why lees have problems getting a ler?

[saratk]

I think it's pretty obvious why a ler would have a problem finding a lee...Finding someone who isn't "into" tickling and is willing to be subjected to being tickled is a lot to ask of someone...However I see a lot of lees saying that their partner pretty much refuse to tickle them...that I don't really understand. What's up with that? Why do they have a problem? To me it seems like tickling someone is fun for all...and it's much easier to be on the giving end of pretty much anything..Any insights?

 

[magic fingers]

I'm in the unique position of being a male lee. I'm also a ler, but my lee side is tickle starved because so many women I've dated simply aren't into tickling. After I get to know a girl for awhile I might try tickling her, and either she hates it, or she'll laugh, but NEVER tickle back. It's like they can't take a hint like "hey maybe this guy wants to be tickled"
I've come to the conclusion that probably 75-80% of the ticklefiles out there are men. I think I've known maybe 4 female 'lers in the last 30 years.

 

[FootballGuy]

Yep. It's math. There are more men than women with this fetish so it's harder for men to find a partner who's into it.

 

[laughingisgood]

makes those girls who are into it quite a catch huh 😛

 

[helplessandhappy]

I am a woman. I am attractive, fit and fun. Men have been telling me I'm beautiful and sexy my whole life. Yet, I've always struggled getting them to tickle me.

My experience with my first boyfriend messed me up pretty bad. I was insecure about my fetish so I wrote him a letter explaining it. I was too shy to explain out loud. We talked about the letter and he said something like "I hate being tickled, but I will tickle you for sure!" And then....nothing. I literally got tickled maybe 3-4 times over the next couple years of our relationship, and it lasted maybe 5 seconds each time. No fetish play, even though I had specified the sort of bondage + tickling that turned me on in the letter. Not even any sort of fun, playful tickling as foreplay. NOTHING. When I tried to start tickle fights with him he would either get annoyed or just laugh for a second and then stop me--never tickle me back. WTF.

(For the record, I never asked to tickle him in my letter, I said the fetish was for him to do it to me)

His complete lack of interest in what I had expressed was my greatest turn on baffled and hurt me, but because I was so insecure and young at the time, I didn't have the guts to ask him about it. All I could think was there must be something disgusting about it (and me) if he wouldn't want to do it to me.

I eventually tried again with my most recent ex. It took a long time trying to explain it to him to finally get him to (sort of) do what I was wanting. I had some fun and sexy experiences with him and I'm glad I went for it, but sadly, he was a dick to me in other ways and I had to leave him.

All of these experiences left me pretty bummed, to be honest. I really don't understand why this is such a difficult thing for people to understand or do. If I'm so "beautiful" and "sexy" why wouldn't these guys want to turn me on and give me orgasms? Like the OP says, I would think tickling me would be funny and enjoyable for just about anyone, even if it wasn't their particular turn on. I DON'T GET IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[ClickChix]

I think most people just suppress their ticklish and tickling sides. From a young age many children are tickled by their siblings, parents, friends etc.
for some of us....like myself it made me love tickling and I became obsessed with it hahahaha I prefer being the ler because I like tickle revenge hahaha but sometimes I will be the lee if my mate wishes or I feel like it.
But, for others it triggers something in their brain to make them see tickling as "unpleasant". I honestly think if you can warm the right person up to it,their suppression of it will go away and they will see how wonderful it is.
There really should be tickle therapy!

 

[L_o_s_e_r]

"probably 75-80% of the ticklefiles out there are men"

I notice just as many women who like to tickle as as I do male ticklers. As to why you don't see as many girls participating here as you do guys, well, men do try too hard, don't they?

"I am a woman. I am attractive, fit and fun. Men have been telling me I'm beautiful and sexy my whole life. Yet, I've always struggled getting them to tickle me."

Place a personal ad here. Tons of guys will offer to tickle you but, trust me, you would not want to talk to 95 to 99% of them, much less allow them to touch you if you're a beautiful, sexy girl.

File both complaints under the madness of male-female interaction. Finding a lover who also loves tickling is like trying to win the millionaire lottery twice. It happens, but not often.

 

[rhiannon]

I see why it's a problem. I'm myself not interested in tickling anybody, it's just not my thing. And even if the unwilling partner does it to do the lee a favor - it is never the same than with someone who is into it!

 

[helplessandhappy]

Place a personal ad here. Tons of guys will offer to tickle you but, trust me, you would not want to talk to 95 to 99% of them, much less allow them to touch you if you're a beautiful, sexy girl.

It's hard with forums like this because a lot of people are looking for casual encounters and I'm only interested in a real, committed relationship with someone who will tickle the living fuck out of me (and vice versa) on a daily basis. Casual stuff has no appeal, as this is a very deep romantic and intimate fantasy for me. I'm in my early thirties and ready to find a husband (never been married), and the fetish thing isn't enough, obviously we'd have to be compatible in all the other important ways as well.

I realize having such specific wants makes it harder, but I refuse to settle for less. I have a lot to offer a guy and only the one who deserves me will get me.

 

[L_o_s_e_r]

"I'm only interested in a real, committed relationship with someone who will tickle the living fuck out of me (and vice versa) on a daily basis. Casual stuff has no appeal, as this is a very deep romantic and intimate fantasy for me."

I regret opportunities I let pass because, at the time, I felt the way you feel. Of course, that does not mean you will be more open to casual encounters by time you're my age. I imagine there are at least some people who were patient enough to find what they wanted in a lover/spouse and it worked out for them.

"I realize having such specific wants makes it harder, but I refuse to settle for less. I have a lot to offer a guy and only the one who deserves me will get me."

You could win the millionaire lottery, even twice. It's not likely, but not impossible.

 

[tickletherapist]

Strange, but it's true.
First of all, it was a surprise to find out that most people don't know how to tickle right. Interesting, that in childhood we meet these ticklers so often. Then we grow up - and we can't even find people who would like to give tickle therapy in our spa centre even for money. It's so rare. Of course a person should be into it to do it right.

 

[helplessandhappy]

I regret opportunities I let pass because, at the time, I felt the way you feel. Of course, that does not mean you will be more open to casual encounters by time you're my age. I imagine there are at least some people who were patient enough to find what they wanted in a lover/spouse and it worked out for them.

Trust me, I had more than enough casual encounters for one lifetime. I wasn't born with these morals. They formed after a hell of a lot of rough experiences. I'd rather live the rest of my life without human contact than make the mistake of letting the wrong person touch me again.

However, I don't judge anyone who wants casual encounters. I admire those who can practice "free love" and go home happy at the end of the night, but in my experience, it can lead a person down a dark road.

 

[L_o_s_e_r]

"I had more than enough casual encounters for one lifetime."

We've had reverse journeys. You are buying your lottery tickets because the sure things of the past disappointed you, I see. No one but you has had your experiences.

 

[FootballGuy]

I am a woman. I am attractive, fit and fun. Men have been telling me I'm beautiful and sexy my whole life. Yet, I've always struggled getting them to tickle me.

My experience with my first boyfriend messed me up pretty bad. I was insecure about my fetish so I wrote him a letter explaining it. I was too shy to explain out loud. We talked about the letter and he said something like "I hate being tickled, but I will tickle you for sure!" And then....nothing. I literally got tickled maybe 3-4 times over the next couple years of our relationship, and it lasted maybe 5 seconds each time. No fetish play, even though I had specified the sort of bondage + tickling that turned me on in the letter. Not even any sort of fun, playful tickling as foreplay. NOTHING. When I tried to start tickle fights with him he would either get annoyed or just laugh for a second and then stop me--never tickle me back. WTF.

(For the record, I never asked to tickle him in my letter, I said the fetish was for him to do it to me)

His complete lack of interest in what I had expressed was my greatest turn on baffled and hurt me, but because I was so insecure and young at the time, I didn't have the guts to ask him about it. All I could think was there must be something disgusting about it (and me) if he wouldn't want to do it to me.

I eventually tried again with my most recent ex. It took a long time trying to explain it to him to finally get him to (sort of) do what I was wanting. I had some fun and sexy experiences with him and I'm glad I went for it, but sadly, he was a dick to me in other ways and I had to leave him.

All of these experiences left me pretty bummed, to be honest. I really don't understand why this is such a difficult thing for people to understand or do. If I'm so "beautiful" and "sexy" why wouldn't these guys want to turn me on and give me orgasms? Like the OP says, I would think tickling me would be funny and enjoyable for just about anyone, even if it wasn't their particular turn on. I DON'T GET IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow that is bizarre on so many levels.

If any girl I was with said ________ turns me on, I'd be doing _______ every chance I got. Doesn't matter what it was but especially something as simple as "tickling the living fuck out" of her. (nicely put btw)

 

[knicks255]

I'm not a lee, personally, but yeah, there's a huge amount of people who are predominately 'lers, but a decent amount of them are...not really super trustworthy. Like, if you're going to do something that you consider intimate or close, especially if you use bondage type stuff, are you going to want to do it with "MAKEUMYSLAVE", "TickleU2DEATH" or "FootFucker69"?

(I don't know if there are really people with those names. My apologies if there are 😛 )

 

[itsjustaride]

I'm amazed that there are so many women who can't find guys willing to tickle them! That's nuts! I am with FootballGuy, if I knew my girlfriend had a specific turn-on, especially something as simple as getting tickled by me, I'd be all over that! Even if it wasn't a fetish I shared. Guys can be so selfish sometimes! Like every woman in the world wants to suck her man's dick but most of them do because it will bring her man pleasure. A guy has an obligation to follow suit!

 

[magic fingers]

I'm not a lee, personally, but yeah, there's a huge amount of people who are predominately 'lers, but a decent amount of them are...not really super trustworthy. Like, if you're going to do something that you consider intimate or close, especially if you use bondage type stuff, are you going to want to do it with "MAKEUMYSLAVE", "TickleU2DEATH" or "FootFucker69"?

(I don't know if there are really people with those names. My apologies if there are 😛 )

Yes unfortunately women need to be extra careful because there are a lot of sleazy scummy guys out there

 

[helplessandhappy]

One problem is that so many women hate it and most vanilla guys have long-since learned that it can easily piss a woman off, make her cry, etc. It makes sense that it would be this way because any of my girlfriends I've ever told about my fetish say it's mind blowing to them. They are always like "My God, how the fuck can you STAND being tickled? How could that be a turn on? It's the worst feeling ever!" I've even had a friend who claimed being tickled sends her into a full-blown panic attack. (sucks for her 🙁 )Imagine if that happened to you as a vanilla guy... you'd probably be scared to ever tickle someone again.

You would think explaining that you like it would remedy this, but I think it's something that still makes a lot of guys nervous. They don't want to piss us off or upset us, and maybe they are afraid of making a wrong move or going too far with it.

 

[piyr]

I'm like FootballGuy and itsjustaride. If she's into it, then I'm into it simply because I like giving her what she wants.

I really like this question, in fact I asked something sort of similar here a few weeks ago. Of the couple people that replied, they basically said because "that they just aren't into it". I do get that and don't judge them for not being able to get into being a Ler even if it's not their fetish. Everyone has limits, both physical and mental. There are some things that I probably can't bring myself to do and for some people being a Ler is one of those things. However, "I don't want to" or " it really isn't my thing" isn't an answer to why you can't give your partner an experience that they desire. There's something deeper going on that is worth exploring. I'm not saying that you have to ever "want to". I'm just saying there's a deeper reason. One person responded that it turns them off to see their partner as a Lee. That's a good reason in my opinion. Hey, our sexualities are a varied mess of psycho soup!

That said, I'm sort of surprised that you're having such a hard time finding a guy to tickle you but not being a woman with a tickle fetish I guess I don't really know what it's like. I wish you the best of luck!

 

[FootballGuy]

One problem is that so many women hate it and most vanilla guys have long-since learned that it can easily piss a woman off, make her cry, etc. It makes sense that it would be this way because any of my girlfriends I've ever told about my fetish say it's mind blowing to them. They are always like "My God, how the fuck can you STAND being tickled? How could that be a turn on? It's the worst feeling ever!" I've even had a friend who claimed being tickled sends her into a full-blown panic attack. (sucks for her 🙁 )Imagine if that happened to you as a vanilla guy... you'd probably be scared to ever tickle someone again.

You would think explaining that you like it would remedy this, but I think it's something that still makes a lot of guys nervous. They don't want to piss us off or upset us, and maybe they are afraid of making a wrong move or going too far with it.

Well said.

I'm sorry to hear you haven't had any luck. You will find a guy on this forum or in this community though. There are so many of us looking for EXACTLY what you describe. You just have to separate the creepers from the good ones 🙂

I'm amazed that there are so many women who can't find guys willing to tickle them! That's nuts! I am with FootballGuy, if I knew my girlfriend had a specific turn-on, especially something as simple as getting tickled by me, I'd be all over that! Even if it wasn't a fetish I shared. Guys can be so selfish sometimes! Like every woman in the world wants to suck her man's dick but most of them do because it will bring her man pleasure. A guy has an obligation to follow suit!

Amen brother!

 

[Myriads]

One of the factors at play in this situation is cultural conditioning. I see a lot of it in the S&M side of things.

A lot of males in our culture have been raised with an iron clad rule: Never hurt a woman, never make her distressed, do no harm. It's a good message, and one that has a lot of value, and for the most part it's a positive cultural message to be sending.

But it does have some side effects. There is a measurable percentage of men who are simply unable to inflict pain, even when it's clearly shown as desired on their partners. They can't spank, pinch, whip, etc. It's not in the wheelhouse. It makes them feel bad and ill. When one of these folks is matched to a woman with some masochistic desires, its a problem.

Tickling falls into this. It's inflicting distress. Some guys can't get past that cultural "No".

Myriads

 

[GQguy]

One of the factors at play in this situation is cultural conditioning. I see a lot of it in the S&M side of things.

A lot of males in our culture have been raised with an iron clad rule: Never hurt a woman, never make her distressed, do no harm. It's a good message, and one that has a lot of value, and for the most part it's a positive cultural message to be sending.

But it does have some side effects. There is a measurable percentage of men who are simply unable to inflict pain, even when it's clearly shown as desired on their partners. They can't spank, pinch, whip, etc. It's not in the wheelhouse. It makes them feel bad and ill. When one of these folks is matched to a woman with some masochistic desires, its a problem.

Tickling falls into this. It's inflicting distress. Some guys can't get past that cultural "No".

Myriads

Agreed. I'll take it one step further with a theory. My desire for S&M manifested itself in a tickle fetish at a time when sexuality was against the rules and not normal. Tickling became a way for me to get my S&M kicks without feeling the guilt/shame described above. It has just stuck now.

I remember the first time I connected two and two together. I had an ex that loved to be spanked. Gorgeous skinny girl being spanked by big ol me! I didn't like it. But I had no problem tickling her! It wasn't until later that I realized that they were both on the same spectrum. I would dare even say that tickling is a bit more sadistic....you can block out pain, but tickling is a whole other world of frenzy.

Great analysis Myriads.

 

[L_o_s_e_r]

"One problem is that so many women hate it and most vanilla guys have long-since learned that it can easily piss a woman off . . . They don't want to piss us off or upset us, and maybe they are afraid of making a wrong move or going too far with it."

Beautiful, sexy women like you are turned off by nice guys, the poor fools who think the way to your heart is to be nice but don't realize they're too-availability bores you. Women like challenge but beautiful, sexy women need challenge, and that is your problem: Guys who attract and keep your attention know the secret is not to be so freaking eager to please. That would be my guess as to why a guy would not satisfy your desire to be tied and tickled, probably on a subconscious level. To give you what you want ends the challenge he presents and he loses your respect, and could even lose you.

 

[helplessandhappy]

I am not "turned off" by nice guys. I think a lot of guys assume things like that about women when something else is actually going on.

It's true that a lot of women don't choose the nice guys, but the reason isn't boredom, it's low self-esteem. It might masquerade itself as boredom in some cases, but I believe it's low self-esteem the majority of the time. Some guys are boring, yes. And sometimes, those guys might be "nice," but there are also plenty of nice, fun guys who will treat a woman right. Women like me haven't yet found those guys because we don't believe we deserve them.

I am getting past it now, but it took me 30 years to even begin developing any sort of belief that I deserved to be loved. When a woman has a deeply ingrained believe that she is worthless, she will always attract assholes or even abusers.... I struggled with that for a long, long time. One abusive, jerk-off guy after another.... And I hated every second of it. Nice guys don't bore me. I've wanted that sweet, romantic, wonderful guy my whole life--But how could I have possibly attracted him when I spent years believing I was lower than the shit on someone's shoe?

It's taken a lot to start developing self-esteem. I am not going to share my entire dark past here, but let's just say there are plenty of reasons that I ended up in such a low place. It took years to realize that most of them are not my fault. It took years to be able to look myself in the mirror and honestly say "You deserve love." Because I can finally do that now, I believe it's only a matter of time until I find that awesome and sweet man I can fully give my love to, and who will fully love me in return.

So, you're right about the situation, but wrong about the reasons for it. Nice guys don't finish last because they are boring--they finish last because we live in a society filled with women who were never taught that they deserved love.

 

[ticklesndimes]

I'm getting tired of hearing the whole "nice guys finish last" and " women don't like nice guys" issue when that isn't the case,there is usually much more to the situation than a guy being too "nice" like the low self esteem helplessandhappy mentioned (that can lie within the guy or the girl), and many other reasons.

I feel that some people just begin to over think it when you tell them it's a fetish instead of going with the flow. Also it IS a fetish and to some degree causes arousal, not everyone is into tickling like that, same with other forms of bdsm. But yeah it's not always easy to get a guy to tickle for more than like 2 seconds which is eh not too bueno.