Being On An Even Keel If Things Go Great,. Or Terrible..

[Mitchell]

Mairead,thank you. Since I last posted, another thing happened.

Barney was supposed to make a run to Home Depot. There is a supermarket there which has a change counting machine that I needed to go to. When we were trying to arrange a time, I wanted to be flexible since he was driving. We said 1pm, and he initially agreed to have lunch with me. He then said something like "On Second thought I dont have the time",. once again like a smug asshole. As I always try to compromise, I said something like "Okay, well, how about fast food, quick and easy. He again smugly tokl me he doesnt have the time. Er... his new job doesnt start until March 25. This is after I agreed to go to the resturant he wanted to last night, after I had just been there, and then agreed to make the market run at his time. All I tried to compromise about was the lunch. His attitude got me so pissed that I hung up on him, and sent him a nasty email.

I dont think he gives a fuck. This is exactly what happened with my ex best friend and me. All his way, until he met someone, and then everyone else, his parents, other friends, mattered but me. When my mom lay in the hosp sick for 3 weeks in Oct 2010 and he didnt come see us, or call, that was the last straw.

This is headed for no good. What GQ said about spending time with a gf is true, but running a "friendship" all one person's way is not a friendship.

I turned my phone off all day. He didnt call or email. Now I will see what happens.

 

[GQguy]

Take it easy man. Most guys don't handle dating and friends too well. Especially guys that aren't so great in the dating dept to begin with. So much hope is riding on that new relationship that they forget those that kept them company all those lonely days!

Anytime you feel like calling up Barney, call up someone else. And it's ok...many friendships don't make it past new relationships. Many friends grow apart. Not because one person is an asshole, but because your lives are diverging in different directions. Tis the way of life.

If this stuff bothers you wait till you're knee deep in the dating world. Holy shit....that's a total mess! LOL

 

[Mitchell]

GQ, I really dont think you understand where I'm coming from at all.

It might be easy for you to say "take it easy". Just.. less than a month ago, Barney called me crying his eyes out because it was the anniversary of his father's death, 30 years later. I cancelled a call with another friend for him, and let him stay here until 3am.

Then.. he wanted to watch the Super Bowl on my TV that is bigger than his. I hate football, but, being the giving person I am, I did my friend a favor, for... hours.. ncluding pre game etc.., a LOT longer than it would have taken him to take me to the places I needed/wanted to go today.

As for your "Many friendships dont make it past new relationships",. I dont find that true. When I had relationships, my friends still mattered. Additionally, Barney still sees his friend Paul regularly. Barney's wraith is directed at me.

I'm to the point that I dont give a fuck anymore. If I can iive without my mom and reconcile with my family as gracious as I did this past year, I can do this too.

I'm simply not going to call him. Hes the type that even if he doesnt seek me out now, he will call me crying in a month or two if his gf dumps him or his job doesnt work out. If that happens, I will ignore him.

I have a right to be treated well by someone whose needs I have catered to. If not, fuck it.

 

[GQguy]

GQ, I really dont think you understand where I'm coming from at all.

It might be easy for you to say "take it easy". Just.. less than a month ago, Barney called me crying his eyes out because it was the anniversary of his father's death, 30 years later. I cancelled a call with another friend for him, and let him stay here until 3am.

Then.. he wanted to watch the Super Bowl on my TV that is bigger than his. I hate football, but, being the giving person I am, I did my friend a favor, for... hours.. ncluding pre game etc.., a LOT longer than it would have taken him to take me to the places I needed/wanted to go today.

As for your "Many friendships dont make it past new relationships",. I dont find that true. When I had relationships, my friends still mattered. Additionally, Barney still sees his friend Paul regularly. Barney's wraith is directed at me.

I'm to the point that I dont give a fuck anymore. If I can iive without my mom and reconcile with my family as gracious as I did this past year, I can do this too.

I'm simply not going to call him. Hes the type that even if he doesnt seek me out now, he will call me crying in a month or two if his gf dumps him or his job doesnt work out. If that happens, I will ignore him.

I have a right to be treated well by someone whose needs I have catered to. If not, fuck it.

I say "take it easy" because there's nothing that will push your friend away more than adding more demand for his time.

I say "many friendships don't make it past new relationships" because it is true. How many men in relationships get to hangout with their best guy friend the way they used to before he met the girl? Very few unfortunately.

I can bet you that Barney's wraith would be lessened if you just give him space. It sounds like he could use it.

If he doesn't call you in a months....but calls you after he's lost his job or his girl.....and you answer....then you're a true friend. Remind him of his behaviour, and then move on. I've had the pleasure of doing that many of times. As a result I keep ending up as groomsmen/bestman in weddings. LOL


Go ahead and google "Best friend has a new girlfriend". Read the responses. Note though that for the most part these are teens complaining about this so the odds of breaking up are lessened(two 16 year olds vs two 40 year olds). You're FAR from alone. Actually every guy on this forum has been here at sometime or another.

http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-Your-Best-Friend-Changing-Since-He-Got-a-Girlfriend

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20091122212415AASpnue

 

[Mitchell]

GQ, I do "Give him space", as you say. I hardly ever call him. What you dont get is that this is someone who calls me to tell me his tales of woe, and to tell me the schedule of where he wants to go, when he wants to do it. A one way road isnt a friendship.

So, if he dumps me at this still difficult time of my life, but then calls me to tell me he lost his job or his girl, and I am sympathetic to him, I'm a true friend? I dont get your view. Only his feelings matter? Would you say the same thing if my ex best friend called me after 3 years, after he ignored me and my mom, who had treated him like family for 30 years, when my mom was in the hospital fighting cancer?

You can have your view. Differing views is what makes the world go round. I dont share your view. My family thinks he isnt treating me right. The better things get for him, the more of a smug asshole he will be. Yet, if he lost his job or his gf, and I had both things, he would not want me to rub such in his face.

I dont know what is going to be with this. Whatever happens, happens.

 

[kis123]

Mitch,

Read the below statement very carefully.....

.........I have a right to be treated well by someone whose needs I have catered to. If not, fuck it.

Now do you really mean that? If you do, then live by it and deal with whatever consequences come out of it.

It's very difficult for me to believe that a mature 40-something living in NY can't find friends that are respectful and will treat you well. Too many millions of people in that area for you to convince me that you have to swallow someone else's crap! You're old enough to choose how to live your life and if that means telling someone to kick mud, then it is what it is Mitch!

If he's not being a friend to you, then go be around someone who is......can't make it any plainer at this point.

 

[Mitchell]

thanks, kis. Yes, I do mean the statement I wrote. I guess its just difficult for me to perhaps be forced to end another friendship of 20 years for the second time in two years, for the same reason, because the friend found a gf literally days or weeks before, and started treating me like crap.

I have a strong feeling it may well be over with Barney. I saw my aunt today, and while shes usually a pacifist to the utmost, shes appalled by his actions. If my mom was alive, she would be repulsed and would advise me to tell him to go to hell.

Its not looking good.

Thanks again kis.

 

[Mitchell]

An update:

I was at the DMV today, trying to get my NYS ID. It was aggravating enough because I was first sent to the wrong address and then when I went to the right address, I was denied because even though I had a valid PA ID, and my SS card, they dont consider another state's valid ID as proper ID to get a New York ID card, and I needed a certified copy of my birth cerificate, which I dont have. I have to write away for the birth certificate

While this was all going on, Barney called me. He wanted to come up here tonight at 6. I said okay. I'll miss the early version of my favorite newsguy from Philly. I know what Barney is, but this is just what I feel like doing for tonight,.

I know he will never change. What I have to do is to expand socially so I dont have to rely on him.

 

[GQguy]

Bravo!

 

[Mitchell]

Thank you, GQ. I'm glad you approve.

 

[GQguy]

Thank you, GQ. I'm glad you approve.

It doesn't matter that I approve. You did what was best for you and you took responsibility. Screw what GQguy or anybody else says. It's all about you man, and you choosing the path that makes you happiest.

But I do approve ;o)

 

[Mitchell]

Okay.

Well, Barney was up here for several hrs tonight. We had pizza together, he just left, and all went okay. I may see him Friday night.

I'm, feeling better about it. Hopefully it will last.

 

[Mitchell]

Things seem to be getting better.

After I went to the casino for several hrs myself today, and did okay, I ran into Barney on the way home from he subway. We ended up ordering chinese food, and he stayed for a few hrs. We're supposed to have dinner in the city tomorrow.

I realize our time together could take a hit when he and I both start our new jobs/businesses. Hopefully we will find time to see each other.

 

[Bothersome]

One phrase I hear over and over is; "You can't change another. You can only change yourself."

I've always taken that to heart. Like Kis said, if someone treats you like crap, get out of there. Change your situation and find someone who will appreciate your kindness. You're always free to tough it out if you really care about that person, but that's on you, not them.

 

[Mitchell]

Bothersome, I understand, and I have gotten out of there many times. Look at my ex best friend. I toughed it out, then was forced to get rid of him after 29 years when my mom was dying of cancer.

The thing is: Barney talks like he wants us to go on together. He talked about us going to a baseball game this summer, and perhaps taking a weekend trip to the Mall of America. I dont want this friendship to end. We've known each other almost 21 years, and had many good times together.

My dad says I have to do whats best for me. Honestly, what I want is to continue my friendship with Barney,spend time together, and also make other friends. I'm hopeful this can happen.

 

[Mitchell]

An update on Barney. Sometimes he really is unreal. He doesnt care who he screws over, as long as he's happy. What I'm about to post has nothing to do with women..

My friend Adam and his parents have been very nice to both Barney and me, having us to their home in NJ to swim in their pool, for dinner, etc.

As everyone knows, I'm a Braves fan. Adam is a Mets fan. We have a tradition of going to Mets V Braves together usually once a year.

Last night, I spoke to Adam, and he mentioned to me that he wanted to do a Mets-Braves game, he, I and Barney. Last year Adam and I went with our fathers. Barney's father has unfortunately passed away.


I mentioned this to Barney, telling him that Adam and his family have been very nice to us, and that if Barney wants to do a Mets-Braves game, we must include Adam, and that Barney can do another game with me alone. Barney's reply was "We'll see". Ah, nothing doing. Now, Barney wants not only to discount a friend's feelings for his gf, but he also wants to involve another friend, in hurting someone else, and their family, who has been nice to both of us. Reverse behavior like this by my ex best friend, and his mother, caused the end of our friendship, as they basically dumped on us, after my mom and me were nice to them. My attitude, if Barney is hell bent on wanting to hurt Adam, Barney can do it on his own time. I will simply either go to Mets V Braves with Adam alone, or ask my father if he and Adam's father want to go the fathers and sons to Mets-Braves, and we will disinclude Barney in consideration of his anti social actions.

I'm beginning to see why he has so many problems. He just doesnt consider anyone else at all.

 

[kis123]

You know what I call this Mitch??



That about sums it up for me!

He's not going to change so why do you keep playing the insanity card watching the same behaviors, complaining about them, but continuing to hope he'll change?? The facts are that is isn't going to change at least not in the foreseeable future so why don't you find something else better to do when he calls? Or do you like being his doormat?? IF you do, then keep doing what you're doing but please, please, please stop complaining about it especially since you won't do anything about it.

 

[Mitchell]

I understand.

Part of the reason I cant do anything about it now is that I need to make more friends. My life is a bit barren. My plan is to just take him with a grain of salt, and then as things get better, put him on the back burner even if I dont formally pack him in.

You;ll like this: My dad, of all people, think he is awful, as do my two aunts.

 

[Mane'o]

Perhaps now would be the time to meet some new people and explore developing some new friendships as you've indicated several times you want to do.

 

[Leo tickles]

I understand.

Part of the reason I cant do anything about it now is that I need to make more friends. My life is a bit barren. My plan is to just take him with a grain of salt, and then as things get better, put him on the back burner even if I dont formally pack him in.

You;ll like this: My dad, of all people, think he is awful, as do my two aunts.

So you're going to use him until you make more friends and then put him on the back burner once you do?

Sounds like something Barney would do and Mitch would complain about. Hm.

 

[Mitchell]

Mane'o, I see what youre saying.

Leo, maybe I shouldnt have said that. I'm just not very happy with how things are with him right now. He's running things all his way, which isnt a friendship. This is what my ex best friend did.

 

[Leo tickles]

Mane'o, I see what youre saying.

Leo, maybe I shouldnt have said that. I'm just not very happy with how things are with him right now. He's running things all his way, which isnt a friendship. This is what my ex best friend did.

Then tell him to be more considerate of you or you won't talk to him. People don't run you around unless you let them.

 

[Mitchell]

I see what youre saying.

 

[Leo tickles]

I see what youre saying.

Then act on it and stop waiting for a miracle.

Your constant updates on the situation prove that you want this friendship to work. For a good number of years, it has. But after everything you've been through you keep struggling to find a reason as to why you should allow his treatment of you to continue. The answer is you shouldn't.

I know you'll miss some parts of his friendship but do you really want to spend the rest of your life having a friend that not only throws you away, but totally disrespects you just because life is kind to him at the moment? I know it's a tough choice, but the answer should be no.

You've lived long enough to know that. You've been through enough to know that. Stop being so nice and just cut the cord. You'll be better off.

 

[Mitchell]

Leo, again, your points are valid.. but.. ah.. you're also not considering what I've been through in the past three years. In case you've forgotten.. I'll give you a recap.

Mom diagnosed with cancer.

Father dumps me when mom diagnosed with cancer.

We find a Dr in NJ who says mom's situation is treatable, and make weekly drives 300 miles a week for her to get chemo.

Relationship with other best friend of 29 years, troublesome for many years, ends when he doesnt visit in the hospital when mom is sick for three weeks, because he found a girl 2 weeks earlier.

We live in NJ for 3 months for my mom to get daily radiation, and weekly chemo, during which we get a vicious letter from my father, I watch my mom suffer, I suffer a seizure and almost die.

My mom is declared "cancer free"

We find out my mom has brain cancer. I'm forced to call my father when she's diagnosed with brain cancer.

Mom dies six weeks later, less than a year ago.

I dealt with her illness ALL ALONE for over two years, with NO HELP from my family. I am alone with her in NJ for three months, for all hospital visits, and as she has her terminal illness. She dies in my arms, and I dont even have a family member to hug or cry to, until 36 hours after that. At that point, the family member I have is my father, who was probably joyful and counting dollar signs, as the person he despised most in the world has suffered terribly and died, and he profited financially from it. He took care of planning her funeral, which was undoubtedly the happiest event in his life.

Iam forced by circumstance to acknowledge my father's family. All of whom, including his brother and his cousins, are abusive to me, while hes constantly taking their sides.


I am forced to move to NY, into unfamiliar surroundings.

ALL THIS HAPPENED TO ME, WITHIN LESS THAN 3 YEARS!

I suppose, that during this terrible transition, I had wanted to have someone familiar to be with, as I was trying to build a life. Had all this.. or even some of it.. NOT happened to me, I know I would have been pulling the trigger on this years ago.

Unless someone is standing in my shoes, they cant understand it.

I WANT to untie from Barney, but I have to do so in the way thats most comfortable for me.

I'm sorry if people cant understand this.

I know you've scoffed at what I'm about to say, Leo, but, all this is not to mention that my father holds everyone else in his life as priority over me, and justifies everyone who does and says evil things to me. (My uncle, his cousins).

Read what I've just wrote and see if you can understand.

Tell you what.. if.. in a year from now, my business works, and I was in a position to deal with both Barney, AND my father, then I would really be in good shape.