Official TT Jokes Thread - Read and Post your Jokes Here!

[Low_Roads]

Dracula's health is beginning to suffer. I can tell by his coffin.

Ammunition dealers are now carrying a shotgun shell that can kill two deer at the same time. It gives you more buck for your bang.

I deeply admire the Earth's rotation. It really makes my day!

The local Irish gangster is reputed to be bulletproof. I believe his name is Rick O'Shea.

I wonder if O. J. Simpson will ever marry again... I'm sure he'd like to take another stab at it.

My neighbor came into a lot of money. He's up on morals charges and they'll never let him anywhere near that bank again.

Statistics say that every 15 minutes of every day, a man gets shot. He damned well outta be dead by now!

Even at non-costume parties, I show up dressed as deer, moose, bear, even grouse! I'm game for anything!

My dog must be an alcoholic. He can't hold his licker.

That psychic is the fattest woman I've ever seen. Must be a 4-chin teller.

Yesterday I killed a man with a sheet of sandpaper. I only intended to rough him up.

Buying cardboard boxes through the mail is a super deal! You always get one more than you pay for!

How many couples does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Only one... but it has to be a damn big bulb.

Chemically speaking, would it be appropriate to call Iron Man a fe-male?

Evidentially, a Scotsman didn't survive his trip to the men's store. I hear he got kilt.

Last winter, I made three snow angels. Damned icy intersections...

Batman can stay at his Bat-computers all day long. But he does occasionally need Bat-room breaks.

In cold climes, farmers are starting to cover baby sheep with plastic sheets to keep them warm. They're calling the process Lambination.

I try my best to be a considerate husband. Each night, I run a tub full of hot water for my wife and make sure it's rich with frothy bubbles. Makes it that much easier for her to do the dishes.

I named my son Golf, after my favorite pastime. You'd think it would irritate him, but he's a really good sport.

I'll cure blindness yet! You'll see!

I never used to give a shit, but I've become more ambitious. Now I don't give two shits.

 

[Low_Roads]

Joshua asked Moses if he'd like a last meal before Pharaoh's chariots closed in.

"No thanks," replied Moses. "I'll just halve water."

* * *​

I've heard about a four man rock group that neither plays nor sings. It's called Mount Rushmore.

* * *​

Some jokes are mom-and-pop jokes, some aren't. You won't know which is which until the punchline becomes apparent.

* * *​

My girlfriend doesn't trust me. According to her diary, I'm too damned nosy.

* * *​

I asked my brother to hold onto my humor book, but he refused. The little punk never could take a joke.

* * *​

My girlfriend may think she's saintly, but she's certainly no Jesus. Jesus never asked for a dime when he was being nailed.

* * *​

There's a cannibal tribe in the Amazon that eats nothing but women. Its members are confirmed vagitarians.

* * *​

I buy all my pistols from a biker called T-Rex. He's a small arms dealer.

* * *​

Mugger: Hand over your wallet, or you're math!

Victim: "Math"?! Don't you mean "history"?

Mugger: Don't try to change the subject!

* * *​

In my spare time, I like to join girders together. It's a riveting hobby.

* * *​

It's a common mistake, when transcribing official documents, to type "Part A" backwards. So, watch out! It's a trap!

* * *​

Turns out I'm 12 feet taller than my Grandpa! 'Course, he was buried last year.

* * *​

I heard about a shady clown who once made a balloon animal out of condoms. It was a Trojan horse.

* * *​

Q: Who led the Israelites through the semi-permeable membrane?

A: Osmoses.

* * *​

There aren't many shopping options since the Target store burned down. Nothing left but Kohl's.

* * *​

Only one kind of cheese is made backwards: Edam.

* * *​

A Roman senator walks into a bar and holds up two fingers.

"Five beers, please."

* * *​

The Pillsbury mascot Poppin' Fresh was found dead, but nobody recognized him. They had to mark him down as a John Dough.

* * *​

The carpentry union is pretty demanding. I understand you have to submit a stool sample.

* * *​

Jesus walks into a bar.

"Hey, hippy," smirks the bartender, "this is a high-class joint! Hope you got money... wine starts at ten dollars!"

"That so?" replies Jesus. "I'll just have a glass of water, then."

 

[Low_Roads]

Enlisted men are always exhausted in April... which is to be expected after a 31 day March.

Our zoo actually holds a specimen of unicorn. Unfortunately, its horn has been amputated... it's now just a eunuch.

I finally got a photo of a Sasquatch! No small feat!

A Mafia Don employs me to clean his apartment. Guess you could say I'm a maid man.

I plan to retire at 30. Or sooner, if Uniroyal gives me a lower service number.

The guy who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died last week. His burial was a fiasco... first, they put his right foot in...

I got ahold of some bad alphabet soup. My next bowel movement is liable to spell trouble.

If you want to kill a carnival, go for the juggler.

I once accidentally sent a nude photo of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost a small fortune in stamps.

A bulimic lady in the next apartment was making so much noise I had to pound on her door and insist that she keep it down.

I had Chinese/German food last night. An hour later I was hungry for power.

Hear about the weirdo who kidnaps hookers, then dunks them in pancake mix? His victims are being treated at the Battered Women's Shelter.

I've been hunting for my wife's killer five months now. Haven't yet found anyone who's willing to do it.

Did you know you can drop an egg on a concrete sidewalk without cracking it? You bet you can! Concrete is hard as hell!

I always try to go the extra mile for my customers. 'Course, most folks tend to resent that in a cabbie.

A tragedy at my sheep ranch: my prize ram ran right off a cliff and fell to his death. He just didn't see the ewe turn.

Sign outside a brothel: "We're closed for the day. Beat it!"

I like to enter my hedgehog in pet shows. I consider him a roll model.

Have you seen the gorgeous lady presenter at the Apple booth? She's major ICandy!

Damn boss left my pink slip sitting on the coffee maker. Guess he considered it grounds for termination.

People who earn their living crushing aluminum cans are an unhappy lot. Their job is soda pressing.

Double amputees make me furious! I just can't stand them!

A burglar broke into my house and stole every lamp I own. I'm both upset and delighted.

 

[Low_Roads]

Monica Lewinsky isn't planning to endorse Hillary. The last President Clinton left a bad taste in her mouth.

* * *​

Don't waste money on fancy name-brand bleach. The generic version tastes exactly the same.

* * *​

I was recently kidnapped by a gang of mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.

* * *​

A man wakes up in a hospital bed after a terrible accident.

"Doctor!" he moans, "I can't feel my legs!"

"Relax," soothes the doctor. "Your legs are perfectly all right."

"Oh thank god!" the man sighs.

"The reason you can't feel them is because I had to amputate your arms."

* * *​

I must be irresistible to German women. The one I came on to instantly gave me her number... 999--9999.

* * *​

Jesus walks into a hotel, drops a handful of nails at the desk and asks, "Can you put me up for the night?"

* * *​

I own a magical dog! It's a Labracadarador.

* * *​

My hand got stuck in the blender. Pour me!

* * *​

Studies show that most teens turn into good drivers. So if you're a good driver, watch the hell out for teens!

* * *​

I was very concerned when cattle got into my marijuana crop. The steaks were high.

* * *​

I could go on and on about that defunct Swedish car manufacturer, but I don't want to bore you with a Saab story.

* * *​

There must be something wrong with my blood. The doctor just told me, "Be positive."

* * *​

I don't mind so much if my wife says I'm crazy. But I resent like hell hearing it from my dog.

* * *​

A man goes to see his doctor. He has a green bean stuck up his nose, a grape lodged in his ear, and mashed potatoes in his navel.

The doctor looks him over and says, "Mr. Smith, you really need to start eating better."

* * *​

I took part in my first cage fight last night. Me one, gerbil zero.

* * *​

Did you hear Helen Keller had a boy friend? I didn't even know she was seeing someone.

* * *​

I'm in hot water. My wife had a special birthday planned and I completely forgot about it. Went to the game instead. I don't see the big deal; things went perfectly fine without me. Twins!

* * *​

Just watched the extended version of "The Hobbit". Bilbo was seven feet tall.

* * *​

My next-door neighbor accused me of stealing her clothes. It upset me so much I nearly shit her pants.

* * *​

A ghost walks into a saloon.

"Sorry," says the barman. "We can't serve spirits after eleven o'clock."

* * *​

I was screwed by a priest 20 years ago. He told me, "You may now kiss the bride!"

* * *​

Q: What's blue and doesn't weigh much?

A: Light blue.

* * *​

I just saw a reward poster for Schrödinger's cat. He's wanted dead and alive.

 

[arachnid95]

What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

I wouldn't pay $300 dollars to have a garbanzo bean on my face. >w>

 

[Low_Roads]

I did my own impromptu political poll on the street this afternoon. According 98% of respondants, our next president is going to be Get The Hell Away From Me, Weirdo.

* * *​

It was, without a doubt, a completely irrational decision to move to Hollywood just so I could hobnob with celebrities. I must admit I was star craving mad.

* * *​

She: I want to get breast enhancement surgery.

He: That's sure to cost a fortune! Why don't you just rub toilet paper between your boobs?

She: And you really think that'll make them bigger?

He: Why not! Look how well it worked on your ass!

* * *​

To get roosters in the mood, farmers are showing them a special kind of bondage pornography. It's called hen-tie.

* * *​

What a disastrous day! Two awful things happened: first, my wife was run over by a bus; second, I was fired from my job at the bus company.

* * *​

Believe it or not, you can actually think the unthinkable. But you're going to need an awfully big itheberg.

* * *​

My son wants to be an "ultra-pirate" for Halloween. But after wandering into traffic, he had to admit that even an ultra-pirate doesn't need more than one eye-patch.

* * *​

Three blondes were celebrating at a bar. They were so obviously pleased with themselves, the barkeep was determined to find out why.

"Oh, we're so proud!" one of them gushed. "We just finished a really hard jigsaw puzzle! It took us only 6 months... on the box, it said 4-6 years!"

* * *​

I found this terrific book to help with my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder! I just can't put it down!

* * *​

Mike Tyson to Vincent Van Gogh: "You gonna finish that?"

* * *​

I did the best I could to prepare my girlfriend for dinner with my family. Dad approved of her, of course. And Sis absolutely adored her! As always, Mom was the problem... she can't stand her meat too well done.

* * *​

Researchers have discovered a food that decreases a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called wedding cake.

* * *​

My doctor's concerned about my diet. He said I should restrict myself to staples. Hey, I admit, I enjoy all the wrong foods... but sealing my mouth shut is going too damned far!

* * *​

Two guys pull a pregnant lady out of the lake. She's unresponsive, so the first man immediately starts CPR. While he's busy giving her mouth-to-mouth, the second man pulls down her bikini bottom and sticks his lips over her vigina.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?!" shouts the first man in dismay.

"You keep working on the mother!" hollers the second man. "I'll save the baby!"

* * *​

I used to do the Hokey Pokey compulsively. I've now turned myself around.

* * *​

She: I look at myself in the mirror, and all I can see is a fat, old, ugly lady! Please say something complimentary!

He: You have eyesight to die for!

* * *​

My wife died of natural causes. I strangled her with kelp.

* * *​

Your twenty-second birthday will always be the shortest.

* * *​

My girlfriend believes in making the little things count. She teaches math to first graders.

* * *​

A quack doctor was taken into custody for hawking a patent medicine that promises to prolong life. And it's not the first time! He was arrested in 2001, 1939, 1824, 1650...

* * *​

Doctor: Sir, I'm very sorry to report you have a terminal condition. You have only 10 to live.

Patient: 10?!! Whatta you mean 10? Ten months? Ten weeks?

Doctor: ... nine... eight...

 

[Low_Roads]

My best buddy died in a drowning accident. A bunch of us chipped in for a headstone shaped like a life jacket. I know it's what he would have wanted.

* * *​

Marine biology... the perfect job for a guy who has no porpoise in his life.

* * *​

I know a masseur who simply refuses to work on women. He's a real massagonist.

* * *​

Someone broke into my business and stole all my important documents. I've never felt so defiled!

* * *​

Germany gets rid of old Volkswagens by piling them up alongside the freeway and burning them in an auto bonfire.

* * *​

I usually have to throw out my kids' animal crackers. A warning on the box states: "Do not eat if seal is broken".

* * *​

Definition of "bigamy": one wife too many.

Definition of "monogamy": same damned thing.

* * *​

Instead of being embalmed or cremated, I intend to have my body liquified. I'm eager to get drunk at my wake.

* * *​

Troubling reports have come in about hostilities along the Danish/German border. Analysts are referring to it as the DanGer zone.

* * *​

I ordered a male peacock, but I received a female instead. Damn it! I don't need another peacunt!

* * *​

It's "Jamaican Hair Day" at work tomorrow. I'm already dreading it.

* * *​

Clark Kent would make a for a mighty strict father. His kids would be subject to constant super vision.

* * *​

I've taught my Labradoodle dog to chuckle. He's now a Snickerdoodle.

* * *​

They call it The Happy Fiddle Hotel, but it's actually a vile inn.

* * *​

I just broke up with my psychiatrist girlfriend. I wasn't afraid of commitment before, but I am now!

* * *​

"Vaccinations are the bunk! I won't have one until pigs take to the skies!"

"Get to the hospital, then. Swine flu."

* * *​

I have sex daily. Sorry... I mean dyslexia.

* * *​

My wife didn't think I could fix the toaster. Is she in for a shock!

* * *​

Whatever endeavor you pursue, make sure to give 100%! Unless, of course, you're giving blood...

* * *​

I made a New Year's resolution to lose 10 pounds. Only 15 more to go!

* * *​

The girl I was having sex with last night kept yelling "Help police!" Like I really care about her charity work!

* * *​

A blonde believes her husband is having an affair, so she buys a handgun. Sure enough, she comes home early to find him in bed with another woman. Instantly, she whips out the pistol and holds it to her head.

"Don't do it!" screams her husband.

"Shut up, bastard!" she wails. "You're next!"

 

[Low_Roads]

My credit card company is super-pleased with the way I'm handling my account! They just told me my balance is outstanding!

* * *​

A perverted janitor was fired from his job at the sperm back. He was caught drinking on the job.

* * *​

A petty thief once wore a frog disguise to hold up a bank. He was arrested for kermiting robbery.

* * *​

Jeffrey Dahmer, to Lorena Bobbit: "You gonna finish that?"

* * *​

Back during the Cold War, a man walked into a Soviet store.

"You wouldn't happen to have any bread?" he inquired.

"Sorry," said the man at the counter. "This is a butcher shop. It's where we don't happen to have any meat. The bakery is across the street. That's where they don't happen to have any bread."

* * *​

My ex-girlfriend's named Opal... I'm afraid I took her for granite.

* * *​

A human heart was brought into the police station. It was under cardiac arrest.

* * *​

I was asked to donate to a fund for sick teenagers, but I refused. They'd probably just spend it on drugs.

* * *​

A special disciplinarian, half man, half horse, insured that young Greek heroes kept at their studies. He was the Centaur of Attention.

* * *​

I planned to tell a joke about a ceiling fan, but I'm afraid it'd be over your head.

* * *​

It's easy to differentiate a political motorcade from a porcupine. The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

* * *​

One of my great delights is to visit the playground and watch children hollering and dashing all about! They're so young and innocent... they haven't the faintest idea I'm using blanks!

* * *​

Patient: Doctor, you have to help me! After 20 years of steadfast loyalty, I've been unfaithful to my husband! I just can't live with the idea, it's so desperately out of character... do you think you could hypnotize me so l'll never remember it happened?

Psychiatrist: What, again?

* * *​

There's some nasty gossip going 'round about the taffy puller, but don't believe it. It's nothing but viscous rumor.

* * *​

One of every three men has a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest of us don't consider it a problem.

* * *​

I'm afraid my pet duck has developed an addiction to drugs. He's become a quack head.

* * *​

Keep that candy away from my alcoholic uncle! It's liqour-ish!

* * *​

Most folks think I'm losing weight so's to get into my pants. I'm actually losing weight so's to get into her pants.

* * *​

Never buy anything from a cannibal. It'll cost you an arm and a leg.

* * *​

Hope you enjoy my pizza joke! It's all in the delivery!

* * *​

My father-in-law is a well-known transvestite. You may have heard about him... he was arrested for male fraud.

* * *​

Boy: Daddy, put me down!

Father: I've considered it, son. But the vet assures me it's still murder.

 

[Low_Roads]

Everyone says I'm average. That's just mean!

* * *​

That trail hand's hat is made from paper towels. Bet he's got a bounty on his head!

* * *​

Yesterday I crossed the road, walked into a bar and changed a lightbulb. My life's a joke!

* * *​

Microbiology humor:

Why did the germ cross the microscope?

To get to the other slide.

* * *​

My wife has memorialized every important life event by sewing it into a quilt. Her entire history is fabricated.

* * *​

A researcher is investigating canine/human bestiality. He's very committed to the project... in fact, he's in his lab right now.

* * *​

I accidentally handed my wife a tube of super glue instead of the lipstick. She doesn't seem upset about it... I haven't heard a single word of complaint.

* * *​

Why did the chicken cross Hollywood Boulevard?

To see Gregory Peck.

* * *​

John: You damn 10 dollar *****! You gave me crabs!

Prostitute: What do you expect for 10 dollars? Lobster?

* * *​

Trump was addressing a group of Obama supporters. He's trying to convince them that orange is the new black.

* * *​

Paper money is definitely more valuable than coin. Put it in your pocket, you double it... take out again, you find it in creases.

* * *​

The python can grow up to 24 feet! No, wait... that's the caterpillar.

* * *​

Ohio and Michigan once had a shooting war in a border town. Holey Toledo!

* * *​

The difference between a toff on a trike and a bum on a bike is simply a matter of attire.

* * *​

As a youngster, I was forced to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog.

* * *​

Parachute for sale. Used only once. Never opened. Slight stain.

* * *​

I heard about this African lion who turned cannibal. He may be ready for help... I understand he's swallowed his pride.

* * *​

Chuck Norris is so damned tough that when he does push-ups, he isn't pushing himself up. He's pushing the world down.

* * *​

When Chuck Norris wants a salad, he eats a vegetarian.

* * *​

Jesus could walk on water; Chuck Norris swims through land.

* * *​

Chuck Norris went to war.

Chuck Norris pulled the pin from a grenade.

Chuck Norris threw the grenade.

Chuck Norris killed 50 men.

Then the grenade went off.

* * *​

I've been told I'm a procrastinator. I'll look into that tomorrow.

 

[Low_Roads]

My brother will be putting on a Jesus costume for the local Christmas pageant. I suppose you could call him a cross dresser.

* * *​

Staring at cleavage is a great way to demonstrate multi-tasking. It proves you can concentrate on two things at the same time.

* * *​

My best friend's body was completely dissolved when he fell into a vat of boiling water. Poor guy... he's going to be mist.

* * *​

A duck starts to cross a road, when he's stopped by a chicken.

"Don't do it," the chicken warns him. "You'll never hear the end of it."

* * *​

I had to drop my wall-eyed girlfriend. She was seeing someone on the side.

* * *​

The school children of Flint, Michigan, are experiencing difficulty with the alphabet. Letters A to G don't bother them... neither do P to Z. But they're really having trouble with H to O.

* * *​

A North Korean man was sentenced to 40 years in a labor camp for calling Kim Jong Un an idiot. He was convicted of violating the Official Secrets Act.

* * *​

All the world's pandas are dying of pneumonia. It's complete pandemonium!

* * *​

How many babies does it take to paint a house?

Depends on how hard you toss 'em.

* * *​

My friends and I shared a box of Soylent Green. We had a tough time determining the flavor... it varies from person to person.

* * *​

Out of curiosity, a pretty blonde sucked some of Dracula's blood. She considered it irony.

* * *​

Telescopes operate by using mirrors. If space vampires are coming for us, we'll never know!

* * *​

9/11 jokes just aren't funny. But the remaining 2 are hilarious!

* * *​

There's a vast difference between jokes and dicks. My girlfriend won't laugh at my jokes.

* * *​

It's just about impossible to solve redneck murders. There are never any dental records, and all the DNA samples are the same.

* * *​

My neighbors listen to awesome music... whether they want to or not.

* * *​

Just heard about new Viagra eye drops! I'm taking a hard look at 'em!

* * *​

Only one US president is beyond reproach: Abraham Lincoln. He's undeniably in a cent.

* * *​

A man well known for committing bestiality disappeared near a lake. Cops may yet find him high and dry, but they suspect he's sleeping with the fishes.

* * *​

It's impossible for Miss Piggy to count to 100. Soon as she reaches 69, she gets a frog in her throat.

* * *​

Nurse: I'm very sorry to tell you that you've contracted a highly contagious, deadly disease. You'll have to be kept in strict quarantine and fed a diet of pancakes.

Patient: That's terrible news! But... why pancakes? Will they really help me get better?

Nurse: No. But they're the easiest thing to slide under the door.

* * *​

Last year I felt depressed and miserable, but I managed to turn things around. I now feel miserable and depressed.

 

[Low_Roads]

A snow-man is fine, but don't try to make a snow-predator. You might not survive the frostbite.

* * *​

I feel so damned empty. I really need to stop asking people if they want a piece of me.

* * *​

A murderer was caught with the body of his victim, along with two planks he'd pried from the floorboards. He put up a novel defense... he claimed it was a Build Your Own Jesus Kit.

* * *​

I bought a cheese grater as a gift for my blind friend. He told me it was the most violent book he ever read.

* * *​

A man goes in for an annual medical checkup. His doctor looks him over and says, "Sir, you really need to stop masturbating."

"Why is that?" the man inquires.

"Because I'm trying to perform an examination."

* * *​

The Invisible Man goes to the hospital for his yearly exam.

"What?" says the doctor. "He's an hour early! Tell him I can't see him!"

* * *​

My mother is a full 24 inches shorter than me. I went to visit her at the nudist colony; I think she's the tops, of course, but locals regard her as the bare mini-mum.

* * *​

My neighbor steals kinetic energy. He's a joule thief.

* * *​

There are 197 cattle in my pasture, but I'll have an even 200 once I round them up.

* * *​

Give a man a fish, and he'll say: "No, I ordered a Big Mac."

Teach a man to fish, and he'll say: " What the hell kind of McDonalds is this?!"

* * *​

If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it, does that mean my illegal logging operation is a success?

* * *​

Ants rarely get sick. That's because of their powerful anty bodies.

* * *​

What's the stupidest animal in any tropical rainforest?

A polar bear.

* * *​

Flour must have been first formulated by hillbillies. It's constantly in bread.

* * *​

Moon men prefer to dine inside craters. The contents are meteor.

* * *​

The other day, a bumble bee landed right in the palm of my hand. I thought it was quite beautiful... beauty, after all, is in the eye of the bee-holder.

* * *​

If a bee heads toward you, don't run and don't swat it away. Simply stare straight at it; seeing is bee-leaving.

* * *​

I'm tired of my wife talking behind my back and pushing me around. I'd do something about it, but we can't afford a motorized wheelchair.

* * *​

At our local prison, an Irish inmate developed a dreaded skin condition. It's the first time the guards ever had to deal with a leper con.

* * *​

Why did Jim Morrison cross the road?

To break on through to the other side.

* * *​

A plantain is prone to insect infestation, but that's okay. It actually improves the flavor... without an ant, it's simply plain.

* * *​

There's a new pro wrestler with a finishing move that stings like hell. His name is Stone Cold Steve Irwin.

 

[Low_Roads]

Patient: Doctor, kiss me!

Doctor: No, I can't.

Patient: Please! I'm begging you!

Doctor: No. It wouldn't be ethical.

Patient: I demand that you kiss me!

Doctor: For the last time, no! I shouldn't even be having sex with you!

* * *​

I've had it with gravity! It's let me down for the last time!

* * *​

I went BASE jumping with my girlfriend. Stupid of me... I should have used a parachute.

* * *​

I don't worry about sky- diving. If anything goes wrong, I have the rest of my life to fix it.

* * *​

Robber: Give me all your money!

Victim: You're going to regret this! I'm an important congressman!

Robber: Oh. Then give me all my money!

* * *​

I was run over three times by the same damned bike! It's a cycle of violence!

* * *​

My brother can be tough to get rid of. He constantly says goodbye, but never leaves... it's much adieu about nothing.

* * *​

There's only one thing more Irish than eating potatoes: not eating potatoes.

* * *​

My wife's salad's are as good as gold! She always adds 24 carrots.

* * *​

My uncle was killed by an errant tennis ball. We hated to have to bury him, but it was a lovely service.

* * *​

I discovered that I can carry any boat on my head, just by flipping it over. That makes it cap size.

* * *​

The band Styx may go on tour with the Stones! That sure wood rock!

* * *​

I bought myself a blowup pleasure doll the other day, a super life- like one. It's so realistic, it refuses to have sex with me.

* * *​

On the moon, they build their homes out of cheese... cottage cheese, naturally.

* * *​

My wife ran off with my best friend. God, how I miss him!

* * *​

You can count on electricity flowing constantly, night and day. It's always current.

* * *​

A grasshopper walks into a bar.

Bartender: Welcome, pal! You're famous! We have a drink named after you!

Grasshopper: No kidding! You actually have a drink named Ralph?

* * *​

My mother disappeared during the Battle of Anzio. Mama MIA!

* * *​

I had Irish bean soup for lunch. 239 beans, by count... a wise precaution. One extra bean would make it too farty.

* * *​

Grandson: Grandpa, there's a suppository in your ear!

Grandpa: Damn! So that's what happened to my hearing aid!

* * *​

I had no idea I was color blind! It came right out of the green!

* * *​

Star Trek's Mr. Spock was famous for his ears. How many did he have?

Three: (1) the right ear; (2) the left ear; (3) the final front ear.

 

[Low_Roads]

My friend took his grandmother to one of those spas... you know, the kind with pools of little fish that eat away all the dead skin. Cost him $300.00, but it was still cheaper than paying for a funeral.

* * *​

I find that my love life is a lot like my savings account. I always lose interest after making a withdrawal.

* * *​

An old man gets back into bed with his wife. After a few minutes of thoughtful reflection, he says, "Dear... does the light in our bathroom go on and off automatically?"

"No," she replies. "Of course not."

"Damn," he returns. "We're gonna have to buy a new fridge."

* * *​

I'd rather have a hooker than an onion. I always cry when I cut up onions.

* * *​

Studies show that unvaccinated children are actually less likely to be autistic. That's because they're more likely to be dead.

* * *​

I think I've contracted food poisoning. Don't know for sure... it's just a gut feeling.

* * *​

It takes a total of 20 raccoons to make a coat... assuming, of course, that they all have access to sewing machines.

* * *​

I'm eager to sell lumber online. Guess I better log in.

* * *​

It's no coincidence that Darth Vader's helmet looks phallic. When the rebels stole away his children, they removed his force kin.

* * *​

Judge: Mr. Mouse, do I understand you correctly? You wish to divorce your wife on the grounds that she's insane?

Mickey: Nah, I never said Minnie was crazy. I said she was fucking Goofy.

* * *​

Good, honest men can be found in every corner of the world. Unfortunately, the world is round.

* * *​

Elon Musk was born in South Africa. He made an electric car. If he'd been born on that big island farther east, I suppose he would have made a gas car.

* * *​

I accidentally knocked a drum set offstage, breaking it. Guess I better replace all the instruments... the drummer told me there'd be repercussions.

* * *​

Scientists have now determined that the Zika Virus can be spread through oral sex... a small price to pay for a little head.

* * *​

This past year I've been having hot Internet sex with a gorgeous, voluptuous woman. Yesterday I actually got to meet him.

* * *​

One snowman to another: "Why does everything around here smells like carrots?"

* * *​

The primary difference between a brown-noser and a shithead: depth perception.

* * *​

i consistently write out proper nouns and sentence starts in lower-case letters. my friends say i'm an anti-capitalist.

* * *​

Our sun is mighty insignificant, cosmically speaking. I give it a one star rating.

* * *​

The price of rubber balloons gets higher all the time; doubtless the cost of inflation.

* * *​

Nine years ago, I asked my dream girl for a date. Yesterday, I asked her to marry me. Tomorrow... well, she can't keep saying no forever!

* * *​

Wife: Have you seen our next-door neighbors? Every morning before heading for work, he takes her in his arms and gives her a long, lingering, loving kiss! Why don 't you do that?

Husband: Hey, sounds great to me! D'ya think she'd go for it?

 

[Low_Roads]

I'd just entered a lady's apartment to try to sell her a vacuum, when her insanely jealous husband came home unexpectedly. She told me to use the back door and be quick about it. I should have left instantly, I suppose... but you don't get an offer like that everyday!

* * *​

My neighbor is super hot, but I haven't tried to take her out yet. Another 30 minutes at 400 degrees should do.

* * *​

Guy: What odd accents. Are you two ladies from England?

Gal: Wales, you dolt!

Guy: Oh, forgive me! Are you two whales from England?

* * *​

My son was just thrown out of school. Three schools... three years... I'm beginning to suspect that teaching wasn't his best career choice.

* * *​

Stamp, to letter: "Lick my backside, and I'll take you places you've never been before!"

* * *​

I staked every dollar I owned on a lottery ticket, and you know what? God answered my prayer!

The answer, by the way, was "No".

* * *​

Some poor guy slipped and fell into one of Yellowstone's boiling thermal ponds. I believe he was called Stew.

* * *​

My son wants to develop hypothermia. He says all the cool kids are doing it.

* * *​

The manager of our local movie theater died recently. Services will be held at 4:25, 5:40, 7:10 and 9:45.

* * *​

I just ended a 5 year relationship, but I'm not upset about it in the slightest. Why would I be? It wasn't mine.

* * *​

The difference between Kim Kardashian and the Titanic?...

We know how many people went down on the Titanic.

* * *​

To the wheelchair-bound guy who stole my camouflage jacket: you can hide, but you can't run!

* * *​

A lovely lady sauntered into a bar and ordered a Double Entendre. The bartender whipped it out and gave it to her.

* * *​

I've been studying about the ancient scholar who invented the calendar. What a guy! He really made my day!

* * *​

There never seems to be enough food at Halloween parties. That's because everybody attending is a goblin.

* * *​

I find I've become considerably smarter after suffering brain trauma. It was a stroke of genius.

* * *​

The Jehovah's Witness made some headway at the auto mall, but only among the convertibles.

* * *​

I thought I hired a private investigator, but he spent two whole days examining hedges. He was actually a privet investigator.

* * *​

If you want my broken marionette, please take it! No strings attached!

* * *​

Who understands Roman numerals?

I, for one.

* * *​

What animal has five legs?

A pitbull returning from a playground.

* * *​

I tried to take my own picture in a sauna, but failed. I'm having selfie steam issues.

* * *​

How many tickles does it take to satisfy an anime girl?

Ten tickles.

 

[TKLVR181]

That last batch was pure gold, LBH. A Welsh joke, a chair joke, and a tickle joke all in one post-you've made my night xD

~K

 

[Low_Roads]

Aw, thank you Karen! So very pleased!

 

[Low_Roads]

Last week I asked a pretty street person if I could take her home. She thought it was a swell idea until I walked off with her cardboard box.

* * *​

My sister tells me Mr. Peanut is her love slave. She's fucking nuts!

* * *​

I've quit drinking for good.

I'm now drinking for evil.

* * *​

A funny pun is its own reword.

* * *​

My medical records are in constant turmoil... no one seems to be able to identify my blood properly. It's Type-O.

* * *​

Cops couldn't solve the case of the flat auto battery. They had no leads.

* * *​

A busty blonde walks into a laundromat with a badly soiled tee shirt.

"Will normal detergent get this out?" she inquires of the hard-of-hearing attendant.

"Come again?" he asks.

"No," she returns. "It's just mayonnaise this time."

* * *​

A writer was charged with using an excessive number of commas and semi-colons. The judge warned him to expect a long sentence.

* * *​

I just got fired from my job at the clock factory. And after all the extra hours I put in!

* * *​

Moses descended from Mount Sinai with his tablet. He took a look at it and saw the notification: "You have 10 unread commandments."

* * *​

I met a girl in a bar; her name was Comic Sans. Nothing came of it... she just wasn't my type.

* * *​

I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was located right next to a caterwauling baby. They turned me down, though... they aren't at all sympathetic when the baby happens to be your own.

* * *​

The inventor of the knock-knock joke was recently spotted in Stockholm. Seems he was awarded a No-bell prize.

* * *​

I just started a unique business: glass-coffin funerals. Will it be a success? Remains to be seen.

* * *​

Why did the gamer cross the road?

Buy the DLC to find out!

* * *​

I can hardly believe it, but I'm able to cut down a tree just by staring at it! I saw it with my own eyes!

* * *​

There was an old man who lived in a tire. It had a puncture and now he lives in a flat.

* * *​

I'm just crazy about fruit! You might even say I'm plum loco!

* * *​

Midwife humor slays me! It's all in the delivery!

* * *​

I accidentally screamed out my mother's name during sex last night. Sis was extremely upset about it.

* * *​

Two wind turbines walk into a bar. The first says, "Hey, there's a juke box in the corner. Let's have some music!"

"Sure," says the second. "What do you want to hear?"

"Find some Zeppelin," the first replies. "I'm a big heavy metal fan."

* * *​

The Taiwanese are reputedly domineering, aggressive people. I suppose that's to be expected from a Taipei personality.

 

[Low_Roads]

No one can get through to my dad during breakfast; he always has his nose buried in the newspaper. A newspaper, mind you, not an online device... he's forever behind The Times.

* * *​

A man is jogging through the woods when he happens across a large suitcase. Curious, he opens it and is stunned to find the body of a man inside. He immediately dials 911 on his cell phone.

"Is the man dead?" the emergency operator asks.

"I don't know," the jogger replies. "I didn't check him very carefully."

"Well, is he moving?"

"Not as far as I can tell," the jogger observes. "That would certainly explain the suitcase, though."

* * *​

Last week I found myself in charge of an army of toddlers. You don't know terror until you've had to face a mass infantry movement!

* * *​

England only has three vowels: A, I and O. It's abandoned the EU.

* * *​

My wife hates it when I pee in the shower. I really ought to wait until she's through in there.

* * *​

A big flock of pigeons has appeared in the park, each bird wearing a little army uniform. Authorities fear a military coo.

* * *​

Ever notice that milking stools have only three legs? You might expect four, but the cow has the udder.

* * *​

Emperor Caligula planned to make his horse a senator. He hoped it would help promote a stable economy.

* * *​

I've totally lost control of my vowels. I'm completely in consonant.

* * *​

Women don't know what they want! My sister's girlfriend described her perfect man as spontaneous and funny; and yet, when I showed up at her apartment at 1 AM dressed in a clown suit, she immediately called 911!

* * *​

How do the North Korean military leaders know whether they've made a surface ship or a submarine?

They wait to see how long it takes to sink.

* * *​

Our local zoo is a joke! Their most recent exhibit is a loaf of rye in a cage, with a placard reading: "Bread in captivity"!

* * *​

You have to keep a careful watch for children on the roadway. They're usually terrible drivers.

* * *​

Yeah, I went to Vietnam. I killed over 30 North Vietnamese with a sniper rifle. It turned out so well, I plan the same thing in Paris next year.

* * *​

I just learned that you can spell the word "candy" with only two letters: C and Y.

* * *​

"Your Dad's a ninja, huh? Can he throw one 'a them little metal stars?"

"Sure he can!"

* * *​

Cinderella was useless on the soccer team. She ran away from the ball.

* * *​

I played a blank CD at full volume all night long. It drove the mime next door crazy.

* * *​

The police picked up two kids today. One of them was eating fireworks, the other was drinking battery acid. The cops charged one and let the other off.

* * *​

First sperm: Race you to the egg!

Second sperm: Okay. But pace yourself... that's the larynx up ahead.

* * *​

My girlfriend developed anorexia. Call me shallow, but since that time I've been seeing less and less of her.

* * *​

Hear about the new blonde paint? It's cheap, not overly bright, and spreads easily.

 

[Low_Roads]

From Rdhd, with thanks!...

Boy: Mom, can I have a dollar? I've been good all week.

Mother: A whole dollar, just for being good? Why can't you be like your father? He's good for nothing.

* * *​

I just happened to notice... "seven" contains the word "even". Isn't that odd!

* * *​

An empty beer cup fell off the table. That can happen once you're drunk.

* * *​

My car returned from the shop covered with black and white squares. I'd taken it in to get it checked.

* * *​

You really have to hand it to Peter Dinklage! He's too short to reach it himself.

* * *​

An older couple are lying side by side in bed.

She: Husband... how did you feel about me when we first met?

He: I was so hot for you, I wanted to ball you brainless and suck your titties dry.

She: And how do you feel now?

He: Like I did too good a job.

* * *​

I just met a guy who claims he was born without an anus. I suspect he's full of shit.

* * *​

Strippers rarely carry any kind of insurance... I'm sure you've noticed their lack of coverage.

* * *​

I'm not at all interested in seeing the movie "An Inconvenient Truth". I hear there's too much gore.

* * *​

Two towers were standing side by side. One of them said, "I won't be here long. I have to catch a plane."

* * *​

What would The Beatles have been without Ringo?

The Beatless.

* * *​

I happened to see a robbery at an Apple retailer. Prosecutors are calling me as an iWitness.

* * *​

He committed the crime, but she ended up in prison. They had a knack for finishing each other's sentences.

* * *​

I stepped on a nail yesterday. Might have avoided it, but I didn't see the point.

* * *​

A fly buzzes into a bar. He notices a guy exiting the john and says, "Hey, Stan, mind if I take your stool?"

* * *​

I'd just sat down in a public restroom, when a voice came from the stall alongside mine.

He: Hi! How are you?

Me: Uhhh... just fine, thanks.

He: So, what are you up to?

Me: Huh? Same as you, of course.

He: Mind if I come on over?

Me: What?! I certainly do mind! What kind of creep are you?

He: Look, I'll have call you back. The clown next to me just won't shut up.

* * *​

My friend tells this story about the ball his dog brought back from a neighboring town. I've always found it far fetched.

* * *​

Professor X has been performing so many wheelies in his X chair, folks are starting to call him Professor +.

* * *​

I have a pet salamander. I've named him Tiny because he's my newt.

* * *​

Have you heard about the European version of Paul Revere? He rides from town to town, proclaiming: "The British are leaving! The British are leaving!"

* * *​

I used to listen exclusively to baroque music. Now I think outside the Bachs.

* * *​

My dog just chased after a kid on a bike. If I'd known he'd start doing that, I never would have bought him the damned thing.

* * *​

Daughter: You old fogeys and your dinosaur rock! Jim Morrison was a lush and a loser!

Father: Young lady, you will not slam The Doors in this house!

 

[Low_Roads]

If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does apple juice do for you?

Sorry... that's in-cider information.

* * *​

I married my new wife without divorcing my old one. I thought wife #2 would be upset about it, but just the opposite! She considers it big a' me!

* * *​

|

Artist: Well, what do you think of my latest work?

Critic: Do you want my honest opinion?

Artist: Of course!

Critic: I'm afraid it's worthless.

Artist: I know, but tell my anyway.

* * *​

To the inconsiderate jerks next-door who insist on screaming at each other at the top of their lungs: would it kill you to include a little backstory?

* * *​

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

* * *​

Number 10 has been traumatized ever since it found itself in the middle of 9/11.

* * *​

Hey, I can keep a secret! It's the people I tell who are blabbermouths!

* * *​

Taking a nap once a day can help prevent senility. Particularly if you take it while you're driving.

* * *​

Wanna learn a great exercise for taking off weight? First, turn your head to the left. Then rotate it firmly to the right. Repeat frequently and vigorously every time anyone offers you food.

* * *​

Gunfire was reported at a track and field event. I understand it was race related.

* * *​

Why were the Star Wars films made out of order?

In charge of continuity Yoda was.

* * *​

I discovered a foolproof plan to quit biting my fingernails: I've stopped using toilet paper.

* * *​

ISIS refuses to bomb Wal-Mart. They don't consider it a viable Target.

* * *​

Finally, I'm gonna realize my longstanding ambition of visiting a nudist colony! Am I ready? Heck, I was born ready!

* * *​

What had 90 balls and screws old ladies?

Bingo!

* * *​

A snail bought himself a fancy French sports car with plenty of get-up. The first thing he did to it was paint a big, bold capital "S" on each door. He was eager for spectators to say as he zoomed past, "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"

* * *​

You haven't gotten fat, dear. You're just... easier to see.

* * *​

That Nazi comes from San Francisco. He's one of the Bay Aryans.

* * *​

The grass is always greener on someone else's lawn. Be thankful you don't have to mow it.

* * *​

Lice are becoming mysteriously resistant to preventive medication. The problem has researchers scratching their heads.

* * *​

The algebra of relationships: you stare at your X and wonder Y.

* * *​

Hillary Clinton would be the first f president elected in the US.

Sorry... that was supposed to read "female president". The "emale" got deleted.

 

[Low_Roads]

Reaction to Snakes

• Civilian: Runs away from the snake screaming.

• Paratrooper: Lands on and kills the snake.

• Armor: runs over snake, giggles, and looks for more snakes.

• Infantry: "Look, a putty cat. Come 'ere kitty....Ouch! Hey, that's not a putty tat."

• Army Aviation: Has GPS grid to snake. Can't find snake. Back to base for crew rest and the club and some sort of drink called "The Snake."

• Ranger: Plays with the snake, then eats it.

• 2nd Ranger: Assaults the snake's home and secures it for use by friendly snakes.

• MI: analyzes all available intelligence and national asset input on the reptilian situation; reports sighting of Godzilla to National Command Authority.

• JAG: Advises the snake on the rules of engagement and the law of war as it pertains to the snake and its defensive posture.

• Quartermaster: Captures snake and applies a National Stock Number (NSN) to it. Implements a Found On Installation (FOI) procedure and picks up snake on property book. Has company commander sign hand receipt for "Snake, Green, One Each," as non-expendable unit property.

• Chemical Corps: Starts to gas the little booger, but then realizes that there is an M-18, A-2 Respirator especially made for snakes, remembers the Chemical Corps Motto, "UTRWBAG" (Up Their Rear With Bugs and Gas), and conducts three experiments on it that have been strictly prohibited by the Clinton Treaty of 1999.

• Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition, several grenades and calls for naval gunfire in a failed attempt to kill the snake. The snake bites the SEAL then retreats to safety.

• Artillery: Kills snake, but in the process kills several hundred civilians with a massive TOT with three FA BDEs in support. Mission is considered a success and all participants (cooks, mechanics, clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

• Marine Recon: Follows the snake and gets lost.

• Pathfinder: Guides the snake elsewhere.

• AF Fighter Pilot: Mis-identifies the snake as a Russian HIND helicopter and engages it with missiles. Crew chief paints a snake on airplane.

• AF Pararescue: Wounds the snake in first encounter, then feverishly works to save the snake's life.

• Green Beret: Makes contact with the snake, builds rapport, wins its heart and mind, then trains it to kill other snakes.

 

[Low_Roads]

One strand of DNA, to another: "Do these genes make me look fat?"

* * *​

Hear about the cannibal who arrived way late to a catered affair? His hosts gave him the cold shoulder.

* * *​

Job interviewers are looking for responsible people, so I give 'em the local sheriff as a referral. He insists I'm responsible for everything.

* * *​

A cop pulls over a weaving sedan. The driver immediately stumbles out and falls flat on his face.

"Look at you!" the patrolman scolds. "You're so damn drunk you can't even walk!"

"No shit!" the driver indignantly replies. "Why do you think I took the car?"

* * *​

Donald Trump may already be regretting his VP choice. He was overheard at a fundraiser picnic declaring, "I wanna take off Mike Pence and go Newt."

* * *​

I thought a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant. How wrong I was... it only changed the baby's color.

* * *​

Pavlov's dogs ended up extra fluffy. Shows you the value of a good conditioner.

* * *​

When ISIS is finally eradicated, will history remember it as WASWAS?

* * *​

My wife accused me of being immature. That's the last time I let her inside my pillow fort!

* * *​

The old general had the heart of a lion. He earned himself a permanent ban at the wildlife park, too.

* * *​

Van Gogh was wise to become a painter. He had no ear for music.

* * *​

My girlfriend's father got drunk and accused me of being a pedophile... all because she's 22 and I'm 36! It completely ruined our 10 year anniversary!

* * *​

ER nurse: We're losing this patient! Does anyone have any idea what we should do next?

Voice from the back: How about 50 cc's of ice-cold, refreshing beverage?

ER nurse: Damn it! Not now, Dr. Pepper!

* * *​

It gets hotter than hell in a stadium when the concert's over... entirely to be expected once all the fans are gone.

* * *​

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I've said it before.

* * *​

A famous porn star had to postpone one of her films to take care of family-related business. It was a leave of abstinence.

* * *​

"Women should stay in the kitchen"... what a primitive sentiment! How the hell can they clean the rest of the house if they're stuck in the kitchen?

* * *​

It's funny how little people change. Well, it's not that much different really, except for the tiny clothes.

* * *​

Nuclear physicists have their own social movement: Half-lives Matter.

* * *​

There's a stairway to heaven, but a highway to hell. Infernal transportation systems had to upgrade radically to accommodate increased traffic.

* * *​

Arctic etiquette: never send an Eskimo family a house-warming gift.

* * *​

Prosecuting attorney: The defendant is clearly guilty of stealing the victim's monocle.

Defense attorney: I object, your honor.

Judge: Quiet! I know what a damned monocle is!

 

[Low_Roads]

Mom is driving Junior to school, when a soiled condom flies off a garbage truck and splatters onto her windshield. Surprised and embarrassed, she thinks fast.

"My!" she says to her son. "What an odd insect!"

Junior stares at it and finally replies, "Yeah! Wonder how it ever got off the ground with a cock that big!"

* * *​

I was once so hungry, I ate a chess board. Not bad, all considered... a bit gamey.

* * *​

A housewife couldn't locate the tool she always used to peal the carrots and potatoes. Then she remembered... it was his night to go bowling.

* * *​

I wanted a good deal from my drug supplier... he responded by cutting the marijuana with sugar. That successfully sweetened the pot.

* * *​

An all-girl crew of bank robbers struck yesterday. Rather than wear disguises, they did the job completely naked; even so, no one could remember any faces.

* * *​

A pregnant woman enters a hospital emergency room.

Woman: ... don't... haven't... mustn't... can't...

Receiving nurse: Prepare a room! This woman's gone into contractions!

* * *​

Mayor Bloomberg wanted to reduce soft drink size. Forget New York... he really should have been in charge of mini soda.

* * *​

As I stared deep into her eyes, I felt my knees go weak and my stomach tie into knots. Evidentially I'd drugged the wrong drink.

* * *​

Saddam Hussein was found inside a spider hole. So... did that made him an Iraqnid?

* * *​

A Texas cowboy decides to move to the city and open a German car franchise. His business card reads "Audi Partner".

* * *​

I was startled when I opened my front door to find an alligator wearing a buckskin vest emblazoned with a single chevron. But he soon eased my suspicions... assured me he was a private investigator.

* * *​

A woman sees a Pokemon Go player outside her house and reports him as a Peeping Tom. She'd become alarmed when he told her, "I intend to take a Pikachu."

* * *​

My lab assistant and I have developed a device that can read a person's brainwaves, steal his ideas, then permanently delete the memory of them from his consciousness.

Man, if only I'd thought of that!

* * *​

Two competing deodorants are bickering on a store shelf. Finally, one of them becomes completely frustrated.

"I can't understand you!" he rages. "Your Axe scent is too strong!"

* * *​

My girlfriend just started smoking. Looks like I'll have to slow down and apply some lubricant.

* * *​

My girlfriend and I have fallen into a rather tedious sex routine. So, just to shake things up, I asked her to give me the very worst hand-job imaginable.

It was quite a challenge. I'm surprised she could pull it off!

* * *​

Prank caller: Sir, is your refrigerator running?

Victim: Why, yes. Yes it is.

Caller: Thank god! I'll vote for it!

* * *​

A shipload of horny, depraved space pirates invaded The Planet of the Vegetables. The fearsome pirate captain marched down the ramp and addressed the population:

"We cum in peas!"

* * *​

I've been watching "Game of Thrones"... planned to submit a joke about Ned Stark's head. Unfortunately, it was removed.

* * *​

If you look long and hard enough... a career in x-rated films might just be for you!

* * *​

Batman operates under a distinct disadvantage in a baseball game. Any pitch that hits him is considered a bunt.

* * *​

"It's a boy!" I shouted as I tore through the hallway, tears streaming down my face. "I can't believe it's a boy!"

Last damn time I'll ever go to that bordello!

 

[Low_Roads]

It all.

The first line says it all.

* * *​

Little Miss Muffet had much in common with ISIS. She too had Kurds in her way.

* * *​

I recently received a degree from Palindrome University. My new professional title is Dr. Awkward.

* * *​

Remember the '80s sitcom about Abraham Lincoln? It was shot before a live audience.

* * *​

Job interviewer: What's your name, please.

Man applying for job: Stteevvven Sttutuartt.

Interviewer: Pardon? Would you repeat that, please?

Man: Stteevvven Sttutuartt.

Interviewer: Sir... do you have a stammer?

Man: No... but my father did. And the county registrar was an anal asshole.

* * *​

There are dozens of hot air balloon businesses in our area, so I thought I'd buck the trend and start a cold air balloon business. Alas, I've had all sorts of trouble getting it off the ground.

* * *​

The home of a prominent attorney was invaded by a second-story man. There was a terrible struggle... in the end, the burglar couldn't avoid being robbed.

* * *​

I could have won the Junior Olympics if it weren't for you medalling kids!

* * *​

The prostitute I was with last night died in the middle of the session. What a windfall! The whole next hour was free!

* * *​

After the war, Sargent Schmidt from Stuttgart became an animal doctor. He was the city's first veteran Aryan.

* * *​

It starts with an E...

It ends with an E...

It has only one letter:

Envelope.

* * *​

A wife calls her husband:

Wife: The car won't start. There's water in the carburetor.

Husband: Ha! What makes you think so? You don't even know what a carburetor is!

Wife: That's true. Even so, I insist there's water in the carburetor.

Husband: We'll see about that! Where is the car right now?

Wife: At the bottom of a swimming pool.

* * *​

Rupert Grint: Mom! Mom! I just got a part in the new Harry Potter movie!

Mom: Are you serious?

Rupert: No, I'm Ron Weasley!

* * *​

Mexico can barely field an Olympic team. Anyone who can run, jump or swim is in the US.

* * *​

My girlfriend's son is a bloody disappointment. Guess I really should be more sensitive about her miscarriage...

* * *​

Dr. Frankenstein entered a body building competition. It's unlikely that he clearly understood the purpose of the event.

* * *​

Pokemon Go can be hazardous. My sister encountered an STD Pokemon the other day... she caught a Vulvasore.

* * *​

The more suicidal people... the fewer suicidal people.

* * *​

Woman to marriage councillor: My husband and I used to have the perfect relationship. Then the cheating began. His girlfriend started dating my boyfriend!

* * *​

I received a picture of myself from a stop light camera, but sent it right back. The photographic quality was terrible and they wanted way too much money for it.

* * *​

Can you believe it? A cannibal chef will boil a man's funny bone until nothing remains but juice! What a laughing stock!

* * *​

Hillary Clinton has had her share of scandals. So, how do they compare to Bill's?... close, but no cigar.

 

[Low_Roads]

My wife discovered some letters I'd been hiding... irrefutable evidence that I was cheating.

She was furious... swore she'd never play Scrabble with me again.

* * *​

I have sex almost every night: almost on Monday... almost on Tuesday... almost on Wednesday...

* * *​

Motorcycle cop: Sorry to have pulled you over, Father. We're looking for a child molester.

Priest: Oh, I'm definitely interested! But I won't be available until next week.

* * *​

The Quran is a lot like weed: set it on fire, and you're sure to get stoned.

* * *​

Library patron: Do you have that book about men with small schlongs?

Librarian (checking her files): Hmmm... I'm not sure it's in yet.

Patron: Yep. That's the title, all right.

* * *​

After several years of failed crops, Old MacDonald will have to sell his farm. He E-I-E-I owes.

* * *​

A professional limbo dancer walks into a bar. Needless to say, he's disqualified.

* * *​

What do you call a gorilla with a banana in each ear?

Anything you want... he won't be able to hear you.

* * *​

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better man. If I was, I could get myself a better girlfriend.

* * *​

Most astronomers have tuned into "Game of Thrones". They're eager to check out the dwarf star.

* * *​

What do "The Sixth Sense" and "Game of Thrones" have in common?

Icy dead people.

* * *​

The first thing I notice when I open up my wallet is a picture of my wife and children. It reminds me why there's no money inside.

* * *​

Degenerate Joe, the town flasher, has considered retiring. Not just yet, though... he plans to stick it out for one more year.

* * *​

Last night, a single engine private plane crashed into a cemetery. Authorities report that 500 bodies have been recovered and that thousands more may still be found.

* * *​

I just saw a dance routine called The Electric Chair . The execution was fantastic!

* * *​

My neighbors disapprove of my anti-ink stance. They figure it makes me erasist.

* * *​

Ever read Trump's "Art of the Deal"? Strange book... it starts and ends at chapter 11.

* * *​

I went to a drag race the other day. Who would have believed those guys could run so fast in heels!

* * *​

I did a 6.9 with my girlfriend last night... mutual fun, interrupted by a period.

* * *​

If you want to start a conversation, bring up Global Warming. It's a guaranteed ice breaker.

* * *​

As a Republican, I fear for my safety if Hilary wins. Perhaps I'll move to Benghazi... at least I know she won't be coming after me.

* * *​

If Hilary wins, what does Bill become?

The First Laddie.