Tickling another while in an exclusive relationship- cheating?

[Coda]

A "committed relationship" implies a mutual understanding of what the commitment is. Every couple is responsible for agreeing, for itself, what is permissible outside the relationship and what isn't. If they don't do it explicitly, then they're relying on each other to guess what the other thinks about it. When those preconceptions don't match, misunderstandings and disputes arise. If you have a relationship, pick someone you trust and can be candid with about everything, including precisely what counts as cheating. If you don't like the rules they're asking for, don't enter the relationship.

 

[3xPIN]

You sound like a man of experience. Thanks for sharing.
Look, you obviously didn't write the book on relationships, professor, so acting like an authority on the topic don't necessarily make it so.
And if you did have even some of the answers, you sure wouldn't be sniffing around here.
Oh, I'm well aware of that! But being middle-aged, divorced, and a fetishist doesn't always equal wisdom either.
Live and Let Live!, I say.
If you want to direct the church choir with one hand and beat off with the other, have at it! What do I care?!?

....Jeez! You know, for someone who doesn't like people preaching to him and calling him names, you are awfully mean to those who do it to you. It wouldn't be as bad if you weren't doing the same thing back with little to no provocation. And you act so superior to those whom you say are acting superior to you.

Anyway, I could have sworn I already posted in this post. Maybe it was a similar post on the same subject...Whatever.
Now remember, these are just my thoughts. I am providing them as per your request. You don't need to take them seriously or use them. And it is my fervent wish that you do decide for yourself. Good luck.
There are no real rules in a relationship. The only rules in a in a healthy relationship are the ones you make together. And the only rules you make in a good, lasting relationship are the ones you stick to but are not afraid to amend when things change. Like, "No sex without condoms." If you both want that fine. But, a better rule would be, "No sex without condoms cuz we don't want kids." Now if you want kids or you find one of you can't reproduce, that rule would change. Nothing should be absolute.

Having said that, if you both agree that tickling is cheating, it is. Not just one or the other. Compromising is important. "No girls tickling you when I'm not around! I don't want to miss anything." *wink* "Agreed dear." *wink back* *Make-out session* But enough about me and my exes!

Now is it the same as cheating? NO! If for no other reason: No matter how it is performed, tickling can not get a person pregnant! That is not my guideline for cheating; it is just the most prevalent point I can make in this situation. I have other reasons, I won't bore you with them.

But the rule does have to be Two-sided when it comes to cheating or it is just Jealousy. But it is also a matter of respecting who you are with.

My ex broke up with me some time ago. ( okay so maybe Im not done talking about my exes) We are still friends. Now, a girl at work started tickling me recently. She gets a kick out of it. I asked my ex, even though I didn't need to, if she saw it happening if it would bother her. (it obviously wouldn't be cheating I just don't care to make my friend uncomfortable) Her response was queer: Only if it is above the waist. I then proceeded to add, "Or below the knee?" No was her response. We talked and we agreed maybe she was clinging a little to hard to something special and she needed to let go. Sometimes rules are weird and unpredictable, be it among friends or relationship partners.

So, when you have a partner, that is when you should make up your mind.

Remember, thoughts and opinions. You have no obligation to take any of this to heart.

 

[Mane'o]

There is not a single definition of what constitutes cheating such as only having intercourse constitutes cheating. That is like Bill Clinton claiming a blow job is not having sex. No wonder so many relationships don't last. A relationship is a shared experience and both people need to find common ground and share common understanding. Tickling with someone else may be fine for one couple and cheating for another couple.

 

[SadCuzNotTcklsh]

I think its motivation and intention. If you are motivated to tickle them to feed your fetish/desire its probably wrong. If you want to tickle them just to make them laugh or to be annoying, then maybe not. If your intention is to flirt and lead to "other things", that would be the closet thing to actual cheating. If your intention is just to have fun and nothing more, I don't see a problem with that.

I'm assuming this thread mean between to people, but does this all change if its more than 2 people involved?

 

[rhiannon]

Whenever this topic comes up, my answer is always the same: It depends on how your SO perceives it, because in the end it is them who will leave you for what they consider cheating. You can say "It's not cheating" all you want, if they think it is and it's a reason for them to break up, there is nothing you can do.

 

[Barney Stubble]

Whenever this topic comes up, my answer is always the same: It depends on how your SO perceives it, because in the end it is them who will leave you for what they consider cheating. You can say "It's not cheating" all you want, if they think it is and it's a reason for them to break up, there is nothing you can do.

In what encyclopedia or other documentation is it spelled out that one's significant other is the sole decider on what constitutes cheating? This is just your opinion and one that's not very well thought out. In such a questionable policy, the significant other can decide that anything you do is cheating, to include looking at pretty girls in a fashion magazine, or even checking out the ass on the babe in stretch pants walking down the other side of the street. That's just ridiculous.

A more reasonable philosophy would be to reverse the roles and ask yourself how you would feel if your significant other was the one engaging in tickling. If you're uncomfortable with your S/O indulging then by your own standards it would be cheating for you to do so. But if you are comfortable with your S/O indulging in tickling, then it's not cheating for you to indulge yourself.

That's the benchmark for cheating, rhiannon.

 

[rhiannon]

This is just your opinion and one that's not very well thought out.

Well yeah it is my opinion. Did I say it was printed in some kind of encyclopedia or something? But au contraire, it is very well thought out!

the significant other can decide that anything you do is cheating

Sure they can. It's your choice if you want to deal with someone who is truly psycho about it or not. Some people actually do consider their SO looking at someone else cheating already. I wouldn't want to be with someone like that, but there are people who do.

It's all about how much you are ready to tolerate for being with the other person.

But if you are comfortable with your S/O indulging in tickling, then it's not cheating for you to indulge yourself.

But how will that help you in the end if your SO leaves you because you tickled someone else? Not at all. If it doesn't bother you that they left you, I guess the O wasn't that S after all.

Plus, if you have a tickling fetish and the SO does not, how would that be levelled out at that point? If your SO doesn't get sexual feelings from it and you do, I do see a difference there, don't you?

 

[Barney Stubble]

Well yeah it is my opinion. Did I say it was printed in some kind of encyclopedia or something?

No, you just stated it as though it were fact. You never prefaced it with "well I feel that..." or "It seems to me that..." or any other phraseology that disclaims your comments as opinion as opposed to fact. You simply made a declarative statement, the way a person would state that two plus two equals four.

Sure they can. It's your choice if you want to deal with someone who is truly psycho about it or not. Some people actually do consider their SO looking at someone else cheating already. I wouldn't want to be with someone like that, but there are people who do.

It's all about how much you are ready to tolerate for being with the other person.

No, that's not at all what we're talking about. Some people can't tolerate their S/O leaving the toilet seat up or chewing with their mouth open. We're not talking about tolerance. We're talking about what constitutes cheating. By your definition, it's anything that the significant other decides is cheating.

Let's hypothetically say my girlfriend is one of those "truly psycho" people, and she insists that if I check out another woman's ass, it's cheating. Let's also say that I have never agreed with this policy nor have I agreed to abide by it. So I'm walking through a shopping mall and my eyes rest on the beautiful ass off a shapely woman who had poured herself into her skin tight blue jeans. I'm just loving the way her rocking ass looks like two bulldogs fighting under a blanket.

Have I cheated? By your definition I have, because it doesn't matter what I think is cheating, and it doesn't matter that I've never agreed to abide by her standards. According to you, whatever she decides is cheating is the only qualifying factor.

I of course would disagree. It's not cheating because I've not broken any agreements and I'm not doing anything that I would begrudge her doing if the situation were reversed.

That's why I'm (still) convinced you haven't thought this out. You seem to define cheating as "whatever makes your significant other decide to leave you." I think of it more in terms of violating an agreed upon standard. For example, if you cheat at a game, you are violating the agreed-upon established rules.

But how will that help you in the end if your SO leaves you because you tickled someone else? Not at all. If it doesn't bother you that they left you, I guess the O wasn't that S after all.

We're not talking about "the end" or whether the S/O leaves or not. We're talking about whether the behavior itself (be it tickling or ass-staring) is cheating.

Plus, if you have a tickling fetish and the SO does not, how would that be levelled out at that point? If your SO doesn't get sexual feelings from it and you do, I do see a difference there, don't you?

That changes nothing. It still works the same way. If I have a tickling fetish, it's entirely possible/probable that I'm going to have issues with other guys tickling her, regardless of whether or not she has the fetish (depending of course on how open I am or how possessive I am). So the same principle still applies. If I have a problem with her doing it, then it's cheating if I do it. If I'm okay with her doing it, than it's not cheating for me to do it.

Now to show you how utterly ridiculous your philosophy is, imagine this hypothetical scenario. I'm married to a woman who's very open about sex and has absolutely no problems with me screwing other women. Let's also say that I have very strong feelings against sharing her with others. According to the Rhiannon definition of cheating, I'm free to bang any chick I can coerce into the sack even though it violates my own standards. While she, on the other hand is forced to restrict herself to a monogamistic lifestyle because I alone set her standards of permissible behavior.

Can't you see how truly fucked up that is, and how un-thought-out it is?

 

[rhiannon]

No, you just stated it as though it were fact.

Do I really have to start every single one of my posts with "IMHO" to make people understand that it is only my opinion? This is a discussion forum, and discussions are usually about people's opinions. 🙂 If I am talking about facts, I usually link a reference where I get it from.

So, let's start this from the other way around: What IS cheating? Isn't it something different to everybody? And why is cheating bad? Because you feel you did something wrong or because your partner gets hurt?

We're not talking about "the end" or whether the S/O leaves or not.

You might not, I am. 🙂 Because it's not the behavior in itself or how we feel about it or define it, because that doesn't really make a difference, it doesn't have an effect on the relationship. I can define cheating for myself as much as I want, what makes a difference in the end is how my partner defines it.

If I'm okay with her doing it, than it's not cheating for me to do it.

I guess we just have to agree on disagreeing here. I mean...if my partner doesn't mind if I get head from another guy because he likes getting blown from other girls, I would still not tolerate it - and not do it! It's just not like you can say "Hey, you can do it, so it's okay if I do it!", it's more like: "I decide I will not do this although it is ok with you, so I expect you not to do it either!"

You have to respect the boundaries which are stricter, or it will not work!

 

[worlds]

I think you should just let your significant other know. If you have to hide it, it's probably cheating.

 

[Myriads]

In what encyclopedia or other documentation is it spelled out that one's significant other is the sole decider on what constitutes cheating?

Cheating is a meta concept that involves both actors in a relationship-diad. Its a behavior taken by one partner that has effects on both.

As such, both members have input into what constitutes the behavior. It's not an 'OR' conditional definition (As in cheating is My OR my partners definition based on any conditionals) but it's an AND definition, (As in Cheating is what I AND my partner think it is at once, with the more strict definition holding sway) where the definition is always going to default to the stricter aspect.

In short each partner has a behavioral veto on their partners behavior based on their own unique bias and thinking. The fact that the other partner may or may not agree is not significant, as the veto holding partner has drawn a line in the sand about what they see as right or wrong in the whole of the relationship, and can unitarily withdraw from said relationship if they chose at any time to enforce said veto.

So as a result cheating is defined by your partner in conjunction with yourself. And your relationship is best served by having discussed it so everyone has seen everyones cards and can chose to act with full knowledge of result.

There is not hard and fast rule for what cheating is and is not as a result. I've known couples that happily fuck other people so long as they inform each other of a new lover. I've know couples that let each other fuck other people so long as they NEVER know about it. I know folks that think a blowjob from the wife makes for a nice thank you for helping move the sofa in reward. It's endless. It's all unique to each pair.

To the OP. It's cheating if your partner thinks you having tickling play with another person thinks it is. If she does, then you are cheating on HER. if she does not, then you have a green light to do what you want. If she is oblivious you might be in either group, and are flipping a coin as to the reaction you'll get if you act.

Myriads

 

[Barney Stubble]

Do I really have to start every single one of my posts with "IMHO" to make people understand that it is only my opinion?

No, there are other ways besides "IMHO" (which I personally would not be caught dead using) to let people know you are offering opinion instead of stating fact, a couple of which I've already demonstrated. If that becomes tedious for you, then perhaps you might reconsider the frequency at which offer your opinion.

So, let's start this from the other way around: What IS cheating? Isn't it something different to everybody?

Everybody offers different examples, but it all boils down to the simple concept of violating an agreement between two parties, or violating what is the most widely accepted standards of conduct.

If a marathon runner takes a shortcut, he's cheated because he violated the accepted standard of everybody running the same course. Same goes for a gambler who keeps extra cards up his sleeve.

Now in the case of relationship cheating, there are behaviors which are nearly universally considered cheating, chief of which would be sex with someone other than your partner. FYI, blowjobs fall under the category of sex.

Our issue lie in the areas that are more gray, and less clear cut. Kissing somebody other than your partner? What about slow dancing? How about a shoulder massage? And of course, ticking while fully clothed sans bondage.

If you've discussed these issues with your partner and you both agree on what's cool and what's not, no problem. But I maintain that if no discussion about tickling has taken place, and no agreement has been entered into, then you can't reasonably call it cheating, because nothing has been violated.

And why is cheating bad? Because you feel you did something wrong or because your partner gets hurt?

Neither. Cheating is bad because you didn't live up to your end of the bargain. You violated an agreement that you willingly entered, and you have proven yourself untrustworthy.

You might not, I am. 🙂 Because it's not the behavior in itself or how we feel about it or define it, because that doesn't really make a difference, it doesn't have an effect on the relationship.

I disagree in the strongest terms. The nature of the behavior is the key factor that determines if an agreement has been broken and cheating has occurred. The behavior is everything.

I can define cheating for myself as much as I want, what makes a difference in the end is how my partner defines it.

I agree that's a factor, but what counts way more than that is what you've both agreed to. If the behavior in question falls outside those addressed in whatever agreement you have with your S/O, there is no potential for cheating. If such a behavior occurs, and the S/O objects, then an amendment to the agreement can be negotiated, but the S/O has no reasonable nor legitimate grounds to accuse you of cheating.

I guess we just have to agree on disagreeing here. I mean...if my partner doesn't mind if I get head from another guy because he likes getting blown from other girls, I would still not tolerate it - and not do it! It's just not like you can say "Hey, you can do it, so it's okay if I do it!", it's more like: "I decide I will not do this although it is ok with you, so I expect you not to do it either!"

Giving head is clearly sexual activity, which falls under the universally accepted criteria for cheating. It's not a gray area, like tickling.

You have to respect the boundaries which are stricter, or it will not work!

That's not true either. You can stand firm and say, "Honey, I love you more than life itself, but that's asking too much of me." Now at that point the S/O can either decide to live with the occasional behavior or to break the relationship then and there. But you are by no means obliged to agree to whatever terms are demanded, and you're by no means guilty of "cheating" by refusing to do so. That's just crazy talk, there.

And your relationship is best served by having discussed it so everyone has seen everyones cards and can chose to act with full knowledge of result.

With all due respect to your tzarship, this is the only thing you've said to which I can agree. It IS best to have the discussion and as early in the relationship as is reasonable.

But I can't for one minute agree that both parties have "veto power" against any and all behaviors of the partner. God, if I ever tried to pull that shit on my wife, she'd tell me in no uncertain terms to pound sand, just as I would tell her the same thing if she tried to pull that silly shit on me.

If I found her engaging in a behavior that disturbed me, I'd approach her as an equal and have a reasonable discussion as to how and why it bothered me. At no point would I suggest that she's under any obligation to cease and desist. To me, that would be the height of arrogance. She might have reasons for this behavior that hadn't occurred to me, or I might be misconstruing the nature and purpose of the behavior in question.

This is why discussions, understanding, and voluntary compliance make much better sense to me than a blanket veto policy.

To the OP. It's not cheating unless you and your partner have agreed that it is.

 

[Mane'o]

By the nature of the replies to this post, some people must either have very tolerant and forgiving significant others or relationships that end after fairly short duration and often unhappily.

 

[Myriads]

But I can't for one minute agree that both parties have "veto power" against any and all behaviors of the partner. God, if I ever tried to pull that shit on my wife, she'd tell me in no uncertain terms to pound sand, just as I would tell her the same thing if she tried to pull that silly shit on me.

If I found her engaging in a behavior that disturbed me, I'd approach her as an equal and have a reasonable discussion as to how and why it bothered me. At no point would I suggest that she's under any obligation to cease and desist. To me, that would be the height of arrogance. She might have reasons for this behavior that hadn't occurred to me, or I might be misconstruing the nature and purpose of the behavior in question.

This is why discussions, understanding, and voluntary compliance make much better sense to me than a blanket veto policy.

To the OP. It's not cheating unless you and your partner have agreed that it is.

Veto power is simple.

One partner decides that if you do X with someone else it's cheating. They have whatever reasons for the position, rational or not, it matters not. It's a line they have drawn in acceptable behavior in the relationship. If the other person choses to cross it, then they can exercise their veto by terminating the relationship.

Basically each person has the independent ability to draw lines that if crosses will terminate the relationship. That's veto power.

Ideally both members of the interaction communicate often and early so everyone know where the lines are, and can then chose to act with full knowledge of outcome of their actions.

Myriads

 

[3xPIN]

By the nature of the replies to this post, some people must either have very tolerant and forgiving significant others or relationships that end after fairly short duration and often unhappily.

I'm with you on this one. Jeez.

 

[Ferbtones]

I think it all depends on the circumstances. A platonic friend giving a few tickles isn't bad at all! However if it's obviously flirty tickling then that's a little different I think. Maybe not cheating but a possible red flag?

 

[Phineas]

I have nothing to add here, other than to say, hey Ferbtones... wanna sing a round of Gitchy Gitchy Goo with me? hehe.

 

[ticklemepls]

cheating is different with every couple... if your significant other KNOWS about the tickle session and trusts theres nothing more to it than tickling, than no...

but if you feel like you have to sneak around and you feel guilty about it.... well then, theres your answer- yes.

 

[maniactickler]

cheating is different with every couple... if your significant other KNOWS about the tickle session and trusts theres nothing more to it than tickling, than no...

but if you feel like you have to sneak around and you feel guilty about it.... well then, theres your answer- yes.

You trust me right?

 

[rhiannon]

Myriads sums it up pretty nice for me today:

One partner decides that if you do X with someone else it's cheating. They have whatever reasons for the position, rational or not, it matters not. It's a line they have drawn in acceptable behavior in the relationship. If the other person choses to cross it, then they can exercise their veto by terminating the relationship.

That's exactly what I mean and I have nothing else to add. 🙂

 

[Barney Stubble]

Veto power is simple.

One partner decides that if you do X with someone else it's cheating. They have whatever reasons for the position, rational or not, it matters not. It's a line they have drawn in acceptable behavior in the relationship. If the other person choses to cross it, then they can exercise their veto by terminating the relationship.

Basically each person has the independent ability to draw lines that if crosses will terminate the relationship. That's veto power.

Ideally both members of the interaction communicate often and early so everyone know where the lines are, and can then chose to act with full knowledge of outcome of their actions.

Myriads

I'll agree that anybody can leave a relationship for reasons both valid and irrational. However, if one makes a habit of pulling out of relationships under the constant excuse of "cheating," that one will find it increasingly difficult to find somebody who wants to be with her. But I don't dispute that she has option to bolt.

What I'm disputing is the position that whatever behavior the partner labels as cheating automatically makes it so. You can't just pick a behavior and label it a violation just because. It can't be a violation unless it violates either a standing rule or an agreement.

For example, let's imagine my girlfriend decides to break up with me because I refuse to end a friendship with an attractive female friend of mine. She says it's "cheating." She definitely has the option to turn tail. I wouldn't call it veto power because in any other application of the word, noncompliance is not an option. If the president vetos a bill, it's not like Congress can just go ahead and put it into law anyway. But I on the other hand would continue my friendship in the wake of my girlfriend's departure.

Let's change the scenario and say it's my wife demanding I terminate my friendship with the attractive female, claiming that such a friendship is cheating. I refuse. She opts for divorce. We go to divorce court. If what you say is true, then our case might very likely proceed like this.

"Mr. Stubble, is it true you cheated on your wife?"

"No, your honor. My friendship with Bambi is strictly platonic. There's no cheating going on."

"Mr. Stubble, I'm afraid only your wife can determine what constitutes cheating on your part. The fact that she considers even a platonic relationship cheating automatically makes you guilty."

"In that case, your honor, she's just as guilty of cheating as I am."

"How so?"

"My neighbor Fred waved to her from his front yard next door and she waved back. I've decided that waving is cheating."

"Mrs. Stubble, how do you respond to your husband's counter-allegation?"

"Well, he left the toilet seat up three times this week! That's cheating, too!"

"Oh yeah?! Well she brought the car home yesterday without filling it up! THAT'S cheating!!!"

"Well I'm not the one who used the last of the toilet paper without replacing a new roll! If that's not cheating, I don't know what is!"

My point is simply this. Some seem to feel that having the option to leave a relationship gives a partner license to define cheating. The above scenario demonstrates the preposterity of such a notion. I agree the partner can leave you because of the behavior, but that doesn't make it cheating.

Cheating infers deception and/or the breaking of established rules or agreements. If there are no rules or agreements established with regards to tickling, then you can't call it cheating. Now you may think, "What difference does it make what it's called? The bottom line is that your partner can leave you for doing it!"

It makes a big difference. If what you've done qualifies as cheating, then the breakup is your fault. You're the one who screwed up. You're guilty. You're the one owning the blame. If the partner leaves you for breaking some "rule" that was never negotiated or agreed upon, then it's your partner's fault. Your partner is the one who screwed up. Your partner is guilty. Your partner is the one owning the blame. You can walk away with a clear conscience.

Now you may think it's petty, concerning oneself with blame, guilt, and fault, but in a divorce situation, these things are big determiners of who gets to keep the house, who gets the kids, etc.

 

[giggle-maker]

Ok, TickleMyFancy is a girl. If she gets into a new relationship with a guy and then tickles another guy, would the guy in the relationship consider it cheating? (we will assume that the guy will be ok with her tickling another girl...just for simplicity sake)

 

[King of tickles]

If i was with a girl that was into tickling as well and we both said and agreed that it's fine if we tickle other people and as long as it doesn't end up in sexual foreplay, then it's fine. Not that we have to ask each other every time cause stuff can happen at work or even with friends too. If she's meeting up with people for tickle play and i don't know about it, then i would consider it tickle-cheating.

 

[rhiannon]

Barney, can we agree that the behavior that can be considered cheating has to involve physical activity between to people? Although I know there's people who already feel it's cheating if the partner just fantasizes about someone else.

 

[FLBowler]

I'm confused on it too. It's a way of flirting. Cause of my fetish I wouldn't want other guys tickling my gf if I had one. Girls tickling her is a different story. I think it depends on if the person you're with is comfortable with both parts.

I agree with this statement, even if I didn't have a fetish for it, but I feel like it's a double standard allowing girls too but not guys.
To help answer your question Ticklemyfancy, I mean if you know the difference between sexual and goofing around it may not be, but if its a sexual thing that leads to more or your using the other person to do what your bf/gf can't then in a way it is cheating. This is a hard and great thought provoking question