Donald Trump was glued to the Olympic coverage. He was eager to find out just how high foreigners can jump.
* * *
My grand-dad was an army baker. He took to the field with buns a'glazing!
* * *
Holmes and Watson are tracking a killer, when they unexpectedly come upon a citrus orchard.
Watson: Gracious, Holmes! What is that up ahead?
Holmes: A lemon tree, my dear Watson.
* * *
A woman tried to take advantage of me next to her Honda Civic, but I resisted. If I'm to have sex, it'll be by my own Accord.
* * *
Two coins accidentally dropped from my pocket. The nickel rolled down a sewer grate and was lost, but the quarter stopped short. It had better cents.
* * *
The defendant was accused of raiding his neighbors flower bed, but he got off. Seems all the evidence had been planted.
* * *
My former wife told me about a movie she thought our son should see. She gave it four stars. But I'll be damned if I send him to any film that's ex rated!
* * *
A ghost floats into a bar.
"What can I get ya?" the bartender drawls.
"Don't bother," the shade replies. "I brought my own boos."
* * *
I ran home behind a bus to save the $2.50 fare. Then it occurred to me... if only I'd run behind a taxi! I could have saved $15.00!
* * *
Grand Moff Tarkin had all sorts of trouble finding the rebel stronghold. That's because he looked for it in Alderaan places.
* * *
My girlfriend and I used to practice safe sex. Unfortunately, she doesn't work at that bank anymore.
* * *
Patient: Doctor, you have to help me! I think I'm a moth!
Doctor: Sir, if you think you're a moth you really ought to see a psychiatrist.
Patient: I was on my way to the psychiatrist's office. I only came in here because the light was on.
* * *
An old woman dies and goes to heaven.
Woman: St. Peter, will it be possible for me to reunite with my husband?
St. Peter: Certainly, ma'am! What was his name?
Woman: John Smith.
St. Peter: Hmmm... that may not help much. John Smith is a mighty common name. Tell me, can you recall his last words?
Woman: Indeed I can. He said to me, "Woman, don'cha see no more men once I'm dead! Ya'll have me turnin' over in m'grave!"
St. Peter: Ohhhhh! You mean ol' Pinwheel Smith!
* * *
My algebra teacher just retired. She's now dealing with the aftermath.
* * *
I don't mind counting backwards, but I have an irrational aversion to negative numbers. I'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
* * *
Chuck Norris got stabbed. The knife bled to death.
* * *
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars. That's why there are no signs of life.
* * *
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
* * *
Death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience.
* * *
There used to be a street called Chuck Norris, but they had to change the name. Nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives!
* * *
Did you know that cookies are grown like crops? I didn't believe it myself, but I met a man who claims he specializes in raisin' cookies!
* * *
My father has suggested that I fill out an organ donor card. What a guy! A man after my own heart!
Neil Degrasse Tyson and Mike Tyson have this much in common: you may not understand a word either of them says, but you can bet your life you'll wind up seeing stars.
* * *
Mike Tyson refuses to buy a Playstation. He's a confirmed ex-boxer.
* * *
Early in his career, Jesus toyed with the idea of becoming a boxer. Wisely, he reconsidered... turned out he was fatally vulnerable to the right cross.
* * *
Never get caught in line behind the devil at the planning department. He has many forms.
* * *
At the bank today, a little old lady asked a teller to check her balance. Moments later, she was picking herself off the floor.
* * *
A lawyer walked into a bar. Well, technically he wasn't a lawyer yet.
* * *
A blonde returns to the library.
Blonde: You can have this book back! It's awful! There's so many characters I couldn't even follow the plot!
Librarian: So that's what happened to our phone directory!
* * *
Over the weekend I took part in a masturbation contest. Competition was stiff, but I held my own.
* * *
Kim Jong-un (after his father's death): It wasn't unexpected. He'd been il his whole life.
* * *
Child's note to Santa: Santa, there's only one thing I want for Christmas: a baby brother.
Santa's reply note: A fine request! Send your mom down here and I'll get right to work on it!
* * *
There is no divorce at the North Pole. So, when Santa and his wife wanted to break up, they had to get a semi-colon. It's used for separating independent Clauses.
* * *
Hillary's email got hacked. Trump immediately vowed to build a firewall.
* * *
I have a little quirk: I refer to my toilet as a "jim" rather than a "john". I like to be able to tell people, "I go to the jim first thing every morning."
* * *
A family with a small child enters a motel lobby. Dad approaches the clerk and says, "We want a room with three beds and a TV set. And the porn better be disabled!"
The clerk looks up in disgust and replies, "No. It's just regular porn, you weirdo!"
* * *
My wife and I are trying to reignite our love life. She sent me out, saying,"Bring back something that makes me look sexy."
I brought back a large bottle of Scotch.
* * *
My wife doesn't appreciate jokes about her weight. I wish she'd lighten up.
* * *
Jehovah's Witnesses refuse to celebrate Halloween. Who can blame them? No one wants random strangers approaching their houses and knocking at their doors!
* * *
The ape-woman Lucy died three million years ago... fell out of a tall tree while stupidly reaching for some juicy fruit. A definite candidate for a Darwin Award!
* * *
I may be a famous, award-winning gymnast, but there's a down side. If one more person asks me to do a somersault, I swear I'm gonna flip!
* * *
Our town's local artist does his best work in seedy bars and dark alleys. His output is looked upon as sketchy.
* * *
I just ate four cans of alphabet soup for lunch. Tomorrow I expect a truly heroic vowel movement!
Dawg gets his man faster than any other bounty hunter. He's the quicker picker-upper.
* * *
6:30 is the most advantageous configuration for any clock, hands down!
* * *
I recently heard a convincing explanation for the gender wage gap: evidently, men gravitate toward highly paid jobs like doctor, engineer, CEO, etc. Women, conversely, are better suited to lower paying jobs, such as female doctor, female engineer, female CEO...
* * *
My neighbor had the nerve to knock on my door at 3:00 in the morning. Totally interrupted my drum practice!
* * *
Our married life is idyllic! I pick up after her... she picks up after me. We're maid for each other!
* * *
Wow... I just found out I'm distantly related to Alfred Packer, the cannibal who ate five other human beings! That's an awful lot to digest.
* * *
What does the Mighty Thor have on underneath his costume?
Thunderwear!
* * *
I wanted to make Swiss cheese, but my wife brought me non-fat raw material. Damn it, everyone knows you use hole milk!
* * *
I was in Mother Goose Land recently... had myself a one night stand. Or, as the locals refer to it, a Humpty Dumpty.
* * *
Never trust atoms! They make up everything!
* * *
The owner of a wild animal park was eager to crossbreed a horse with a zebra. He therefore selected a dashing, virile Appaloosa stallion, placed him in a compound with a fetching young zebra mare and left to let nature take its course. In the morning he returned, only to find each animal thoroughly pissed off and covered from mane to tail with bruises and welts.
"What on earth happened!?" the park owner cried to the stallion in dismay. "Didn't you find her sexy?"
"I never got to find out!" the horse snorted in disgust. "Couldn't get her damned pajamas off!"
* * *
Neil Armstrong hates leaky space suits! They make his blood boil!
* * *
My nephew is so clueless, he thinks Bill Cosby is a rap artist. Well... actually that's true, as long as you disregard the art.
* * *
The thief didn't leave a fingerprint, a fiber or even a single smudge or sweat mark. It was a textbook example of stainless steal.
* * *
Pirate: Avast, Doctor! Y'must aid me! I mark black spots 'pon m'skin!
Doctor: Sir, you can relax. I've seen this before... they're benign.
Pirate: Nine?! Scurvy dog! There be more'n twenty!
* * *
I'd murder my roommate, but I just don't think I could live with myself.
* * *
A pen has decided to marry a pencil. He's most eager to introduce his bride 2B.
* * *
My rental property is swarming with pests. I called an exterminator, but he said he couldn't be bothered with ten ants.
* * *
Jill is terribly upset about the new iPhone 7. Turns out there's no jack.
* * *
Why would anyone fly Virgin Airlines? When I travel, I want a plane that goes all the way!
* * *
All my wife wants is sex, sex, sex. Yep... three times in 35 years.
* * *
A blonde and a redhead are watching the news. The story concerns a man perched on the ledge of a building.
"Bet'cha 50 bucks he jumps!" the redhead chirps.
"You're on!" the blonde replies.
Sure enough, the man plummets to his death.
"Looks like I owe you," says the blonde.
"Look," the redhead acknowledges, "I have to confess I cheated. I saw that report earlier today."
"Yeah, me too," sighs the blonde. "But I didn't think he'd be stupid enough to do it twice."
Some schlongs are more impressive than others, but no one can have a 12 inch penis. Once you reach 12 inches, it's a foot.
* * *
I hold the World's Record for the smallest penis ever. Don't think you can challenge me... it's really hard to beat.
* * *
A lot of people can't stand Hillary Clinton. Judging by her behavior at the 911 memorial ceremony, she can't stand herself.
* * *
It's no use... I'll never become a successful shepherd. Every time I try to take inventory, I fall asleep.
* * *
I haven't been to the doctor yet, but I suspect my spine's in bad shape. Call it a hunch.
* * *
Beware of dermatologists. They make rash decisions.
* * *
My wife left a note on the refrigerator reading: "This just isn't working. I'm going home to Mother."
I don't know why she's bothering my mother-in-law... I checked the fridge myself and it's running fine.
* * *
I never knew it was so tough to be a little person! Just heard about a poll that claims six out of seven dwarves aren't happy.
* * *
I finally admitted to Mom it was me who broke her antique lamp. She'll never see me in the same light again.
* * *
Why was the "P" irate?
Seems his peg leg made him go "R".
* * *
Paddy is desperately seeking a parking space. He looks heavenward and cries, "Lord, grant me a spot and I swear I'll never again touch Irish whiskey for the rest o' me life!"
Miraculously, a place opens before him.
He gazes upward once more and declares, "Never y'mind! I found one!"
* * *
I wouldn't have thought it, but Adolph Hitler evidently had a favorite videogame. It's called Mein Kraft.
* * *
Two filled donuts decided to divorce. There was an ugly custardy battle.
* * *
Husband: Grab the suitcases! I won 5 million dollars in the lottery!
Wife: How marvelous! Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?
Husband: I couldn't care less! Just get out!
* * *
Straw Hat burned my Hawaiian pizza today. Dummies! They should have put it on aloha setting!
* * *
Some thug tore the middle pages out of my dictionary! It just goes from bad to worse!
* * *
A pair of termites walk into a restaurant and request a table for two.
* * *
A railroad employee murdered seven passengers, but managed to avoid the electric chair. Turned out he was a very bad conductor.
* * *
A husband relaxes on his porch while his wife knocks herself out mowing the lawn. An old biddy surveys the scene with disdain. Finally she can't restrain herself.
"Young man!" she fumes. "You should be hung!"
"I am!" replies the man jovially. "That's why she's working so hard!"
* * *
Sometime during the night, somebody dumped a load of dirt in the middle of my flower bed. Aha! The plot thickens!
* * *
Don't try to disguise a Samsung as an iPhone. The cover is sure to be blown.
* * *
Let's say Trump and Hillary are both drowning. You have scant seconds, and can save only one of them. So...
... which television program would you go home and watch?
My wife mortified me by becoming overly emotional at a funeral service... you know, wailing and pounding on the coffin. But that was just the start... you should have heard her once she was in the crematory furnace!
* * *
I was surprised by a tap on my door. Our plumber has a wacky sense of humor.
* * *
My wife scraped all the skin off the palm of her hand. She complains that dinner's ruined; I think she has grater problems.
* * *
I had to take the battery out of my carbon monoxide detector. All that buzzing was giving me a headache and making me dizzy.
* * *
Abe Lincoln and John Kennedy are considered two of our greatest presidents. Shows you the value of an open mind.
* * *
A slovenly nun enters a saloon to solicit donations. The bartender takes one look at her threadbare clothing, pulls out a shotgun and blows her away.
The patrons are horrified. One of them gasps, "Good God, man! Whatever would provoke you to do that?!"
The bartender stares quizzically at the ratty corpse and declares, "Dunno. Must be a nasty habit."
* * *
Trump and Hillary stand before me. I hold a gun, but only a single bullet. One or the other of them will soon be president. So, who do I shoot?
Obviously... myself.
* * *
The witches from Macbeth have become umpires, and it's driving the league crazy. To them, fair is foul and foul is fair.
* * *
Penis, to condom: Cover me! I'm going in!
* * *
I've heard it said that you burn as many calories during sex as if you'd run eight miles. This I doubt! Who the hell can run eight miles in 30 seconds?
* * *
I loaned Stevie Wonder $1000. It's a lot of money, but I'm not worried... he swears he'll pay me back next time he sees me.
* * *
I cheated on my wife, Lorraine, with a lovely lass named Clairey.
Lorraine found out about it and left me. So...
I can see Clairey now; Lorraine is gone.
* * *
My Belgian roommate must have a bad chest cold. He told me that he's phlegmish.
* * *
Hive drones are such rudimentary creatures, some have been observed flying, stinging or pollenating even though they're technically dead. In this state, they're known as zom-bees.
* * *
Hitler's evil ambitions were evident even back when he operated a record store. He called it The Vinyl Solution.
* * *
I'm learning how to play a "neurotic guitar". It's like a regular acoustic guitar, only more highly strung.
* * *
Who won the presidential debate?
The Voyager Space Probe. It's heading away from Earth at 35,000 miles an hour.
* * *
I just went through my new girlfriend's closet... found nurses' clothes, a French maid outfit, a police woman's uniform, etc., etc. This girl may not be for me... she doesn't seem to be able to hold a job.
* * *
Genghis Khan was very methodical about unifying Mongolia. We went steppe by steppe.
* * *
My inventor friend is working on an invisible hat. He swears there'll be a market, but I just don't see it.
* * *
It's been argued that no woman has ever directed a successful blockbuster film. Which is ridiculous... just look at the "Matrix" trilogy!
My wife wants me to attend a Speech Therapy class, but should I? It's hard to say.
* * *
Good thing that breasts have nipples. Otherwise they'd be pointless.
* * *
My brother weighs 600 pounds. People say he's self indulgent, but I've always found him down to earth.
* * *
Best part of a Fight Club joke? The endless punch line.
* * *
Wife: Hmph! Some math teacher you are! You said you'd be back by 11:45! Here it is, 3 in the morning!
Husband: Be fair, dear. I didn't say 11:45. I said a quarter of 12.
* * *
I'm in a long distance relationship. My girl lives in the future.
* * *
My doctor told me I only had two months to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 30 years!
* * *
The sailors wanted to play cards, but couldn't... not with a captain on the deck.
* * *
A Knight and a Paladin walk into an electronics store.
"I'm looking for a Dell computer," says the Knight.
"PCs, aisle 5," replies the Mage salesman. "And you, sir?"
"I need a Hewlett-Packard printer," the Paladin tells him.
"Sorry," returns the Mage, "I'm all out of HP," and immediately dies.
* * *
If I had to describe myself in one word, it would be:
Not very cooperative.
* * *
The Riot Control officer left early for work. He was eager to beat the crowd.
* * *
Erasers I can tolerate, but with pencils I draw the line.
* * *
I'd always thought that the brain is the most important organ in my body. Then it struck me... what else would you expect my brain to say?
* * *
You'll never hear Ewoks yelling. They always use their Endor voices.
* * *
I have a heroine addiction. I'm only attracted to women who are being menaced by old-time melodrama villains.
* * *
A man enters a bar with a leashed crocodile.
"Do you serve lawyers?" he inquires.
"Sure," replies the bartender.
"Fine," the man says. "A beer for me and a lawyer for him."
* * *
For '80s pop music, you just can't beat Tina Turner!
That's Ike's job.
* * *
Germany's economy was ruined after the Second World War. It was that devastating gas bill.
* * *
Cat-food is made out of beef, turkey, tuna, etc. ... meats that commercials claim cats crave. When was the last time anyone saw a house cat bring down a cow?
* * *
My roommate says I'm schizophrenic. Joke's on him! I don't have a roommate!
* * *
It's a good thing Gatorade began at the University of Florida instead of Florida State. I doubt it would have done well if it had been called Seminole Fluid.
* * *
Julius Caesar: Bartender, I would like a martinus.
Bartender: Don't you mean "martini"?
Caesar: If I wanted more than one, I would have said so!
My place needed repairs, so I took on a part-time worker and gave him a list. When I got back, he'd done only half... numbers 1, 3, 5 and 7. That's what I get for hiring a man to do odd jobs.
* * *
Don't feel sorry for Samsung! Business is booming!
* * *
Samsung gave me the wrong phone. I wanted an S7... I got the C4.
* * *
Husband: I love you. I've always loved you. I will always love you.
Wife: Is that you talking or is it the beer?
Husband: It's definitely me. I'm talking to the beer.
* * *
Guess I can't bench press 200 pounds after all. I just want to get that off my chest.
* * *
In an effort to recruit younger members, radical Islam has developed its own version of the popular kids' icon, Dora the Explorer. They call her Doda the Exploder.
* * *
During the last presidential debate, Mr. Bone was called upon to pose a question. Bill Clinton immediately rose and said he hadn't prepared any.
* * *
My wife and I have decided not to have children. Our son isn't taking it well.
* * *
My aged dad lived with my wife and me during his declining years. Finally, he passed away.
As we made arrangements to bury him, my wife told me, "You know, my mother's getting pretty old too. I've decided that she's going to take your father's place."
"Makes sense to me," I replied. "I'll notify the funeral director."
* * *
I'd never been able to find my wife's G Spot. What a surprise! Turns out her sister's had it all the time!
* * *
Wife: Not tonight, dear. I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.
Husband: Hmmm... you don't have a dentist appointment too, do you?
* * *
I just read that one out of every three people cheats. So which is it... my wife or my girlfriend?
* * *
I've heard that doctors are keeping an amputated human nose alive in a tank of liquid. And what's the name of this secret experiment? Nobody knows.
* * *
While visiting my granddaughter last week, I asked to borrow a newspaper.
"Oh Grandad!" she scoffed. "You're so out of touch! Nobody buys newspapers anymore! Here, use this iPad."
And you know what? She was absolutely right! The iPad is far better! That fly never knew what hit him!
* * *
Jesus must have been drooling on the cross. I mean, how else could he offer salivation?
* * *
Women will sweat for months to achieve an hourglass figure. If you ask me, it's a waist of time.
* * *
It's not my fault I deceived my wife... it's hers, the way she's always harping on me. She turned me into a lyre.
* * *
I laugh in every elevated region. They are, after all, hill areas.
* * *
The difference between a stripper and Donald Trump: a stripper goes up in the poles.
* * *
My new sunglasses have rainbow lenses. They look cool, but since I've had them I can't see straight.
* * *
My doctor wouldn't proscribe Viagra for me, but that's okay. No hard feelings.
* * *
Have you heard all the recent rumors about creepy clowns? Some say it's mass hysteria, but I know better. I've seen all the debates.
My buddy saw Lady Godiva ride past; at the same time, I was busy on the golf links, searching for a lost ball. There was a clear difference... I was occupied with a hunt on a course.
* * *
A man goes to his physician with a lettuce leaf sprouting from his forehead.
"I've never seen anything like it," the doctor observes.
"Doc," the man replies, "This is only the tip of the iceberg."
* * *
Customer: Miss, I'd like eight condoms, please,
Elderly clerk: Don't "miss" me, young man!
Customer: Okay, if you insist. Make it nine.
* * *
Where does a terrorist go after an explosion?
Everywhere.
* * *
Zombies were initially conceived as free labor for plantations and mills. They're basically working stiffs.
* * *
Donald Trump once modeled for a Halloween jack-o-lantern. It was a fair likeness... you could only tell them apart because the pumpkin was bright.
* * *
A woman originated the artistic technique of using paper overlays to achieve precise duplication. Her name was Tracy.
* * *
Why did the tortoise cross the road?
He was heading for a Shell station.
* * *
I planned to make a donation at the blood bank... then they started asking questions. Ye gods, what difference does it make where I got it!
* * *
Our local library has instituted an extra fee for each book returned late. It's their pay per back addition.
* * *
Driver: Why'd you stop me, officer? Are you sure you've got the right man?
Cop: Sure? You were going 90 miles an hour! You've done it habitually, and been getting away with it too! I've been waiting for you for years!
Driver: Well I got here as fast as I could!
* * *
Ever notice how scuba divers fall backwards into the water? Makes perfect sense. If they fell forward, they'd land on the deck.
* * *
I came up with a great title for a fighting game, but it happened to be Tekken.
* * *
"One man's trash is another man's treasure"... what a terrible way to be told you're adopted!
* * *
What's the difference between a seal and a sea lion?
Not much... only a single ion.
* * *
I took my kids to see Disney on Ice. Imagine my horror when they wheeled out a frozen human head.
* * *
Davy Crocket really enjoyed apple pie. His very last one was Alamo-ed.
* * *
What does Bill say to Hillary after sex?
"I'll be home in 20 minutes."
* * *
A man walks into a saloon and finds himself aboard the International Space Station. They set the bar too high.
* * *
My friend is a backwards poet. He writes inverse.
* * *
ISIS has started an arctic contingent. They're calling it ISICLE.
* * *
A disappointed artist gathered up his paint tubes and leapt with them from the top of the Empire State Building . We saw it all from a lower floor; he passed with flying colors.
The army's long made use of pigeons as curriers. Course, the birds need ta be extra sneaky when toting secret info... which is why they always use da skies.
* * *
Technically, Hitler was a hero. He's, after all, the one who finally killed Hitler.
* * *
My cousin accidentally dialed Nike's marketing department instead of the Suicide Hotline. Big mistake... they immediately told him: "Just Do It."
* * *
I understand there's a Viagra computer virus. It converts floppy disks into hard drives.
* * *
My sister's wheelchair broke down. Fortunately, she's a member of Cripple-A.
* * *
An Amish farmer's buggy broke down. Fortunately, he's a member of Triple-Hay.
* * *
I used to be a member of Triple-A, but it became too expensive. So, I joined the AA instead. Now every time I break down, I call my sponsor and tell him I'm tempted to drink. He immediately responds, "Stay right where you are! I'll pick you up in five minutes!"
* * *
I just farted while sitting on my wallet. It was embarrassing, but at least I now have gas money.
* * *
Q: What's the pink stuff between an elephant's toes?
A: Slow tourists.
* * *
My wife tells me our son feels marginalized. Odd... I didn't realize we had a son.
* * *
The moon is much more useful than the sun. The moon, after all, shines the whole night through; the sun only shines during the day, when it's light outside already.
* * *
I've never done any grocery shopping, but maybe I should start! Why should my wife have all the fun?... sounds like a carefree fling to visit a produce isle!
* * *
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how ludicrously competitive we sometimes become. I laugh harder, though.
* * *
I go to the gym religiously. That is to say, every Christmas and Easter.
* * *
Heard about the drag race for infants? It's a formula one.
* * *
I wish I could become a famous clown, just like my father. But those are mighty big shoes to fill.
* * *
If a plumber's career can go down the drain, and a fire-fighter's go up in smoke, can a prostitute be laid off?
* * *
The population in our community is perfectly balanced. Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.
* * *
I always get nostalgic when I look at the ocean. I was, after all, once a semen.
* * *
A drunk walks into a bra. Did I mention that he was also dyslexic?
* * *
I've totally lost interest in dating. It's become fatal to my career... I'm an archeologist.
* * *
A man goes to his doctor for triple his usual prescription of Viagra.
"You gotta help me, Doc," he pleads. "My ex-wife, current girlfriend and old flame will all be in town over the weekend."
The physician is leery, but reluctantly agrees.
Next week, the man returns to the hospital with his arm in a sling.
"Don't tell me there was trouble," the doctor inquires. "Did all three arrive at the same time?"
Never yell "fire!" in a crowded theater. I'll shoot when I'm damned well ready.
* * *
Big news! I am no longer a 30 year old virgin!
I turned 31 today.
* * *
If Donald Trump was Mexican, what would his campaign slogan be?
"We need to build a ladder!"
* * *
When I was young, my mom used to strip in front of our 12 chickens to insure they'd lay a dozen eggs apiece. That's gross!
* * *
The Goodwill Store burned down last night. This morning, the whole town was exposed to second-hand smoke.
* * *
My dad's been taking a self-help course which teaches that to grow, a person needs to embrace his mistakes. So... why's he been hugging me so long?
* * *
"Wanna hear a story about sodium?"
"Na."
"How about potassium?"
"K."
* * *
A jeweler cast a pendant of an adorable puppy in solid gold.
Au!
* * *
A mad scientist has spliced your genes together with those of a gopher and a duck. He calls the resulting creature Gophuckyourself.
* * *
Two statisticians are out duck hunting, when they notice a nice fat mallard winging overhead. They both fire at the same time; one shot passes 6 feet above the target, the other passes 6 feet below.
"Got him!" they both cheer.
* * *
North Korean news network: Another triumph! North Korean space probe discovers water and fish on moon!
Reuters: North Korean rocket found in Indian Ocean.
* * *
Chinese tourists are usually disappointed when they visit the US. As soon as they buy souvenirs to take home, they discover that they're all made in China.
* * *
I'm marrying a widow with a dozen kids. It's a twelve step program.
* * *
My brother may be on the run, but I insist he could have a fabulous career as a blacksmith. Every time he hears a siren, he makes a bolt for the door.
* * *
I wouldn't say my neighborhood's been gentrified; at best, it's been demilitarized.
* * *
In business, teamwork is essential. It's vitally important to spread the blame.
* * *
Bill Clinton's presidential legacy and Hillary Clinton's presidential ambition have this much in common: they're both being spoiled by a Wiener.
* * *
I just read that an average person has sex 89 times a year. Man, my December's gonna be insane!
* * *
I was minding my own business, when my girlfriend starts hollering, "You weren't even listening to me, were you?"
Wow, what a weird way to start a conversation!
* * *
Halloween should have been held on November 8th this year. I can't think of anything scarier.
* * *
You read so much about the negative effects of drinking and smoking; makes you want to stop reading altogether.
* * *
A man, stumbling home late from a Halloween party, decides to take a shortcut through a cemetery. Midway through, he hears an eerie, persistent tapping... approaching fearfully, he discovers a withered old man chipping away at a grave marker.
"You scared the hell out of me!" the drunk cries. "I was afraid you might be a ghost or a zombie! Why on earth are you working out here so late?"
The gaunt man looks up in irritation.
"Damn stone carver!" he rasps. "He spelled my name wrong."
Despite his keener senses, Chewbacca failed to alert Han and Luke to the forest trap on Endor. It was a Wookie mistake.
* * *
Trump's victory slogan:
"If at first you don't succeed, keep on suckin' till you do succeed!"
* * *
Donald Trump hasn't spent a single day in office, yet he's clearly shown he has a racist agenda. For months now, he's focused on kicking a black family out of their home.
* * *
Should be easy for Trump to build his wall; all the liberals are shitting bricks.
* * *
When I was young, my mother would always tuck me in. She really would have preferred a girl.
* * *
There's nothing funny about Hillary's email scandal... not unless you have a good sense of Huma.
* * *
Mom refuses to state which offspring she loves most. It's hurtful as hell, considering I'm an only child.
* * *
Chemists tell us that alcohol is an effective solvent. I have no trouble believing that... it certainly dissolved my marriage.
* * *
Our local minister is a pretty hip guy... gets out to see his parishioners using a motorcycle. Folks refer to him as Rev.
* * *
I enjoy beer, but do I need it every day? I'll decide that on a case by case basis.
* * *
Enough is enough!
Goes without saying, really.
* * *
I can count my visits to Chernobyl on one hand... seventeen.
* * *
It was so quiet in Chicago during the last inning of the World Series, you could hear a cartridge drop.
* * *
I made a sizable investment in a bakery shop. So far, we've had a good turnover.
* * *
A man comes to work an hour late, his glasses twisted, his face badly bruised and bloodstains on his shirt.
Boss: Good lord, man! What happened?
Man: I fell down a flight of stairs.
Boss: And it took you a whole hour?
* * *
I'm currently working at the Coca Cola factory as a taste-tester, but not for long. It's soda grading.
* * *
Before setting sail for Treasure Island, Long John Silver sought out a place to get lunch. He settled on Arrrrrbys.
* * *
What does a woman have up front, but a cow has in back?
The "w".
* * *
Some see the cup as half full; others see it as half empty. In either case, you're going to need a smaller bra.
* * *
67... 68... 69. And what follows 69?
Mouthwash.
* * *
I noticed picket signs during my drive into town. Odd protest: "End Construction"!
* * *
An old Jewish woman and her grandson are walking along the beach, when a huge wave snatches the child out to sea.
The lady falls to her knees and pleads, "I beg you, Lord! Rescue my little Herschel!"
There is rumble of thunder and a blinding flash of light. The child is miraculously standing back on dry land, drenched and shivering but completely safe.
The election is over! America now prepares for come-Trump/Pence!
* * *
Mom: Why don't I ever see Stevie around anymore? You and he used to be such close friends.
Johnny: Friends!? Would you be friends with a guy who always called you names, beat you up, and took your lunch money?
Mom: (horrified) No! I certainly would not!
Johnny: Then you know how he feels!
* * *
Ever notice how many writers can't tell the difference between "your" and "you're"? Their so illiterate!
* * *
The blind are super conscientious about pets! Look how often they walk their dogs!
* * *
Dolly: Would you like a yummy cupcake, Mr. Teddy Bear?
Teddy Bear: No thanks. I'm stuffed.
* * *
Ever notice that gay men tend to be really well dressed? They didn't spend all that time in the closet for nothing!
* * *
I've been getting in touch with my inner self lately. Damn chintzy one-ply toilet paper!!!
* * *
Heard the one about a jump-rope? If you have, you can skip it.
* * *
My next-door neighbor's a stripper. She's invited me over on Thanksgiving for a twerky dinner.
* * *
"So, what did you think of my nightclub routine?"
"Don't quit your day job."
"Thanks! I do matinees, too!"
* * *
My girlfriend is just like a fairy princess. I can't prove to anyone that she exists.
* * *
Jewish pedophile: "Hey, little girl... wanna buy some candy?"
* * *
If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck... chances are it's desperately undercooked.
* * *
Girl's father: "You miserable little bastard! You stole my daughter's virginity!"
Girl's boyfriend: "Please forgive me, sir! It'll never happen again!"
* * *
Spongebob may be the main character, but Patrick is the star of the show.
* * *
What's the difference between a cow and a Pokemon?
You can't milk a cow for 20 straight years.
* * *
Captain Hook ran an entire pirate ship singlehanded.
* * *
Don't try to share secrets with a clock. Time will tell.
* * *
Two blondes are out on their bikes, when they take a sudden detour down an extremely bumpy road. Once they get to the bottom, one turns to the other and says, "Wow! I never came this way before!"
* * *
A new furniture retail center, The Sofa King, just opened downtown. The prices are terrific... or, to quote the ads, they're "Sofa King insane!"
* * *
Cigarettes can be terribly damaging to young children. Remember to use an ashtray instead.
* * *
Donald Trump has done something unprecedented. He got in the last word with a woman.
"Sugar" is the only English word in which the "su" spelling makes the "sh" sound. That hasn't been confirmed yet, but I'm sure it's true.
* * *
My dad's an angler. He's a reel man!
* * *
How do you drown a beatnik?
Drag him into the mainstream.
* * *
While visiting my country cousin, I became extremely thirsty. He told me, "Go on out back... ya'll find a deep, round hole full a'water."
I know he meant well.
* * *
Throughout his life, a guy will either be called "young man" or "old man". Way to cut out the middle man!
* * *
I bought some jewelry for my epileptic girlfriend. Just a few simple pieces... nothing flashy.
* * *
Flight attendant: We are now airborne. May I take your drink orders, gentlemen?
Hedonist: I'll have me a double whiskey.
Flight Attendant: And you, sir?
Devout man: I'd rather be raped by a dozen drooling *****s than let liquor touch my lips!
Hedonist: Me too! I didn't know that was an option!
* * *
In the beginning, God created a 24 hour time period comprised of light followed by darkness. Once done, He called it a day.
* * *
Women are expected to be a large part of Donald Trump's administration. I understand that even the new Presidential Band is full of Trumpettes.
* * *
When contemplating civil action, it's important to select the right attorney. A bad lawyer can make a case last for months; a really good one can drag it out for years.
* * *
I hate how politically correct we've become. I can't even say "black paint" anymore; it's all, "Leroy, please use the cream colored enamel in the bedroom."
* * *
Canadians are known for saying "aboot". Must be 'cause the snow's too high for regular shoes.
* * *
Russian Roulette sounded like fun for everyone, but my friends have become a bunch of sore losers.
* * *
What does the Duke do when the serfs rise up?
He hangs ten.
* * *
My girlfriend just told me she's HIV positive. It was the hardest thing I ever had to listen to... and act surprised.
* * *
Where does a river get its richness?
From its two banks.
* * *
The judge says my crimes make me eligible for capital punishment. I'm not sure what those words mean; I told him to use them in a sentence.
* * *
Occam's Disposable Razor: when faced with several equally valid hypotheses, tend toward the one that's least expensive.
* * *
I look back on the days when I had casual sex. Both of them.
* * *
"Welcome to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. I see several new faces tonight... must say, I'm severely disappointed."
* * *
Making arrangements for my wife's funeral has been terribly trying. It'll be even worse if she finds out about it.
* * *
Mother: Let's study for tomorrow's geography test. Give me the capital of Germany.
A completed pregnancy makes my wife feel young again. It brings out her inner child.
* * *
Don't let a volleyball player anywhere near your drink... not unless you want it spiked.
* * *
For her birthday, I planned to chauffeur my girlfriend, just like she was a princess. And I did... unfortunately, it was just like Princess Diana.
* * *
A chicken walks into a bar. The bartender looks down and says, "Hey, buddy, I think you're in the wrong joke."
Elsewhere, a drunk is trying to stagger across a road...
* * *
My ex-girlfriend was into auto-erotic asphyxia... she wanted to be strangled to the point that she turned blue. What a crazy time to find out I was color blind!
* * *
Pirate gunner: Cap'in! The cannons be ready to fire!
Captain Grammer: Arrrrre!
* * *
I plan to stay chaste my whole life. It'll set a good example for my kids.
* * *
Top US policy is conducted in the Oval Office. That's because the government likes to cut corners.
* * *
I wish now I'd listened to the advice Mom gave me when I was young. What did she say? Dunno... I wasn't listening.
* * *
Hear about the guy who made it into the Guinness Book of World Records for the most concussions ever? He lives a stone's throw away.
* * *
I won't let our town barber cut my hair any longer. I came in to get it shortened.
* * *
Innkeeper: The room costs 20 dollars. But I'll knock off 5 if you make your own bed.
Traveler: Ha! I don't need no maid service! Sure, I'll make my bed.
Innkeeper: Fine. I'll get you boards and a hammer.
* * *
I hate it when the homeless shake their change cups at me. They don't have to rub it in that they've got more cash than I do.
* * *
I just saw a fascinating documentary on marihuana. I enjoyed it so much I've decided to watch every movie that way.
* * *
What, after all, is a female without a male?
Merely a fe.
* * *
I'd just bought my Christmas ham, when some vandal defaced it by scrawling an "s" on the front end and an "e" in back. What a shame!
* * *
The superhero Flash has a few gray hairs now. It actually makes him quite dashing.
* * *
I don't know what I'd do without my fingers. I can always count on them.
* * *
A misbehaving student was forced to write on the blackboard "I am a bad, bad boy" so many times that he finally passed away. He was sentenced to death.
* * *
My therapist told me I should be more spontaneous and less contemplative. It's certainly something to think about.
* * *
Nerd: Santa, I want a dragon for Christmas.
Santa: A dragon?! Ho ho ho! Young man, dragons are imaginary! You need to be more realistic.
Nerd: Okay. How about a girlfriend?
Santa: And what color dragon did you have in mind?
Male porn stars make great employees. They're used to working hard.
* * *
My brother is a safety inspector, checking for gas leaks in the manufacturing district. He tells me he starts with the ol' factory.
* * *
There's usually no complaint if you grab an animal's toe. Just don't try it with a camel.
* * *
Skeptics warned that Beethoven's deafness would prevent him from composing any memorable music. Fortunately he didn't listen to them.
* * *
I was fired from my job because I carved a few flint tools. They caught me knapping.
* * *
If you plan to go hunting, never use a bow. It offers endless drawbacks.
* * *
9/10 people order a medium pepperoni pizza.
9/11 people get a large plane.
* * *
I have no desire at all to meet my doctor's medical staff. Snakes terrify me.
* * *
Right eye, to left eye: "Between you and me... something smells."
* * *
Watching too much porn gave me unrealistic expectations about sex. I thought I might actually get some.
* * *
Bra, to hat: "You go on a head; I'll give these two a lift."
* * *
My next door neighbor comes from New Delhi. Unfortunately, he drinks heavily... every night, like clockwork, he staggers home and punches his wife in the face. 12 AM, right on the dot.
* * *
How do you get a Lannister bed?
Push two twins together to make a king.
* * *
I went to hell and back to find the perfect Christmas gift for my girlfriend. So if she doesn't like it, she can return it herself.
* * *
Buzz Aldrin was the second man ever to set foot on the moon... Neil before him.
* * *
I got sick at the airport. Never thought I'd contract a terminal illness.
* * *
What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?
Stephen Hawking, after a house fire.
* * *
I pine for tasty synonym rolls... the kind that Grammer used to make.
* * *
Michael Bay is casting a film about the great Classical composers. Arnold Schwarzenegger is rumored to be up for a part, so a Hollywood reporter presses him for an interview.
"Ja, it is true," Schwarzenegger tells him. "Bruce Willis will play Mozart. Sylvester Stallone has been selected as Beethoven."
"And what about you, Mr. Schwarzenegger?"
"I'll be Bach."
* * *
I've always said to my kids, "Stay in school!"... but they insist on coming home afterward.
* * *
A young man becomes radicalized after military action kills his entire family. He is indoctrinated into an ancient religion, joins an organized insurgency, and takes part in an attack against established authority which kills thousands. His name: Luke Skywalker.
"I'm scared sick about this mad cow disease," states the first. "Aren't you?"
"Why should I be?" replies the second. "I'm a choo-choo train!"
* * *
No robot can have a brother. The closest it can come is a trans sister.
* * *
Did you know there was a unicorn in a pen next to Hellen Keller's house?
Neither did she.
* * *
My roommate is a gay midget, but he's proud of it. He came out of the cupboard.
* * *
Don't hang with cows at night. They're up till pasture bedtime.
* * *
I was fired from my hospital job, and all for following instructions! That sign clearly stated: "Stroke Patients Downstairs"!
* * *
A victim of Multiple Personality Disorder will instantly recognize someone else with the same condition. It takes ten to know ten.
* * *
My sister frightened her gynecologist practically to death. He had no idea she was a ventriloquist.
* * *
Though they're the same color, Donald Trump will never be mistaken for an orange. Citrus fruit have thick skins.
* * *
People say I have my mother's eyes. If they can't find the evidence, they've got no damn business accusing me!
* * *
Any man who farts in church sits in his own pew.
* * *
I made my first snowman today. Damn near froze my dick off.
* * *
Genie: You have released me from the magic lamp! As a reward, I will grant you a single wish. Anything at all.
George: That's easy! I want to be rich!
Genie: Your wish has been granted!
Rich: You bastard!
* * *
Never try to eat soup with a fork. It's too much of a strain.
* * *
My father must surely be looking down on me today! No, he isn't dead... he's just extremely contemptuous.
* * *
A firearms manufacturer has developed a long-gun that can fire three bullets at once. He thinks it's a major step forward, but so far the military considers it a trifle.
* * *
Do you ever find that you're talking to yourself?
Pardon me, I wasn't speaking to you.
* * *
My wife and I longed for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. He's cheaper than a kid, and you get more feet.
* * *
It's Christmas, remember, not Chlistmas. Noel.
* * *
A man comes to the checkout counter with an artificial Christmas tree, the kind that needs extensive assembly.
Clerk: Sir, do you plan to put this up yourself?
Costumer: Don't be revolting! I'm going to put it up in the living room!
* * *
Today I made a dog shake. Didn't care for it... too much fur in the ice cream.
* * *
Mario and Luigi board a crowded bus. They're soon engaged in a spirited conversation.
Mario: Emma, she come first. Then I come. Two asses together, then I come once more. Two more asses... I pee twice, then I come one last time.
Eavesdropper: Hey, pervert! Keep your voice down! None of the rest of us want to hear such vulgar talk!
Luigi: 'Scus'a me lady, what'sa wrong? My brother, he only explain to me how you spell "Mississippi"!
Henry Heimlich, the doctor who developed the Heimlich maneuver, passed away recently. It's sad, all right, but this is the wrong time to get all choked up.
* * *
I'll never forget the day Mom and Dad told me there was no Santa. It upset me so much I headed straight to the bar for a good stiff drink.
* * *
Squinting really hard can give you a nosebleed. Especially if you do it in Chinatown.
* * *
My dog thought he could fit through the cat door, but didn't quite make it. He's a little husky.
* * *
"How do you view same-sex relationships?"
"Through a keyhole, like any other voyeur."
* * *
A young lad skips down the street with a huge candy bar. A passerby sees this and lectures, "You know, it's terribly unhealthy to eat that much chocolate."
The boy stares back and says, "Yeah? Well my granddad lived to be 107 years old!"
The man starts.
"He lived to be 107 by eating chocolate?!"
"No. By minding his own business."
* * *
I believe it's morally improper to strike a child as punishment. Nowadays I do it only for laughs.
* * *
The creation of the shovel was groundbreaking, but it was the broom that really swept the nation.
* * *
A lot of people shoot off their mouths; me, I shoot off my foot. This time of year, no one can resist missile-toe!
* * *
What's warm and gray?
A melted penguin.
* * *
It isn't size that matters, it's technique. My penis may measure only an inch and a half, but the way I use it makes it seem twice as big!
* * *
Jesus claimed poverty as a virtue... about what you'd expect from a guy with holes in his hands.
* * *
I'm keen to visit LA, but not sure how to get there. So my brother, he says, "Hey, dummy! All you have to do is follow the freeway signs!"
Well, he's the damn dummy! I watched one a' those things for half an hour and it didn't go anywhere!
* * *
One wall, to another: "Let's meet at the corner."
* * *
When things are at their blackest, I recall the words of Joan d'Arc:
"Holy crap, I'm on fire!"
* * *
It's imperative to slow down at school zones. You can't aim properly if you're driving too fast.
* * *
I married a beautiful woman... a smart one, too! I only pray they never meet.
* * *
In reality, Helen Keller was quite a chatterbox. She'd talk and talk till she was blue in the fingers.
* * *
My wife came home all whiny about something and insisted I console her. So I did... whacked her over the head with my Xbox.
* * *
Stores are now selling tampons with tinsel attached. But only during the Christmas period.
* * *
The ocean eel is considered most romantic of all the world's animals. Not surprising, really... it's a moray.
* * *
A husband bought his wife a huge diamond ring for her birthday.
"It's a beaut!" gushed his next-door neighbor. "But I thought she wanted a luxury car."
"She did," the husband replied. "But where was I gonna find a fake Mercedes?"
I went angling this morning, and caught myself a really stupid fish. What a dumb bass!
* * *
A small bird collides with a taxi cab and the driver hops out to examine its condition. Turns out the poor thing is just stunned, not badly damaged, so he takes it home and puts it in a bird cage to recover.
Half an hour later, the sparrow comes to. It rises groggily to its feet and stares at the bars.
"Oh Jesus!" it moans. "I must'a killed that cabbie!"
* * *
He chops down trees and wears corrective shoes: Paul Bunion.
* * *
Evidently there won't be just one winner in the Flashiest Article of Clothing competition. According to early reports, it's a tie.
* * *
A dragon waddles into a saloon. He notices a prostitute lounging at the bar and immediately gobbles her down.
Bartender: All right, you! Out! No junkies allowed!
Dragon: What you talkin' about? I ain't no junkie!
Bartender: Yeah? Then explain that bar bitch you ate!
* * *
I've never had Ethiopian food. Then again, neither have most Ethiopians.
* * *
Judge: Your trial is going to be postponed. You've committed so many murders, jurors are afraid to be impaneled.
Defendant: Sounds like I have a few more days to kill.
* * *
I've placed a picture of myself into a locket. No, it isn't for a lover... I've longed to be independent.
* * *
A Spanish-speaker will always have trouble doing three things at once... fear of over dos.
* * *
Jesus and his apostles enter a restaurant.
Jesus: Table for 26, please.
Waiter: 26? I count only 13 of you.
Jesus: Yeah, but it's our Last Supper. We all want to sit on the same side.
* * *
My wife had an embarrassing incident on the street when she told a passerby that her water broke. She never should have bought such a flimsy sports bottle.
* * *
Santa's team leader used to light the way, but his bulb finally burned out. He's now known as Rudolph the Dead-Nosed Reindeer.
* * *
My parents surprised me with a brand new car this Christmas!
I get out of the hospital next month.
* * *
Rumor has it that Princess Diana was listening to Pink Floyd in the limo: "The Wall", their last big hit.
* * *
I didn't really understand how lightning worked. Then it struck me.
* * *
Pessimist: I see only a dark tunnel.
Optimist: I see light at the end of the tunnel.
Realist: Uh... isn't that a train heading straight for us?
* * *
Samsung had to call their phone the Galaxy Note 7; the name "Kindle" was already taken.
* * *
I just learned the chemical formula for water: H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O... or, to use scientific shorthand, H to O.
* * *
A couple relaxes in bed after a round of wild, frenzied sex.
She: You know... I used to be Christian.
He: Hey, I don't care. Whatever you are now, it's okay by me.
She: Good. 'Cause I really prefer being Christine.
* * *
Cheap wine comes in a box; cheap winos go out to same way.
* * *
I know a bankruptcy attorney who likes to play dominatrix on the weekends. She tends to mix business with pleasure; a lot of her clients are strapped for cash.
* * *
A horse enters a bar. The bartender asks him if he'd like a drink.
"I think not," states the horse, who vanishes in a puff of smoke.
Note: properly, the subject of this joke should be philosopher Rene Descartes, but I chose not to tell it that way. To do so would have placed Descartes before the horse.
I breed rabbits for a living. It's a hare-raising experience.
* * *
There's a new fast food joint that's rumored to use horse meat in its hamburgers. The flavor's okay, but you tend to get the trots.
* * *
My wife just told me, "See? I've always said that sex is better over the holidays!"
What an awful postcard to receive!
* * *
The Vatican has a strategy for dealing with another Golden Calf. It plans to release a papal bull.
* * *
I've never before seen a UFO. When alien spacecrafts pass overhead, I always know exactly what they are.
* * *
As a New Year's resolution, I've vowed not to eat any more fatty food. But I don't plan to eat any less, either.
* * *
Did you know that all condoms have serial numbers at the base?
Heh! You've probably never had to roll one down far enough!
* * *
My sister died over a bag of airplane peanuts. She couldn't open it to save her life.
* * *
Let's hear it for butter! It's on a roll!
* * *
I never had any intention of climbing up a really deadly peak like K2. Mt. Fuji seemed much less intimidating. But my brother warned me not to try it; he called it a slippery slope.
* * *
The Jews and the Boy Scouts... they both go to camp, but only the Boy Scouts come back.
* * *
I figured out a fool-proof way to drown blondes... paste a scratch-and-sniff sticker to the bottom of a swimming pool.
* * *
Li'l Johnny: Mommy, Mommy! I found a fake dollar bill in Daddy's wallet! Don't worry, though. I threw it away.
Mom: What? How did you know it was fake?
Li'l Johnny: There were a couple of extra zeros on it.
* * *
STD spread by Harry Potter: hogwarts.
* * *
My girlfriend's a feminist and she's turning me into one too. After watching her in the kitchen, I don't want her anywhere near it.
* * *
Librarian: This is the fifth text book you've ruined! What's with you!
Surgeon: Simple professional courtesy... I feel it wise always to remove the appendix.
* * *
The steel in the World Trade Center buildings was furious, and who can blame it! You can't go through all that stress and not lose your temper.
* * *
I thought I'd found a coffin full of baby ghosts, so I gave them a proper funeral. Turned out I'd buried a box of Kleenex.
* * *
A chicken coop has a front door and a back door. Only two... if it had any more, it'd be a chicken sedan.
* * *
My blonde neighbor died raking leaves. She fell out of the tree.
* * *
Official send-off for all southern sailboat racing: "Yawl come back now, y'hear!"
* * *
Why turn into a Muslim extremist on the off-chance of getting 72 virgins in heaven? Become a Catholic priest and claim 'em right now!
There's this brothel, and three gents. The first is approaching the brothel. The second is in it. The third has left. Based on this information, what are their nationalities?
The first, he's a Russian. The second, Himalayan. And the third, he's Finnish.
* * *
I bring my teacher an orange instead of an apple. It's appropriate, since I go to a navel academy.
* * *
Dating you is like being on Christmas vacation... no class.
* * *
I like cats; my wife is a dog person... which is terribly inconvenient during a full moon.
* * *
A blonde is having sex with her husband's best friend, when hubby phones in. The guilty man leaps out of bed in a panic and frantically starts throwing on his clothes.
"Relax!" the blonde soothes. "He just called to say he'll be home late. He's out bowling with you."
* * *
At a party, a stranger told my sister that her hair smelled wonderful. She was quite flattered until she turned around and found out he was a midget.
* * *
My only goal in life is to live forever. So far, so good!
* * *
There's an apartment building in town full of crazy guys who think they're Saviors. It's a messiah complex.
* * *
My coworker at the meat processing plant slipped and fell into the grinder. I was concerned, so I checked on him when he came out the other end; he's fine.
* * *
Husband: I just picked up a pack of Olympic condoms! How about I wear the gold tonight!
Wife: Wear the silver instead... come in second for a change.
* * *
Purple is my favorite color, hands down! I like it better than red and blue combined!
* * *
A Manx cat has written a book, but don't be too impressed. It's a very short tale.
* * *
I've had it with the History Channel! Nothing but repeats!
* * *
During the war, Gestapo chief Reinhard Heydrich bought himself a defective clock that would only go "tick, tick, tick". He put his entire staff on the repair job, but three hours later it still wouldn't work right.
"Schweinhund!" he bellowed. "We have ways of making you tock!"
* * *
I just watched a DVD of the movie "Carrrrs".
It was the Disney film "Cars", actually, but I'd bought a pirate copy.
* * *
One sagging breast to the other sagging breast: "If we don't get some support soon, people are gonna think we're nuts!"
* * *
Had a Close Encounter this morning; called my old lady "fat-ass" and suddenly flying saucers were everywhere!
* * *
Yeah, I've got a dead canary. You can bid on it if you want to, but it won't go cheap.
* * *
A new tenant moved into the apartment right below mine. The guy is arrogant, obnoxious and loud; damn, now I know how Canada feels!
* * *
Paleontologists have discovered a type of caveman who was always on the move. They're calling this new species Meanderthals.
* * *
I expect Trump's first term to go swimmingly! On top of everything else, I suspect he'll melt the ice caps!
* * *
My buddy's girlfriend got drunk at our frat party and started dancing on a table.
"Great legs!" I told him.
"You really think so?" he beamed.
"You bet! Any other table would have collapsed under all that weight!"
I just found out why the Tower of Pisa leans: it's Italicized.
* * *
Father: Explain this F you got in math!
Son: Well, the teacher asked how much 3 times 4 is. I told her 12.
Father: So? That's the right answer!
Son: Then she asked how much 4 times 3 is.
Father: What the fuck's the difference!
Son: That's what I said!
* * *
There's a group of itinerate desert people whose religion expressly discourages them from displaying anger. They're known as Nomads.
* * *
Before a cross country trip, I accidentally used Red Bull to brew my coffee instead of water. I was halfway to my destination before I realized I'd forgotten the car.
* * *
A group of monks is selling flowers outside the Playboy Mansion. Hef notices and calls the police to have them removed. As the holy men are being loaded into a squad car, one of the cops says, "Sorry about this, brothers. Think you'll have trouble setting up somewhere else?"
"I don't believe so," replies the head monk. "Only Hugh can prevent florist friars."
* * *
Hear about the guy who absolutely refuses to fart in public? He's a private tutor.
* * *
I went to Barnes and Noble to find a reference book on turtles.
"Hardback?" the clerk inquired.
"Exactly!" I relied. "Four stubby legs, too!"
* * *
Jeffrey Dahmer's no longer with us. He became completely fed up with humanity.
* * *
I don't know a single person who doesn't play videogames! Married folks, on the other hand, have actual lives.
* * *
A local baker uses weed in his apple pastries. Needless to say, he has a high turnover.
* * *
Sorry about this gross joke about sodomy between a nickel and a penny; it's my six cents of humor.
* * *
Can someone underage become a monk?
Yep, but only in the Benedict-teen Order.
* * *
Our next-door neighbor is half German; both of her parents are from Munich, but she was just bisected in a car crash.
* * *
Ringling Brothers Circus is closing down this year. It can't stand the competition, what with the world's biggest clown now in the White House.
* * *
I told one of the Transformers a funny joke... what a tragic mistake! There immediately followed vehicular man's laughter.
* * *
Patient: Doctor, you have to help me! I can't stop singing "What's New, Pussycat"!
Doctor: Hmmm... sounds like a classic case of Tom Jones Syndrome.
Patient: Tom Jones Syndrome? I've never heard of it. Is it rare?
Doctor: Well, it's not unusual.
* * *
My brother's neighbor now owns a pet zebra. I've never met the woman, but I strongly suspect she's blonde... she named it Spot.
* * *
What did baby Bob Hope say after breast feeding?
Thanks for the mammaries!
* * *
The slave trade is now defunct. Too bad, 'cause I was eager to swop.
* * *
She: Do you smoke after sex?
He: God no! I'm not that fast!
* * *
I spent over an hour at my wife's grave this morning. Heh! She thinks I'm digging a fish pond!
* * *
A blonde buys a brand new car. She drives it to work in the morning, but when she tries to go home in the evening she can't get it to operate.
A garage mechanic looks the vehicle over and can't find anything wrong.
"You know how the shifter works, right?"
"Well of course!" she burbles. "It says right on the handle: 'D' for 'day', 'N' for 'night'!"
A new US interrogation center is being set up in Alaska, and the terrorists couldn't be happier. Who doesn't love snowboarding!
* * *
I'd rather have a gun than a wife. You can put a silencer on a gun.
* * *
An epicure named Cole is famed for having discovered the correlation between the amount of mayonnaise on cabbage and its improved flavor. The phenomenon is today known as Cole's Law.
* * *
I was eager to invest in Egyptian tourism until I found out it's just a pyramid scheme.
* * *
How can you tell if a dance exercise is going to be high class or sleazy?
Check to see if the brass pole is horizontal or vertical.
* * *
My brother threw a bottle of Coke at me. Fortunately, it's a soft drink.
* * *
When a woman says she'll be ready in five minutes, she means five minutes! No need to bug her about it every half hour!
* * *
My sister's left leg is significantly shorter than her right. Her name?... Eileen.
Her best friend is Japanese, and has exactly the same complaint. That girl's name?... Irene.
* * *
Our local lifeguard is unsinkable! His name: Bob.
* * *
Our town's old war veteran lost both his arms and both his legs in battle. Today he lies around all day long on the porch. His name: Matt.
* * *
Donald Trump is still serious about building his wall. Mexicans are upset, but I'm sure they'll get over it.
* * *
My cousin called my new girlfriend a 10... which would be fine, except that he's a seismologist.
* * *
How much cocaine has Charlie Sheen taken?
Enough to kill two and a half men.
* * *
That new book about poltergeists must be popular; it's flying off the shelves.
* * *
I know a guy who had his diseased testicles removed without any anesthetic. Man, that took balls!
* * *
Three Mexican illegals crossed the border. They were trespassers.
* * *
Q: How does a gospel singer clear his throat?
A: A hymn.
* * *
"Do Not Touch!" can be a scary message... especially when it's read in Braille.
* * *
You know the prehistoric land-mass Pangea?... people are starting to mispronounce it with a hard G instead of a soft one. It's a textbook instance of consonantal drift.
* * *
How does the modern spider locate his mate?
Through web dating.
* * *
One brother builds wooden furniture; the other spray-enamel's autos... the difference between a carpenter and a car painter.
* * *
I've always been law-abiding, but my Siamese twin brother is an incarcerated criminal. How con-fusing!
[FONT="Comic Sans MS]A cyclone tore through a southern trailer park... did $150,000 worth of improvements.
* * *
It's my ambition to be poor one day. At present, I'm poor every day.
* * *
Bill Gates consults a spirit medium to contact Steve Jobs.
Bill: Hiya, Steve! It's Bill! So, how's heaven?
Steve: It's absolutely perfect, Bill! Not a single building or a single fence!
Bill: How does that make things perfect?
Steve: No windows; no gates.
* * *
My doctor used two fingers during my prostate exam. Last time I ask for a second opinion!
* * *
Child: Mommy... am I adopted.
Mom: No dear. We haven't found anybody who wants you yet.
* * *
I love burgers so much, I asked for one 7 feet tall.
"I'll try," said the chef, "but that's a mighty tall order."
* * *
He: Lady, do I know you? Ya look vaguely familiar...
She: I certainly should! You're the father of one of my children!
He: Damn, sorry! Can't say I'm surprised, though! You're one hot mama!
She: What I am is his fourth grade teacher!
* * *
It was the end for Grandpa when we greased the slope... he went downhill quickly.
* * *
Last time I was at the zoo, I saw a bunch of apes sunbathing. They were all orangu-tan.
* * *
Q: How did the old beatnik burn his tongue?
A: Well, according to him, he was drinking coffee before it was cool.
* * *
Here's my step ladder. Alas, I never knew my real ladder.
* * *
All the poultry used in this meal had epilepsy. It's Chicken Seizure Salad.
* * *
My brother, the pasta chef, had to buy a new car. His last one was all denty.
* * *
Q: How many Falcons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None of them would bother; they'd still be living in Tom Brady's shadow.
* * *
I don't find the SuperBowl results all that surprising. It's not the first time Atlanta was burned by the North.
* * *
I have postpartum depression. I've been unhappy since the day I was born.
* * *
I'm severely disappointed in my new wife... I'd assumed that "Male Order Bride" was a typo.
* * *
Bar patron: I'll have a Rum and Coke.
Bartender: Will Pepsi be all right?
Patron: Sure.
Bartender: Okay. Here's your Coke and Pepsi.
* * *
My girlfriend wants me off the videogame console... she says she'd like me to treat her like a princess. That's just great... where the hell am I gonna find a gorilla to throw barrels at me?
* * *
Planned Parenthood has come up with its own videogame. The title is "Womb Raider".
* * *
My uncle's second car is a modified DeLorean. He drives it from time to time.
* * *
President Trump and Melania are attending the first game of the World Series, when a league official approaches their box. After a few whispered words, the president grins and nods enthusiastically. He then hauls his wife to her feet, slapping her and savagely berating her. The poor woman flees the stadium shrieking and in tears. The crowd is aghast.
Once Melania is gone, a Secret Service agent leans over and whispers in the president's ear:
"Sir... they were asking if you'd be interested in throwing out the first pitch."[/FONT]
