Tickling Fetish ‘Acceptance’ ?

[Zeezil]

Can I just chime in here and make the argument for staying IN the closet about it?

[I posted a slightly different version of this under the "Tickling has ruined my life" (it has NOT, in my case, btw) thread, but realize now it might be more applicable to this thread] Anyway, here goes...

No one knows about my tickling fetish specifically, and no one ever will. I used to fear that people in my life would find out about it (and still do, to a certain extent) but I believe it's frankly nobody's business what goes on inside my head. Yes, even my wife's (more on her in a second). Also, for the record, I may be a bit different than others in that my tickling kink is more nuanced...I love mainstream stuff more than anything. Witnessing (or participating in) tickling-in-real-life stuff that's non-sexual (think pedicures, medical check ups, massages, those Ren Faire videos, etc.). I do not want anyone, ever to know about this. I am not ashamed of it, mind you (I'm quite proud of it, actually!) but it's all in between my ears, and I will forever keep it that way.

I believe I've protected myself by:

1. Never keeping anything on my computer, ever, that suggests that I have this fetish. Delete cookies, delete history. EVERY time (Firefox is good about this). No special folders. No hidden files. You don't need to save anything anymore like you used to years ago, almost everything great from years past can now be found with a good search on the internet (thanks, Pornhub!) and there's of course new great stuff being created every day.

2. Certainly never printing anything out or having any sort of hard evidence (magazines, VHS tapes, etc.) of it. Again, in this day and age, there's absolutely no need.

3. Never telling a soul about it. Ever. Even my wife of many years (who is very ticklish but definitely does not share our fetish). And don't get me wrong, I indulge as much as I can, but there's something romantic and almost MORE erotic about us both pretending that I don't have it...I mean, she definitely knows it turns me on (both 'lee and 'ler), but the fact that it's never been expressed, in the open, makes it even MORE hot when we have sex. Seriously. (This is a whole other discussion, of course. You've got to do things that turn her on too, and make it not all about you every time. It's a balance, yadda yadda yadda, but seriously, all that stuff is true in any serious and successful relationship).

Bottom line, there is something almost reassuring and peaceful, actually, knowing that this entire thing only exists between my ears. As far as I'm concerned the secret shall never be exposed, because no one knows about it. (Years ago in college, my circle of friends and I occasionally mentioned foot fetishes, and I was accused of having one a couple of times, and even that I denied, but honestly, foot fetishes are WAY more common than this, so the very small handful of people years ago who aren't really even in my life anymore, who might know that nice female feet turn me on, really I couldn't care less about).

So my advice is this:

1. If you're open about it and "out" about it, good for you and more power to you. If it works for you, it works for you. Moreover if you can find a partner who also has one, obviously that's ideal sexually, but keep in mind there's a lot more to good relationships than sexual compatibility, trust me.

2. If a couple of people in your life know about it, and that makes you uncomfortable, then stem the bleeding now and try not to ever let anyone else ever know. Whoever knows probably has their own secrets that they hope the world never finds out about, and they likely don't spend a second of their day thinking about yours. [Close family members like siblings and bad Exes might be a different story]

3. If up to this point you've managed to remain 100% in the closet (like me) and are happy with that, I say keep it that way. Trust me, as someone who is secularly blessed (NOT cursed) with this fetish, in my opinion it's way better to keep it to yourself entirely. I am living a very fulfilling life and have zero regrets regarding my actions and this fetish. I have a multitude of mind-blowing experiences in my "spank bank" (pardon the phrase) and you can too, and outside of my wife almost all of them were achieved in 100% non-sexual situations. [Here's an example: If anyone in my life knew that watching that Skin Wars Season 2 finale with the foot painting on it completely blew my mind and was the hottest thing I've ever seen on mainstream TV, I'd find that very embarrassing. But actually participating in a scenario like that IN real life would be even better, right? Being 100% in the closet inoculates you from being exposed (because all it takes is that one person knowing, somehow seeing you in that situation, and saying "hey, Zeezil is getting off on that!") while at the same time allows you to maybe actually participate in something mind-blowingly awesome like that someday, worry free. And yes, I've been lucky enough to experience things like that in real life numerous times (though not that specifically, but hope springs eternal! )]

This is all predicated on the following belief, which not everyone may agree with: Provided you are not violating or harming another human being in any way (that's extremely important), if something gets you off, that's your business, no ones else's. I firmly believe that what goes on inside your brain is 100% YOUR OWN BUSINESS. And if it's only in your brain, and has never been let out, there's nothing to worry about. Embrace this, follow the golden rule, don't do stupid things (like violating or harming another human being in any way in pursuit of your kicks) and enjoy your life!

 

[Wolf]

Thanks to misinformed and quick to judge people (Not every "vanilla" is like this, I am pointing out the ones who, in fact, are.) it is hard for us "kinky people" to find a suitable partner. Their minds clouded, makes it complicated to introduce the concept to them and be met with acceptance. People like to judge.

No, it's not that hard. Really. But you'd have to spend more energy realizing there's nothing wrong with you, and less on insisting that there's something wrong with other people. And I mean this in all sincerity: If you spent half as much time enjoying yourself as you do coming up with poetic ways to express feeling sorry for yourself, you would have more wriggling, ticklish feet than you'd know what to do with. Being honest with yourself is difficult, to be sure, and it's an ongoing process. But the rewards are amazing, and it's a lot less work than all the bullshit your thought processes entail.

 

[Wolf]

Can I just chime in here and make the argument for staying IN the closet about it?
This is all predicated on the following belief, which not everyone may agree with: Provided you are not violating or harming another human being in any way (that's extremely important), if something gets you off, that's your business, no ones else's. I firmly believe that what goes on inside your brain is 100% YOUR OWN BUSINESS. And if it's only in your brain, and has never been let out, there's nothing to worry about. Embrace this, follow the golden rule, don't do stupid things (like violating or harming another human being in any way in pursuit of your kicks) and enjoy your life!

Very interesting. I don't doubt that you're happy with your situation at all, and that's what counts. I am curious, though...aside from the pretending you don't have it, which is enjoyable for you, have you ever considered the benefits of sharing it, with the one person who might like to know?

Here are a few examples of how it's worked for me:

My wife and I both love Skin Wars, too, and part of the conversation on the couch is her saying, "That's pretty! But that would tickle, bad!" or, "I'd do that... but you know they'd have to bind me somehow to do it, right?".

There's nothing like watching your wife start a tickle fight with a friend at a party, and watching her lose. On purpose. And enthusiastically.

She knows I'm a belly fan, and a Pink fan (go figure). So, once, when were in line at a store, I saw her look down, get this incredibly indulgent smile, and then say, "Honey...look down and to your right." There was a SHAPE magazine, with Pink on the cover, pulling up her shirt. My wife smiled wickedly and said, "Tell me who's got a good wife".

If your partner knows what turns you on, and likes you being turned on, they're going to do things to turn you on. That's my experience, anyway.

But, if you're happy, that's what counts, and good for you.

 

[LonelyTickler]

No, it's not that hard. Really. But you'd have to spend more energy realizing there's nothing wrong with you, and less on insisting that there's something wrong with other people. And I mean this in all sincerity: If you spent half as much time enjoying yourself as you do coming up with poetic ways to express feeling sorry for yourself, you would have more wriggling, ticklish feet than you'd know what to do with. Being honest with yourself is difficult, to be sure, and it's an ongoing process. But the rewards are amazing, and it's a lot less work than all the bullshit your thought processes entail.

I am not trying to come up with poetic ways to express how "sorry I am" for myself. This is how I speak, and also a requirement in my line of work. If it bothers you, there is nothing to be done I'm afraid. Funny how even inside the community, people are quick to judge. Such place was created for us to bond and share experiences, not be destructive. We do not know anything about each other, making assumptions is pointless. I wonder why is it so complex for some to understand that bad experiences can happen. Not everyone has the same luck. I never met, in person, anyone who liked to be tickled, nor thinks a tickle fetish is "cute". I wish I had such luck, but I do not. Why is it so hard to digest? Being so defensive about someone trying to defend themselves and others who have had negative experiences in the fetish world. How ironic.

I was honestly attempting to comprehend and incorporate your point of view, but since you seem to think that what I said was "all bullshit", we have nothing left to discuss. Let us agree to disagree.

 

[Wolf]

I am not trying to come up with poetic ways to express how "sorry I am" for myself. This is how I speak, and also a requirement in my line of work. If it bothers you, there is nothing to be done I'm afraid. Funny how even inside the community, people are quick to judge. Such place was created for us to bond and share experiences, not be destructive. We do not know anything about each other, making assumptions is pointless. I wonder why is it so complex for some to understand that bad experiences can happen. Not everyone has the same luck. I never met, in person, anyone who liked to be tickled, nor thinks a tickle fetish is "cute". I wish I had such luck, but I do not. Why is it so hard to digest? Being so defensive about someone trying to defend themselves and others who have had negative experiences in the fetish world. How ironic.

I was honestly attempting to comprehend and incorporate your point of view, but since you seem to think that what I said was "all bullshit", we have nothing left to discuss. Let us agree to disagree.

I'm trying to be constructive, I really am. It's quite frustrating, you know, because you're not the only voice here that screams about the darkness when some of us are saying, "Sure, it's dark..but , Dude, there's a flashlight right there!" but all you want to do is talk about how dark it is.
If all you wanted was acceptance and validation of your particular experience, you should have said so at the outset. That's the whole point, isn't it?

Sure, can can agree to disagree. But, in parting, I'll ask, and feel free to ignore the question... If what you're doing now isn't making you happy, and you're convinced you're right....exactly how do you expect things to change?

 

[Zeezil]

Very interesting. I don't doubt that you're happy with your situation at all, and that's what counts. I am curious, though...aside from the pretending you don't have it, which is enjoyable for you, have you ever considered the benefits of sharing it, with the one person who might like to know?

Those are great examples, thanks Wolf! Oh, she knows it turns me on in bed, trust me. And I've become more a 'lee over the years than a 'ler (plus she doesn't exactly love being tickled). I don't even know if she even realizes that this is a fetish (nor does the majority of the world, I would venture to say). But she gives me what I want in bed, and I give her what she wants (vanilla stuff), so it works for us. (Not gonna lie though, we don't have sex as often as we did when we were newlyweds. But I guess that makes us like most married couples after a lot of years! lol)

I guess I look at my married sex life and my fetish for everyday mainstream tickling as almost like two different things. I definitely think about some of those mainstream things during foreplay. But I really cherish them and feel secure in the fact that I'm the only one that knows about it. This might not work for everyone, but it's a choice that LonelyTickler might consider. It definitely works for me.

One more thing (this is more to LonelyTickler): I don't think it's unreasonable to look for someone who shares this fetish (or at least tolerates yours) but keep in mind that this particular fetish is extremely rare. I'll tell you right now that yes, when I was single, I definitely "ruled out" getting serious with girls with disgusting or ugly feet. Become friends? Absolutely. Wife material? No way. Maybe that's shallow, but whatever. Finding your mate is about compatibility in all things (mental, physical, spiritual, etc.). But finding a girl with nice feet and is not that hard. Finding a girl who is perfect for you to marry, is hard but of course not impossible. Finding a girl who is perfect for you in everything else AND has a tickle fetish too, well, it's not impossible, but you might waste your whole life looking for her. How does the saying go? "Don't make the perfect the enemy of the good?" (And no, that doesn't mean "settle.") I guess my point is, there are ethical ways to indulge this fetish (that are not cheating) even after you're married.

I HIGHLY HIGHLY HIGHLY recommend you listen to Dan Savage's Podcast 463 which deals specifically with tickling (one caller, anyway). And also read the comments on http://www.savagelovecast. com/ episodes/463 [remove the space]

Some great stuff there, seriously, go check it out.

 

[Wolf]

Those are great examples, thanks Wolf! Oh, she knows it turns me on in bed, trust me. And I've become more a 'lee over the years than a 'ler (plus she doesn't exactly love being tickled). I don't even know if she even realizes that this is a fetish (nor does the majority of the world, I would venture to say). But she gives me what I want in bed, and I give her what she wants (vanilla stuff), so it works for us. (Not gonna lie though, we don't have sex as often as we did when we were newlyweds. But I guess that makes us like most married couples after a lot of years! lol)

I guess I look at my married sex life and my fetish for everyday mainstream tickling as almost like two different things. I definitely think about some of those mainstream things during foreplay. But I really cherish them and feel secure in the fact that I'm the only one that knows about it. This might not work for everyone, but it's a choice that LonelyTickler might consider. It definitely works for me.

One more thing (this is more to LonelyTickler): I don't think it's unreasonable to look for someone who shares this fetish (or at least tolerates yours) but keep in mind that this particular fetish is extremely rare. I'll tell you right now that yes, when I was single, I definitely "ruled out" getting serious with girls with disgusting or ugly feet. Become friends? Absolutely. Wife material? No way. Maybe that's shallow, but whatever. Finding your mate is about compatibility in all things (mental, physical, spiritual, etc.). But finding a girl with nice feet and is not that hard. Finding a girl who is perfect for you to marry, is hard but of course not impossible. Finding a girl who is perfect for you in everything else AND has a tickle fetish too, well, it's not impossible, but you might waste your whole life looking for her. How does the saying go? "Don't make the perfect the enemy of the good?" (And no, that doesn't mean "settle.") I guess my point is, there are ethical ways to indulge this fetish (that are not cheating) even after you're married.

I HIGHLY HIGHLY HIGHLY recommend you listen to Dan Savage's Podcast 463 which deals specifically with tickling (one caller, anyway). And also read the comments on http://www.savagelovecast. com/ episodes/463 [remove the space]

Some great stuff there, seriously, go check it out.

I can see your logic, and if it works for you, it works for you. I don't think anyone could question that.

 

[LonelyTickler]

I'm trying to be constructive, I really am. It's quite frustrating, you know, because you're not the only voice here that screams about the darkness when some of us are saying, "Sure, it's dark..but , Dude, there's a flashlight right there!" but all you want to do is talk about how dark it is. If all you wanted was acceptance and validation of your particular experience, you should have said so at the outset. That's the whole point, isn't it?

Sure, can can agree to disagree. But, in parting, I'll ask, and feel free to ignore the question... If what you're doing now isn't making you happy, and you're convinced you're right....exactly how do you expect things to change?

Ah, Wolf... we are too stubborn for our own good. I am not attempting to be dark and not see the light at the end of the tunnel. This is a thread about what do we think about, and our experiences with "acceptance" when it comes to our kink. I am not seeking acceptance, validation nor sympathy. I have seen threads and posts in TMF where people express frustration regarding the subject, that do not get discussed. 90% of posts here are good things. These amazing experiences where people meet magical beings who like to be tickled. The bubbly friend, the flirty cousin, the sexy aunt... you name it. "Do not read those stories then", "Do not come to the forum". That is not the point. We love those stories and dream with the day we can experience it ourselves.

I understand your frustration, we are frustrated as well. For different reasons, but frustrated regardless. I simply posted so those out there who are unhappy with their kink life, or share the same feelings or experiences realise they are not the only ones. Realise that life is not a fairy tale and it is not abnormal when they are not finding someone compatible, be it a lover or a "kink partner". Or those who find themselves troubled by a denied urge. Not only that, simply adding another point of view to the discussion. People are free to agree or disagree, and move on. Would some of us be happier if we did not have this kink? If breasts and bottoms were our interest? Perhaps. Tickling and I have a love/hate relationship.

The grand scheme of things won't change. A good part of the population shall never accept "fetishes" entirely. The other part is out there, having their fun. All that is left is to adapt and grow. I'll keep living my life until I meet someone whom I can satisfy my desires with. Lover, "kink partner", who knows?

One more thing (this is more to LonelyTickler)

I do not expect a "perfect match". It would be unrealistic. But I did have a really good relationship in the past. Fairly attractive girl who did not mind the attention to her feet, and tolerated being tickled. Not turned on by it, but liked that it made me happy. I am a very serious person, with a mean glare. She said my eyes would light up whenever I tickled her, it was everything she needed in "exchange" for being tickled. That, and her so liked spanking every now and then. We accepted each other's kinks, that was enough. I do not need someone who necessarily has a tickling fetish.

I got close to a good match. Being stubborn, I refuse to lower my standards. "Achieve it or die trying". Has anyone ever starved to death due to tickling hunger? I hope not.

 

[Rectangle]

I've been back home this weekend, and haven't been able to post much.
I was kind of looking forward to hopping back into this discussion, but man, I don't even know where to go from here.
Some of you guys really.. really ..seem to want to view tickling, and their fondness for it, as some negative thing that absolutely must, under all circumstances stay hidden from the people they love and trust the most.

I can't understand that mindset anymore. At one point in my life, maybe. But now it just depresses me.
All the guilt, the hiding, the seemingly widespread opinion that this is some dangerous thing to be suppressed within oneself.
People in this thread are backing each other up on the idea that this is some "bad" thing that must be hidden.
It's so..negative.

Even the way you guys talk about it comes off as negative.
I think I even saw one guy above reference drugging a girl and tying her down to tickle her.

I can't comprehend seeing something so..happy, so carefree and playful as something so dark and guilt inducing.
Maybe that's part of it. If the trick to opening up about this is all in the presentation, maybe you folks need to work on how you present it to yourselves first.

When I told my wife about my "kink", I explained tickling to her as I saw it.
That "..when you're being tickled, at that moment you are expressing yourself more purely than you ever could allow yourself to.
Nobody is ever pretending to be something they're not when they're being tickled, they're not thinking about bills or the drama in their life.
They're not worried about how others see them in that moment, all walls are momentarily torn down.
Their reactions are pure human, untamed, savage and beautiful.
They smile brighter than they normally allow themselves to smile and laugh deeper and with less restraint than they ever would have laughed normally.
The brain resists this natural, beautiful thing and when you tie someone down to tickle them, you're simply removing that resistance from the equation so that that pure reaction can shine through.
Tickling someone (with consent, mind you), even though they reflexively want you to stop, is a kindness, because you're allowing them to be vulnerable in a way that they normally never would have been able to be.
It's one of the most beautiful gifts, in my opinion, that evolution has given us as human beings."


THAT is how I presented it to my wife, and how I present it to myself.
There's absolutely nothing to be ashamed of in that, you're recognizing the beauty in someone's unrestrained expression of joy and savage vulnerability, and the kindness in being willing to help them achieve that state.
There's nothing negative in that.
My wife responded in kind, understood completely, and now she's here, and literally just told me on the phone not fifteen minutes ago that after this weekend, she's really starting to see the allure of being tickled.
I expressed it as a positive thing, she understood it as a positive thing, we practice it as a positive thing, and now she's damn near acquired a full on taste for it.

There's a big difference in that, and "..I want to drug you and strap you down and tickle you until you scream."
That shit's just dark dude.
Really dark.
If that's how I saw my love for tickling, I wouldn't want to share that shit with someone I loved, either.

But you can change how you view this thing.
You're not changing your attraction to it, but what you find attractive in it.

This isn't some evil, dark practice involving pain and blood and anguish.
You're literally bringing unrestrained laughter into someone's life for a moment in time.


I just..I can't. I can't see this as you guys do.
Maybe that's ok. Maybe part of the allure of it to you guys is that it's dark and secret and scary and mean.
If so, I'm not here to knock you.

But if you're legitimately wanting to open up about this to someone you love and can't, then just focus on how you present it to yourself, and that will come out in how you present it to them.

Repressed shit is a bitch, I dealt with it for thirty years, and I've never been as happy or fulfilled as I have when I let that shit go and started to enjoy myself.
I wish the same for all of you folks.

 

[LonelyTickler]

I think I even saw one guy above reference drugging a girl and tying her down to tickle her.
(...) That shit's just dark dude.

I was the one who posted about it, this was the segment:

" It gets worse, oh so much worse when something along these lines is seen: "Now knock her out with (insert drug/liquid name), tie her down and tickle her until she screams". (...) In other words, the rotten apples stand out much more in any situation. "

I mentioned it because I have seen before, here on TMF, two or three posts of this nature. The one I remember the most was a very innocent story about how the guy saw the girl he liked barefoot, how pretty they were and asked people to wish him luck. Then one comment was something along these lines: "Now find out if she is ticklish. Give her 'X' drug and go nuts until she pees". Not only TMF, I have seen on other websites comments of such nature and they are disturbing. Even as a joke. The sad truth is, even if they were in fact joking, I am sure there are those out there who do enjoy a real tickling torture. As twisted as the concept may seem. Fact is, many are terrified of being tickled. In most cases, thanks to someone pushing them beyond their limit when younger. They grow up traumatized. Imagine one of those people seeing a website dedicated to it. The ads with images showing people tied down and being tickled. Even the title of some threads and questions asked here. "Tickled to tears", "How can I make her more ticklish", "What is the best way to strap somebody down"... they would be horrified. Who can blame them?

Even if being positive when presenting it to someone who does not know nor understand the "kink", if they went through one of those traumatizing experiences, no amount of positivity would help. It was posted not too long ago a reddit link discussing the worst physical sensations aside from pain. It is sad to see people hating tickling as if it is the devil himself. "How the hell can people like this?", "It is the worst thing in world!", "If you try to tickle someone you are sick and cruel, abusing an involuntary physical vulnerability!". It is worth reading it, if you manage to find it.

Tickling may not be a bad and twisted thing. Some of us are gentle and caring 'lers who worry about the 'lees and their safety, but end up overshadowed by the rotten apples who abuse and disregard their limits. Which applies to anything. "People who comment on YouTube are heartless trolls". "Those who like video games are antisocial and aggressive"... bad behaviour gains more attention than good. Sad, but true.

 

[Rectangle]

I was the one who posted about it.

Ah, I was scrolling up and trying to find where I thought I had seen it, and wound up just responding instead while my thoughts were fresh.
Apologies if it came off as if I was saying that was something you wanted.

 

[LonelyTickler]

Ah, I was scrolling up and trying to find where I thought I had seen it, and wound up just responding instead while my thoughts were fresh.
Apologies if it came off as if I was saying that was something you wanted.

Do not worry about it, no harm done.

 

[Wolf]

I've been back home this weekend, and haven't been able to post much.
I was kind of looking forward to hopping back into this discussion, but man, I don't even know where to go from here.
Repressed shit is a bitch, I dealt with it for thirty years, and I've never been as happy or fulfilled as I have when I let that shit go and started to enjoy myself.
I wish the same for all of you folks.

Hey, welcome back. Yeah, it's been a little frustrating here as of late. 🙂
I've come to the conclusion that there are some things that you just can't convey to someone who hasn't had the same experience. There's too much to explain, on too many levels.
It's like being in the military. It's your life, all the time. There's really no such thing as off duty, just times when you're not on the job. You can't really explain that to a civilian. I've tried.
I'm starting to feel like it's the same with being happy with yourself regarding this thing we're into. We can understand their viewpoint, because we've been there, but there's no way they can understand ours.
They just haven't been there. Yet.

 

[chicago]

... do any of you have anything resembling pleasant experiences with involving "vanillas" with tickle fetish shit? Like, at all?

I mean are there even any real horror stories where you totally humiliated yourselves over it? Every time one of these threads pops up so many of you act like it's how things should be, or you fear they might be, and very little of anyone actually telling anyone what has happened.

Yeah someone here found my facebook and sent messages with links to my tmf profile to my friends family and coworkers. Pretty much forced me to stop giving any fucks.

 

[Wolf]

Yeah someone here found my facebook and sent messages with links to my tmf profile to my friends family and coworkers. Pretty much forced me to stop giving any fucks.

There are some seriously creepy people here.

 

[Comfort Eagle]

Yeah someone here found my facebook and sent messages with links to my tmf profile to my friends family and coworkers. Pretty much forced me to stop giving any fucks.

Yeah ok, that's a rough one.

 

[kingofkaboom]

Part of the issue you seem to be facing is one of projection. You feel ill at ease with your preferences and as a result you project that feeling onto potential partners and assume they will feel the same.

This is a common fallacy that people make about lots of things, and it is the underlying issue in a lot of interpersonal communication problems, because people are assuming how their partner will react rather than actively seeing and hearing how they really do. Sometimes the projection is so great the viewer thinks that the partner is lying or attempting to fool them into thinking that a different view then theirs is held.

One of the first steps to building sound interpersonal interactions is being able to sweep your own expectations of how others will behave off the table, and looking at what is really there.

As to the pile of Whys. Let's do them shooting gallery style.



Because what you prefer is basically a random assignment by the somewhat faulty process we have for building our sexuality. It often manages to produce a culturally normative result (boobs) but it frequently manages to pick up some random chaff and produce ones off the norm. It's a congruent process. You like feet/tickling the exact same way that someone else likes Boobs. You like certain shapes of feet and toe lengths, they like certain sized boobs and nipples. You like to tickle the feet, they like to fondle and suck the tits. It's not different but for the assignment of focus, and that assignment was not in your control, and was random. Like your height and eye color and even more correctly, your sense of humor, or temperament.



Because it doesn't work that way. Your sexual preferences are picked for you during a formative period over the first decade of you life and actualized once you move into puberty. The process is not perfect and produces a lot of random results. In fact almost no one gets a 'normative' sexuality and has a few odd bumps and kinks in it. That's how imperfect the process is. It's just that you don't tend to get to see others sexualities laid bare with that gets them all hot and bothered pointed out. But stroll through a few in depth and you always bump into something. Everyone gets dealt a random hand. The odds for something to show are better then others, but its all still random. You play with what you get.



Because you want to be seen as normative to your culture. It's base human nature to want to be accepted by others, and on a deeper level by 'the pack'. Anything that sets one apart from other or the pack becomes a point of personal worry or concern. It makes you different, stand out. And that goes against that base drive to be accepted. This makes one view the trait as a defect, or something they do wrong. That opens the door to shame and embarrassment in their normal roles. It then becomes a feedback loop and down one goes into the rabbit hole.



See the last answer. Different = bad in most psychologies of group association.



This one is sorta rhetorical, but you are anonymous and thus not open to being shamed or singled out, you are with people that posses the same characteristic that bothers you, which means if they shame you they are shaming themselves, and by the fact that there are so many of them with your trait you feel less alone and different, as you can see there are many like you.

and.... clear.

One of the basic and hard parts about growing up is figuring out who the hell one is. When we are young and hear this we tend to think of it in terms of what job we want. But in fact it's a lot more. It's coming to terms with the hand of cards we've been dealt genetically, psychologically, and socially. Everyone gets a unique start point. Some have more advantages, some have more hurdles, some get really shafted and start from waaaaaaay back there. It's not fair in the least. But it is as it is.

You get to work it all out, and build a life out of it.

You get to figure out your sexuality, and then figure out how to live with it. There are no promises either task will be easy.

You always have the right to be as hard on yourself as you want. But it often goes smoother when you allow yourself some space to just be yourself, and accept that. Others approval is wonderful. But you need to approve of yourself first. Because if you go out into life thinking you are wrong or broken or so forth, you are going to find a lot of people who will treat you exactly as you see yourself. And that is very much not fun.

Stop asking why. Start asking yourself how.

Myriads

Wow. The fact that you took the time and thought in your response is unbelievable. Thank you it means a lot. I just want to get to that point where I can be comfortable in my own skin, so to speak. But I know that it's a point that's long and far from where I currently am and I'm not so sure I'm capable of doing so. I've had this thing my entire life and I've made no progress at all with my own acceptance. It's very discouraging. So HOW do I change behavior that is instinctive to me? HOW do I make such an adjustment? HOW do I continue to improve? HOW do I resist the urge to fight who I am? Am I just too young to comprehend? I don't want to be 30, 40 years old and have all my opportunities pass me by because I can't go back. But at the same time, I'm clearly not ready to take those risks in the first place. It doesn't help that I'm not much of a risk taker to begin with. Either way, they're both not good.

 

[Myriads]

Wow. The fact that you took the time and thought in your response is unbelievable. Thank you it means a lot. I just want to get to that point where I can be comfortable in my own skin, so to speak. But I know that it's a point that's long and far from where I currently am and I'm not so sure I'm capable of doing so. I've had this thing my entire life and I've made no progress at all with my own acceptance. It's very discouraging. So HOW do I change behavior that is instinctive to me? HOW do I make such an adjustment? HOW do I continue to improve? HOW do I resist the urge to fight who I am? Am I just too young to comprehend? I don't want to be 30, 40 years old and have all my opportunities pass me by because I can't go back. But at the same time, I'm clearly not ready to take those risks in the first place. It doesn't help that I'm not much of a risk taker to begin with. Either way, they're both not good.

Well you've made the first step in changing with the realization that by doing nothing, you are missing out on opportunities in the now, that your future self may regret. That in itself is a major one, as it provides the motivation to do the needful work.

The next step is to identify the behavior you want to change. AND know how you want to change it.

From what you have written, the center of the issue you are dealing with is accepting your own preference for tickling. This is a very common issue to struggle with, and many people in the community have faced it. Poke around the forum a bit and you'll see others looking for the same answers you have going back to our start.

Having self-acceptance issues is usually akin to having a conflict with your view of yourself, and what you feel the culture expects of you, and they don't match well. Thus the dissonance you feel.

If that is the core that you want to change, then your path is one of examination, and learning. Examination in that you look at yourself and see how the things that turn you on work, learn about yourself, see how you function. Then take that knowledge and compare it to the greater population. Come to see that most people have preferences that stray from the norm that you have been taught. See that people all struggle with their own specific self-doubts and issues, and are often as afraid as you are.

This is the sort of thing you need to keep reminding yourself of each time you feel the old conditioning pushing at you. You don't just stop thinking one way some day, you learn a new way to think in place of the old script, and eventually the new thinking is your norm.

It's not easy, and it's not instant. But it does work.

What is required is that you try. It's not as scary as you think.

Myriads

 

[Rectangle]

Yeah someone here found my facebook and sent messages with links to my tmf profile to my friends family and coworkers. Pretty much forced me to stop giving any fucks.

That's disgustingly sick.

 

[kingofkaboom]

Well you've made the first step in changing with the realization that by doing nothing, you are missing out on opportunities in the now, that your future self may regret. That in itself is a major one, as it provides the motivation to do the needful work.

The next step is to identify the behavior you want to change. AND know how you want to change it.

From what you have written, the center of the issue you are dealing with is accepting your own preference for tickling. This is a very common issue to struggle with, and many people in the community have faced it. Poke around the forum a bit and you'll see others looking for the same answers you have going back to our start.

Having self-acceptance issues is usually akin to having a conflict with your view of yourself, and what you feel the culture expects of you, and they don't match well. Thus the dissonance you feel.

If that is the core that you want to change, then your path is one of examination, and learning. Examination in that you look at yourself and see how the things that turn you on work, learn about yourself, see how you function. Then take that knowledge and compare it to the greater population. Come to see that most people have preferences that stray from the norm that you have been taught. See that people all struggle with their own specific self-doubts and issues, and are often as afraid as you are.

This is the sort of thing you need to keep reminding yourself of each time you feel the old conditioning pushing at you. You don't just stop thinking one way some day, you learn a new way to think in place of the old script, and eventually the new thinking is your norm.

It's not easy, and it's not instant. But it does work.

What is required is that you try. It's not as scary as you think.

Myriads

Thank you for sharing your philosophy. If I ever reach that goal I definitely owe you. I know I have to try and apply those concepts, which is going to be a real struggle.

 

[Wolf]

Thank you for sharing your philosophy. If I ever reach that goal I definitely owe you. I know I have to try and apply those concepts, which is going to be a real struggle.

That's really very brave, good luck! If you need any support, there's quite a few of us you could reach out to. It's not easy, as I've said, the rewards are amazing.

 

[kingofkaboom]

That's really very brave, good luck! If you need any support, there's quite a few of us you could reach out to. It's not easy, as I've said, the rewards are amazing.

Thank you. I'm grateful for people like you and I greatly appreciate the help. The fear has controlled me and conquering it will by far be the most difficult task I could ever attempt. I guess one thing that's held me back is my inability to handle failure and it only gets worse the more it happens. It's unhealthy but it's no simple fix. Being successful would mean everything and be a relief from all that failing. I don't know how long I will continue to allow it to overpower me. I just hope it's gone soon.

 

[Libertine]

....The fear has controlled me and conquering it will by far be the most difficult task I could ever attempt. I guess one thing that's held me back is my inability to handle failure and it only gets worse the more it happens. It's unhealthy but it's no simple fix. Being successful would mean everything and be a relief from all that failing. I don't know how long I will continue to allow it to overpower me. I just hope it's gone soon.

If you think one success will mean no more failures ever, please have a little re-think.

To live is to fail- just try to get it right a bit more than you get it wrong. And if you manage that 60% of the time, you'll be doing far better than most.

 

[Wolf]

Thank you. I'm grateful for people like you and I greatly appreciate the help. The fear has controlled me and conquering it will by far be the most difficult task I could ever attempt. I guess one thing that's held me back is my inability to handle failure and it only gets worse the more it happens. It's unhealthy but it's no simple fix. Being successful would mean everything and be a relief from all that failing. I don't know how long I will continue to allow it to overpower me. I just hope it's gone soon.

Since you're looking inward, and not pointing fingers at everyone else, you're on the the right track. And as for failure, I guess a lot depends on how you define it.