Seaworld's director decided one of the park's whales needed to be circumcised. It took four skin divers.
* * *
I had to order three extra drinks at the McDonalds takeout window... all so the cute checkout girl wouldn't know those four dozen McNuggets were for me.
* * *
It's true that animals in different parts of the world make different noises. Like for instance, in the USA dogs go "bow wow"; in China, they go "sizzle".
* * *
I'm partial to dead baby jokes. They never get old!
* * *
A rich man dies and stands before the Pearly Gates. Thinking he can bribe his way in, he offers St. Peter a gold bar.
St. Peter stares at it, then inquires:
"Why are you trying to hand me pavement?"
* * *
During my hospital stay, I met the slickest, most competent man ever. He was an ultra sound operator.
* * *
Schools have instituted a special course for troubled loners: anti-social studies.
* * *
I'm so hooked on caffeine, I once stole a cup of coffee from Starbucks. Got charged with mugging.
* * *
What kind of booze should you offer Superman?
None. He never asks for liquor in his drink; he wants just ice.
* * *
I work on an oil rig; it's a boring job.
* * *
Which nationally televised sport starts with a T?
Golf.
* * *
My wife demanded we go out last night. She wanted some place that had fish, so I threw her in the river.
* * *
Telling lawyer jokes is pointless... lawyers don't think they're funny and nobody else thinks they're jokes.
* * *
My neighbors named their child Saturn. Unconventional maybe, but it certainly has a ring.
* * *
I'd sure like to see that new movie with Scarlet Johansson. I doubt she'll go out with me, though.
* * *
According to the old adage, "a woman's work is never done". Maybe that's why they get paid less.
* * *
I was in the middle of moving my magazine collection, when I had to stop and see my chiropractor. I had lots of back issues.
* * *
The Hobbits were in a fine position to arrest Saruman... they'd obtained War Ents.
* * *
I went to a concert last night... damn thing should'a been rated R! Way too much sax and violins!
* * *
Revolutionary new development in yard care: the Emo Lawn! It cuts itself!
* * *
It was quite an experience dating the moonshiner's daughter! She made me liquor all night long!
* * *
Doctor: Mrs. Smith, I have wonderful news for you!
After careful consideration, I've come to the conclusion that Albert Einstein was my uncle. It's my own theory of relativity.
* * *
The French disdain fast food. Must be why they eat snails.
* * *
Two reasons I don't give cash to the homeless:
1. They really want my money to buy drugs.
2. I really want my money to buy drugs.
* * *
Did ya hear the crowd gathered outside the Russian Embassy during the Ukraine invasion? They kept on chanting, "Putin, withdraw! Putin, withdraw! Putin, withdraw!"... couldn't tell if it was a protest or porno direction!
* * *
I really hate people who take drugs... cops and customs officers mostly.
* * *
Tough biker Randy and his gal Ruth were charging along when they came to a low bridge. He ducked... she didn't... he rode on ruthlessly.
* * *
My wife told me that women are better at multi-tasking than men. I told her to sit down and shut up, and guess what? She couldn't do either!
* * *
Hermit: Don't ever try to visit me. My home's a cave on a hundred foot high cliff.
Hermit's brother: Okay! I'll call your bluff!
* * *
I recently saw Michelangelo's statue of David. Amazing how crowds of people will consider a penis "art" in a museum. But show it just once in a bus station...
* * *
Deaf owl: "What?... what?..."
* * *
I wanna see that Shakespeare play starrin' the little bitty pig. Y'know... "Hamlet".
* * *
Astronomers have had a tough time naming the seven newly discovered planets. It wouldn't be such a chore if they were dwarf planets.
* * *
Dog: I am man's best friend.
Cat: No, I'm man's best friend.
Dog: I'm so popular, people have named their sharpest teeth after me.
Cat: Heh heh! You lost this one already!
* * *
The fortune teller I consulted started laughing at my future, so I punched her. Looks like I've finally struck a happy medium.
* * *
A man challenges a cheetah to a race. The man wins, of course; cheetahs never prosper.
* * *
It's French Cuisine Day once again! Creped up on me this year!
* * *
In the beginning, there was nothing.
God said, "LET THERE BE LIGHT!"
There was still nothing, but He could see it a lot better.
* * *
I'm not special. I just want what everybody else wants: preferential treatment.
* * *
There's lots of song and dance in La La Land. It shows up best in moonlight.
* * *
In the movie "Fantastic Voyage", a submarine is miniaturized and sent through the human bloodstream. Reference to religion was avoided in the script; no one wanted to use the Lord's name in vein.
* * *
I brought my black girlfriend home to meet my white family, the bunch of racists! My wife was particularly intolerant.
* * *
A guy with a three-foot penis makes his way to the hospital.
It's when I take my wife's face in my hands and hold it close to mine...
... that I wish I'd kept a bit more of her.
* * *
My ex-wife was rather shallow. That's why I dug a new hole.
* * *
NASA just got its budget projection for this year. Looks like the sky's the limit.
* * *
My blind German grandfather was deceived during the war. He thought he was joining the "Not See" party.
* * *
I just saw a documentary about beavers. Best dam film ever!
* * *
Ever read the mystery story of the disappearing sugar cube and the glass of water? It has a mighty sweet solution.
* * *
I was caught peeing in public, but at least the cop understood. "Urine trouble," he sympathized.
* * *
A much loved philanthropist's corpse leaves its grave and enters a bar.
"Gimme a double whisky," it tells the bartender.
The barkeep shakes his head.
"There've been a lot of different types in this saloon," he says ruefully. "But I've never had a good stiff drink."
* * *
I've never understood why ballet dancers go tiptoe. If the choreographer wants taller girls, why not just hire them?
* * *
My parrot died yesterday. His last words were: "Man, that bird doesn't look well!"
* * *
I deserted my wife during a fishing trip. It left her reeling.
* * *
Vicious gangster Al Capone would bludgeon traitors' heads, but he drew the line at blinding them. He did it without batting an eye.
* * *
I'm so damned irritated that I never win the lottery! It frustrates me so much, I may just start buying tickets!
* * *
A motorcycle officer stops a car on suspicion of drunk driving. As a test, he asks the driver to recite the alphabet backwards. The guy does so instantly.
"Wow!" says the cop, impressed. "I couldn't do that sober!"
The suspect smiles with pride.
"Me either!"
* * *
My brother blew off a job-related workshop to see a Giants game. He wound up being run over at the BART station... the danger of being undertrained.
* * *
My coworker insists on bullying me; he thinks I won't do anything about it because I'm a pacifist. If he keeps it up, I plan to pass a fist right straight his skull!
* * *
A stripper went to her plastic surgeon, intent on getting XXXL implants. The breast was history!
* * *
I may have to stop sending these jokes online. My wife tells me they aren't even remotely funny.
* * *
Helium is a noble gas. It's easy to speak highly of it.
* * *
I always get nervous when I type "7". That's because I know the "&" is near.
* * *
My good-for-nothing son got the teenage neighbor girl pregnant! Stuck pinholes in all my condoms.
* * *
Three deceased couples approach the Pearl Gates.
"You may not enter!" Saint Peter tells the first. "You loved money so much, you married a woman named Penny!"
"You also may not enter!" he tells the second. "You loved food so much, you married a woman named Candy!"
The woman in the third couple turns to her husband.
Father: Your mother says I'm a bad dad. You don't believe that, do you Johnny?
Son: My name is Timmy.
* * *
What am I doing in the wardrobe?... Narnia business!
* * *
Thus far, all my jokes have been in English. Here's one in Spanish:
Uno.
* * *
Granddaughter: I know you're practically bald, Gramma, but I bought you an antique comb! Hope you like it!
Grandmother: Like it? I'll never part with it!
* * *
I've peed in the shower one too many times. My bride and her guests were mortified.
* * *
In "From Here to Eternity", a 1953 film about the Pearl Harbor sneak attack, Burt Lancaster and Deborah Kerr have sex in the surf. That may have been a tactic to anticipate the Japanese... they also came in waves.
* * *
My wife would make a great archeologist. She's always digging up the past.
* * *
Rumors have surfaced that Trump once tried to hang himself. Sigh... another example of fake noose.
* * *
Most homophobes are really secretly gay. In a related report, arachnophobes are actually great big spiders.
* * *
The difference between gray and grey? One is a color; the other, a colour.
* * *
Jeffrey Dahmer kept an industrial strength blender in his kitchen. That was so he could offer guests a hearty handshake.
* * *
Geneticists are developing a breed of cattle with only three legs. Ideal for tri-tip!
* * *
The Castilians: longest people in Europe. They span yards.
* * *
An Optimist and a Pessimist are at a local saloon, when they notice a note on the bar:
"While you guys were debating whether the glasses were half empty or half full, I drank 'em down.
The Opportunist."
* * *
After such a harsh winter, it's finally springtime. Even the trees are re-leaved!
* * *
Don't try to make masturbation illegal. Folks are sure to take the law into their own hands.
* * *
When out walking, I don't use ramps and stay away from hills. I've never felt inclined.
* * *
Son: Dad, why is it illegal to drive when you're drunk?
Dad: Booze messes with your vision, son. See those four trees? An alcoholic would see eight.
Son: I only see two, Dad.
* * *
Our town's symphony orchestra disbanded. What a downer; I've never felt so Liszt-less.
* * *
Must be cold in the forest. All the trees are wearing fir coats.
* * *
I've heard that Stephen Hawking is crippled, but I'm starting to doubt it. I've also heard that he runs on batteries.
* * *
A guy sits in his living room watching an old VHS tape. Every now and then he bursts out, "Don't go in there, fool! Stay out of there!"
His neighbor peeks through an open window and says, "What'cha watchin', pal? A copy of 'Psycho'?"
"No," the homeowner sighs. "It's my wedding video."
I know a man who has a neurotic compulsion to count silently to himself. His wife had to leave him; she could never tell what he was up to.
* * *
Q: What was the tallest mountain before Everest was discovered?
A: Everest. It just hadn't been discovered yet.
* * *
My son is a priest. It's awfully awkward having to call him Father.
* * *
Jared Fogle no longer works for Subway... he's currently in federal prison. He still, however, gets foot-longs.
* * *
I work in a thousand story building. Everyone else refers to it as a "library".
* * *
Nocturnal birds tend to be dyslexic. It isn't something they're proud of... that's why they keep a owl profile.
* * *
I'm in a same sex relationship. My wife and I have done the same damn thing for 20 straight years.
* * *
A surly panda bear wanders into a bar. He doesn't order any drinks, just gobbles down the peanuts. When the bartender complains, the beast pulls out a revolver, blasts him and exits the building.
As the barkeep's body is being removed, one of the patrons examines a wildlife field guide.
"Poor ol' Hank," the man mourns. "But he should'a known better. Says right here: 'Chinese Panda; eats shoots and leaves.'"
* * *
A reporter asked me how I felt about the world's abandoned children. I said I could take 'em or leave 'em.
* * *
Noah is easily the best businessman in the Bible. He floated stock while everything else was being liquidated.
* * *
I'd have made a good basketball player; I dribble every time I try to score.
* * *
What has seven eyes and seven legs?
A convention of pirate captains.
* * *
A misunderstanding got me fired from my job at the zoo. Evidently "Don't feed the animals" is advice intended only for visitors.
* * *
A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street when they happen upon a burning orphanage.
Priest: Should we save the children?
Rabbi: The children?! It's more important to save the cash safe! Fuck the children!
Priest: Okay. But we don't have much time!
* * *
Last year, Dad complained that my sister's Halloween costume showed too much skin. So this year, she's dressing up as a skeleton.
* * *
That cannibal must be frustrated. He just threw up his hands.
* * *
Taxi driver: ... and that's why I love my job! I'm my own boss! No one tells me what to do!
Passenger: Turn left here.
* * *
I've been visiting prostitutes for years. Guess you could say I'm buysexual.
* * *
"Did you know the ancient Israelites had a name for their god?"
"No way!"
"Yahweh!"
* * *
Pablo Escobar, after being betrayed by his cartel: " ... and I'd have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you Medellin kids!"
* * *
My Dad got into a street fight with five young punks, so I had to step in. There was no way he could beat all six of us!
* * *
So I board a bus, plop right down beside this guy, and he gives me a really weird look. "That's just great!" I think. "This thing is all but empty, and I still wind up next to a kook!"
Bigfoot's porcelain creations are pure magic! He's truly a hairy potter!
* * *
My brother hates grapefruit with a passion. Me, I hate passion fruit with a grape.
* * *
Two peanuts walk onto a United airliner. One is a salted.
* * *
United Airlines may get past this recent PR disaster. But their deals better be unbeatable.
* * *
The least requested United Airlines meal? Chinese takeout.
* * *
Flying United is somewhat like smoking weed. First, you take a hit... then a long drag. You won't, however, get high.
* * *
United Airlines doesn't run red eye flights anymore. They now specialize in black eyes.
* * *
What do you call a doctor with two black eyes?
A frequent flier.
* * *
There are three things that'll get you kicked off a United Airlines flight:
A. Arriving drunk.
B. Harassing an attendant.
C. Buying a ticket.
* * *
Fly United and be treated like a king! Rodney King, specifically.
* * *
One good thing came out of the United Airlines debacle: they'll no longer have problems with overbooking.
* * *
If you get pulled off before the flight starts, do you still get to join the Mile High Club?
* * *
I only drink on two occasions:
when it's my birthday...
... and when it isn't.
* * *
A passenger in a taxi cab wishes to convey last minute directions to the driver, so he reaches over and taps him on the shoulder. This startles the cabbie so much, he veers off the road and plows into a tree. Fortunately, neither man is seriously hurt.
"I'm so sorry!" the passenger cries. "I had no idea a small tap would make you react so violently!"
"Not your fault," the cabbie responds. "I used to drive a hearse."
* * *
Seems to me that current children's entertainment is wildly inappropriate. I mean, what's with these Mighty Morphine Power Rangers?
* * *
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When life gives you alligators, make Gatorade.
* * *
I clone sheep as a hobby. It's my favorite form of re-creation.
* * *
My brother, the Man with X-ray Eyes, finally left his girlfriend. I'll never know what he saw in her.
* * *
Why did the squirrel fail to cross the road?
He tried to play chicken and lost.
* * *
I bit my dentist's finger during the exam, but he was complimentary anyway. I must have made a good impression.
* * *
A young mosquito leaves home for the first time.
"Well," says his father when the youngster returns, "how did you get on with the humans?"
"Just great!" replies his boy. "They loved me! Everyone was clapping!"
* * *
Say what you will about plagiarists... at least they can take a joke.
I usually come home drunk. However, a few days ago I was stopped by cops, so tonight I decided to take the bus. Big mistake... I'd never driven one before.
* * *
A baker pours boiling water down a rabbit hole. The result: hot cross buns.
* * *
I thought I was getting pastry; my mother served me venison instead. I completely misunderstood when she offered me "baked doe".
* * *
My foot fetish is so overwhelming, it's almost double strength. It's more like a feetish.
* * *
Patient: Doc! You gotta fix my right eye! All this involuntary blinking... the pain is killing me!
Doctor: Why would involuntary blinking cause you pain?
Patient: Every time I go the pharmacist and ask for aspirin, he gives me condoms!
* * *
One of my schoolmates regularly used to cut class. On the last occasion, he went out and hanged himself. Not such a tragedy... they were going suspend him anyway.
* * *
Daughter: Mom, how come my brother's named Barc?
Mother: Well, "Barc" is "crab" spelled backwards. And your father just loves crab!
Daughter: Thanks Mom!
Mother: You're welcome, Lana!
* * *
The Easter Bunny is forever hiding eggs. Guess I would too if I was messing with chickens.
* * *
Midwife for sale; free delivery.
* * *
My church accepts all denominations. $1.00 to $100.00, every bill is welcome!
* * *
I just saw a sign that said "Falling Rocks". So I tried... must say, I disagree.
* * *
Who invented copper wire?
Two Scotsmen fighting over a penny.
* * *
I thought I scored an A on my algebra test, but the teacher corrected that, changing it to an F. How degrading!
* * *
The military's Chemical Weapons division now makes use of acid. It's perfect for neutralizing an enemy's base.
* * *
My father gripes that I'm wasting my life playing video games. Fortunately I have three lives left.
* * *
It's brown... it's sticky. It's (what else?)... a stick!
* * *
I went to the wild animal park today. What a ripoff! All they had was a single little dog behind bars. I think it was a Shih Tzu.
* * *
This coffee has an earthy flavor. It should... it's fresh ground.
* * *
Dogs make terrible dancers. I've never seen one that didn't have two left feet.
* * *
My girlfriend won't kiss me unless I chew gum. She prefers me in mint condition.
* * *
The difference between Niagara and Viagra? Niagara Falls.
* * *
Two rednecks are out hunting when they bag a moose. They grab it by the front legs and begin to haul it toward the pickup. When they've made it about half way, one of them moans, "Y'know, it might be easier if we dragged it by the back legs instead."
"Guess we kin try", mumbles his partner.
Fifteen minutes later, the first redneck says, "See? It is a lot easier to drag a moose by its back legs!"
"Maybe so," the second responds. "But look how much fu'ther we're gettin' from the truck!"
My wife says she'd like to have another baby. I'm not so eager... that last one was rather undercooked.
* * *
I guess I'm fucking crazy. That's what her psychiatrist tells me, anyway.
* * *
Never do sums in a cannibal village. 4 plus 4 can get you ate.
* * *
A train driver stopped at the crossing so I could use it first. He was a civil engineer.
* * *
How do you make an Aladdin Cocktail?
Use plenty of Jinn.
* * *
Ken can't wait for summer. He's really eager to eat Barbie Q.
* * *
I was driving down a country road, when I got the impression I might encounter roadwork. Call it a sign.
* * *
Never wear deck shoes to a German concert hall. They are for boatin'.
* * *
I'm blown away by the invention of the dry-erase board! It truly is remarkable!
* * *
A man was in the a habit of coming home drunk every night. His wife wanted to scare him into sobriety, so she dressed up in a Satan costume and leapt out of the bushes bellowing as he approached the front door.
The guy stared blearily at the terrifying apparition and stated, "I wondered if you might drop by. I'm married to your sister, you know."
* * *
Dyslexics of the world, untie!
* * *
My wife says I put a smile on her face every day... her nice way of telling me I'm a joke.
* * *
It's hard to say just what my wife does: she sells seashells by the seashore.
* * *
All the planets in the solar system spent their time playing online games... all except Earth.
"That's just sad," Earth sniffed. "You guys have no life."
* * *
I've begun a brand new diet... for lunch, I eat all the food my kids left on their plates the night before. It's a great way to get plenty of vegetables.
* * *
Wife: I don't understand why you watch the Porn Channel so much! What do those girls have that I don't?
Husband: A mute button.
* * *
Fortunately, we aren't xenophobic in this country. Nasty attitudes like that come exclusively from foreigners.
* * *
I just walked through a spider web. In a single action, I wrecked his home and ruined his dinner... yet I'm the one who feels victimized!
* * *
A truly strong person doesn't put others down. He lifts 'em up high, then slams them for maximum damage.
* * *
I must have really loud, abrasive snoring. It certainly rattled the car pool this morning when I was driving them to work.
* * *
I've been reading about the tipuis of South America, the mightiest plateaus in the world. They're nature's highest form of flattery.
* * *
Three college girls are cutting across campus late one night, when they notice a guy passed out in the dark.
"It isn't Jeff," says the redhead, feeling his face. "My boyfriend has a longer nose,"
"It isn't Tom," says the brunette, feeling his hand. "My boyfriend has a thicker thumb.
Guess I gotta have sex with my dog. I've just been told it's a bang-collie day.
* * *
It's true that a country run by a king is called a kingdom. So... what do you call a cellblock run by a con?
* * *
Why does the giraffe have such a long neck?
He needs one. Look how far away his head is.
* * *
How embarrassing! I passed gas while viewing the moon through a telescope. It was an ass-toot observation.
* * *
If a fireman offers you two options for escaping a burning house, always accept the ladder.
* * *
Hurricane, to palm tree: "Hold onto your nuts! This won't be your average blowjob!"
* * *
I used to be something of a wimp before I started rock climbing. Now I feel boulder.
* * *
What time is it in Ireland?
Five O'clock.
What time is it in Scotland?
Five McClock.
* * *
Park one car and you need only a single space. Park one hundred and you'll need a lot.
* * *
I hear that Burger King just got Dairy Queen pregnant. Evidently he neglected to wrap his Whopper.
* * *
The year is 2017 and America seems to have lost its way. Maybe in 2020 we'll see things more clearly.
* * *
I have an amazing psychic ability... I can find items before people even lose them. Damn cops, however, call it theft.
* * *
Some think that public school students weigh more, due to easily accessed junk food. To me, Catholic school students are clearly heavier; they have more Mass.
* * *
When the most popular girl in school changes clothes right in front of you, it's a pretty good sign! A sign that she hasn't spotted the hole yet.
* * *
If you must give a tree as an anniversary gift, make sure it's young. Married couples don't appreciate adult tree.
* * *
Sprout sees the Jolly Green Giant making a salad for dinner and whines, "Oh jeez, Dad! Not your laundry again!"
* * *
I was surprised to learn that the only clothing allowed in North Korea is actually German: Supreme Leader hosen.
* * *
Hasbro has just produced a Mr. Potato Head version of Kim Jong Un. They're calling it The Little Dick Tater
* * *
My brother hates it when I shorten his name to Dick. The long version is Steven.
* * *
Did you know the ancient Greeks worshipped chickens? It's true! I just found out that their sun god was a pollo!
* * *
Why did the North Korean chicken cross the road into South Korea?
My wife wants me to change the baby. I checked with the hospital, but they aren't offering replacements.
* * *
Bill Cosby must think he's Santa Claus. He won't come unless you're sleeping.
* * *
I managed to catch my hand in the waffle iron. It's damned hot, but I'm feeling batter now.
* * *
Gingers are ideal candidates for library positions. They're thoroughly read.
* * *
The laxative I purchased was super efficient. It really gave me a run for my money.
* * *
When the Mormons moved west, they did so with great herds of cattle. That's why they settled in Salt Lick City.
* * *
I was a stillborn child. My parents didn't want me, but I was still born.
* * *
Boy: Daddy, please! I'm tired of running in circles!
Dad: Pipe down or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!
* * *
My mom put her mom on my speed dial. She thought I might like instagram.
* * *
A mortician hands a cannibal his father's cremated remains.
"What a treat!" the man beams. "Instant soup!"
* * *
I bought my kids purple Kool-Aid, but have to be careful about how much they drink. With grape powder comes great responsibility.
* * *
The local mall is taking on extra help to protect a shipment of phones at the Samsung store. I thought I might apply... I'm eager to become one of the guardians of the Galaxy.
* * *
Determining the sex of an ant can be accomplished with a simple test... drop it in water.
If it sinks: girl ant.
If it floats: boy ant.
* * *
Imagine you're at the top floor of a 20 story building. A raging fire starts on the 14th floor, completely blocking the emergency stairs. How could you possibly escape?
Easy; stop using your imagination.
* * *
My computer is exhausted every night... probably because it has a hard drive.
* * *
Leather clothing is ideal for espionage. It's made of hide.
* * *
My country cousin went out last night to tip cows, but was up-ended by a bull instead. He got a taste of his own meadow sin.
* * *
If two vegans have a disagreement, is there really any beef?
* * *
I ran out of weed-eater line and decided to use guitar strings as replacements. Guess I should've tuned them... my yard now seems too flat.
* * *
Anyone can lead a horse to water. But to make a horse drink... you're gonna need a mighty big blender.
* * *
Jesus would be terrible at video-games. If he loses a life, it takes him three days to respawn.
I walked down to the store to buy a bottle of vodka. Once I was ready to return, though, I was afraid I might drop it and break it, so I drank the whole thing right there. A good thing, too... on the way back I fell down half a dozen times.
* * *
A masochist walks into a bar... over and over and over again.
* * *
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife. Love ya, mom.
* * *
Dad got a Mercedes for my mom this Mother's Day. Best trade-in ever!
* * *
Two drunks are walking down some railroad tracks.
First drunk: "This is the longest damn staircase! It's really wearin' me out!"
Second drunk: "The steps aren't so bad. But this damned low hand-rail..."
* * *
There was a time when I'd end each written sentence with a comma. It was the worst period of my life.
* * *
Don't try to clean stains with battery acid. It's a desperate solution.
* * *
Cannibal mom: "Have you seen your little brother?"
Cannibal son: "I just passed him in the jungle."
* * *
I once called a rape hotline. Didn't take me long to figure out it was intended for victims.
* * *
It's a hero's life in Al-Qaeda! Come on down and C4 yourself!
* * *
Tony Stark built an android strong enough to hold an Infinity Stone. How did he manage that?
He fed the robot Vitamin A. It improves Vision.
* * *
I'm the last person you could call a racist... I'm always late for the KKK rallies.
* * *
An Al-Qaeda member enters a bar. He brings with him 300 passengers and an airliner.
* * *
I know a blonde nurse who always takes a red felt marker to work, just in case she's asked to draw blood.
* * *
Nintendo went through countless design concepts for Mario's clothing. In the end, I think we can agree it was an overall success.
* * *
I'm no snitch. My brother is, though.
* * *
Technology gives us marvels like airplanes and skyscrapers. But it takes religion to bring them together.
* * *
Professor: "Don't settle for easy answers. Question everything!"
Student: "Why should I?"
* * *
Sailors in WWII tended to be foul-mouthed. It came from the battleships; they have turrets.
* * *
My dad, the barber, threatened to disinherit me. He'll do it, too... he's used to cutting heirs.
* * *
Hear what Superman did? He saved a crashing plane by hoisting it back into the sky. What an uplifting story!
* * *
Teacher: "How many apples can you eat on an empty stomach?"
Blonde student: "Three."
Teacher: "No, only one. After the first, your stomach isn't empty anymore."
The blonde goes home to her boyfriend.
Blonde: "Hey! How many apples can you eat on an empty stomach?"
I found a poor old guy unconscious on the side of the road. I assume he was poor... he only had $3.00 in his wallet.
* * *
Golf balls are nothing to joke about. I had tennis elbow once, and it hurt like hell.
* * *
Kill a boss in a videogame and you're a hero. Try to avoid it at work, though.
* * *
Notice on a strip club door during off-hours: "Go Home. We're Clothed."
* * *
I know a transvestite who tried to become a pilot. He couldn't get off the ground; too much drag.
* * *
Brunette: "I cuddle with my husband at least three times a week."
Blonde: "Same with me."
Brunette: "You? I thought you were single."
Blonde: "That's right... whoops!"
* * *
I've got a strange job: I help one-armed typists form capital letters. It's shift work.
* * *
Daughter: "Just came back from psychiatrist, Mom. He tells me I'm schizophrenic."
Mom: "Oh dear! What dreadful news!"
Daughter: "On the plus side, I've started seeing someone."
* * *
I ordered spaghetti, but I'm not sure that it's actually spaghetti. I may have gotten an impasta.
* * *
King Arthur pulled a sword from a stone. That's after King Arthritis tried and failed.
* * *
I got the chance to meet a one-legged pirate. I thought it would be cool... actually, he was pretty lame.
* * *
A group of fish? A school.
A group of squid? A squad.
* * *
My brother is a masochistic thief. He continually commits burglaries, but is never dissuaded by the punishment; they insist on slapping him on the wrist.
* * *
Hear about the new Jewish car? It stops on a dime.
* * *
A street-corner hawker tried to sell me a pen that writes underwater. I told him to get lost; one word isn't enough for me!
* * *
Blacksmith: "So... you want to work in my shop, huh? You ever shoed a horse?"
Novice: "No. But I once told a donkey to get lost."
* * *
My sister refers to me as a social vegan. I avoid meet.
* * *
Steve Irwin should have been wearing sunscreen... it protects against harmful rays.
* * *
While on assignment in the Middle East, a friend of mine became depressed and called a suicide hotline. They asked him if he could drive a truck.
* * *
When communicating on the phone, never use your voice; use sign language. Actions speak louder than words.
* * *
I'm trying to buy cigarettes online. Must be on the right track... my keyword search brought in 10,000 matches.
* * *
A motorcycle cop pulls a priest over for speeding.
"Revolution!" I hollered at the top of my lungs. It was so unnerving, everyone else got off the merry-go-round.
* * *
Customer: "Should I have any concerns about these genetically modified tomatoes?"
Tomato: "Certainly not!"
* * *
Last night's dinner was ice cold. My wife's a blonde... I never should have asked her to serve chili.
* * *
Paleontologists have unearthed evidence of a Neanderthal playwright. They're calling him Will Shake Spear.
* * *
"Give it to me!" she shrieked. "I'm so damned wet! Give it to me now!"
Fat chance... it's my umbrella!
* * *
The cops just found a man killed with a starter pistol. They think the death may be race related.
* * *
My uncle entered a post office and started sticking stamps all over his body. The cops were called, but I don't think there was any danger. He just wanted to express himself.
* * *
Apple has been serving pirates for centuries. They're the ones who developed the iPatch.
* * *
My girlfriend asked me if I could get her pregnant from from across the room.
"Possibly," I replied. "But it's a long shot."
* * *
The oldest computer on earth belonged to Adam and Eve. Not surprisingly, it was an Apple. Pretty lousy model... just one byte and everything crashed.
* * *
My brother took my to-do schedule and used it to wrap a joint. He's high on my list of priorities.
I drive a truck that transports donkeys from ranch to ranch. It's a great job; I enjoy hauling ass.
* * *
President Trump was on a tour of Disneyland, when there was an assassination attempt. I don't think the shooter intended to kill him; he just wanted to see Donald duck.
* * *
I've built a revolutionary new rifle that absolutely can't kill animals. I call it a V-gun.
* * *
The difference between a dinner party and the Donner Party? Not that much, really. In either case, they'll want to know if you've been served.
* * *
I just heard a new joke about defecation, but I don't plan to repeat it. It's way too corny.
* * *
A physician has created a capsule that cures all disease, but no one will use it because of the horrible flavor. It's a bitter pill to swallow.
* * *
I'm taking my cat to the vet to have him euthanized. It was a real pain making nine appointments.
* * *
Tiger Woods was just arrested on a suspected DUI. He really should have used his driver.
* * *
Tiger Woods hit 18 holes today. And that was on the way to the course.
* * *
My dad is at that time in life where all he does is talk about the people who've passed away. "Old Tom died today."... "You know Mary Crabtree? She just died." It's driving me crazy... swear to god, if he keeps it up I'm gonna take that gun away from him!
My girlfriend thinks of my manhood the same way she thinks about a gourmet meal... boner petite.
* * *
A novelty candy company is producing chocolate penises with cream filling. They're being marketed as Willy Wankas.
* * *
To spice up our sex life, my wife and I have started roll playing. She dresses up as a cop and arrests me for being a hot stud; two minutes later, all charges are dropped for lack of evidence.
* * *
Whenever you're feeling blue, just remember this simple advice: inhale... exhale...
* * *
I suspect my house plants are taking nude pictures of me while I sleep. The conspiracy community refers to this claim as my photo sin thesis.
* * *
The difference between an Arts major and a Philosophy major? The guy with a Philosophy major will ask why you want fries with that.
* * *
When I was a kid and my mom asked me who stole the last cookie, I'd just clap my hands and cry, "Not me!" It was applausable denial.
* * *
Emperor Palpatine was so degenerate, he'd import baby Wookies for their meat. So... what was it like? A little Chewie.
* * *
My uncle has a nasty looking molar, but so far it isn't causing him any pain. I told him to make a dental appointment anyway. If he acts immediately, he could be there before noon... he says he won't go until tooth hurty.
* * *
Two goldfish look out at the world from the comfort of their tank. One of them says, "You man the turret. I'll drive."
* * *
I've come to the conclusion that all women are claustrophobic. Every one I've met has freaked out inside my car trunk.
* * *
If a man is entirely comfortable using a computer mouse with his left hand, what can you can tell about him for sure?
He isn't left handed.
* * *
The DJ played Jump: I jumped.
The DJ played The Twist: I twisted.
The DJ played Come On Eileen: I was beaten and kicked out.
* * *
Wife: "You treat me like a dog! We need to sit down and talk this out right now!"
Husband: " Okay. But not on the sofa."
* * *
My daughter demanded a Cinderella-themed birthday party. Worked fine for me; I made her and her friends clean the house.
* * *
A three-legged dog hobbles into an old western saloon. He approaches the bartender and states, "I'm lookin' fer the guy who shot my paw."
* * *
Man, I hate generalizations! Anybody who makes them is an utter idiot!
* * *
Ever notice that cemeteries tend to be foggy? That's because all the people inside are mist.
* * *
A friend of mine left his accordion in an unlocked car. Big mistake... when he came back, he found another one in the back seat.
* * *
My girlfriend's a porn star! She's gonna be really pissed when she finds out.
* * *
Ever play Pony Express as a youngster? It's like Post Office, but with more horsing around.
* * *
A blonde waitress brings a covered plate to the table.
Blonde: "Okay, who ordered the macaroni and bees?"
Patron: "Macaroni and bees? I wanted macaroni and cheese!"
The blonde clamps the cover down tight.
Blonde: "Right. That makes a lot more sense, actually."
My frozen fish patty didn't seem to be thawing, so I placed my a few fingers underneath the meat to see if my new Chinese skillet was warming it at all. Unfortunately, I couldn't remove them again; I was stuck between a wok and a hard plaice.
* * *
Another Samsung first: The Pocket Microwave! They later changed the name to Galaxy Note 7.
* * *
Seen one indoor shopping center? You've seen a mall.
* * *
My aunt intends to get herself a groovy new car or house or boyfriend or something. She tells me she's planning on a hip replacement.
* * *
Did you know Trump shops for clothing in Moscow? He must if he has Russian ties.
* * *
My neighbor always said his children were treasures. He proved it, too... buried five of them in his backyard.
* * *
Which bird has the smallest genitalia?
I'm not entirely sure, but I suspect it's the peacock.
* * *
A young lad enters his parents' bedroom in the middle of their lovemaking. He stands mutely staring, then quietly exits.
"I'll take care of it," the husband sighs, rising.
The man finds his son in gramma's lap.
"See?" the boy smirks. "Not so funny when it's my mother!"
* * *
I wish I could reach out to my son. Alas, the current's far too strong.
* * *
Priest: "You should see someone about your sex addiction. I can recommend a few names..."
Parishioner: "Really! You have hookers in your Rolodex?"
* * *
I look more like my mom than my dad. He doesn't look like her at all.
* * *
Ever served soft boiled eggs? They can be hell on your tennis racket.
* * *
I was hired to build stage sets for a production of "Romeo and Juliette", but was immediately fired because my designs were crap. I left without making a scene.
* * *
Cellular biologists drive mathematicians crazy. To them, division and multiplication are the same thing.
* * *
A lawyer enters a doctor's office with a huge tumor on his face.
"Oh my lord!" the physician gasps. "Why didn't you come to me sooner?"
"To tell the truth," the tumor replies, "I was ashamed to leave the house."
* * *
My buddy overflowed the toilets at work. He always gives 110 percent.
* * *
Husband: "We have too many servants! If you'd learn to make meals properly, we could get rid of the cook."
Wife: "And if you'd learn to make love properly, we could get rid of the chauffeur, the yard man and the pool boy!"
* * *
So I say to myself... "You're a clone, aren't you?"
* * *
Watch the next Planet of the Apes film and you may recognize actual current events. Evidently America is being ruled by an orangutan.
* * *
I've invented a new Kama Sutra position called "9". It's me lying in bed, having no 6 at all.
* * *
Ever notice that the Hungry Hungry Hippos eat nothing but marbles? Well, it is a well rounded diet.
* * *
I keep telling myself to stay away from alcohol... but who listens to some old drunk who talks to himself?
An elderly lady takes a cab ride home, but when she arrives she finds she's short of money.
"You know," she purrs to the driver, "In my day I was considered quite a beauty." She hikes up her skirt and continues, "How about I pay you with this?"
The cabbie takes a long, hard look and quips, "Jeez, lady, don't you have anything smaller?"
* * *
I used to own a goldfish who could break dance! I'd have gone on the stage with him, but he only did it the one time when he fell out of the bowl.
* * *
Statistics say that half the marriages in America end in divorce. Which beats the alternative; the other half end in death.
* * *
My brother and I go into counterfeiting, and what does the idiot do? He makes a phony 8 dollar bill! Fortunately I was able to trade it for two 4's.
* * *
An Asian mushroom enters a bar, but insists on swearing and insulting everyone. What awful shiitake!
* * *
I had a meal of mushrooms this morning. The breakfast of champignons!
* * *
Gillette has created a razor especially for dyslexics. They're marketing it as the best thing since sliced beard.
* * *
My memory pills are the color of the sky, dude! They blue my mind!
* * *
I hadn't heard of it before, but it seems there's a TV show targeted expressly at cannibals. Perhaps you know it: Graze Anatomy.
* * *
A man walks into s psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but a Saran Wrap diaper.
"My wife sent me," the man says. "She thinks I'm crazy."
The doctor assesses the situation, then replies, "Good for her... it's easy to see your nuts."
* * *
I was shipwrecked on an island for two solid weeks, with nothing to eat but caterpillars. Believe me, when I first spied the rescue boat, I had butterflies in my stomach!
* * *
Patient: "Doc, you gotta help me! I sleep like a log!"
Doctor: "How is that a problem?"
Patient: "I'm sick and tired of waking up in the fireplace!"
* * *
My lazy cousin used to work at a crematorium, but would secretly nap inside the coffins. Needless to say, he got fired.
* * *
Hear about the all-male team of superheroes who costume themselves in women's clothing? I'll bet you have: The X-Men.
* * *
I went out to the garage only to find my car hanging from a rope. I suspected vandalism, but investigators called it auto asphyxiation.
* * *
Bose is supposedly better than competing electronics, but I don't believe that. It's just a stereo type.
* * *
Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
She didn't buckle up.
* * *
This country's really being run by the Jews! Tomorrow I'll hike up to Jerusalem and complain!
* * *
I suppose you've heard: 6 is scared of 7. Why? Because 7 8 9. No reason 6 should be taken aback... everyone should eat 3 squared meals.
* * *
Seems that Peter Dinklage will be playing a Borg in an upcoming "Star Trek Voyager" movie. His designation: Six of Seven.
* * *
I told my brother, "You're the dumbest person I ever knew!" Ha! That left him speechless!
* * *
A local activist started a fund to help blind children. He's since been ostracized and driven out of town; damn it, we don't need more blind children!
I'm going on a sex tour of our 50th state. I hear it's a great place to get lei'd.
* * *
When cycling, don't wear a crash helmet. Wear a Stormtrooper helmet instead... it's the best way to avoid hitting anything.
* * *
After a bad accident during my Italian vacation, I had four blood transfusions in a Roman hospital. IV saved my life.
* * *
Job interviewer: "Your résumé is satisfactory except for this 4 year gap. What happened back then?"
Interviewee: "Oh. That is when I went to Yale."
Interviewer: "Congratulations! You're hired!"
Interviewee: "Goodie goodie! I got the Yob!"
* * *
My child's too young for kindergarten and preschool won't accept him. Perhaps I should put him in the infantry.
* * *
In retrospect, it's not surprising that Frenchmen gave the US the Statue of Liberty. They had no use for a human figure with only one arm raised.
* * *
In North Korean courts, defendants are often wrongly convicted. It's a system of trial and error.
* * *
I'm breaking my usual sex routine to take a breather. Practicing necrophilia can be tough.
* * *
Before the election, Donald Trump was visited by Satan.
"Sign this contract," the devil sneered, "and you will become President of the United States! But consider carefully... your penis will also be three inches long."
"Wow!" cried Trump. "Are there any side effects?"
* * *
My grandparents have become too old to drive their car anymore. These days they just tow it behind their motor home.
* * *
Auto manufacturers have developed a car that runs on water. Only catch: the water has to come from the Gulf of Mexico.
* * *
I went to my first Fight Club last night! Got there a little late and missed the rules, but it didn't take long to figure things out! What a great time! Tell your friends!
* * *
It's been speculated that Catholic priests first started the tradition of the Christmas tree. In both cases, the balls are strictly ornamental.
* * *
I don't have the number for Anger Management anymore; unfortunately I lost it.
* * *
"3D printers are amazing! You can create anything with them! I even used mine to make a working pistol!"
"Doesn't impress me. I've had a Canon printer for years."
* * *
Muhammad Ali would sometimes burn his hands during bouts. It happened when he punched George Foreman's grill.
* * *
My dad died during an explosion at the US Mint. He was nickeled and dimed to death.
* * *
A wife buys some crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her sex life. That night, she boldly poses spread-legged and says to hubby, "Hey, big boy! Want some a' this?"
"I don't think so," replies her husband warily. "Look what it's done to your underwear."
* * *
The city's making me get rid of all my pet lions and they won't even wait till summer's over! It's the pride that goeth before a fall.
* * *
In the year 3000, NASA colonized the planet Mars. Mars was tolerant at first, but eventually summoned up a huge sandstorm which wiped out the colony to the very last astronaut.
Earth stared coldly at Mars from across space.
"Look how evil you've become!" Earth raged. "You've lost every scrap of humanity!"
* * *
I'm trying to take high-res photos of my wheat field. So far, no luck... they're awfully grainy.
* * *
"Hitler once said, 'I plan to kill 6 million Jews and one clown.' "
I was deeply upset when my wife walked out. I'd torched the house so carefully.
* * *
6 is deathly afraid of 7. He just learned the 7 is a registered 6 offender.
* * *
My friends and I experimented sexually when we were in high school. It wasn't as much fun as it sounds... I was in the control group.
* * *
288 passengers were ground to pieces when an airliner crashed into Mt. McKinley. That's two gross!
* * *
Teenagers can be awfully shallow; they're so eager to impress you with their clothing. Take my daughter... she always begs for clothes whenever someone comes to the door.
* * *
The difference between a camel and a college student? A camel can go a full day without drinking.
* * *
An eagle is winging his way through the sky when he happens to spot a mouse. Quick as a flash he sweeps down, swallows the rodent whole then soars back into the clouds.
The poor mouse, not wishing to be digested, scampers around through the eagle's insides until he reaches the anus. He pokes his head out, but is aghast to see the ground so far below.
"Hey, pal," he squeaks in alarm, "just how high up are we?"
"Half a mile!" the eagle states proudly.
"Half a mile?!" the mouse gasps, wide-eyed. "You... you wouldn't shit a guy, would you?"
* * *
When my wife and I got stranded on a deserted island, she was able to construct an animal snare from her bra. It was the first time I'd seen a real booby trap.
* * *
Researchers report that dolphins are the most intelligent animals on Earth after man. Seems pretty unfair to all the women.
* * *
Yesterday I was washing the car with my son. I really need to break down and buy a sponge.
* * *
My next door neighbor pretends to have kids even though he isn't a father. He's committing a faux pa.
* * *
Strange double standard... if a girl has sex with lots of men, she's considered a slut. But if a guy does the exact same thing, what do they call him? Gay.
* * *
I only buy recycled items. My wife's coat used to be a leopard.
* * *
It's odd but true; a bullet only does its job after it's been fired.
* * *
Must be a drought in Germany; I hear that every third reservoir is dry.
* * *
"Gotta get me a new car. My turn signals only work half the time."
"Everyone's do. They're supposed to blink, you know."
* * *
As an experiment, I stuck my pet monkey in the microwave. The result?... Rhesus pieces.
* * *
"Turn down the volume on your stereo! You're disturbing the whole neighborhood!"
"That's sound advice."
* * *
My cousin spent most of his life in prison for burglary and assault. After he died, he was buried under 20 feet of earth; deep down, he isn't such a bad person.
* * *
The city of Pisa has considered turning the Leaning Tower into a clock tower. There's no point having the inclination if you don't have the time.
* * *
I didn't notice right away that I was going bald. All I knew was that it was taking longer and longer to wash my face.
* * *
President Trump must smell rank! I understand he can't stop pootin'.
The story "Pinocchio" was written a long time ago. You can tell, because the author makes a big deal out of the hero going wireless.
* * *
I used to own a boomerang; I think I'll get one again . I understand it's making a comeback.
* * *
Ever file your nails? Most people just throw them away.
* * *
My history professor asked me what I knew about Napoleon. So I told him: very little.
* * *
Did you know that Lou Gehrig died from Lou Gehrig Disease? Man, what are the odds!
* * *
Pizzeria owner: "Would you like your pizza cut into 6 or 8 slices?"
Customer: "Better make it 6 slices. I don't think I could eat 8."
* * *
So I had lunch in this little dockside cafe called Pelicans. Great food, but the bill was huge.
* * *
Horror director George A. Romero passed away recently. Yeah... just give him a minute.
* * *
What's the main topic of conversation among ocean-going tuna?
Current events.
* * *
I work at a factory that manufactures fire hydrants. The hours are okay, but the parking is terrible.
* * *
Motivational speaker: "Wanna learn how to succeed?"
Audience member: "No thanks. I'm happy to chew it, same way I've always done."
* * *
Don't tell me there's no sex in advertisements! You can't even spell it without "semen" between the "tits"!
* * *
A man enters the emergency room in obvious pain.
"Doc," he grimaces, "you gotta help me! My arm hurts something awful!"
The doctor examines the man's arm and is stunned to hear it speak.
"Hey there, fella!" the limb wheedles. "How about lending me 20 bucks?"
"I see your problem," the doctor observes gravely. "Your arm is broke."
* * *
A farm truck went out of control, crashing into the world's largest henhouse. You could hear the startled chickens squawking for miles; it was an enormous fluster cluck.
* * *
What's the most useless gift Anne Frank got for her birthday?
That darned drum set.
* * *
666 represents all evil. That would make 25.8069758011 the root of all evil.
* * *
She: "I'm sick to death of your 'gumshoe' pretensions! I wanna split up!"
He: "Great idea! We'll cover more ground that way!"
* * *
I'm leery about watching the new season of "Game of Thrones" with my parents because of all the sex and violence. But if I keep the volume good and loud I guess I won't hear them.
* * *
Kleptomania isn't the worst disorder to have. When the urge gets too strong, you can always take something for it.
* * *
Hear about the mother/son demolition company? It's known as Edifice Wrecks.
* * *
My brother is drug addled! He won't hesitate to tear straight through a stop sign! Not like me... I'll wait patiently for it to turn green.
* * *
Trump: "Listen to the Donald! The Donald says the less immigrants we let in, the better!"
Pence: "No no. You mean 'the fewer'".
Trump: "Hey! I've warned you not to call me that in public!"
Many nations have tried to invade Switzerland. They've all gotten Berned.
* * *
My girlfriend was hypnotized by her psychiatrist into having an affair. It was her first trance-sexual experience.
* * *
"Dad, can I use the car?"
"Only if you get a haircut."
"But lots of great men had long hair. Look at Abraham. Look at Moses. Heck, even Jesus!"
"Yep. And they all walked."
* * *
Did you know that the people in billboards often talk to each other? We never hear them because they use sign language.
* * *
When I was young, I never used to carry more than 2 bucks cash. Even so, I can remember walking out of the grocery store with a gallon of milk, a dozen eggs, a package of sliced bacon, a loaf of bread and a bag of oranges. Not anymore, though... too many security cameras.
* * *
I've heard it said that the worst part of parallel parking is the witnesses. But if you're real bad at it, you can eliminate that problem too.
* * *
A young pig goes to the animal hospital.
"Geez, doc," he moans, "I feel awful."
"There's a treatment for your condition," the doctor observes sagely. "Get 10 pounds of salt and sleep in it each night."
One week later, the pig returns.
"Your advice worked great!" the pig cries joyfully. "I'm completely cured!"
* * *
My wife has a low sex drive. She's turned on by bums.
* * *
Women should be appreciated like fine wine... aged in the cellar for 5 to 10 years.
* * *
The planet Earth doesn't rate very high in interplanetary guide books. It has only one star.
* * *
Nephew: "Says here my uncle died of natural causes."
Coroner: "So?"
Nephew: "So?! His head is missing!"
Coroner: "That's because he swallowed a hand grenade."
Nephew: "A hand grenade! That's what killed him?"
Coroner: "Naturally."
* * *
Hear about Humpty Dumpty? The pain of his accident caused him to become hooked on drugs. He's now a crackhead.
* * *
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a racist, I'd only become the target for a black holdup man.
* * *
I don't think Dachau jokes are so funny. My grandfather died at Dachau. He was shot out of a guard tower when the Allies arrived.
* * *
Davy Crocket walks into a bar. He kills it, of course.
* * *
Our town baker has red hair and freckles. He's the ginger bread man.
* * *
My Siamese-twin cousins are moving from the US to England. They have to; the one on the left hates to drive.
* * *
Cell phones are directly responsible for rising crime rates in America. With all the phone booths gone, Superman has no place to change his clothes.
* * *
The only thing flat-earthers have to fear is sphere itself.
* * *
Clerk: "Son, if you want to buy this beer you have to prove you're 21. When was your birthday."
Customer: "June the 19th, sir."
Clerk: "Yeah, but what year?"
Customer: "Every year."
* * *
A sheriff's officer enters a roadside cafe and orders coffee to go. The cafe owner is a law abiding citizen, so he immediately throws out all the coffee.
* * *
Hospital Administrator: "I understand you fled the surgical theater before the operation. Why on earth did you do that?"
Patient: "It was that darned nurse! She kept saying, 'Now just relax! No need to be scared! This is a very simple operation! Be strong! Be brave!'"
My exact double approached me to warn that I'd been cloned. Was I angry? I was beside myself!
* * *
A man enters a French bakery.
"I need me some bread," he drawls.
"Certainly sir," relies the clerk. "Baguette?"
"Well a'course!" the man smirks. "How else you expect me ta get it home?"
* * *
It's hardly a surprise that Peter Pan is always flying. His home base is Neverland.
* * *
I've started selling magazines to help supply our local sports team with proper footwear. My goal is ten issues.
* * *
He: "Hey girl! There's a party in my pants and you're invited!"
She: "Sorry. I don't participate in search parties."
* * *
Never store more than one piece of cutlery in a drawer. Place two or more together, and they start conniving.
* * *
I used to be able to moonwalk like Michael Jackson. Man, that really takes me back!
* * *
As a rule, black people don't take cruise ship vacations. None of them plan to fall for that again.
* * *
I don't even know this Rorschach guy! Why'd he paint so many pictures of my parents having sex?
* * *
How do you knit a suit of armor?
Use steel wool.
* * *
Henny Youngman walks into a rest room. He's only there for comic relief.
* * *
Pet owner: "My parrot was awfully sick yesterday. You've examined him for hours... what shape's he in now?"
Vet: "Polygon."
* * *
I enjoy cooking dogs and children. On the other hand I hate using commas.
* * *
A stage magician's sleeves burst into flames during a dangerous trick. Not only is the club suing him for damages, but the cops arrested him for possessing unlicensed fire arms.
* * *
My wife wanted me to get a baby monitor for our infant son. I did, but I still don't think it's a proper pet for a child.
* * *
A Spaniard just can't say no to shellfish! It is, after all, si-food.
* * *
I went to the Air and Space Museum today. Damn place is completely empty!
* * *
An Indian potentate spent a fortune on a vault for his valuables, but not one penny for his wife's clothes. His attitude is "Better safe than sari."
* * *
Nowadays, Kim Jong Un does all his pooping in the freezer. It's his ongoing obsession to produce an icy BM.
* * *
I took my old junker to Kars For Kids... got eight youngsters in exchange.
* * *
Rumor has it that producers have cast Samuel L. Jackson in a new Lord of the Rings reboot in order to obtain racial diversity. He'll be playing Tolkein Black Guy.
* * *
A blind man boards a bus with his service dog. The woman he sits alongside glares at the animal and snarls, "Get that beast away from me! I can feel fleas crawling on me already!"
"We'll move then," the blind man replies. "I wouldn't want Rex to catch fleas."
You can turn any object into a pillow. Just put your mind to it.
* * *
I accidentally dropped my cell phone from the top of a 20 story building. It didn't break, though... fortunately it was in airplane mode.
* * *
A hotel guest calls the desk manager.
"My wife and I just had a terrible fight," he moans, "and she's threatening to jump out the window!"
"Sorry, sir," the manager replies. "The owners won't allow us to become involved in personal matters."
"This isn't a personal matter!" the man fumes. "I'm calling for maintenance. The damn thing won't open!"
* * *
They say condoms provide safety. What a laugh! My buddy was wearing one and suffocated to death!
* * *
My doctor tells me I absolutely mustn't drink anymore. Which is fine... I'll be satisfied with the same amount.
* * *
Lieutenant: "Private, I didn't see you at camouflage training today!"
Private: "Happy to hear it worked, sir!"
* * *
North Korea has finally developed a missile that can hit New York. Which means no target on Earth is safe; if they can make it there, they'll make it anywhere.
* * *
While on the road, I regularly mail my wife a big box of chocolates. She's finally getting tired of it, though... she's come to resent my candy sending attitude.
* * *
I had a vasectomy because I didn't want kids. But when I got home, they were still there.
* * *
Eve doomed the entire human race to suffering and death, and all for an apple! Makes you wonder what she'd do for a Klondike Bar.
* * *
My brother deals with nothing but assholes at work. His fault; he's the one who decided to become a proctologist.
* * *
Helen Keller once contemplated murder, but soon changed her mind. A good thing; it would have been a senseless crime.
* * *
A restaurant downtown says they'll serve breakfast anytime. However, I can't get them to bring anything at all during the Renaissance.
* * *
Why did the velociraptor cross the road?
The chicken hadn't evolved yet.
* * *
Yeah, I'm a chick magnet! Unfortunately I'm also the wrong polarity.
* * *
Hickory Dickory Dock is still popular after all these years. It's a timely song.
* * *
My wife got really angry last time I held the door for her. In retrospect, it was a bad idea to try that with a revolving door.
* * *
Kim Jong Un plans to end global warming. I don't think, however, that Nuclear Winter is a viable solution.
* * *
I really shouldn't have driven home from the bar last night. Especially not, since I'd walked there.
* * *
A spirit medium damaged one of her all-seeing eyes. It's ruined her death perception.
* * *
I once thanked a French guy so profusely, he expired. It was a merci killing.
* * *
A pregnant woman yells out in pain during a tough delivery.
Husband: "What's the problem, sweetie? You're screaming!"
Wife: "What's the problem?! These damned contractions are killing me!"
Husband: "Oh, sorry. Let me try again: what is the problem, sweetie? You are screaming!"
