Wanna learn how to get kids off the streets? First step: back your car from on top of 'em.
* * *
My grandad was a world renowned linguist. His colleagues considered him an important figure of speech.
* * *
Racecar backwards is still racecar. Racecar sideways is what killed Paul Walker.
* * *
Ex-wife: "Ha! I knew you'd come crawling back to me!"
Ex-husband: "Miserable wench! Give me back my crutches!"
* * *
Must have been raining cats 'n' dogs last night... this morning the ground is covered in poodles.
* * *
The first electric gun just hit the market! It's called the Elon Musket.
* * *
My first girlfriend had a wooden leg. Our relationship was filled with conflict; I was forced to break it off.
* * *
My brain is getting awfully snooty... of my five senses, it bothers to acknowledge only four. Well, there's no accounting for taste.
* * *
Always use a mink-lined guitar in your concerts. You'll make a fur tune!
* * *
If it weren't for the Arabs, there'd never have been a 9/11. It would have been IX/XI.
* * *
My neighbor and I got into an awful fight over our competing flower beds. It went so badly for me, I started throwing sod at him; you could easily see I was losing ground.
* * *
If Adam and Eve had been Chinese, we'd still live in Eden. They would have eaten the snake instead of the apple.
* * *
Wife: "I'm leaving! You don't even look at me anymore; you're completely obsessed with that damned Transformer franchise!"
Husband: "Please don't go! I can change!"
* * *
I once wrote a kinky song for an S&M orgy. I was paid per verse.
* * *
Jesus looked really ripped before he died. He was practicing crossfit.
* * *
Yesterday I startled the mailman by coming to the door naked. It probably freaked him out more, though, to know that I'd found out where he lives.
* * *
Mario: "Hey waiter! I just'a spill minestrone in my lap!"
Waiter: "Would you like more napkins, Mr. Mario?"
Mario: "No, I wanna complain! There's'a soup in my fly!"
* * *
My wife griped that I was always too tired for sex, so I went to see the doctor. He told me to get into shape; he said that jogging 5 miles a day would save my marriage. And he was right: I came home after only 3 and caught him in bed with her.
* * *
My cousin Nicolas, after months of unemployment, finally landed himself a job emptying the change from gum-ball machines. Needless to say, he isn't nickeless anymore.
* * *
England: "To us, it's colour; to you, it's color. To us, it's flavour; to you, it's flavor. To us, it's neighbour; to you, it's neighbor. What's your bloody problem, US?"
United States: "Force of habit. Ever since the Revolution, we've been trying to get ride of U."
* * *
I'd never before seen an elephant sneeze! It really blew me away!
* * *
She: "Once we're married, I promise to stay right by your side throughout all your problems."
I had a sack lunch today. It didn't sit well; I have all kinds of trouble digesting burlap.
* * *
Teacher: "When George Washington was a lad, he chopped down a cherry tree. He immediately admitted his guilt and his father didn't punish him. Now, what lesson do we learn from this?"
Student: "If you're gonna confess, make sure you're holding an axe."
* * *
The most important thing to my father is family... so much so, he has two more in different cities.
* * *
Film director Roman Polanski just turned 84. When interviewed about it, he said, "I feel like a 13 year old!"
* * *
While on my fishing trawler, I once snared a beautiful mermaid. She promised me free seafood if I didn't molest her; I went home with a case of crabs.
* * *
Two flies are sitting on a turd, when one of them lets out a loud fart.
"Hey!" cries the other indignantly. "Knock it off! I'm trying to eat!"
* * *
I punched out a skinhead today! He tried to alibi, but I refused to listen... "Chemo" isn't a Nazi sect I'm familiar with anyway.
* * *
"The Bachelor" is one show that could never be set in Utah; all the female contestants would wind up being brides.
* * *
My parrot spent the whole morning sitting on a perch. I don't know how he even got to the fish market.
* * *
In his declining years, Aladdin spent loads of time driving aimlessly around the city. The genie sat beside him as bodyguard, shaped like a Rottweiler; close friends called the disguised djinn his Magic Car Pet.
* * *
My girlfriend is forever calling me "My precious!" Must admit, it has a nice ring!
* * *
I've been told I'm amazing in bed! And it's true! I once slept for three straight days!
* * *
A buxom woman killed 13 cops with a meat axe. Authorities were stunned by her cleavage.
* * *
My sister bought herself a rape whistle. What a waste of money! She blew it for a solid hour, but no one showed up to rape her!
* * *
Steve Jobs might have made a better president than Donald Trump, but that's really comparing apples and oranges.
* * *
I've been told that humans actually eat more bananas than monkeys. I have no problem believing that; bananas are far easier to buy in grocery stores.
* * *
Must suck to be a mermaid. I'd hate to spend my whole life cleaning the ocean.
* * *
"You twins are absolutely adorable! Those matching outfits are awfully cute! Is it your mommy who dresses you alike?"
"We aren't children, sir. Could we see your license and registration, please?"
* * *
I just started work at a cheddar factory; so far, I'm finding the smell pretty intolerable. But then, I am right next to the guy who cuts the cheese.
* * *
Never lie on your resume! A bed is so much more comfortable.
* * *
They warned me not to stare at the eclipse, but did it anyway. I didn't see the harm.
* * *
In recognition of the recent eclipse, let's brush up on the different kinds:
Earth between the sun and the moon: Lunar Eclipse.
Moon between the Earth and the sun: Solar Eclipse.
I went to the pet shop yesterday to buy a goldfish.
"Yes sir," the clerk told me. "How about an aquarium?"
Like I really cared about its Zodiac sign!
* * *
A new addition has been made to the Periodic Table, AH! It's the element of surprise!
* * *
My girlfriend made mention of her job at a place called the Mustang Ranch. Why they don't fire her, I don't know; she can't seem to keep her calves together.
* * *
A helicopter crashes into an open field. Witnesses rush over and help the pilot and his blonde passenger out of the wreckage.
"What happened?" one of the rescuers inquires.
"It was so cold up there!" the blonde moans. "I just had to turn off that fan!"
* * *
My daughter makes endless excuses why her dresses are appropriate. But I've seen through every one of them.
* * *
Cortez: "We are the Spanish! We are your new masters! You don't deserve to rule the Aztecs!"
Montezuma: "Sez you! I made lot of sacrifices to get where I am today!"
* * *
I took my Little Boy to Japan! He had a blast in Hiroshima!
* * *
Japan has the lowest obesity rate in the world. Small wonder... the last Fat Man made a hell of a mess.
* * *
He: "Why are you looking so pleased with yourself?"
She: "I just got back from the doctor! He told me I have the body of an 18 year old!"
He: "Did he happen to mention your 50 year old ass?"
She: "Nope. Your name never came up."
* * *
I walked past a homeless guy on the street. The sign he was holding read "This could be you tomorrow." So I put the dollar back in my pocket; who knows, he might be right!
* * *
Albert Einstein was a highly respected genius. His brother Frank, on the other hand, was a bit of a monster.
* * *
My brother just got arrested; seems he's been robbing graves! I knew he was up to some skullduggery!
* * *
"Maybe you can help settle a bar bet: how many shots can an Irishman handle?"
"Evidently he's done after the 10th round."
* * *
Conor McGregor loves springtime! No wonder... you just can't beat May weather!
* * *
Floyd Mayweather's record is now 52-0. But only if you include women.
* * *
Reverend Jim Jones was the best boxer ever! He knocked out over 900 people with one punch!
* * *
I belong to a farming co-op; this week I received my share of the wheat harvest. I'll never do that again! What a headache it was to get my grain!
* * *
Buying a calendar is like sitting on Death Row: your days are numbered.
* * *
My grandfather served during WWII. He brought down dozens of German planes and was personally responsible for the demise of 20 German pilots... easily the worst mechanic in the Luftwaffe.
* * *
She: "You can argue with me or you can argue with this knife!"
He: "Fine. I pick the knife. At least it has a point."
* * *
I swapped our double bed for a trampoline. I'm quite pleased, but my wife hit the roof.
* * *
Two ICBMs meet in midair going in opposite directions.
American ICBM: "Hi there!"
North Korean ICBM: "Hi to you! Looks like we'll be visiting each other's countries! So tell me... what's the USA like?"
American ICBM: "Oh it's just great! America is one of the richest, most progressive nations in the world! And how about North Korea?"
North Korean ICBM: "Well, not so hot. The leader's a fat dolt, the citizens are starving and frankly the whole missile program's kind of a joke."
American ICBM: "Screw this, then! I'm going back home."
The Smurfs' main enemy is an evil wizard who threatens them with circumcision. I believe his name is Gargamohel.
* * *
Mom always said I could be anything I wanted to be when I grew up. So how come she's all upset now that I've become an alcoholic?
* * *
Jimmy Carter has moved to Florida so he can more easily construct shelters for large aquatic mammals. If you want to help him, seek out Habitat For Huge Manatee.
* * *
Teacher: "Johnny, if I give you two puppies and your best friend gives you two puppies, how many puppies do you have all together?"
Johnny: "Five puppies."
Teacher: "Five puppies? Don't you mean four puppies?"
Johnny: "Nope, five. I have a puppy at home already."
* * *
My girlfriend told me I look better when I don't wear my glasses. I told her that she too looks better when I don't wear my glasses. My eyes haven't changed, but now my nose won't stop bleeding.
* * *
Why did the double agent cross the road?
It's an illusion ... he was never really on your side.
* * *
I have an inferiority complex. All my tenants are losers.
* * *
Mario phones the veterinarian.
Mario: "Doctor, my sheep! They no make'a babies!"
Vet: "Are the rams fertile?"
Mario: "Why'a sure!"
Vet: "Then it's a ewe problem."
Mario: "Thanks'a for nothing, wise guy!"
* * *
It comes out of a dog; a man steps into it:
Pants.
* * *
"Hey waiter! This duck should be dead! But I think it's faking! I saw it open its eyes real quick, then shut them again!"
"That's to be expected, sir. You did order Peking Duck."
* * *
You become an entirely different person once you find out you're going to have a child. Consider how much I changed when my girlfriend told me she was pregnant... my name, my address, my email account...
* * *
A nun is escorting a visitor through the church cemetery, when a vampire leaps from behind one of the headstones to bar their path.
"Show him your cross!" screams the man in alarm. "For God's sake, show him your cross!"
"You pointy-toothed, undead jerk!" the nun storms. "Let me tell you what I really think of you!"
* * *
It looked bad for the accused until he started masterbating in the courtroom. That's when he got off on a technicality.
* * *
I managed to break up a fight between two blind men. All I did was yell "Five bucks on the guy with the knife!", and they both ran away!
* * *
"Mommy, may I lick the bowl?"
"No, sweetie. Flush, same way everyone else does."
* * *
Panama and Iceland are a lot like the Venus de Milo: no armies.
* * *
Our town baker keeps details of his his dough preparation mostly secret. His workers are exempt of course, but information is dispensed on a know-to-knead basis.
* * *
Interesting fact: if you lay a person's small intestine in a straight line and measure it carefully...
... that person's likely going to die.
* * *
The letter C feels isolated and terrified. That's because the surrounding letters are not Cs.
* * *
My dad was a successful carpenter, even though he was blind. Every morning, as soon as he entered his shop, he picked up his hammer and saw.
* * *
My brother worked for my dad in his carpentry shop, repairing wagon wheels. Though mute, he was quite eloquent; every morning, first thing, he handled a hub and spoke.
* * *
Brunette mom: "Children can drive you crazy! I found a pack of cigarettes underneath my daughter's bed. I didn't even know she smoked!"
Redhead mom: "Well, I found a whisky bottle underneath my daughter's bed! I didn't know she drank!"
Blonde mom: "And I found a package of condoms underneath my daughter's bed! I didn't know she had a dick!"
Science is dedicated to the metric system. All its disciplines measure volume in liters... all but Geology. Geologists measure in quartz.
* * *
The church says to give your money to the poor. I never before understood the value of following Christian teaching... not until that bum pulled a knife on me.
* * *
Blonde: "I just washed my hair with poo."
Brunette: " Good grief! Why would you do that?"
Blonde: "I've been using shampoo for years and thought I'd try the real thing."
* * *
Never marry a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.
* * *
My girlfriend wants me to go with her to the gym, but I'm really not interested. Our relationship just isn't working out.
* * *
When a snake and a lizard fight, which usually wins?
Bet on the lizard. It's better armed.
* * *
I just donated $1,000 for earthquake study. I'm generous to a fault.
* * *
In the US, dogs are K-9.
In Vietnam, they're E-10.
* * *
In the UK, kids say "lift".
In the US, kids say "elevator".
Not hard to understand; they've been raised differently.
* * *
If Shelley Long and Martin Short ever got hitched, would that constitute a comedy medium?
* * *
The leader in the Tour de France wears a yellow jersey. That isn't simply fashion; it's a reminder of what color urine's supposed to be.
* * *
The government recently conducted an online survey; I had no idea 0% of the population was Amish.
* * *
A Bronze Age inventor comes up with the first knife.
Admiring friend: "Wow! This is the best thing since bread!"
Inventor: "Yeah? Well I'm about to blow your mind!"
* * *
My trainer told me he knew a great way to take off pounds. Unfortunately, I didn't understand he was a British confidence man.
* * *
Where did the Gingerbread Man lose his leg?
In Nom.
* * *
Emphatic chickens cross the road only halfway. That's because they want to lay it on the line.
* * *
"Are you giving me the business? Quit patronizing me!"
"Fine! I'll shop across the street from now on."
* * *
Apple had considered making an iPod Touch expressly for children, but iTouch Junior just didn't sound right.
* * *
My girlfriend says a small penis is no impediment to a happy relationship. I'm sure that's true; all the same, I wish she didn't have one.
* * *
Donald Trump walks into a bar. He immediately lowers it.
* * *
Hurricane Irma has caused plenty of controversy; once again we have to consider row versus wade.
* * *
A man and his new blonde girlfriend are having sex for the first time. Right at the height of their passion, the blonde asks, "You don't have AIDS, do you?"
The man is taken aback.
"What? No! Relax, for heaven's sake!"
After the act is over, the blonde once again queries, "You're sure you don't have AIDS, right?"
The man is exasperated.
"I guarantee you I don't have AIDS! Why do you keep asking?"
"Just being paranoid, I guess," she replies. "I'd hate to catch it twice."
It was a nightmare situation! There I was on horseback, being chased by a lion! And up ahead I saw a bear! To top things off, I kept hearing threatening voices:
"Damn drunk! Get off the carousel!"
* * *
What do you call a man who's lost both his arms and both his eyes?
Better call him a doctor.
* * *
I get most of my gossip from catsup bottles. It's a most reliable sauce.
* * *
The Soviet Union employed many snipers during World War II. It was famous for its Marxmen.
* * *
The hotel I just stayed at provided turndown service. The maid wouldn't go out with me no matter how hard I begged.
* * *
Cheetahs have to run fast because they're incapable of hiding. That's the penalty for always being spotted.
* * *
My blonde girlfriend would like to abolish the decimal system. She says it's untenable.
* * *
Lately I've spent hour after hour staring at seaweed. My friends all advised me to see kelp.
* * *
How can you tell the clown Pennywise from "It" isn't lactose intolerant?
He eats a lot of Derry.
* * *
My mathematician friend has opened up a bakery. He doesn't seem to have the hang of it yet... the pie are squared.
* * *
"As a vegan, I see a man who sells meat as gross."
"As a meat eater, I see a man who sells vegetables as grocer."
* * *
Revisionist history places Superman's birthplace is South Africa. I hear he comes from Cape Town.
* * *
A teenage boy and his girlfriend are making out on the couch.
"Wanna take this upstairs?" she coos.
"Wow!" the boy cries. "You bet!"
"Fine," the girl replies. "But watch your back. It's awfully heavy."
* * *
I'm pleased to report that the black rhino is no longer endangered. That's because it's now extinct.
* * *
Moses was way ahead of his time. He had the first tablet connected to the Cloud.
* * *
Campus police have received a report of pernicious vandalism: a peep hole strategically drilled into the girls' shower room. They're currently looking into it.
* * *
I had a lovely dream last night... one in which I bobbed gently up and down in the ocean. Isn't that swell?
* * *
I refused to participate in Talk Like a Pirate Day... had no interest in learning to speak Somali.
* * *
Orion's Belt is the most worthless constellation in the sky. It's a huge waist of space.
* * *
I'm in charge of hiring for our company. First thing I do when I get a stack of resumes is randomly throw out half of them; that weeds out the candidates with bad luck.
* * *
Hear about the Indian cooking show which focuses on flatbread? Not too popular... it's a naan event.
* * *
A woman badly burns her breasts while sunbathing in the nude. To help ease the pain, her doctor recommends that she soak them in milk.
Her dumb jock brother pays a visit and happens to see her dunking her tits into a bowl of grade-A.
"Well I'll be darned!" he quips. "I never before knew how you re-loaded those things!"
Ordinarily, wood floats. That doesn't apply, of course, to Natalie Wood.
* * *
I doubt alcohol is really the answer. It's hard to tell, because I can't remember the question.
* * *
Q: Who's more content, a man with 10 children or a man with 10 million dollars?
A: The man with 10 children. He will not want anymore.
* * *
Hear about the orchestra leader who murdered his wife? Authorities decided to hang him instead of sending him to the electric chair... turns out he was a poor conductor.
* * *
I bought some cheap-o toy construction bricks for my son, but once assembled he couldn't get them apart. They wouldn't Lego.
* * *
My busty girlfriend got herself an animal-striped brassiere. It's a z-bra.
* * *
It's true there's no "I" in "team". There is, however, an "M" and an "E", which is just as good.
* * *
I'd like to make a rabbit pie, but the butcher shop doesn't carry rabbit meat. Fortunately, our town also has a pet shop.
* * *
"Why are you wearing one brown sock and one blue sock?"
"My wife must buy 'em that way. I have another pair just like it at home."
* * *
I adhere to the maxim: "Do something you love and you'll never work a day in you life." That's why I do heroin.
* * *
What was Herman Göring's favorite breakfast?
Luftwaffles.
* * *
I wish my wife were more like her sister. She doesn't have one.
* * *
Hopefully, Anthony Weiner will find Jesus in prison. Now that his political career is over, he might even become a Catholic priest!
* * *
It's important to have standards. I think they're so critical, I have double standards.
* * *
God gave man a brain. He also gave him a penis. Unfortunately He didn't provide enough blood to work them both at the same time.
* * *
Hugh Hefner passed away Wednesday at the Playboy Mansion. One might say he's gone to a better place, but I'm not sure that's possible.
* * *
Hef accomplished quite a feat. He proved every one of our mothers wrong: we didn't go blind.
* * *
Never let anyone tell you you're worthless. You'll soon work that out for yourself.
* * *
Teacher: "If you had 15 jelly beans and I asked you for 5, how many would you have left?"
Little Johnny: "15. I really love jelly beans."
* * *
My brother is an astro-janitor who services the outside of the International Space Station. His official title is "Vacuum Cleaner".
* * *
Customer: "Is this bug spray good for ants?"
Clerk: "Not at all. It kills them."
* * *
A couple go out to eat in a fancy restaurant. When the food arrives, the husband beams, "Hey, that looks great!" and immediately digs in.
His wife looks on disapprovingly.
"At home," she snips, "we always offer a little prayer to God first."
"No need for that here!" the man says between bites. "This chef knows what he's doing!"
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]I just made a chicken salad. Hope she enjoys it.
* * *
My legless brother plays golf from his wheel chair. His score isn’t so good, but he has a strong handicap.
* * *
A bacteria walks up to a club entrance, but is stopped by the bouncer.
“You don’t understand,” the germ tells him. “The owner just hired me. I’m staph.”
* * *
I used to brag about being an auto-cannibal. Now I understand I was just full of myself.
* * *
The bartender never did break up with her boyfriend. He kept asking for another shot.
* * *
Co-workers tell me my clothes look gay. Well... they did just come out of the closet.
* * *
A kid drowned in school today. It may have involved his grades; he was below C level.
* * *
You don’t need schooling to understand math... it’s 90% common sense. The other half is persistence.
* * *
When I was 7, my parents pulled up stakes and moved to New York. It took me 10 years to find them again.
* * *
Teacher: “You have five watermelons. Little Timmy only has three. You toss him one off the truck; what does Timmy have now?”
Little Johnny: “A concussion.”
* * *
Marriage isn’t simply a word. It’s a sentence.
* * *
For me, sex is not the answer. “No” is the answer.
* * *
A foreign power just returned one of our secret agents. He was so inept, he wore undewear on his head as a disguise. Now that he’s back, he’ll be retired (after a debriefing).
* * *
My aunt has worked out a home remedy for Tourettes Syndrome. She swears by it.
* * *
If Captain America ever retires, the Hulk is fully prepared to take his place. He’ll be the Star Spangled Banner.
* * *
Trump has a sure-fire scheme to destroy ISIS... he plans to buy it and run it.
* * *
Tom Petty died recently of cardiac arrest. Prime suspects are the Heartbreakers.
* * *
I think of marriage as a workshop: I work, my wife shops.
* * *
A Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a pub. Unexpectedly, everyone hears the Scotsman say, “Drinks are on me, lads!”
Headline the next morning: “Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death behind pub.”
* * *
Did you know that in past centuries sailors in the British navy were kidnapped and forced into service? Isn’t that impressive?
* * *
I understand people are now stage diving during Oktoberfest. Or, as they call it there, krautsurfin.
* * *
Old man: “You still have sex with your wife?”
Second old man: “ Yeah. But these days it’s strictly oral.”
Old man: “Oral?”
Second old man: “I say ‘fuck you’; she says ‘fuck you too’.”[/FONT]
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]This morning I saw a homeless mother begging for change.
“Here,” I said, handing her five dollars. “For your children.”
“Great!” she replied enthusiastically. “I’ll deliver ‘em this afternoon!”
* * *
Women tend to find pirates sexy. Well, I do understand that most of them were well hung.
* * *
The bears at our local park suffer from an odd deformity: all of them have lost their ears. They’re just “B”s now.
* * *
I needed a password and the instructions said it had to be 8 characters long. I decided to go with Snow White and the 7 dwarves.
* * *
I tried changing my password to “beefstew”, but the website warned it wasn’t Stroganoff.
* * *
Donald Trump toured a zoo recently. One of the enclosures promised African herd animals, but had accidentally been stocked with American bison instead. The President bristled when he saw this.
“Fake gnus!” he hollered. “Fake gnus!”
* * *
If you really like cake, here’s a tip: cut it in half, then eat one of the halves. The next night, cut the remaining half in half and eat that. Repeat night after night after night; theoretically, you can keep it up forever! You can halve your cake and eat it too!
* * *
I killed my neighbor to get his Chinese food. It was wonton murder.
* * *
The difference between a lightbulb and your pregnant girlfriend?... one of them you can unscrew.
* * *
A rooster decided to become a gay prostitute. He may well be successful; he’s a cock a dude’ll do.
* * *
Why was Picard the best possible replacement captain for the Starship Enterprise?
He could baldly go where no man has gone before.
* * *
I was almost run over by a 90 year old driver. Fortunately, I was able to leap into the street just in time.
* * *
Most school problems can make you numb. Math problems will make you number.
* * *
Three female spies are caught in a foreign country and lined up against a wall for execution.
“This land is famous for its natural disasters,” whispers the brunette. “We can use that as a distraction to get away.”
To prove her point, she bellows “Hurricane!” at the top of her lungs. All the riflemen dash into the cantina for cover, and the brunette escapes.
The soldiers soon discover their mistake. They assemble again and aim their guns, when the redhead hollers “Earthquake!”. The squad again dashes inside to hide under tables. The redhead also escapes.
When the soldiers figure out they’ve been fooled twice, they’re super pissed. They take aim directly at the blonde’s heart.
She stares back at them confidently and shouts “Fire!”
* * *
My neighbor Asif came from Saudi Arabia to become an optometrist. He succeeded, but he really needs to change the name of his practice: Asif Eye Care.
* * *
“Son, it’s time for us to talk about sex.”
“Dad, I’m 30 years old! What questions do you think there could possibly be?”
“How do you get porn on this smart phone?”
* * *
Modern surgery is amazing! I was so relaxed in the operating room I nodded right off, no problem. It didn’t go so well for my patient, though.
* * *
Jesus said, “He who lives by the sword dies by the sword.” He was a carpenter who died by nails, so I guess he knew what he was talking about.
* * *
My brother has special acreage where he grows corn for Doritos. Cool ranch!
* * *
The only thing Flat Earthers have to fear is sphere itself.
* * *
I hear that girls are now being allowed into the Boy Scouts. I imagine they help pitch a lot of tents.
* * *
Son: “Dad, how come the sky is blue?”
Dad: “I don’t know.”
Son: “Why do cats always land on their feet?”
Dad: “I don’t know.”
Son: “Why does the Earth go around the sun?”
Dad: “I don’t know.”
Son: “You don’t mind me asking all these questions, do you?”
Dad: “Of course not, son! You’ll never learn anything otherwise!”[/FONT]
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]Two snails are crawling along the seashore when they encounter a slug.
“Damn!” says one. “I didn’t know this was a nude beach.”
* * *
Being bad at math’s severely restricted my love life. I have to count on my fingers.
* * *
It’s an established fact that dogs are attracted to trees... doubtless because of the bark.
* * *
I just saw a psychiatrist about my confusing compulsion to put up apartment buildings. He says I have a complex complex complex.
* * *
The turncoat cabin boy wouldn’t speak a word. He was a mute-ineer.
* * *
I’ve figured out a surefire way to make my novels more touching: I publish exclusively in Braille.
* * *
Women are the foundation of our society. Men are the ones who laid the foundation.
* * *
I named my legless puppy Cigarette. Every evening after dinner I pull him out for a drag.
* * *
Mormons run the fire department in Salt Lake City. They’re much beloved; people call them the Ladder Day Saints.
* * *
For her birthday, my wife suggested she wanted something sleek that goes from 0 to 150 in seconds. I took the hint and got her a bathroom scale.
* * *
Revolt never accomplished anything. One revolution and you’re right back where you started.
* * *
Last Halloween, trick-or-treaters bugged me so much I went dark and pretended I wasn’t home. They should know better than to pester a lighthouse keeper!
* * *
Think twice before having spoons in the house. They’re cereal killers.
* * *
Male ghosts are incapable of impregnating female ghosts. That’s due to their hollow weenies.
* * *
Our gym coach is always boasting about his super-sized athletic cup. What a nut case!
* * *
Which body parts are most acutely stimulated during masturbation?
The ears.
* * *
It’s clear that many students don’t take summer school seriously; summer there, some aren’t.
* * *
We’ve now wiped out the cat population of Mars. Curiosity killed it.
* * *
ISIS just lost its capital. Time to start calling it isis.
* * *
I wish I’d lived during the Copper Age. It was a period of good conduct.
* * *
Emperor Caligula got his horse appointed to the Roman Senate. He wanted to insure neigh votes.
* * *
Season 7 of Game of Thrones disappointed me. The ending was an auntie climax.[/FONT]
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]At the end of the Bobbit trial, Lorena was found not guilty. The evidence just didn’t stand up.
* * *
I found my wife on a dating site. Hope she hasn’t been cheating as long as I have.
* * *
“What do you want for your birthday, son?”
“A puppy! I want a puppy!”
Two days later...
“Hey, Pop! Where are you going with my dog?”
“Back to the pound. It isn’t your birthday anymore.”
* * *
The demon Pazuzu was picked up by vice cops. They charged him with possession.
* * *
I give props to my grandpa. He can’t stand without ‘em.
* * *
Brunette husband: “Darling... why did you put an 80 watt bulb in my lunch pail?”
Blonde wife: “Because of your diet. You said you wanted a light snack.”
* * *
I’m currently 60 days clean. It’s been tough staying in the shower that long, but drugs have helped a lot.
* * *
A man is sitting at a park bench eating a frankfurter when a woman approaches with her small dog. As soon as the the pooch sees the man, it starts growling.
“Mind if I toss him a bit?” the man inquires.
“Not at all,” the woman replies... whereupon the guy picks up the mutt and throws it over the park fence.
* * *
American astronauts noticed that ordinary pens wouldn’t work in space, so NASA spent a full year and 12 million dollars developing one that would operate in zero gravity.
At the same time, cosmonauts were using pencils.
* * *
All male politicians are gay. They must be if they have man dates.
* * *
My nephew swallowed down 8 Cokes in a row; he vomited 7 up.
* * *
Kid Rock has announced that he no longer plans to run as Republican candidate for the Michigan state senate. This comes as a great relief to the Democratic front runner, Kid Scissors.
* * *
Customer: “I hear you carry a special pill that enlarges your penis. Does it really work?”
Pharmacist: “Indeed it does, sir!”
Customer: “Can I get it over the counter?”
Pharmacist: “Possibly. But you’ll have to take two.”
* * *
Bear in mind... there’s nothing more dangerous than a psychic grizzly!
* * *
A little frog hops up to a beautiful maiden and chirps, “ Kiss me and I’ll become a handsome prince!”
“Screw that!” she cries, grabbing him up. “I’d rather have a talking frog!”
* * *
My uncle is an important figure in the American civil rights movement! He’s the one who told Rosa Parks to move to the back of the bus.
* * *
“Daddy, what does ‘gay’ mean!”
“Well... uh... er... gay means to be happy, son.”
“Oh! So are you gay, then?”
“No, boy. I can’t be gay. I have a wife.”
* * *
Those ugly rumors about Jeffrey Dahmer’s cannibalism must have been lies. Surely he was a vegetarian, if his favorite meal was sliced dates.
* * *
My great grandpa was absolutely convinced that the Titanic would sink. He went on and on about; people called him crazy and told him to shut up, but he refused to hold his peace. He raised such a ruckus, they finally threw him out of the theater.
* * *
My crush and I are in complete accord! We both like her, but neither of us likes me.
* * *
Hear about the mohel who developed astigmatism? He got the sack.
* * *
Three teens are walking along a lake, when they hear frantic calls for help. They immediately plunge into the water and save a drowning man. Once back on dry land, the lads are stunned to see they’ve rescued Donald Trump!
“I’m the President of the United States and a billionaire!” Trump states proudly. “Ask anything you want as a reward!”
“I’d really like a brand new car!” gushes the first.
“Done!” beams Trump.
“Can... can I have a new house for my family?” asks the second.
“No problem!” Trump replies. “And for you, young man?”
“Well,” says the third boy, “I guess what I want most is a tombstone.”
“A tombstone?!” Trump gasps in consternation.
“Yep,” the boy returns. “When my dad finds out what I’ve just done, he’s gonna kill me.”[/FONT]
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]I ran my camera’s memory card through the dishwasher. I was eager that all my pictures have watermarks.
* * *
Believe it or not, the Roman Empire had perfected a way of weaponizing the weather. Makes it so much easier to understand the phrase “Hail Caesar”.
* * *
You can tune a guitar, but you can’t tune a fish. Not unless it’s a bass.
* * *
The difference between a weasel and a stoat? A weasel is weasilly recognized; a stoat is stoatally different.
* * *
Today I saw a huge line of people outside of Toys R Us.
“What’s all this?” I asked.
“It’s getting close to Christmas,” I was told. “This is the Barbie queue.”
And like a fool I spent the next 45 minutes waiting for a burger.
* * *
Oxygen is surprisingly destructive. It can kill you even when you aren’t in the same room.
* * *
The doctor warned me to give up booze. I’ve chosen to take it on a case by case basis.
* * *
Patient: “Doctor, I have a neurotic compulsion to collect volumes of ‘War and Peace’.”
Psychiatrist: “When did this start?”
Patient: “Well sir, it’s a long story...”
* * *
The man who first learned to keep track of a whole year’s passage by counting the days on his fingers had too much time on his hands.
* * *
A homeowner hears a knock on his door. Opening it, he’s surprised to see a tiny Grim Reaper.
“What do you want, shorty?” the man inquires.
The Reaper looks up and hisses, “I’m here for the hamster.”
* * *
I enjoy applause as much as the next guy, but I didn’t appreciate it when my girlfriend gave me the clap.
* * *
The on/off button was unhappy in its work. It was constantly depressed.
* * *
I used to date an Asian girl, but we had a messy break up. I was badly disoriented.
* * *
There’s a reason why grass blades are so thin: they eat light.
* * *
A group of tourists visit an old English castle. One nervous lady whispers to the guide, “This place sure is spooky. Hope we don’t run into any ghosts!”
“Not to worry, mum,” the man replies. “I’ve been here 300 years and I haven’t seen one yet.”
* * *
If you’re a witch, make sure to use a broom. Never use a vacuum cleaner; you can easily fly off the handle.
* * *
My doctor just diagnosed me with severe hemorrhoids. Finally, I’m a badass!
* * *
A man is having anal sex with a prostitute, when my wife walks in.
“You can’t do this to me!” she wails.
“I know,” he replies. “Why else do you think she’s here!”
* * *
Over the weekend, I met a couple of hipsters. Properly, I guess they’re called “conjoined twins”.
* * *
Which timepiece has the fewest moving parts?
A sundial.
Which timepiece has the most moving parts?
An hourglass.
* * *
I’ve been told that infinity is not a number, but I think that’s wrong. Looks a lot like number 8 fell down drunk.
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]Eating lobster can definitely improve your vision. It’s great see food.
* * *
Sexual intercourse lasts 10 minutes, roughly. But you can extend that to half an hour if you’re more gentle.
* * *
Capitalism looks good on paper. Really, examine a hundred dollar bill sometime!
* * *
If you’re afraid of eating too much over the Christmas holiday, make sure to double the amount of rum in your eggnog. Enough booze will kill your fear of anything.
* * *
Don’t pester the lower-case “t”. It’s already a little cross.
* * *
The difference between a dead snake and a dead lawyer? The skid marks in front of the snake.
* * *
I saw a man choke to death once. ‘Course, for most people, once is enough.
* * *
A child with an imaginary friend is normal.
An adult with an imaginary friend is odd.
A group with an imaginary friend is religion.
* * *
The best known tribal leader in Saudi Arabia owns dairy cows. He’s a milk sheik.
* * *
Nurse: “Wake up, sir. You’ve been in a serious accident and are suffering from temporary paralysis. You may not feel anything from the waist down.”
Patient: “Okay. Can I feel your tits, then?”
* * *
I often wonder what my folks did for entertainment before the internet. Neither me or my 12 brothers and sisters can figure it out.
* * *
The dead man was found face down in a pool of his own blood. My blonde sister is convinced he drowned.
* * *
I’ll be disabling my pop-up blocker tomorrow. That’s when my divorce becomes finalized.
* * *
Cop: “Sir, is this a picture of your wife?”
Husband: “Why, yes. Yes it is,”
Cop: “I’m sorry to have to tell you, but it looks as though she was hit by a train.”
Husband: “Yeah, I know. But on the plus side, she’s a darned fine cook.”
* * *
What do you do if a raging bear is inches from you, ready to tear you to pieces? How could you save yourself?
Press paws.
* * *
Anytime you feel lonely, buy stock shares. It’s a guaranteed way to get a bit of company.
* * *
How do you punish a felon charged with a battery?
Put him in a dry cell.
* * *
It’s a good thing Elon Musk decided on SpaceX to fly to Mars. If he’d chosen SpaceY, it would have landed on a 14 year old boy.
* * *
I don’t usually spend the evening out, but Open Mike Night sounded like fun. That’s until we arrived at the morgue...
* * *
Cinderella arrives at the ball. She damn near chokes.
* * *
No one knows how many homeless gays there are. They have no closet to come out of.
* * *
Two Clinton supporters die and go to Heaven. When they meet with God, one of them asks, “Tell me, please! Why did you allow Trump to collude with the Russians and steal the election?”
God sighs wearily and replies, “There was no Russian collusion. Clinton lost because the public hated her even more than Trump. If only you’d nominated Sanders, he would have won it all.”
One of the men looks covertly to the other and whispers, “Yikes! This conspiracy goes even farther than we thought!”[/FONT]
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]An old carpenter built a wooden puppet which then came to life and molested him. It was a case of geppetophilia.
* * *
If you drink every day, you’re clearly an alcoholic. To avoid this, I’ve chosen to drink only at night.
* * *
Motorist: “I’m terribly sorry to have to tell you, ma’am, but I just ran over your dog. If you’ll allow me to, I’d like to replace him.”
Pet owner: “Well, we can try it. Let’s get a ball and we’ll see how good you are at ‘fetch’”.
* * *
Water with ice: the drink that refills itself!
* * *
What’s the capital of Zimbabwe?
“Z”.
* * *
Relations with my boss tend to be psychological: he’s a psycho, I’m logical.
* * *
Shopper: “These frozen turkeys don’t hold nearly enough meat for Thanksgiving dinner! Can’t you get them any bigger?”
Clerk: “I’m afraid not, ma’am. They’re dead.”
* * *
My cousin in the USMC always follows orders, no matter how humiliating. He ought to be in the Navy... he’s clearly a sub Marine.
* * *
Two idiots, a pee-wee and a giant, are sitting on a wall. Which one falls off first?
The giant. The pee-wee is a little more on.
* * *
I made a big mistake telling my despondent friend that “time heals all wounds”. He was later found dead at the base of a clock tower.
* * *
Flossing used to be a huge pain in the ass. Then someone showed me how to do it right.
* * *
Why did Johann Sebastian Bach’s recital fail?
It suffered organ failure.
* * *
Kevin Spacey is bit like the tortoise in the fable: he’s eager to get to his goal before the hair does.
* * *
A foreign spy sneaks into the White House, seeking American intelligence. Needless to say, he leaves empty handed.
* * *
I hear that Federal Express and UPS plan to merge. Does that mean all their delivery drivers will be Fed-UPS?
* * *
Geneticists tend to be foot fetishists. That’s what comes of fooling with double heel licks.
* * *
What’s the tallest building in town?
The public library. It has over 5,000 stories.
* * *
Same sex marriage is driving single women to despair. Now all the good men are married and gay.
* * *
I hate when it rains cats and dogs; it stops me from keeping important appointments. I’d pay someone to drive me, except that I also hate hailing taxi cabs.
* * *
One of my baby sheep just spontaneously exploded! I’ll have to check more carefully for extreme is-lamb.
* * *
At last! EA has gotten rid of micro-transactions! It’s replacing them with macro-transactions.
* * *
American: “In my country, we have guaranteed freedom of speech. We can even stand outside the White House and shout ‘President Trump is an idiot!’ without any fear.”
Russian: “Don’t act so superior! In my country, it is the same. We too can stand outside the Kremlin and shout: ‘President Trump is an idiot!’”[/FONT]
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]My son said something shocking the other day. Guess I better ground him.
* * *
For recreation, the Pope went swimming in the Mediterranean. It’s now the Holy Sea.
* * *
I’m convinced most charities are scams, so it wasn’t until after constant guilt-shaming that I finally donated $20 to a fund for blind children. Not that the kids will ever see any of it...
* * *
Our 49th state has recently okayed the use of pot for recreational purposes. Gives a whole new meaning to the term “baked Alaska”.
* * *
Ever since I lost my skeleton, I can’t get high. It had all the joints.
* * *
Ever wonder why astronauts are always so calm? Must be ‘cause there’s no pressure in space.
* * *
My friend, the town taxidermist, invited me over for Thanksgiving dinner. I left his house stuffed!
* * *
Library visitor: “Do you have any books on the Titanic?”
Librarian: “Why yes. Quite a few, actually.”
Visitor: “Too Bad. The salt water will have ruined them completely.”
* * *
My brother claims that “icy” is the easiest of all words to remember how to spell. And after some consideration, I see why.
* * *
The Rolling Stones are still rockin’! It’s the easiest thing to do in the retirement home.
* * *
While on maneuvers, I lost my rifle and had to pay $700 to replace it. Small wonder, then, that a captain chooses to go down with his ship.
* * *
Pharaoh’s daughter was a financial genius. She was able to pull a prophet from the rushes on the bank.
* * *
Pharaoh’s daughter was only following Noah’s example; he kept his stock afloat while the rest of the world was in liquidation.
* * *
When I first started to play chess, I was under the impression that the bishops’ positioning was at the corners of the board. Rookie mistake.
* * *
“My old home town! The place where I attended elementary school, had my first beer and lost my virginity!”
“All in the same town, eh?”
“All on the same day!”
* * *
As a prank, I sneaked over to my neighbor’s apartment and lit joss sticks in every room. He was incensed!
* * *
Working for the police force has perfectly prepared my brother to run a train. Not at all surprising: copper is a good conductor.
* * *
I can’t afford venison anymore. It’s too deer.
* * *
Alligator shoes cost a fortune, so I trekked down to the Okefenokee Swamp to catch my own. Should’a known it wouldn’t be that easy... I went through three dozen gators, but not a single one was wearing any!
* * *
Ever notice the thousands of perverted porn pay-sites on the internet? Makes you wonder what the world’s coming to.
* * *
Gotta be careful! I was staring down the barrel of my rifle, when it accidentally went off. It was an eye-opening experience!
* * *
I was pretty cavalier about gun safety until I shot myself in the head. It really changed my mind![/FONT]
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]Recently, I cut the pockets out of all my jeans. I’ve been feeling a little cocky.
* * *
A comparison of Science, Philosophy and Religion:
Science: Searching for a black cat in a dark room.
Philosophy: Searching for a black cat in a dark room, but there is no cat.
Religion: Searching for a black cat in a dark room, but there is no cat. However, some guy keeps yelling that he found it.
* * *
I want a DVD my wife and me can enjoy with the kids, so I thought I’d pick up “Flowers in the Attic”. I hear it’s family friendly.
* * *
An old man on his death bed looks up at his faithful, ever-attendant wife.
“Marta,” he feebly intones, “when my poor papa passed away, there you were, right by my side.”
“Yes, Johann,” she replies.
“And when the Nazis marched into our town square, there you were, right by my side.”
“Yes, Johann.”
“And then, when the shop burned down and we lost everything... there you were, right by my side.”
“All this is true, Johann.”
“And now, in my final moments... here you are, right by my side.”
“Yes, Johann,” she demurely murmurs.
“Marta,” he whispers in a cracking voice, “I’m starting to think you are bad luck.”
* * *
A man who believes he has all of he power in a relationship should consider this: power comes from the socket, not the plug.
* * *
My mother-in-law’s been with us for a week and I thought it might be nice to take her out. Unfortunately, I’ve had trouble finding ammo for my sniper rifle.
* * *
Tortoise and hare race in the Olympics. Hare loses, learns his lesson: slow and steady wins the race. So... who wins next Olympics?
Still tortoise. Hares only live three years.
* * *
When people ask me how much my ride costs, I tell ‘em: $300,00! Well... that is the price of your average city bus.
* * *
Livestock researchers have scheduled a press conference; rumors are that they’ve figured out a way to recycle the meat from baby cows. Should be a big reveal.
* * *
Customer: “Gimme a pack of condoms, please.”
Pharmacist: “Certainly, sir. Would you like a bag?”
Customer: “Not this time! She’s a real looker!”
* * *
If you want to get anywhere in this world, you have to make sacrifices. So... anyone out there sell live chickens?
* * *
The disabled poor prefer to live in Mississippi. That’s because they get double the SSI.
* * *
Don’t blame the holidays. You were fat in August too.
* * *
The first French fries didn’t come from France. They were actually cooked in Greece.
* * *
Alcohol prevented me from being an attorney. I just couldn’t pass the bar.
* * *
Give a man a gun, and he can rob a bank; but give a man a bank and he can rob a whole town.
* * *
He: “Wanna hear a joke about my dick? Never mind... it’s too long.”
She: “Wanna hear a joke about my vaj? Never mind... you won’t get it.”
* * *
Jim Henson’s funeral deeply affected Kermit. He was strangely silent throughout and seemed empty.
* * *
I’ve been speaking Italian all afternoon. My hands are killing me.
* * *
One fine Christmas Eve, a homeowner sees Santa glide to a landing atop his roof.
“Hey Santa,” the man calls out, “I’ve always wondered... how much does that fancy sleigh cost?”
“Not a thing!” Santa jovially replies. “It’s on the house!”
* * *
I’ve always been an advocate for gender equality in pay. I think Oprah and I should be making exactly the same money.
* * *
Adolf Hitler was always consumed with a passion for the occult. Before he came to power, he went to consult a psychic.
Hitler: “Tell me... will I become Chancellor of Germany?”
Psychic: “Yes. You will become chancellor on January the 30th, 1933.”
Hitler: “Amazing! And upon what day am I going to die?”
Psychic: “Here, I cannot be so precise. But it will be on a Jewish holiday.”
Hitler: “But which Jewish holiday?”
Psychic: “Any day you die will be a Jewish holiday.”[/FONT]
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]Bacon has a special place in my heart. It’s just jammed full of cholesterol.
* * *
Two whales are sitting at a bar. The first turns to his companion and murmurs, “waaoooowooooaaaooowaaooooowaa”.
The second whale looks disgusted and replies, “Go home, Henry. You’re drunk.”
* * *
I got a sweater for my birthday. Big disappointment; I was hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
* * *
Job interviewer: “How would you describe yourself in two words?”
Job candidate: “Decisive!”
Interviewer: “Good! And the second?”
Candidate: “Uh... let me get back to you on that.”
* * *
My son would have been three years old today. Good thing I pulled out in time!
* * *
Defecation is an important component of weight control. A good bowel movement will reduce your total body mass by a turd.
* * *
My ex tried to embarrass me by telling her girlfriends I have a small dick. Fortunately, they all know better.
* * *
Q: What’s the least-spoken language in the world?
A: Sign language.
* * *
Our roof must have caught chicken pox once. You can plainly see it has shingles.
* * *
Siegfried and Roy are rumored to be gay. That’s hard to believe if pussy got the better of them.
* * *
I’d like to take a trip to the city of Pripyat someday. Visitors have described it in glowing terms.
* * *
A lot of men have lost their careers over sexual harassment charges. Could that ever happen to Alex Trebek? Even if there’s proof, his job won’t be in jeopardy.
* * *
Sitting in a running car with the garage door closed is supposed to be an easy, painless way to commit suicide. So, I thought I’d try it. Alas, it’s turned out to be a big bust. I’ve been in my Tesla for a full hour now and so far, nothing!
* * *
I recently attended a meeting of The Flat Earth Society. I despair for its future; its members don’t have enough common sense to go ‘round.
* * *
I spend practically every day shooting wolves in the nearby woods, making hundreds and hundreds of kills. My wife wishes I’d cut down to a pack a week.
* * *
Nails are accustomed to head banging. They are, after all, metal.
* * *
I don’t know what to believe. My brother claims that English cars have their steering wheels on the wrong side. So I double checked with an English exchange student; he says it’s on the right side.
* * *
Claims of global warming are pretty hilarious. Even the Arctic ice sheets are cracking up.
* * *
My wife’s in a constant state of depression because she thinks she looks too fat. Man, I really wish she’d lighten up!
* * *
Becoming weaned is a traumatic experience. It leads to long-term mammary loss.
* * *
My dad’s a lot like Santa Claus: I’ve never seen the real one.
* * *
I took my kid to see Santa at the mall yesterday, and he stank to high heaven of booze and tobacco! God knows what the jolly ol’ elf thought of him![/FONT]
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]I didn’t receive a single blessed thing for Christmas last year! Never thought I’d be a stocking victim.
* * *
Peas: “Looks like we’re gonna be leftovers for a second straight night. I see the cook breaking out Reynolds Wrap.”
Carrots: “Curses! Foiled again!”
* * *
Back when I used to work on a cargo ship, I once fell overboard and was swallowed by a whale. It was a desperate situation, but I knew just what to do: I ran around in that big belly for 20 straight minutes until I was pooped out.
* * *
The video game “World Safari 2” offers twice as much deer hunting as the original “World Safari”. You get a lot more bang for the buck.
* * *
I’m getting pretty sick and tired of listening to my little nephew: all he does is brag about his new race car bed! Big deal! Me, I sleep in an actual car!
* * *
Christmas Day is exactly the same as any day at the office: you may do all the work, but it’s a fat guy in a suit who gets all the credit.
* * *
In high school, I had a really tough time passing my Greek Mythology class. You might say it was my Achilles Elbow.
* * *
Hear about the red blood cell that fell in love with the white blood cell? A tragic tale... it was all in vein.
* * *
I got up real late yesterday and managed to miss my uncle’s funeral. But then, I’ve never been much of a mourning person.
* * *
You never see Thomas the Train sitting down. Small wonder... I’m told he has a tender behind.
* * *
I used to be a troubadour at the Renaissance Fair. Had to give it up; I played the lute for so long, I developed minstrel cramps.
* * *
It’s my brother’s obsession to become a monorail driver. He has a one-track mind.
* * *
Hear about the family physician with fake medical degrees? They were doctored credentials.
* * *
We ought to be buying our oil from Israel instead of other Middle Eastern sources. It lasts 8 days for every 1.
* * *
I lost my father because of cigarettes. The day I was born, he went out to buy some and never came back.
* * *
Working at home is okay for some folks. For firefighters, it’s a disaster.
* * *
I got terrible letters during the big Scrabble game last night. Why they sent separate death notices for my aunt and uncle, I don’t know.
* * *
Whether or not faith can move mountains has yet to be verified. We have, however, seen what it can do for skyscrapers.
* * *
My wife caught me in bed with her sister. It’s the inevitable outcome when you marry a Siamese twin.
* * *
The difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus: Santa quit after three Ho’s.
* * *
I go to a chiropractor now. My wife recommended it... she told me to prove I had a spine.
* * *
Viking chieftain Rudolph, brother to Erik the Red, surveyed the ocean to determine if conditions were right for another raiding voyage.
“Not this day,” he declared at last. “Those clouds upon the horizon portend a terrible rainstorm.”
“Are you certain?” questioned his loyal wife. “They look to be so far away.”
“Yes, it is certain,” he assured his beloved. “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”[/FONT]
[FONT=”Comic Sans MS”]My little nephew thinks I’m a magician now. All I did was tell him is that I eat ham and pea soup.
* * *
Love may indeed be blind. Marriage, however, can be a real eye-opener.
* * *
Dear Fork,
I know we haven’t spoken since I ran away with Dish, but I’m writing now to tell you you’re a father. You have a little son and his name is Spork. I know he’s yours; he has your hair.
Start sending checks, please,
Spoon.
* * *
I attended a necrophiliac orgy at the morgue last night... cracked open a few cold ones with the boys.
* * *
The town pediatrician is a testy old soul. He has little patients.
* * *
I’ve never won a medal in sports, so I decided to enter a sun-tanning contest. That way, at worst I’m guaranteed to get a bronze.
* * *
This is a homeopathic joke. It’s been reduced to the point that there’s no actual humor left.
* * *
It’s just not worth it, bringing my wife to orgasm. The last thing I need from her is more moaning.
* * *
Where do Catholics hoard their supply of holy water?
In the God-dammed reservoir.
* * *
I had a quiz in remedial English today; was asked for the past tense of “think”. So, I thought about it... and thought about it... and thought about it... and finally came up with the right answer: “thunk”!
* * *
Harry Potter: “Why on earth did you fetch me a big pot? I told you I was looking for my best friend!”
Dobby: “Oh yes! And Harry also told Dobby he was cauldron!”
* * *
STDs are rampant in the Navy. That’s because the carrier is constantly abusing the sub.
* * *
He: “You wanna divorce, huh? Fine! Take the car! The house! The money in our joint bank account! I don’t want anything more than what I have in my pockets!”
She: “Ha! Done! I didn’t think you’d cave in this easy!”
He: “Ha! And you also didn’t think to check the winning lottery numbers last night!”
* * *
Psychiatrists tell me I’m claustrophobic. What nonsense! I had a great Christmas!
* * *
Norwegian admirals insist on painting bar codes on the sides of their warships. That’s so they can go Scandinavian.
* * *
The IRS is training garter snakes to sneak into buildings and spy for tax cheats... a whole new class of civil serpent.
* * *
Dinosaurs didn’t celebrate Christmas, and for an obvious reason. I mean, look what happened when Comet finally did come sailing through the sky!
* * *
It’s humiliating to admit, but I traffic in human flesh. No choice, really... gotta get my fat ass to work somehow.
* * *
“Merry Christmas, sonny! Here’s your gift!”
“What gives, old man? I told you I didn’t no damn toys this year, just cold, hard cash!”
“That’s why I think you’re really gonna love this!”
“Hey! It’s just an old mayo jar full’a pennies!”
“Yeah, but I’ve had ‘em in the freezer!”
* * *
Won’t be long before we have robot prostitutes! They just need to work in the kinks.
* * *
I’ve placed buckets outside to catch all the dimes and quarters that’ll be raining from the sky! Been super excited ever since I heard about the coming climate change!
* * *
It may surprise you to learn that the most popular sex position in the US is Doggie Style. Yep... he sits up and begs; she rolls over and plays dead.[/FONT]
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]The supernatural can be found in the most prosaic pastimes. Take me, for instance. I eat and sleep regularly... pair a’ normal activities.
* * *
Doctor: (examining x-rays) “Did you know that one of your arms is considerably shorter than the other?”
Patient: “Really? That certainly is funny.”
Doctor: “Funny? Well, it is a little humerus.”
* * *
My wife told me she needs more space. That’s why I locked her outside.
* * *
In olden times, plantation owners had to pay cash for their slaves. It was before the days of Master Charge.
* * *
Having a personal servant isn’t remotely the same thing as owning a slave. They’re hard to beat.
* * *
Shopper: “Any of these products contain artificial coloring or flavors?”
Clerk: “I’m proud to say that none of them do, sir!”
Shopper: “Damn. I’ll have to go somewhere else, then. I really enjoy colorful, tasty food.”
* * *
I got jumped by five gang members last night. My car started right up, but the leader warned that I might need a new battery.
* * *
Earthworms defy mathematics... divide them in half, and you double them.
* * *
I dunno what today’s teens are coming to. Last Sunday I saw one lighting up a joint during church services. It shocked me so much, I nearly dropped my whisky bottle.
* * *
CHP Officer: “Sir, you were going over 100 mph! Do you have any excuse for driving so fast?”
Driver: “I do, officer, a very good one: my girlfriend’s about to give birth!”
CHP Officer: “But I don’t see her anywhere in the car.”
Driver: “Of course not! I’m heading for the airport.”
* * *
My dad must have been famous back in the early 2000’s. They even made a movie about him: “Gone in 60 Seconds”.
* * *
Doctor: “I’m changing your wife’s medication. It seems to be the cause of her intense itchiness.”
Husband: “Hmmm... I’ve never before heard that word pronounced out loud. Didn’t know the ‘B’ was silent.”
* * *
I think our pastor is a shill for aerosol salad dressing. During sermons, he invariably mentions “lettuce spray”.
* * *
Spirit mediums have come up with a bizarre revelation: apparently when bees die and become ghosts, they’re no longer capable of making honey. Instead, they give milk... they’re now boo bees.
* * *
The sexually deviant Roman emperor Tiberius had a private zoo on his pleasure island of Capri. One day, a dealer in exotic animal specimens presented himself.
Tiberius: “And what new, different creatures can you offer me today, dealer?”
Dealer: “Sire, how would you like to see a sloth bear?”
Tiberius: “Sounds like fun! Give me a minute to disrobe!”
* * *
After years of medical training, a friend of mine ruined his career with a small indiscretion... apparently he slept with one of his patients. It was bad judgement, but a shame all the same; he really was a brilliant veterinarian.
* * *
Dyslexic criminals habitually smoke marijuana. They understand it to be a getaway drug.
* * *
I steer well clear of the Red Light district. Never been buy-sexual.
* * *
Museum visitor: “Say, mister... can you give me some idea how far back these dinosaur bones go?”
Museum guard: “Yep. These bones here are 65,000,029 years, 201 days old.”
Visitor: “Wow, that’s really precise dating! How can you possibly be so exact?”
Guard: “Well, they were 65,000,000 million years old when I started working here. But I’m getting durned close to retirement age.”
* * *
Ever wonder about the gangsta tendency to hold their pistols sideways? It’s not being pretentious; that’s just the way they come out of the box.
* * *
Three women are driving through the desert when they have a breakdown. They’re still three days from the nearest town, so they decide to salvage useful parts of their car for survival.
“I’ll take the radiator,” says the brunette. “We can drink the water along the way.”
“I’ll take the roof,” says the redhead. “We can use it for shade.”
“And I’ll take the door,” says the blonde. “If it gets too hot, we can always roll down the window.”
* * *
I customarily end my posts with a dour-expression emoticon : ( . Must annoy people... they keep telling me to turn that frown upside down. So I did; not entirely sure what it accomplished ) :[/FONT]
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]A magic genie once offered to give me my choice: either a perfect memory or a perfect penis. Be damned if I can recall which one I picked.
* * *
When a pirate losses one of his hands at sea, what’s the first thing he does upon making port?
He looks for a hooker.
* * *
My bed isn’t real. I just made it up.
* * *
Cannibal party guest: “Sorry I’m late. Is dinner over?”
Cannibal party host: “I’m afraid so. Everybody’s eaten.”
* * *
Hear about the foreign spy who used stage acting as a cover? He was arrested for committing thespianage.
* * *
Just saw “The Disaster Artist” at the theater last night. I’d give it a hi mark.
* * *
New York hasn’t started 2018 well. It’s already dropped the ball.
* * *
In the wild, cats do their best to beat each other to the next kill. Must be disheartening; it is, after all, a real rat race.
* * *
What a miserable turn of events... my wife died just a week before my birthday. Now what am I gonna wish for?
* * *
“Owww! My back feels awful! I need help, pleassssse! How about Triactin?”
“My thought exactly. Try actin’ like an adult.”
* * *
Gandalf started out life as an illiterate young wizard, but that didn’t last long. He was dedicated to his spell book.
* * *
What should you give an elephant with explosive diarrhea?
All kinds of room.
* * *
Donald Trump’s life is insured by Lloyd’s of London. The rates are insanely reasonable: just one pence.
* * *
I’ll say this about candidate Oprah Winfrey... she has the issues cold. ‘Course, most of them concern weight.
* * *
I’ve got an intense fear of imitations. You might call it a fauxbia.
* * *
An inventor has developed an entirely new kind of railway locomotive. It doesn’t use diesel or electricity... all you have to do is offer compliments. It’s esteem powered.
* * *
My wife is the only one I’ve ever slept with. But I assure you all of my girlfriends are tens.
* * *
“I hear your son beats you regularly at dominos.”
“Yeah. I’m afraid they’ll soon stop us from buying any more pizzas there.”
* * *
That guy with the axe has felled so many trees, he’s developed an extremely powerful spine. He’s now a full-fledged lumbar jack.
* * *
Our newest astronaut hails from the state of Washington. He’s NASA’s most prominent Seattlite.
* * *
In today’s cinema, the hero doesn’t anyways get the the girl in the end. Usually it’s missionary position.
* * *
Knight: “Your Highness, I return to you from a military expedition. In your name, I have levied taxes upon your subjects to the the south, acquired new slaves from traders to the east and burned villages of your enemies to the north.”
King: “But... I don’t have any enemies to the north.”
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]What’s the difference between Donald Trump and Donald Duck?
One quacks, the other tweets.
* * *
I was trying to think of the common name for H2SO4... had it right on the tip of my tongue. Unfortunately, my tongue is gone now.
* * *
In Soviet space, everyone can be heard to scream. But some are heard to scream more equally than others.
* * *
Son: “Dad, can I have a pet rabbit?”
Dad: “I don’t think so, boy. The last time we had a rabbit in the house, it died. Bad things happen when rabbits die.”
Son: “Bad things? Is that really true, Dad?”
Dad: “Well, you showed up, didn’t you?”
* * *
Campbell’s has come up with a new font for alphabet soup. It’s Times New Ramen.
* * *
My girlfriend wants to have sex on a bed of pasta noodles. I think she has a fetishine.
* * *
With all this talk of Asians eating dogs, you might not think they have much regard for what we in the western world consider to be a beloved pet. But that isn’t true at all; Asians really love their dogs. They wok them faithfully.
* * *
Two alien invaders have adopted human disguise and taken up residence in the city. They know all about our physical form, but are totally unfamiliar with our thinking and customs. They’ve read that humans eat dogs, so to fit in they decide they better start doing the same. They therefore trot down to the nearest hotdog stand and place an order. Once their food arrives, they undo the wrappings and examine their meal.
“So,” says the first, after having a long look at the contents of the bun, “... which part did you get?”
* * *
Hot dogs don’t look like regular dogs. Must be ‘cause they’re inbred.
* * *
Indian fruit trees are a great source for laxatives. They reliably make a mango.
* * *
In order to fully trust the light, you need to pass it through a prism. That’s when it shows its true colors.
* * *
Disney now has Marvel, Star Wars, Indiana Jones, all their original Disney product and The Simpsons. If they somehow manage to acquire my divorced parents, they’ll own my whole childhood.
* * *
Hitting clickbait is like touching a live wire. What happens next will shock you.
* * *
The Hunger Games was a big hit in France. Of course, there it was called Battle Royale with Cheese.
* * *
We decided on home birth for our first son, but at the last second the woman hired to assist us had to cancel. We went through a midwife crisis.
* * *
Canada would like to to impose its culture on the whole world. If that ever happens, we’ll all be sorry.
* * *
A Scotsman, having lived a life of isolation in the highlands, inherited a fortune from his uncle. But to collect, he had to travel to Canada, where the old man had gone to retire. After arriving at his uncle’s estate, he glanced out the window and happened to spy a huge shaggy animal with antlers.
“What be that?” he asked his uncle’s lawyer.
“That?” replied the attorney. “Why that there’s a Canadian moose.”
“A moose?!” cried the Scot in shock and alarm. “Good God, Man! Ha’e big’re Canadian rats!”
* * *
I’m not bad at lateral thinking. In fact, I’d like to make it my side job.
* * *
A single conjunction was struggling to move a heavy load. Then, several more showed up. Things became much easier after that: many ands make light work.
* * *
There must be something fundamentally flawed about the USA. Otherwise, why bother to create a USB?
* * *
My army job was cleaning latrines, but I couldn’t even do that right. I was court-martialed for dereliction of doody.
* * *
During evening meal...
Son: “Dad, I’ve read that in some countries bugs are considered delicacies. Are they really okay to eat?”
Dad: “Boy, foreigners are stupid! Bugs are dirty, repulsive creatures! What a revolting question! The dinner table is a completely inappropriate place to bring up such a subject. Don’t mention it again... we’ll discuss it later.”
After evening meal...
Dad: “Okay, my son, what was it you wanted to know about bugs?”
Son: “Never mind, Dad. It’s too late now. The one that flew into your soup isn’t there anymore.”[/FONT]
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]Elephant (to camel): “Haw haw haw! You’re the silliest looking animal ever! What’s with the two boobs on your back?”
Camel: “Ya know, pal... with a face like yours, I’d just let it drop.”
* * *
Last night, I passed a homeless guy while cutting through an alley. Damn diarrhea!
* * *
People seem to be seeking out Tide Pods to eat. I understand they come in a natural selection.
* * *
Tide Pods are getting bad publicity lately, but personally I think they’re a great idea. I support any product that’ll clean up our clothes and our gene pool at the same time.
* * *
My accountant says my bank balance reads like a phone number! I guess that’s good; anyone know what 911 means?
* * *
Cycling on public roads can be terribly hazardous. Those damn helmets can crack the hell out of your windshield.
* * *
Doctor: “ They’ve just come out with a revolutionary new pill. It should really help your insomnia.”
Patient: “Great! How often do I take it?”
Doctor: “Every two hours.”
* * *
Dyslexic bank robber: “Air in the hands, motherstickers! This is a fuck up!”
* * *
Hear about the dyslexic Mormon? He was fully committed to the Church of LSD.
* * *
I was so hungry, I once ate a whole dictionary. It gave me thesaurist throat.
* * *
All your fingers have a role to play, but it’s natural that one should be in charge. That’s a general rule of thumb.
* * *
An employee is summoned to his manager’s office only to find him banging his secretary right there in the middle of the bare floor.
“Geez, boss,” the underling says enviously, “I sure wish things like this would happen to me!”
“Oh, they will,” breathes the burly man heavily. “Right after I’m done with her.”
* * *
Two brothers go to prison. One of them is innocent and the governor promises to pardon him: he lives with hope in his soul. The other is dead-bang guilty and will be there for life: he lives with soap in his hole
* * *
Gin and d’jinn are pronounced exactly the same way. Not at all surprising; both are spirits in a bottle.
* * *
We’ll we’ll we’ll... if it isn’t my old pal, auto-correct!
* * *
Think of your wife as a hand grenade; take off the ring, and you’re liable to lose your whole house.
* * *
So I’m bellied up to the bar, pounding back a couple, when this Chinese guy sidles up next to me and takes a long draw of brew.
“Hey,” I sez to him, “You know any o’ them fancy martial arts like judo or kung fu?”
“Why you askin’ me?” he replies, offended. “Is it because I’m Asian?”
“No,” I sez back. “It’s ‘cause you’re drinking my beer.”
* * *
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never harm me. Unfortunately, all I brought was names to a sticks-and-stones fight.
* * *
Porn stars never lose their cool. That’s because they keep their fans turned on.
* * *
Ever wake up, give the one alongside you a big, long, lingering kiss and just be glad you’re alive? God, I’ll never do that again. The stranger in the airline seat next to mine didn’t appreciate it one little bit.
* * *
Son: “Dad, I hear that in India a man doesn’t know anything at all about his wife before he marries her. Is that really true?”
Dad: “Yes, boy, it’s true. It’s true everywhere.”
* * *
I go to rent the limo... I’m there an hour. I go to rent the tux... I’m there an hour. I go to buy the corsage... I’m there an hour. We get to the prom. I go for refreshments, and am back in a few minutes. There is no punchline.[/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS”]Vladimir Putin would like to return Russia to its Cold War glory days. He’s pushing for a Soviet Reunion.
* * *
My Siamese cat may actually be a Chinese communist. He’s constantly shouting “Mao!”
* * *
For me, every romantic encounter is a quickie. All I want is secs.
* * *
Patient: “Doctor, if I’m all the same to you, I’d prefer that my husband be in here with us while you do your examination.”
Doctor: “Ma’am, I assure you I’m both thoroughly professional and a gentleman.”
Patient: “Maybe so. But I my husband’s out there with your pretty receptionist, and I assure you he isn’t either.”
* * *
It’s important to me to show a woman exactly how I feel. But I’m always careful to cover my face when I feel it so she can’t identify me.
* * *
What a deal! I recently cornered the market on USDA-approved chicken strips! I’m up to my eyeballs in legal tender!
* * *
Sex is perfectly harmonious until a condom flies out the door. You can tell it was pissed off.
* * *
I’m done forever asking rhetorical questions. I mean, what’s the point?
* * *
He: “You smell really good tonight!”
She: “Yeah, I’m using a brand new nasal spray.”
* * *
My brother, the anarchist, has been highly unstable since he got out of prison. He’s now a free radical.
* * *
Democrats were quite proud of the first black US president. However, the GOP was afraid he might turn our country into an Obama Nation.
* * *
Theodore Kaczynski showed criminal tendencies even as a child. He once fed an explosive device to his uncle’s prize steer and blew it sky high. When authorities asked him to describe the incident, the man told them: “Abominable. Simply abominable.”
* * *
My uncle drowned in a vat of furniture polish. The rest of the family was upset, but I thought he had a beautiful finish.
* * *
The farmer’s wife gets up one morning to collect eggs and is stunned to find all the hens brandishing weapons.
“You’ve stolen our possessions for the very last time” they snarl. “We’ve had enough and we’re rebelling; this is a chicken coup!”
* * *
My Swedish neighbor follows his ex around, trailing her from work all the way to her residence. It’s to be expected: he’s from Stockholm.
* * *
How sad for Mario! His dad, the master chef, just pasta way. He’s now a pizza history.
* * *
People may love them, but it doesn’t matter: I’m not making any more donuts. I’m tired with the hole business.
* * *
Ever wonder why the chess Queen can move in any direction for as far as she wants? She must feel totally at home. Perfectly understandable... the chessboard looks so much like a kitchen floor.
* * *
The last three guitars I worked on sounded terrible and I thought Fender was gonna fire me. But I’m not worried now! My manager told me “Fret not.”
* * *
Patient: “So doc, you think I’ll live a happy, long life?”
Doctor: “I very much doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus.”
Patient: “Seriously? Sorry, but I don’t buy all that astrology jazz.”
Doctor: “What does astrology have to do with it? I just broke my rectal thermometer.”
* * *
Sexual harassment complaints keep getting lodged against me at work, but instead of firing me the company just moves me to different office. It’s been touch-and-go.
* * *
Grandpa: “I don’t trust that priest! He had his hands all over me!”
Grandson: “That wasn’t a priest, granddad. It was the doctor,”
Grandpa: “Oh. I thought he was mightily damn familiar for a priest.”[/FONT]
