Being On An Even Keel If Things Go Great,. Or Terrible..

[Mitchell]

I wanted to post this in the main forum to discuss something that's happening in my life. Its about myself, but also is a general topic.

Am I correct to feel that its socially graceful to behave humbly if things are going well, and not to rub things in others faces, and also, not to expect sympathy, if you arent sympathetic?


Let me explain: My friend Barney has been unemployed for a long time. (I am NOT making fun of him, just stating a fact) This week, he supposedly found employment, and told me he has a new girlfriend.

His history is that he will cry to me about his tales of woe if things are not going his way, and will act smug, arrogant, and like hes better than everyone else, if he suddenly gets a job or gf. I'm one who hates when people do this, because, it's my motto never to act arrogant, no matter how well things go.

While I dont like to count my chickens until they hatch, I'm now in the process of finalizing plans for my business, a process that has been delayed by my attorney's busy schedule, the death of my dad's father in law, and now a vacation my dad is planning.

Today I found out I'm going to be getting a job/consulting position. The details have to be finalized.

I feel happy and very thankful for the developments, and plan to make the most and best of the opportunity I'm going to have. When I thanked my dad for his assistance, his response was "By the end of this year, your life is going to be markedly better".

The only "Touche" in this whole situation, if it works out, will be to my uncle, and my cousins, who, as I've posted before, have geninuely behaved in a cruel manner, and wished me to be on disability, destitute, and homeless. It will be nice to have success, both for myself, and to spite them.

I have never been anything but supportive to my friend Barney. It angers me that suddenly he thinks hes better than me, simply because he got a job and gf at a time when I dont have a significant other.

Even if I make a million dollars with my business, I will still be the same Mitch. I'm not better than anyone, even if I would happen to have more money. I would never act arrogant if I was well off, and someone did love me. My thought would be "I'm very lucky to have this, and I need to make sure I behave in a manner where I keep it".

Do people understand what I'm saying? Am I justified in being angry because my friend, who himself has a very checkered job and romance history, and has been fired from many jobs, and let go by many girls, suddenly thinks hes hot shit just because he happened to get a job and a gf?

Thoughts?

 

[Bothersome]

For me, it's more about the actual accomplishment itself.

Personally, I'd find it really hard to brag about landing a job as a Janitor, but if I end up as the CEO of a multi-million dollar corporation, you can bet that I'm gonna gloat about it for a little while.

And as for having a girlfriend... well, it kind of goes the same way. For twenty bucks you can find yourself a girlfriend for an hour, but I don't know that you'd want to brag about it.

 

[kurchatovium]

Congrats on the job I think thats really good you found one. 🙂 A rule a teacher once told me was is Never measure yourself with someone else's yardstick.. I always thought that was sound advice. 🙂

 

[Mitchell]

I see your point, Bothersome.

My friend in question is a CPA. However, he's literally be fired from dozens of jobs. He's bi polar, and has extreme personality disorders. Most people I know who meet him, dont like him.

I wanted to post an add to this.

I did well in college,. and was in the historical honors society. One night, while I was writing my long senior thesis, I got the shock of my life when I won an award at the annual honors society dinner. The professors were very proud of me, and told me I should be proud of myself. My academic advisor, took me aside, for a stern reality check. His message was "Be proud of this tonight, and tomorrow, continue to work your ass off, because this can be taken away from you in a heartbeat". I got his message loud and clear, continued to work hard the rest of the term, and got a great grade on my thesis, and for my final grades that term. I didnt think I was better than anyone because I was a history honors student, or I had won an award.

 

[Mitchell]

Thanks, kurch. I dont want to count my chickens about the job until my first day on the job, supposedly, May 1. By then, I hope to be well on the way with my business too.

 

[Leo tickles]

Yup.

The thing about feeling like you're better than somebody and rule the world is this... do you still rule it when nobody's watching?

I used to be like him. Friend friend friend, girlfriend, no more friend. And then when no girlfriend happened, friend. Rinse and repeat and eventually I ended up with nobody. Which was... mostly okay actually but that's not the point.


The point is that if you act like a douche bag just because you achieved something most anybody can do (a job, a girlfriend, getting a carwash, etc etc etc), you pretty much become the douche bag you're acting like.

If I were you I'd casually explain to him that you've been in his life through a lot of shit, and if he wants you around to be through more of life's shit, he's gonna have to remember who he's dealing with when speaking to you about how amazing he is at life. Because even if he keeps the job and marries the girl, shit's gonna break down in between then and you need to let him know that you won't be around to help him deal with it if he's gonna act like he's better than you.

 

[Mitchell]

Leo., thanks for your analyis. I absolutely agree.

This probably wont surprise people who know me, but, its my motto to treat EVERYONE with respect, no matter what their "job title"., I talk to everyone in my building, from the janitors, to the doormen, the super, and the president. My motto is that hopefully if I'm respectful to them, they will be respectful to me. The same will hold true even if the company I'm going to start becomes the biggest thing in marketing.

I'm also pissed because I had a business problem this week, and wrote to tell him about it, and hes ignored me. I never open up to my dad about anything with my friends, but I did tell my dad about this. My dad thought he was very rude, and could have at least emailed me.

My mom, God rest her soul, used to notice that every time he got arrogant, he usually got fired from his job. My friend thinks that if my company goes as planned, hes going to be working with/ for me. Er, not... What he doesnt know is.. my dad and I have an agreement, that he will NEVER work for us.

I know I need to expand myself socially as well as with work. Thank heaven for my friend Adam. He is wonderful, and never arrogant, and I love his parents.

Thanks for the support in this thread.

 

[Bothersome]

I agree that almost all people deserve respect for their job.

I mean, even if the Janitor has a job that you wouldn't be caught dead doing, you have to respect the fact that he's doing it. It's a job that needs doing, after all.

 

[Mitchell]

Agreed, Bothersome.

 

[kis123]

I think it's about time Mitchell thinks about Mitchell and NO ONE ELSE!! Not daddy, not so called friends, nobody else but Mitchell.

Grow and develop self and see where that leads you.....I wouldn't give a rat's ass about him....at all! If he's bipolar he'll mess up and sabotage himself. Why would you really even care about his outcome under the circumstances you've described?

Mitch, go and do.....you! Come back and tell us all how that went okay...?

 

[Mitchell]

kis, thank you. I understand what you're saying.

My dad has actually been acting nice lately. When we found out about the serious business setback today, he told me hes going to help me work it out.

As for my friend: I dont want this to be a friendship ender, considering what happened with my ex best friend of 29 years. I do care because I have a lot invested in this friendship, over 20 years, and we did have good times together.

My family, dad, two aunts, think my friend is behaving horribly. I'm supposed to see him on Sunday, but I'm going to see my dad first, and find out just how bad the biz setback is, before following through with my plans. I'm in a very bad mood, and seeing my friend may make things worse.

You're a wise person, kis, and I am going to start worrying about Mitch more. I appreciate your advice and your friendship.

 

[chicago]

What did Barney say that made you feel like he was being arrogant? Even if he's got a job cleanin sewers, after being unemployed for a long time, there is a sense of pride in finding work again. Maybe, he was just really happy and wanted you to be happy for him? Don't know one way or another, but I agree, being arrogant, pretentious, condescending, etc probably makes me mad more than anything else.

 

[Mitchell]

Mairead, it wasnt what he said, its how he says things, and his actions.

He has a certain arrogant, smug tone, making it seem like hes better than me, because he has a gf, and a new job. Additionally, he informed me that he was "ready to speak to me at 1030am tomorrow morning". He did this without even asking me. One problem with this: I'm seeing my dad tomorrow, to both deal with old work, and discuss my new job/business. I'm not available at 1030 tomorrow morning just because Barney says so. He thinks the world revolves around him. I sent him an email telling him so.

He's really raising my ire. I have a strong feeling that our situation is going to change greatly.

My day today was a lot better than yesterday. My dad admitted that he probably overreacted to the biz setback,. which caused me to freak out. We discussed it calmly today, and he said we're going to work it out. His demeanor toward me has completely changed. When I thanked him for all he does for me, his reply was "No thanks needed, I'm your dad, and its my pleasure". I really want to make a ton of $$$ to be able to help him pay for his life and such, so he can really retire. His view represents a 360 degree change in how he used to treat me, and my aunt told me today to stop bitching about him, and deal with any problem that arises as it happens. I know shes right.

 

[Mitchell]

A Development:

Barney just called me. He made the call very brief. He says he is having dinner with me tomorrow night, supposedly, but that tomorrow is the only time he can see me "For the forseeable future". For someone who used to call me incessantly before he got this job and gf,. I get the message loud and clear. I innocently asked him if he had seen his gf, and he corrected me like I was a child, saying, "Her name is Sharon". He mentioned her to me once, and to tell the truth, I'm so pissed at him that I didnt remember her name at that point.

I'm just going to see where this goes. I dont see good coming of this in the future.

 

[kis123]

Mitch, I'll just say you're a better one than I am, because I can have dinner peacefully alone.

But I can't tell you how to live your life so if you think dealing with this guy over dinner is palatable, then go for it! If it were me, I'd find something else better to do.

 

[Mitchell]

Thanks, kis. I know your advice is sincere. My two aunts think I shouldnt see him tonight., Also, I have to spend at least some of rhe day with dad today. Joy! Hopefully that goes okay.

I'll post later tonight. This may be a very interesting day.

 

[kis123]

Thanks, kis. I know your advice is sincere. My two aunts think I shouldnt see him tonight., Also, I have to spend at least some of rhe day with dad today. Joy! Hopefully that goes okay.

I'll post later tonight. This may be a very interesting day.

Don't forget to stop at the drugstore for Excedrin or the headache relief medicine of your choice....looks like you might need it!

 

[GQguy]

It's rough when your friends are moving on with their lives. When I was younger I was perpetually the single guy. I learned pretty quickly that once a buddy of mine got a girl friend that i'd very rarely see him again....sometimes never again! I also learned though that these relationships don't always last. And when they don't last that i'll be there to catch them. I gained some of my best friends by keeping that philosophy. They didn't know how much of a friend I was till they were all alone and I was there extending a hand a beer and an ear...sometimes even a shoulder.

Be happy for your friend man. And congrats to you! It sounds like both of you are on the up and up! This is reason for celebration. If you're upset by your friends behaviour....don't be. Love is a serious mood alterer.....and no one is immune from it's effects. It'll bring out the best and it'll bring out the worst.

I know we guys always say this....when I have a girl things with my boys will never change! But they always do. That's the nature of it. Accept it. He's still your buddy....Sharon however has taken over many of the responsibilities you once had. That is life. *sigh* In time you'll have a partner that'll take over the responsibilities that Barney once held. In the mean time reach out to new friends. Preferably guys that are single or divorced....married guys are unavailable. Forge new friendships with these men while keeping your eye out for new lady friends. Support one another in the search.

 

[Mitchell]

GQ, while I see what you're saying, you dont understand the full impact. My friend is beginning to lack common courtesy.

For example, we have dinner plans tonight. I came home from seeing my dad at 11am this morning, and called Barney to discuss the plans we have tonight. He didnt answer, and I left a message. As I post this, its now nearly four, and Barney hasnt called or emailed me. To me, I think this is rude. If he cant/doesnt want to see me, fine, but theres something called common courtesy here that hes lacking.

kis, my dad was fine today. Hes one who says I overreact to everything, but he doesnt think I'm overreacting to this. He thinks Barney is treating me like shit. My dad said he wants to see whether Barney is still at his job or with this girl in six months from now.

Barney saw his friend Paul last night, and those plans went off without a hitch.


I've been in love too, but I didnt start treating others like shit because of it. I was able to compartmentalize my romance, friends, family, etc. While the gf came first, I never stopped seeing any friends of family because of it.

I dont have a good feeling about this. I think hes letting out all his aggression to me. He might be in for a very rude awakening. My bet is I dont hear from him. If he blows me off, I'm really going to light into him.

 

[Mitchell]

I did something I dont normally do, and called him a second time. He finally answered, and told me he said last night to be at his apt at 5. No. What he said was he was going to talk to me after I saw my dad. Had he told me be there at 5, I wouldnt be so pissed. So, I'm going at 5, and even if I spend some time with him, may decide to throw him out of here at 9 for my weekly call with my friend Adam.

Thats the update. I post how tonight goes.

 

[GQguy]

Balancing a new career, a girlfriend and busom friends is no easy task! Especially when you're grown men and do so much together. A lady friend and a new job will cut into his freetime and his ability to consider you. This is the sad nature of things. His mind is busy. Take it easy on him. Hopefully you too will see the difficulty of juggling so many priorities. And hopefully your friends are forgiving too. Sure he sucks as a friend now...but if I threw every buddy that behaved like that away when he got a new girl/job/girl+job i'd be friendless!

True friends don't let success and women get in the way of friendship. It's easy to place this responsibility on the shoulders of the individual with the girl and the success....but the burden also lays itself on the friend as well. Be understanding. Be encouraging. Learn from him and his success. In the mean time look to grab dinner with other friends. Sadly your relationship will continue to become further and further apart as his relationship becomes more serious and work becomes more involved. That's where we're at in our lives.

Coincidentally enough an old best friend of mine called to invite me to his wedding yesterday. Haven't spoken to that guy since he met his fiance. Several unreturned phone calls and text messages. But we're still bros. I'll give him shit though if we meet again....in a joking matter of course. In the mean time i've met a girl(s) and made new friends. No sweat! I'm happy for him if he's happy.

 

[Mitchell]

GQ, I dont think you understand me at all. You look at things from your point of view.

I'm about the most understanding friend around. I put up with more than a decade of abuse and putdowns from not only my ex best friend, but also his family. It was when he didnt visit or call even once, when my mom was in the hosp for 3 weeks in 2010, that I called it quits with him.

As for Barney, I saw him for dinner tonight, and it went okay. I'm supposed to see him tomorrow morning. Of course I understand that he has a new gf and work. All I'm saying is it seemed like until tonight, he was making time for everyone else, including his other best friend of 15 years, and ignoring me. I feel better about it, and hope to work it through with him.

 

[Mitchell]

Something else I want to make clear..

Barney is very much a "Dont rub your good fortune in my face" person if things arent going well for him. Let me explain.

When my mom and I moved from Fort Lee, NJ to Lancaster, PA in 1999, we knew about the move for a year. I was very eager to leave Fort Lee, because I didnt like it there. Barney kept saying "I dont want to hear about your move, because it upsets me that you are moving". About a week before I moved to PA in 1999, Barney got fired from a job , and was positively devestated, and angry, at me, that I was moving, because he felt I was abandoning him at a bad time in his life. Its a natural fact of life that friends are sometimes going to have a strong reaction to their friends having a major life change, especially if it will affect the friends time spent with them. I guarantee that if I had found a girl friend first, he would have the same reaction I'm having.

I'm just going to have to see where this situation leads. Hopefully I can still spend time with him, even if his relationbship does continue.

 

[GQguy]

Glad things went well!

 

[chicago]

A Development:

Barney just called me. He made the call very brief. He says he is having dinner with me tomorrow night, supposedly, but that tomorrow is the only time he can see me "For the forseeable future". For someone who used to call me incessantly before he got this job and gf,. I get the message loud and clear. I innocently asked him if he had seen his gf, and he corrected me like I was a child, saying, "Her name is Sharon". He mentioned her to me once, and to tell the truth, I'm so pissed at him that I didnt remember her name at that point.

I'm just going to see where this goes. I dont see good coming of this in the future.

Ok, yeah, I kinda get it now. Sounds annoying. I'd say the best thing to do in terms of Barney is act like you don't give a fuck.