippocampus.

* * *

When I’m done cooking, my son always licks the spoon. Jesus, I wish he’d buy his own damn heroin!

* * *

“So, you’re girlfriend gave you a massage for Valentines Day?”

“Yes. It was deeply touching.”

* * *

The cavalry officer received a flaming arrow in the chest. It was both heartbreaking and heartwarming.

* * *

I bought an origami kit from the craft store, but the instructions weren’t included. How odd... I don’t know what to make of it.

* * *

It’s a proven fact that gals hit puberty far sooner than guys. Females develop tits around age thirteen; males don’t get them till they’re in their forties.

* * *

“I just read that a cow has four stomachs.”

“Which book did that come from?”

“Graze Anatomy.”

* * *

Our cat got caught high up in a tree; that’s where he stashes the catnip.

* * *

Most parts of the US recognize Black Friday... all but the deepest parts of the South. There, they only honor Robinson Crusoe.

* * *

I used to eat marijuana brownies, but not anymore. I was developing a pot belly.

* * *

Architects were responsible for most of the gunfights in the Wild West... why didn’t they just make towns big enough for everyone?

* * *

I may be grossly overweight, but I’m not worried about it. I can slim down anytime I want to. My wife’s a big help; she never stops reminding me I’m a loser.

* * *

Cannibal customer: “This stew is a bit bland.”

Cannibal chef: “Okay. I’ll throw in a few more Herbs.”

* * *

Last night while I was out drinking, I was stunned to see a sister from the local Catholic ministry saunter in and get absolutely plastered. It was the most shocking thing I’ve ever seen, bar nun.

* * *

Our local priest lost the church cross right before services and feverishly tried to make a new one with parts he salvaged from a ladder. He needn’t have bothered: two rungs don’t make a rite.

* * *

Teacher: “Little Johnny, did you just pick your nose?”

Johnny: “No ma’am. Genetics took care of that for me.”

* * *

I was sexually active at 12. Unfortunately, at 12:05 I was done.

* * *

Ever shot a gun? I don’t know why you’d bother. Unless they’re being brandished, the darned things aren’t any threat to you.

* * *

“I just heard this wild rumor that you had your testicles dyed in sparkly colors.”

“Yeah... pretty nuts.”

* * *

The grocery store offered anorexic turkeys for Thanksgiving this year. They were cheap, but half-baked and desperately in need of stuffing.

* * *

I joined the army shortly before the war. 1939: I met my first wife. 1942: I married for the second time. Finally... 1955: I got together with the woman I’d stay with the rest of my life. Let me tell you, it was one wacky evening![/FONT]

Low_Roads · Nov 30, 2018

[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]I went to the grocery store to get half a dozen cans of Mountain Dew. But when I got home, I found that I’d picked 7 up.

* * *

Bomber pilot: “Enemy aircraft at one o’clock!”

Bomber copilot: “Thank god! That gives us a whole hour to get ready for them!”

* * *

Last year: bought a gun to protect my four children.

This year: sold the gun to protect my three children.

* * *

How many degrees does it take to fry a liberal’s brain cells?

Just one: a college degree.

* * *

When I need to make food for a lot of people, I choose pizza. There’s always enough dough to go ‘round.

* * *

The buyer for a US prosthetics company has started to obtain product from China. Bad decision... he’s now considered an international arms dealer.

* * *

To help treat my pessimism, my therapist suggested that I get a jar and put a dollar in it each time I have a negative thought. Well, I did... it’s currently half empty.

* * *

Teacher: “Let’s review our grammar rules, class. The rhyme tells ‘I before E, except after’... little Billy, do you know how it ends?”

Billy: “At Old MacDonald’s farm?”

* * *

I made a big purchase recently, but accidentally handed over my donor card instead of a credit card. It wound up costing me an arm and a leg.

* * *

“I understand you competed in a big debate about which vowel is most important.”

“Yeah. I won.”

* * *

I’ve been told that for ideal health I should do crunches twice a day. It’s working out great; Nestle makes a really delicious candy bar!

* * *

Child: “Mommy, how come you’re getting gray hairs?”

Mother: “Well dear, that’s so I can keep track of how naughty you’ve been. Every time you do something wrong, God turns one of my hairs gray to let me know.”

Child: “Ohhhh, that explains a lot. I can see now why Gramma’s completely gray.”

* * *

“Before dunking the lobster in boiling water, is it wise to satisfy its curiosity about the butter being used?”

“Indeed yes; at some point, you have to clarify.”

* * *

My wife insists that she’d rather be cremated than buried. I want to do everything possible to comply with her wishes... in fact, I’m trying to get her an appointment for tomorrow.

* * *

“Remember Mrs. Brown, the Sunday School teacher? She’s the one who kept nagging that masturbation would make us go blind.”

“Oh yeah. I haven’t seen her I years.”

* * *

I’m in need of a bone marrow transplant, but there’s a long wait for a suitable donor. It’s gonna take at least nine months.

* * *

Doctor: “This is serious. The bacteria in your system is more than strong enough to swim against your bloodstream.”

Patient: “Oh my god! Which one is it?”

Doctor: “Salmonella.”

* * *

I went to a Superman-themed night at my club, but never got in. The line at the cloakroom was too long.

* * *

“Says here on your resume you have a degree in theoretical physics.”

“That’s a typo. It should actually read I have a theoretical degree in physics.”

* * *

My German grandmother brought us a special treat last Christmas, but I never had any. It was stollen.

* * *

She: “I’m all out of blouses. Okay if I take one of your wife beaters?”

He: “Sure. Knock yourself out.”

* * *

The neighbors think my kids are spoiled. I think they just need to bathe more often.[/FONT]

Low_Roads · Dec 7, 2018

[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]When I was a kid, I tried to ambush Santa Claus by sticking arsenic in his milk and cookies. Well, the old bird must’a found out about it and struck first; in the morning, I found that he’d killed my father.

* * *

It’s a good thing the Romans chose to crucify Jesus rather than drown him. Think how silly a church would look with an aquarium on the altar!

* * *

“Receptionist, I’d like a wake up call, please.”

“Certainly, sir. When was the last time you took a long, hard look at your life?”

* * *

I didn’t realize there was no toilet paper on the roll until after I’d finished my business. I got off Scott free.

* * *

Last names frequently reflect a family’s past activity. Mr. Tailor’s ancestors, for example, cut cloth. Mr. Mason’s forefathers worked with stone. I really don’t want to know, however, what Mr. Dickinson’s folks got up to.

* * *

Brunette: “Why do you always apply spermicide when we go to the beach?”

Blonde: “Hey, you’re the one who told me to use a son block!”

* * *

My boss wants to get into human trafficking. I wasn’t too crazy about the idea, but now I’m sold.

* * *

When P. T. Barnum first started his famous circus, he hired former waiter Tom Thumb the midget as an attraction. A good thing, too... the poor little guy was having trouble putting food on the table.

* * *

You don’t have to be a magician to turn a fox into an elephant. All you have to do is marry one.

* * *

“I’m serving a life sentence for something I didn’t even do!”

“What would that be?”

“Wiping my fingerprints off the knife.”

* * *

My grandfather is still furious with the Japanese about Pearl Harbor. Evidently he doesn’t know that Americans made that movie.

* * *

Interviewer: “I see that under ‘qualifications’ you’ve written down ‘fantastic children!’ Sorry... that really isn’t an acceptable reason to hire you.”

Applicant: “Please, son, I really need this job!”

* * *

I just heard about a concept called “theoretical prostitution”. Man, it really blew my mind!

* * *

There was no room in the inn for Mary and Joseph. They really shouldn’t have visited during the Christmas season.

* * *

I wish I had a dollar for each time a lady called me handsome! In fact, I do; I hear from gramma each year on my birthday.

* * *

First astronaut: “We’ve got coffee up here, but I don’t see the Coffee Mate. Could one of you guys find me some?”

“Second Astronaut: “In space, nobody can. Here, use cream.”

* * *

After a night on the town, I just can’t wait to get home and rip off my wife’s panties! They’re so damned uncomfortable!

* * *

It’s no surprise the hedonists in Pompeii lived next to Mount Aetna. They were into volcanic ash long before it was cool.

* * *

Can you tell the difference between a burro and a burrow? If not, you don’t know your ass from a hole in the ground.

* * *

I’d beat my son if I ever found out he was gay. I mean, I’m so damn much gayer than he’d ever be!

* * *

When women reach a certain age, they can’t conceive children anymore. Their maternal instinct frustrated, they begin to collect lots of cats instead. It’s a condition known as “many paws”.

* * *

“Mommy, I gotta poop.”

“We’re still 10 minutes from home. You’ll just have to hold it.”

10 minutes later:

“Okay, son, we’re back. You can use the bathroom now.”

“I don’t have to anymore, Mom. I got tired of holding it and put it in your purse.”[/FONT]

Low_Roads · Dec 14, 2018

[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]At first, I thought my doctor told me not to eat anything fatty. What he actually said was, “Don’t eat anything, fatty!”

* * *

The trailer for Avengers Endgame broke the record at 289 million online views in 24 hours. Think how many more there would have been if Thanos hadn’t snapped his fingers.

* * *

We should all be conscious of the health benefits of preserved fruit, particularly dried grapes. I strongly believe in raisin awareness.

* * *

Private: “I’m quitting the army! The Captain just said something really offensive!”

Corporal: “Oh yeah? What was that?”

Private: “He told me, ‘Get out there and take that bunker!’ “

* * *

NASA is starting to bully Elon Musk like he was a schoolboy... I hear they want his launch money.

* * *

“Our trip to the zoo has been quite instructive! Look over here; according to the sign, this enclosure houses a creature that creates a huge stink and lives off dead beetles.”

“Great! They finally put Yoko Ono behind bars!”

* * *

If Rudolph and his crew ever get ill, Gandalf the magician has volunteered to pull Santa’s sleigh with his magic. I suppose he’s up to the job; he is, after all, the Mithreindeer.

* * *

How do you stop bacon strips from curling in the pan?

Take away their brooms.

* * *

Trump should not have used the term “shit-hole countries”. The proper wording, I believe, is turd-world nations.

* * *

Band-Aids’ stock is way down. That’s what happens when you’re constantly being ripped off.

* * *

One leech: a parasite.

More than one leech: a nest.

A whole community of leeches: a Senate.

* * *

I went to a wild Halloween party back in October... everyone was dressed up in ghost costumes and the ground outside was decorated to look like a graveyard. Then some jerk vandalized all the crosses by setting them on fire.

* * *

Which soul singer made a Christmas decoration from hundred dollar bills?

Aretha Franklin.

* * *

The pagan gods didn’t talk to mortals much. When they did, it was only idol chatter.

* * *

I was afraid my son might have Tourette’s Syndrome. Happily, it turns out he really does think I’m an asshole and wants me to fuck off.

* * *

He: “I love these black-tie events!”

She: “Jackass! Show some respect at my mother’s funeral!”

* * *

I went to the gym hoping to use a machine that would impress the ladies. Turns out the only one that worked was the ATM machine.

* * *

Certain of the X-Men seem more trustworthy than others. Wolverine, for example, is a standup guy; Professor X, not so much.

* * *

“Congratulations! Your wife told me she’s now eating for two!”

“Yeah, that’s her goal. I suppose next year it’ll be 300 pounds.”

* * *

My married life is just like a fairy tale! Tonight, I’m heading home to face the wicked witch.

* * *

When having unmarried sex, it’s advisable to use a condom. To be extra safe, cover that condom with a second condom. Better still, cover those two with a third condom. A condom within a condom within a condom... the end result: Contraception.

* * *

“I just read that the Statue of Liberty is 20 times the size of an actual woman.”

“Interesting statistic. I just found out that the blue whale has a penis 20 times the size of a human male’s.”

“Well I’ll be darned... no wonder she’s constantly looking out to sea.”[/FONT]

Low_Roads · Dec 21, 2018

[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]I smacked my young son in the head with a bottle of Johnson and Johnson No More Tears Shampoo. Damn false advertising!

* * *

Those who suffer from halitosis are far and away the best sort of people. Get them up close, and you’ll find out why.

* * *

I went to prison for rape... a bit reckless perhaps, but how else am I gonna find sex?

* * *

A black, a white and an Asian enter a bar and occupy a single stool. Is this possible?

Yes. But the poor panda still won’t get any service.

* * *

It’s commonly believed that Huckleberry Finn traveled downriver on a raft. I prefer to think he got there by Twain.

* * *

A robot walks into a bar and says, “Gimme a Screwdriver, please. I need to loosen up.”

* * *

I own a salamander named Tiny. He’s really my newt.

* * *

“Doctor, my wife’s going into labor! What should I do?”

“Is this her first child?”

“Of course not! I’m her husband!”

* * *

It may sound weird, but I’m really into furry fetish sex. Please, bear with me.

* * *

There’s nothing like a good joke! Not in this collection, anyway.

* * *

Last night I fell asleep on my alarm clock. I really wanted to wake up on time.

* * *

Men are naturally lustier than women... it’s impossible to be sexy without xy

* * *

I finally know why the chicken crossed the road. There’s a mud wallow on the other side that he likes to roll around in before returning to the coop. Damn dirty double crosser!

* * *

Santa refuses to use Blitzen’s milk in his coffee. He prefers a non-deery creamer.

* * *

My wife and I have been in an open marriage for 20 years. Unfortunately, I didn’t find out about it until yesterday.

* * *

Of all the planets in the universe, Earth is the most dangerous for humans. 100% of them die there.

* * *

I’ve often wondered if the word “either” is pronounced with a long I or a long E. I suppose either must be right.

* * *

Most of the letters in the alphabet are attractive and useful, but not all of them. Screw U.

* * *

My high school girlfriend was so insatiable, I called her Rudolph. Not because she had a red nose, but because she went down in History.

* * *

The Feast of Stephen must have consisted of pizza. According to the Good King Wenceslas song, it was “Deep pan, crisp and even.”

* * *

My girlfriend really liked the beautiful boa constrictor I got her for Christmas last year. It took her breath away.

* * *

Pirates used to call out to their sweeties when approaching port. That’s how the well known phrase got started: “Land ho!”

* * *

Blonde: “Help me with this crossword. It’s eight letters long and means ‘Fixed a road’.”

Brunette: “Retarred.”

Blonde: “Asshole!”[/FONT]

Low_Roads · Dec 28, 2018

[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]I got into trouble just for doing my Christmas shopping early. I did it so early, the shop was even open yet.

* * *

It’s claimed that fidget spinners cure anxiety, but no concrete evidence can be found about how that works. I suppose it’s a top secret.

* * *

Why does Batman dress in dark clothing?

Because he doesn’t want to be a target.

Why does Robin dress in bright clothing?

Because Batman doesn’t want to be a target.

* * *

My girlfriend accuses me of cheating, but that’s not true at all. I only practice with other girls so I can be the best boyfriend possible.

* * *

Accidents are the leading cause of death in the United States. Don’t try to prevent them, though... they’re also the leading cause of birth.

* * *

Hear about the man who was in a terrible car crash and lost his sight, his hearing and his ability to touch anything? Doctors say he can still lead a fulfilling life, but I think it’s nonsense.

* * *

How do gynecologists prefer their eggs?

Ovariesy.

* * *

My pet pig got me up at three in the morning just to show off his tail. It was twirly.

* * *

Wise men: “C’mon down to Bethlehem, folks! We’ve got gold! We’ve got frankincense! But wait! There’s myrrh!”

* * *

Don’t be an alcoholic! Alcoholics have a problem and have to go to AA meetings! Be a drunk, like me! We go to parties!

* * *

Ever see “Beauty and the Beast”? All the beasts household accouterments had arms and legs and could move freely from room to room... all of them except the wash basin. Let that sink in.

* * *

She: “I’m never going to forgive you! You slept with my sister!”

He: “Hey, I’m only human! You know how attractive she is! There she was... lying there so naked and inviting. What did you expect me to do?”

She: “Your job, you asshole! You’re a mortician!”

* * *

My wife wanted a comb for Christmas, but didn’t get one. She was on Santa’s knotty list.

* * *

On the way back north from delivering presents, Santa’s sleigh broke down over the Sierra Nevada mountains and the whole team had to stay there overnight. Everything went smoothly, although they did take the precaution of muzzling Donner.

* * *

Mirror: “Break me and you’ll have 7 years of bad luck.”

Condom: “Pal, I think I got you beat.”

* * *

My uncle’s a wounded war vet. For Christmas, we got him a brand new prosthetic leg. It was the perfect stocking stuffer.

* * *

An honest lawyer, a hard-working politician and Santa Claus are in a race. Which one wins.

Santa. Everyone knows that first two are only imaginary.

* * *

My boss gives me nothing but crap. One of these days I’m gonna stand up for myself and start demanding money.

* * *

My boss also calls me a tool. I got his wife hammered and nailed her, so I guess he’s right.

* * *

Super-villains are after black Spider-Man Miles Morales. I understand they’re searching for him on the dark web.

* * *

Some guy was trying to bust into our house last Tuesday. He was dressed real flashy, called us all hoes and had a bag to cart off our belongings. Thankfully, I shot him before he could get to us.

* * *

Doctor: “Wake up, son. The surgery is over and I have some good and bad news for you.”

Patient: “Good and bad news?! You cut off my gangrenous leg, right?”

Doctor: “Well... no, I’m afraid we got the wrong one.”

Patient: “Oh my god! What could the good news possibly be?”

Doctor: “Your bad leg’s looks a lot better now.”[/FONT]

Low_Roads · Jan 4, 2019

[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]My brother is a golf pro, but I don’t see how he can keep that job. According to club members, his work is always sub-par.

* * *

Customer: “I’d like some product for treating an ache.”

Pharmacist: “Where is it located?”

Customer: “How the hell would I know? This is your store!”

* * *

My wife’s nickname is Bambi. She thinks it’s for of her big doe-like eyes; it’s actually because I’m the one who really shot her mother.

* * *

The chemical elements can be a great source of humor. There are 118 of them, from hydrogen to oganesson, and every one has a joke attached. I tell them periodically.

* * *

There’s no excuse for people who use words incorrectly. They should of paid better attention in school.

* * *

When you go through as many condoms as I do, you really need to shop at Costco. They have a great return policy.

* * *

What did one priest say to another after their Catholic orphanage was saved from fire without a single casualty?

“Let us prey.”

* * *

I call my watch dog Mighty Oak, but don’t worry. He’s mostly bark.

* * *

Bouncer: “I’m afraid I’m going to have go ask you to leave, sir.”

Drunk: “Me? How come?”

Bouncer: “One: you’re obviously drunk. Two: you’re acting obnoxious. Three: this is my damn trampoline.”

* * *

Logging has caused the loss of many old-growth forests, but world governments are now planting new trees to take their place. That certainly is a releaf.

* * *

Straight men use “radar” to find a sex partner, while gay men use “gaydar”. I have my own special method... it’s called “paydar”.

* * *

Men with piercings are ideal marriage material. Not only are they used to pain, but they’ve had plenty of experience buying jewelry.

* * *

My auntie was born on February 29th. She looks surprisingly old for her age.

* * *

After retirement, I toyed with the idea of becoming a hitman. I have plenty of time to kill.

* * *

Brunette: “It’s such a tragedy! My boyfriend was injured in a car crash and now has only one foot!”

Blonde: “Count your blessings. Mine has only ever had six inches.”

* * *

There are two types of people in the business world: those who climb over others on the way to the top and those who get climbed on. Unfortunately, I’m in the ladder group.

* * *

A dog stands motionless in the same spot for hours. The reason: he’s on paws.

* * *

Curry powder is potent stuff. You gotta be careful with it... I snorted some once and nearly wound up in a korma.

* * *

University lab equipment can be quite limited. You won’t, for example, find any graduated cylinders.

* * *

A group of cowboys is camped at the edge of the woods, when they suddenly hear the ominous low beat of an Indian war tom-tom.

One grizzled old trail hand looks up from the campfire and says, “I don’t like the sound of that.”

“Neither do we,” a voice calls from the trees, “but our regular drummer is out sick.”

* * *

My New Years resolution is 3840 x 2160. These end-of-year TV sales are terrific!

* * *

He: “And what’s your New Year’s resolution, cutie?”

She: “Fuck you, asshole!”

He: “Man, what a great 2019 this’ll be!”[/FONT]

Low_Roads · Jan 11, 2019

[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]Who here understands Roman numerals? I for one.

* * *

Cody Parkey has a lot to try to forget after missing that field goal in the last seconds of the Bears/Eagles playoff game. I suppose he’ll go out and hit a few bars.

* * *

Some thief broke into my house and stole my bathroom scale. Joke’s on him... it’s broken. He’s never going to get a weigh with it.

* * *

How do the Dutch greet each other?

Through their tulips.

* * *

I’m currently banging a pair of blondes. It’s rough on their heads, but it’s the only way I can get their attention.

* * *

Petco clerk: “What can I do for you today ma’am?”

Blonde: “I’d like some bird seed, please.”

Petco clerk: “Sure ma’am, we have many varieties. What kind of bird do you have?”

Blonde: “None, silly! I haven’t planted the seeds yet!”

* * *

Two fools sit on a fence. One of them is four feet tall; the other is six feet tall. Which one falls off first?

The six foot fool. The other is a little moron.

* * *

When I was young, I never had much of a problem with all that sex on the TV. Not now, though... these narrow flatscreens make it hard to stay balanced.

* * *

Waiter: “Pardon me, sir. We have No Smoking rules in this restaurant.”

Patron: “Glad to hear it! I was dying for a cigar!”

* * *

The realization that with each full moon you will turn feral, grow long hair and fangs, then charge out into the night in search of human prey is intolerable... the curse of being aware wolf.

* * *

After a tough economic stretch, I can report that I’m now back on my feet. The finance company just took away my car.

* * *

“I hear you’ve come out of the closet.”

“Damn straight!”

“Well, did you or didn’t you?”

* * *

History tells us that the Imperial Japanese Army acted abominably in China, but I have my doubts. From what I hear, all those soldiers ever did was comfort women.

* * *

Why am I taking an origami class? The answer is twofold...

* * *

When this creature relaxes on its back, it’s one thousand feet in the air. What is it?

A millipede.

* * *

Charity worker: “Sir, would you consider taking part in our marathon? It’s for disabled children.”

Man in the street: “You bet I will! There’s a race I might actually win!”

* * *

In Canada, being kicked by a bull moose is considered a terrorist attack. Curse those moose limbs!

* * *

Invest in mirrors; you’ll double your money instantly!

* * *

Astronomers tell us they want to cut down on light pollution. Dang it, how is heavy pollution gonna make viewing conditions any better?

* * *

Trump’s wall will be useless unless it extends across the Gulf of Mexico. Everyone knows that Jesus can walk on water.

* * *

Maternity doctor: “Here’s your new son, Mr. Smith. But... I’m distressed to have to tell you that your wife didn’t make it.”

New father: “Well damn it, get back in there and find the one she did make!”

* * *

I’ve heard an alternate version of the Garden of Eden in which Eve was created first. She originally had three breasts; God saw that the middle one served no purpose, so he removed it. Now what was God supposed to do with a useless boob? Well, that’s where Adam enters the story...[/FONT]

Low_Roads · Jan 18, 2019

[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]There was an old man from Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket.
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man
And as for the money, Nan took it.

* * *

There once was a lady named White,
Who could travel much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
And arrived on the previous night.

* * *

There once was a fellow from Kent
Whose dick was so long, it was bent.
To save himself trouble,
He tucked it in double
And rather than coming, he went.

* * *

A silly old duke from Yorkshire,
While asserting the rights of a sire,
Lets the hands ‘round his head
Do the talking instead,
And so came to an early retire.

* * *

An amorous sailor from Brighton
Said unto his girl, "You're a tight ‘un!"
She replied, "'Pon my soul,
You've assailed the wrong hole,
And there's plenty of room in the right ‘un!”

* * *

There was a young man from Bombay
Who had fashioned a **** out of clay.
But the heat from his prick
Baked it into a brick
And abraded his foreskin away.

* * *

There once was a wicked old Persian
Quite perturbed by a certain aspersion:
“I deliver smart spanks
To my courtesan’s flanks.
Such a ball! Yet they call it perversion!”

* * *

There was a young lass from Madras
Who was blessed with a marvelous ass.
Yet, ‘twas not what you think,
Soft and rounded and pink,
But instead had long ears and ate grass.

* * *

A vampiress who calls herself Mabel
Has menstruations that make me unstable.
By the light of the moon
She will whip out a spoon
And soon drink herself under the table.

* * *

A young booby who everyone knows
Passes gas through its ass and its nose,
And folks lie awake late
Locked in mocking debate,
Judging whether he sucks or he blows.

* * *

There once was a ***** from Peru
Who filled up her vagina with glue.
She said with a grin,
"You will pay to get in,
And you’ll pay to get out of it, too!”

* * *

Of the wives of King Henry, 'tis said,
Every one was disastrous in bed.
But the King wasn't blue
For his regalness knew
In the end he would get him some head.

* * *

A plumber who plays in the sewer,
Plies a plunger instead of his skewer.
He has found that this trade
Makes it tough to get laid,
Since no gal wants her spit sucked straight through her.

* * *

There once was a plumber named Lee
Who was plumbing his girl by the sea.
But she cried, "Stop your plumbing!
I hear someone coming!”
Lee countered, “‘Tis no one but me!"

* * *

If you catch a chinchilla in Chile
And cut off its beard, willy-nilly,
You can honestly say
You have made on that day
A Chilean chinchilla's chin chilly.

* * *

Best beware of my perjuring parrot.
He’s a bird whose word-turds bear no merit.
What vile lies he can screech
As he sounds his free speech.
Even O.J. himself would not dare it!

* * *

There once was an artistic figment
‘Bout consuming a pallet of pigment.
Every shade of the spectrum
Will flow from the rectum,
Rendering every viewer indignant.

* * *

A pansy who lived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room
And they argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom.

* * *

There once was a fellow from Perth
Who was born on the day of his birth.
He was married, they say,
On his wife’s wedding day
And he died on his last day on Earth.

* * *

Ever swallow a succulent prune, sir?
That sweet juice leaves you loose all too soon, sir.
Best attend to a john
When the rumblings come on,
Or you’ll count your new suit a true ruin, sir.

* * *

A preoccupied vegan named Hugh
Picked himself the wrong sandwich to chew.
As he took a big bite,
He said, spitting in fright,
"OMG, WTF, BBQ!"

* * *

There once was a man from Nantucket
With a penis so long he could suck it.
He would say with a grin
As he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear was a pussy, I'd fuck it!"[/FONT]

Official TT Jokes Thread - Read and Post your Jokes Here!

4th Level Black Feather

4th Level Black Feather

4th Level Black Feather

4th Level Black Feather

4th Level Black Feather

4th Level Black Feather

4th Level Black Feather

4th Level Black Feather

4th Level Black Feather

4th Level Black Feather

4th Level Black Feather

4th Level Black Feather

4th Level Black Feather

4th Level Black Feather

4th Level Black Feather

4th Level Black Feather

4th Level Black Feather

4th Level Black Feather

4th Level Black Feather

4th Level Black Feather

4th Level Black Feather

4th Level Black Feather

4th Level Black Feather

4th Level Black Feather

4th Level Black Feather