Why are Men Sexually Protective of their Young Daughters?

[NavelTickler75]

Guys just want to protect their daughters.
I know I have had chat daughters, and when they were mistreated by their "boyfriends" I was like, "bring the torches and the pitchforks". Why, because no one hurts my babies.

 

[Ace Riley]

Let's all tell each other how to raise other people's kids. That's what I want to do. 🙄

Your eyes must be glued shut if you don't think some people need it.

Wisdom should be in high demand, there's no quick FAQ on life. No one person knows it all, especially not oneself.

...lol, but whatever. This has been an issue between generations, and even within generations since people been fuckin'. Criminals will still be born, kids will still do drugs, and life will continue to be rather depressing for families due to bad luck or bad planning.

In one ear and out the other. The ever repeating echo of life.

 

[P[a]pi]

Let's all tell each other how to raise other people's kids. That's what I want to do. 🙄

Just for the record haha Meka and I aren't trying to tell anybody how to raise their kids. We just don't think this...

It's a father's job to give his daughter's potential mate hell; if he doesn't, it means he doesn't care about his daughter's future. If that grates against you guys, it should because it'll teach you how to treat a woman with respect or deal with some serious consequences. I know some fathers who aren't past going to jail if someone hurts his daughter. It's not about property or territory, it's about an investment of love.

...is unnecessary. So, we wouldn't do this with our kid(s). We just think there is something in between this extreme and and not protecting your daughter at all. And we think that if you just protect your daughter instead of over-protect her, she will learn on her own and be alright.

It doesn't make any sense to me. Every father should be mean to every potential boyfriend because all potential boyfriends are bad...except the ones that grew up to be fathers...and the sons of these fathers...

Wow, you didn't bother to read the entire post but you think it's boring? Whatever!!!! It certainly sounds like a great way to handle a debate; thanks for sharing your views and not giving credance to those who disagree with you. Maybe I'm wrong and you'll be the exact same way you are when you become a parent; to that I say "good luck!'

It's not about being "easily swayed" by people; you don't know me well enough to even attempt that statement! It's called life and if you don't let it mold, shape, and even sometimes sway you, you don't grow. Things that don't grow become stagnant and eventually die! It's called MATURITY and from that you gain WISDOM; and it's the only way it comes about! Maybe you'll get that in a few years, then again..............

I tried to be reasonable with you like a mature adult, and this is your best response? Wow! It's pretty obvious that reason is beyond some. I know I'm right on this one so you're right, it's not worth wasting another moment of either of our precious time. I certainly can find better things to do with mine.....

Don't take it personally that Meka didn't read all of your really long post. Whenever I make a really long post I know that there is a good chance that it won't be read or it will only be scimmed. I mean she did scim it haha. She is just bored with arguing. She wasn't saying your post was boring.

 

[tyler_d]

And we think that if you just protect your daughter instead of over-protect her, she will learn on her own and be alright.

It doesn't make any sense to me. Every father should be mean to every potential boyfriend because all potential boyfriends are bad...except the ones that grew up to be fathers...and the sons of these fathers...

very excellent points, which is why I think there's very deep rooted instinctive elements that tie to what we perceive as illogical WRT the excessiveness.

 

[LindyHopper]

If you want to protect your daughter sexually you should talk to her about sex, and how the mating game is played and the different types of players... not restrict her from experiencing one of the best pleasures and intimacies life has to offer!!!

All overprotective parents defends their actions as "protecting" their daughters from scum. And I have no problem with parents who can see that X guy is bad news, who then go to great lengths to keep their daughters away from him. My issue is with parents treat all men as the enemy, regardless of what kinds of people they actually are.

Like any good, trusting, trustworthy daughter, I told my parents when my first boyfriend and I were ready to have sex. I was 17. He and I had been together for years. He was newly in college, a straight A student who never got into trouble, and had a bright future ahead of him. We were both virgins, so no worry about STDs. We used redundant methods of birth control, because we were smart enough to protect ourselves. Yet my parents completely flipped out, and were utterly unable to deal with this situation.

I finally convinced them that they had no power to stop me from going ahead with this decision, so they could either help me get the medical and familial support that I needed, or they could leave me to take care of this on my own. My mother grudgingly took me to see a gynecologist, and the sex policy for the rest of the time I lived at home was, "Not in the house. Never in our house."

My parents didn't act this way out of a concern for me ruining my life. Their problem was a visceral, irrational response to the notion of me having sex. It is this reaction, I believe, that drives fathers to beat off all courting men with a stick, even the good ones. Whatever they might claim, probably with all honesty, at least from their perspective, it is not to protect their daughters. It is to protect themselves from the vomit-inducing image of their little girls doing nasty, grown-up things.

In my experience, those who do not change their thinking upon having children (from when they were without them) have failed to reprioritize their lives despite a striking new responsibility. The focus remains on themselves.

There is so much more to it than that.

There is no dichotomy between "parents who attempt to keep their childrens' sexuality under lock and key" and "parents who neglect their children because they are too self-centered to take responsibility." Those are two entirely different concepts. You leave out entirely the parents who attempt to raise their children to be independent, wise decision-makers, in control of their own lives. You ignore the parents who understand sexuality to be an important, natural part of life, even for their little girls (who are now in their late teens, or even grown).

Do these kinds of parents exist? I hope so. But most of the parents I see, on this forum and in real life, are of the type who treat all potential suitors like potential criminals because they themselves cannot stomach the idea of their children growing up. The fact that this pattern is typical does not make it right, rational, or healthy for anyone involved.

No, I do not yet have kids, and I hope to hold my current pre-child viewpoints clearly in my mind when I do cross that threshold. If the ability to view teenage sexuality rationally instead of emotionally is a talent reserved for the childless, then I'm going to have to work all the harder to hang on to it when I'm dealing with it for real.

Brought to you by one of those know-it-all, know-nothing non-parents, damn them all to Hell, why won't they just shut up! 😉

 

[Deleted member 2452]

this is as far as i read because this thread isn't getting anyone anywhere and frankly im just getting bored with it. So im just letting you know that i didn't read all that you just wrote. So let me just say this..you can't guarantee anything that i'll do with my kids because you don't know me from a can of paint. I know that i won't be that kind of parent, so please, don't try and take me down that "just wait until you have kids" road. If i tell you one thing, then thats just what it is. And when i said that statement about me not having kids i wasn't actually saying that you, sorry about that. And i do think that what you're stating is wrong, and just because you have faught with people who may think like me, but im not easily swayed..i say what i mean and i mean what i say always.


And if you don't trust yourself to raise a child that'll avoid idiots (like my daughter does ON HER OWN) then you don't trust your parenting abilities even before you have children-is that what I'm reading from your post?

i did read that section and no thats not what you're reading from my post. What i ment by that was if i did find out that my daughter was sexually active at a young age then i would blame my parenting for that, not the boy she was sexually active with.

and just so that you know i most likely won't be responding in this thread again because we're just going to keep going in circle around eachother stating our opionions that we both don't agree with so why bother.

little girl, you sound like a fool.
steve

 

[Deleted member 2452]

a couple more thoughts

it's only "overprotective" to you guys that want to take advantage of dumb girls with noone to look out for them, and you females that want to strut about like a cat in heat. that right, i'm calling you letchers, and sluts!
a couple weeks ago a friend of my my 18y.o. was here visiting for a couple hours, and filling us in on her life, and tribulations. she told us she was moving in with her boy friend the day after graduating high school. (about 4 days away). i told her it was a mistake, that she did have other options (she had a very bad home life) we talked quite a while. after she left my daughters came and told me they had appologised to her for my preaching, and her response was "at least he cares, i wish my own parents cared about me that much".
kids want to be protected.

 

[kis123]

Brought to you by one of those know-it-all, know-nothing non-parents, damn them all to Hell, why won't they just shut up! 😉

I don't know how this turned into the "non-parents have no opinion" thread. Personally, I welcome your opinions, but as I said before on several occasions until you've walked the walk your opinion is just that. Until you've stared the situation in the face as a parent, you (and all "yous" being hypothetical) really don't know how you'd handle it. You're only speculating how you'd like to think you would if you were a parent.

Some of you are set in your opinions and may never change if/when you become parents. That's your kid and your business. When my daughter dates, I look at the boyfriend and eventually want to meet his parents so at least I can be prepared to answer any issues that might arise. I know not everyone subscribes to my way of parenting children and that's okay unless "your" way looks like it can be detrimental to the well-being of my child. Then I have a problem with it.

Another case-in-point; my daughter was hanging out with a family in the city where her father lives last summer. The parents are very permissive with their children and they pretty much do whatever they want. My daughter thought she was in heaven! She didn't want to live with me last summer because she knew she'd have to respect the rules of my home and be a contributing member of the family. So I let her go stay with them; within 5 days, she was begging to come home. She couldn't handle the chaos of their family dynamic. She also noticed something else; their daughter dropped out of college and sleeps around with loser guys and the son is barely existing in high school. She's about to start her sophomore year of college and I raised her long-distance for five years! Those parents tell her constantly that they wish she was their chilld. They are very nice people who have been a blessing to my family over the years, but IMHO, they are lousy parents who just let their kids run wild!

Generally speaking, children want their parents to care about them and their lives. There are children in my neighborhood who's parents let them do whatever they want as long as they stay out of the way. Children challenge parents mostly because in the recesses of those young rebellious minds, they want to know that their parents care about what they do and the decisions they make. Trust me on this one because I have the feedback from my own kids.

There were many situations growing up where I wish my parents would've told me they care about my outcome and my future. All I got was "my way or else!". I've talked to my kids EXTENSIVELY about sex and the possible outcomes; this is why I don't want them having sex without being prepared for the responsibilities that come with it. Having sex is more than having a good time in bed; without proper information, it's Russian roulette with a different weapon than a gun! If my daughter talked to me about being interested in pursuing a sexual relationship with a boyfriend (and she would because she tells me everything including the stuff a parent would prefer sometimes not knowing), I'd take her to the clinic to help her with her options. I wouldn't like it, but forbidding her from something she thinks she's ready for may push her over the edge sooner than she's actually ready. I took birth control for years before I actually started having sex; I had the information but wasn't ready for the committment. When I was ready, I had everything I needed.

 

[kis123]

Just for the record haha Meka and I aren't trying to tell anybody how to raise their kids. We just don't think this...



...is unnecessary. So, we wouldn't do this with our kid(s). We just think there is something in between this extreme and and not protecting your daughter at all. And we think that if you just protect your daughter instead of over-protect her, she will learn on her own and be alright.

It doesn't make any sense to me. Every father should be mean to every potential boyfriend because all potential boyfriends are bad...except the ones that grew up to be fathers...and the sons of these fathers...



Don't take it personally that Meka didn't read all of your really long post. Whenever I make a really long post I know that there is a good chance that it won't be read or it will only be scimmed. I mean she did scim it haha. She is just bored with arguing. She wasn't saying your post was boring.

As I said earlier in my very long post, it's a father's job to protect his daughter/family from predators. Some guys think a protective father automatically equates to overprotective. That's just plain silly and extreme; some guys are just upset because he doesn't have easy access to his next prey. Daddy should be there to let him know that he's not going to take advantage of his child. Go ahead and date, but know in the back of his mind that he has someone to answer to if things go wrong. I see nothing wrong with that at all and more fathers should do it. Maybe our teen pregnancy rates would go down and our fatherless children rates would improve.

You don't want to be the parent stuck with having to feed an extra mouth that you didn't reproduce, I guarantee you.

Hopefully short and to-the-point enough!

 

[kis123]

Let's all tell each other how to raise other people's kids. That's what I want to do. 🙄

Interesting....care to elaborate? Especially since no one here is doing that at all. We're stating our opinions; how that equates to people telling each other how to raise their kids is a very intersting POV. I'm sure you're ready to expand on your point and I personallly can hardly wait to hear it.

 

[Comfort Eagle]

This probley doesnt have anything to do with anything, but I'm overprotective of my close-friend, who is a younger girl, and have almost whooped some ass on several occasions becuase of it.

Why, because no one hurts my babies.

I think thats kinda the same thing... 🙂

 

[aun_existe_amor]

All parents should be protective of their kids, not just the fathers. Bob said that he will be cleaning his gun the first time my daughter brings her boyfriend home. I know he was joking because I won't allow a gun in the house 😀

Anyway, if the boyfriend is a decent well brought up young man he won't mind answering any questions we have for him. He'll be pollite and show us respect. We'll see for ourselves how he treats my daughter in our company. We know my daughter well enough to see if she's surprised by his change in manners, or if he really is the person he's presenting to us. We'll see how well he respects our rules on the time she has to be home after dates. If he really cares about her he will want to keep on the right side of her parents. If he doesn't care about her and treat us all with respect then I'll just have to change my mind about the gun rule, or at least let Bob give him a gentle enough warning to keep him running for miles with his tail between his legs. I'm just hoping my daughter grows up to be like me and then I won't worry about what she's doing while she's out of sight.

Kids these days (good grief I'm getting old) think they know everything and have no respect for their elders. They think they're the first to discover sex and are the best at it! I never knew of a 12 year old getting pregnant but now it's not uncommon. That is the parents fault for not educating their child and trusting before they were sure they could trust. Some parenting skills seem to be very slack, just let the kids do what they want, let them learn from their own mistakes too often, let them grow up too early. We're all adults for a long time but only children for a short time. Why take away your daughter's childhood? Don't let them grow up too soon. Being protective is good.

Oh, one more thing.......I haven't read the whole thread so I have no idea who said what but this is coming from a mother.......

Until you have kids of your own you really do not have any idea of what will happen or what anything will be like or what you will do. Being a parent is about learning about yourself as much as learning about your child. Every child is different and has a completely different personality. If I have another daughter I will have to treat her differently and change certain rules because she will be a different person, completely unique. There's no point in saying that any parent is over protective because you never know what goes on behind closed doors or what has happened in the past. There's no point in saying you will do this or that because no one knows what they will do until the time comes. You might know yourself but you don't know your child until you give birth. After you become a parent you'll realise that there's a lot you didn't know about yourself.

 

[Capnmad]

There is so much more to it than that.

There is no dichotomy between "parents who attempt to keep their childrens' sexuality under lock and key" and "parents who neglect their children because they are too self-centered to take responsibility." Those are two entirely different concepts. You leave out entirely the parents who attempt to raise their children to be independent, wise decision-makers, in control of their own lives. You ignore the parents who understand sexuality to be an important, natural part of life, even for their little girls (who are now in their late teens, or even grown).

I beg your pardon. I was trying to make a more general statement about parental care and interest in the child's welfare, seeing as how a portion of debate began between two participants wherein one suggested the other's eyes would be opened and their thinking would change once they had kids. That topic was the only portion of debate I chose to address. I draw no dichotomies and I ignore nothing, but I am selective in what I write about.

Thank you for bringing this up so that I could shed more light on my remarks.

 

[Capnmad]

I've found this to almost always be the case. Was curious if anyone knew the biological reason why?

I'd like to address the original question, but first, I'd like to recognize that there were some notable inputs already:

It's pretty rare for the male of the species to protect the offspring from anything, and when he does, he's protecting them from being eaten, not from sexual behavior. In fact, reproduction is a biological imperative so I can't imagine a male parent interfering at all unless he wanted to mate his daughter himself.

Social concern, in particular, is a largely 20th century concept, in this sense. For millions upon millions of years, all there was was territoriality. Which one do you think is more hard-wired into a man's head?

LK70 made the above astute observation and went on to describe the response as possibly "jealousy on a very primal level". But that part flies a bit too close to Freud for me...

Azrael wisely cites "territoriality", but I feel the term itself may be insufficient an answer, insofar as it lacks detail and neglects from whence such a territorial response would evolve.

Here are my thoughts.

Consider yourself the father of a family in a primitive era. You are the Alpha male. You have a daughter of mating age. Now some young Beta male of a neighboring clan seems to want to court your daughter. There are two possible outcomes should she become pregnant (which is typically the goal/result of courtship):

1. The Beta male is strong, smart, competent, and decent to your daughter, and could grow to be a good Alpha in time.

2. The Beta male fails in one or more of these areas.

If #1., your daughter is in good hands, her progeny has a greater likelihood of survival, your genetic line is more likely preserved, and so, all that time and effort you spent in raising her, providing for her, hunting, gathering, and protecting your family pays off.

If #2., your investment in this child over the years has more likely been squandered, as she and her own child are less likely to survive. If you have compassion, then, and the Beta is essentially useless, you will have a new mouth to feed in addition to your returned daughter. Seeing as how you probably won't live much beyond 35 years of age, that pretty much sucks.

To be sure of #1., the Beta male must be tested.

This is the root of many male rites of passage -- demonstrations of worth, courage, strength, cunning, endurance, tolerance of pain, and the like. In modern society, this becomes the overbearing parent, because we can't make our daughter's prospective mates wear a gauntlet of stinging insects (a male rite of passage in some culture that slips my mind) to prove their worth. It's so they know that if they fail in our eyes, they're done. The father's judgement is the sting.

 

[tyler_d]

To be sure of #1., the Beta male must be tested.

Absolutely brilliant deduction! (you're my huckleberry) By far the best insight (IMO) that I have read across a number of forums for this specific question. Thanks for sharing 🙂

Seeing as how you probably won't live much beyond 35 years of age, that pretty much sucks.

LOL, true back then 😀

 

[jaba]

I'm just askin.........

Here are my thoughts.

Consider yourself the father of a family in a primitive era. You are the Alpha male. You have a daughter of mating age. Now some young Beta male of a neighboring clan seems to want to court your daughter. There are two possible outcomes should she become pregnant (which is typically the goal/result of courtship):

1. The Beta male is strong, smart, competent, and decent to your daughter, and could grow to be a good Alpha in time.

2. The Beta male fails in one or more of these areas.


To be sure of #1., the Beta male must be tested.

This is the root of many male rites of passage -- demonstrations of worth, courage, strength, cunning, endurance, tolerance of pain, and the like. In modern society, this becomes the overbearing parent, because we can't make our daughter's prospective mates wear a gauntlet of stinging insects (a male rite of passage in some culture that slips my mind) to prove their worth. It's so they know that if they fail in our eyes, they're done. The father's judgement is the sting.

Ok....so why would today's young "beta" male suffer the pain and humiliation of getting his ass stung off by a bunch of killer bees to prove his "worthiness"....

If the "daughter" is giving up the "honey" to him....... for free?....

 

[MEKA]

Ok....so why would today's young "beta" male suffer the pain and humiliation of getting his ass stung off by a bunch of killer bees to prove his "worthiness"....

If the "daughter" is giving up the "honey" to him....... for free?....

good question..alot of people don't seem to understand that point..

 

[Capnmad]

Ok....so why would today's young "beta" male suffer the pain and humiliation of getting his ass stung off by a bunch of killer bees to prove his "worthiness"....

If the "daughter" is giving up the "honey" to him....... for free?....

You'll have to pardon me -- the way you've stated this, the fact that I'm unfamiliar with your preference for humor, and given that I don't know your capacity to recognize the scenario I described as a likely past circumstance and analogue for modern behavior makes me wonder whether you're asking a question literally, metaphorically, or just taking the opportunity to make a little analogy joke... Just a bit confused, is all.

In any event, here are your answers:


If literally: The culture with the wasp-ridden (I'm pretty sure it was wasps) gauntlet as a rite of passage was a small culture in Central or South America, I think. Many such rites of passage are simply obligatory upon coming of age (you turn twelve, you get the glove). It's not a matter of choice, but after that, you're a man and free to court, according to the society. This is not a practice observed in the U.S., and there is no standardized rite of passage for courtship in post-industrial society, nor any analogue I know of, save parental scrutiny.


If metaphorically: Beta males acquiesce to the scrutiny and demands (the metaphorical stings) of the father (Alpha male) as an understood part of continuing association with the daughter. Whether or not she's having sex with him is rather irrelevant -- she may be, she may not be -- but until the Beta male is self-sufficient and could reasonably support himself and her or the both of them with her support, acquiescing to the Alpha's demands is the most reasonable and usually most convenient (however uncomfortable) way to continue association with the daughter. Eloping is possible, but risky.

The fact that the daughter and the Beta male may be having sex does not negate the protective instinct of the father/Alpha. Rather, even if the Alpha is aware of her sexual involvement with the Beta, the protective instinct may remain, sublimated into societally acceptable terms as concern for her general welfare.


If a joke: Haha.

😎

Meka: If you think I'm missing something, you're welcome to elaborate. 🙂

 

[Capnmad]

Absolutely brilliant deduction! (you're my huckleberry) By far the best insight (IMO) that I have read across a number of forums for this specific question. Thanks for sharing 🙂

Oh! I'd missed that! Thanks for the compliment. Happy to be of service, Tyler. 🙂

Gotta' love "Tombstone"... Kilmer's Doc Holliday was the best!

 

[tyler_d]

Gotta' love "Tombstone"... Kilmer's Doc Holliday was the best!

one of my favorite lines too 😀

well deserved comments to be worthy of such a line 🙂

 

[P[a]pi]

little girl, you sound like a fool.
steve

(Directed toward Meka)

then i highly recomend you stay the fuck away from my daughters, and then you and the other asshole azreal won't have to put up with over propective father types like me!
well said kiss..
steve

Well, little boy, I think you sound like a dork. No one is trying to do anything to your daughters. You making this personal to yourself about your kids is stupid. This thread is a sharing of general opinions. It's not about "how should areenactor protect his daughters." Talk about exaggerating. 🙄

 

[ChildofHope]

My Brother-in-Law

My brother-in-law is really overprotective of his daughter (my niece - yeah I'm an aunty!) all ready and she's barely two months old. But he's a really good daddy.

 

[indivision]

I'm coming into this a little late. At first, I wasn't going to say anything, but I do have a few thoughts that I would like to express.

Obviously, the whole root of this is a parent's innate need to protect the child. Stating the obvious, I know, but it's a good beginning. Second of all, I think parents in general seem to feel a little...hmm, what's the word...attached to kids of the opposite sex. I know I'm probably expressing this badly, but it's late at night, and I'm not feeling very articulate. To put it in the shortest way possible, I'll point out how this type of scenario often happens with mothers and the women their sons date.

All this is understandable---hell, it's expected---but I have to say that, if I am meeting a woman's parents, I really do not want to be treated like a potential rapist, beater, or whatnot. I won't mind answering questions about who I am, what I do, where I'm going in life, what I like to do---the usual go around.

That's really all I have to say. I will say more if someone responds with something intelligent to say.

 

[kis123]

You know, call it what you want ..."sexually protective", "overly protective", whatever, I have never met a daughter who had nothing but unconditional love for a father who was charged with these labels.....PARTICULARLY as the daughter gets older and and embraces parenting and adulthood themselves......actually, any hate and vitriol I have observed was reserved for fathers who were not around, or not particularly "protective" of their daughters interests, sexually or otherwise......daddy may be an annoyance to the daughter at times, but there's never any doubt where his heart and best intentions lie.....

And folks, if you're looking for 24/ 7 "reasoned rationality" when it comes to a fathers feelings about his daughter , I don't know if you will ever find that.....there's usually way too much "emotionality" involved when talking about the lady who will always be daddys "little girl".....may not always be rational, but it is what it is........

This was post #48 in this old and tired out thread and as far as I'm concerned, it could've ended here!

I've said this before and will repeat it until the end of my time; children want to know their parents CARE about them. They'll say they're being overbearing and overprotective, but as they GROW UP AND MATURE, they realize that the parents care about them and their future. They'll come to appreciate their parent's intervention as the best thing for them.

Daughters eventually become mothers (generally speaking) and futures are carried in their wombs. Someone should care about who they're carrying that future with. Should he be a man who can provide for his family or some bumb that's an overgrown adolescent who balks responsibility? Both types of men want a good woman in their lives. Both types of men want sex. Which type of man would you want your daughter with?

I only wish my father would've shown me he cared beyond his infamous "boys make babies" statement. Then again, he was a self-centered sociopath who couldn't care about anything past himself.

Children aren't "little adults", they are children and are very dependant upon their parents for guidance through their young lives. Being old enough to have sex doesn't make you smart enought to have it; actually some really stupid things have been done in the name of sex. You have to arm your kid with honest information and hope they're smart enough to use it. If not, she might make you a very young grandparent and virtually ruin her life.

I hope this forum will still be here 20 years from now; many of you who don't have kids yet will have them by then. I'm curious to see just how you'll handle things.