Sexual Abuse...

Tough topic for discussion but one that has come up with some friends of mine recently....

I am sure there are many of us in this community who have had to deal with different levels of abuse at one time or another..

Maybe not first hand but perhaps we know of others who had a rough childhood or other times in their lives where things we normally hide or deny happened keep eating at us and we dont know where to turn...

So if anyone has anything to share please feel free to discuss...


Next week on The radio show Tuesday night we will be discussing this topic in length and two of our good friends here on the forum will be sharing some difficult things with us...

The following week we will continue and will have two more friends help us with the topic..

Hopefully the things shared will show others that there is a community of caring, loving people here who are there to help support our friends in times of need.....

If you wish to call into the shows feel free...If not, please come and listen....



Ray & Tracy

I have a few things I can share. Niether are THAT servere but still valid.

A girl I was with for about 2 years was working in a pub when I met her. About 2 mmonths into our relationship we were "at it" and suddenly she broke down in tears, needless to say i quickley became confused and very worried, after a long talk she revealed that the chef at the pub had been coming onto her vvery strongly, including physical contact.
For example he would sneak up behind her and lick her, grab things that he really shouldnt be grabbing as a "joke" and talking very dirty to her.
Its certainly not the worst someone can do in terms of abuse but was enuf to make her feel very uncomfortable and physically sick thinking about it. We never did anything about it, She got a new job and moved on. She didnt want to make it worse by reporting him or anything.
Horrible times


Another, This is abit different.
When I was very young my mum had a friend, lets call him gerald, he used to come round for visits and more often than not ended up play fighting with me and my brother. all abit of fun yes? certainly seemed that way. sometimes it felt more like he was coming to play with us rather than to see my mum.

Anyway, so 10 years or so down the line and a few years before now gerald gets arrested for possesing and funding child Pornography, What automatically goes thru my head?
I dont beleive I was abused, he never did anything "dodgy" but one cant help but feel VERY uncomfortable with the situation.

Thankfully, that is a close to any sort of sexual abuse ive had to deal with, and it still made me feel dirty and uncomfortable, I cant even begin to imagine how others who have had it worse may feel.


Hari

I may as well post this here since Ray already started a thread. I'll be one of those on air this coming Tuesday. I was abused on several levels throughout my childhood...physical, emotional and sexual. Then, as an adult, there was another incident. It left its mark and took a great deal of painful struggle to come to terms with things and move on with my life. Frankly, up until then, I didn't HAVE much of a life.

For my own part, healing has taken place. While there are still a few specific issues that I sometimes struggle with, I've pretty much put things in the background and moved on.

There are things that can affect those of us who are survivors that really need to be addressed, though. Why? Well, partly because (as in any community) there are bound to be people who trigger us in negative ways, intentionally or not. Some of those people may actually thrive on it. That, too is a kind of abuse and needs to be discouraged. It's important for people to realize the tremendous damage that can and often does result from something they may consider to be harmless.

Lest things become too negative, I mainly want to share my own victory in overcoming my abuse. This relates directly to the topic of tickling since my own abuse often involved being tickled and left me terrified of even hearing the word. I'll share about how the online community actually helped me to overcome that and reclaim the love that was once there.

As Ray said, this can be a difficult topic. But, there are many here who share this past and still struggle a great deal. If a handful of us sharing our own stories can help them to remember that they aren't alone and have people they can approach when the need to talk about it, then so be it. That's the whole point, for me, in doing the show.

I'd like to take this opportunity to encourage anyone who's been abused themselves, or knows someone who's been abused, to join us next Tuesday night...and the following Tuesday. If you're not comfortable acknowledging things in public, no worries. You don't need to. Just listen in. You'll hear stories not only of struggle, but also of hope and rejoicing. Most importantly, you'll know that you aren't alone and don't have to struggle on your own.

Come rejoice with us in the fact that ALL things can be overcome!

Since it's already been started, I'll echo Ann in just about everything she's said.

I'll be one of the ones on the air the week after Ann, and discussing the unique ways sexual, physical and psychological abuse affects men.

I am pretty open about my past. That is one way that I have found to conquer it. I have been abused sexually, emotionally, and physically throughout my childhood, and teens. I was molested by several different men from the time I was two years old and up. My mother not only knew about it and allowed it but participated- when she wasn't trying to kill me. I grew up very confused not really knowing what was supposed to happen in a relationship, which I feel left me open to being taken advantage of and then raped as a teenager. I was very fortunate in that I never got pregnant but for a long time I could not tell anyone because the only person around was my mother and she would have laughed at me. For a long time I had a fear about anyone touching my neck because of a guy literally choking me.

Things were very rough growing up. I was completely controlled and not allowed to have friends or really talk to anyone. Most of my life I was home schooled so I did not even have that avenue of escape. My escape growing up was books and baths. For me that was my sanctuary. It kept me from having to think about my own problems because I could focus on the characters in the stories.

Through the help of very close friends and through sheer determination I have managed to turn my life around. Viper and SapphireRose have helped me get over many of my issues including my fear of having a hand or arm near my neck. I have turned many of the things that scare me into things that either do not bother me or into things that are part of my sexual power. The things that I have been through are the reason that I am submissive sexually (most of the time).

I now feel that everything I have gone through has only made me stronger and made me the person that I am. I still have many insecurities and confidence issues but I really feel that I have grown a lot through the trials that I have had. I have also had the privilege of listening to others stories and helping them as much as I can.

Needless to say I refuse to have contact with my mother and have very select contact with the rest of my family. I live in a different state then all of my family and although they have marked me as a failure I am determined to succeed. I know that I am strong and I figure if I can survive everything that has been thrown at me thus far i can survive anything.

I hope that if anyone has things they need to talk about they will feel free to come to me. I am a willing understanding ear and I have been through a lot. I know how hard it can be to face abuse and no one should have to face it alone.

I think I ran out of things to say and cannot believe I wrote a post this long. Venray if you need another guest I am willing!

Everybody

Dave2112 said:

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Aww thanks hun!

lilyisticklish said:

I hope that if anyone has things they need to talk about they will feel free to come to me. I am a willing understanding ear and I have been through a lot. I know how hard it can be to face abuse and no one should have to face it alone.

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I'll echo that as well...though many already know they can come to me about this topic. We're actually looking at putting something together once we see what the show response is. One of the important things for folks to remember is that this stuff can be very difficult to share even one-on-one. Trust is a huge issue for all survivors. So, if a group of some sort were formed, people would have to remember to keep all that's shared strictly confidential unless you have permission to share something with others.

Here's a link to an article I wrote that may be of help if anyone is interested... Survivors, PTSD and Play I won't be taking time to get into this on Tuesday. But, we may deal with it a bit more down the road...both on air and in other articles.

Dave2112 said:

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Oddly enough, I was about to echo this exact sentiment. Lily, you're a very brave, strong young woman.

Adam said:

Oddly enough, I was about to echo this exact sentiment. Lily, you're a very brave, strong young woman.

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Aww thank you,

I really have been through a lot and I figure it is all worthwhile if I can help even one person, and I think I have managed to help people in the past, and I hope to continue helping people.

TklDuo-Ann said:

Come rejoice with us in the fact that ALL things can be overcome!

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Having spent a great deal of time with victims of abuse both in life and at work, it's always heartening to find those who have conquered and/or continue fighting the loss of trust, and incredible hurt, and haven't withdrawn into embitterment, default distrust of people they meet, or allowed themselves to become harsh and vindictive as their experiences could all too easily guide them to be.

Here's to the struggle and wonderful folks like Ann and Lily who both hold the right mindset and an incredible optimism to fight through shit they were so unfairly saddled with. You're both wonderful people and I'm honored to call you both my friends.

Didn't know til now that Dave had history with this as well. I've respected you for a long time, and fighting to overcome this garbage only impresses me more. Rage on, brother.

I look forward to listening to the shows. And thanks to Ray and Tracy for doing them!

Capnmad said:

Having spent a great deal of time with victims of abuse both in life and at work, it's always heartening to find those who have conquered and/or continue fighting the loss of trust, and incredible hurt, and haven't withdrawn into embitterment, default distrust of people they meet, or allowed themselves to become harsh and vindictive as their experiences could all too easily guide them to be.

Here's to the struggle and wonderful folks like Ann and Lily who both hold the right mindset and an incredible optimism to fight through shit they were so unfairly saddled with. You're both wonderful people and I'm honored to call you both my friends.

Didn't know til now that Dave had history with this as well. I've respected you for a long time, and fighting to overcome this garbage only impresses me more. Rage on, brother.

I look forward to listening to the shows. And thanks to Ray and Tracy for doing them!

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More and more we are finding out how many folks have things to share that will help others and we have been blessed with TMF Radio to use as a tool for that purpose and willbe doing many different topics going forward that may benefit others in the community...

The responses to the shows done already and some of the upcoming ones have been good to see so we shall continue as long as people want us to...

Capnmad said:

it's always heartening to find those who have conquered and/or continue fighting the loss of trust, and incredible hurt, and haven't withdrawn into embitterment, default distrust of people they meet, or allowed themselves to become harsh and vindictive as their experiences could all too easily guide them to be.

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Thanks, Cap. Believe me, I spent all too much time there as well. There was a time when I thought the whole world owed me and I could be as much of a bitch as I felt like because of what was done to me. It wasn't until I realized a truth that I got my head out of my tail and began to actually do something about it. What was that truth? The excuse of my past only counted until I recognized it. Then I became responsible for my actions and attitudes. I'm sure all those I was terrorizing until that point were none too happy about that!

One of the things I believe is that we all have the potential to be wounded healers. We've all had our own unique struggles and heartbreaks. As they say, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. When I'm struggling myself, the best thing I can do is reach out to help someone else. It puts things back in perspective. Even when I'm not hurting, the pain that was once there can still help me to reach out.

BTW, if anyone out there feels the need to talk, I'm always willing to listen. Feel free to PM me or e-mail me any time at [email protected] I'm not online as much as I used to be. But, I will respond.

DimpleToes said:

I did not see this thread untill Ann showed it to me.. I will be the other guest this Tuesday.. I will be sharing some of my experince of a childhood full of sexual abuse and a gange rape as a teen and how it greatly affected my life as a child and a teen, even my realtions with men untill I meet my husband who was my rock and showed me I was worth loving. I am sharing this in hopes to help others to see that what happen to them does not have to give a Label to what they are worth or the love they are able to receive. For we are all worth loving, both in giving and most importanly receiving love. We have all gone through may stuggles to survive but to say we have turned a truely ugly thing into a possitive thing to be an outreach to others to help them achieve that goal as well.. is truely a blessing.

As Ann said, Her and I have discused starting a support group at a later time for anyone here in TMF that may of been a victim of sexual abuse weither your male or female. Abuse happens to all genders. This will be a safe place for fellow survivors to talk freely about what ever you want to share.

If anyone here has had similar experiences and need to talk, please feel free to pm me.. I may not have all the answers you seek, yet as a survivor I can give a listening ear and shoulder to cry upon as one who truely knows how your feeling.

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Aww huggssss hun.

Lily, I am so proud of your openess in sharing your story as you have. If you want to talk of this, you know how to reach me, give me a call.. luva ya sissy.. hugsssssssssss

Dave, I honor you for beeing open as well. Yes, abuse happens to males as well. I am honored to call you freind. If you ever want to talk, I am here, drop me a pm.. hugssssssssss

Thank you both for your willingness to help Ann and I with this topic of sexual abuse, we both felt it will be benificial to the members of TMF to know a bit about it from a survivors perspective and to allow for other survivors to have someone to talk to if they need to. For even though the past is the past, you will always have triggers and things that bring it back up for you at times. With me, there are certain movies I am unable to watch if I know there is abuse in it or War movies. My father was of my abusers and he was declaired mentally incompetant from the Korean War when he mentally snapped after a tragic accident happen. I don't know if he was an abuser from that or not for he is no longer with us, but it is still hard for me to watch those type of movies for they send me into a temporary depression thinking about my father.

Once again, I want to let anyone know if they feel a tug on their heart for someone to talk to about this topic, please feel free to contact Ann or myself. We will be willing to help in any way we can..

lilyisticklish said:

Aww huggssss hun.

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HUGSSSSSSSSSS back...:twohugs:

When I first agreed to do the show with Ray, I thought that it might be good to have a male "survivor" talk about things. However, the more I've been examining things and realizing how many aspects of my life this has affected and how many things I didn't even realize, the less I'm willing to call myself a "survivor". Honestly, I don't feel as if I've survived shit.

Which is why I wanted to encourage anyone in this position to also contact any of those who've offered. The word "survivor" has been used a lot when talking about this, and it's important to know that even those who haven't can reach out to someone.

It's hard to consider oneself a survivor when one doesn't even want to open up anymore, or can't. And that's what happens a lot. I, for one, rarely have shared a lot about it...I've gone from points in my life where it was shoved down so deep that I actually believed I was "fine" with it. Just shit that happened. No big deal, we move on. And right through to points, like recently, where it's all consuming. And it is hard to open up, to share a lot. You run the risk of having it, at best blown off as "the past being the past" and at worst having it used against you. I've been through both, and frankly, the latter has made me question if it's even worth it to bother trusting anyone with this kind of information anymore...the emotionality and vulnerability. Men aren't supposed to be like that, are we? It's a risky and dangerous business, putting that kind of vulnerability into the wrong hands, and how are we ever supposed to know? Oftentimes, it seems better to just keep shoving it down.

Believe me, I've had a lot of second thoughts about doing Ray's show. Still do. Damaged trust and all, and there are times when I wonder if it'll ever be there.

Sorry for the rant, it's been a bad few days.

DimpleToes said it perfectly, Dave.

PM/email/phone is open here also, if you need it.

Dave & Lisa...

First off,

I just checked this before calling it a night and am glad I did. So, I just want to encourage you both to honor what you're feeling. If the time comes and you simply don't feel ready, it's okay. You'll know when the time is right. Give yourselves permission to take a step back, even if it ends up being just in considering not doing this and then finding that you're okay with it when the time comes.

Remember, we never had a choice in the abuse. Now, we have the power to choose. So, the choice is YOURS. Rejoice in that. Know that we will understand and love you no matter what you choose. Be strong enough to love yourself and allow yourself the choice!

I'll talk with you both more privately tomorrow if you wish.

Peace, my friends!

What Ann says is 100% correct....Comfort in sharing is important so make sure you are ready and feel right about it before rushing in...🙂

Thanks for the talk, Ray.

No, I'm doing it. It's time. Waiting to feel "comfortable" is never gonna happen. How does anyone ever feel comfortable about anything like this? I guess it's just a matter of levels of comfort, and considering the support from those others of you involved, that level is failry strong. Thanks, Ray...and Ann, Lisa, Lila, Kristy, Adam and Morgan as well. It does mean a lot.

Dave2112 said:

Thanks for the talk, Ray.

No, I'm doing it. It's time. Waiting to feel "comfortable" is never gonna happen. How does anyone ever feel comfortable about anything like this? I guess it's just a matter of levels of comfort, and considering the support from those others of you involved, that level is failry strong. Thanks, Ray...and Ann, Lisa, Lila, Kristy, Adam and Morgan as well. It does mean a lot.

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Most welcome Bro....any time at all...

Dave2112 said:

Thanks for the talk, Ray.

No, I'm doing it. It's time. Waiting to feel "comfortable" is never gonna happen. How does anyone ever feel comfortable about anything like this? I guess it's just a matter of levels of comfort, and considering the support from those others of you involved, that level is failry strong. Thanks, Ray...and Ann, Lisa, Lila, Kristy, Adam and Morgan as well. It does mean a lot.

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Any time, Dave.