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Vintage Scripts (a collection of original amateur screenplays).

The off-screen scream is indeed the key to climactic action, Hawk! And, alas, we aren't done with needless pain yet! Without blowing any upcoming plot details, let me promise plenty of stomping and piercing ahead! If comedy truly is misfortune happening to someone else (... actually, you can define tragedy that way too), tons of laughs are looming!
 
Part 8​


Peabody and the boys hear a second scream. They travel pell-mell in the direction of the sound. They come upon the body of Doc Gruber, hideously pin-cushioned with cactus needles.

At this point, the Professor makes a silly "yechh" noise, in which the tone of the first syllable rises sharply, with the second plummeting in tone even more rapidly.

Prof: Ewww-ewww!

Biff and Mary arrive on the scene. Both grow ashen-faced at the sight of the doctor. Mary gives a little cry and turns, burying her face into Biff's chest.

Joe: (sadly) Now Joe really need drink.

He exits.

Meanwhile, Peabody has just completed an examination of the cadaver.

Prof: Hmmm. Appears dead, poor chappie.

Unnoticed by the assembly, a huge cactus near the body (and behind the Professor) begins slowly to move.

Kincaid, in a cold sweat, employs a loudly pattered bandana to mop his brow. He slides up to the newly arrived couple.

Biff: (still comforting Mary) I'm... sorry about the doctor, sir.

Kincaid: Thank you, son. He... was a good man, and a good friend. Say, where you two been? Mary, what'd I tell you about dragging these boys out in the sagebrush?

Mary: Dear Papa. (to Biff) It's just like him, forcing himself to joke at a time like this, just to cheer me up.

Unseen by Biff, she stomps her father's foot as a reward for his indiscretion. As he winces in pain, she tactfully steers Biff away. Still in pain, Kincaid inverts a nearby discarded and rusty bucket, and prepares to sit on it. While his back (and backside) is turned, a small barrel cactus pushes the bucket aside and assumes its place. The sheriff sits, then springs upright in fresh pain. As Peabody turns to the source of the excitement, the great cactus, still unseen, lunges toward him. Biff executes his own turn just in time to see the impending doom of his mentor.

Biff: Look out, Professor!

Biff pulls Peabody out of the way, then snatches a rusting and abandoned pitchfork. He engages the unearthly being in a life-or-death battle. After a few tense minutes, Biff topples the cactus. He impales the plant-thing, being sprayed with green liquid in the process.

Kincaid turns from the unpleasant sight. then looks up sharply as something wholly other attracts his undivided attention.

Kincaid: Great Pecos! Lookit that!

In the distance, a massive horde of bristling plant life storms in the direction of the town. On a rise above the marching army, the Homo-cannabis stands erect, a staff bearing the green banner of Andromeda in his thorny claw, urging his warriors onward to victory!

Kincaid: They'll tear us 'n' Poco Dinero into a hundurd pieces!

Biff: (his eyes popping wide) Keep down! Tumbleweeds!

From above, animated tumbleweeds hurl their spiny forms at their prey. Biff battles off the prickly devils with his trusty pitchfork.

Biff: Spiny devils! Prickly fiends!

When the last rotund menace has been downed, Peabody approaches his protege.

Prof: (urgently, tensely) My boy, what is today's date?

Biff: Why, the 29th.

The Professor is already rifling the pages of a vest-pocket edition bearing the legend "ALMANAC". Triumph lights the old man's eyes as he finds the proper passage.

Prof: I thought so! We may yet prevail. On this day there is to be a solar eclipse. When the sun is blotted out, its rays denied to our little planet--then we'll have our chance.

Even as the man of science speaks, a large black sphere can be seen in the heavens. As this phantom blot, the moon, approaches its celestial counterpart, everyone's vision, including that of the Homo-cannabis, is drawn to a solitary figure walking carelessly amongst the raging cacti. It is Crapulous Joe, and he carries his trusty jug, full to the brim.

Joe: (addressing the vegetable-man) Hey, Green Giant--what new beside ho-ho-ho!

He laughs drunkenly.

Just as the tipsy Indian reaches what he, in his pitiful state, again takes to be his god, the moon blots out the sun. The charging flora gradually slows to parade rest. Joe proffers his jug to the thoroughly confused creature.

Joe: Here. Zippy Totec have nice drink with Joe.

Kincaid: That fool Injun! He'll be massacred!


Next... conclusion.
 
Ain't it grand how those solar eclipses come at just the right time?

Knowing Joe's luck, as he hands the Homo-cannibas the jug, someone from the press will take a flash pic and sit it back into temporary life...

Can't wait to see the climax!
 
Very amusing littlebighead! I can't wait for the next piece!
 
The Hawk said:
Ain't it grand how those solar eclipses come at just the right time?
Click to expand...
Old dependable! H. Rider Haggard sure couldn't have done without 'em! 'Course, I understand God hates aliens, so it's no surprise He's so accommodating. Take that, ya consarned atheist vegetable foreigner!

Joe's luck is gonna run both hot and cold next week. Let's hope everyone else has their fingers crossed!
 
Journia said:
Very amusing littlebighead! I can't wait for the next piece!
Click to expand...
Sorry, J! Didn't mean to snub you... I only just now saw that you wrote. Thanks for your support! Please enjoy the story's harrowing conclusion:

Part 9​


Biff charges forth into the arena of danger. He reaches the red man just in time to pull him out of the path of an angry claw.

Joe: Let go Joe, honky white devil!

The two men tumble onto the ground and the jug falls to the desert floor, its contents soaking the sand. Joe quickly snatches up the container of precious elixir. The young student sniffs the air. He sniffs again, and his eyes bulge with recognition. He takes the jug from Joe. After an overpowering initial sniff, he employs his olfactory senses to make a thorough examination of the vapor.

Joe: (annoyed) Hey--!

He reached for his jug. Without even looking at the Indian, Biff puts his hand over Joe's face and pushes him to the ground.

Biff: (incredibly taking another whiff) Why, it's a miracle!

Biff pitches the jug at the feet of the approaching twenty-foot antagonist. A goodly portion of the fluid floods the desert floor. Struggling vainly, the creature becomes haplessly mired in the sizable puddle. Biff hauls Joe across his shoulder, comically almost toppling under the weight.

Biff: Now I know what they mean by the white man's burden.

Re-shouldering the Indian, Biff runs toward his compatriots. Upon his arrival, he deposits Joe and is joined by Mary, who anxiously clutches the young man to her bosom.

Biff: Sheriff, shoot that jug! It's our only chance!

Kincaid: What?

Prof: (catching on) Quickly, Marshal. You must do as the lad says.

Kincaid: You both sound plumb loco to me. But if that's what you want...

A gleaming sliver of the returning sun appears.

Biff: (looking skyward) Oh, hurry, Sheriff! Hurry!

The lawman unholsters his revolver. The Homo-cannabis frees one foot. Also, his army begins to twitch their thorny arms. Tense seconds slip by while Kincaid takes careful aim.

Biff: For God's sake, Sheriff...

Kincaid: (squinting down the barrel of his firearm) Son, you're talkin' to the man who's been the undefeated champeen of the Poco Dinero Turkey Shoot for five years runnin'. So jest... hold your... horses...

He squeezes the trigger.

The earthen container erupts. There is an immediate explosion, small in size but powerful in magnitude. The Homo-cannabis gives one long howl as it is swallowed by the blast. When the smoke has cleared, the monster is no more.

The sun reappears in its full splendor.

The humans, knocked to the ground by the mighty explosion, raise their heads just in time to observe the terminal twitchings of the cactus army. As Kincaid picks himself up, a storm of twisted twigs begin to rain from the heavens. There is a CU of the lawman as he plucks one up, examines it, and recognizes it for what it is.

Kincaid: Jumpin' jackrabbits! A marijuanie cheroot! As if I didn't have enough trouble with the kids around here!

Prof: (straightening his spectacles) Don't fret, old man. Those cigarettes, the remains of our troublesome friend from space, are from a male plant. My students assure me such cigarettes are quite harmless.

Peabody dusts himself off and regards the smoking crater imprinted in the earth by the recent blast.

Prof: A most potent elixir, I must say.

Biff: (trying to disengage himself from the heap into which he and Mary have fallen) You should have gotten a whiff of that stuff, Professor. We could send men to the moon on a formula like that!

Prof: Ah, yes. The moon... the moon and beyond! What strange mysteries will await us there in the untold depths of outer space?

Joe: (off-screen voice) Joe need drink.

The Professor arches an eyebrow in Joe's direction. The two youngsters have only now managed to extricate themselves form their entanglement. Mary regains her feet, her hair down and her glasses gone. Biff, who has assisted her in her rise to a perpendicular position, now turns the girl to face him.

Biff: Why, Mary!

Mary: Yes, Biff?

Biff: Eh, that is... what I wanted to say... what I mean is...

Mary: Yes, Biff?

Biff: Without your glasses, you...

Mary closes her eyes and snuggles closely against Biff's manly chest.

Mary: Oh, Biff.

Biff: (encouraged to forge on) Without your glasses, you bear a striking resemblance to your father.

Mary abruptly ceases her snuggling, and her eyes pop open wide.

Professor Peabody, his hands firmly fixed on his lapels, conducts the obligatory wrap-up speech to a bored audience of two, namely Joe and the sheriff. As he does so, Biff crawls into the background of the frame from screen right; all the while he is in the process of being beaten senseless by Mary. As oblivious to this background drama as is his audience, the Professor unreservedly waxes eloquent.

Peabody: What new trial awaits mankind? Invading beasts from other worlds, or some nameless terror encountered on the very stars themselves? Or perhaps fearsome menaces of his own sad creation? No matter. Whatever shall face him, man will move forward, ever forward, into the great unknown--into the pages of history!

Mary Kincaid has reduced Biff Carter to a complete and utter shambles.

The camera pans up to show the open sky. It continues to pan until the screen is filled with the rosy pinkness of a beautiful dawn.


THE END​


Next... the initial draft for "Holy Shit!"
 
Does indeed! (man, you're just starting on these!) No plagiarism, though... I wrote most of this stuff in the '70s!
 
Excellent final scene there, LBH. I resist the Irish in me to lament the waste of such good whiskey, but sacrifices must be made in order to save the earth!

Poor Biff. Some guys just don't know how to properly speak to a lady...
 
Woooo, blew up Mary Jane! I enjoyed this quite a bit.
 
Much appreciated, my good Hawk! I too regret the loss of all that happy-juice, but it at least it didn't go wholly to waste! And I'm sure Joe will have a new batch ready soon (the very minute he can score another tin of sterno)!

Biff, hopefully, has gained some notion of caution from this experience. Extraterrestrial plant monsters may provide a measure of menace, true... but the ire of a scorned human female is legendary!
 
Journia said:
Woooo, blew up Mary Jane! I enjoyed this quite a bit.
Click to expand...
Thanks J! This being a sci-fi scenario, something had to explode at the end (maybe we'll get lucky next time and they'll blast a female!) Most glad you enjoyed... expect the abreviated version next week.
 
Holy Shit! (first draft).

Same thing as above, though much more rudimentary. GM worked from this original to achieve the finished script. You may note minor changes (the reception at the train station, for instance, plays somewhat differently). Almost all details had been decided by mutual agreement first, via long discussion sessions... not long enough, apparently, as I managed to screw up the prospector's name.

Offered in one long gulp, there no longer being any uncertainties to serve as cliffhangers. This is presented for academic interest primarily:


Holy Shit!

a screenplay by Foster Glenn Oakes

original story by GM and Foster Glenn Oakes​


Cast of Characters
(in order of appearance)

Old Grubby
Sheriff Jack Kincaid
Doc Gruber
Crapulous Joe
Mary Kincaid
Dr. Peabody
Biff Carter

The scene opens at an alien saucer base somewhere in the Andromeda Galaxy. A flying saucer lifts off and shoots through an open portal into the dark void of space. After passing innumerable stars and planets, the sleek space craft approaches its destination: the planet Earth.

EXTERIOR. OLD GRUBBY, a grizzled prospector, makes his way over the sands of the Arizona desert. Just as he reaches a rise, a metallic whirring sound is heard. Grubby looks up to see the alien vessel settle to the ground. he approaches the curious contraption with feeble-minded interest. As he nears the great ship, a huge shadow falls upon him. He looks up and screams in terror.

Grubby: Holy shit!!!!

-CREDITS-

INTERIOR. The sheriff's office. SHERIFF JACK KINCAID sits at his desk, drinking an orange soda. Beside him is a plate of donuts. He turns to view Old Grubby, who sits listlessly on a table, staring blankly into space. Examining him is DOC GRUBER, the local medical man.

Gruber: Sheriff Kincaid, I can't find a normal reflex or reaction in his body. It's like some horrible mental disease wiped out all of his body functions.

Kincaid: Poor old geezer. I found him stumbling around in the desert with that same look on his face, like he'd seen something too horrible to tell. What do you s'pose he's ailin' from?

Gruber: It looks like acute shock.

Kincaid: Well, I don't see nothin' cute about it, Doc. If there's one thing the town of Poco Dinero don't need, it's this kind of trouble. Hey, why don't you have a donut. Mary baked 'em fresh this mornin'.

Kincaid takes the plate of donuts to the table.

Gruber: Thanks, Sheriff. I'll take one in a minute. Sweet girl, that Mary of yours.

Kincaid: Yup. Make somebody a fine wife someday. (returning his attention to the current problem) Ya know, Doc, if you can't savvy this thing out, there's a fella on the coast I read about who might be able to. Name of Prof. Peabody.

Gruber: I've heard of him. He's got degrees in medicine, biology, and the physical sciences. I'll write to him about this. Say, I'll take that donut now.

Grubby sits beside the empty plate with a simple-minded smile on his face, which disappears as Kincaid turns. The Sheriff stares at the recent void and at his pop bottle, which also sits empty.

EXTERIOR. CRAPULOUS JOE, a perpetually drunken Indian, sits on a sand dune, working on his jug, which is adorned with four "X"s. Abruptly, a metallic whining catches his auditory attention. Drawn to the spot of its emission, he comes upon the landed saucer, and with a reverent grunt of surprise, prostrates himself before it as before a god.

Transition to the Poco Dinero railroad station. Kincaid and Gruber, along with MARY KINCAID, the sheriff's daughter, stand on the platform. The girl looks very plain and wears glasses.

Kincaid: Now be civil to these men when they get here, Mary. They come all the way from a university in California.

Mary: Yes, Papa.

Gruber: Maybe I should have told them in the letter that no trains have been through here since--wait! There they are!

Down the tracks a considerable distance, a hand-car is seen making slow time toward the station. As it draws nearer, the figures of PROF. PEABODY and BIFF CARTER become discernible. Biff pumps the handle, while Peabody stands in front like a captain at the prow of his ship. As the hand-car reaches the station, Biff slows it to a stop, and Peabody (unmindful of his own momentum) is carried over the side, landing on the tracks. Biff immediately rushes to his assistance. When the Professor has been somewhat restored, they turn to their reception committee.

Peabody: (looking at Gruber) I say, are you Dr. Gruber? The gentleman who sent me the curious note about an apparently semi-comatose patient?

Gruber: Yep. (Peabody smiles reassuredly. Biff's eyes fall upon Mary.) This is Sheriff Jack Kincaid.

Peabody: (Shaking his hand) Part of the local constabulary, no doubt. (spying Mary) And this must be Mrs. Kincaid.

Kincaid: (hot, but contained) This here is my daughter, Mary.

Biff: (taking the initiative) Hi. I'm Biff Carter!

Peabody: My finest pupil. I'm helpless without him, actually. Well, Doctor, could you direct me to your patient?

With Gruber leading, the small assemblage makes its way through town toward Doc's office. INTERIOR. In a shadowy room in the clinic, Peabody finishes his examination of Old Grubby. The rest stand by, awaiting his opinion. Kincaid goes to the surgical freezer and pulls out a bottle of orange pop.

Kincaid: Either of you city boys care for a shot of "the stern stuff"? Ha ha!

Grubby immediately joins in Kincaid's laughter, chuckling wildly while still retaining his blank stare. Soon he dies down.

Gruber: Professor, can you help Old Grubby?

Peabody: This "Old Grubby", as you called him, is in a state of extreme withdrawal. Only by appealing to the subconscious through hypnosis can we hope to get at the truth.

Biff takes out his gold watch and hands it to Peabody. The learned old gentleman dangles it in front of the prospector's face and gently begins to sway it back and forth.

Peabody: (softly) Grubby... Grubby... do I have your attention, old man? I want to take you back... back... I want to know what happened to you... (Grubby grunts)... something did happen to you, didn't it... (Grubby grunts again)... come now, you're among friends. Tell us all about it.

Grubby: (shuddering) Uuggh... uuugghhh... Holy shit!!!

Peabody: Colorful old chap!

Kincaid: Leave the room, Mary.

Peabody: There is no need, Marshal. I'm afraid he won't say anything more. His mind is locked onto this one concept. Unfortunately, without further information, there is nothing I can do.

While the group sits in dejected silence, the telephone rings. Kincaid answers.

Kincaid: Doc Gruber's office. Sheriff Kincaid talkin'. What's that? Joe at it again, huh? Okay, I'll be right down. (he hangs up) Crapulous Joe's been raidin' trash cans again. I better go round him up.

Biff: Crapulous?

Peabody: A synonym for "inebriated", Biff.

Biff: Huh?

Gruber: Drunk.

Biff: Oh.

Everyone exits. EXTERIOR. A back alley, lined with garbage cans. Joe sits on an empty, waiting impatiently. Upon hearing the arrival of Kincaid's squad car, he hops to his feet and takes up a garbage can lid, as he might a cafeteria tray, selecting various items from different receptacles. The sheriff and the rest walk in upon him and he smiles coyly.

Kincaid: Well, well. If it ain't some poor hungry Injun. Poor old redskin. (with an air of affability) Come on, Joe. Let's go get you a hamburger.

Joe: Me thank, Sheriff. After, me take you to meet the god, Zippy Totec.

Biff: Doesn't he mean Xipetotec, the Aztecan god of the dead?

Peabody: So it would seem, my boy. Perhaps we've latched onto something here. (to Joe) I say, noble savage, where was it that you encountered this awesome divinity?

Joe stands dumbly, his mouth agape.

Kincaid: He means where'd ya see old Zippy Totec, Joe?

Joe: Oh. Him on sand valley over great rise.

Peabody: Do you think you could show us the way?

Dissolve. When the scene reappears, it is on the open desert. Joe leads the small group, as Biff and Kincaid support Old Grubby, who has been straight-jacketed.

Kincaid: I hope you're right about this, Prof. I'd feel like an awful idjit dragging Old Grubby around all over the desert if you ain't.

Joe: Not far now. Right over this hill.

The gathered pass over the small rise to view the gleaming space craft.

Peabody: Amazing! Undoubtedly a welcome delegation from a neighboring planet!

At that, there is a deafening roar, and a monstrous green, plant-like creature stands before them.

Peabody: Holy shit!!!

Old Grubby nods in agreement.

Joe: (with a nonchalant air) Ho! Zippy Totec, my old friend! You want'um drink?

Suddenly, Old Grubby breaks away from the group of rushes madly toward the great plant. It takes him up and devours him limb by limb.

Biff: Professor, this creature is hostile! We must get to a better vantage point.

They adjourn to the top of the rise, out of the monster's reach. The horrid mass of chlorophyll takes up a strange looking devise and waves it over a cactus plant. Slowly, the cactus moves its limbs, seemingly come to life. The mighty vegetable repeats the process, and barrel cacti begin to move.

Peabody: (to Biff) My boy, do you see what this indicates?

Biff: I think so, sir. Sheriff, we'd better get back to town.

The assembled turn to go. Dissolve. INTERIOR. Sheriff Kincaid's office. Kincaid, Mary, Gruber, and Joe sit in air of expectancy.

Kincaid: How long'll they be in there? It's been an hour now.

Joe: And me no get no hamburger.

Mary: Do you notice how Biff's eyes twinkles when he talks?

At this point, Biff and Professor Peabody come out from a room with several charts. The Professor tacks them up on the bulletin board.

Peabody: Biff and I have compiled some data from the observations made in the desert. (He exposes a diagram drawing of the monster.) That nasty-tempered brute that we encountered is an alien, but is not an animal. It is a highly advanced evolutionary outgrowth of the plant family. This creature, from all indications, should probably be titled Homo Cannabis...

Kincaid: Hold it, Prof. Do you mean that thing trompin' around out there is a giant marijuana plant?

Peabody: From all indications. And furthermore, the beastie has no vital organs. Hence, when you fired your revolver into its body, there was no effect.

Kincaid: I didn't fire my gun, Prof.

Peabody: Oh. Well, if you had, there would have been no effect.

Biff: (revealing second chart: two galaxies, with a dotted line between them) We believe the creature comes from the Andromeda Galaxy. Its behavior indicates that its mission is to crush out the existing dominant species on this planet, to make way for another: namely, its own.

Gruber: How does it plan to do that?

Biff: By enlisting the aid of its natural ally here, the desert flora. By granting Earth plants temporary animation, it can raise a vast army in practically no time.

Peabody: Fortunately, we have the proper knowledge to combat the invader. True to its plant ancestry, it absorbs its power during the day, from sunlight. This makes our adversary nearly invincible during the waking hours, but infinitely weaker at night.

Gruber: It'll be dark in another hour. We'll have to strike then.

An hour later, the group is armed with guns and flashlights.

Mary: I'll go with you, Biff.

Biff: No. Stay here, where it's safe.

Kincaid: Do as you're told, gal.

Mary: Yes, Papa.

Peabody: Well, let's make a go of it, shall we? First to sight the beastie fire a warning shot.

The men set forth into the night. EXTERIOR. A montage reveals the ineffective night search. As dawn breaks, they assemble near the entrance to the town. Mary comes out to join them.

Kincaid: Not a sight of the blasted critter. Say, where's Doc?

Suddenly, a horrid scream rings out. They travel in the direction of the sound, and come across the body of Doc Gruber, hideously pin-cushioned with cactus needles. To one side, a large cactus begins slowly to move.

Peabody: Hmmm. Appears dead, poor chappie.

Kincaid places down a bucket to sit on. While his back is turned, a small barrel cactus pushes the bucket aside and assumes its place. The sheriff sits, then springs upright in pain. As Peabody turns to the source of the excitement, the slowly moving cactus lunges toward him. Biff turns just in time to see this.

Biff: Look out, Professor!

Biff pulls Peabody out of the way, then picks up a pitchfork and fights the being. In a few minutes, he topples it.

Kincaid: Great Pecos! Lookit that!

In the distance, a massive horde of bristling plant life storms in the direction of the town. On a rise, the Homo Cannabis urges them on to the attack.

Kincaid: They'll tear us 'n' Poco Dinero inta a hundurd pieces!

Biff: Keep down! Tumbleweeds!

From above, animated tumbleweeds hurl themselves at their prey. Biff battles them off with the pitchfork. When the last one of them has been downed, Peabody approaches his protege.

Peabody: My boy, what is today's date?

Biff: The 29th.

Peabody: Ah, I thought so! We may yet prevail. On this day, there is to be a solar eclipse. When the sun is blotted out, we'll have our chance!

Even as he speaks, a large black dot can be seen in the sky. As the moon approaches its celestial counter-part, everyone's vision, including that of the Homo Cannabis, is drawn to a solitary figure walking carelessly amongst the raging cacti. It is Crapulous Joe and he carries his trusty jug, full to the brim.

Joe: Hey! Zippy Totec, my old friend!

Just as the tipsy Indian reaches what he takes for his god, the sun is blotted out by the moon. The charging flora comes to a gradual halt. Joe proffers his jug to the confused plant-beast.

Joe: Here! You have nice drink with Joe.

Biff: That fool! He'll be killed!

The young student runs out after Joe. He reaches the red man just in time to pull him out of the way of an angry claw. The two men tumble onto the ground and the jug makes its way into Biff's hands. After an overpowering initial sniff, his olfactory senses make a thorough examination of the vapor.

Biff: Why, it's unbelievable!

Placing the jug at the feet of his twenty-foot antagonist, Biff hauls Joe across his shoulder and runs toward his fellows.

Biff: Sheriff, shoot that jug! It's our only chance!

Kincaid: You sound plumb loco. But if that's what you want...

The lawman takes out his revolver and, after several minutes of careful aim, fires. The earthen container bursts, and there is a sudden explosion, small in size but powerful in magnitude. The Homo Cannabis is taken up in the blast and when the smoke clears, it is no more. The humans stare about them in wonder.

Peabody: A most potent elixir, I must say!

Biff: You should have gotten a whiff of that stuff, Professor! We could send men to the moon on a formula like that!

Peabody: Ah, yes. The moon... and beyond! What strange mysteries will await us there in the untold depths of outer space?

Mary, who fell during the explosion, rises now, her hair down and her glasses gone. Biff sees her and walks toward her nervously.

Biff: Why Mary!

Mary: Yes, Biff?

Biff: Without your glasses, you...

Mary: Yes, Biff?

Biff: What I mean to say, is...

Mary: Oh, Biff!

Biff: What I mean to say is that without your glasses, you bear a striking resemblance to your father.

Prof. Peabody conducts his speech to a bored audience of Joe and Kincaid and, in the background, Mary has just beaten Biff senseless.

Peabody: What new trial will await man? Beasts form other worlds, or terrors on the stars? Or perhaps menaces of his own creation! But man will move forward, ever forward into the great unknown... into the pages of history!

-END-​


Next... "The Children of Typhon".
 
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The Children of Typhon.

Past examples in this collection will make it pretty clear that I wasn't terribly adept at constructing strong or complex female characters (a fault I hope I've managed to correct in my current fiction). Mostly, they came across as baggage to be bundled around by the menfolk... an archetypical attitude in '50s adventure/sci-fi cinema, which is where I drew my earliest sense of story construction. This screenplay (a rather old one... I wrote it directly after "Mala Khan") is one of my few attempts at deliberately creating a formidable leading lady part, though little of her fortitude will be evident until the second half of the story. As it happens, this plot follows the paradigm of early American melodrama pretty closely: heroines were invariably the central characters in such theatre, charged with rescuing their fathers or lovers from the threat of jail, foreclosure, what-have-you. I wasn't to learn that fact until much later during college studies... too bad, as I might have tried to replicate it more often.

The style of the original script has been cleaned-up considerably for readability purposes.


The Children of Typhon

a screenplay by
Foster Glenn Oakes​

Characters:

Lenore Typhon
Sir Bernard Typhon
Henry Cummings
Dr. Leopold van Helsing
Dr. Raymond Danforth
John Bennett

time: spring, 1895

place: the Typhon estate, rural England.

Scene opens with INTERIOR shot of the music room at Typhon Manor. Seated at the piano is pretty LENORE TYPHON, daughter of Sir Bernard. Pacing beside her is HENRY CUMMINGS, her would-be suitor.

Henry: Lenore, if you don't promise to marry me, I'll throw myself from the Tower Bridge!

Lenore: Please, Mr. Cummings, do stop fidgeting while I'm in the midst of Mozart.

Henry: Oh Lenore! I've come to call on you for this full past year. You might, at least, address me by my first name... Henry, you know.

Lenore: And my last name is Typhon, Mr. Cummings... daughter of the great Sir Bernard Typhon. As such, I'm in no rush to redefine myself through an alliance with any other man.

The sound of a door knocker interrupts the concert. Lenore abruptly shoves Henry toward the French doors.

Lenore: Father's guests have arrived. Quickly, back to London! You mustn't be underfoot... you know how your forlorn mooning vexes him!

Henry: Lenore, please--

Henry is finally forced to exit. Cut to the main hallway, where a servant has admitted DR. LEOPOLD VAN HELSING and DR. RAYMOND DANFORTH. Lenore enters.

Lenore: Dr. Danforth, Dr. van Helsing, greetings. I am Lenore Typhon.

Danforth: Hmmph! I was promised an interview with Sir Bernard, not his daughter!

Lenore: Of course, Dr. Danforth. Father will be down immediately. But a recent illness has left him rather frail. I'll thank you not to fatigue or unduly trouble him. I must insist that you defer to my authority in this.

Typhon: (from above) Leopold, old colleague! Kind of you to come such a long way! Dr. Danforth, thanks to you also.

Sir Bernard Typhon descends the stairway to greet his visitors. He walks haltingly, supported by a cane.

Van Helsing: Greetings, Sir Bernard! I pray that our arrival is not inopportune.

Typhon: Nonsense! Nonsense! I've awaited this moment for weeks! Please, accompany me to the library! I'll labor to clear up all points that still remain mysterious!

All enter the library. Typhon ventures to a reading table, upon which rests a weathered box. Within is a tattered scroll. Typhon unfurls it and begins to translate.

Typhon: "...and so it was that immortal Osiris vanquished the wretched Typhon in Etna's depths. And thus was Typhon's evil extinguished... but not so that of his children: Cerberus; the Chimera; the Hydra, of many heads; the Sphinx..."

Danforth: Sir Bernard... I am not unacquainted with mythology. Or do you account this some twisted family history? If your lesson serves a more germane purpose, I pray you come to the point!

Typhon: Dr. Danforth, your reputation for abruptness is as well founded as your professional credentials, I see. Sir... I propose to lead you into a reality more fabulous than any myth! If you've no use for preparatory introduction, then by all means let us proceed! May the resulting shock fall squarely upon your head!

Typhon rises slyly, motioning for the rest to follow. He leads them into the cellar, and thence to a firmly locked iron door which he undoes with a heavy key. Beyond is a spiraling flight of rudely carved steps leading down into inky darkness. Typhon lights up a lantern and beckons for them to proceed.

Dissolve. Much time has passed. The party exits the stairs into a chiseled grotto. Typhon proceeds to ignite a line of wall-bound torches.

Danforth: Confound it! We seem to have descended miles! Where in fortune's name have you led us? Into the very earth's center?

Typhon: Of course, dear colleague! Where else would one find Tartarus? Where other than the infernal realm might man expect to see... this!

Typhon lofts the lantern. The rest gasp in disbelief. Before them, fixed fast in a sheet of subterranean ice, are the aforementioned monsters of antiquity.

Typhon: There they all are, gentlemen... perfectly preserved! See vaunted Cerberus, guardian of hell's gate! See the Hydra, just as Heracles left it... all heads severed except the immortal one...

Van Helsing: It... it staggers the mind! These ancient monstrosities of legend... now proved to be fact! However did you come by this discovery?

Typhon: My estate resides on the remnant of an age-old Celtic copper mine. In antique times, the area was considered taboo, cursed... for reasons all too evident now! I've spent the better part of my life and health improving this downward passage. The effort ruined me physically before I could complete the final stage... the unearthing of these wondrous artifacts for full scientific examination! That's why I've invited you, gentlemen: to take over my labors... and share in my glory!

Danforth: Hmmmm. Yes... quite well done! I've scarcely seen better counterfeits, even in the cabinet collections of royalty. So... what moneys are you asking? Twenty pounds apiece? Come, let's not dicker... I'm willing to make it fifty...

Typhon: C... c... counterfeits?! You can't possibly mean to suggest that I've contrived these myself!

Danforth: Not with your own hands, no. However, artisans from the eastern colonies are skilled at such forgery. I don't doubt their labor and silence cost you a pretty penny. I'm willing, then, to be generous... let's say a hundred pounds, shall we?

Van Helsing: Really, Danforth! Such cheek!

Typhon: How... how dare you impugn my honor! I invited you here in full honesty... to link your name to an accomplishment unequaled in our profession! Now... you seek to blacken my reputation! To brand me a lier and a cheat! Why, I'll... I'll...

Typhon suddenly clutches at his chest and collapses.

Lenore: Father!

Van Helsing: A seizure! He's taken a very bad turn! The effort of the climb... this clammy dampness... why did you find it necessary to excite him so, Danforth!

Danforth: Zounds! Am I at fault if the man unwisely chose to haggle over the price!


Next... conclusion.
 
Part 2​


Dissolve to Sir Bernard's bed chamber. Dr. Van Helsing tends the ailing man.

Lenore: Poor father. His health is worse than he ever let on.

Van Helsing: He will recover... but we mustn't subject him to any further stress.

Danforth: A dashed nuisance! I suppose I'll be forced to deal with you now, Miss Typhon.

Lenore: What on earth is that meant to mean, sir?

Danforth: You told us, did you not, that in matters of your father's health we must defer to your authority? Well, if he's grown too feeble to conduct proper business, it becomes your duty to consider my offer. A hundred pounds apiece for those frozen curiosities! You'll want the funds now more so than ever... what with Sir Bernard's earning potential so desperately compromised.

Lenore: Dr. Danforth... I cannot guess at the qualities which brought you to my father's attention... but tact and ethical sense were clearly not amongst them. No decision concerning those creatures will be made in his absence. They've rested patiently for many thousand years... a few weeks more will scarcely matter. But if I may state it plainly, sir... I can't imagine he'll ever submit to any further dealings with you, sir! You've acted a cad and a brute, and I'll thank you to quit this house before you work him further ill.

Dr. Danforth, all cold fury, turns to go.

Danforth: Miss Typhon... you have not heard the last of me! The things I want from this life I mean to have... one way or other. The time will come when you'll regret your headstrong attitude!

Danforth exits.

Van Helsing: Shocking! That a member of our august calling should squabble like a vendor in the street!

Lenore: Dr. Van Helsing... I know it to be outside your discipline... but would you consent to look after father throughout his convalescence? I'd need a full day to fetch a physician and don't wish to leave papa even that long... not after Dr. Danforth's threatening tone. A terrible imposition, I know...

Van Helsing: Please, my dear Miss Typhon! No other thought had ever crossed my mind! As it happens, I did avail myself of medical training before turning my attention to more abstract science. Trust me... your father will be in good hands. And I did wish the opportunity to consult Sir Bernard's unparalleled collection of arcane volumes... a need that presses more firmly now than before I arrived...

Dissolve to EXTERIOR view of London's Whitechapel District. Dr. Danforth mingles with the unsavories, making his way toward ne'er-do-well JOHN BENNETT, a rangy tough who lounges against a lamp post.

Bennett: Greetings, gov. Hain't seen your friendly face fer some time... not since that last little bit'a work I done for ya.

Danforth: Not averse to another task of similar stripe, I gather. At the same generous rate, of course.

Bennett: Oh, ever pleased ta serve, m'lord! If the coin's sound, John Bennett's yer man! Now, spring fer a tipple and we'll talk. Ol' John's grown mighty dry.

Dissolve. Evening has come upon a quiet stretch of city street. Henry Cummings exits his place of employment, intent on heading home. As he passes an alley, John Bennett steps from the shadows, sap in hand. He furtively stalks Henry into the darkness.

Cut to INTERIOR of Typhon Manor. A rap at the door brings Lenore running. She finds no visitor, but rather a note, which she reads. Her face grows ashen. Dr. Van Helsing descends the stairs.

Van Helsing: Is anything amiss, my dear? You look positively stricken!

Lenore: ... the fiend. I... I didn't believe he'd strike so soon... or so foul.

Van Helsing: Dr. Danforth?!

Lenore: None other. He drives me to the most desperate extremes! Whatever qualms I might have held... this act extinguishes them.

Van Helsing: You mean... in regard to the things I've recently told you?

Lenore: Yes. Things he ought to have discovered for himself, had he any real grasp of his profession. But I cannot concern myself with conscience now... workmen must be engaged at once. He leaves me little time...

Dissolve to a lonely EXTERIOR stretch of road midway between Typhon Manor and London. Dr. Danforth waits, a rifle in his lap, a bound, battered Henry Cummings held fast by smirking Bennett. Van Helsing approaches at the reins a heavy wagon. In its bed, bulky objects are obscured by a canvas tarpaulin. Lenore follows in a small trap.

Danforth: Well, well, well! That was done most sprightly, Miss Typhon! You see? Any obstacle can be overcome when one's been given the proper... incentive!

Lenore: (ice cold) You have what you want. Complete your end of the bargain, please.

Bennett: No real need, gov. We hold all the aces... could hang 'em here an' be done with it. Y'know... no witnesses, no crime.

Van Helsing draws a revolver from beneath his mackintosh and hefts if menacingly.

Danforth: (jovially) How terribly crude of you, Mr. Bennett! I'm a gentleman, you know. A gentleman always keeps his word. I did tell you what I meant to have, didn't I Miss Typhon. And I certainly did keep my word!

Bennett undoes Henry's fetters and shoves him in the direction of Lenore. When he arrives, the girl gives him a savage hug.

Henry: Lenore... I... I don't understand what this is all about. But I can't help but feel you've made a deal with the devil... for my sake. I'm so desperately ashamed...

Lenore: Henry... be still. I know precisely what I've done. I ask that you respect my decision. Don't question my actions... or your own worth.

Danforth: Young romance... so terribly, terribly touching. All you'll gain from this little adventure, I'm afraid. If only you'd been reasonable early on... you might have earned a dower to compliment it. As things stand, I alone claim the fortune... and the fame!

Lenore: I leave them to you. All that you can hope to earn from... (indicating the wagon) that.

A brief foreboding crosses Danforth's features, a momentary hesitation which he swiftly sweeps aside. Bennett takes up the wagon's reins and the two scoundrels depart.

Wipe to the INTERIOR of Danforth's remote, makeshift laboratory. It's a ramshackle affair, stuffed with chemical and electrical apparatus, large open vats of acid, and an overhead system of hoists. Bennett uses this latter to work the weighty blocks from the wagon.

Danforth: Gently, Mr. Bennett! This ice you manhandle is worth its weight in gold!

Bennett: Ya don't reckon them beasties fer fakes, then!

Danforth: Oh no... I never did. Sir Bernard is hardly the type to countenance such fraud. These truly are remnants from the most fabulous, remote antiquity! (brandishing a mallet and chisel) We'll most assuredly meet legend face to face... once I've chipped these corpses from their chill caskets!

Cut to Typhon's bedroom. Sir Bernard has been propped up in bed, his face a mask of drawn resignation.

Typhon: ... my life's work... gone for good. Don't berate yourself, daughter... he left you no choice. I'm fully to blame, conducting such a scoundrel into our house...

Lenore: No, father; I do not blame you. Nor myself. Neither do I fault Dr. Danforth... not anymore. He may, in fact, have been instrumental in preserving your life.

Typhon: What... whatever could your meaning be? The man robbed me and threatened you all! He deserves no praise for that!

Van Helsing: His actions were not laudable... but they happened to be fortuitous. As you well know, my family has had much experience with the outre... the supernatural. A doubt occurred to me... one which I was able to confirm and reinforce through the liberal use of your peerless library...

Back to Dr. Danforth's lab. Ice chunks litter the floorboards; the doctor has retucked the tarpaulin around the freshly freed figures. Their outlines now display distinctly ominous contours.

Danforth: (sweating from exertion) ... there, Bennett... didn't I tell you so! No concocted specimen could withstand such close scrutiny! We need only let the liberated bodies thaw. Then... the dissecting may start! Think of it! Organs unknown to medical science! Pelts so unquestionably genuine, all doubts will be silenced! I'll have them mounted... restored to their full, fearsome glory! Then... the bidding may begin!

Bennett lounges in relative disinterest, swigging from a flask of cheap hooch. He gazes vaguely toward the shrouded figures, only to witness a disturbing rustle from the canvas. He stares uncertainly at his booze, as though assessing its quality, then takes another pull.

Back to Typhon Manor.

Van Helsing: ... an obscure monograph by a Swiss researcher, a Dr. Frankenstein, has provided compelling testimony: it is possible to reduce living substance to a frigid state without destroying it. The act does, furthermore, preserve cellular structure... freezes it into fixity for unknowable periods of time. If his experimentation with human tissue confirmed this point... what may we conjecture about the qualities of divine flesh!

Return to Danforth's lab: the place is in pandemonium. An overturned lantern has set the crumbling walls ablaze. Terrified Danforth and Bennett shrink back from unearthly shrieks and snarls, as menacing shadows draw ever closer. A flaming ceiling beam, loosened by the conflagration, plummets into one of the open acid vats.

EXTERIOR. Danforth's hovel is blasted to smithereens.

INTERIOR. Back at Typhon Manor.

Lenore: ... when Dr. Van Helsing acquainted me with these facts, I accounted it my duty to deliver you from this age-old vengeful curse. Dr. Danforth's intercession could not have served my purpose better. He did, in fact, force my hand.

Typhon: And in doing so, saved not only young Henry but myself! (He takes her hand.) My dear Lenore! Of all the children of Typhon, you are by far the most formidable!

Fade out.


Next: "Robot Men of the Lost Planet".
 
Robot Men of the Lost Planet.

In the late '70s, my good friend GM created "Commander Duck and the Quacketeers", a half-hour program for our local cable TV station. Though we'd firmly committed ourselves to broadcasting, the allure of Super-8 film was still strong and a series of feature movies based on the show was planned (GM wrote this one, I wrote the next, a further partner was to write the third, etc.). "Robot Men of the Lost Planet" was the first and only one to be made; a second was begun, but complications with the cast prevented completion. GM had acquired a Super-8 sound camera, and "Robot Men" was the only one of our productions to benefit from it. It turned out to be a mixed blessing; the built-in microphone was sensitive enough to pick up all the cameraman's movements, discouraging any attempts at fancy camera work. On the other hand, the new technology did insure a complete dialogue track... a novelty at the time, as past dubbing attempts had proved unworkable.

Anyone with further interest in TV show is invited to peruse "Spectacles of Doom", a graphic novel set in the Commander Duck universe. It was created in the mid-to-late '80s (the panels were originally meant to be televised) and submitted to the TTC back in 2006. Please use the following link to access the thread:

http://www.tickletheater.com/showthread.php?t=28821


Robot Men of the Lost Planet

A Screenplay
by GM

Cast

Commander Duck
Professor Trapezoid
The Cosmic Carrot
Caligula Jones
Fred-16
Troppo
Felicity Feline
Prison Guard
Prisoners
Annihilatrons​

Miniature: The prison asteroid Torgos-7, drifting in space. Cut to the asteroid's surface, to the prison proper. A cloaked and hooded guard circles the courtyard. He descends a flight of stone stairs and approaches a second guard.

1st Guard: Five o'clock cell check for the Hall of Eternal Imprisonment.

The second guard takes the first's key-ring and hands him a clipboard. The first guard enters a hallway. He stops and examines the clipboard.

1st Guard: (reading) "Dr. Perverticus".

Behind the clear plastic door of a prison cell, we see the imprisoned Dr. Perverticus.

1st Guard: Dr. Perverticus... check.

He walks out of frame, to the next cell.

1st Guard: "Sarbo Tokket".

Sarbo Tokket: Would you like to know a secret, friend? Let me out, and I'll tell you... friend.

1st Guard: Sarbo Tokket... check.

He continues to the next cell.

1st Guard: "Two-Gun Thurg".

Shot of Two-Gun Thurg.

1st Guard: Two-Gun Thurg... check.

And on to the next cell.

1st Guard: "Queen Pazuzu".

Shot of Queen Pazuzu, who attempts to use her luring wiles.

1st Guard: (wistfully) Queen Pazuzu... check.

And the next cell.

1st Guard: "Tabonga, the Martian Mangler".

Shot of the monstrous Tabonga.

1st Guard: Tabonga... check.

And so on.

1st Guard: "Mouse-Face McGurk".

Mouse-Face McGurk: (in whiny falsetto) Oh, woe is me! I'll never see Jupiter again. I'll never see Saturn again. And worst of all, I'll never see Pluto again!

1st Guard: Mouse-Face McGurk... check.

Finally, the guard arrives at the last cell.

1st Guard: "Caligula Jones"... the most deadly of them all.

He looks from the clipboard... to an empty cubicle. Taped to the plastic window, is a message: "So long, suckers!"

1st Guard: Oh no! Oh, merciful heavens! (losing his nerve) Red alert! Red alert! (runs off) Red alert! Red alert!

Long shot of the prison, as the siren wails.

Fade out.

Fade in. CU of an Atwater-Kent radio. The "Cantina Theme" merrily tinkles from the speaker. Truck back to reveal Cyclopean alien. He reads paper. Music is abruptly cut. At sound of announcer, alien lowers paper, listens. The camera trucks back to CU of radio.

Announcer: Flash! We interrupt this program to bring you an special news bulletin. Infamous war criminal "Caligula" Jones has escaped from his maximum security cubicle on prison asteroid Torgos-7. Jones is armed and should be considered extremely--repeat!--extremely dangerous...

Fade to black.

The black becomes Jones' back as he walks away from camera. He discards a blaster, strips off his shirt and hangs it on the horn of an obliging annihilatron, whose outstretched arms hold a change of garb for him. A head form holds Caligula's derby.

Jones: The sooner I get outta these stinkin' prison weeds the better I'll feel... eight years, eight stinkin' years... stinkin' cell, stinkin' guards, stinkin' slop to eat... Duck put me there. Oh yes, it was Duck all right... I'm gonna getcha, Duck; and when I do, you're gonna repay me for ev'ry stinkin' minute...

For emphasis, Jones rips the manacles from each wrist.

Fade out.

Fade in on a static rear projection: The space station X-Minus-Zero, occupying its orbit between the Earth and the Moon.

Narrator: This is the space station X-Minus-Zero. It occupies an orbit somewhere between the Earth and the Moon. Manned by a crew of extraterrestrials under the leadership of Commander Duck, celebrated Sky Marshal of the Galaxy, this gleaming citadel of the stratosphere maintains a constant vigil against those who would threaten the safety of our planet...

Fade out static rear projection.

Opening titles and credits.


Next: Part 2.
 
Caligula Jones? Very choice name, considering the atrocities of the Historical Caligula! This story is working well thus far, I want to see more; can't wait for the next part!
 
Glad you're enjoying, J! Yes, GM had a terrific facility for concocting character names. He came up with almost all of them for the show, including the parts I played. I essayed the role of Caligula Jones, by the way, along with Fred-16 (the giant robot); I'm a fairly large guy, a full head taller than GM and most of the rest of the cast, so hulking assignments were usually my responsibility.

Four more installments coming! Hope they all please!
 
Part 2​


Fade in same static rear projection.

Narrator: Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you the crew of the X-Minus-Zero...

Fade out static rear projection. Each of the following descriptions is accompanied by an appropriate visual of the character in question.

Narrator: Commander Duck... Raised on the planet Mandrake... Half Earthling, half Mandrakkaan... A citizen of both worlds, yet wholly belonging to neither, he has sworn to protect the weak and the helpless of our galaxy... Fearless and unyielding, he is the master of the X-Minus-Zero...

... Professor Trapezoid... Brilliant man of science from the planet Earth... Three time recipient of the Nobel Prize... He is the Commander's closest advisor and confidant...

... Fred-16, the Robot... Created in a damp basement from equal parts of an erector set and an old Hoover vacuum cleaner, this mechanical marvel is the crowning achievement of Professor Trapezoid's distinguished career...

... Troppo the Magic Clown... Strange visitor from the planet Stupid... Stupid, with its five cube-like moons, is a world where magic is commonplace, the occult a perfectly normal occurrence... Troppo has befriended the Quacketeers and pledged his mighty powers to their cause...

... Felicity... A homo felinus from the planet Kaliko, Felicity is every inch her own woman... or cat, as the case may be... She proudly serves as chief communications officer for the X-Minus-Zero...

Special visual: The planet Earth, spinning in space.

Scene One: Professor Trapezoid's Study.

The Professor sits among his many tomes, deep in study. The reason for this intense concentration soon becomes apparent, as it develops at least one leather-bound volume possesses a fold-out.

A series of muffled sounds distracts the Professor. He shrugs off the first, is disturbed by the second. On the occasion of the third such noise, he rises to his feet and calls out.

Professor: Hello? Is someone there?

Only silence greets him.

Reluctantly, the Professor lets the matter drop and returns to his work. For the fourth time, the sound intrudes. The man of science springs to his feet.

Professor: Who's there? Speak up!

Again, there is only silence. The Professor's anger quickly becomes wariness. He crosses to a file cabinet, opens a drawer.

CU: The drawer contains a ray pistol. Trapezoid's fingers reach for the weapon.

A bizarre-looking automaton appears behind the Professor. It raises a gleaming white sword.

CU: The Professor's hand stiffens and falls from the frame. Fade to black.

Special Visual: The X-Minus-Zero.

Scene Two: The Bridge of the X-Minus-Zero.

Cut to: The bridge, control center for the mighty fortress of the stratosphere. The Commander is seated at the controls. He speaks into a microphone.

Commander: Felicity, give me the engine room... Engine room? This is the Commander. Have you located the source of the computer breakdown? Ah, excellent. Restore full power and unseal Section Five. Over and out.

Troppo approaches the Commander.

Troppo: Is the crisis over?

Commander: Yes, Troppo--fortunately for us all. I cannot understand what caused that computer to act up like that. It's never malfunctioned before.

Troppo: Exactly what happened?

Commander: Well, normally this particular computer regulates the atmosphere here aboard the space station. For some unknown reason, this computer strips its gears, burns out about eleven different gizmos, and starts sucking all the oxygen out of Section Five.

Troppo: Sufferin' catfish!

Commander: You said it. Luckily, Section Five was deserted at the time.

Troppo: Suppose it happens again--and the section in question isn't deserted?

Commander: I've already radioed Mandrake; a crew of technicians from Mandrakaan Computer Central are on their way.

An alarm reverberates throughout the space station.

Troppo: Great Galaxies! What's that?

Commander: It's the emergency signal device I had installed in Professor Trapezoid's home. He swore never to use it save in times of gravest peril. I must go to him. Troppo, I place you in command of this vessel until I return.

Troppo: I am honored, Commander.

Commander: (into the microphone) Prepare a shuttle for immediate departure to Earth.

Troppo: Wait, Commander. In a situation like this, mere seconds may mean the difference between life and death.

Commander: I'm open to suggestions.

Troppo: Take a deep breath. (Taps Duck with wand) Presto Modesto!

The Commander vanishes.

Troppo: (into the microphone) Cancel that shuttle-craft.

Fade out.


Next: Part 3.
 
Part 3​


Special Visual. The planet Earth, spinning in space.

Scene Three: Professor Trapezoid's Study. Fade into:

The Commander, as he seems to ooze from one of the Professor's many bookcases. He immediately spots the Professor, who lies prone on the couch, mostly covered by a blanket. His eyes are shut. Rushing to his side, the Commander kneels beside the supine scientist.

Commander: Professor! I received your signal. Are you all right?

Professor: Eh? Oh, it's you, my boy. I didn't hear you come in.

Fred-16 enters, carrying the remains of the hostile robot in a bag. The cranium and some limbs jut over the rim.

Commander: An annihilatron!

Professor: Yep. It would have just about finished me, if Fred-16 hadn't completed mowing the lawn ahead of schedule. (the Professor smiles with fatherly pride) Fred-16 made short work of him. I programmed him to have annihilatrons for breakfast.

The Commander examines the severed head.

Commander: The memory circuits are smashed. We won't be able to learn anything from this baby.

He shoves the grisly object back into the bag.

Professor: Just leave it on the curb, Freddy. The garbage truck will by in the morning.

Exit Fred-16.

Commander: Where'd the annihilatron get you, Professor?

Professor: Just a glancing blow on the arm.

Commander: This wound is blue! And the skin around it is like ice!

Professor: The blade of the annihilatron's weapon was so cold it burned. The very sensation made me lose consciousness.

Re-enter Fred-16.

Professor: Freddy--go to the freezer and fetch the annihilatron's sword.

Exit Fred-16.

Commander: I've seen wounds like this before. Eight years ago... During the last great Galactic War... Men died in horrible agony, consumed by fire and ice... It was a miracle our side prevailed.

Professor: Didn't your own half-brother spearhead the final assault of the enemy forces?

Commander: Yes... the infamous Rear Admiral Goose... our mother almost died of shame when Goose adopted the cause of the Dark Alliance...

Re-enter Fred-16 with the weapon, now swathed in Alcoa Wrap.

Commander: (taking the sword and peeling away the foil) As I suspected... Ice Nine.

Professor: Ice Nine?

Commander: The coldest substance in the known universe. The use of these weapons was outlawed after the war. Only a renegade would employ such a...

Both the Commander and the Professor light up with realization.

Commander and Professor: (in unison) Caligula Jones!

Professor: But wasn't he sentenced to eternal imprisonment for his atrocities after the last war?

Commander: He escaped three months ago. Up until now I had no lead, but now I think I can track him down.

Professor: You've lost me. What lead do you have now?

Commander: The only existing supply of Ice Nine is kept in the Temple of the Green Giant on the planet Botanica. The Cosmic Carrot and his monks make use of it in their religious ceremonies.

Professor: Oh, yes. Now I remember. I understand they employ Ice Nine's intense cold to flash-freeze their acolytes, thus sealing in their natural freshness.

Commander: Something like that.

Professor: If Caligula Jones knows you know this, he may be luring you into a trap. I don't want you endangering yourself in a misguided attempt to avenge my injury.

Commander: I must do what I must do. The entire galaxy is in peril as long as Jones remains free.

Fred-16 places a hand on the Commander's shoulder.

Commander: Thank you, Fred-16, but there is greater call for your services here. The Professor needs your assistance and company until he is well.

The robot nods.

The Commander produces a pocket communicator.

Commander: Felicity? Come in, Felicity. Oh, it's you, Troppo. Everything's under control down here and I'm ready to return. Over and out.

The three comrades interchange the Commander Duck salute. The Commander plucks up the sword as he disappears, drawn back to the space station by Tropppo's occult power. Father and son are both startled by this new vanishing act.


Next: Part 4.
 
Last edited:
Part 4​


Special Visual: The X-Minus-Zero.

Scene Four: The Bridge of the X-Minus-Zero.

Commander: The ship is in a state of chaos! What's happened here?

Troppo: We've been boarded and sacked!

Commander: What? Make sense, man!

Troppo: Felicity is in the hands of your arch-enemy.

Commander: Not Caligula Jones?

Troppo nods.

Commander: How?

Troppo: Here's the report from Section Six.

The magic clown presses a button on the console.

Voice: Jones used some as-yet-unidentified long-range device to sabotage the atmosphere computer. When you sealed off Section Five, he was able to approach the X-Minus-Zero from this temporarily blind area and penetrate this section. Caligula and a squad of his death robots therein lay in wait. When you unsealed Section Five, they flooded the Communication Center and abducted Felicity.

Commander: All this during the few minutes I was on Earth?

Voice: Yes, Commander.

The Commander deactivates the intercom.

Commander: His timing is flawless.

Troppo: I beg your pardon?

Commander: Caligula Jones arranged for one of his annihilatrons to attack the Professor. Obviously, it was a diversionary tactic, brilliantly crafted to mask his true purpose.

Troppo: I failed you, Commander. You placed the X-Minus-Zero in my hands, and I've betrayed your trust.

Commander: Nonsense. How could you know the unknowable? It is I who have failed you and everyone on board by deserting my command when I was needed most. But all is not lost. Can your magic transport me to the farthest reaches of this galaxy?

Troppo: I've never attempted anything of that magnitude. It could be very dangerous for you.

Commander: You talk as though I had a choice. I must do what I must do. To the planet Botanica, old friend... And please hurry.

Special Visual: The planet Botanica, spinning in space.

The Commander materializes on the surface of the planet. He takes stock of his surroundings. Suddenly he starts, drawing his laser pistol, as a bulky, clawed creature confronts him.

Commander: Holy Kazoozis!

The Cosmic Carrot enters the frame. He lays a restraining hand on the ray gun.

Carrot: It's all right, Gocko. Leave us in peace. That's a good boy.

Commander: Gocko?

Carrot: One of the neuro-muscular vegetable creatures we use as beasts of burden here at the temple. Greetings, stranger. Do you come to us in peace?

Commander: I come in peace, but I come on a mission of some gravity. You are the Cosmic Carrot?

Carrot: At your service, my son.

Commander: My credentials. I am Commander Duck, Sky Marshal of this galaxy.

Carrot: You honor us with your presence, sir. (bows)

Commander returns the bow.

Commander: Brother Carrot, you and your order are in no small danger. Tell me... have you had any thefts or disappearances lately?

Carrot: None that have been reported to me.

Commander: Has anything of an unusual nature occurred?

Carrot: Life is very peaceful here at the Temple of the Green Giant, my son.

Commander: And you've noticed no deficiency in your supply of the substance known as Ice Nine?

Carrot: Heavens no! Why, it is one of my personal duties to check the storehouse daily.

Commander: (unwrapping his bundle) Then how do you account for the existence of this?

A huge figure steps from the shadows.

Jones: Very good, Commander Duck. I'm pleased to see you haven't lost your flair for the blatantly theatrical!

Commander: Caligula Jones!

Jones: I knew you'd follow me here, Duck. That's why I made no real attempt to cover my tracks.

The Commander turns to the Cosmic Carrot.

Commander: You knew of this?

Carrot: Yes. But I had no choice. He has taken Brother Tomato, Brother Banana, and Brother Orchid as prisoners.

Jones: Worry yourself no further, Carrot. Their part in this drama is complete. I have already given orders for their release. But such is not the case in regard to my other captive.

Jones waves his hand. An annihilatron emerges from the shadows, Felicity in tow.

Commander: Felicity! Thank the cosmos! Are you unharmed?

Felicity: Yes, Commander.

Commander: All right, Jones. You scuttle my computer, wound my science advisor, invade my vessel, and kidnap my chief communications officer. You obviously wanted my attention--okay, brother, you've got it. What's the purpose of all this? Just what's on your slimy mind?

Jones: I challenge you to fight me, Duck. (Caligula draws his sword of Ice Nine) Hand-to-hand combat for the supremacy of this galaxy!

Commander: I accept your challenge, Caligula Jones, and I'll tell you why.

Jones: I knew it! He's going to make a speech!

Commander: I will fight you in the hope of ending your threat to enslave our galaxy. I will fight you in the spirit that motivates free men everywhere. I will fight you to uphold the rights of every creature in the universe, be they animal, vegetable, or mineral.

Jones: You bleeding-heart liberals make me urp!

The Commander removes his uniform coat, handing it to the Cosmic Carrot. He begins rolling up his sleeves. The annihilatron attends Jones, holding his war-helmet and sword. Jones hands it his derby and dons the helmet.

Jones: Lay on, you Duck... And nuts to him who first cries, "Hold--Enough!"


Next: Conclusion.
 
Part 5​


The Commander rips the foil from his sword and begins his advance. Suffice it to say, the ensuing battle is wild and wooly. The sequence is inter-cut with shots of the Cosmic Carrot wringing his hands and shots of Felicity loosening her bonds. Before long, she is free. The annihilatron glances at her. She hastily regains her former submissive pose and grins at the robot. The automaton shakes his head and resumes watching the battle.

Eventually, against all odds, the Commander prevails.

Commander: Thus ends our contest. Order the release of Miss Felicity at once.

Jones plucks a blaster from beneath his armor.

Jones: Not so fast, Duck.

Commander: Aw, that's cheating.

Jones: Cry me a river, Duck. (nasty laugh) You're breaking my heart.

Commander: When word of this gets out, your name will be dishonored throughout the galaxy. Your master, Rear Admiral Goose, will be particularly displeased.

Jones: Precisely so. That is why, within a very few moments, only the annihilatron and I will still exist. And his memory tapes will be a simple thing to erase.

Felicity drops her pose and lifts the annihilatron's ray pistol.

Felicity: (a low hiss) Deactivate yourself--now!

The robot complies, collapsing in a heap.

Felicity: Caligula Jones! Back off, buster, or I'll drill you another navel!

Jones: What!

The renegade quickly sizes up his new position.

Jones: (nasty laugh) You little fool! You can't!

Felicity: And why not?

Jones: That's not a laser; it's only a paralysis ray.

Felicity pensively regards the barrel of the weapon, then smiles sweetly and points it at Jones.

Jones: Oops...

Jones is zapped into statuehood. Felicity blows imaginary smoke from her weapon, then lowers it. The Commander and the Cosmic Carrot enter the frame on either side of her.

Felicity: Now's your chance, Commander. Give him an Ice Nine lobotomy.

Carrot: Tut, tut, my dear. Your must remember that Botanica is a neutral planet.

Felicity: How can you stand there and talk like that after the way he...

Commander: I'm afraid he's right, Felicity. Two wrongs won't make a right. Any move we make against these renegades might threaten Botanica's neutrality. At least your quick thinking has put Jones out of commission for a few weeks. Incidentally, Brother Carrot, he'll make a lovely scarecrow for your living gardens.

The Commander hands the two swords to the Cosmic Carrot.

Commander: Oh, and here, Brother Carrot--perhaps you can beat these into plowshares.

The Carrot accepts them, bows and exits. His chest blots out the frame.

Scene Six: The Gardens of the Temple

Cut to:

The Commander's back, as he walks away from the camera. We are in the Temple's gardens. The Commander brings drinks for himself and Felicity, who sits on a garden bench. He gives her a glass and sits beside her.

Commander: I thought we both deserved a little R & R after that experience. And I want to thank you for saving my life.

Felicity: You wouldn't have come here if it wasn't for me.

The Commander raises his glass.

Commander: To peace in the galaxy...

Felicity: ... and happiness for all.

They clink glasses, lock arms, and drink.

The camera pans over to show Caligula Jones in his new role as scarecrow, a jaunty sombrero perched on his brow. The Cosmic Carrot stands by, holding Brother Tomato.

Carrot: The Commander was right, Brother Tomato. Caligula Jones does make a wonderful scarecrow.

Scene Seven: The Rear Admiral's Flagship.

Special Visual: The majestic flagship of the Rear Admiral glides through the dark sea of space.

On board, the evil Rear Admiral Goose glares into the depths of a huge viewing crystal.

Goose: You fool! You unmitigated clown!

The Rear Admiral beckons to a huge man-bear hovering in the distance.

Goose: Commodore Urso, come here at once!

The Commodore complies.

Goose: (gesturing at the crystal) Observe the sterling efforts of Mr. Caligula Jones, our agent on Botanica! Behold how the mighty warrior terrorizes the crows and blackbirds!

The Commodore shakes his head sadly.

Goose: This is my reward for employing the services of a mercenary. I paid Jones thirty times his weight in gold to destroy my twerpy half-brother, and he has failed miserably. All he had to do is sit on him!

The Rear Admiral waves his hands over the crystal, dimming its light.

Goose: Let my brother enjoy his triumph while he may. Next time, I will take a more personal role in my plans for his destruction. This I pledge: As surely as my name is Rear Admiral Goose, the Commander is a dead duck.

Fade to black.

THE END​


Next: "The Ministry of Hate".
 
The Ministry of Hate.

Here's the script for our second Commander Duck movie. As previously stated, I contributed this one, though GM took a stab at revising it (he evidently felt my first take lacked requisite complexity, proceeding to lengthen it and spice it up with additional cast). I'll present the original draft, then the rewrite. As I recall, we eventually settled on my version for filming (which started, but never completed), an option which I preferred. While the rewrite is far less schematic, I found freshly included character Fred-6's rather ripe dialogue tough to take (his aggressively familiar "hey, sport" approach really got on my nerves). The readers may make their own determination:


The Ministry of Hate

a screenplay by
Foster Glenn Oakes​


Cast of Characters

Commander Duck
Fred-16
Felicity Felinus
Professor Trapezoid
Troppo, the Magic Clown
The Cosmic Carrot
Rear Admiral Goose
Doctor Vorca
General Thoraxid
Cyr Dracus
Tellick Phosk
Narrator

Narrator: This is the Vultron, star-fortress headquarters of the infamous Rear Admiral Goose, founder and principal member of the Dark Alliance. At this moment, a grim meeting is taking place... one which will have the most devastating consequences for the planet Earth.

Ministry of Hate: To the Ministry of Hate!

Goose: (toasting) To you, gentlemen. (they drink.)

Cyr Dracus: Rear Admiral, we very busy men are. You, with this important demonstration, please proceed!

Goose: Be patient, Cyr Dracus. We only await the arrival of my man of science, Dr. Vorca. Surely, the incorporation of this sector's choicest bit of undeveloped real estate is worthy of your time.

Phosk: I take it yo mean that emerald planet which circles the star Sol.

Goose: Yes! The planet Earth! (unveils globe) The protectorate of my "celebrated" half-brother, Commander Duck. What a pleasure it will be to wrench its control from his beloved League of Planets.

Cyr Dracus: And this, how do you plan to accomplish?

Goose: Ah, I see Dr. Vorca has arrived. (enter Vorca.)

Vorca: Gentlemen.

Goose: You shall have your answer now, Cyr Dracus. Proceed, Doctor.

Vorca: (uncovers model of space cannon, which he has brought) This is a scale model of my greatest invention to date.

Cyr Dracus: A space cannon it is! Such weapons new are not! Can this a joke be?

Phosk: A moment, Dracus. This design seems completely revolutionary!

Vorca: Indeed! Would you not consider the utter obliteration of a planet a revolutionary feat? (silence) My Neo-Cosmitronic Radium Cannon is the single most destructive device conceived by a mortal mind! With it, we can ransom the entire galaxy, beginning with the planet Earth.

Goose: I have arranged for a practical demonstration with this functioning model. (he signals for the demonstration to commence.)

The small gun destroys the huge model Earth.

Goose: An excellent trial run, Vorca! The Ministry is completely stunned!

General Thoraxid speaks in sign language.

Phosk: General Thoraxid would like to know the location of the actual cannon.

Goose: I have chosen an uninhabited planet circling a green sun not too far from Sol. Our view of Earth will be very unobstructed.

Phosk: I, for one, am quite pleased. (rising) If there is nothing further, I move that--

Goose: There is one other small point. I can almost assuredly expect interference from my pesky half-brother. I therefore request that General Thoraxid remain to confront the Commander with his, shall we say, "unique" abilities.

General Thoraxid raises his hand, which bursts from his arm like a dagger and embeds itself in the wall.

Goose: Gentlemen, I give you...(raising his glass)...the planet Earth.

A dedication ceremony. A covered statue rests on a table.

Duck: Ladies, gentlemen...and things. I know you're all consumed with anticipation over this special dedication ceremony, so I'll prolong the suspense no longer. In celebration of the 250th anniversary of our beloved space station, I dedicate this solid gold replica of its first commanding officer, the revered Commander Kong, retired.

The Commander unveils the statue.

Felicity: Why, it's a pretty fair likeness of the old buzzard.

Carrot: A monument of which we can all be proud, my child.

Troppo: Is it time for the refreshments yet?

Duck: Now, before the general festivities, I would like to say--

Professor: (off) Let me through! I must speak to Commander Duck! (all eyes turn in his direction.)

Professor Trapezoid enters with Fred-16, who carries an armload of leaflets.

Duck: Why, Professor Trapezoid! Calm yourself, my friend. By the way you look, you'd think it was the end of the world!

Professor: It may just be the end...for my world. Just take a squint at this. (hands him a leaflet. He, in turn, hands it to Felicity.)

Felicity: (reading) "Inhabitants of Earth. Destroy all your arms, abandon your leaders, and make ready for my ascension to power. If these demands are not met within three revolutions, prepare to be blasted into ozone.

With Fire and Thunder,
His Most High Majesty,
The Rear Admiral Goose,
Future Emperor of the
Planet Earth"

Professor: Millions of these leaflets, in every language of Earth, have been showered on all the major cities.

Felicity: Cool down, Professor. This has got to be a bluff.

Professor: Oh, if only it was! I happen to have learned that the Rear Admiral has developed an unthinkably powerful radium cannon. He is quite well prepared to carry out his threat. Well, Commander? What are we going to do?

Troppo: I'm gonna get some punch.

Duck: There's no point in appealing to the League of Planets in this emergency. They're hardly equipped to cope with threats of this magnitude. No, this is a situation I must handle personally.

Professor: I hoped you'd feel that way, my boy. You can trace the ion trails of the carriers that bore the warning leaflets back to the Rear Admiral's headquarters.

Narrator: But will the good Commander be in time? Already, the necessary calculations are being completed for the annihilation of our emerald planet.

The Commander's cruiser exits the space station and zooms toward its destination. It arrives in record time. The surface of the planet is bathed in green light.

Duck: I hope you don't mind going on this mission with me, Fred-16. I felt you were best qualified to help me in this crisis. (Fred salutes) I'm glad you feel that way. (they continue.)

Unknown to them, General Thoraxid has crawled out of a nearby vertical shaft, and is trailing them at a distance. In long shot, the Commander and Fred see the huge bunker housing the Neo-Cosmitronic Radium Cannon. Crews prepare the awesome weapon for firing.

Goose: (seething) I have just this moment received Earth's reply to my ultimatum. (hands the communication to Vorca.)

Vorca: (studying it) What does "Nuts!" mean?

Goose: It means we prepare the cannon for firing immediately!

They cross a narrow bridge to the gun platform.

Vorca: (peering over the ledge into the raging furnace below) The reactor has nearly reached peak efficiency. Nothing can stop it now... nothing except gold ore.

Goose: What's that you say?

Vorca: The Neo-Cosmitronic Radium element cannot penetrate the element gold. Consider the marvelous side effects of that. After the Earth is destroyed, its gold fields will still be floating free in space, yours for the taking!

Duck: (off) So, Professor Trapezoid was right. (they turn to see Commander Duck and Fred-16) He suspected that your "ultimate" weapon had a weak point.

Goose: So, you did track me down, half-brother. Well, this isn't quite how I'd planned things, but it may work out for the best, regardless. How sweet it will be to watch your face, as your beloved Earth is destroyed before your very eyes!

Duck: I come not to bury Terra, but to save it! (to the robot) Fred-16! (Freddie produces the golden statue of Commander Kong) Fix Commander Kong's statue in the barrel of the gun.

Vorca: No! No! You don't know what that will do! If all this power can't be projected at Earth, it will destroy this planet instead!

Duck: Oh. (thinks it over) In that case, I suggest that we all depart now.

Goose: I have a better suggestion: you say goodbye!

The Rear Admiral signals to General Thoraxid. Fred-16 follows his gaze, sees Thoraxid, then turns back. Suddenly, he does a double-take. As Thoraxid fires, Fred-16 steps into the path of the flying arm, which embeds itself in his metal chest. A donnybrook ensues. While Fred-16 floors Thoraxid, Duck and Goose struggle. Vorca pulls out a gun and places it to Fred's head.

Vorca: Enough, Commander Duck! Don't make another move, or I'll blast your little friend into gears and ball-bearings!

Fred vehemently shakes his head "no".

Duck: It's no use, Fred. I can't allow you to be hurt.

All at once, flame and smoke flare from the reactor. The Rear Admiral frees himself from the Commander's grip.

Vorca: The reactor furnace is ready to erupt! We have only seconds to spare!

Goose: (to Duck) We shall meet again, half-brother! (he exits with Vorca and Thoraxid. A red glare envelopes the chamber.)

Duck: Hurry, Freddie!

They race over the bridge, as the radium element boils in the reactor. The Neo-Cosmitronic Cannon glows red with the pressure of the restrained element. Explosions send pieces of steel and masonry plummeting into the reactor pit.

Finally, the cannon misfires, showering the chamber with Neo-Cosmitronic radium. As the Commander's cruiser sails away from the planet, it vanishes in a blaze of cosmic fire.

Narrator: (revealed to be Commander Kong) And so, although my beautiful golden statue was destroyed, the galaxy is once more safe for free planets. Once more, Commander Duck has triumphed over the forces of darkness and chaos.

-FIN-​

This first draft of the screenplay completed by Foster Glenn Oakes--January, 1980.


Next: "The Ministry of Hate", revised.
 
Last edited:
Reading this screenplay over for public presentation, I remembered the reason for GM's revision: after the opening scene had been shot, the actor portraying Dr. Vorca dropped out of the production and rejiggering the cast became an obvious necessity. GM used it as an excuse to reintroduce Caligula Jones (I was playing the part myself and was less likely to split, this being my shot at Commander Duck storytelling). The additional scenes (the expanded role for Troppo; the extended time spent on the planet's surface; the epilogue) were probably deemed necessary due to the anemic nature of the first draft. It's hard to argue with that; I only wish I found Fred-6's manner less irritating:


The Ministry of Hate

A Screenplay
by

Foster Glenn Oakes
and
GM


Dramatis Personae

Commander Duck
Professor Trapezoid
Fred-6 the Robot
Troppo the Magic Clown
Felicity Felinus
The Cosmic Carrot
Sprocket H. Celluloid
Rear Admiral Goose
General Thoraxid
Cyr Dracus
Tellik Phosk
Doctor Vorca
Caligula Jones
The Narrator​


Narrator: This is the star fortress Vultron. It serves as headquarters for the infamous Rear Admiral Goose, founder and guiding force of the Dark Alliance. At this moment, a grim meeting is taking place… a meeting which is destined to have the most devastating consequences for the planet Earth.

Ministry of Hate: To the Ministry of Hate, Inner Council of the Dark Alliance!

Goose: (toasting) To you, gentlemen.

They drink.

Cyr Dracus: Rear Admiral, we very busy men are. You, with this important demonstration, please proceed.

Goose: Be patient, Cyr Dracus. We only await the arrival of my man of science, Dr. Vorca. Surely the incorporation of this sector's choicest bit of undeveloped real estate is a subject worthy of your time.

Phosk: I take it you refer to that blue planet which circles the star Sol.

Goose: Yes, the planet Earth, also known as Terra. (unveils a huge globe) The protectorate of my "celebrated" half-brother, Commander Duck. Half-brother... half-wit! What a pleasure it will be to wrench its control away from his beloved League of Planets!

Cyr Dracus: And how do you plan this to accomplish?

Goose: Ah, I see Dr. Vorca has arrived.

Enter Vorca.

Vorca: (bowing slightly) Gentlemen.

Goose: You shall have your answer now, Cyr Dracus. Proceed, Doctor.

Vorca: (uncovers tiny model of the space cannon) This is a scale model of my greatest invention.

Cyr Dracus: A space cannon it is! Such weapons new are not. Can this a joke be?

Phosk: A moment, Dracus. This design seems to be completely revolutionary!

The room is silent.

Vorca: My Neo-Cosmitronic Radium Cannon is the single most destructive devise ever conceived by a mortal mind. With it, we can ransom the entire galaxy, beginning with the planet known as Earth.

Goose: I have arranged a practical demonstration of this fully-functioning model. Doctor?

Vorca: Gentlemen, please direct your attention to the towering globe which represents the planet Earth.

The model cannon blazes into action, destroying the Earth model.

Goose: (aside, to Vorca) An excellent trial run, Vorca. The Ministry is stunned!

General Thoraxid speaks in sign language.

Phosk: General Thoraxid would like to know the location of the actual cannon.

Goose: I have chosen an uninhabited planet which circles a green sun, not too far from Sol. Our view of Earth will be quite unobstructed.

Phosk: I, for one, am well pleased. (rising) If there is nothing further, I move that--

Goose: There is another small point, Tellik Phosk. I can almost assuredly expect interference from my pesky half-brother. I therefore request that General Thoraxid remain to confront the Commander with his, shall we say, "unique" abilities.

General Thoraxid raises his hand. The appendage bursts from his arm and embeds itself, dagger-like, in the wall. Goose gives voice to a dry chuckle, which quickly escalates into laughter of the most evil kind. Doctor Vorca and the Ministry join with him in this disgusting display.

Goose: Gentlemen, I give you...(raising his glass)...the planet Earth!

Effects: a large asteroid.

Narrator: Meanwhile, on an asteroid with no name…

A darkened chamber, lit by candles, hung with tapestries. Troppo performs an intricate illusion, and performs it flawlessly. We see a wizened figure has witnessed this display. He stands.

Rossimor: Excellent, my son. You have this day attained the twelfth level of sorcery. Within a fortnight you will have achieved the fourteenth level, and Rossimor can teach you no more.

Troppo bows.

Troppo: It is an honor to have been selected as your final pupil.

Rossimor smiles.

Rossimor: Never has a student shown such promise, or learned so quickly. It is fitting that I end my career of instruction with you.

Troppo: You do not seem so old, Master Rossimor.

Rossimor: I am older by half than most of the stars that hang in the heavens. My hair was once a lustrous orange, like yours. Now it has all turned green. No… the time for my rest is long overdue.

Troppo's hand flies to his temple. He staggers.

Troppo: Holy Kazoozis!

Rossimor: Troppo! Are you ill, my son?

Troppo: I have received a powerful psychic vibration.

Rossimor: What does it portend?

Troppo: Great danger faces my friends aboard the X-Minus-Zero. Countless lives will be lost. Planets will die.

Rossimor: This is a dark time for the cosmos.

Troppo: I must go to my friends. They will have need for my powers.

Rossimor shakes his head.

Rossimor: You cannot. You must remain until the fortnight is ended. You are in tune with forces beyond our control.

Troppo: But Rossimor, I can't just…

Rossimor: I am sorry. There is nothing either of us can do.

Troppo buries his head in his hands. Rossimor sadly pats his shoulder.

Fade out…


Next: Part 2.
 
Part 2​


Effects: the space station X-Minus-Zero.

Narrator: Meanwhile, half a galaxy away, the space station X-Minus-Zero confidently orbits the planet entrusted to its care… the planet known as Earth.

A chamber on board the space station. Felicity Felinus feeds a strange-looking pet.

Felicity: That's a good ningalaro. Eat up nice.

CU of beast. It refuses tidbit, howls plaintively. Commander Duck studies a paper. A knock sounds.

Duck: Enter, please.

Quincy Quack enters, salutes smartly.

Quack: Spaceman First Class Quincy Quack, sir.

Duck walks into frame, returns salute.

Duck: What is your report?

Quack: Ambassador Glick of Mercury has just arrived, sir.

Duck: Mmm. Ambassador Glick is liquid at room temperature, isn't he?

Quack: I'm afraid so, sir.

Duck: Uh-huh. Well, give him a glass of ice tea and we'll hope for the best.

Quack: Aye-aye, sir.

Duck: Has the guest of honor arrived yet?

Quack: No, sir.

Duck: I see. Thank you, Cadet Quack. That will be all.

Quack: Aye-aye, sir.

He salutes smartly, and exits.

Duck: Felicity… are you going to fuss with that ningalaro all day? You promised to help me go over this speech.

Felicity: Don't listen to the bad mans, Poopi. Poopi is Mama's little ningalaro,

Duck: Felicity…

Felicity: Oh, all right. Honestly, I've never seen you so nervous. If you get any more wound up, you'll start to molt. Won't that be pretty…

Duck: I can't help being nervous. Dignitaries from at least a dozen planets will be here for the ceremony. Commander Kong is one of the great heroes of our galaxy.

Felicity: Let me see the statue again.

Duck: Now?

Felicity: Oh, relax. You've got plenty of time to run through your old speech. Loosen up a little.

Duck: Oh, all right. I don't suppose it can hurt anything.

Duck unveils the statue (it's invisible to the audience).

Felicity: Oooh…

Duck replaces the drape.

Duck: Now… if it' s not too much trouble, let's get at this speech.

An alarm sounds.

Felicity: What was that?

Duck: It's the emergency signal device I installed in Professor Trapezoid's home. We'd better contact him on the Earth radio. Come on.

They exit.

A radio set. Duck sits before set, Felicity leans on same.

Duck: Calling Planet Earth… calling Planet Earth… come in, Professor… can you read me?

Prof.'s voice: (distraught) Hello, dear boy. Thank goodness you got my signal. I must see you at once.

Duck: This is an awkward time for me to try and get away…

Felicity: (grabbing microphone) Some nerve, I'll say. What do you wanna do, put the kee-bosh on this swell blow out? Where are your priorities? Sometimes I think you spend too much time cooped up with that tin palooka!

Prof.'s voice: Fred-16 is not a "tin palooka".

Felicity: Hmmph. You could have fooled me! (She switches off the set.) There! That'll learn him!

Duck: Felicity! Suppose it was an important call!

Felicity: Fat chance, the contentious old goat! C'mon, hustle. We're already late…

Dissolve. A dedication ceremony is in progress. Aliens of a dozen worlds are in attendance. The covered statue rests on a table. Commander Kong sits in the seat of honor. The Commander places one gloved hand on the veiled object.

Duck: Ladies, gentlemen… and things. I know you are all consumed with anticipation over this special dedication ceremony, so I will prolong the suspense no longer. In celebration of the 250th anniversary of our grand old space station, I dedicate this solid gold replica of its first commanding officer, the revered Commander Kong, now retired.

The Commander unveils the statue.

Felicity: Why, it's a pretty fair likeness of the old space rat. (Realizes what she's said, covers mouth).

Cosmic Carrot: 'Tis a monument of which we can all be proud, my child.

Mr. Celluloid: Is it time for refreshments yet?

Duck: (a stern glance at Celluloid) Now, before the general festivities, I would like to call upon the guest of honor to favor us with a few words.

Kong mounts to the podium, raises a finger, opens his mouth to speak.

Professor: (off-screen) Let me through! I must speak to Commander Duck!

Felicity: What the devil--?

All eyes turn in the direction of the Professor's voice. Trapezoid enters with Fred-6, who carries an armload of leaflets.

Duck: Why, it's the Professor and… Fred-16?

Professor: Close but no cigar, my boy. This here's Fred-6, an earlier model. Fred-16's in the shop for his yearly tune-up.

Fred-6: Hiya, sport!

Duck: Professor, I'm surprised at you!

Felicity: Professor Trapezoid, you've pulled some cute ones in your time, but this is far and away the worst. It's not enough that you and this scrap pile are late for the ceremony. Oh no… you have to come busting in here like some lunatic and interrupt this beautiful--

Fred-6 looks hurt. The Commander raises his hand.

Duck: One moment, Felicity. Something is obviously amiss. (to Professor) Now just calm yourself, old friend, and tell us what the problem is. Why, by the way you look, you'd think it was the end of the world.

Professor: It may just be the end… for my world! Just take a squint at this.

The Professor hands one of the leaflets to the Commander, who quickly scans the sheet. Looking slightly ill, the Commander then hands the leaflet to Felicity, who reads the contents aloud.

Felicity: (reading) "Inhabitants of Earth: destroy all your arms, abandon your leaders, and make ready for my ascension to power. If these demands are not met within three revolutions of your planet, prepare to be blasted into ozone.

With fire and thunder,
His most high Majesty
The Rear Admiral Goose,
Future Emperor of
The Planet Earth"

Carrot Oh, my stars!

Professor: Millions of these leaflets, in all the languages of Earth, have been showered on every major city.

Felicity: Cool down, Professor. This has got to be a bluff.

Professor: I might have expected as much from you, you dumb tootsie! I happen to have learned that the Rear Admiral has developed an unthinkably powerful Radium Cannon. He is quite well prepared to carry out his threat. Commander, what are we going to do?

Celluloid: I'm going to get some punch.

Duck: There is no point appealing to the League of Planets in this emergency. They're hardly equipped to cope with threats of this magnitude. No, Goose is my problem. This is clearly a situation I shall have to handle personally.

Professor: I'd hoped you'd feel that way, my boy. The ion trails of the carriers that delivered the warning leaflets are traceable. You can follow them right back to the headquarters of the Rear Admiral.

Narrator: But will the good Commander be in time? Already, the calculations necessary for the annihilation of the blue planet are reaching their completion.

The Commander's astro-cruiser spurts from the space station and jets toward its destination.

Narrator: Each second that passes brings the Earth closer and closer to total annihilation.

Effects: a large asteroid.

Narrator: At this moment, in the domain of the ancient wizard Rossimor…

A shadowy chamber deep within Rossimor's stronghold. Troppo stands before an ornate magic table upon which has been up-ended a traditional magical top hat. The clown gropes within to withdrawn not the expended bunny rabbit, but a shiny red apple. He places this fruit at the center of the table, drapes it with a brightly colored cloth, then executes a series of mystic passes. He whisks the cloth away; the apple has vanished.


Next: Part 3.
 
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