Tickling Fetish ‘Acceptance’ ?

[Libertine]

To me, being rejected by someone you're already serious about hurts far worse than being rejected by someone you're just getting to know.

Very profound. And to think you were a teenager when you first met KT and me at NEST all those years ago...

She's quite right- just keep pitching, folks.

 

[kingofkaboom]

I don't think you need to use the word fetish. Technically it's a Paraphilia and even then, that's if you literally can't function sexually without it. For most it's a kink or a turn on. I think most would be quite capable of getting their point across without using the word fetish if they wanted.

Even if you don't use the word fetish you still have to use the word tickling, which is still gonna set off plenty of alarms.

 

[Comfort Eagle]

Here's another point of view; I've actually used the word "tickle fetish" with many, many women and have had either a lot of success or just a bored "nah don't wanna". I get some fear at first but this shit's not that serious, just go for it already.

 

[Wolf]

Even if you don't use the word fetish you still have to use the word tickling, which is still gonna set off plenty of alarms.

Oy.... So, basically...you want to get what you want without having to say anything about what you want, right?

This is why some people get what they want, and some people spend their days posting "M looking for F to tickle in (Huge Metropolitan City)" and "Why can't I find any female Lees/Lers?" threads.

There are a lot more women out there who are okay, really okay, or downright into tickling (without it being a gotta-have-it-or-nothing fetish) than you can imagine. It's just that most people never bother to ask, because they're afraid of rejection. Do you want to be completely safe from ever having your feelings hurt, or do you want to be happy? A lot of posters on the thread are basically telling you the same thing, and I think every one of them will say that they've done pretty well with it.

"You miss one hundred percent of the shots you don't take." -- Wayne Gretzky

 

[chicago]

Welp, guess you'll always wonder VS know what it's like cuz stuffz is scawwy

 

[Wolf]

Welp, guess you'll always wonder VS know what it's like cuz stuffz is scawwy

Maybe it's about time for someone to chime in with "Wouldn't it be nice if we all had buttons or symbols to wear, so we could recognize each other on the street?"

 

[Rectangle]

Even if you don't use the word fetish you still have to use the word tickling, which is still gonna set off plenty of alarms.

Oh. My. God.
I have no idea how to help you anymore.
You've got to face your fear on this, but if you can't even bring yourself to say the word "tickling"..
..what do you even do with that?

 

[Wolf]

Oh. My. God.
I have no idea how to help you anymore.
You've got to face your fear on this, but if you can't even bring yourself to say the word "tickling"..
..what do you even do with that?

Post another ad on the TMF, I guess. And fantasize about the cute waitress at the brew pub, and never bother to follow through.

 

[kingofkaboom]

I'm sorry. I understand you're just trying to give advice. But is it wrong that I'm naturally bothered by it? That I fear something that I don't understand? And if I don't understand, how am I supposed to expect somebody else to?

 

[Wolf]

I'm sorry. I understand you're just trying to give advice. But is it wrong that I'm naturally bothered by it? That I fear something that I don't understand? And if I don't understand, how am I supposed to expect somebody else to?

Fair question. But if you're going to be bothered by it, how do you expect anyone to accept it? What bothers you about it?

 

[Aeveirra]

I had NO IDEA this post would be this popular!! lolol

 

[triangle]

I'm sorry. I understand you're just trying to give advice. But is it wrong that I'm naturally bothered by it? That I fear something that I don't understand? And if I don't understand, how am I supposed to expect somebody else to?

Because there are those of us out there who do, even if we might not be into it ourselves right away. And that's half the fun of sex; trying new things and exploring!

 

[Aeveirra]

Bless this thread. What a wonderful conversation! Thanks everyone for your input and opinions 🙂 In my experience, I've found out that it's not the fear of being rejected FOR liking tickling, it's the fear of being rejected. Being a fairly insecure person (liking being tickled is just one of a dozen insecurities), I think it's common for me to misplace my anxiety about telling people. What I mean is, it's easy for me to think that if someone turns me down it's because I like being tickled, when in reality there are a billion other factors that could and do go into that decision. But as so many other people have mentioned, saying it like it's not a big deal (because it honestly isn't - it's amazing!) really helps. And all of the girls that I have been with have jumped at the chance to get me all worked up just with one little finger. I know it's hard, but as Chicago said, nothing that worthwhile comes easy.

And I'm very happy for you Rectangle and Triangle! Looks like you've built a wonderful 'house' for yourselves 🙂

Cheers!

Bless this thread? haha! thanks man! I figured it get people talking 😉

 

[kingofkaboom]

Fair question. But if you're going to be bothered by it, how do you expect anyone to accept it? What bothers you about it?

Exactly my point. I can't expect anyone to accept it if it bothers me. And there are quite a few things that bother me about it. I'm not comfortable discussing the psychological damage but that's the biggest concern. And as I mentioned, lack of understanding. I question a lot of things obviously to gain knowledge and search for answers but one thing I still don't get is why. Why are most men into boobs and ass and I'm into women's feet and tickling them? Why can't I control what I'm into? Why am I ashamed and embarrassed of it? Why do I feel like I'll be ridiculed and forced into social isolation for it? Why do I only feel safe on online communities with like minded people as an unknown person? I could go on but you get the point. They're all unanswered questions that I can't figure out.

 

[SoleMates]

They're all unanswered questions that I can't figure out.

Firstly, why does it matter that you're not into boobs? Do you think that if you were, all your problems would just go away?

I have news for you; I've heard just as many women complain about "overgrown man-children and their puerile fascination with tits" as I have about "creepy foot guys".

I hate to say it, but no one here is qualified to help you. Find yourself a good therapist and start digging, because your problems go deeper than just getting off on tickling. And I don't say that to people lightly.

Last thing I'm going to say on the topic; at this point I've worked with like twenty different models. I can tell which ones are just there for the paycheck and which ones are having a blast regardless of the money. There have been faaar more of the latter than the former. They enthusiastically ask to come back and refer their friends. We keep in touch and do stuff outside of "work" - all because they saw an ad on Craigslist and went "tickling? Sign me up!".

Think about it.

 

[LonelyTickler]

Excuse the Wall of Text

I honestly do not think it is as simple as "fear of being rejected". Indeed, there are many cases where it does apply, but it goes deeper... much deeper. The main rejection issue is not from a potential partner, realistically, it is from a society standpoint. We live in a world "ruled" by "breasts and bottoms"; considered standard. Anything that crosses that line, goes beyond the "normal" liking of these specific body parts, beyond "mommy and daddy" casual sex, is "abnormal". "You like feet?", "Tickling?", "BDSM?", etc... abnormal. A "fetish", an actual "problem" with your brain; a mental issue if you may (we all understand the wrong usage of such word, but think vanilla).

What does not help, as well as the uninformed vanilla public, is the community. Not TMF in particular; in general. Whenever a "foot fetishist" asks for a picture, or "one of us" ask someone, somewhere, if they are ticklish... well, let us break this down properly. In this internet dimension, if the words "Show your breasts" are seen, it ends there. They were seen and ignored. It is simply "another one of those trolls/pervs asking for boob pictures". In this scenario, there once was a "troll", a "perv". The End. Then we have... "Show your feet", "Feet plz", "I could suck those toes", etc etc... now we have a problem. "We have a 'creepy foot guy' ladies and gentlemen, red alert!". As of, equally bad; but "the creepy foot guy" is an "abnormality in the Matrix". See a pattern? Abnormal.

When someone asks a famous individual, or anyone with a small social influence "Are you ticklish? Where?", "How ticklish is (insert body part)?" we have different observing points. The tickling community is happy. Someone had the courage to ask, what a hero. If they get an answer, and said answer is positive, they become a legend. Now, the vanilla observing point is a bit more complex, I am afraid. Another red alert. Some may see the question "Are you ticklish" as playful. It can be cute. It can be foreplay. But also, out there, are people who are terrified of being tickled. To those, might as well ask "Would you like to be waterboarded?". It gets worse, oh so much worse when something along these lines is seen: "Now knock her out with (insert drug/liquid name), tie her down and tickle her until she screams". Some 'lees like to be pushed beyond a comfortable point; fair enough. The keyword is "some". As a 'ler, that sort of comment creeps me out. Have I "tickle tortured" a 'lee before? Yes, with their permission. Not only, also playfully. But that is on a whole new level. Psychopathic. Even if toned down to "tie her down and tickle her until she screams/pees/begs" to the vanillas reading, yes, those horrified vanillas, they read: "Torture". Not the playful sexual one. Actual terrifying abuse. In other words, the rotten apples stand out much more in any situation.

"Fetishes" in general are not seen with good eyes. Many of us here do not have fetishes. We can get aroused and climax through other means. Once again, think vanilla. BDSM is one that amuses me. Tickling very well is "a dom and a sub" situation. The catch, uninformed society. "Honey, I bought a pair of handcuffs!", "Oh! Look at us! So kinky!". Their knowledge starts and ends there. Have them presented with a hardcore piece of footage, and see the horror in their faces. Same with some hardcore tickling videos, those you swear the 'lee could die at any minute. At the end, it looks like they did. Weirdly enough, even the tame tickling pieces are seen with weirded out eyes. Some vanillas are "ok" with BDSM. Some have seen a little, others have seen more. In my experience "liking to get kinky" has a really good acceptance. The "tie down and lightly spanking" has never gotten me into an awkward situation, but when the "magical T word" comes into play...

It hurts to hear that "You are an effing weirdo". No matter how many times, or how thick-skinned you are. At that moment, you are not you anymore. You are not a person with feelings, a life, a past. You are "the creepy fetish guy/gal". It can ruin a person's life. If word gets out, you become the weirdo everywhere you go. The fear of telling it to someone who finds it creepy and decides to share such private piece of information with someone else could damage them in many ways. Social media is cruel. Mouth to mouth wording also spreads fast. What would your crush, your boss, your family think of you, if they knew? Why our likings have be "fetishes"? It is what it is. A liking; a kink. Unusual? Yes. Abnormal? No. To each their own. As long as done safely. "Fetishes do not exist", if we consider the usage of said word, they do not. As long as your liking is not your only source of pleasure, why does it have to be a "fetish"? Another problem comes to mind. Myself, and many others do not want to limit ourselves. Limit our choices. "I have a 'weird fetish', might as well try to find someone in a website/forum/app". I want to go out, and not have to "choose from a selected few". "These are people who accept my kink... which of them is sort of my type?". None of us should expect to be accepted by every single person out there, but when the majority is against you... tough, to say the least. Why "are" we abnormalities? Why "are" we the "creepy foot people", the "tickling weirdos", the "BDSM psychos"?

Ladies who may be reading this... what is wrong with vanilla women? A huge percentage loves shoes. They get pedicures every few days. Why in the, pardon the expression, hell do they hate feet? Hate having their feet touched or even looked at? Why tempt us? Not only the ladies, anyone reading this. A plausible answer would be very much appreciated (aside from "they are probably ticklish"). What those vanilla women do not seem to realise is that, most likely, men created these trends way back. Centuries ago, the dressing code was so strict, seeing a bare foot was exciting. I am using feet as an example, since it is a huge turn on to me. But in reality, any "non-conventional" body part liking is seen as abnormal. Enough trouble has been seen from expressing that I thought someone's feet was pretty, I cannot begin to imagine saying the same for armpits, for example. The female body is such a masterpiece, every single part can be erotic. Why the rejection of others? Cursed be the "breasts and bottoms" society.

Excuse the wall of text. I have not tickled anyone in over 4 years; as a 'ler, it is driving me insane. The subject itself, of acceptance of said "fetishes" is a touchy one. Pardon the venting. My comment is irrelevant and unnecessary; it won't change what has been for years. "Fetishes" shall remain as they are. Acceptance is a blinding illusion, speaking from a majoritary society standpoint. All we can do is hope to find that special someone in our lives, who understands and either "accepts" our kinks or, ideally, likes it and complements us.

 

[Wolf]

Excuse the wall of text. I have not tickled anyone in over 4 years; as a 'ler, it is driving me insane. The subject itself, of acceptance of said "fetishes" is a touchy one. Pardon the venting. My comment is irrelevant and unnecessary; it won't change what has been for years. "Fetishes" shall remain as they are. Acceptance is a blinding illusion, speaking from a majoritary society standpoint. All we can do is hope to find that special someone in our lives, who understands and either "accepts" our kinks or, ideally, likes it and complements us.

I think you made a lot of good points; my only issue is with the all-too-familiar use of the pejorative, "vanilla". It's always struck me as odd, being contemptuous of someone because they don't share one's particular fetish, and assuming (most of the time quite wrongly) that because they're not into tickling, they only want missionary sex, silently, like someone banging a Barbie and Ken doll together. I understand the place where that defensive attitude comes from, but think it's counter productive. And wrong.

I've rarely run into people like that; it's much more common to find out that the vanilla girl has a kink or two of her own; it's just that most guys never bother to find out. And, if you've just gone down your list of turn-ons, and nothing matches any of hers, and you're looking at her all sweaty and expecting validation, and you haven't indicated that you might be open to anything else except exactly what you're into, she's not going to feel comfortable telling you what she's into. This is where I make a sharp turn from a lot of people on the forum. I've tried to give advice, as a relatively normal, slightly less than attractive fellow who's had comically good luck in this realm. But I've learned, over the years, that when I tell the truth, it's scoffed at: the things I'm proud of, most people here aren't impressed with, and the things that would impress them, I'm not particularly proud of.

Bear with me, I'm going to make some very broad generalizations here: So, don't assume I mean everyone. But most, in my experience.

Women don't hate feet. But they hate guys who make it clear that they love their feet more than they love them, or who'd rather play with their feet than have sex.
News flash: Lots of women like sex, and a lot of them get turned on by knowing they're turning their partner on. But if they feel like it's not them, it's just their feet, they don't get anything out of that.
And they don't want to be loved just because they let someone indulge their fetish. That's not a girlfriend. That's a cum sponge.

Here's a scenario: A girl you like very much comes over for the old Netflix and Chill, and casually props her feet in your lap during Agents of Shield binge;
And you..

1: Tickle her feet playfully, until she's begging and slapping your shoulder, until eventually, you work up to her sides, until you're pretty much on top of her, and then you kiss her.
2. You tickle her feet playfully, and keep doing it, and keep doing it, and keep doing it, and pay absolutely no attention to her above the ankles, until she feels your hard-on. With her feet.

Which one do you think a "vanilla" woman finds sexy?

 

[Wolf]

Firstly, why does it matter that you're not into boobs? Do you think that if you were, all your problems would just go away?

I have news for you; I've heard just as many women complain about "overgrown man-children and their puerile fascination with tits" as I have about "creepy foot guys".

I hate to say it, but no one here is qualified to help you. Find yourself a good therapist and start digging, because your problems go deeper than just getting off on tickling. And I don't say that to people lightly.

Last thing I'm going to say on the topic; at this point I've worked with like twenty different models. I can tell which ones are just there for the paycheck and which ones are having a blast regardless of the money. There have been faaar more of the latter than the former. They enthusiastically ask to come back and refer their friends. We keep in touch and do stuff outside of "work" - all because they saw an ad on Craigslist and went "tickling? Sign me up!".

Think about it.

Bingo. On the grand scale of "weirdnesses", most women view tickling in the cute and fun category. Because hell, who doesn't like to laugh, and be paid attention to?

 

[Comfort Eagle]

... do any of you have anything resembling pleasant experiences with involving "vanillas" with tickle fetish shit? Like, at all?

I mean are there even any real horror stories where you totally humiliated yourselves over it? Every time one of these threads pops up so many of you act like it's how things should be, or you fear they might be, and very little of anyone actually telling anyone what has happened.

 

[LonelyTickler]

I understand the place where that defensive attitude comes from, but think it's counter productive. And wrong.

Allow me to explain myself, we seem to have a misunderstanding here. I understand your stance Wolf, I do. You do make a good point. When I say "vanilla" it is for lack of better term. "Those who do not actively have fetishes but may or may not have a kink or two" is too long to type, and sounds silly. I did not know about it for a long time even after searching about the "fetish" world. Still, as I can tell, the term became "well known" in the "fetish" community. Same case where "fetishist" is to "vanillas" what defines us. I hate terminology, in any sense or form. "The nerd", "The popular one"... my point is clear. These terminologies, while not directly offensive were, sadly, used in such ways over and over, gaining a pejorative air to it. When I say vanilla, I do not mean it in such way, forgive me if it seemed as if I have something against them. Any suggestion on how to refer to "vanillas" by any other name is appreciated.

I am fortunate enough to not have been through such dramatic situations, never had any problems with "Those who do not actively have fetishes but may or may not have a kink or two". The closest were indirect remarks. In between conversations the foot or tickling subject was brought up and regarded as "weird and creepy". I did, however, know a person or two who had really bad experiences. Word of mouth was spread to where their family heard about it and acceptance did not exactly happen. In another case, they were "shamed" in social media, where co-workers were now calling them "the foot guy", "tickle guy"... you name it. It may seem like a small issue, but allow me to put it this way: To those who do not understand kinks, what they are and how they operate, many things can come to mind. It is what the human brain does. When it does not have knowledge of something, it creates scenarios and possibilities. One of these acquaintances told me they could never playfully tickle anyone at certain places, due to people "knowing" about his kink. We all know that not every tickle is sexual. A playful poke to the ribs can be innocent and just that, a joke. But any attempt of playful behaviour was met with the thought "Sexual", "Weird", "Why is the weirdo trying to indulge his kink with me?".

As I said, never had any major problem. In fact, dated a very kind "vanilla" who not only accepted my kink, and allowed me to tickle her, also turned out to be one of those who "may or may not have a kink or two". She liked to be spanked, something I was reluctant about but developed an understanding and even liking to said kink. Between slaps and tickles, she was very happy. It made me happy in return.

Now, here is where our experiences seem to split. The ones I had, were bad ones in such regard. Women whom I've been involved with, dating, friendship, regardless... was met with an actual feet hate. An example was a good friend of mine. Very kind and active girl, never minded getting flirty with me, but we both knew it was simply friendship. She asked if I minded her taking off her shoes and proceeded to put her feet on my lap, classic case of "feet are killing me". Her facial expression really told me that the pain was not an average one, and as a close friend and someone with therapeutic massage experience I did what anyone else would probably do in my position. I smiled and gave her a massage. As soon as I touched her, the expression went from pain to seriousness. No, she was not particularly ticklish. She never had any traumatic experience as far as I am concerned (she used to tell me every little thing). "Don't do that. I really hate having my feet touched". Very well, one could say it was an isolated case where she had a fear of having her feet touched (it is real for those who do not know). But this was not the only occurrence. What are the odds that I'd come across so many women who have this fear? Very little. I also had good experiences, girls who did not mind at all and loved receiveing massages from a skilled person.

As for the 1 and 2 scenario, I am not a "fetish focused" individual. But just like sexual hunger, I have a tickling hunger, that I need to have it dealt with from time to time. When you are not in an active sexual relationship, there is masturbation. A normal thing, people get horny every now and again to the point where they in fact have to deal with it. It is a basic human necessity. Now for tickling, what could one do? Getting back on track, I am not the type of man to "stay down there" focused on the tickling and not giving her any attention. On the contrary. Can I have a sexual experience without tickling? Absolutely. Could I do it for a lifetime? No. Tickling to me is foreplay, a powerful one. There is nothing that turns me on more than a "tickling session" before sex. Can I please a woman without said foreplay? Once again, absolutely. But if tickling does get involved priorly, my sexual hunger increases by a ridiculous amount. I have been "clawed" by a lover, to the point of blood being drawn from my back. She was not displeased with that sex experience I assure you.

I do not consider myself a bad lover. Perhaps I am simply unlucky, and have yet to find someone like the previously said partner. Regardless, as stated, I have known people who had worse experiences and I do not mind defending them. Everyone deserves to be happy doing whatever pleases them; being frowned upon is horrible. I can sympathize.

 

[Wolf]

I don't like copying huge blocks of text (even if they're my own), so I'm just going to remark on the high points.

Any suggestion on how to refer to "vanillas" by any other name is appreciated.

One of these acquaintances told me they could never playfully tickle anyone at certain places, due to people "knowing" about his kink. We all know that not every tickle is sexual. A playful poke to the ribs can be innocent and just that, a joke. But any attempt of playful behaviour was met with the thought "Sexual", "Weird", "Why is the weirdo trying to indulge his kink with me?".

Regardless, as stated, I have known people who had worst experiences and I do not mind defending them. Everyone deserves to be happy doing whatever pleases them; being frowned upon is horrible. I can sympathize.

You can call someone whatever you like, I was trying to point out that just because someone isn't into tickling, doesn't mean they don't have kinks.
I'm not sure we're getting all the info on that third person account of a horrible experience. Seems to be a lot of conjecture and mind-reading going on. And if it was known that he had a tickle fetish at work, why wouldn't people be weirded out when he tried to tickle them?

Lastly, yes, everyone does deserve to be happy doing what pleases them. But it's not anyone else's responsibility (outside of a relationship) to make them feel good about it. Barring any further details, I'm not sure of how bad your feet-in-the-lap experience was, aside from what was going on in your own head. I do find it strange that she'd put her feet in your lap, but not want them to be touched. Unless she didn't like how you were touching them. or maybe she's just weird like that.

What I keep seeing is people putting off the responsibility for their happiness (at least regarding their fetish) onto someone else. That never works out.

 

[Myriads]

Exactly my point. I can't expect anyone to accept it if it bothers me. And there are quite a few things that bother me about it. I'm not comfortable discussing the psychological damage but that's the biggest concern. And as I mentioned, lack of understanding. I question a lot of things obviously to gain knowledge and search for answers but one thing I still don't get is why. Why are most men into boobs and ass and I'm into women's feet and tickling them? Why can't I control what I'm into? Why am I ashamed and embarrassed of it? Why do I feel like I'll be ridiculed and forced into social isolation for it? Why do I only feel safe on online communities with like minded people as an unknown person? I could go on but you get the point. They're all unanswered questions that I can't figure out.

Part of the issue you seem to be facing is one of projection. You feel ill at ease with your preferences and as a result you project that feeling onto potential partners and assume they will feel the same.

This is a common fallacy that people make about lots of things, and it is the underlying issue in a lot of interpersonal communication problems, because people are assuming how their partner will react rather than actively seeing and hearing how they really do. Sometimes the projection is so great the viewer thinks that the partner is lying or attempting to fool them into thinking that a different view then theirs is held.

One of the first steps to building sound interpersonal interactions is being able to sweep your own expectations of how others will behave off the table, and looking at what is really there.

As to the pile of Whys. Let's do them shooting gallery style.

Why are most men into boobs and ass and I'm into women's feet and tickling them?

Because what you prefer is basically a random assignment by the somewhat faulty process we have for building our sexuality. It often manages to produce a culturally normative result (boobs) but it frequently manages to pick up some random chaff and produce ones off the norm. It's a congruent process. You like feet/tickling the exact same way that someone else likes Boobs. You like certain shapes of feet and toe lengths, they like certain sized boobs and nipples. You like to tickle the feet, they like to fondle and suck the tits. It's not different but for the assignment of focus, and that assignment was not in your control, and was random. Like your height and eye color and even more correctly, your sense of humor, or temperament.

Why can't I control what I'm into?

Because it doesn't work that way. Your sexual preferences are picked for you during a formative period over the first decade of you life and actualized once you move into puberty. The process is not perfect and produces a lot of random results. In fact almost no one gets a 'normative' sexuality and has a few odd bumps and kinks in it. That's how imperfect the process is. It's just that you don't tend to get to see others sexualities laid bare with that gets them all hot and bothered pointed out. But stroll through a few in depth and you always bump into something. Everyone gets dealt a random hand. The odds for something to show are better then others, but its all still random. You play with what you get.

Why am I ashamed and embarrassed of it?

Because you want to be seen as normative to your culture. It's base human nature to want to be accepted by others, and on a deeper level by 'the pack'. Anything that sets one apart from other or the pack becomes a point of personal worry or concern. It makes you different, stand out. And that goes against that base drive to be accepted. This makes one view the trait as a defect, or something they do wrong. That opens the door to shame and embarrassment in their normal roles. It then becomes a feedback loop and down one goes into the rabbit hole.

Why do I feel like I'll be ridiculed and forced into social isolation for it?

See the last answer. Different = bad in most psychologies of group association.

Why do I only feel safe on online communities with like minded people as an unknown person?

This one is sorta rhetorical, but you are anonymous and thus not open to being shamed or singled out, you are with people that posses the same characteristic that bothers you, which means if they shame you they are shaming themselves, and by the fact that there are so many of them with your trait you feel less alone and different, as you can see there are many like you.

and.... clear.

One of the basic and hard parts about growing up is figuring out who the hell one is. When we are young and hear this we tend to think of it in terms of what job we want. But in fact it's a lot more. It's coming to terms with the hand of cards we've been dealt genetically, psychologically, and socially. Everyone gets a unique start point. Some have more advantages, some have more hurdles, some get really shafted and start from waaaaaaay back there. It's not fair in the least. But it is as it is.

You get to work it all out, and build a life out of it.

You get to figure out your sexuality, and then figure out how to live with it. There are no promises either task will be easy.

You always have the right to be as hard on yourself as you want. But it often goes smoother when you allow yourself some space to just be yourself, and accept that. Others approval is wonderful. But you need to approve of yourself first. Because if you go out into life thinking you are wrong or broken or so forth, you are going to find a lot of people who will treat you exactly as you see yourself. And that is very much not fun.

Stop asking why. Start asking yourself how.

Myriads

 

[LonelyTickler]

I don't like copying huge blocks of text (even if they're my own), so I'm just going to remark on the high points.

I do not know all the details, aside from what I was told. In short, he dated someone who was a friend of one of his female co-workers. They had a solid relationship until tickling came into play. His date told said friend and word was spread at his workplace. He heard people talking behind his back and was also warned by one of his friends of what was being said. The expected "weird", "creepy" reactions. Not every single person knew, only a few, it seems. Of course they would be weirded out, but I still feel sorry for his intimacy being abused as it was. Out of his control, thanks to someone who did not see harm in spreading private information. If one accepts and is open to their kink, it should be expected to hear negative feedback. Consequence of being open about it. But he trusted his partner, yet that secrecy was violated. No one's fault, if you think about it. A sad misfortune.

My "feet-in-the-lap" experience was not a "bad" one. After being told she disliked having her feet touched, I respected it and we moved on with our lives. We kept in contact and saw each other as normal. Same with any other occasion, once "I dislike..." was said, I did not pursue it, and things always went on the same way. So with life, you move on. Nothing "really" happened. I am sure it was not the way I was touching them, since there was not a continuous action. I gently placed my hand on one foot and my thumb made contact with her sole. Not a single circular motion was finished. I would indeed agree, "she was weird like that".

This is a complicated subject, once again, I understand your point. But it is very obvious that a relationship consists of two individuals. Sexual activities require another person. Be it sex, be it kinks. How can we blame those who put their sexual happiness onto somebody else's hands? There is no possible way to satisfy one's needs without a willing partner. The only alternative is acceptance. Accept that you won't be able to fulfill those needs, lock them away, and accept any other form of sexual pleasure that comes your way. One your partner is fine with. It is impossible to have sexual satisfaction without experiencing your likings. Such concept baffles me. "Dealing with it" is not true happiness. Accepting your situation is not happiness. It is not a life situation where one can be successful and happy without anyone else having anything to do with it. Personal satisfaction can be achieved in many ways, but sexual ones? You need a partner. If one is fine with watching videos and masturbating, what can I say? I envy them. Relationships are two-way streets, I am open to my partner's kinks, but I am certainly not willing to deny my own. I see members in here who are married to people who do not like to partake in their likings. They have to "deal with it" some other way. Not many are open minded and would allow their loved one to indulge with someone else. To these people, I wish them the best. I could never settle with a woman who does not accept my needs. Neither would I want, even with their permission, to indulge with somebody else. I want to enjoy it with the one I love, a bonding experience. There in nothing wrong with that.

Both of us have strong opinions and life experiences. We won't get anywhere, but a friendly debate is always welcome. I appreciate the respect.

 

[Wolf]

How can we blame those who put their sexual happiness onto somebody else's hands?

My "feet-in-the-lap" experience was not a "bad" one. After being told she disliked having her feet touched, I respected it and we moved on with our lives. We kept in contact and saw each other as normal. Same with any other occasion, once "I dislike..." was said, I did not pursue it, and things always went on the same way. So with life, you move on. Nothing "really" happened. I am sure it was not the way I was touching them, since there was not a continuous action. I gently placed my hand on one foot and my thumb made contact with her sole. Not a single circular motion was finished. I would indeed agree, "she was weird like that".

Because it also, conveniently, puts the responsibility in their hands. Knowing your partner has a kink does not obligate you to cater to it. It's a choice. And it's your choice to stay in a relationship or not, if you're not happy. What if your partner likes tickling, but hates her feet being played with? You seem to have this idea that asking nicely means the partner can never say, "No...sorry...I don't like that", or that the act of saying no is unfair. What if your partner wanted you to do something you really didn't want to do? What if she said that was her kink?

The friend story is still puzzling, only because (perhaps it's a language issue?) some statements seem...odd. "Not a single circular motion was finished"? Was there some significance to a circular pattern? Was it interrupted? Sorry, I look for details, and some seem...cloudy. Like the other story, about "friendly pokes in the ribs at work" by the person telling you their tale of woe...you sort of dropped that part.

At any rate...I think I haven't made myself clear. I never said anything about denying your kinks. Dealing with it refers to taking responsibility for your own happiness. That's all. It's not someone else's responsibility to cater to your kinks. Period. It's their choice. It may be brave (depending on your perspective) to reveal your kinks to a partner, but it's not noble. There is an agenda, after all. You want what you want, and there's not a damn thing wrong with that. But no one, and I mean no one...is obligated to do what you want just because you say that's what you want.

Dealing with it means making yourself happy. For some of us, it was finding partners who were sexually compatible. For others, it's finding partners who are open-minded. Still others will suffer in very much not silence.

It's your responsibility. No one else's. That doesn't mean denying yourself anything.

 

[LonelyTickler]

Sorry, I look for details, and some seem...cloudy.

It is far from being a language issue, but interpretation and mindset.

I have never said anything along the lines of a partner not being allowed to say "no". That is preposterous. Everyone is free to make their own choices. I am speaking for myself when I say that, I would not be in a relationship where my partner expects me to accept their fetishes, when they do not want to partake in mine. Or if they do not have any, and also reject mine. If my partner liked tickling, but not having their feet played with, I do not see a future to said relationship. It may sound shallow of me, but I know for a fact that a kink denial would impact me in the long run. Not because I do not love my partner, but denying myself to indulge in said activities would make me unhappy, which would affect my abilities to make them happy. I also do not expect a partner to participate all the time. Every once in a while is enough. I do not think I can make myself clearer than this. It is no one's obligation to do something they are not fond of for their partner's sake, but equality is to be expected. Either both have their kinks indulged, or no kinks at all. If one of them is willing to compromise, deny their fetishes, yet partake on their partner's, that is their own choice. If they can be happy with such choice, more power to them.

"Not a single circular motion was finished". The most basic massage technique implies the use of your thumb, gently applying pressure and performing circular motions. She pulled her foot away before I could finish said motion. I do not think my description was cloudy or lacked detail. As for the "pokes at work", how did I drop that part? The first paragraph of my previous answer was about that story. After his liking was known at his work place, at some point, some time after, he poked a co-worker. The co-worker joked about something, he poked her. People around felt weirded out. I also look for details. If I am not being clear enough, do tell me and I shall attempt to enlighten you to the best of my ability.

Once again, I agree with you. I see no need to further discuss it, but reinforcing. I do not expect a random partner to cater to my likings, the whole point I am trying to conceive is: Thanks to misinformed and quick to judge people (Not every "vanilla" is like this, I am pointing out the ones who, in fact, are.) it is hard for us "kinky people" to find a suitable partner. Their minds clouded, makes it complicated to introduce the concept to them and be met with acceptance. People like to judge.

In this regard, I am one who looks for the ideal mate. A mate who is sexually, mentally and physically compatible. Allow me to be redundant, no one should ever expect to be accepted by everyone. I am on the look out. Not "sitting, waiting wishing". Nor am I trying to "convert" people into doing what I want them to. The whole point: There may be fish in the sea, but finding the ideal one when waves are crashing against you, is hard. Some people fall in love with a person who does not want to partake, and end up denying their kinks for the sake of said person. It happens, a lot.

Truth is, everyone wants to find their ideal partner.