I've heard it said that alcohol kills brain cells, but I have to do something about my manias. I'll take a drink over medical treatment anytime, especially when it's on the house: I'd far rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.
* * *
A guy strolls into Baskin and Robbins, where a pretty young cashier waits behind the counter.
He: "Gimme a cup of mint chocolate chip, please."
She: "Sure! You wanna spoon?"
He: "Sounds good to me! What time do you get off?"
* * *
I try to live in a world where I don't see black or white. I guess that's why the CHP pulls me over so often.
* * *
Experts say that Global Warming will end us all, but I'm not so sure. The effects of heat aren't all that predictable; the same boiling water that softens up a potato will hard boil an egg.
* * *
My physics professor tells me I'm going to fail his class. That brought me up short; I spent a full 10 minutes quietly refracting.
* * *
It's recently been discovered that heat from the Mount Vesuvius eruption was so intense, it literally baked the brain of one of its victims into glass. Such a horrible fate... what an awful decision it was for him, moving to that doomed city. Bet he'd never make that mistake again... but then, he's thinking much more clearly now.
* * *
At my time of life, I feel tired all the time. I really can't complain... I've had so many good years.
* * *
Originally, the name of Hamlet's best friend was supposed to be Toby instead of Horatio. Shakespeare eventually thought better of that, but a remnant still survives in a scene where the Danish prince thinks he spots his pal on the horizon: "Toby or not Toby?"
* * *
Pet store owner: "I'm having a big promotional sale: dead parakeets!"
Shopper: "Dead parakeets?!"
Pet store owner: "Yeah, I expect to make a killing! They aren't going cheep!"
* * *
Everyone's trying to avoid the Coronavirus... everyone except Vin Diesel. After all those "Fast and Furious" movies, he figures he's been inoculated.
* * *
Brunette: "How's that history course going?"
Blonde: "Not so good. We're studying World War II."
Brunette: "So what's the hang-up?"
Blonde: "I just don't see why it's such a big deal! Our side had guns and atomic bombs; all the enemy had was axes!"
* * *
Son Goku of Dragon Ball fame once said: "I'd rather be a brainless beast than a heartless monster!" That's not exactly his motto... more like a super sayin'.
* * *
I don't think the coronavirus will last very long. After all, it's made in China.
* * *
1st caveman: "Look what I just invented! I call it a 'chair'."
2nd caveman: "Really! How do you use it?"
1st caveman: "You may want to sit down for this... "
* * *
I've been phoning around, trying to hire an S&M dominatrix for the weekend. So far, I have no idea how much exactly it will cost; all I've gotten are rough estimates.
* * *
God bless politicians! We gripe about them constantly, but no one can say they're not socially conscious. Did you know that each of them is a tissue donor? It's true! They all get rid of their spines as soon as they take office.
* * *
It was so cold outside, my ma told me to put on a wool cap and scarf. Last time I listen to her advice! I nearly froze without the rest of my clothing!
* * *
He: "Hey, babe, are the dishes in the dishwasher clean or dirty?"
She: "Well, what does it look like to you?"
He: "It looks like it's closed."
* * *
I once bought a fake Van Gogh self portrait. The style should have been a tip-off... it was ear-regular.
* * *
In 100 years, society will be so screwed up they may be tempted to thaw out all the cryogenically frozen geniuses to set things straight. Let's hope that cooler heads prevail.
* * *
A mob boss paid me to liquidate one of his rivals. I had a choice: shoot him or blow up his car. I opted to for gun... big mistake! The bullets moved so slowly that my target was able to get away. I'm in trouble now! Why oh why did I decide to use slugs?
* * *
When Jesus hosted the meal that would become the Last Supper, he left the chamber door ajar to let in a bit of fresh air. Judas noticed this and feared the approaching Roman soldiers might be spotted.
"Hey," he yelled at his boss, "what's with the open door? Were you born in a barn?"
Q: Why won't you find "Mud" on the Table of Periodic Elements?
A: Because you must always wash every time you come to the Table.
* * *
As a joke, I ran a bar-code reader over my buddies features to see how much he would cost. The look on his face was priceless!
* * *
Type-A women demand no-nonsense sex. It's a hard and fast rule.
* * *
I've developed a new fragrance for hermits... it's called Leave Me The Heck Cologne.
* * *
Q: Antman's abdominal pain was so bad, he was unable to shrink down far enough to fit through a keyhole. How did he get past the door?
A: He used ant acid.
* * *
This Valentine's Day, I plan to take my girlfriend out. Can anyone recommend a good replacement?
* * *
Mafia stooge: "Hey boss, some guys from that Jehovah church are at the door."
Mafia boss: "I told you before, dummy: no witnesses!"
* * *
My neighbor, a shepherd, came over to visit and brought 15 of his sheep onto my lawn. He seemed confused when I told him that he could stay but he had to get the flock out.
* * *
With regular flu, you do a lot of sneezin'; with coronavirus, you get both sneezin' and coffin.
* * *
I went to Wuhan, and all I got was this crummy t-shirt! God, I hope so anyway...
* * *
Q: How does James Bond ring a doorbell?
A: Dong. Ding Dong.
* * *
I missed my brother's birthday party, but he saved me a piece of cake. Just my luck... I got the one with PP on top.
* * *
Q: What did Pikachu say when he heard about Donald Trump's acquittal?
A: "Pikachu!"
* * *
Racers always hope for a strong tailwind. That's why beans is their recommended diet.
* * *
We'll never be able to fix global warming, and here's why: why.
* * *
My son just came out of the closet. Damn, I really need to fix that lock!
* * *
Q: Which fast food franchise should use Jack the Ripper as its mascot?
A: Chick-fil-A.
* * *
Jack the Ripper was more of a ladies' man that Casanova; he knew it's what's inside that counts.
* * *
The EU's looking pretty slim right now. I understand it lost a few pounds.
* * *
Batman won't travel to Nepal, but Cat Man do.
* * *
Both my neighbor's parents have a fair complexion, freckles and red hair. He's a ginger bred man.
* * *
My brother came home from the store last night to find that his porch light bulb had burned out. So what did the dummy do? Instead of going for his step ladder, he up-ended the 12-pack of soda he'd just bought and tried to change it from on top of that. Needless to say, it was too rickety; he toppled off, falling hard onto the concrete and breaking his leg. Moral to the story: it's a big mistake to get high on Coke.
I get tired far too easily... really gotta stop sleeping on the freeway.
* * *
In the suburbs, you'll see short, squat little creatures with beards. They're called gnomes and they stand around all day in gardens because they have no sense of rhythm. They exist in cities too, but there they do have a sense of rhythm and are able to visit the clubs. These are known as metro gnomes.
* * *
You can only drive halfway into our town. After that, you're driving out.
* * *
Never argue about price in a bordello... you're just wasting your fucking time.
* * *
I really shouldn't have been pestering those seabirds... when I came home from work, I found my whole kitchen covered in guano. The tables have clearly been terned.
* * *
Maternity doctor: "Would you like the baby's father to be with you during the birth?"
Expectant mom: "God no! It'd upset the hell out of my husband!"
* * *
I may be a 90 year old geezer, but I can think back on the first time I fondled a pair of bare breasts like it was yesterday! Oh, what sweet mammaries!
* * *
The Chinese takeout place next to my apartment is advertising something new: chicken balls. Man... they really do use every part of the bird.
* * *
I never should have tried driving out of Rome. I've been stuck here a week; all the roads have this weird design flaw...
* * *
Q: Why don't women have beards?
A: They do. It's in their jeans.
* * *
I really like shooting stars. My apartment has a great view of the theater where the Oscars ceremonies were held.
* * *
Batman is chasing his arch-enemy, when the villain turns to snarl, "One step closer and I'll block your knock off!"
"Geez!" Batman moans. "You're never gonna be a successful comedian if you keep blowing the punch line!"
* * *
We went to sea with three carriers and a dozen escorts. When we made port, we met with a dozen escorts and all of the were carriers.
* * *
Q: How hot does it get a a soul music festival?
A: Three Degrees, Four Tops.
* * *
They say a picture's worth a thousand words, but most professional photographers still insist on cash.
* * *
My brother lost his left arm, his left leg and his left eye in a terrible accident. That was a year ago... he's doing all right now.
* * *
Hear about the blonde who had a problem with flies in her house? She immediately called 911 and insisted on a SWAT team.
* * *
I've been hiding my sexual proclivities for so long, I finally decided to come out of the closet. Needless to say, my neighbor and his wife were outraged.
* * *
"Do you think that tiger from the Jungle Book movie will be able to track down Mowgli?"
"Sure can!"
* * *
I earn plenty of money buying up dilapidated mansions from former millionaires, then improving the property to a point where I can sell it for a huge profit. Successful though I am, I've been ostracized by the smart set; they feel that taking advantage of their fallen comrades makes me boorish. They may have a point... I have developed some really awful manors.
* * *
Mom had just finished ironing the laundry and was toting it the closet, when she tripped over an extension cord and spilled it all onto the floor. I was there; I saw the whole thing unfold.
* * *
A man decides to sunbathe at a nude beach, but he's still new to the idea and a little embarrassed. So for modesty's sake, he places his hat over his privates before stretching out on the sand. As he lies there, an 80 year old biddy decides to have some fun with him.
"In my day," she snickers, "a gentleman would raise his hat to a lady!"
"Maybe so," the guy replies. "And if your day wasn't so damn long ago, I'm sure it would raise itself."
Gandalf used to pay a group of underlings to do most of his menial wizard work. It wasn't until the War with Sauron that he lost his staff.
* * *
Jehovah's Witnesses get hungry going door-to-door and you'll frequently see them snacking throughout the day. Which junk food do they prefer? Mostly Ding Dongs.
* * *
Cannibal children play their kids' games, just as children in all societies do. There are differences, of course, but many of them will sound familiar: for instance, Swallow the Leader.
* * *
I told my kids to get into the car so I could take them to the state expo, where they could eat all the cotton candy they wanted and go on all the rides. Instead, I drove them to the doctor's for their checkups. Needless to say, they felt cheated; they said it just wasn't fair.
* * *
Lyndon Johnson was a great help in attracting gay Mexican-American males during John Kennedy's presidential campaign. A lot of it had to do with name recognition: El BJ.
* * *
As soon as our family turned nudist, my wife lost a lot of her incentive. Without any dresses to launder, she's become shiftless.
* * *
The difference between a cactus and school bus: with a cactus, all the little pricks are on the outside.
* * *
My brother's been working for years as an arborist at a landscaping firm and now he brags that he just got a big promotion to branch manager. Hard to see this as a step up... isn't it what he's been doing all along?
* * *
Hear about the baker who wants to make authentic Korean pastry? He's using Taekwon dough.
* * *
Q: What does a non-believer use to stir his Christmas beverage?
A: An eggnog stick.
* * *
I promised to help my cousin get even with the drug dealers who framed him. Well, I'm here to tell you that what they did was wrong! Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong! As you can see, I'm mighty good at writing wrongs.
* * *
Q: The Scots Guards are always on the move. Why do they march so much?
A: To get away from the bagpipes.
* * *
I'm sick to death of people coming to my door, asking if I've found Jesus. It wasn't my business to watch him and if they didn't want him to get away, they should have used more nails.
* * *
Spartans make lousy cashiers... they neither give nor do they accept any quarter.
* * *
I'd like to visit the International Space Station, but authorities have placed in an orbit that's higher than my rocket can reach. Why? It's beyond me!
* * *
School principal: "This is Zero-Tolerance Week. I want you to get up in front of your class and deliver a stern lecture on marijuana."
Teacher: "I'll do my best. But weed always tends to mellow me out."
* * *
The Ents came late into the War for Middle Earth; they couldn't figure out which side to root for.
* * *
"Is this a smoke shop?"
"No, it's a tailor shop; clothes, but no cigar."
* * *
For years I've been making sandwiches the usual way, with two pieces of bread. I've been looking for someone with only one slice so we can form a club.
* * *
Ever hear about the Russian trailhand? The rest of the cowboys called him Old O Leg.
* * *
I bought three fish for dinner and foolishly left them in the kitchen with my cat. What did I find when I got back?... tuna half.
* * *
My little son wants his own computer, but I'm dead set against it. I won't allow him to pursue any activity that puts him in contact with PDF files.
Springtime makes me feel like a little kid again! Before I've even gotten out of my front yard, I've wet my plants!
* * *
"Stumble, Forest, stumble!": line from the motion picture "Forest Gimp".
* * *
My puppy was so sick, I had to carry it all the way to the pet hospital. Fortunately, once I was inside the examining room, I was able to put it down.
* * *
Remember the Burn Your Bra movement in the '60s? It wasn't around long... must have been lack of support.
* * *
My ex-girlfriend was shaped like a cantaloupe and had a face like a dog. I called her my melon/collie baby.
* * *
My new girlfriend, on the other hand, has a lot in common with turtles... whenever she ends up on her back, she's screwed.
* * *
Never be a'feared o' snakes. They're completely 'armless.
* * *
I always hear the sound of music when I pin on my old Medal of Honor, and why not! It's war-bling!
* * *
Amy Klobucahr frets more over smut than she does guns. She's always thinking about dick in the deer stand.
* * *
I give my girlfriend dark chocolate for Valentine's Day every year. She finds the holiday bittersweet.
* * *
Men are a lot like floor tiles: you can walk all over them as long as you lay them properly.
* * *
I haven't seen "Avengers Endgame" yet, but I think it's about time.
* * *
The well known Tyrannosaurus rex goes by a variety of names: Tyrannosaur, T-rex, Rexy, Tyrant Lizard, Tyrant King, etc. This brute is so popular, he might be the saurus.
* * *
My dad left home when I was very young and my mom bragged she could be both a mother and father to me. If you ask me, she made a terrible faux pa.
* * *
Hitler came to power in Germany, but he'd rather have done it in his home country of Austria. He always thought of it as his birth Reich.
* * *
My dad died a hero during 911. He was one of the finest pilots al-Qaeda ever had!
* * *
Playstation plans to adapt Rocket Raccoon into a new PS4 game. They'll be calling it "The Adventures of Trash Pandicoot".
* * *
My mom called the cops one day when she caught my brother and me misbehaved. They arrived to find me licking batteries and him reading porn. I was charged, but my brother got off.
* * *
It's a rule in the theater: always leave them wanting more. That is, of course, unless it's an operating theater and you're an anesthetist.
* * *
I have the memory of an elephant; I distinctly recall seeing one at the zoo when I was a kid.
* * *
Some smart-ass called last night to ask if my refrigerator was running. Well, I checked and it must have been... the milk in the carton had turned to butter.
* * *
My son and I were watching a movie last night when an erotic scene started.
"Boy," I said, "it's time for you to go to bed."
"What for?" he countered. "Dad, I'm 20 years old!"
"I don't care how old you are!" I snapped back. "I still don't want you to watch me jerk off!"
Paleontologists have to work long hours in blazing sun and freezing cold when they excavate dinosaur fossils. So think carefully before you become one... you're liable to get'cher ass sick.
* * *
For his 80th birthday, I gave my granddad a gag cigar, an El Kerosino. He really loves cigars... you should have seen his face light up!
* * *
William Conrad played Matt Dillon on radio. He had a great voice, but he was too chubby for the role when "Gunsmoke" moved to TV. So, the producers were forced to cast a slimmer actor. That's how the old expression got started: where there's a Will, there's a weigh.
* * *
I'm greatly concerned about the environment... those damn trees are planning something shady, I just know it!
* * *
Q: Why did Jesus nibble the palms of his hands?
A: That's how he bites his nails.
* * *
My sister's boyfriend is a cannibal. Damn, I wish she hadn't invited him to my birthday celebration; everyone tells me he's a party pooper.
* * *
A guy in the clubhouse shower-room is stunned to see one of the fellow members strip down to a bra and pair of panties.
"Wow!" he marvels, "How long have been wearing women's underwear?"
The second guys sighs.
"Since my wife found 'em in our car's glove compartment."
* * *
Try as I might, I just can't sing any part of the Hallelujah Chorus... it's just too hard to Handel.
* * *
Q: What's the difference between a snowman and a snow-woman?
A: If you're making a snow-woman, you only need 79% as much snow.
* * *
I picked up a book at the library today: "A Short History of Luminosity". Should be perfect for a little light reading.
* * *
Q: Wizards can see Dementors; Muggles can't. But what can Muggles see that Wizards can't?
A: What's behind the Dementors.
* * *
The cops are after me, but I don't think they'll ever catch me. The dummies don't even have my right name. They're looking for some guy called Lester... Moe Lester.
* * *
Is it really such a shock the children seem to be immune to the Coronavirus? None of them are old enough to drink.
* * *
Day in, day out, six days a week, the damn factory has me busy making Hollandaise. You might say I'm egg-sauce Ted.
* * *
Scientists have added a 119th element to the periodic table. This one's called Unexpectium... it's the element of surprise.
* * *
I'm having lunch at the Mesa Grill in Las Vegas and the waitress just brought me the wrong order. Hope they straighten this out... I sure don't wanna sue Flay.
* * *
My brother got into big fight some guy who digs coal for a living. Doesn't sound too serious... he didn't receive anything but miner injuries.
* * *
After that, he managed to accidentally shoot himself. He was cleaning his target longbow and didn't realize it was loaded.
* * *
King Yertle made a tower out of his subjects that he wanted to reach higher than the moon. Needless to say, it wasn't very stable... the whole project was a turtle disaster.
* * *
My dad considers me a failure even though I make 6 figures a year! He just doesn't understand how challenging those superhero model kits are.
* * *
I've come up with my own special eating regimen. I call it the Get Fit Diet. It's very simple... I don't eat anything I can't get to fit in my mouth.
* * *
My folks like my fiance so much, they're already treating her like a daughter. My mom in particular... she's busy trying to find a nice man for her to marry.
My wife claims she's a better shopper than I am. She says she knows where to buy a whole carton of baby powder for only 10 bucks. Well I say talc is cheap.
* * *
Joseph was a master carpenter and could build furniture without guidance, but Mary carried Emmanuel.
* * *
My brother's working of a speculative novel in which Roger McGuinn, David Crosby and Mick Jagger all die in a plane crash. He plans to kill two Byrds with one Stone.
* * *
Q: What's the first thing you know?
A: Old Jed's a millionaire.
* * *
One of the guys at work is of Mexican/Japanese parentage. He greets me each morning with a hardy "Konnichihuahua!"
* * *
When using this medication, you may experience an increased sense of irritation, along with soreness in your arms and fingers. Damn these child-proof caps!
* * *
In my off hours, I help blind children. So please excuse me... it's time to go sharpen the spikes.
* * *
The camp cook always makes the colonel's favorite: boysenberry pie. He's the unit's most wanted desserter.
* * *
Joseph Stalin was buried in a grave 30 feet beneath the surface of the earth. It's funny... deep down he's not such a bad guy.
* * *
You may have noticed that when geese migrate in a "V" formation, one side is always longer than the other. Scientists have been trying to discover the reason for that, and really there's a very simple answer: there happen to be more geese on that side.
* * *
The coronavirus has caused suicide rates to skyrocket: serial killers are now being forced to work at home.
* * *
Henhouses are such bureaucracies... there are so many layers.
* * *
Are you suffering from the delusion that you are being stalked... that assassins may even be hiding inside your very bedroom? Well I'm here to tell you that you're not alone.
* * *
Q: What's twice as bad as breaking a mirror?
A: Breaking a condom. That brings 18 years of bad luck.
* * *
My wife devastated me by accusing me of infidelity. Thank god I had my girlfriend for emotional support.
* * *
In the realm of world commerce, it's foolish to bet on the man from New York with his Yankee dollar. You should have chosen the guy from Seoul... the South Korean won!
* * *
Ever since Helium was discovered, it's use has been ballooning.
* * *
No wonder stores are running out of toilet paper... one person sneezes, and everyone shits themselves.
* * *
Wild colts run great risk by frolicking in a wilderness filled with hungry bears and wolves, but they'll always take the chance. They're the most reckless gambolers in the animal kingdom.
* * *
Toilet paper is such a hot commodity lately, I've amassed a tidy sum by charging 10 cents for a single a square. Congratulate me... I've been on a roll for days!
* * *
If you ever take too much Viagra, here's a simple cure. Just smack your ankle with a hammer... it's sure to make you limp.
* * *
The recommended diet for coronavirus patients is pizza and flatjacks. Not that these foods are particularly nutritious, but they're the easiest to slide under locked doors.
Shop owner: "Yeah, but it won't be cheap. How much do much do you want?"
Shopper: "None. Just clean your hands and get me a loaf of bread."
* * *
I didn't know my girlfriend couldn't read before I bought her a new rack full of fancy spices. As a result, her recent meals have tasted so weird that I'm seriously thinking about dumping her: she doesn't know it yet, but her thyme is cumin.
* * *
Because of the coronavirus scare, nobody's going to the gyms, the barber shops or beauty parlors anymore. I tell ya, it's gettin' ugly out there.
* * *
Satan: "Welcome to Hell, sinner! It must be quite a shock to find out just what a loser you are!"
Sinner: "I'm a loser? Hey, I'm not the one still living in my dad's basement!"
* * *
Q: Why did Baby Ruth enroll in confectionery college?
A: She wanted to be a smartie.
* * *
The origins of coronavirus have been traced back to an infected bat. A bat, threatening the survival of humanity... the world's been turned upside down!
* * *
The bat may not have been able to escape coronavirus, but the bird flu.
* * *
Interviewer: "Young lady, what's your opinion on the plight of the elderly?"
Blonde: "Well I think it's just awful! Seems to me that medical scientists should figure out a way to youthenize them."
* * *
Remember the Flying Nun? She taught the rest of her convent to fly too... on windy days, you'd see them all zooming across the skies, terrifying locals and tourists. It was an undeniable cloister flock.
* * *
My wife says I'm a clueless moron. This is quite surprising to me... I didn't know I was married!
* * *
In the wake of our current health crisis, no one shakes hands or speaks to others anymore: sharing is scaring.
* * *
The Chinese people don't believe in Santa Claus. That's because they know for sure who makes all the toys.
* * *
A wealthy Navajo rancher bought a big spread in North Dakota, but left after the first snowfall. He couldn't stand the thought of anything white settling on his land.
* * *
Q: What should you do if you have a bucket of blue paint that's too heavy to lift?
A: Don't empty it; instead, mix in some white paint. That will make it light blue.
* * *
St. Patrick's Day is a perfect holiday to celebrate the birth of coronavirus... green beer to go with the green meat.
* * *
People in farm country are a lot wilder than city folks. The way I hear it, they're constantly throwing a ho down.
* * *
Go into any retail store and you'll see shelves empty of toilet paper, mostly because of hoarders and resellers. So, what makes toilet paper so attractive? That's simple: it's designed for assholes.
* * *
The stuff that makes up the Dog Star is nothing to joke about. Believe me, it's a Sirius matter.
* * *
Author Joe Hill has worked to hide his true identity; he isn't eager to be be compared with his father, Stephen King. I can see his point... people would probably not take him seriously if they knew he was Joe King.
* * *
Rural bees are hard workers, staying healthy and fit. They live in a bee hive. Urban bees succumb to many temptations, becoming lazy and fat. They live in a bee city.
* * *
Q: How can you tell your toilet's running?
A: Just look at it... it's flushed.
* * *
In April of 2020, aliens finally land on Earth. One of the extraterrestrial crew clambers out of his saucer, looks around and says to his companion, "What a terrible catastrophe! Everyone on this planet is dead!"
"Yeah," replies the second alien. "But look how clean their asses are!"
I just had one of the contacts on my car battery tested and it came back positive. I'm afraid it might be terminal.
* * *
When Hitler became chancellor of Germany, he issued an order to buy up gallon after gallon of acetone. He'd heard it was a first-rate Polish remover
* * *
I've heard it said that women prefer their men over 6 feet. That's really caught on... nowadays, everyone prefers everyone over 6 feet.
* * *
Last week, my granddad laughed at me when I told him we should stay 6 feet apart. Alas, this week it's the closest I'll ever get to him.
* * *
It's unlikely Kylo Ren will ever catch the coronavirus. That's because he's Ben Solo.
* * *
Last night I caught my wife in bed with another man. Needless to say, I was furious... I was trying desperately to get some sleep.
* * *
My 4 year old son asked me where he came from, so I told him he was delivered by a stork. Now he wants to know what kind of pervert I am for having sex with a bird.
* * *
What a strange world we live in... one guy in China fixes a meal, but it's all the rest of us who are washing our hands.
* * *
I've been hiding inside my house for two weeks now to avoid the coronavirus, but I don't think it worked. The isolation has driven me batty.
* * *
A worldwide conference of medical experts is being held to address the coronavirus crisis. I don't know that I can take it seriously... WHO's on first.
* * *
I waited all decade and figured that 2019 would be the last of the teens. Surprise, surprise... this year is the first of a new decade of teens... the quaren-teens.
* * *
My gay cousin just came out three weeks ago; now everyone's telling him to get back inside.
* * *
You'll often see traffic cops sob while writing out tickets. That's because of the moving violations.
* * *
Q: I've heard it said that the Egyptian pyramids built from huge rectangular stones. Is that accurate?
A: Yes... but only up to a point.
* * *
Did you know that a simple plant that can prevent the spread of COVID-19? Well, it's true: plant your ass on the couch and stay indoors.
* * *
Society has changed radically because of coronavirus. Up till now, it had been considered a virtue to spread possitivity.
* * *
Real butter makes for better baked goods 99% of the time. Of course, there's always a margarine for error.
* * *
After much study, astronomers have determined the way that stars finally die: the most common cause is drug abuse.
* * *
There are warnings about coronavirus going all the way back to the Bible: "Though shalt not COVID thy neighbor's wife... "
* * *
Life is a lot like golf: the fewer strokes you have, the better.
* * *
When my twins wouldn't eat their vegetables and I asked my wife what to do about it, she told me, "Just throw 'em out." That seemed like a pretty radical solution... Timmy and Tommy have been with us 10 years.
* * *
Joke of the day: coronavirus. But that's an inside joke, so not everyone will get it.
The dermatological condition was quite pleased to see the patch of clean skin once again. As it approached, it was overheard to say, "Howdy, friend! Let me tell you, you're a site for psoriasis!"
* * *
COVID-19 has hit strip clubs hard. These institutions are now clothed until further notice.
* * *
My neighbor is desperately stocking up on supplies for Cinco de Mayo, just in case there are still shortages when the holiday finally arrives. It's hispanic buying.
* * *
It's quite easy to tell which residents of an ant-hill have children: if you see only one going throughout its daily routine alone, you know it's a solo ant; see two working in unison, and they're clearly pair ants.
* * *
My cousin used to play this annoying little game in the movie theater: holding his breath in underwater scenes to see if he could outlast the guy onscreen. The idiot died when we went to see "Finding Nemo".
* * *
Paradoxically, if you put a builder on an extremely tight schedule, he'll always have enough material for the job. That's because he's shittin' bricks.
* * *
I bought a high-end private plane simply so my rivals would stare at it with envy. It's a leer jet.
* * *
Slave master: "Just because you're a galley slave doesn't mean we won't let you make a few decisions for yourself. Why side of the ship would you prefer to sit on?"
Galley slave: "Ehhh... either oar."
* * *
Damn grocery shortage! I went the market today, but there wasn't anything left except at the cold cuts counter. Shopping has become a wurst-case scenario.
* * *
No wonder baseball's never taken off in China... they keep eating the bats.
* * *
I took my first trip by Greyhound last week. Not surprisingly, we were behind a VW Rabbit the whole way.
* * *
A bunch of Olympic wrestlers entered a convenience store just as it was being robbed. The crook might have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for those medalling kids.
* * *
Hear about the blonde who bought a water bed? To make it extra-firm, she filled it with spring water.
* * *
April Fool's Day... that day of the year when neighborhood kids TP my house. Well, I had my hopes up anyway.
* * *
We were taught in History Class that the zeppelin Hindenburg went up in flames. The instructor even showed some film footage to prove that it was true. Well, I think it proved just the opposite: the damn thing was going down the whole time.
* * *
Jobs have been scarce lately, so I accepted a position as the cuckoo in a cuckoo clock. The work doesn't pay much, but it at least it gets me out of the house.
* * *
Evidently, baked beans are really good for your eyes. Everyone knows that Heinz sight is 2020.
* * *
All this time spent indoors hasn't been completely wasted; so far, I've finished four books. The problem now is that I'm starting to run out of crayons.
* * *
The difference between meat and fish? Try beating your fish, and you'll kill it.
* * *
Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day; teach a man to fish, and he'll eat for a lifetime. Give a man a duck, and he'll eat for a day; teach a man to duck, and he'll never be assassinated.
* * *
China has instituted a brand new policy. It's called the One Grandparent Rule.
According to the Mayan Calendar, the world was supposed to end in 2012. It's now been determined that was a typo... it was supposed to read 2021.
* * *
Being cooped up with my folks so long has really rubbed my dad the wrong way; this morning, he threatened to slap me into next year. Promises, promises...
* * *
Alcohol sales have gone up markedly since the beginning of the coronavirus pandemic. It certainly is comforting to know that people are disinfecting so much!
* * *
My sister's attending an abstinence group for blatherskites. It's called On And On Anon.
* * *
Marie Curie was a genius, but Einstein was determined to prove that he was twice as smart... E=mc2.
* * *
My wife is trying a rice-mask beauty treatment. I can see why rice would be the perfect ingredient for facial application; it's so easy to pilaf.
* * *
A nun enters the chapel to find the pastor vigorously masterbating.
"Oh my God!" she gasps in horror. "Sunday school is about to start! Think of the children!"
The priest snarls at her furiously, "Whadda you think I'm doing!"
* * *
Historians say Mozart was a classical composer, but I suspect he was really a gangsta rapper. Why else would he associate with a Wolf Gang?
* * *
Magician David Copperfield lost his magic and a lot has changed for him; everyone's now calling him Ian David Copperfield.
* * *
A domestic servant isn't born, she's maid.
* * *
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Only for essential items! Not for any trivial or social purpose, I swear!
* * *
The seven dwarfs promoted Snow White for Supreme Court Justice of Fairyland. She was, after all, the fairest one of all.
* * *
Doctor: "I'm sorry to have to tell you that your wife's test results got mixed up with someone else's. We don't know if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease."
Husband: "So what do I do now?"
Doctor: "Take her for a long walk and leave her. If she finds her way back, don't let her in."
* * *
One of my cardiac patients inquired desperately about the possibility of a transplant. I wanted to say something encouraging, but I just didn't have the heart.
* * *
A Christian, a Muslim and a Jew walk into a bar. Man, those were the days...
* * *
Al qaeda has started a sideline: they're manufacturing inflatable sex dolls. Pumps aren't necessary with this model... they blow themselves up.
* * *
Q: Who is Professor +?
A: Professor X doing a wheelie.
* * *
Q: How many rednecks does it take to open a beer?
A: None. The cap better damn well be off when she brings it!
* * *
2020 is supposed to be "perfect" vision. Well, I don't think anyone saw this coming!
* * *
You just can't rely on flat earthers. They're never 'round.
* * *
No matter how dark things look now, the future is bright! Like supernova bright!
* * *
I used to steal these jokes. I still do, mind you ... just want to let you know I've always done it.
My wife suffers from a drinking problem. She isn't an alcoholic... she suffers from my drinking problem.
* * *
Blonde: "Is there anything seriously wrong with my car?"
Mechanic: "Nope. Just crap in the carburetor."
Blonde: "If you say so. How often?"
* * *
My girlfriend called the other day and said, "Nobody's home. Come on over!" Obviously I didn't.... who wants to sit around in an empty house!
* * *
The letters F and H suddenly exploded. I suppose we should have seen that coming after G had.
* * *
My uncle's spent 4 straight years in the bath. He doesn't get much exercise that way... obviously, he's rather tubby.
* * *
Q: What did the fish say when it swam into a concrete wall?
A: "This dam thing is creating environmental impact!"
* * *
Last time I eat at that restaurant! They may offer free booze, but my steak is always underdone! In other words, the spirit's willing, but the flesh is weak.
* * *
An exciting new title just hit the bookstores: "Fools Rush In", by Hugo Furst.
* * *
This summer, I'll be moving to Greenwich, England. There's plenty to do in the mean time.
* * *
If you get an anonymous email entitled "Topics of the Day", don't bother to open it... it's a virus.
* * *
My uncle has a very unusual career: he polishes the gears and removes the grease from clock towers. Quite a successful profession... he's cleaning up big time.
* * *
It's a sad fact that hoarders tend to be proud of their over purchasing, even with all the isolation and paranoia that go along with it. But that's typical in stock home syndrome.
* * *
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: KFC is delivering now.
* * *
Most normal people drink cows milk, which is considered dairy. Lactose intolerant folks can drink soy or almond milk. That's non-dairy. However, really discerning people will want to try unicorn milk! It's legen-dairy!
* * *
I'm a big supporter of plant-based power! I can't decide if I like coal-fire or nuclear plants the best!
* * *
Shakespeare was actually a professional wrestler in his youth... he was famous for his encyclopedic understanding of pinfalls. That's why he was known as Know-holds bard.
* * *
I'll be starting work soon at a suicide hotline and it may not be what I expected. My supervisor told me to come in tomorrow so he can show me the ropes.
* * *
King Arthur didn't accept Excalibur until one of his knights had examined it first and delivered his opinion. He wouldn't use any blade that wasn't Sir rated.
* * *
My secretary reminds me of my wife. Every time I put the moves on her, she hollers, "Knock it off, jerk! You're married!"
* * *
Princess Fiona didn't find Lord Farquaad attractive. He lacked Shrek's appeal.
* * *
I went to Whole Foods and got myself a loaf of sliced bread. Damn liars!
* * *
Blonde: "Before we start dating, I have to know: do you have any little kids?"
Guy: "Yes... one less than two."
Blonde: "Hey smarty! I may be blond, but I know how much 'one' is!"
I went to dinner with a blind date last night, and guess what? Butterflies in my stomach! To explain, I weigh 400 lbs... butter always flies in my stomach.
* * *
I was attacked by a flock of Monarchs yesterday... needed butterfly stitches.
* * *
Ulysses S. Grant once said, "I have never advocated war except as a means of peace." That's pretty sound advice, generally speaking.
* * *
I lost a whole month of work in March and expect to lose another between April and May. After all, 4/20 is the same as 5/25.
* * *
I suspect the Prime Minister of Canada of anti-privacy policies. His name first made me suspicious: Justin Truding.
* * *
Somebody broke into my home and stole my limbo stick. How low can you get!
* * *
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road.
A: That bird wasn't to be trusted. He's crossed everybody!
* * *
The stationary store owner tried to sell me a pen that he claimed could write underwater. Well, he didn't make the sale; after all, I can use any regular pen to write that word.
* * *
Social distancing advises us to stay 6 feet apart, but does that apply to skin diving too? Probably; to get any closer would be unfathomable.
* * *
Anyone else eager to watch Sesame Street? I wanna see a show of hands!
* * *
Furry versions of Charles Schulz's Peanuts gang sound innocent enough, but they're positively demonic! Just wait till you see Lucy-Fur!
* * *
Good thing there's medical marijuana... otherwise there'd be no treatment for my severe medical condition. I'm a hopeless pot addict.
* * *
Q: Who said, "To be or not to be? That is the question!"
A: Schrödinger, working on his thesis.
* * *
"It's over," she said and walked out on me. I don't know why she insists on doing that; hasn't she ever heard of post-credit scenes?
* * *
To protect himself from Miss Piggy's karate, Kermit has decided to take up martial arts too. If she doesn't behave herself, he might just deliver a pork chop.
* * *
My wife wanted to get in touch with her dead uncle, so she dragged me out to see a medium. Hope it worked... the gal seemed more like a triple-large to me.
* * *
I strongly suspect that Santa Claus is Jewish. That would explain how he could fit through a chimney.
* * *
Espresso just isn't my cup of tea. It's my half-cup of coffee.
* * *
There's been some confusion lately as to whether the father or son is in charge of North Korea. Reports are that Kim Jong Un is Il.
* * *
Never ask a Roman for a high five. He'll give you HIV.
Somebody kept passing gas at our last family gathering. I suspect my cousin... he was the one with the windbreaker.
* * *
There are two kinds of people in the world: the first is, the second isn't.
* * *
Dirty Harry was one of the most considerate police officers ever. He was always extremely concerned about how crime suspects were feeling.
* * *
Even though our local shawarma joint got sited by the Health Department doesn't mean I don't patronize them. I falafel regularly.
* * *
Q: How did Spiderman get to be so pithy?
A: He owns a Webster's Dictionary.
* * *
I've tried and tried to think of a joke about social distancing... I'm afraid this is as close as I can come.
* * *
Japanese news sources say that Kim Jong Un is in a vegetative state. I don't know if that's completely true... he could turnip eventually.
* * *
My sister-in-law and her lover murdered my brother... he died of Sam 'n' Ella poisoning.
* * *
Everything in life is easier said than done... unless, of course, your sister sells sea shells and the sea shore.
* * *
The folks living in my town can't be buried in our local cemetery. God, I hope not anyway... the idea of burying living people is grotesque.
* * *
The Joker finally succeeded in running over Batman and Robin with a steamroller. They're now known as Flatman and Ribbon.
* * *
It's easy to find humorous aspects of mundane things. The amusing and the average go hand-in-hand: that's why they named the profession "co-median".
* * *
Q: What has two legs and runs, but can't walk on its own?
A: A pair of tights.
* * *
My grandma is 90 years old and has never used glasses. She drinks straight from the bottle.
* * *
Library patron: "Got any books by Jack Kevorkian?"
Librarian: "Yes, but we don't lend them out anymore. Nobody ever brings them back."
* * *
My wife thinks she's pregnant. She doesn't know for sure; it's just a gut feeling.
* * *
Hear about the woodcutter who went into the magic forest to find a talking tree? He wanted it to dialogue.
* * *
Prostitutes ought to be allowed to work during the quarantine. They provide a sensual labor.
* * *
"I'm a bit worried about my grandpa in Scotland. He wrote yesterday to say he had a wee cough."
"He should complain! I'm going through my second month!"
* * *
During my recent trip to the beach, I was attacked by a dolphin. To put a positive spin on the experience, I choose to think of it as a-sea-ssault.
* * *
My son isn't doing too well with the current online learning. When he went to an actual school, he got A's and B's; now he's getting C's and D's. I'm not sure he doesn't have the COVID... the first sign is supposed to be a low-grade fever.
* * *
"Where is Kim Jong Un?" the world wants to know. Well, I have my suspicions: in a Kim Jong Urn.
I hate to have to kiss anyone's ass, but you know the old saying: when life gives you lemons, pucker up.
* * *
Daffy Duck's least favorite movie: "Kill Bill".
* * *
My uncle, a railway engineer, thinks he could easily quarterback a professional football team. The way he sees it, he's been in training most of his life.
* * *
Detective: "You're under arrest for stealing and entire set of encyclopedias!"
Suspect: "Wait! I can explain everything!"
* * *
I don't think the Spanish understand the talking animals in Warner Brothers cartoons. Why else would they constantly be asking, "Porque pig?"
* * *
"I need three square feet of turf. Now where am I gonna find that?"
"You might try looking at a yard sale."
* * *
It said "Black tie only" on the invitation. Imagine my confusion when I found the rest of the guests wearing shirts and pants!
* * *
If you've never before seen a Star Wars film, you may think that Chewbaca is an Ewok. It's a classic Wookie mistake.
* * *
Antifa condemns me simply because I said that I could happily do away with an entire race. I never knew they were such big fans of Nascar.
* * *
Behavioral scientists have been conducting tests to study the affects of cannabis on seabirds. It's quite exhaustive: they're leaving no tern unstoned.
* * *
When Neil Armstrong landed on the moon, he was heard to say, "One small step for man; one giant leap for mankind." Since "man" and "mankind" are basically the same thing, he later claimed that the transmission had been garbled. What he really said was, "No damn way a cow could ever jump over this!"
* * *
When the Lone Ranger sent Tonto up ahead to spy out the trail, he made history. He became the first person ever to use a search Injun.
* * *
I can't use wooden utensils in my frying pan... it's non-stick.
* * *
Q: What is the best pistol to use when threatening Dwayne Johnson?
A: The smallest one. It'll hurt less when he jams it up your ass.
* * *
After 328 days cooped up aboard the International Space Station, astronaut Christina Koch has returned to Earth. Bet she's happy for the opportunity to get out be among people again!
* * *
Nut to bolt: "Nope! Not without a washer!"
* * *
Franklin Roosevelt is generally considered to be one the best US presidents, but it sounds to me like he was a pervert. Why else would he be so obsessed with a nude eel?
* * *
Since the nuclear bomb tests, the Marshal Islands have become popular for nude sunbathing: no bikini at all.
* * *
My fishing buddy claims we can catch more trout if we take the worms off our hooks. I think that's debaitable.
* * *
Witnesses didn't see the murder take place, but did hear it. They described the sounds as "clip, clop, clip, clop, clip, clop, pow! pow! pow! clip, clop, clip clop". Detectives determined that it must have been an Amish drive-by shooting.
* * *
My wife insists on jogging right after sex. That woman... give her an inch and she'll take a mile!
* * *
I'm so into social distancing now, I'm even doing it with my fridge. I figure it's the best way to flatten the curve.
Abolish the Law of Gravity, man! The only reason it's there is to keep us down!
* * *
My girlfriend plans to take part in a wet t-shirt contest. She's determined to win... even if competition is fierce, I'm sure she'll pull it off.
* * *
Crooks broke into a German bakery and got away with a large supply of fruit bread. Every bit of it was Stollen.
* * *
"I'm afraid I have some terrible news about your wife."
"B... but she just went out to get a gallon of milk!"
"I know. She was killed in a traffic accident while on her way to the store."
"Oh my God, I can't believe it! What am I supposed to put on my corn flakes tomorrow!"
* * *
My cousin, a double amputee, evidently lost his sense of humor after the operation. He just won't laugh at any of my jokes. Too bad, too; most of 'em are knee-slappers!
* * *
The myth that a cat has nine lives is evidently a mistranslation from the original German. There, when puss bites the dust, it has nein lives.
* * *
I plan to take off five pounds once the quarantine is over. That's right, I'll be visiting a barber.
* * *
Physicist Stephen Hawking appeared in several episodes of "The Simpsons". It was the partial fulfillment of a lifelong dream... he always wanted to be a stand-up comic. Unfortunately, the best he could manage was a sitcom.
* * *
I gave my 2-year old a toy doctor's kit for her birthday. My wife thought she might be too young to appreciate it, but there she was afterward play Peekaboo, ICU!
* * *
Q: Which is faster, a broiled chicken or a frozen one?
A: The hot one... it's all too easy to catch a cold.
* * *
If you don't know whether to use the word "which" or "witch", ask a sorceress. She'll be happy to use her spell-check.
* * *
Ice cream trucks are prone to crash on rural routes. It's the hazards of the rocky road.
* * *
My son's just turned that age where he's becoming curious about the human body. Guess I got no choice now but to bury it in the basement.
* * *
Never place yogurt on the same shelf where you keep penicillin. They just don't get along... one is probiotic, the other antibiotic.
* * *
This Ancient History course is boring my ass off. It's to be expected when the teacher tends to Babylon.
* * *
Q: If H20 is water, what is H204?
A: Quenching your thirst.
* * *
I haven't smiled or laughed much since my wife's funeral. But you can't expect to have fun like that every day.
* * *
The Germans are well known for their ingratitude. They're entirely merciless.
* * *
Our church put on a play about Jesus and I was cast as the Messiah. However, I have red hair which didn't fit the traditional depiction. An hour in the makeup chair solved that problem. It confused my parents, but the director explained everything: "Your son dyed for our scenes."
* * *
April showers used to bring May flowers. This year, April disease brings killer bees.
* * *
Q: What sound does a Murder Hornet make when it smacks into your windshield?
Industrialists and environmentalists may not see eye to eye, but they'll always have this in common: a preoccupation with green.
* * *
My doctor told me that if I wanted to lose weight I had to learn to say "no". That's all very well and good, but my wife won't cooperate... she keeps asking things like, "Haven't you had enough yet?"
* * *
Christian missionaries are making great strides in New Guinea... the cannibals are now saying grace before eating them.
* * *
Cannibals make for poor Christian converts. Once you've had the real thing, you aren't going to be satisfied with crackers and grape juice.
* * *
One missionary in the African veldt called his superiors to report that he'd taught the lions to stop preying. They couldn't figure out if that was good or bad news.
* * *
See the dogwood tree? You can tell by its bark.
* * *
Did I ever tell you about the time I bought some weed on the street corner and I handed the kid a 50 instead of a 20? I took a huge hit that day!
* * *
Red Riding Hood couldn't have been much of a granddaughter... not if she had trouble telling her own grandmother from a wolf in a pajamas.
* * *
The Good Book says "Love thy neighbor". That's easy for me; I live next to a bordello.
* * *
Rumor has it that you'll find a crock of gold at the end of a rainbow. Must be 'cause the leprechaun was sentenced to prism.
* * *
Our son may have my wife's good looks, but he's got my brains. In fact he just implanted them inside a killer robot.
* * *
Treebeard the Ent had a set of legs, but he couldn't walk very gracefully. Travelers would often see him lumbering through the forest.
* * *
How do I feel about illegal Mexican immigration? Let's just say I'm on the fence.
* * *
I got really loaded last night and made a bar bet that I could swallow my own dentures. Man, that'll come back to bite me in the ass!
* * *
A stallion trots into a supermarket.
"Hey!" cries the grocer.
"You read my mind!" the horse replies.
* * *
Archaeologists tell us that the very first money was carved out of rocks. Ancient people would trade these crude coins for turnips and potatoes. It was a good deal... they'd get tubers with one stone.
* * *
Interviewer: "Holy Father, what do you think when people call you a theist?"
Pope: "You crazy? Nobody says I'm atheist!"
* * *
How did Tolkien come to write Lord of the Rings? Well, it's a long story...
* * *
Q: By what means does the Man in the Moon get his hair cut?
A: Eclipse.
* * *
Not all of Michael Jackson's childlike behavior was endearing. Did you know that he frequently picked his nose? It's true; his plastic surgeon had a wide selection.
* * *
My wife asked if we had enough chips for the party. I could find only one bag, so I banged it on the counter. Now there's twice as many!
* * *
There's been some talk of giving Joe Biden the Clock Face Test to determine if he has Alzheimer's. That may not be fair... from what I hear, he only does digital.
I've tried for weeks to come up with a word to describe something that can be both short and long and finally come up with one that fits perfectly: shlong.
* * *
Q: Did the Egyptian laborers use much special technology to install Tutankhamun in his tomb?
A: It took a Pharaoh mount.
* * *
I asked my great granddad if he was concerned at all about his constitution. He told me it was just the opposite... he was much more interested in his prostitution.
* * *
Right butt cheek to left butt cheek: "Stick with me and we can stop some nasty shit from goin' down."
* * *
My friend invited me over to stay the week and told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out... I really can't stand company.
* * *
The escalator in our local mall quit working. What a pain; I wish they'd put in a set of stairs instead.
* * *
You know what they say about the coronavirus... I hope you do anyway, 'cause they never told me.
* * *
A horse saunters into a bar. The barman drawls, "Hey, why the long face?"
The horse is incapable of understanding human speech. It takes a dump on the floor and leaves.
* * *
I went to see a psychic the other day and asked her if I would ever spend time in prison. She told me the answer was no, so I robbed her.
* * *
When Kim Jong Un actually does die, he'll be succeeded by his twin brother, Kim Jong Deux.
* * *
I've become a freediving instructor. I don't like it much; it's a tankless job.
* * *
Never allow a bee to get stuck in your garage. All you'll end up with is garbage.
* * *
Cops say I sent them in the wrong direction when asked which way the crooks went during the getaway. Well, no one accuses me of incompetence! "Hey!" I shouted, outraged, "I know my rights!"
* * *
"Our teacher wants an essay on pandemics. How many can you think of?"
"Well, COVID right off the bat."
* * *
Did you know you can make a small fortune while hiking? I manufacture hand sanitizer and have hiked the price five times since the pandemic started!
* * *
Never sail your yacht into the Bermuda Triangle; you'll turn it into a nervous wreck.
* * *
My blonde girlfriend sent back her order of rabbit stew. She complained that she found a hare in it.
* * *
Jeffery Dalmer was beaten to death by a fellow inmate. He never should have asked for a knuckle sandwich.
* * *
You'd think that I'd throw out my old pair of pants now that I've lost 50 pounds, but I can't bear to: it's seen me through thick and thin.
* * *
I ate a whole bag of chips last night... last time I'll be invited to a poker game.
* * *
My cousin's dentures actually fit me better than they fit him and vice versa, so we swapped. Next thing you know, we're being investigated for incisor trading.
* * *
Hitler picked a Volkswagen to be his chauffeur-driven staff car. It was heavily armored, so he nicknamed it the Pachyderm. That was appropriate... it had a trunk up front and an asshole in the back.
My sister's considered getting into prostitution. A lot of guys find her personality pleasant; I think she's absolutely *****-able.
* * *
Legoland will be re-opening soon! People will be lined up for blocks!
* * *
I've just gone to work for a janitorial company. Being new, they've stuck we with the worst job: clearing the lint and waste out of vacuum bags. I never knew I could hate vacuums so much... they suck to clean.
* * *
While the theater's down for repairs, our local Comedy Club is performing at the town's mortuary. A lot of people will be showing up... it's Open Mike Night.
* * *
I've tried to get my brother to join his school's Geology Club, but so far he's refused. Frankly, I don't think he has the stones.
* * *
I then tried to get him interested in the Bilderberg Group, but they wouldn't let him in because he was clutching a stuffed toy animal. He thought it was the Build-a-Bear Group.
* * *
Pouring milk into your espresso can be tricky. Stop before it's too latte!
* * *
My guide dog seems to think I'm faking my condition. He hasn't growled at me or anything, but he has a very distrustful look on his face.
* * *
Q: Could I woman become president of Russia?
A: No. Putin isn't female.
* * *
I often have trouble peeing first thing in the morning. It's just too hard.
* * *
"Sir, we've just got in a shipment of Fruit Loops soda. Would you be interested in purchasing any?"
"Yes. I'd like two cans."
* * *
I've never seen it before, but I plan to watch that old TV show about yard care, the one starring Sam Waterston. You know which one I mean: "Lawn Order".
* * *
In the Big Cat family, lions are more honorable than tigers. Lon won't ever cheat on his mate; tiger would.
* * *
I accidentally used Crazy Glue on my daughter instead of Visine and had to rush her to the hospital. I'd never been in the Children's Ward before; it was an eye-opening experience.
* * *
Q: How can you determine the alcohol content of rum cake?
A: The proof is in the pudding.
* * *
I always make sure to try the free samples before I purchase anything new... I'm buy curious.
* * *
It only takes one schizophrenic to change a light bulb: one to replace the bulb and one to hold the ladder.
* * *
My wife asked me which of her girlfriends I'd choose if I was contemplating a threesome. Damn it, she never said I was only supposed to choose one!
* * *
I can't vacation in Europe this year because of coronavirus. In all previous years, it was because of poverty.
* * *
I make my bed every single morning. I have to... I'm a terribly restless sleeper.
* * *
I just donated $10,000 to an LGBT awareness group. With all that cash, I'm certain they'll soon find a cure!
* * *
A middle-aged couple are lying in bed together. The woman turns nervously to her husband and asks, "Tom... would you ever consider adoption?"
"Jesus!" he shouts, startled. "Don't tell me I finally got you pregnant?"
I bought myself three comics and the final page was missing from each one of them. Guess I'll have to draw my own conclusions.
* * *
Q: Why did psycho chicken cross the road?
A: To kill on the other side.
* * *
I think my Mom's developed a bad sinus condition. I'd ask her about it, but it might seem too nosy.
* * *
An impoverished knight once sent messages to all his friends, urging to do likewise. He was desperate for chain mail.
* * *
I must confess that I often lie on my tax returns. It's cheaper than buying a mattress.
* * *
Some people commit murder and some only commit attempted murder. The difference is successful execution.
* * *
Kids will laugh at anything. Filmmakers know this and load up their movies with trivial scenes of characters passing gas. Youngsters may find that funny, but personally I prefer humor with more substance.
* * *
Officer: "Have arrived at the scene. Am observing suspect dancing naked in the middle of the street."
"Dispatcher: "Copy that."
Officer: "Cannot do. I have no sense of rhythm."
* * *
I was lying in bed, counting sheep, when it suddenly occurred to me: I completely neglected to shut the pasture gate.
* * *
My mom just won a million dollars in the lottery! Now the lot of us are heading down to Lenscrafters for new glasses! After that?... we'll see.
* * *
My sister just got into playing bondage games with some creep who dresses up in shellfish costumes. Never thought I'd say this, but she's become a mussel-bound freak.
* * *
Financial success is relative. It was for Trump, anyway.
* * *
In South Carolina, they have a novel way of referring to divorce: secession from the union.
* * *
Have you ever seen pictures of Mount Rushmore before the carving started? At that point, the project was considered unpresidented.
* * *
No one taught me about electricity when I was a kid. Imagine my shock when I got grounded!
* * *
She: "This new black coverlet you bought for my bed... it looks just like a shroud! Expect me to ever use this? Over my dead body!"
He: "Glad you like the idea!"
* * *
When I was young, I was so scrawny my brothers used me as their soccer ball. That might seem abusive, but I got a kick out of it.
* * *
A man's doctor started cheating on him with his wife. It was the easiest way to get him to start eating an apple a day.
* * *
Mama Trout and Papa Trout were awfully proud of Junior. Even so, they disowned him after he got caught with a hooker.
* * *
Waldo's awfully skinny. That's 'cause he never works out. It does him no good at all to go to the gym weight room... no one ever spots him.
* * *
Jesus knew that his disciples would never let him down. He was proud of that fact until he was up there on the cross.
* * *
Wanna see democracy in action? Let me demonstrate for you...
Never draw a right angle beneath a spreading oak tree unless you want it to be 90 degrees in the shade.
* * *
According to fringe medical advice, if you direct the wind from a fan directly up your nostrils, you can keep the contents of your skull from overheating. Ever heard that before? I find the information mind blowing!
* * *
Psychiatrist: "After our last session, I'm beginning to believe you have a fear of commitment. Can you think of one thing that would prevent you from getting married?"
Patient: "I can't say I do."
* * *
My grand uncle and my granddad both fought during World War II. They created such a ruckus in that attic, they were almost caught and drafted.
* * *
After the success of "Hamlet", William Shakespeare began work on a prequel. He planned to call it "Piglet".
* * *
Last night at the Chinese restaurant, a mallard waddled up to my table and started nuzzling my leg. The bird then hopped up on a chair and started batting its eyes at me.
"Hey!" I hollered at the waiter. "I said I wanted aromatic duck!"
* * *
Doctor Frankenstein was puzzled how to obtain the perfect parts for his new creation, so he paid a visit to one of his university professors. He was eager to pick his brain.
* * *
In the movie "Ratatouille", the rat Remmy controls the kitchen worker Linguini by hiding under his hat. Not surprisingly, he becomes the head chef.
* * *
"I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present."
"But you're the lawyer!"
"That's right. Where's my present?"
* * *
My wife and I broke up because I didn't like the way she made eggs. Call me intolerant... it freaked me out that she couldn't bear live young.
* * *
You've heard the phrase, "Sticks and stones may break my bones", right? It should sound familiar... it's the motto of the Indian Army.
* * *
Chinese and Indian troops are currently fighting with sticks and rocks. It's like they skipped Nuclear Armageddon and went straight to World War 4.
* * *
Customer: (whispering) Hey pal, I'd like to buy some weed.
Seller: (whispering) An ounce?
Customer: (shouting) "HEY PAL, I'D LIKE TO BUY SOME WEED!"
* * *
My girlfriend got her brains from her mother and her good looks from her father. Did I happen to mention he's a plastic surgeon?
* * *
Bluto won't attack Popeye anymore because he just can't tell whether or not he's purchased spinach. After all, nobody expects the spinach acquisition!
* * *
Most important thing to remember about First-Person Shooters: the heroine always wins.
* * *
Patient: "I need to make an appointment to see the doctor."
Receptionist: "Well, we have many openings. How about 10 next Tuesday morning?"
Patient: "No thank you. One will be plenty."
* * *
Even antagonistic couples have grown closer during the COVID quarantine. Experts are calling it Stuck-Home Syndrome.
* * *
Customer: "Which burns longer... the scented or unscented candles?"
Clerk: "Neither, ma'am. They both burn shorter."
* * *
It's an interesting fact that milk cattle produce sweet-smelling flatulence. You just can't beat that dairy air!
* * *
My uncle is currently resting in peace. He's been doing so ever since his wife died.
* * *
Land O' Lakes Butter has removed the Native American lady from their logo on account of cultural insensitivity. The lakes may be gone too, but don't worry... they're keeping the land.
After winning my first game, I took the ball and heaved it to the spectators. No one told me that wasn't customary in bowling.
* * *
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. What happens in China makes it 'round the world instantly.
* * *
My wife handles discipline in our household, but Junior can be quite a handful. Like for instance, he has a bad habit of scribbling on the walls with a crayon. She's finds it "charming" when he marks up the hallway, the bathroom and the bedroom, but puts a stop to it when he tries it in the kitchen. That's where she draws the line.
* * *
Kamikaze flight instructor: "Watch carefully, men. I'm only gonna show you this once."
* * *
Whales are the saddest creatures in the ocean. Each one of them goes through life with a heavy heart.
* * *
Q: What coughs, wheezes and never grows older?
A: Anyone involved with the Peter Pandemic.
* * *
I wanted to write an article about the game Tetris, but it was futile. Each time I finished a line, it would disappear.
* * *
Workers at the Denver Mint are going on strike. They claim they've been making way too much money.
* * *
Mario's cousin wanted to be a plumber too. Alas, it was only a pipe dream.
* * *
After the COVID virus escaped from that Chinese lab, other examples of their bizarre research has come to light. It's not all that important in view of the current crisis, but did you know they were trying to combine elephant DNA with rat DNA? The results? It's a relephant.
* * *
Trump went out to play golf and knocked one into the bunker. Came this close to hitting Biden.
* * *
A pharmaceutical company has been conducting tests to determine the efficacy of a new diabetes prevention drug. For two years, they gave a test group the drug and a control group a placebo. The results were illuminating: after two years, the group receiving the real drug showed no change, while the group receiving sugar tablets all developed diabetes.
* * *
I find the girl who lives next door pretty cute and she seems to like me too, but she refuses to come over to my place. She just wants to talk to me on the phone instead. Too bad; I hear these lawn distance relationships never work.
* * *
Have you heard the conspiracy story about the Apollo moon landing? Evidently NASA didn't think the program could ever be successful, so they hired Stanley Kubrick to create footage to convince the American public. But he was such a perfectionist, he demanded to film it on location.
* * *
Things became so hot during a prison fire that dozens of the convicts literally melted into a huge puddle. Sounds to me like mass con-fusion.
* * *
The "Hunger Games" movie went by that title principally in the US. Many foreign nations chose to alter it. In France, for instance, it was known as "Battle Royale with Cheese".
* * *
Xbox has been trying to make inroads in Pennsylvania cities. Unfortunately, it's always Sony in Philadelphia.
* * *
First shrimp: "Hey! That orange and white minnow is waving us into the anemone! Let's go on in. I'm sure we can trust him!"
Second shrimp: "I dunno... he seems a little fishy."
* * *
Most normal people are supposed to have 32 teeth, but based on my personal experience I know it's only 17. Believe me, I've done the meth.
* * *
One of the participants in the Iditarod tried something different: he used a string of felines instead of a dog-sled team. When asked if he won, he reported that he was bringing home a load of cold, hard cats.
* * *
I told my broker I wanted to invest in bullion, but instead he sunk all my money in bouillon. Now, instead of gold I'm stuck with a million dollars worth of soup fixings. Man, I never should have gotten involved in the stock market!
* * *
As a moral man, I refuse to go out with married women. My wife isn't pleased, but she knew my policy when she married me.
