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Ohhhh what te hell

A pony walks into a bar and says "Bartender, may I have a drink?"

Bartender says "What? I can't hear you. Speak up!"

"May I please have a drink?"

"What? You have to speak up!"

"Could I please have a drink?"

"Now listen, if you don't speak up I will not serve you."

"I'm sorry, I'm just a little hoarse."
 
Train A, traveling 70 miles per hour (mph), leaves Philadelphia heading toward Pittsburgh, 260 miles away. At the same time Train B, traveling 60 mph, leaves Pittsburgh heading toward Philadelphia. When do the two trains meet? How far from each city do they meet?
 
TORA TORA TORA

1. Place dirty clothes in the laundry basket so that they will go in the wash. Or in a place where you can get them to be put in the wash.


2. Turn on the water to your preferred temperature. Check the position of the shower head, to be sure that water is spraying downward rather than out of the enclosure.

3. Check the temperature frequently, and as soon as the temperature is correct, carefully step into the shower.

4. Wet your entire body. Make sure your whole head is wet.

5. Massage a small amount of shampoo into your scalp. You need to gently rub each part of your scalp, making sure all the strands are sudsy.

6. Thoroughly rinse all of the shampoo out of your hair.

7. Wet your washcloth well. Put soap onto the washcloth and gently clean your face. Rinse all soap off thoroughly.

8. Put your bar soap onto your washcloth and scrub yourself all over. It is best to start at the top and work you way down. Be sure to wash your private parts LAST. Remember to wash behind the ears, back of the neck, and in between each toe. Make sure you are cleaning under each arm pit, and your private areas!

9. Rinse off the soap, you may need to run your hands through your hair and make sure all the soap is rinsed out.

10. Give yourself a final rinse.

11. Turn off the water, make sure it is turned off tightly.

12. Exit the shower. Standing on the rug or mat, gently dry your head, face, torso, abdominal area, pelvic region, legs,your private areas, and feet. If you have done this carefully, the only water should be on the shower mat or rug, not on the rest of the floor.

13. Put your clean clothes on, starting with clean underwear, followed by clean clothes and socks.

14. If you want to be really clean put some body powder on afterward on your stomach it smells good and you will feel better. It also will soothe your lingering jock itch.
 
When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the laws of nature and of nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. That to secure these rights, governments are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed. That whenever any form of government becomes destructive to these ends, it is the right of the people to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their safety and happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shown that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such government, and to provide new guards for their future security. --Such has been the patient sufferance of these colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former systems of government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute tyranny over these states. To prove this, let facts be submitted to a candid world.

He has refused his assent to laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.

He has forbidden his governors to pass laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.

He has refused to pass other laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of representation in the legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.

He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.

He has dissolved representative houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.

He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected; whereby the legislative powers, incapable of annihilation, have returned to the people at large for their exercise; the state remaining in the meantime exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.

He has endeavored to prevent the population of these states; for that purpose obstructing the laws for naturalization of foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migration hither, and raising the conditions of new appropriations of lands.

He has obstructed the administration of justice, by refusing his assent to laws for establishing judiciary powers.

He has made judges dependent on his will alone, for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.

He has erected a multitude of new offices, and sent hither swarms of officers to harass our people, and eat out their substance.

He has kept among us, in times of peace, standing armies without the consent of our legislature.

He has affected to render the military independent of and superior to civil power.

He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his assent to their acts of pretended legislation:

For quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:

For protecting them, by mock trial, from punishment for any murders which they should commit on the inhabitants of these states:

For cutting off our trade with all parts of the world:

For imposing taxes on us without our consent:

For depriving us in many cases, of the benefits of trial by jury:

For transporting us beyond seas to be tried for pretended offenses:

For abolishing the free system of English laws in a neighboring province, establishing therein an arbitrary government, and enlarging its boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule in these colonies:

For taking away our charters, abolishing our most valuable laws, and altering fundamentally the forms of our governments:

For suspending our own legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.

He has abdicated government here, by declaring us out of his protection and waging war against us.

He has plundered our seas, ravaged our coasts, burned our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.

He is at this time transporting large armies of foreign mercenaries to complete the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of cruelty and perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the head of a civilized nation.

He has constrained our fellow citizens taken captive on the high seas to bear arms against their country, to become the executioners of their friends and brethren, or to fall themselves by their hands.

He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavored to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian savages, whose known rule of warfare, is undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.

In every stage of these oppressions we have petitioned for redress in the most humble terms: our repeated petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A prince, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.

Nor have we been wanting in attention to our British brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, enemies in war, in peace friends.

We, therefore, the representatives of the United States of America, in General Congress, assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the name, and by the authority of the good people of these colonies, solemnly publish and declare, that these united colonies are, and of right ought to be free and independent states; that they are absolved from all allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the state of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as free and independent states, they have full power to levy war, conclude peace, contract alliances, establish commerce, and to do all other acts and things which independent states may of right do. And for the support of this declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our lives, our fortunes and our sacred honor.

New Hampshire: Josiah Bartlett, William Whipple, Matthew Thornton

Massachusetts: John Hancock, Samual Adams, John Adams, Robert Treat Paine, Elbridge Gerry

Rhode Island: Stephen Hopkins, William Ellery

Connecticut: Roger Sherman, Samuel Huntington, William Williams, Oliver Wolcott

New York: William Floyd, Philip Livingston, Francis Lewis, Lewis Morris

New Jersey: Richard Stockton, John Witherspoon, Francis Hopkinson, John Hart, Abraham Clark

Pennsylvania: Robert Morris, Benjamin Rush, Benjamin Franklin, John Morton, George Clymer, James Smith, George Taylor, James Wilson, George Ross

Delaware: Caesar Rodney, George Read, Thomas McKean

Maryland: Samuel Chase, William Paca, Thomas Stone, Charles Carroll of Carrollton

Virginia: George Wythe, Richard Henry Lee, Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Harrison, Thomas Nelson, Jr., Francis Lightfoot Lee, Carter Braxton

North Carolina: William Hooper, Joseph Hewes, John Penn

South Carolina: Edward Rutledge, Thomas Heyward, Jr., Thomas Lynch, Jr., Arthur Middleton

Georgia: Button Gwinnett, Lyman Hall, George Walton

Source: The Pennsylvania Packet, July 8, 1776

😵
 
A pony walks into a bar and says "Bartender, may I have a drink?"

Bartender says "What? I can't hear you. Speak up!"

"May I please have a drink?"

"What? You have to speak up!"

"Could I please have a drink?"

"Now listen, if you don't speak up I will not serve you."

"I'm sorry, I'm just a little hoarse."

Train A, traveling 70 miles per hour (mph), leaves Philadelphia heading toward Pittsburgh, 260 miles away. At the same time Train B, traveling 60 mph, leaves Pittsburgh heading toward Philadelphia. When do the two trains meet? How far from each city do they meet?

1. Place dirty clothes in the laundry basket so that they will go in the wash. Or in a place where you can get them to be put in the wash.


2. Turn on the water to your preferred temperature. Check the position of the shower head, to be sure that water is spraying downward rather than out of the enclosure.

3. Check the temperature frequently, and as soon as the temperature is correct, carefully step into the shower.

4. Wet your entire body. Make sure your whole head is wet.

5. Massage a small amount of shampoo into your scalp. You need to gently rub each part of your scalp, making sure all the strands are sudsy.

6. Thoroughly rinse all of the shampoo out of your hair.

7. Wet your washcloth well. Put soap onto the washcloth and gently clean your face. Rinse all soap off thoroughly.

8. Put your bar soap onto your washcloth and scrub yourself all over. It is best to start at the top and work you way down. Be sure to wash your private parts LAST. Remember to wash behind the ears, back of the neck, and in between each toe. Make sure you are cleaning under each arm pit, and your private areas!

9. Rinse off the soap, you may need to run your hands through your hair and make sure all the soap is rinsed out.

10. Give yourself a final rinse.

11. Turn off the water, make sure it is turned off tightly.

12. Exit the shower. Standing on the rug or mat, gently dry your head, face, torso, abdominal area, pelvic region, legs,your private areas, and feet. If you have done this carefully, the only water should be on the shower mat or rug, not on the rest of the floor.

13. Put your clean clothes on, starting with clean underwear, followed by clean clothes and socks.

14. If you want to be really clean put some body powder on afterward on your stomach it smells good and you will feel better. It also will soothe your lingering jock itch.

You win!!!! I give!!!!! :man:
 
do you think the truth is out there?

I am the truth!

What color socks are your favourite to wear?

White.

Do you own a sword?

Some would say I do! LOL!

Did you ever want to be a pirate?

No. I always wanted to be Han Solo.

can you hear me now?

What?

When are you going to make a baby?

I wish it was right now. I want a baby.

Pork or beef?

Either one. They both have great uses.

Are you as pissed off as I was with the special editions of Star Wars?

Yes I was.:megafail:

How soon do you think I'll reach 1,000 posts?

By the end of June.

Do you prefer coffee or tea?

Coffee. I like iced tea in the evening though.

What's the Memorial Day about? 🙂

Memorial day in the U.S. is a day to remember vetrans of wars we have lost in battle. To remember the fallen. To remember the sacrafices they gave for our feedom. Where as Vetrans Day is a day to remember all of our service men and women.
 
Memorial day in the U.S. is a day to remember vetrans of wars we have lost in battle. To remember the fallen. To remember the sacrafices they gave for our feedom. Where as Vetrans Day is a day to remember all of our service men and women.

I see.

So when is Vetrans Day then? 🙂
 
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