Damaged Goods.

I am...........damaged goods.

Words hurt, plain and simple. That old "sticks and stones" thing is crap. Why is it that we dwell so much on all the hurtful things that are said to us, that when people say nice things, it falls on deaf ears?

Issues. I have them. I know I have them, and yet I flit around, pretending to be okay. It's time to face the music and work on these, if I'm ever going to have a succsessful relationship, friendship or otherwise. This road is a rough one, I feel I have been hurt by so many, but all I have to blame is myself. THAT is the hardest part to face. My issues stem from my experiences in life. They began when I was a sophomore in high school. My very best friend began to pull away from me, and not want to hang around me anymore. When I asked why? She said I was whiny and clingy. Whether that was true or not, I don't know. All I know is that I experienced the worst pain and lonliness that school year. I had acquaintences, but she was my best friend. It also marked a turning point in my life. I was able to find a new group of friends. I was painfully shy as a child and a teen; going up and just talking to people wasn't something I was good at. It took alot for me to make those new friends........and what was better, they liked me because I was me. That year, I learned to love myself, because I was worth loving, even if someone else didn't think so.

Over the years, I've lost the ability to love myself, and it shows. When I think of myself now, I see a boxer on his last legs, face bruised and puffy, swaying left and right......but that little guy is STILL fighting at the thin air. I need to stop fighting and accept defeat. I've been running from my issues, like most people do. I don't even know what all of them are. I just know I'm damaged goods, and I cannot help anyone else until I help myself.

Love. Let's talk about that. I've loved many times. Me loving someone else is easy for me. I've even thought I've been in love. But when you don't love yourself, someone else can't love you the way you need to be loved. I've never really applied the Bible's version of Love to my life, but here goes.

That's an easy one. I'm not a patient person, as any of my friends can tell you. I want things NOWRIGHTNOW, and if I have to wait........things could get ugly.

I would like to consider myself a kind person, but I'm not sure if I fit that mold. I get angry when something/someone provokes me, sometimes the provocation is in my own head. Okay......maybe I'm not kind.

Wow. A big one. I am envious of what others have. I'm envious of other's perfect relationships, while my love life is in the toilet. I'm envious that some people can buy anything they want, while I have to save my pennies for years to get something I've been wanting. I kinda thing boasting is not my style......or maybe it is. When something good happens, I like to tell people about it. Would that be considered boasting?

I can be rude. I know this. I don't always think it's a part of my personality, but if I'm irritated, it definitely shows itself. Self-seeking.......that's kinda tough. I think my readiness to help people that I love is my way of doing that. Just so I can say, "I'M the one who turned him around". Whoa....is that sad or what?

I am an angry person. I don't mean to be, but I am. You know how certain things or people just know how to trigger things, and you just react? I am that person. I have road rage, that's a biggie. How does one get control of their emotions to be used constructively? When I get angry, it's hard to articulate the points I'm trying to make......even if they are good points. I do feel that it's okay to be angry, just be angry at the right things. What I'm really angry at is myself, for being inadequate.

Love keeps no record of wrongs​

Another big one. I have a list (figuratively) of all the wrongs that have been done to me by exes, by friends, by family. If I were to write them all down, that list would probably circle the earth about 100 times! Okay, I'm exaggerating a little, but at least 45 times. Letting things go is so hard for me. I want to hang on to all the things, so I can be bitter. That's no way to be. Damaged goods! Friends--help me to let this all go. I can't do this alone.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in good.​

There are people in the world who seek to tear you down, and want nothing better than to see you crying in the corner. They will say anything and everything to make you wanna just sit at home and never come out again. I am blessed to have a great group of friends who are constantly reminding me that, although I do have my faults, I am a beautiful, caring, person. They focus on those things about me, and not the negative. My negative personality traits are very apparent, but these dear friends choose not to focus on those. People who love me celebrate with me when something good happens in my life, and cry with me when something bad happens. People who love me appreciate what I do for them, even if it's small.

Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves​

I'm afraid none of these apply to me.

Love never fails​

Failure. I've failed myself, I've failed friends, I've failed my family. I've even failed former lovers because I couldn't give them what they wanted or needed. I couldn't help them, and that makes me sad.

Wow. Out of the 15 things, none of them is something I actually practice in my relationships. At least I know why my love life sucks.

What do people see in me? I don't know. Am I capable of real love? I think so. Do I deserve that same love from someone else........I'll get back to you on that one. For now, I'll just be content taking the baby steps to finding love for myself. Maybe all the other aspects of love will fall into place when I get rid of the mess in my life.

To my friends: I love you, please continue to pray for me. I need you more than ever.

To my lovers: I'm going to forgive and forget. I'm sorry I couldn't be the person you want me to be. I wish you every happiness in the world. I mean that.

Let's do this.

--T