[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]When the Eagles win, we all win! Free TVs and liquor for everyone!
* * *
I think folks will really come to love nanotechnology. It has a way of getting under your skin.
* * *
The Simpsons’ Moe from Moe’s Tavern and family nemesis Sideshow Bob have more in common than you might think. Moe’s ambition: to be a bartender. Bob’s ambition: to be a Bart ender.
* * *
I’m actually smarter than Albert Einstein! I could hardly help but be... he’s been dead for over 60 years.
* * *
One dedicated researcher has successfully combined human DNA with dog DNA. He spent an awful lot of time in the lab.
* * *
When all the animals were exiting the ark after the flood, Noah said unto them, “Go forth and multiply!”
Two little snakes immediately headed for a big flat rock and started sunning themselves.
“Hey!” cried Noah, “I told you guys to start multiplying! Why aren’t you out there doing it?”
“We can’t,” the snakes smiled back at him. “We’re adders.”
* * *
It always stuns people when I tell them I have 150 pets. A lot of them don’t even believe me until I show them a picture of my big home aquarium. It’s amazing how many puppies you can squeeze into that thing!
* * *
Socialism doesn’t work, but it still has plenty of supporters. They don’t work either.
* * *
Socialists will have their tea break any time but 4:00. They believe that proper tea is theft.
* * *
I had to skip my body-building regimen to be a pallbearer at a funeral. At least I still got in some deadlifting.
* * *
Two glasses of water sit at on a bar. The full one turns to an empty one and says, “Time to go home. You driving?”
The second replies, “I better not. I’m drunk.”
* * *
My wife waits all night for me to come back from the bar, only to demand, “Do you know what time it is?” Damn it, we have clocks all over the house!
* * *
The odds of seeing a live dinosaur on modern-day city streets are 50/50: either you see one or you don’t.
* * *
A woman threatened to sue her local hospital, charging that her husband’s recent operation had diminished his desire for sex. The action lost momentum when it was learned that the surgery had been for cataracts.
* * *
Rasputin, the Russian mystic, would often predict the weather for Tsar Nicholas and his family. He never stopped warning them about the reign fall.
* * *
She: “You promised you’d help me get some housework done, and all you’ve done is fool with that damn Playstation all day! Didn’t I ask you to sweep the house?”
He: “I did, twice. No hostiles.”
* * *
My doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation. I thought it was a crazy treatment until I saw that dragon and shit myself!
* * *
January through December, a calendar is depressed no matter what month it is. It knows its days are numbered.
* * *
I bought myself a whole wheel of cheese. My wife said it would keep me awake at night and she was right. A pillow is much more comfortable.
* * *
What’s the best part of being 100+ years old?
Very little peer pressure.
* * *
So far, Elon Musk has been a paragon. Let’s hope there are no scandals; Elongate could be with us quite awhile.
* * *
Son: “Daddy! Daddy! I almost got a 100 on today’s test!”
Dad: “Son, that’s fantastic! How far off were you?”
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]Scissors: “Hey, what on earth is that flat white sheet people are always writing on?”
Rock: “Beats me.”
* * *
Blonde motorist: “I saw you stalled on the side of the road. You own a vintage VW Beetle, same as mine, so maybe I can help.”
2nd blonde motorist: “I really don’t know what’s wrong. I was driving along fine, then the motor suddenly died.”
Blonde motorist: “You’re in luck, then! I think I have a spare motor in the trunk!”
* * *
My wife bought me a gold Rolex for my birthday. I suspected it was fake when my hand turned green. But, nah... apparently the band was just way too tight.
* * *
How many people does it take to welcome a Nazi?
One Brazilian.
* * *
Teacher: “Jimmy, I want you to name one of the chemical elements,”
Jimmy: “Sure! Dirt.”
Teacher: “Don’t be ignorant! You won’t find Dirt on the periodic table of elements!”
Jimmy: “You will if you don’t wash proper.”
* * *
Our local theater critic slams every production he sees. He hopes the notoriety will someday make him rich; he’s panning for gold.
* * *
The clergy tells us that Jesus paid for our sins. I suppose he used Praypal.
* * *
Yuri Gagarin to Alan Shepard: “Hey, you can’t park that thing here! This is my space!”
* * *
My kids are 7 and 9. That isn’t their ages; it’s how annoying they are on a scale of 10.
* * *
Kurt Cobain was a very depressed 13 year old. Turns out he was having a midlife crisis.
* * *
Eskimos have a fool-proof way of catching seals. They dig a small hole in the ice, then sprinkle peas around the edge. A seal will swim along underneath until it sees the tempting food; when it comes up to take a pea, the hunters kick it in the ice hole.
* * *
He: “I have to know! How many other men have you slept with?”
She: “Only you, dear. The rest of them aren’t half as boring.”
* * *
Our local theater once advertised a whole program of XXX features. I was excited as hell till I found out it was a Roman film festival.
* * *
Imperial Roman bathhouses were divided into three rooms with three different temperatures. The room with hot baths was called the Caldarium; the room with lukewarm baths was called the Tepidarium; finally, the room with cold baths was called the Frigidarium. Rumor has it that when you opened the door to this last room, a little light went on.
* * *
My brother was a pharmaceutical salesman, but he went broke by taking too many of the samples. He became a pill pauper.
* * *
The new model of male sex robot is now available for service. He has standardized routine for quickies: nuts and bolts.
* * *
I saw a chameleon today... a pretty lousy one, evidently.
* * *
Participating in a marathon can be great for your health. But only in the long run.
* * *
I got one of those stair-lift systems for my arthritic Mom. I thought she’d love it, but now I’m not so sure. She tells me it’s driving her up the wall.
* * *
Son: “Dad, what are condoms good for?”
Dad: “Well, they prevent annoying questions for a start.”
* * *
Q: What can you do to keep Canadian bacon from curling?
A: Take away its broom.
* * *
Doctor: “Sir, you are one of the healthiest 65 year olds I’ve ever examined! You must have a great genetic makeup! Tell me, how long ago did your father die?”
Patient: “What makes you think he’s dead? Dad is 92 years old, still jogs every morning and still works in the yard every day.”
Doctor: “That’s truly amazing! Okay then, when did your grandfather die?”
Patient: “What makes you think he’s dead? Granddad is 115 years old, still water skis and is about to marry an 18 year old beauty!”
Doctor: “Good lord, that’s unbelievable! It’s hard to imagine that any man would even want to marry a girl that much younger than himself!”
Patient: “What makes you think he wants to?”[/FONT]
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]Subway Jerod became famous by lowering his waist size. Even today he’d like to get into a smaller pair of pants.
* * *
Hear about the blonde athlete who won a gold medal at the Olympics? She wanted to remember the moment, so she had it bronzed.
* * *
A drill sergeant enters a drug store and orders 1000 condoms.
“Good lord!” exclaims the clerk. “Are all these for you?”
“More or less,” replies the noncom. “Most of ‘em are for my privates.”
* * *
Teacher: “Little Johnny, in which year did Columbus discover America?”
Johnny: “Hmmm... that’s an interesting question, ma’am. What do you think?”
Teacher: “Don’t ask me what I think! I don’t think! I know!”
Johnny: “Ah! If you don’t think you know, I can see why you’re so eager to find out!”
* * *
I always hold the car door open for a lady. Makes it so much easier to kick her out.
* * *
It’s ridiculously easy to graduate from Pirate University. All you need is high C’s.
* * *
Teacher: “Write “55” on the blackboard, please.”
Blond student: “How do I do that?”
Teacher: (sigh) “Just put down a “5”, then put another “5” alongside it.”
Student: “..........”
Teacher: “We’ll, what’s the problem?”
Student: “I can’t figure out which side to put it on.”
* * *
To raise funds, a monastery retreat began to serve meals to the public. It became quite popular for its English-style fish luncheon, and one day I was called upon to cart an order of potatoes to the kitchen.
“Hey!” I called out to the first man I saw with an apron, “I have a delivery here. Are you one of the friars?”
“Yep, I’m a fryer,” he replied, “You can leave those potatoes with me. I’ll store them away; I’m a chip monk.”
* * *
A road worker goes to his foreman with a shovel lodged in his skull.
“Oh, hi Dug,” the foreman drawls. “Better see the camp doctor.”
A few minutes later, the man returns. The shovel has been removed and his head is bandaged.
“Ah, that’s much better,” the foreman approves. “Back to work, Dug-less.”
* * *
There are two kinds of people in the world. The best kind can extrapolate from incomplete data.
* * *
Never take medication at McDonalds if your meal comes with fries. You have to be awfully careful about side effects.
* * *
I tried to tell my little son about the Pluto controversy. He told me he didn’t need ex-planetary notes.
* * *
Did you know that hives has special chamber where the drones can dump their bodily fluids? It’s known colloquially as a BP station.
* * *
Life becomes more enjoyable as you grow older. Infants may not dig the infantry, but adults as just wild about adultery!
* * *
An old trick to overcome public speaking nervousness is to imagine your audience naked. Note: this tactic may not work at nudist camps. And it’s absolutely discouraged at elementary schools.
* * *
Little Johnny: “Teacher, can I go the the bathroom?”
Teacher: “May I go to the bathroom.”
Johnny: “Hey, I asked first.”
* * *
Studies indicate that beavers are responsible for most of the flooding in our county. The evidence against them is damming.
* * *
How does a blind sky diver know he’s getting close to the ground?
His guide dog’s leash goes slack.
* * *
My wife says I’m a hypochondriac. Don’t blame me for it; it’s an illness.
* * *
Mark Hamill has a Star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Not James Earl Jones; he has a Death Star.
* * *
I’m irresistibly drawn to fat girls. Fucking gravity...
* * *
Lawyers have been likened to prostitutes, but really that’s a pretty poor comparison. A hooker will stop trying to screw you once you’re dead.[/FONT]
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]A man went next door to see his neighbor on an important matter.
“Yesterday your dog barked and snapped at my mother-in-law,” he stated gravely. “The animal became so aggressive, she stumbled off the curb and broke her hip.”
“I’m so desperately sorry!” the neighbor fumbled. “I suppose you’re here about money.”
“That’s precisely what I had in mind.” replied the man. “Care to sell him?”
* * *
A psycho breaks out of the asylum. The first thing he does is head for the local cat-house and pick the oldest, flabbiest ***** in the place. Obviously he had a loose screw.
* * *
Alfred the Great was one of the canniest rulers of his age. He knew all the Angles.
* * *
Women shouldn’t ever need to own watches. I mean, c’mon! There’s a clock built right into the oven!
* * *
A blonde mom is cooking dinner one night, when her blonde daughter enters the room.
“Mom,” the girl asks, “how come people think blondes are dumb?”
“I’ll demonstrate,” replies Mom, and raps firmly on the kitchen counter.
“I better go answer the door,” the girl says immediately.
“There,” Mom sighs wearily. “That’s what gives people the impression that all blondes are dumb. Now you keep an eye on these pork chops while I go see who’s at the door.”
* * *
Baby asp: “Mom, are we poisonous or non-poisonous snakes?”
Mother asp: “Oh, we’re poisonous all right. It’s just the way God made us so don’t let it concern you.”
Baby asp: “I have to be concerned! I was eating lunch and just bit my tongue.”
* * *
I used to have an addiction to masterbation. Then I met this cute girl and my addiction shifted over to general sex. It’s really gotten out of hand.
* * *
Early in my youth, I was blessed with a 10-inch penis. Happily, the police caught that lousy buggering priest.
* * *
She: “This summer infestation is horrible! Hope you managed to get rid of a few of these flies.”
He: “Yep. Five altogether: three males and two females.”
She: “How on earth do you determine their sex?”
He: “Well, I killed three on my beer can. The other two were on the phone.”
* * *
A biker is cycling cross country when he becomes lost in farmland. Seeing a laborer toiling away in the field, he stops to ask directions.
“Hey pal,” he calls out, “what’s the fastest way to get to Bakersfield?”
“Well,” replies the farmhand, “you could dump that bike and buy yourself a motorcycle. That’d shave three hours off your trip.”
* * *
I was going to post a time travel joke but thought better of it. You guys said it was terrible.
* * *
I’ve done the impossible and invented a time travel machine. Unfortunately, the only speed it will move at is “Normal”.
* * *
The principal difference between a lawyer and a liar? Pronunciation.
* * *
The Bible is far better than the Dictionary. The Dictionary may contain verbs, but the Bible contains Pro-verbs.
* * *
When you think about it, “Trojan” is an awfully bad name for a condom. The Trojans were a people famous for having had their city wall breached.
* * *
Why call it “a pair of pants”? Ever try to buy just one?
* * *
Yesterday I saw a quadriplegic man lying on a pile of dry leaves. I believe his name is Russell.
* * *
We took the same quadriplegic guy water skiing today. Turns out his name is Skip.
* * *
Chewbacca blew up an Imperial candy factory and came back with remnants stuck all over his fur. He’s now a chocolate chip Wookie.
* * *
Spider Man has developed super-reflexes. That’s why he has great response ability.
* * *
With great power comes even greater electric bills.
* * *
Teacher: “Little Johnny, it’s your turn. Please stand up and gives us your report for How My Week Went.”
Johnny: “Well, on Monday my daddy fell down our well.”
Teacher: “Gracious heavens! Is he all right now!”
Johnny: “He must be. He quit yelling for help yesterday.”[/FONT]
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]Got any corny jokes? I’m all ears!
* * *
I had to have a Beatle hairdo for a costume party and told my barber I needed it in a hurry. Big mistake. He said he knew a short cut.
* * *
Harvey Weinstein was producing a period drama in which the villain menaces the heroine with a club.
“Threatening with a club isn’t really all that exciting,” he complained to the director. “How’s about we make it a little rapier?”
* * *
I had my heart set on either sex or a movie last night. Well, she was on her period and the show happened to be sold out. But that didn’t stop me... I sneaked in through the rear entrance.
* * *
My wife whined and moaned about menstral cramps all night long. I think she was ovary acting.
* * *
Protesters have gathered outside a restaurant that features beer battered fish. They claim it’s alcohol abuse.
* * *
Trying to ruin my reputation by calling me schizophrenic, eh? Well, three can play at that game!
* * *
The Mavzoléy Lénina in Moscow is open to the public so that everyone can admire the Soviet’s first leader. There he is for all Russia to see, lying peacefully as though asleep in his bedding. It’s a masterful job of preservation; caretakers need only close down once a week for Lenin service.
* * *
A good percentage of my friends are racists. The number is zero... the best percentage I can think of.
* * *
A procrastinator walks into a bar...
... wait for it...
* * *
My uncle must have been a transvestite. His life philosophy was Eat, Drink and be Mary.
* * *
“Hey, I warned you! This salve is for external use only.”
“Okay, okay. I get it. Don’t rub it in.”
* * *
I thought it would be a great security idea to put a high-voltage electric fence around my property, but not everyone agrees. My next-door neighbor’s dead against it.
* * *
The royalty of Britain used to hold absolute power, but today the position is only ceremonial. Many years ago, they received a reign check.
* * *
I was strolling past a funeral home today when the director rushed outside and immediately tried to interest me in buying a coffin. A coffin! Ha! That’s the last thing I need!
* * *
Ever hear a song called “For Tonight”? It came out a couple of weeks ago.
* * *
The city shut off my brother’s water for non payment. He looked so sick about it, I sent him a card encouraging him to “Get well soon!”
* * *
One cockroach runs into another on top an 8 day old baguette.
“Hi there!” chirps the first. “I’m a local!”
“Me too!” replies the second. “I was born in bread right here!”
* * *
I went to the grocery store to pick up a gallon of milk.
“Would you like that in a paper bag?” the clerk inquired.
“Certainly not!“ I shot back. “Paper would leak all over! Just leave it in the plastic jug.”
* * *
Mummies may look fearsome, but you’ll never catch one bungee jumping. They simply don’t have the guts.
* * *
Mercury has a reputation for being a fast liquid, but actually milk is faster. It’s pasteurized before you even see it.
* * *
Donald Trump’s so popular with his supporters, he seems to have them under a spell. What’s the secret to his magic? Must be slight of hand...[/FONT]
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]My brother used to be an addict, but surprisingly the bank hired him on the spot. He told them he was an expert at withdrawals.
* * *
O, to Q: “Hey, man! Zip up!”
* * *
I know a guy whose ejaculate squirts out in different colors. Orange, green, candy-striped... anything at all. It’s so unusual, the ladies find it off-putting. But you’ll never see him cum plain.
* * *
Ever hear the parable about the earless cat? No? Well, he hasn’t either.
* * *
My doctor advised me to start running. He must have found out about the affair I’m having with his wife.
* * *
Now that non-politician celebrities can become president, many other famous names are being considered. Ronald McDonald, for instance, is a popular choice. Fat people, in particular, support him; they dream about the very first nommy nation.
* * *
I foolishly opened my water bill and electric bill at the same time. Let me tell you, it was shocking!
* * *
Newfoundland fur seal pups are lucky. Each year, they get free Canadian Club.
* * *
Alexander Graham Bell built the very first telephone, but my great granddad did something even more useful. He built the second one.
* * *
The word “nun” is an odd term for a profession so staid and formal. It would actually be better suited for a clown. Ever notice? It’s an “n” doing a somersault.
* * *
I don’t think the guy at the hardware store knows what he’s talking about. I went there to get supplies to build a table and he recommended chairy wood.
* * *
Son: “Dad, why did you decide to become an airline pilot?”
Dad: “I did it in order to conquer my biggest fear.”
Son: “Oh. Of high places, huh?”
Dad: “No, of dying alone.”
* * *
Our town’s watch repairman used to be an outlaw biker. If ever you run into him, prepare to have your clock cleaned.
* * *
The Delaware Memorial Bridge?! I didn’t even know Delaware had been sick!
* * *
If you can’t beat them, punch harder. They’ll be expecting you to join them and you’ll have the element of surprise.
* * *
Attila the Hun and Winnie the Pooh must be related. They have exactly the same middle name.
* * *
Socrates had severe kidney problems. He was the first deep thinker in history to actually produce a Philosopher’s Stone.
* * *
Doctors say there are no health benefits to smoking, but I’m not so sure. It cures ham, doesn’t it?
* * *
“Hey hombre, which direction did that rogue programmer go?”
“He went data way.”
* * *
The guy who played Gollum in all those Hobbit movies made a special appearance at our local theater. You can bet the whole town turned out to see him; nothing draws crowds like a Serkis.
* * *
Our local dentist is offering a heck of a deal, complimentary x-rays! But so far, the advertising hasn’t been very effective: “Free Tooth Pics”.
* * *
A blonde received her license renewal through the mail. She eagerly tore open the envelope to have a look, but afterward her face sunk in dismay.
“What’s the matter?” questioned her boyfriend. “Didn’t your picture turn out well?”
“Oh, that’s fine,” she moaned, “but somehow I managed to fail the test. In my best subject, too.”
Her boyfriend grabbed the card to find out what the heck she was talking about. That’s when he saw it: “Sex-F”.[/FONT]
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]Evidently President Lincoln died in a restaurant. I just learned he was shot by John Wilke’s booth.
* * *
My girlfriend sent a little note with my lunch, “Get better soon!” Jesus, sex last night wasn’t that bad!
* * *
Hear about the controversial alternate final episode of Seinfeld in which the plane crashes and kills everybody? It was disturbing, but still got four stars.
* * *
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One of them turns to the other and says, “Pickles... there’s something not quite right about this.”
* * *
She: “I’ve got something to tell you. Uh... ummm...”
He: “Well, let’s have it. Don’t beat around the bush.”
She: “Funny you should put it that way: I’m pregnant.”
* * *
Trump swears he doesn’t wear a rug, and actually it’s hard to believe that any hairpiece could look that bad. If it’s ever confirmed he does, the press will go nuts... they’ll proclaim:”President has Hell Toupee!”
* * *
I had an appointment with my doctor yesterday, but he spent most of his time on the phone. What miserable luck; I had to deal with an on-callogist.
* * *
First caveman: “Hello there, Ogg! Hey, that ‘wheel’ invention of yours turned out swell! What are you working on now?”
Second caveman: “I call it a ‘knife’. You’ll be able to use to skin rabbits, prepare vegetables, that kinda thing.”
First caveman: “Sounds great! But what’s with the big pile of broken rocks in the corner?”
Second caveman: “Unsuccessful prototypes. They didn’t make the cut.”
* * *
I have an absolutely clean conscience. Never used.
* * *
Trousers are allowed in school if they’re supported by a belt, but not if they’re kept in place by braces. In the latter case, they’re suspended.
* * *
Technologists are working hard to develop a self-driving car, but that ignores the fact that transportation already had an automatic system that allowed drivers to drink booze or even fall asleep and still reach their destination safely. Then some smart-ass decided we needed a horse-less carriage.
* * *
I love prunes so much, it’s like an addiction. I just can’t go without them.
* * *
Russian official: “President Putin, you won the election with 99 percent of the vote! Imagine it, 99 percent! Only 1 percent of the people voted against you! What more could you possibly want!”
Putin: “Their names.”
* * *
Donald Trump telephones Vladimir Putin to offer congratulations on the successful election.
“You’re welcome,” replied Putin, “but a little late. Why did you wait for over a year?”
* * *
I caught my wife having sex with my best friend. Naturally, I told her to pack her bags and get out. And him? I put him back in the kennel and made him go a week without his favorite chew toy.
* * *
The difference between a brown nose and a shit head?
Depth perception.
* * *
There’s a rumor going ‘round that the giant who lives in the clouds up above our village has diarrhea. It’s all over town.
* * *
An accused killer fled jurisdiction before his trial could be concluded, but the judge decided to hand down a ruling anyway. The defense attorney brought a picture of his absent client to serve as a stand-in.
“I now deliver a verdict of guilty as charged,” thundered the judge.
“That ain’t fair!” whined the picture from the defense table. “I was framed!”
* * *
Pity poor Anne Boleyn! She got royally screwed!
* * *
The Chess Club may be considered a bunch of social outcasts by most, but our local hotel owner invites them to celebrate their latest victories weekly in the banquet room just off his establishment’s lobby. He’s quite sentimental and loves to see chess nuts boasting by an open foyer.
* * *
My girlfriend wants to Save the Whales, so she joined the “Green Peas” foundation. What farming and fishing have to do with each other, I’ve yet to figure out.
* * *
I think a border wall is a terrific idea! The last thing we need is an invasion of dirty, unruly layabouts from south of the border. Our country is far better off without their kind. So please, please, please... keep them out of Canada![/FONT]
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]I just don’t get women. My wife said she bought all that sexy lingerie expressly for my pleasure. Yet when she catches me trying it on, she’s furious!
* * *
Did you know there’s a religious holiday for masterbaters? Surprisingly, there seems to be: Palm Sunday.
* * *
My washer/drier and dishwasher stopped working last week. He was finally able to pick the lock on that leg-iron.
* * *
A busty blond swimmer took part in the Olympic breaststroke tryouts. She came in dead last and was quite bitter about the defeat... bitched like hell that all the other participants used their arms and legs.
* * *
The abacus I bought was faulty and I wanted repairs or a refund. I went back to the shop for advice; the salesman told me not to count on it.
* * *
Son: “Dad, I just learned that butterflies die after only one day. See that butterfly in the yard? It’s already lived half its life!”
Dad: “Son, that’s an old myth.”
Son: “Technically, it’s middle-aged. And it’s definitely a butterfly!”
* * *
I never have to work hard at dating; just this afternoon, I was asked out by 30 gorgeous women! Pretty polite of them, considering I’d deliberately broken into their locker room.
* * *
A talking horse, a six winged parrot and a pink dragon enter a bar. It’s at this point I realize that I desperately need to do something about my alcohol addiction.
* * *
Here’s part of a classic occupational aptitude test: rearrange the letters EPINS to spell a vitally important body part. If you ended up with SPINE, you’re a perfect candidate for medical school. The rest of you will have to be satisfied with careers in Congress.
* * *
When I first started wearing glasses, I was concerned about the way I would look. Needn’t have worried ... the part that fits over your eyes is transparent.
* * *
Terry Bradshaw is a flamboyant character, but that doesn’t mean you should ever make fun of him. Many people have died from dissin’ Terry.
* * *
As I walked through heavy winds, I could distinctly hear nasty, insulting remarks. It was diss gusting.
* * *
The jokes in this thread must be Extra-Crispy; they certainly aren’t Original.
* * *
My girlfriend got promoted to an important position at her job in an industrial lubricant plant. It’s actually quite an inconvenience; during business hours it’s almost impossible to get ahold of her.
* * *
I innocently hired Richard Kimble to work in my tree nursery... next thing I know, I’m being arrested for arboring a fugitive.
* * *
Conductor: “Sir, could you kindly come out of the lavatory? I need to see your ticket.”
Passenger: “Not right now, for heaven’s sake! I’m... in the middle of something. Can’t you come back later?”
Conductor: “Sir, I have dozens of people to check! Just slide it under the door, please.”
Passenger: “Okay, okay. If you insist. Gotta warn you, though... it’s awfully runny.”
* * *
March 26th was devoted to Epilepsy Awareness. Their motto: “Get out there and seize the day!”
* * *
I hate salsa dancing... wish it would sit still so I can dip my chip.
* * *
My wife asked me if I wanted anything special for my birthday. I’ve been pining for a new drill, so I said she ought to get a Black and Decker. Next thing I know, she’s up on racially-motivated assault charges.
* * *
The combination to the army cash box is pretty simple to remember: left... left... left, right, left.
* * *
My wife and I couldn’t afford to adopt a boy from China, so we got one from France instead. He’s just a oui lad.
* * *
Stormy Daniels really should run for President. If we’re going to have an opportunistic blowhard in office, at least we ought to have one with nice hair.[/FONT]
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]Gays used to be committed to the asylum as a cure. Where you think they got the term “straight jacket”?
* * *
I derive a great deal of profit, not mention personal satisfaction, out of pirating music. Some may find the practice unsavory, but I don’t care; no one’s gonna stop me from holding concerts where I sing “Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle of Rum!”
* * *
Great strides have been made in the field of children’s medicine. Researchers have developed a cuddly toy animal full of anesthetics that young ones can hug in preparation for surgery. It turns operations into playtime: kids just can’t wait for the arrival of the Ether Bunny!
* * *
Easter adopts bunnies as its symbol, while Arbor Day is associated with trees. Two popular holidays... two separate emblems: the carrot-and-stick approach.
* * *
Some sage advice for IBM: change your company name to ICBM! Your sales will skyrocket!
* * *
I must be playing this trumpet wrong; I really suck at it.
* * *
Hear about the cannibal who ate his wife? It was a Mom in Pop operation.
* * *
As an April Fools prank, my wife replaced the contents of the Alphabits box with Cheerios. I had only one word in response: “Ooooooooooo...”
* * *
“I’ve said before and I’ll say it again: hindsight is 20/20.”
“Don’t be so damned silly! 2020 is future sight.”
* * *
My brother told me, “Don’t be so scared of flying. More people die in showers than in planes.”
Man, the shower floors during World Wars I and II must have been lined with grease!
* * *
Bro: “This is some kind of record! Your phone conversations usually last for two hours or better. Tonight, it was only half that long. Who was it anyway?”
Sis: “Wrong number.”
* * *
Cherry trees in colonial Virginia must have stunk something awful. I’ve been told that George Washington cut one.
* * *
Narcissists never feel the need to overeat. They’re already too full of themselves.
* * *
When I was young, it was my ambition to be a broker. Well, I succeeded... I’m broker than ever.
* * *
My brother wanted to be a lawyer. He didn’t do so well either... each night on the way home, he never managed to pass the bar.
* * *
Marriage counselor: “Let me get this straight... you want to divorce your husband because he only gives you sex weekly? That’s actually quite a lot for a couple who’ve been together as long as you have.”
Wife: “Why would frequency matter? He makes love weakly now matter how often we do it!”
* * *
A guy owning a big car is frequently sited as an example of compensation. In other words, the size of the automobile makes up for male size deficiency somewhere else.
Geez, no wonder so many folks are scared of clowns!
* * *
In the Star Wars saga, episodes 4, 5 and 6 precede episodes 1,2 and 3. That’s because in charge of scheduling, Yoda was.
* * *
U is the laziest letter in the alphabet. It just can’t escape TV.
* * *
Two friends, a rabbi and a minister, decide to pool their resources and buy a car. The first thing the Minister does is take it to the car wash.
“That’s to welcome a new addition to the family,” he explains. “The Rite of Baptism.”
The next day, the Minister is surprised to find the Rabbi sawing two inches off the tailpipe.
* * *
“Mom, can I have a dog? Pleeeeease?”
“Not on Thanksgiving, dear. You’re going the have turkey like the rest of us.”
* * *
The difference between Communism and Capitalism: Marx, the Communist, wanted to seize the means of production; Trump, the Capitalist, did seize the means of reproduction.[/FONT]
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]My brother always said, “You’ve got as much chance of finding an honest politician as you have seeing a pig fly.” I’m not sure that’s such a
clever metaphor... most politicians in this country are exactly like flying pigs. There’s only one small difference: the letter “F”.
* * *
Olympic spectator: “Pardon me, but are you a pole-vaulter?”
Athlete: “Nein, I am a German. But how did you known mein name is Walter?”
* * *
This is the last time I try to comfort someone! My neighbor told me her child might have an extra set of chromosomes. I replied, “Don’t let it get him down.”
* * *
Hear about the mad doctor who committed unauthorized trans-species surgery? He was strangled to death; one of the patients did it with his bear hands.
* * *
My cousin is homosexual. My friend is bisexual. Me, I’m trisexual. I’ve heard about sex... would like to try it sometime.
* * *
“O” is the noisiest vowel in the alphabet. That must be true... the rest of them are in “audible”.
* * *
In the ‘60s I dated a flowerchild. She was alright in most ways, but I really wish she’d gone on a diet; she was just a little hippy.
* * *
Mark Zuckerberg values your privacy! Check the latest news reports for going rates.
* * *
The thought of returning home to my wife at the end of the day makes my job so much more tolerable. Think I’ll work late again tonight...
* * *
My shrewish wife snarls that I’m no good at commitment. She may be right: I’ve unsuccessful tried to commit suicide three times.
* * *
“Outside of a dog, a good book is man’s best friend.” Of course that’s true... inside a dog, it’s too dark to read.
* * *
I don’t know what kind of blood I have and I guess I’ll never find out. When I asked my doctor about it, all he did was look at my chart and say, “Typo.”
* * *
Teacher: “Little Jimmy, please give us a sentence starting with ‘I’.”
Jimmy: “Yes, teacher: ‘I is-‘ “
Teacher: “Wrong wrong wrong! You haven’t been paying attention! Never start a sentence ‘I is’. You always say ‘I am’. Now begin again.”
Jimmy: “If you say so, teacher: ‘I am the ninth letter in the alphabet.’ “
* * *
Thank God I’m not bisexual! I don’t think I could stand being rejected by twice as many people.
* * *
The Seven Dwarves weren’t as pleasant as the Disney film would have us believe. In reality, they were a crew of gangstas who plied Snow White with marijuana to loosen up her inhibitions so they could have sex with her. Why else do you think they were constantly singing “High Ho”?
* * *
My next-door neighbor kept bragging about his terrific horoscope. Well, I’m not really an astrology fan but accepted all his talk genially... until I noticed that he had a telescope trained on my daughter’s bedroom window.
* * *
Psychic Yuri Geller thought he had the world by the tail until he ran into skeptic James Randi. After that, he lost his illusions.
* * *
I got bored and attended a boxing match, just for kicks. Seems I had it confused with mixed martial arts.
* * *
There’s a famous tower in Pisa Italy that may be for sale. I just heard that it’s listed.
* * *
Son: “Dad! Dad! I just got cast in the school play! It’s a story all about a big family!”
Dad: “That so? Who will you be playing?”
Son: “The husband!”
Dad: “Shoot. I was hoping you’d get a speaking part.”
* * *
“Have you ever read ‘That Dark and Bloody River’?”
“Nope. I don’t enjoy period novels.”
* * *
A distraught young woman goes to a edge of a cliff and prepares to jump. While she builds up her nerve, a vagrant wonders by and sneers, “If you plan on being dead in a
couple of minutes, it won’t matter much if you have sex with me first. How about it?”
The lady draws back, horrified.
“Get away from me, you smelly, ugly degenerate!”
“Suit yourself,” shrugs the bum. “I’ll just wait at the bottom.”[/FONT]
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]I’ve been reading the “Lord of the Rings” novels; did you know that the character Gollum was once a normal man, but that wearing the ring drained away his energy, his youth and his zest for life? Geez... I didn’t suspect it was a wedding ring.
* * *
In olden days, the supreme British punishment was to be hung, drawn and quartered. Doesn’t sound like much disincentive, does it: a portrait, a free room and a penis enlarger.
* * *
On my last vacation, I visited an old settlement that had been inhabited entirely by the KKK. It was a ghost town.
* * *
It’s a miracle we can have a gin and tonic with ice. What other couple stays together once their relationship is on the rocks?
* * *
When my girlfriend told me she was pregnant, I felt extreme sympathy. Golly, I know what it’s like to grow up without a father.
* * *
Why are you staring at that glass of water? Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.
* * *
Geneticists are working on a chicken/centipede hybrid. What an idea! Drumsticks for everybody!
* * *
The Champ-Élysées is lined with trees. I guess German troops like to march in the shade.
* * *
My neighbor’s parrot kept talking about suicide, so I sneaked him out of his cage to see a psychiatrist. Then my neighbor ends up killing himself. Man, what a wild coincidence.
* * *
It’s a big mistake to build an automobile out of pasta. It usually turns out all denty.
* * *
Greek culture after Alexander the Great was Hellenistic. Before Alexander, it was only slightly nistic.
* * *
“I know cows give cream, but you say they also produce coffee?”
“That’s what I heard. But only decaf.”
* * *
TV producers are contemplating a situation comedy show set on Santa Lucia Island. It’s provisionally called “Isle of Lucy”.
* * *
My wife likes to stay on her toes. That’s why I bought her a pair of high heels.
* * *
Two men are cutting through a dark alley one night when a mugger pops up with a pistol, demanding all their money. The first man produces his wallet and pulls out the bills, all of which he hands over to the gunman except for one.
“Hey Joe,” he says to his companion. “Here’s the twenty I owe you.”
* * *
I wish I owned a bird carved out of hickory. It would be quite the novelty, wooden tit!
* * *
Doctor: “Mr. Smith, it’s time to deliver the baby.”
Father: “Great! Take him to see my folks in Poughkeepsie.”
* * *
Two fish are a tank. One turns to the other and warns, “Supplies better arrive soon. We’re down to our last shell.”
* * *
Blonde: “Come meet my new dogs.”
Visitor: “My, they certainly are big. What do you call them?”
Blonde: “ Rolex and Timex.”
Visitor: “Rolex... Timex. Those are awfully odd names.”
Blonde: “Not really. They’re watch dogs.”
* * *
China’s new facial recognition technology is amazing! At a concert crowd of 50,000 Chinese fans, it was able to identify a single criminal! 50,000 times!
* * *
I just found out that cock fighting is done with male chickens. Damn! And I’ve been training so hard...
* * *
Patient: “All night, every night... all I ever dream about is cats playing football! Eight straight hours! From the moment my head hits the pillow till the alarm goes off! Cats cats cats cats cats cats caaaats! CATS PLAYING FOOTBALLLL!”
Psychiatrist: “Don’t panic. I can write you a prescription. It’ll get rid of those dreams, no problem.”
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]Moscow has a new scheme for rooting out Russian defectors: it’s placing trained drones in foreign hives with special miniature listening equipment and lethally poisoned stingers. Anybody who suspects the location of one should alert authorities at once. Never try to sneak up on it yourself; it’s a cagey bee.
* * *
I bumped into an old acquaintance today. Knocked him off the curb and broke his arm, I’m afraid.
* * *
It’s true that many married men stray. But not all, of course. Certain women know exactly where their husbands are every minute of every day. They’re called widows.
* * *
My lying boss recently sent a message telling me I was fired. It read: “The quality of your work has been OK, but I’m going to have to let you go regardless. You simply aren’t getting enough done; you’re far too easily distracted.” What crap! Hey, have you ever noticed how much ‘OK’ looks just like a little man lying on his side?
* * *
Son: “Dad, how come mom says you have a green thumb? It doesn’t look green to me. It looks pink.”
Dad: “That’s just a figure of speech, son. It’s like saying “caught red-handed” when you’re accused of stealing something. The hands aren’t really red.”
Son: “Oh. So what color are they?”
Dad: “Black.”
* * *
That Jewish girl just asked for my number. I told her not to live in the past... we use names in this country.
* * *
He: “What a ripoff! That boxing match lasted only 30 seconds!”
She: “Ha! Now you know how I feel!”
* * *
My girlfriend for the last 10 years died suddenly yesterday. Don’t feel bad for me, though.... it’s her husband who’s getting blamed for it.
* * *
Society tells a man he’s incomplete until he marries. I wholeheartedly agree... after the wedding, he’s finished.
* * *
What tempo do climatologists use when they compute global warming?
Al Gore rhythm.
* * *
A bee landed on my brother’s head and stung him. He went to hospital with a bulging eyes, a swollen nose and massive facial discoloration. But it could have been worse; he might have been stung a second time if I hadn’t swatted the damn thing with a shovel.
* * *
Teacher: “Little Jimmy, how do you spell ‘chair’?”
Jimmy: “C-H-A-R-E.“
Teacher: “I’m afraid that’s the wrong answer.”
Jimmy: “Tain’t neither! I always spell it that way!”
* * *
My tenant taught his dog how to answer the phone... classic example of a border callee.
* * *
Gandalf got a job at Hogwarts, but it just didn’t work out; whatever course he wound up teaching, no one could pass.
* * *
A man lost his penis in an industrial accident. It was reattached after hours’ long surgery, but I’m not sure he deserved it. He may be a sex predator... reportedly told the doctors, “Can’t wait for the stitches to heal! I wanna feel hole again.”
* * *
“So, where were you born?”
“The great state of Texas!”
“Texas, eh? Which part?”
“Whatta you mean ‘which part’? All of me!”
* * *
I went to the funeral home to consult with the mortician; that’s when I found out he was a pervert. His assistant told me he was too busy nailing the coffin.
* * *
“My wife went home to visit her folks in Indonesia.”
“Oh. Djakarta?”
“Heavens no! It’s way too far! She flew instead.”
* * *
Pedophiles are all social outcasts. It’s easy to spot them... they have trouble fitting in.
* * *
I’m divorcing my wife. It’s her damned fault... all those men! The mailman! The repairman! My best friend from work! Damn her! Damn her! Damn her! Why can’t she see I’m gay?
* * *
“Grandpa, you’re amazing! Married to Grandma for sixty years and you still call her “darling”! After sixty years! How do you do it!”
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]My wife had a toothache last week. She told me the pain was so bad, it was worse than childbirth. This is highly unlikely; I doubt she even remembers being born.
* * *
Cats have it awfully tough. Imagine... being practically dead before you can watch your first R-rated movie.
* * *
Prices at the gun store are mighty high. Not like last year... I went this past August to buy ammunition and found everything to be 50% off! Lucky for me I arrived during the Back To School sale!
* * *
She: “What’s your very favorite thing?”
He: Well, I’ll give you a clue. It starts with a ‘P’ and ends with ‘O-R-N’.”
She: “Hey, me too! Wanna make some?”
He: “Wow! You really mean it?”
She: “ You bet I do! Not every day a meet a guy who shares my passion for popcorn!”
* * *
I have a bone to pick with the people who named the Great White Shark. They must racists... why else assume it’s great just because it’s white?
* * *
What is the capital of Greece?
At this point, about 15 euros.
* * *
My wife is allergic to my dog Missy, so I’m forced to get rid of her. She’s 35 years old and spends the day watching soap operas, in case your interested.
* * *
If you really like omelettes, be sure to visit Texas. Hens there lay them.
* * *
A train must have gone this way. I can see its tracks.
* * *
He: “You’re extremely beautiful!”
She: “ You’re just saying that because you want to have sex with me.”
He: “Smart too!”
* * *
One of the secretaries at work is afraid she’s being stalked. I’d tell her I sympathize, but I don’t want to reveal my hiding place.
* * *
My best friend lost his banjo yesterday. It hit him hard... he was underneath the window when his wife threw it out.
* * *
We have one in every corner and two in each room... the letter “O”, that is.
* * *
A lady executive for a US firm had an important meeting scheduled in London. Before she left she asked her house-husband, “Anything you’d like me to bring back?”
“Sure,” smirked hubby. “How about a nice British girl who won’t go off galavanting all the time?”
Steamed, the woman left for England.
Three weeks later when she returned, her husband immediately asked, “So, am I gonna get my British girl or not?”
“Yes you are,” his wife replied sweetly. “But you’re gonna have to wait nine months.”
* * *
Ever wonder where these jokes come from? Well, when a mommy and daddy joke love each other very much, they plan a family. That’s when daddy puts a pun in the oven.
* * *
These psychics are amazing! One of them told me I’d come into a lot of money one day. Well, meet my 400 pound wife, Penny!
* * *
God labored diligently to build the soul of Jeremiah. In the middle of the job, archangel Michael craved audience.
“Never disturb me at work!” God groused. “Can’t you see I’m busy making prophets?”
* * *
Hear about the new video game “DJ Hero”? It’s specially designed for all those kids too unambitious to learn to fake-play a guitar.
* * *
Doctor: “Your wife is resting comfortably, Mr. Johnson, and I’m happy to report that you now have a fine new baby son.”
Mr. Johnson: “Doc... this may sound shocking and a bit selfish, but I’d really like to know: how soon would it be safe for us to have sex?”
Doctor: “Well, I still have to scrub up. But afterwards I can sneak down the back stairs and meet you in the car park.”
* * *
The squire Igg served faithfully, but had one flaw: constantly, his carelessness would result in fires. One night, he accidentally set Sir Alfred’s tent ablaze, causing it to burn to the ground. As soldiers carried their leader’s scorched body from the ruins, they asked what should be done about Igg.
Sir Alfred heroically fought back the pain of his impending death and thought about Igg’s years of selfless service. Then he remembered the lad’s fondest wish.
“Igg...” he stammered out in his final breath, “...knighted.”
* * *
911 caller: “My arm’s been broken in three places. What should I do?”
911 operator: “Well, for starters, stay away from those places.”
* * *
The Democratic reaction to Trump’s presidency is much like a bikini: nobody’s sure what keeps it in place, but everyone hopes for failure.[/FONT]
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]Doctor: “Are you and your wife sexually active?”
Patient: “Well, I am. My wife usually just lies there daydreaming or watching the TV.”
* * *
She: “You think you’re so clever! Well, you aren’t if you can’t multitask.”
He: “Who says I can’t! I’m able to have sex with you and think of your sister at the same time.”
* * *
I wanted to marry my English teacher once she got out of jail, but she turned me down. She didn’t think it would be proper to end a sentence with a proposition.
* * *
When members of a lion pride jump on top of their prey to force it to the ground, does that still qualify as a dog pile?
* * *
Our trampoline died yesterday... RIP.
* * *
Trampolines used to be called jumpolines. Then my sister started using one...
* * *
Bakeries in the USSR must have been outstanding! It’s well known that customers would line up for weeks, just for a single slice of bread!
* * *
The local bar is 10 minutes from my house. However, my house is 2 hours from the bar.
* * *
Patient: “Doc, every time I drink coffee, I get a stabbing pain in my right eye.”
Doctor: “I think I see the problem, Mr. Smith... next time, try taking the spoon out of the cup.”
* * *
Thieves recently broke into a local theater building. What show-offs... they stole the spotlight.
* * *
I must be Superman! I just stumbled and fell to the ground, but was able to get right back up again. That means I was hit by a whole planet and survived!
* * *
Caesar: “Here are my plans for Roman expansion.”
Roman general: “I don’t understand these instructions. They’re all over the map.”
* * *
“These fish smell mighty bad.”
“ ‘Course they do! They got no noses.”
* * *
The Japanese have really taken to American culture. Small wonder... early US imports blew everyone away.
* * *
Hank Hill must have been a sadist. Why else would he promote pro pain and pro pain accessories?
* * *
Last July, an iceberg floated into San Francisco Bay and headed straight toward the Golden Gate. Authorities thought there might be a collision, but we needn’t worry about it now... it’s just water under the bridge.
* * *
My girlfriend likes it doggie style. She’s into ruff sex.
* * *
Lead actors from productions of “Charley’s Aunt” all across the country have agreed to participate in a big marathon for charity. It’ll be a drag race.
* * *
The next Macy’s Day Parade is gonna be a disaster; they plan on marching to pop tunes.
* * *
Storks may bring babies, but a swallow never will.
* * *
In olden days Germany was governed by a king, so everyone called it a kingdom. During WW II Hitler thought of himself as emperor, so it was called an empire. Today, it’s just considered a country.
* * *
The current First Lady is a beautiful woman with a perfect bust. Unfortunately, she also has a extremely large ass; but enough about Donald...[/FONT]
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?
To get to the same side.
* * *
Know how unpopular I was as a child? I couldn’t even get my mother to show up for my birth!
* * *
Son: “Dad, can you build me a treehouse?”
Dad: “I should say not! That would be too cruel.”
Son: “How is building a treehouse cruel?”
Dad: “Would you like it if I chopped up one of your family and made you hold the pieces?”
* * *
I built a mechanical frog in metal shop. It was a near-perfect copy, but not perfect enough: all I could get it to say was “Rivet! Rivet!”
* * *
Two nuns are walking down a dark street, when a pair of thugs spring from an alley and start to rape them. One of the nuns looks toward Heaven and proclaims, “Forgive them Lord, for they know not what they do!”
The second nun stares at her companion and counters, “Speak for yourself. This one does.”
* * *
Our town’s old mohel would often arrive drunk. I told him he better straighten up if he wanted to keep his job, but it finally happened... he got the sack.
* * *
A man exits his house just in time to see a letter carrier approach.
“Hey Mac!” he calls out,
“Whadda you mean ‘Mac’?” growls the postwoman indignantly. “Can’t you see I’m a lady?”
“Sorry,” the man apologizes. “I was expecting male.”
* * *
If I had a dollar for every time my wife says, “I wish I could take off this weight!”, I’d have enough cash to buy another of those treadmills she never uses.
* * *
Everyone complains about waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay. I can’t understand why... I’ve never heard that the surf is particularly gnarly down there.
* * *
Warships are all metal these days, but I’ll bet there’s one part that’s still made out of wood: the captain’s log.
* * *
“So you’re into blindfolded archery, huh?”
“Yeah, you should try it! You don’t know what you’re missing!”
* * *
I’d rather be Tiger Woods than Princess Diana. He has a better driver.
* * *
What do bone-eating hyenas say when they’re eager to get high?
“Marrow wanna!”
* * *
It takes three US citizens to do most jobs. That’s why I hire from south of the border; it only takes Juan.
* * *
Waitress: “You all done eating?”
Diner: “Yeah, that’s all I can hold tonight.”
Waitress: “Wanna box for the leftovers.”
Diner: “Not really. I’ll wrestle you, though.”
* * *
I wish I could make a lot more money. Unfortunately, I’ve run out of printer ink.
* * *
“My pet python is getting huge!”
“Really? How many feet?”
“None! It’s a snake, stupid!”
* * *
I can’t keep my neighbor’s dairy cows away from my marijuana crop. It’s the pot calling the cattle back.
* * *
The math club at our town high school has challenged math clubs from several rival schools to a big contest. They’re considered equally matched because each club has exactly 16 members apiece. Man, what a bunch of squares!
* * *
Guess what? Today I learned that piranhas can strip all the flesh from a human skeleton in under 10 minutes! In related news, I’ve been fired from my job at the aquarium.
* * *
There’s only one thing worse than getting an erection in gym class and everybody noticing... getting an erection in gym class and nobody noticing.
* * *
Marriage is one big card game: it opens with two hearts and a diamond, but after awhile you’re stuck with nothing but a club and a spade.[/FONT]
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]He: “Hey, this bed is too short! Why don’t you join me?”
She: “How on earth would that help?”
He: “It’ll add another two feet.”
* * *
My dad, Edgar Bergen, loved me so much he’d take on his knee, even when I was a teenager. It was so humiliating... I’ve never felt like more of a dummy.
* * *
Adult beavers build dams. Beaver pups are only allowed to build darns.
* * *
I have a lion and a witch in my wardrobe. Why? Narnia business.
* * *
The difference between a horse and a gorilla? The gorilla sells the glue.
* * *
The MacDonald’s Big Mac will always have a special place in my heart. In fact, I have a plaque dedicated to it.
* * *
Arkansas is considering a new state motto: “We’re just one big happy family!”
* * *
My blonde sister must have attempted suicide. I see there’s a bullet hole in the mirror.
* * *
Why can’t elephants spit?
They can. They’re just too polite to do it in public.
* * *
The southern states are planning to ban participation awards. They’ve started by pulling down all the Confederate statues.
* * *
Daughter: “Mom’s pissed. She says you never buy her jewelry.”
Dad: “I’m afraid that’s too true. But in my defense, I had no idea she even sold jewelry.”
* * *
I just signed up for a course called Women’s Studies. Sounds great; I always wanted to study abroad.
* * *
U-2’s lawyer went broke. That’s what he gets for doing so much pro-Bono work.
* * *
My pet woodchuck is so old, he doesn’t do much of anything anymore. He’s more of a won’t-chuck.
* * *
I got myself a new, younger woodchuck, but he contracted stomach flu. He’s become an up-chuck.
* * *
He: “Hey, I just heard that the world’s about to end. We only got ten minutes... how about we have sex?”
She: “Sounds great! We can do it ten times!”
* * *
I was camped high on the slopes of Mount Everest, when some practical joker cut the the guylines on my tent. It was all downhill from there.
* * *
A Mexican exchange student ended up pregnant. Her teacher told her she had to do an essay.
* * *
My dad’s the best at hide-and-seek! He’s been at it for twenty years.
* * *
Robin Williams didn’t truly kill himself; he became a vampire instead. I’ve actually spotted him at late-night comedy clubs, cornering patrons and going for the jocular.
* * *
The children’s book “Green Eggs and Ham” has a valuable lesson to teach. That being: if someone really annoying pesters you to eat spoiled food, you should definitely do it.
* * *
“My wife and I just had twins! We called the first baby Laurel, after her grandmother, but we’re having trouble coming up with a good name for the second.”
“How about Yanni? That’s awfully pretty sounding.”
“Don’t be silly! We can’t have two kids with the exact same name!”[/FONT]
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]My workplace tried to make me sign a contract which exempts them from responsibility if the job drives me crazy. I refused, of course... even kids understand there is no sanity clause.
* * *
It’s considered bad form to wish a stage actor good luck. Instead, you’re supposed to say “Break a leg.” Odd tradition; dunno how it started. I suppose it’s because every play must have a cast.
* * *
“I went out last night for some fun and wound up face down in the gutter.”
“Wow... that has to be a new low for you.”
“Oh, it was. I didn’t score a single pin in that frame.”
* * *
I got myself a bad sunburn yesterday and took some Viagra for it last night. It didn’t soothe the pain, but it did help keep the sheets off my legs.
* * *
“I want to be a millionaire, just like my dad.”
“Your dad’s a millionaire?”
“No, but he always wanted to be.”
* * *
Ed Gein kept his house on the cool side. He didn’t want the furniture to start sweating.
* * *
My neighbor took his Great Dane, Duke, to the vets for evaluation; they told him he was far too fat. The dog’s weight was just fine, though.
* * *
Native chief: “If I knew nothing of your God and broke his commandments, would I be damned when I die?”
Missionary: “No. Not if you knew nothing about God.”
Chief: “Then why the hell did you tell me!”
* * *
Some guy advertised a life-sized statue of one of Marvel’s Avengers for only 100 bucks, so I bought it. Joke’s on me... it was Ant Man.
* * *
“If you ever pay us a visit, be sure to check out our historic cemetery.”
“How will I find it?”
“It’s the dead center of town.”
* * *
Technically, it should be “communism”, not “Communism”. The system was never meant to be capitalized.
* * *
My sister told me she’s been considering a sex change operation. Hey, anything that makes her happy... I told her to go nuts.
* * *
A new book has come out, all about brewing practices. It’s quite a novelty.
* * *
“Mr. Smith, I’m sorry to have to tell you that your wife’s in the hospital.”
“That so? How is she?”
“Critical.”
“What the hell’s she griping about now?”
* * *
I just attended that “Fifty Shades” movie; I left it with tears in my eyes. Fortunately, I didn’t succeed in tearing them out completely.
* * *
“Do you really have to eat with your knife?”
“Hey, lots of people eat with their knives.”
“Not during surgery!”
* * *
Box office for the new Star Wars movie has thus far been disappointing. In fact, I’ve never seen it So Lo.
* * *
A maniac is going around punching women in the belly. Only the belly; evidently he hates their guts.
* * *
After thinking it over, I’ve decided to have spine removal surgery. The damn thing’s only holding me back.
* * *
She (after oral sex): “Thank god that’s over. Geesh... you guys all think with your dicks.”
He: “Really? You just blew my mind!”
* * *
I want to post a joke about the restaurant workers who collided, but I can’t... the servers crashed.
* * *
Liberace may have been great at the piano, but he sucked at the organ.
* * *
People say I’m too paranoid. Well, they don’t actually say it... but I know what they’re thinking![/FONT]
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]Bats are the thriftiest of animals. Despite their high overhead, they still make frequent deposits.
* * *
My girlfriend weighs 400 pounds. No matter where I go, she’s always there for me.
* * *
“Mom, does my baby sitter come apart?”
“ ‘Come apart’? Whatever do you mean, dear?”
“ I heard Daddy say he’s gonna screw her ass off.”
* * *
I asked my doctor if it was a good idea to pee in small amounts so that my bladder didn’t get strained. But he advised against that... told me to save for a rainy day.
* * *
Patient: “How much will it cost to get a tooth extracted?”
Dentist: “Two hundred dollars.”
Patient: “Two hundred dollars?!! For only 10 minutes work?”
Dentist: “I can make it last longer if you want.”
* * *
What a nasty double-standard! When a guy sleeps with a lot of different girls, he’s a stud. But when a girl sleeps with a lot of different guys... I never manage to be one of them!
* * *
I once choked for so long, I achieved my dream of being recognized by the Guinness Book of World Records. It was my greatest aspiration.
* * *
It’s a mistake to let dogs become too educated. Don’t allow any of them to receive a bachelors degree; after that, they go after their masters.
* * *
Conversation at the zoo:
Alligator: “You said you’d meet me at sundown! Where the hell were you?”
Giraffe: “Hey, it isn’t my fault you can’t see the horizon, shortie!”
* * *
My math teacher arrived 8 minutes late for his lecture on Monday. On Tuesday, he was 4 minutes late. The day after that, he was two minutes late. At this rate, he’ll never get to class on time.
* * *
She: “Did you just fart?”
He: “No. I certainly did not.”
She: “Well I smell something. Are you sure you didn’t just fart?”
He: “No, I didn’t just fart. I also shit a little.”
* * *
Our local butcher just can’t keep his mind off work. Even when he introduces his fiancé, he says, “Meat patty.”
* * *
Some proctologists have trouble staying employed. It’s tough for them to find an opening.
* * *
There’s some question as to whether or not photons have mass. It’s a non-issue for me; I don’t care one way or the other if they’re Catholic.
* * *
How can you tell that a dyslexic person has passed away?
The ghost haunting you goes “oooooob!”
* * *
In the ‘60s, nations competed against each other to be first to reach the moon. In retrospect, it’s hard to see why everyone was so eager to get there... it has a dark side.
* * *
Son: “Dad, can I be anything I want when I grow up?”
Dad: “My boy, the sky’s the limit!”
Son: “Awww nuts! I wanted to be an astronaut!”
* * *
High school days were a really unpleasant period of my life. I was bullied constantly, sworn at, even beaten up. God, I couldn’t wait to get to class and away from Mom!
* * *
Most jokes are pretty funny, just as long as no one gets offended. Then they’re downright hilarious.
* * *
“So, you say your dog has fleas?”
“Yeah. He runs away from just about everything.
* * *
“There’s nothing like making friends,” that’s my motto! You should see me operate at parties... it’s nothing like making friends.
* * *
A terminally ill man is lying on his sickbed, when from the kitchen downstairs wafts the odor of fresh baked cookies. Knowing that this favorite dessert might be his final meal, he struggles onto the floor and crawls slowly toward the steps. Despite his pain and fatigue, that intoxicating aroma drives him on. After 15 minutes of grueling struggle, he manages to reach the oven. Up top is a whole tray, cooling. With trembling fingers, he gropes to claim the cherished treat. Then... unexpectedly... he hears the voice of his wife behind him.
“Now you leave those alone!” she scolds. “They’re for the funeral!”[/FONT]
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]It has four fingers and a thumb, but isn’t your hand. What is it?
My hand.
* * *
Employee: “We gotta lock the door, quick!”
Shop owner: “How come?”
Employee: “A big bull just got loose from his pen and he’s charging!”
Shop owner: “Don’t lock up. Just insist he pay cash like everyone else.”
* * *
Christopher Reeve was a famous actor. I’m sure he was quite happy with his success. Later in life, however, he probably wished he was Christopher Walken.
* * *
“My mom always called me the brightest star in the sky!”
“Are you Sirius?”
* * *
My kids griped that they had nothing to do, so I sat them all down at the table to play a rousing game of Monopoly. I’ve become chairman of the bored.
* * *
A 99 year old lothario enters a saloon and sidles up to a gorgeous lady at the bar.
“So tell me,” he purrs to her seductively, “Do I come here often?”
* * *
Which athletes are the skinniest?
Sprinters. They fast.
* * *
Socially, I’m the Titanic... I can’t break the ice.
* * *
If Shenia Twain had any sense of humor, she’d name her second child Two-Two.
* * *
Inventor: “Look at this! I just built a robot prostitute with a computer brain!”
Investor: “Great. Just what the world needs... another fucking know-it-all.”
* * *
Abraham Van Helsing was an expert vampire hunter. He tracked down and destroyed several noblemen who had become bloodsuckers. Unfortunately, the law considered it murder; he was arrested and charged for violations on multiple counts.
* * *
The Hitler Diaries came out in the ‘80s. They were supposed to have been written by Adolf Hitler, but in reality they were a fraud. I’ve read them; they have their prose and cons.
* * *
A soldier in the fly army sees a fresh pile of poo in the toilet. As he lands to eat, he notices a fellow fly soldier up on the wall.
“He corporal,” he calls out, “come join me.”
“I don’t think so,” the corporal replies. “I’m off doody.”
* * *
The halberd was a the weapon of choice in northern France. They used to be crazy about Brittany spears.
* * *
Alien warlords on a planet 1,000 lightyears away are celebrating the imminent destruction of Earth with their world-destroying laser beam. They fired it 999.9 years ago.
* * *
My bicycle puns don’t amuse anyone, but this unicycle one wheel.
* * *
Mom: “I’m ashamed of you, fighting with the neighbor boy!”
Son: “He started it! He threw a rock at me, so I threw one back!”
Mom: “That’s no excuse. If he throws a rock at you, come to me.”
Son: “What’s the point of that? I got a lot better aim than you do.”
* * *
The demon Pazuzu wouldn’t let loose of Regan. He was awfully possessive.
* * *
Hear about the blonde who tried vainly to climb over a glass wall? She wanted to see what was on the other side.
* * *
My brother just won’t accept that I’m a nudist. He’s very clothes minded.
* * *
This is the most ecologically sensitive collection of jokes imaginable; 100% recycled material.
* * *
A man took his shrewish wife to a restaurant. After 40 minutes of her bullying and badgering, he called the waiter over for the bill.
“Well, dummy,” she chided, “give him a tip!”
Wearily, the husband replied, “Son... don’t ever get married.”[/FONT]
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]When I was 10, my dad wanted to have a frank discussion with me about sex. I put him off, though... told him that we should just stay good friends.
* * *
Islamic states don’t seem to respect women, but that evidently doesn’t apply to mothers who go online. I’ve been told that E-moms are held in high regard.
* * *
Grammar rules state “I before E, except after C”. But society says otherwise.
* * *
I didn’t care much for that documentary about stroke survivors. It’s too one-sided.
* * *
Brunette: “I just saw your car in the middle of the street. Doesn’t it run?”
Blonde: “Of course not, dummy! It has wheels, not legs!”
* * *
My sister called me yesterday. She wanted to know how to get wine out of her carpet. I told her not to bother... all wineries get theirs out of grapes.
* * *
Job interviewer: “What would you consider to be your biggest flaw?”
Job seeker: “Well, my friends all tell me I’m too honest.”
Job interviewer: “Hmmm... that really doesn’t sound like much of a flaw.”
Job seeker: “I don’t give a fuck about your opinion!”
* * *
I’m having a difficult time deleting any of my old emails... too many attachments.
* * *
Italians don’t like Jehovah’s Witnesses. Italians don’t like any witnesses.
* * *
I’d like to take advantage of preventive medicine, but the hospital makes me jump through too many hoops. What a ridiculous way to stay in shape!
* * *
Pilot: “The plane’s going down! We’re done for!”
Psychiatrist: “It can’t! I’m too Jung to die!”
* * *
My cousin is afraid that vandals will someday paint his house red, yellow and blue. It’s his primary concern.
* * *
If you like good humor, never go to that optometrist. He’s too fond of eyeball puns, each one cornea than the last.
* * *
My uncle never told me the truth in all his life, and just because he’s dead now doesn’t change things. He’s lying still.
* * *
Our town’s local priest has just written a religious pamphlet. He made a big mistake with the title, though: “Ministers Do More Than Lay People”.
* * *
“I just got my costume for Mardi Gras! Bet you’ve never seen one like this... I’m dressing up as a harp!”
“Nah. You’re way too small to be a harp.”
“Are you calling me a lyre?”
* * *
Germany is inhospitable to tourists! My brother Kyle and I visited Berlin recently; when we got to the Brandenburg Gate, I shouted out “See, Kyle!” And the damn cops arrested us for no reason!
* * *
How can you tell you’re watching a porno western?
It’s all the good guys who are hung.
* * *
I asked my family doctor if it was a good idea to stop masterbating. Unfortunately, he wouldn’t.
* * *
Brunette: “My poor puppy! He was chasing a car yesterday, when it made a sudden turn. His tail was cut clean off!”
Blonde: “Don’t worry about it. You can always take him to a retail store.”
* * *
I built a robot prostitute out of vacuum cleaner parts. I’ll never find a buyer for it, though... it sucks hard.
* * *
She: “I’ll never comprehend the double standard! If a guy sleeps with many women, he’s s stud. But if a girl sleeps with a lot of guys, she’s cheap.”
He: “Think of it this way: a key that opens many locks is a Master Key. But a lock that can be opened by many keys?... work it out for yourself.”[/FONT]
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]An embarrassing incident took place on the bus this morning... a drunk woman stripped off all her clothes and started gyrating wildly. Some guys were so disconcerted, they got off right there.
* * *
Various websites say it’s perfectly all right to let your pets sleep with you on your bed, so I tried it for myself. Fucking internet! My goldfish died that very night!
My chimney recently quit smoking. It’s developed hearth trouble.
* * *
Mary opened up an Asian restaurant, but several of her patrons became sick. She’s now known as Thai Food Mary.
* * *
I saw a homeless woman wheeling away a shopping cart, but the only thing inside it were a few horse shoes and rabbits’ feet. If you ask me, she was pushing her luck.
* * *
Earthquakes are the funniest natural disaster. They crack everyone up.
* * *
My wife gripes that my stew is way too watery and salty. Damn it, I put my blood and sweat into that meal!
* * *
Cow #1: “I was artificially inseminated today.”
Cow #2: “Artificially inseminated? I don’t believe you!”
Cow #1: “It’s absolutely true! No bull!”
* * *
What’s the easiest way to tell an alligator from a crocodile?
One will see you later; the other will see you after awhile.
* * *
Trump has had to let another member of his cabinet go, this time for smoking weed and masterbating on the job. Details are still sketchy, but this one’s described as “a high wanking official”.
* * *
I’m not prejudiced... I like and respect all races. Except for marathons, that is... too many Africans.
* * *
Are you in retail? You ought to consider selling podiums! It’s a product you’ll have no problem standing behind!
* * *
Stay away from that oak tree. It looks kinda shady.
* * *
My roommate’s stealing my beer. I didn’t see him do it, but there was a full six-pack in the fridge last night and only two this morning. It’s a four-gone conclusion.
* * *
“Nice to meet you, friend! What do I call you?”
“You can call me Alpheus.”
“Alpheus! Now there’s a name you don’t hear every day!”
“Actually, I do.”
* * *
That pimp used to be a gardener. He’s had plenty of experience putting hoes in beds.
* * *
I used to be an advocate for necrophilia, bestiality and sadism, but finally gave it up. After awhile it became all too clear I was beating a dead horse.
* * *
M is for Monday. T is for Tuesday. That’s plenty; the rest of the work week is WTF.
* * *
Noah’s son was none too bright; he couldn’t understand why his dad didn’t build an aquarium into the ark to save all the fish.
* * *
Pornography’s almost always frowned upon. That’s what happens when you concentrate hard.
* * *
“In my eyes, gay sex is a sin!”
“Small wonder! If you’re getting it in the eyes, you’re doing it all wrong!”[/FONT]
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]My doctor just gave me a prostate exam. Usually I don’t mind, but this time he had both hands on my shoulder.
* * *
Tolkien had an idea for a follow-up novel to Lord of the Rings. It concerned a troubadour from Rivendell who becomes so popular, his fans crown him king. His name: Elvish Presley.
* * *
I bought my daughter a few stuffed animals for her 5th birthday. I thought she’d be charmed, but instead she burst into tears. So did the taxidermist when he found out.
* * *
My password just got hacked again. Third damn time I’ve had to rename my cat!
* * *
Teacher: “Little Mario, can you use the word ‘specimen’ in a sentence please?”
Mario: “Why’a sure! ‘The specimen, he go to the moon!’ “
* * *
I just noticed my ex at the other end of the museum hall. I don’t plan to approach her, though; too much history between us.
* * *
I take several college courses with a really cute co-ed. We both go to Physics, Mathematics and Astronomy class together. Even so, I don’t think we have much of a future... no Chemistry.
* * *
She: “You wanna have sex with me or not? You don’t appear to be turned on at all.”
He: “Please! It’s harder than it looks!”
* * *
I called the Sanitation Department to treat my constipation... I figured they had plenty of experience opening man holes.
* * *
My daughter gave me a scare... she led me to believe that she intended to become a prize fighter. Instead, she’s taking a hair dressing course; but what else could I think when she told me she was learning to bob and weave?
* * *
Football’s an odd sport. In North America, it’s a game of inches; everywhere else, it’s a game of feet.
* * *
I subscribed to an X-rated multiplayer video-game, but it’s more expensive than I thought. Seems it doesn’t work at all until you get an expansion pack.
* * *
I won a small fortune at the casino. Unfortunately, I went in with a large fortune.
* * *
Being a launderer for the Army isn’t easy. There’s a 75% washout rate
* * *
Damn coyotes! They really know how to get my goat!
* * *
I have a habit of yelling out my wife’s name during sex. I try to do it over the phone so she can share the experience.
* * *
A bunch of racist hens and doves have started their own hate group. They call themselves the Coo Clucks Clan.
* * *
My brother wants to go to MIT so he can learn how to carbonate beverages. He’s eager to become a fizzicist.
* * *
An ion wanders into a saloon and says to the bartender, “I was in here a while ago and lost one of my electrons. Mind if I look around?”
The barman is worried.
“An electron?” he asks nervously. “Are you sure it’s still safe in here?”
“Oh yeah,” reassures the ion. “I’m positive.”
* * *
I was taught only 25 of the alphabet’s letters in grade school. No one told me Y.
* * *
My grandpa had some sage advice for me before he passed: “Go long, then cut to midfield.”
* * *
Hitchhiker: “Thanks for stopping, mister... I’ve been on this road for hours.”
Driver: “No problem, stranger! I always pick up hitchhikers.”
Hitchhiker: “Well, that’s darned trusting of you. For all you know... I could be a serial killer.”
Driver: “Now what’re the odds of there being two serial killers in the same car!”[/FONT]
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]This last Father’s Day, I wrote a piece of music expressly for my dad. The perfect gift... he really enjoys pop tunes.
* * *
My wife would complain that my chess games go on too long... lately I’ve been able to keep them in check.
* * *
When the Lone Ranger interviewed for horses, the first applicant was completely unacceptable, so anorexic you could actually count his ribs. That’s when the masked lawman first used his famous phrase: “Hiyo Sliver, away!”
* * *
Before I married, I used to wake up grumpy. These days, I just let her sleep in.
* * *
Paul Gauguin became so ill he was frequently a drooling, slobbering mess. Still, no one could fault him for the accuracy of his portraiture; one patron described it as “the spitting image”.
* * *
Businessmen say time is money. Well, I don’t buy that for a second!
* * *
My young son developed strawberry marks, so I took him to the hospital. The doctor gave me some cream for them.
* * *
Which of these isn’t like the others: Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, Bill Cosby and the Tooth Fairy?
The Easter Bunny. The rest don’t come until you’re sleeping.
* * *
Is my wife a sadist? Hmmm... beats me.
* * *
Teacher: “Just look at this! You spelled the country ‘Ytaly’ instead of ‘Italy’! I want you to change the capital right now!”
Student: “Hey, if Rome’s good enough for them, it’s good enough for me.”
* * *
I can manage to launder the contents of my wardrobe, but when it comes to my bathroom I throw in the towel.
* * *
Foreign aid: the practice of taking money from poor people in rich countries and giving it to rich people in poor countries.
* * *
My wife’s murder?... I’ve found it really hard to come to terms. Fortunately, I’ve finally found a hitman whose price is more reasonable.
* * *
“So, how was sex with your boyfriend last night?”
“Magical!”
“Really?”
“Must have been. Right afterward, he disappeared.”
* * *
My son just attended a gay orgy with my unwitting permission. When I asked what he had in mind, he told me “Swap meat”.
* * *
“People call me a Grammar Nazi, but it’s important to make sure words are used properly. I’m doing real good for everyone!”
“Don’t you mean ‘really well’?”
* * *
I got myself some matzah directly from Tel Aviv! You’d like it; Israeli good!
* * *
A mime started to brawl with a heckler. His left arm was broken before police arrived, but he still has the right to remain silent.
* * *
I’d tell a joke about my bad carpentry if I thought it woodwork.
* * *
Authorities are keeping ducks out of Flint,
Michigan. They turn the waterfowl.
* * *
I thought that documentary series about kamikazes would be successful. Unfortunately, it didn’t get past the pilot episode.
* * *
Redhead: “You need to become more politically active! Don’t you care at all about Roe vs. Wade?”
Blonde: “Why should I? It hasn’t flooded here in years!”[/FONT]
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]What a woman want most is security. That’s what she yells for, anyway, each time I approach one in a club.
* * *
Hear about the soldier who got a court martial from his Arctic post for peeing in the snow? His commanding officer took one look at the yellow stripe and accused him of coward ice.
* * *
My mother had me deliver invitations to my brother’s surprise birthday party. That’s when I found out which of us was the favorite twin.
* * *
Those who do not learn history are doomed to repeat it. Those who learn too much history are doomed to repeat it as a profession.
* * *
My doctor informed my that my hair’s infested with parasites. It made me feel lousy.
* * *
Brunette: “Wow! How’d you get so many bruises?”
Blonde: “It’s all my boyfriend’s fault! He saw me cracking walnuts with my cellphone and told me to use my head!”
* * *
I was supposed to attend Philosophy class; despite my guilty conscience, I went to a comedy club instead. I laughed more than I thought.
* * *
“Folks hereabout tell me that you’re 80 years old and still reside in the little farm house wherever you were born. Tell me, have you really lived here your whole life?”
“Not yet.”
* * *
There’s no stopping my wife’s constant yammering advice; it goes in one in ear and right out the other.
* * *
The Irish must be facing a frightening level of overpopulation. I hear their capital city is doublin’.
* * *
Richard III was in no condition to win the Battle of Bosworth Field... too many restless knights.
* * *
I just bought a really nice twelve year old Scotch. Now I’m afraid she’s gonna blab about it to her parents.
* * *
“Hi there! I’m here for the free Eve testing!”
“Sir... the sign outside says ‘Free Eye Testing’.”
“You sure? It doesn’t look that way.”
* * *
Don’t sweat the petty stuff... pet the sweaty stuff.
* * *
I got PTSD from my job at Old Navy... saw too many casual tees.
* * *
Jihadists typically attend rallies wearing suicide vests. They’re eager to blend into the crowd.
* * *
What’s the difference between snowmen and snow-women?
Where to stick the carrot.
* * *
My girlfriend and I were playing a game of chess when she said to me, “Say... you want to make this interesting?”
“You bet!” I enthusiastically replied.
So we quit playing and went to a movie.
* * *
It’s rumored that pirate captain Blackbeard died from a coronary. His final words to his first mate were, “Arrr, me hearty!”
* * *
My mom always makes Eggs Benedict for Christmas breakfast. I’m going home for the hollandaise.
* * *
Russia is having wide success with a weapon first used by the US in Vietnam: Agent Orange.
* * *
Blond guy: “Got any condoms? I’m heading down to John Deere.”
Brunette guy: “John Deere? What for? You’re no farmer! And why would you need a condom?”
Blond guy: “It’s my uncle’s advice. When I asked him how to get a cute girl hot for me, he said I should do something sexy to a tractor.”[/FONT]
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]Three unwritten rules for having a long, happy marriage:
1.
2.
3.
* * *
I just nailed the boss’s daughter. Most guys would get fired for that, but I don’t have to worry... I’m self employed.
* * *
There’s only one “B” word that should ever be applied to a woman: “Beautiful”. Bitches really go for that kind of thing.
* * *
I’ve been dating an English teacher and she isn’t at all happy about my grammatical approach to sex: each time a period is indicated, I insist on using a colon.
* * *
Doctor: “Don’t worry, you aren’t going deaf. You only have a mild case of Onomatopoeia Syndrome.”
Patient: “Onomatopoeia Syndrome? What the heck is that?”
Doctor: “Exactly what it sounds like.”
* * *
People who address their mirror reflections aren’t insane; they actually have genius level intellects. At least that’s what I keep telling myself.
* * *
My wife is grossly overweight. During her last pregnancy, the obstetrician couldn’t give her an ultrasound... he had to use a seismograph.
* * *
Math teacher: “A rich man dies, leaving a 10 million dollars legacy. His wife receives one fifth of his estate; his son receives one fifth; his mistress receives one sixth; the rest is left to charity. Now, what does each heir get?”
Student: “That’s easy! A lawyer.”
* * *
The manufacturing of an Elmo doll is a laborious, thorough process. The final stage of construction? Two test tickles.
* * *
My next door neighbors have starred in a sex video. I just hope they never find out about it.
* * *
Every ship in the North Korean navy has a glass bottom. That’s so they can keep track of the North Korean Air Force.
* * *
I accidentally broke Snell’s law of light refraction. Hope I’m not going to prism.
* * *
She: “We’ve been having sex for five years now! Are we ever going to get married?”
He: “Absolutely! I plan to anyway, once I find a gal with plenty of money.”
* * *
Ever hear a cat go “woof”? Well, you’ve obviously never set one on fire.
* * *
Onboard the Titanic, first class passengers were served roast beef, grilled mutton and Chicken a la Maryland. Third class passengers, however, had to be satisfied with boiled potatoes and rice. It was a recipe for disaster.
* * *
In ancient Athens, a citizen enters a tailor’s shop with a pair of torn tunics. The tailor looks up from his work and is startled to see that it’s the city’s most important playwright.
“Euripides?!” he timidly inquires.
“Of course,” replies the great man. “That’s why I need them mended.”
* * *
My son has just been accepted at the Mayo Clinic. I’m so proud! I always wanted him to have a culinary career!
* * *
Women defy the law of gravity: the heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.
* * *
“How do you spell ‘dark’... with a ‘c’ or with a ‘k’?”
“With a ‘k’, of course. You can’t ‘c’ in the ‘dark’.”
* * *
My brother needs to stop stuttering. He went to the store for a Mars Bar and came back with 50 packs of M&Ms.
* * *
Tyrannosaurus Rex... T-Rex... Tyrant King... this apex dino predator goes by many names. It belongs to the order Thesaurus.
* * *
“Here’s a picture of my new girlfriend! Isn’t she stunning?”
