Sadists, Dom(me)s and affection

[LD_Tickler]

I thought I posted this months ago, but I don't remember the discussion and can't find it. So I guess I didn't. But I meant to.

A while back, I had a pretty passionate night of tickle torture and sex with this girl. Afterward, when we were just kind of lying around in bed, I started playing with her hair, or something. She remarked that, out of all the guys she'd slept with, I was by far the most affectionate after sex, in terms of things like stroking her or petting her hair or whatever.

Her theory was it's because of how dominant and objectifying I am during sex. She told me that according to something she'd read, doms/tops/masters were generally more affectionate to their partners because with them, there exists a kind of sense of ownership over the other person, and people like to take care of things that they own.

I never decided if I agree or not. It's an interesting theory, though. Your thoughts?

 

[Deleted member 66627]

I can see there being some of those feelings involved. But with certain Dom/me, Sadists, there might also be feelings of natural [[vanilla?]] affection already established, so expressing them is done with no "strings" attached. -- Like a partnership between a Dom and a submissive that has been ongoing for years, and the Dom already cares about the submissive, so there isn't always this feeling of ownership solely backing the interaction.

Crap I hope that makes sense. >.<

 

[LD_Tickler]

I can see there being some of those feelings involved. But with certain Dom/me, Sadists, there might also be feelings of natural [[vanilla?]] affection already established, so expressing them is done with no "strings" attached. -- Like a partnership between a Dom and a submissive that has been ongoing for years, and the Dom already cares about the submissive, so there isn't always this feeling of ownership solely backing the interaction.

Crap I hope that makes sense. >.<

But if the status of the dom/sub relationship is overshadowed by the general affection of a long, intimate relationship, wouldn't the expressed affection be mutual, and thus, fall less along the lines of dom-to-sub?


Though, I guess you bring up a good point nonetheless. But, in this case, her and I are relatively new friends, not in a relationship, with no fuzzy feelings to explain why any of us would be particularly affectionate.

 

[Deleted member 66627]

But if the status of the dom/sub relationship is overshadowed by the general affection of a long, intimate relationship, wouldn't the expressed affection be mutual, and thus, fall less along the lines of dom-to-sub?


Though, I guess you bring up a good point nonetheless. But, in this case, her and I are relatively new friends, not in a relationship, with no fuzzy feelings to explain why any of us would be particularly affectionate.

I don't believe so. Being a Dominant and/or a submissive is a carried mentality or "way of being". I don't think it's so much over-shadowed as it is in addition to, you know?

As for your affection towards her, it might just be simply that you enjoyed the interaction and/or wanted to make her feel good. S'funny, that. Because you've talked that you're very much into objectification during sex. Have you ever examined how you are after sex? Not only with her but with previous partners? It might be in your nature to just like being physical in any manner.

 

[LD_Tickler]

I don't believe so. Being a Dominant and/or a submissive is a carried mentality or "way of being". I don't think it's so much over-shadowed as it is in addition to, you know?

As for your affection towards her, it might just be simply that you enjoyed the interaction and/or wanted to make her feel good. S'funny, that. Because you've talked that you're very much into objectification during sex. Have you ever examined how you are after sex? Not only with her but with previous partners? It might be in your nature to just like being physical in any manner.

Wanted to make her feel good? Oh, pshaw. 😀

Well, now that I think about it, I have gotten comments like that from girls in the past. So I guess it is in my nature, but the question still remains whether or not it's related to my deviant will to dominate and objectify. It certainly could be unrelated... but her theory is that it was connected.

 

[Deleted member 66627]

Wanted to make her feel good? Oh, pshaw. 😀

Well, now that I think about it, I have gotten comments like that from girls in the past. So I guess it is in my nature, but the question still remains whether or not it's related to my deviant will to dominate and objectify. It certainly could be unrelated... but her theory is that it was connected.

Then I guess the question now is; "Did you feel you had some form of ownership over her when you were being affectionate?"

 

[LD_Tickler]

Then I guess the question now is; "Did you feel you had some form of ownership over her when you were being affectionate?"

I don't really think that's the question. So much of these mindsets are subconscious. We had just finished with a whole bunch of bondage, tickle-sex activities that definitely elevated my status and objectified her. It's definitely possible I was feeling owner-ish, whether or not I was aware of it.

 

[Deleted member 66627]

I don't really think that's the question. So much of these mindsets are subconscious. We had just finished with a whole bunch of bondage, tickle-sex activities that definitely elevated my status and objectified her. It's definitely possible I was feeling owner-ish, whether or not I was aware of it.

Well, sure. But some folks can carry that same mentality after a scene without having a desire/want to put their hands on the sub.

 

[LD_Tickler]

Well, sure. But some folks can carry that same mentality after a scene without having a desire/want to put their hands on the sub.

I don't think that's conclusive. Any individual in any group can be an exception to a trend. If MOST folks walk away from a scene like that without being affectionate, that would be persuasive evidence against this theory. Do you think that's the case?

 

[Deleted member 66627]

I don't think that's conclusive. Any individual in any group can be an exception to a trend. If MOST folks walk away from a scene like that without being affectionate, that would be persuasive evidence against this theory. Do you think that's the case?

Honestly, and I know this is becoming some horrible cliched trend around here, but, it might be more to do with the type of personality you have when it comes to physical affection. Do you enjoy it? Do you like giving it? You might enjoy objectification during sex, but that doesn't mean that you don't like to cuddle or pet afterward. I think it could be in the same realm as a submissive who is Sadistic. Two parallel traits, living within the same person.

 

[BrightEyes1082]

I feel as though I've heard of this before, it's a phenomenon
called Aftercare. ^_^

 

[Deleted member 66627]

I feel as though I've heard of this before, it's a phenomenon
called Aftercare. ^_^

Buuuuuuuuuttttt if the Dom/me is doing it for themselves only, is it still considered Aftercare?

 

[LD_Tickler]

Yeah, I'm with Crystal, I think aftercare is a separate kettle of fish.

I'm not a physical person, generally, and I'm not especially affectionate in day to day life. That, in and of itself, could be used for either side of the argument.

Basically, I don't doubt that affection and this sense of ownership/objectification could be completely unrelated, which is what you seem to think Crystal, but I also think the argument that they are related is sound.

 

[BrightEyes1082]

Buuuuuuuuuttttt if the Dom/me is doing it for themselves only, is it still considered Aftercare?

Maybe... I dunno, depends on the Dom. Good question.
This thread is now requiring way more brain cells that I
am prepared to donate at this moment.

 

[Deleted member 66627]

Yeah, I'm with Crystal, I think aftercare is a separate kettle of fish.

I'm not a physical person, generally, and I'm not especially affectionate in day to day life. That, in and of itself, could be used for either side of the argument.

Basically, I don't doubt that affection and this sense of ownership/objectification could be completely unrelated, which is what you seem to think Crystal, but I also think the argument that they are related is sound.

*shrug*

I guess it all depends on the mentality you're in and what you're getting out of what you're giving... or is it taking? Idk.

Maybe... I dunno, depends on the Dom. Good question.
This thread is now requiring way more brain cells that I
am prepared to donate at this moment.

LMFAO LAZY ASS!!!! 😛

 

[Carsomyr]

It's an interesting theory, though. Your thoughts?

I agree it's an interesting theory, and I've never really thought about it before. The whole idea is completely new to me, so I don't have a very good answer, but even if it IS true in some cases I think there's also people who are just genuinely affectionate. I personally don't see how affection is necessarily related to a dom mentality. To me they have always been two separate personality traits.

 

[LD_Tickler]

I agree it's an interesting theory, and I've never really thought about it before. The whole idea is completely new to me, so I don't have a very good answer, but even if it IS true in some cases I think there's also people who are just genuinely affectionate. I personally don't see how affection is necessarily related to a dom mentality. To me they have always been two separate personality traits.

I think the idea is just that a dom might feel a greater sense of responsibility to be patronly/matronly, because other aspects of that relationship are very unbalanced in status, with one person being in charge, and the other being more, possibly, objectified. The idea is that people like to take care of people under their charge, if you will. In a relationship that doesn't explore that kind of uneven status sense, that desire may be less pronounced.

This obviously isn't a rule for individuals. I'm thinking it's interesting as a general trend over an entire category, not to be applied to you, or me, or anyone else.

 

[-Hari-]

I agree with that, ive got a very dominant nature and I do feel the need, desire, whatever, to look after and cherish what I have (when I have it that is 😛) especially after sexual activity, If I have put her through something for my own pleasure then I like to show that I still love and appriciate her.

 

[darkhand]

Just another thought, this could also be a way to avoid "top drop." For those of you who aren't into the BDSM scene at all top drop is this:

After a scene is completed and the headspace is fading, some (most? all?) tops can experience an emotional overload almost along the lines of remorse. You just spent a decent amount of time "torturing" someone you care about, so it is normal (to me anyway) that your humanity checks in. After a long scene it is a relief to know that your partner isn't upset with you and doesn't feel that you betrayed their trust.

I know I personally have had top drop after quite a few scenes that I have done and it is in that stage that being affectionate and coming out of my role and back down to a more "human" level is the most beneficial.

Really this is just my opinion and everyone's experiences are different, so I could be way off base in applying this to your situation, LD. I just figured I would share!

 

[BrightEyes1082]

Just another thought, this could also be a way to avoid "top drop." For those of you who aren't into the BDSM scene at all top drop is this:

After a scene is completed and the headspace is fading, some (most? all?) tops can experience an emotional overload almost along the lines of remorse. You just spent a decent amount of time "torturing" someone you care about, so it is normal (to me anyway) that your humanity checks in. After a long scene it is a relief to know that your partner isn't upset with you and doesn't feel that you betrayed their trust.

I know I personally have had top drop after quite a few scenes that I have done and it is in that stage that being affectionate and coming out of my role and back down to a more "human" level is the most beneficial.

Really this is just my opinion and everyone's experiences are different, so I could be way off base in applying this to your situation, LD. I just figured I would share!

That's a very interesting spin, dark. I'm now very curious to see how
other tops and/or dominants will weigh in on this. And I think I'll research
it some on Fetlife. I'll post any info that I come across, if I do. I just want
to add, I'm pretty sure that my Dominant does not experience this, if for no
other reason than she knows I love the things she does to me, and even if
I don't love them while she's doing them, I'm blissed out afterward, and that's
the beautiful part.

 

[Deleted member 66627]

Just another thought, this could also be a way to avoid "top drop." For those of you who aren't into the BDSM scene at all top drop is this:

After a scene is completed and the headspace is fading, some (most? all?) tops can experience an emotional overload almost along the lines of remorse. You just spent a decent amount of time "torturing" someone you care about, so it is normal (to me anyway) that your humanity checks in. After a long scene it is a relief to know that your partner isn't upset with you and doesn't feel that you betrayed their trust.

I know I personally have had top drop after quite a few scenes that I have done and it is in that stage that being affectionate and coming out of my role and back down to a more "human" level is the most beneficial.

Really this is just my opinion and everyone's experiences are different, so I could be way off base in applying this to your situation, LD. I just figured I would share!

Epic point, Dark.

 

[LD_Tickler]

Just another thought, this could also be a way to avoid "top drop." For those of you who aren't into the BDSM scene at all top drop is this:

After a scene is completed and the headspace is fading, some (most? all?) tops can experience an emotional overload almost along the lines of remorse. You just spent a decent amount of time "torturing" someone you care about, so it is normal (to me anyway) that your humanity checks in. After a long scene it is a relief to know that your partner isn't upset with you and doesn't feel that you betrayed their trust.

I know I personally have had top drop after quite a few scenes that I have done and it is in that stage that being affectionate and coming out of my role and back down to a more "human" level is the most beneficial.

Really this is just my opinion and everyone's experiences are different, so I could be way off base in applying this to your situation, LD. I just figured I would share!

Thanks for sharing, certainly. That's really interesting, I'd never heard of that before. That certainly seems possible, if not likely, in my case.

 

[Deleted member 66627]

I know I personally have had top drop after quite a few scenes that I have done and it is in that stage that being affectionate and coming out of my role and back down to a more "human" level is the most beneficial.

Would you say you're more affectionate while in that mind-set or when you're out of the Top mentality? I could've edited my post, I know, but I'm all aboot the ++++posts. 😀

 

[darkhand]

Would you say you're more affectionate while in that mind-set or when you're out of the Top mentality? I could've edited my post, I know, but I'm all aboot the ++++posts. 😀

I'm not going to hijack LD's post....but I will say this, the affection I show towards my partner in a scene is completely different than the affection I show after the scene.

 

[daryl]

But if the status of the dom/sub relationship is overshadowed by the general affection of a long, intimate relationship, wouldn't the expressed affection be mutual, and thus, fall less along the lines of dom-to-sub?


Having been in a long-term d/s love-based relationship, I think of this in a completely opposite way. There is a great deal of general affection. the fact that our interests are complimentary adds to it. There is no desire to "make suffer" to hurt, only as an expression of mutual desires. Make sense?