angry and confused......why the hell does this keep happening to me?

[jkb]

OK, I don't usually post stuff like this here but I'm so damn confused and frustrated that I just got to vent. I don't have much experience dating, but I feel like I'm the only person in the world who not only has this problem, but has it happen on such a consistent basis that I just readily assume it's going to happen. This comes with a bit of a story, and I'd rather give the full story so you can all be as confused as I am.

So I'm at a Christmas party for my job a few days ago where I see this INCREDIBLY beautiful girl dancing (perfect face, perfect body, perfect moves, out of your league and mine a thousand times over). Somehow, I actually muster up the courage to go talk to her. I take the age-old advice of "Just be yourself" and immediately throw it out the window; instead I act cool and confident, dancing surprisingly well and saying things that I normally thought you'd need Hollywood writers to say. And when I say I'm doing awesome, I mean it; even her friends thought I was awesome. So we're dancing, and out of the blue she tells me to friend her on Facebook. Mind you, I didn't ask her for her number only for her to shoot it down and then offer her Facebook friendship to soothe her guilty conscience; it wasn't me who asked if I could friend her on Facebook with her reluctantly conceding. She asked me to friend her on Facebook, gave me her name and how to find her and everything. Literally, just out of nowhere she asked me (which had been quite relieving, considering that as always I was having serious doubts until that point about how desperate she was to get away from me. Apparently, not at all).

So I'm stoked and on Cloud 9 when I get home and send the friend request. She accepts my request the next day, and I see her profile has her AIM screenname right on it (her profile is private and only available to friends, and she asked me to friend her and she left her SN where she knew I'd be able to see it. Things are looking VERY good for me). I send her a poke (why not?) along with a message, saying I had a good time at the party and jokingly tell her she's a pretty good dancer since she was able to keep up with my dance moves (I had lampshaded the fact that I didn't dance that often when we were at the party, but didn't say anything in regards to the fact that I suck at dancing and hate it immensely). I waited another day before I IMed her (didn't want to bombard her all at once and come off as obsessive), saying hi and telling her it was JKB from the Christmas party (except I used my actual name).

I'm still waiting for a response from her of any type.

This is what's so frustrating and confusing. It's bad enough that I have a hard enough time getting a girl's attention in the first place, but it really bothers me when I get the girl's number or whatever and she never responds. I have a number of instances where this sort of thing happens, but this is just the most frustrating (since she just up and asked me to Facebook her) and the most demoralizing. It's so damn confusing because it happens all the freakin' time and I can't figure out what's going on over on her end, if she's unable to respond or if she's ignoring me or what. It makes me think that there's something wrong with me and that she's turned off and trying to ignore me, but then I wonder why she even volunteered her information to me in the first place? I hadn't even asked for it (though, mind you, I would have later). She's literally online right now and I sent her a message about an hour and a half ago (I don't want to keep IMing her since I don't want her to freak out and get scared off thinking I'm obsessive and creepy) and she never replied at all, though it is 3 AM as of this writing.

I think I just needed to vent because I'm so angry over this sort of thing, but I was just curious if anyone else has this sort of thing happen to them or if anybody knows what I'm doing wrong?

 

[rhiannon]

Personally I think if she really wanted to be in contact with you she would have given you her number and not the Facebook information! Everything that comes over the internet can be ignored very easily.

And seriously, THIS:

jokingly tell her she's a pretty good dancer since she was able to keep up with my dance moves

is not funny! It's a total no go. Rolling eyes guaranteed!

 

[Usually`Bubble]

Maybe it's not something wrong with you, but something wrong with her. She accepted your friend request. She knows you're there. I'm almost 100% sure she has gotten your messages and no matter how many times you contact her, she won't contact you back unless SHE chooses to.

I hate to sound harsh but if you've done all you say you have and she still hasn't responded either she's playing hard to get, or she's just not interested. In my opinion she doesn't seem interested. I haven't had this happen to me, but I've seen it happen a billion times over. If I got a tickle for the number of times I've been out with friends and they've hit it off with a guy, gotten their number and not called back I would be in tickle heaven. Whether it's because they were too drunk to realise what they were doing, whether the guy was their 'fun' for the night, or whether they've just plain changed their mind about the guy after reading about interests, looking at photos etc.

Not supporting their actions or saying it's nice, but it happens. Why waste your time waiting for her? I don't think you're doing anything wrong. Just do what you do, and you'll find a girl who will appreciate you for who you are.

Just adding, I don't think there's anything wrong with the joke. Sure it's lame but guys crack lame jokes all the time... Sometimes it's just part of their charm.

 

[LD_Tickler]

is not funny! It's a total no go. Rolling eyes guaranteed!

Shenanigans on this claim. That kind of inane, playful chit-chat is totally part of the process.

This was only a few days ago yes? Maybe she's just taking her time before responding and playing it cool. Or maybe she saw something on your facebook profile she didn't like.

 

[rhiannon]

Maybe she's just taking her time before responding and playing it cool.

Nobody waits to reply to an IM a few days. Unless she just appears to be online and isn't. I stick to what I said first: if she wanted contact, she would have given out her phone-number, not Facebook-info!

 

[areenactor]

could be something simple

like she's out of town, and not able to use a computer.
i think these days young ladies are using the internet as a buffer. my own kids have told me this.
the part where you say this keeps happening does give me pause. so, in that light it makes me want to join one of two schools of thought. first; you keep going, or are attracted to the same type girl, and the results are the same, but you haven't learned yet. second; you're creeping them out somehow. i'm not trying to be offensive here. maybe your approach is such that they give you facebook to hide behind?
aother point; you met her at an office/work party. have you seen her at work before or since this time? does she work there?

steve

 

[Knox The Hatter]

first; you keep going, or are attracted to the same type girl, and the results are the same, but you haven't learned yet. second; you're creeping them out somehow. i'm not trying to be offensive here. maybe your approach is such that they give you facebook to hide behind?
aother point; you met her at an office/work party. have you seen her at work before or since this time? does she work there?

steve

Good points, Steve

You know, your whole attitude is basically defeatist. I don't mean to be perjorative in any way, I'm not trolling (I've been here a long time, my MO is well known to all), or picking a fight, and please don't take it personally. But, you went into this with the attitude of a loser. You found someone who's just meeting people, and is collecting friends for her FB account. Many people do that, they just want to see how many people they can collect, if only so they could be ahead of her school chum/neighbor across the street. She danced with you, that's nice...next!

Do you REALLY like this girl? Well, let me tell you. You got an in. It's up to you. You have to search your heart, and find a way to get her attention for more than five frickin' minutes, which is the base attention span of young folks nowadays. You have to believe in yourself. You have to believe that you're worthy, because if you don't, then you're NOT! Are you?

Do you know what Carpe Diem means? It's Latin. It means, Seize The Day (I know, I know, Robin Williams, blah blah blah). You have to believe that you can win this girl over. When you do, and you convey that, that's three quarters of the battle. Odds are, when she sees that, she will latch on to that. And, you move on to the next square. You have the tools, whether you currently believe this, or not.

Or, you can just give up. And, continue to post threads like this.

 

[maniactickler]

Never try to figure women out. youll drive yourself nuts!

 

[Jagermeistered]

Maniac is correct in the summation.
If she was interested, or more importantly you were interested. Stay Your course - Be yourself, and get the number. And, if she wants too "cyber" contact you - Relax the junk... Love or lust at first site is not worth the hassle.

 

[kis123]

Never try to figure women out. youll drive yourself nuts!

Trust me, we feel exactly the same about men.

In response to the OP; I'm 50/50 with rhiannon on this one. Always ask for the number if you're interested; I've never been a fan of facebook cause it's a non intimate form of communication.

My other 50% is that even bad jokes can be funny when breaking the ice; I didn't read into it any deeper than that.

Since you can't un-ring the bell, why don't you call her out for a date on facebook? I know someone who did that and after three months they're having the time of their lives.

And as many on this thread have been saying, you must lose the defeatist attitude. Women can't stand a man who has no self confidence; we have enough of that amongst our own gender as it is.

 

[venray]

I can accept friend requests from my cell phone, but never post from there.....so maybe she just hasnt logged in to respond...give it a couple of days and relax...if it is meant to be she will contact you...

 

[Sandrock74]

How many "friends" a woman has on facebook is nothing more than a glorified popularity contest. In all honesty, of any women I know (legit friends, co-workers, relatives, etc.) on facebook, there is only 1 I know that has under 100 "friends". Most have in excess of 200!

Being added as a woman's facebook friend means absolutely nothing, unless you are already a legit/realworld friend. You should have just went for the phone number....worst she could have said was "no".

 

[rhiannon]

Being added as a woman's facebook friend means absolutely nothing

In my case it means I know somebody personally. That's about it.

 

[mabus]

Do you know how many messages I send out get ignored by my friends on facebook?
About 60 to 70%.

I only care about the 30% who bother to respond.

It's like I told turtleboy, about his recent disappointment about amodel flaking out - Don't worry about the one who got away, who probably wasn't all that. Be appreciative of the 10 who DID show up and give their all.

Just because she's hot doesn't mean she's a keeper. Maybe she'll turn out to be a horrible person, and you'll regret that facebook add years from now. Maybe not.

Just get rejected a whole lot more, and things like this won't bother you as much.

And as many here have said, she may just not be at her computer. Some people live on facebook, some check it once every year.

 

[Dave Pavet]

You are intellectualizing too much over this dating bullshit and it doesn't get any better, because when you marry them, it's still a confusing clusterfuck. Just be casual when you approach women, don't put pressure on yourself or THEM. Take it a date at a time, don't get too over confident or too down on yourself.

 

[GQguy]

There is nothing wrong with you buddy. It happens to me too! But at a FAR lower rate now. There is a percentage of inherent uncertainty when it comes to dating beautiful women:

I agree with the ladies. Facebook usually hurts. I wonder what your facebook looks like. Does it have pictures of you doing fun and cool interesting things. Does it show you in good company of men and female. In other words does your profile paint an attractive picture of you? By not getting her number and getting her facebook your facebook now speaks for you. I've gotten numbers from women check out her facebook and realized "wow, I’m not attracted to her" or "wow, she smokes" or "wow, she isn't my style" and kept it at that. VERY attractive women have TONS of options and are able to disqualify a guy very quickly based on VERY trivial things. Even the type of shoes a guy wears can be enough to turn her off. Now of course it's not the shoes...but what she assumes about your life style and ambitions based on your shoes.

So she gave you the facebook. Awesome! Was there chemistry? Maybe...maybe not. You'll have to gauge. If there was you should have not only gotten her number, but asked her out right then! Sounds needy? Nope. I've done it a million times and this works best. "I'm going hiking tomorrow, want to come?" "I need to pick up some new shoes, help me out and I’ll grab lunch" " I want to see Tron Legacy tomorrow, keep me company". Then get her number. If the group thinks you're fun then ask them out as a group. "Are you guys going out tomorrow? I know this great restaurant/bar that's awesome. I have some cool friends you could meet" If you're as awesome as you said they thought you were they'd be up to meet your friends too. Find a cool spot that is fun and cool...and a bit edgy. Sushi is always a good choice! Lead the way and plan the evening and you'll be the guy that stands out in front of your friends. And the girl that you like will be able to get to know you enough to get that first date.

Lastly. Relax. Beautiful women get approached by guys all the time. There's usually a love interest around at any given time. Finding a beautiful totally unattached girl is rare. Hell, i'm not a hot girl but i've always got at least one girl that's up to hang out. With that in mind it is up to you to out class the guy that she's already dating/has his foot in the door.

Do not obsess. She accepted your request. You sent her a poke and you sent her an aim. She got them all....I assure you. You guys live in the same town.....what's the rush? There have been women whose numbers I’ve gotten and even got a kiss from that have blown me off. No biggie. A year later they're hitting me up to see how i'm doing. Don't focus on one woman till she gives you a reason to. For now you're grasping at straws. Being a facebook friend doesn't mean much...I’m sure she's friends with her coworkers on facebook. Her number doesn't mean much either. None of her actions matter till she starts investing in you. i.e. asking you out, making you dinner you know...trying to keep you.

In closing:
Have an attractive Facebook with photos of you doing cool things.

Ask her out and get the number. Be the guy with a plan. No dinner unless you can tell she's ready. Keep it chill. Lunch, activity, ice cream! ect. I find that we can start with lunch and end up hanging out all night. Drinks at 8pm. Wine bar at 8pm. That way you guys can part and chill with friends if it's not there. LOW COMMITMENT is the key. If your short first date idea has some culture infused....you get bonus points. Museum, art show....ect. But don't over do it....the date should be you inviting her into your world. I eat alot of foreign foods so I love bringing dates to places where they know my name. A preview of what's to come.

Hot women are busy. Find more hot women in the mean time. One will stick eventually. It's a numbers game! Some guys are forced to commit to the first girl that comes along....while some guys date alot to find the perfect one...which one are you?

Relax and be cool. Be your best self.

GQ

experience: 99 problems but a 3itch ain't one.
Been there done that.

 

[jkb]

Thanks for all the replies and advice everybody. To answer some of your questions:

1) Trust me, I checked my defeatist attitude at the door. She did not see ANY of it at all. I only bring it up with a couple of close friends anyway. You know, self-deprecating humor and not anything real serious like that. I don't approach women like Rick Moranis in Ghostbusters, trust me.

2) Do I REALLY like this girl? Depends on what you mean. Yes, I really am into her and would like to date her and get to know her better. No, I'm not in love with her or anything like that. I've only met her once. To answer a related question, she works at my job but at a different branch. I've never seen her before the party. To use that to lead into ANOTHER related question, the party was on Wednesday, I messaged her on Thursday, and it's currently Sunday.

3) I actually DID ask her for her number........AFTER she volunteered me her Facebook friendship. I didn't get it though. The exchange was pretty cool though. I had asked her what she would say if I asked for her number (since I've never been able to make the words "Can I have your number" sound anything but anxious and pathetic), and was rejected there. I said that it was OK because I wasn't really asking and that she'd have to work for me to ask for her number, and she said that it was OK because I'd have to work to get her number. As retarded as it sounds on cyber-paper, you had to be there to hear it in real life.

 

[socktickler86]

3) I actually DID ask her for her number........AFTER she volunteered me her Facebook friendship. I didn't get it though. The exchange was pretty cool though. I had asked her what she would say if I asked for her number (since I've never been able to make the words "Can I have your number" sound anything but anxious and pathetic), and was rejected there. I said that it was OK because I wasn't really asking and that she'd have to work for me to ask for her number, and she said that it was OK because I'd have to work to get her number. As retarded as it sounds on cyber-paper, you had to be there to hear it in real life.

Sounds like you're +1 on her facebook friends count, that's it. Done.

 

[GQguy]

Thanks for all the replies and advice everybody. To answer some of your questions:

1) Trust me, I checked my defeatist attitude at the door. She did not see ANY of it at all. I only bring it up with a couple of close friends anyway. You know, self-deprecating humor and not anything real serious like that. I don't approach women like Rick Moranis in Ghostbusters, trust me.

2) Do I REALLY like this girl? Depends on what you mean. Yes, I really am into her and would like to date her and get to know her better. No, I'm not in love with her or anything like that. I've only met her once. To answer a related question, she works at my job but at a different branch. I've never seen her before the party. To use that to lead into ANOTHER related question, the party was on Wednesday, I messaged her on Thursday, and it's currently Sunday.

3) I actually DID ask her for her number........AFTER she volunteered me her Facebook friendship. I didn't get it though. The exchange was pretty cool though. I had asked her what she would say if I asked for her number (since I've never been able to make the words "Can I have your number" sound anything but anxious and pathetic), and was rejected there. I said that it was OK because I wasn't really asking and that she'd have to work for me to ask for her number, and she said that it was OK because I'd have to work to get her number. As retarded as it sounds on cyber-paper, you had to be there to hear it in real life.

Here's a revolutionary concept. Who cares if you like the girl? It doesn't matter how much you like the girl. The only thing that matters at this point is if she likes you. You liking her is a given...but sadly the amount of "like" that you have for her has little bearing on how much she likes you...at this stage.

Self deprecating humor. The wit of the "nice guy". It's VERY attractive for a man that has a ton of respect already. i.e. A MD doctor calling himself dumb. An attractive man saying he has no friends. A military pilot saying he's boring ect. When the average guy calls himself boring as a joke....people tend to take him seriously. When the guys above say it....it's funny...and modest. Very sexy.


I never ask a girl for her number. You're right it does sound weird. Even if a buddy of mine said "GQ, can I have your number?" it sounds odd. Get her number the same way you 'd ask for a buddy's number..."hey, what's your number" and break out your phone. But....the number should be gotten after you've asked her out. Otherwise...what's the point in having her number? If she shoots you down on hanging out...then obviously getting her number has no point. Talk to the cuter girl across the room instead! I assure you...she's already noticed you talking to the other girl and is slightly intrigued that you're having with those girls and not her.

Men lead. Remember this. Don't beat around the bush. It's no secret that you want to see this girl again...she knows it! You're not fooling her. She is grading you on how comfortable you are with yourself though. She'll take this and know if you're worth dating or just another guy that gets flustered by a thin waist, perky lips and ample cleavage.

I know we guys get caught up worried about what to say to a pretty girl. The reality is it doesn't matter as long as it's not TOTALLY stupid. As in quotable. i.e. "He said his mom doesn't use the van on saturdays so I should make that night available to him!" lol. But rather how you say it. Are you comfortable. Are you making good eye contact? Are you fidgeting. Are you speaking too fast. Are you standing up straight. Are you smiling. Are you having fun. Are you missing social cues. ect ect. With that said your banter about the number was cute, and if done confidently very cool. Sounds as though you did alot of things right! Even her friends dig you.

It's sort of funny. Pretty girls have TONS of experience flirting and dealing with the opposite sex. We guys typically do not. She turns 15 and boom, guys hit on her left and right just about everyday. While for us going across the room to talk to a pretty girl is enough to make us break out in hives. Knowing this disparity in experience....and understanding that women are rarely hit on by guys with alot of social intelligence puts you at an extreme advantage as you're nolonger just part of the pack....but the cool guy she met the other night.

GQ

 

[maniactickler]

Trust me, we feel exactly the same about men.

In response to the OP; I'm 50/50 with rhiannon on this one. Always ask for the number if you're interested; I've never been a fan of facebook cause it's a non intimate form of communication.

My other 50% is that even bad jokes can be funny when breaking the ice; I didn't read into it any deeper than that.

Since you can't un-ring the bell, why don't you call her out for a date on facebook? I know someone who did that and after three months they're having the time of their lives.

And as many on this thread have been saying, you must lose the defeatist attitude. Women can't stand a man who has no self confidence; we have enough of that amongst our own gender as it is.

Puleeease! men are much more simple creatures. we are not a complex puzzle like women.

 

[kis123]

Puleeease! men are much more simple creatures. we are not a complex puzzle like women.

Don't even get me started.........

Men are more simple creatures when they get their way. When he's not getting his way, it's worse than dealing with five menopausal women. It gets even worse after 40 with the mid-life crisis and the male menopause issues.

It's not hard to please a woman (at least not this one); just be plugged in and turned on--the rest will work itself out. Learn to listen, not just how to figure out how to fix it. Sometimes a woman just wants the man to listen and if she wants a "fix it", she'll ask for it. This stuff isn't hard; it becomes difficult when the man doesn't want to do it (engaged and "plugged in" where his partner is concerned). Then comes the nagging, arguing, and all the other stuff about women you hate.

 

[Jagermeistered]

Here's a revolutionary concept. Who cares if you like the girl? It doesn't matter how much you like the girl. The only thing that matters at this point is if she likes you. You liking her is a given...but sadly the amount of "like" that you have for her has little bearing on how much she likes you...at this stage.

Self deprecating humor. The wit of the "nice guy". It's VERY attractive for a man that has a ton of respect already. i.e. A MD doctor calling himself dumb. An attractive man saying he has no friends. A military pilot saying he's boring ect. When the average guy calls himself boring as a joke....people tend to take him seriously. When the guys above say it....it's funny...and modest. Very sexy.


I never ask a girl for her number. You're right it does sound weird. Even if a buddy of mine said "GQ, can I have your number?" it sounds odd. Get her number the same way you 'd ask for a buddy's number..."hey, what's your number" and break out your phone. But....the number should be gotten after you've asked her out. Otherwise...what's the point in having her number? If she shoots you down on hanging out...then obviously getting her number has no point. Talk to the cuter girl across the room instead! I assure you...she's already noticed you talking to the other girl and is slightly intrigued that you're having with those girls and not her.

Men lead. Remember this. Don't beat around the bush. It's no secret that you want to see this girl again...she knows it! You're not fooling her. She is grading you on how comfortable you are with yourself though. She'll take this and know if you're worth dating or just another guy that gets flustered by a thin waist, perky lips and ample cleavage.

I know we guys get caught up worried about what to say to a pretty girl. The reality is it doesn't matter as long as it's not TOTALLY stupid. As in quotable. i.e. "He said his mom doesn't use the van on saturdays so I should make that night available to him!" lol. But rather how you say it. Are you comfortable. Are you making good eye contact? Are you fidgeting. Are you speaking too fast. Are you standing up straight. Are you smiling. Are you having fun. Are you missing social cues. ect ect. With that said your banter about the number was cute, and if done confidently very cool. Sounds as though you did alot of things right! Even her friends dig you.

It's sort of funny. Pretty girls have TONS of experience flirting and dealing with the opposite sex. We guys typically do not. She turns 15 and boom, guys hit on her left and right just about everyday. While for us going across the room to talk to a pretty girl is enough to make us break out in hives. Knowing this disparity in experience....and understanding that women are rarely hit on by guys with alot of social intelligence puts you at an extreme advantage as you're nolonger just part of the pack....but the cool guy she met the other night.

GQ

Well said GQ! Pay attention to yourself first, and more importantly - have the Will to Power! Not over other people, but you and your environment. Be conscious and not self-conscious: liberated over secure/insecure! Enjoy the moment you are in, and don't flabbergast the hormones - save that for later!

 

[Jagermeistered]

This woefully under-qualified girl will weigh in as well

In my mind, there isn't really a formula for talking to the opposite sex. Anyone suggesting that is trying to sell you a formula that doesn't apply to everyone. You can make some generalizations, but in the end, it all comes down to chemistry and likability between the two of you. If you didn't make strong impression on her, she doesn't have/see an obligation to talk to you...you're just some guy she chatted with a little at a party.

In this case, you seem to be starting off with a girl who wants another admiring guy to give her an ego bump on Facebook, but won't take your number...yechh. Would you really want to be involved with someone like that? Obviously I didn't meet her, but she sounds a bit arrogant

And on the subject of dancing, I feel ya My coordination is as good as a giraffe with a broken foot...

EDIT - GQguy has some good advice in there, though I tend to disagree with the self-depricating humor; I always found it adorable Yet another way it depends on who you're talking for what they like.

Agree humor should always be honest, and not planned. True humor is as is, and not planned..

 

[TonyTheTongue]

Be a man! You're acting like a coward by dissembling prime opportunities with the internet, which is retarding you. Gotta do the dirty work of exposing yourself by talking to women... not typing to them.

 

[mabus]

This woefully under-qualified girl will weigh in as well

Woefully under-qualified?! How so?
You're very pretty eclipse...I can say that because I'm not looking for anybody! Don't disqualify yourself.

And CGguy....you are the essence of suave and cool.

When I'm ready to look for a girl again....when I'm, like, 72 and rich, I may have to heed some of your advice!
Actually, I think I'm too bitter to go looking again, and I certainly don't want to burden some poor girl with my bitterness.

There are plenty of fish in the sea, jkb. Don't get bitter like me.

Be yourself. Take in the advice of CGguy, eclipse, Dave, etc. etc. and have another go at it when you're ready. I've found there's a huge difference between having a girl who's hot, and having one YOU'RE attracted to.

I know a lot of attractive women, but in my bitter yet wiser state, I'd rather be with someone who is a lot of fun and has a great laugh than with a mega-hottie who isn't fun and has no chemistry. Always remember, no matter how hot she is, there will certainly be times when she is NOT hot. Many times through no fault of her own. She gets sick, depressed, goes through a rough time in life.

When you're in love, she'll still be smoking hot even when she's all frizzy and sneezing and a mess.