Marriage.. Relationship.., No..

[Mitchell]

I know I'm leaving myself wide open for trouble with this thread. I dont know if this is some depressed rant.. brought on by nights of madness, lonliness, and heartbreak, in my apartment, but that being said., I'm going to post it anyway.

While I know that I probably cant think clearly with the frame of mind I've been in the last two months, I've been doing a lot of thinking, both when I found out my mom was terminally ill, and especially since she passed away, and I've concluded.. that I dont think I'm interested in a relationship.. or marriage... ever.

My father keeps saying to me.. "The way you honor your mother's memory, is to go on with your life". I know that, but I also know that she wanted grandchildren, and never had them, which is my fault.

I know that I have to get a stable job/business when I get back to NY. While I know the economy is still tough, I have a feeling I will find something. My dad knows so many people, that I believe opportuntities will come my way. I'll have a job, business, or both, an apartment, my close friends, my family etc.

When I was young, I always dreamed of being married at .. 25.. and staying married for life. With the way my life crumbled, those dreams went up in smoke.

Now, I'm 42.. I'm old, tired, fat, sick, depressed, etc, etc etc. Simply put.. I have nothing to offer a female on an emotional level. I can barely take care of myself. Not to mention the idea that I dont want emotional demands put on me.

My aunt says that this is the wrong time to think about any of this.. She says that she knows how my mom's illness and passing has affected me, and that my whole life is going to change when I move back to NY.

With my mom gone, I can even be deceptive. My dad has said if I meet a female.. I dont have to tell her about,.. taxes.. living with mom til 42, failed businesses, etc, etc etc.

I just dont want any of it. The way I see it.. my dad has grandchildren.. Cheryl has two grandchildren, who have nothing to do with her ex husband. My dad told me on Passover that he insists he will not feel like he has grandchildren until/unless I have a child.

I'm very angry that my mom didnt live to see a grandchild. Angry at my father for how he conducted the divorce. Angry at myself for perhaps not being motivated enough. Angry at my mom for smoking and getting cancer. Angry at fate for not being able to do a business that worked out, so i could get married, and have kids.

The past couple of weeks/months, I've swallowed my pride, gone back, and started new relationships with people who really hurt me. My dad, Cheryl, my uncle. Except for the cousin who made the remark about my mom, everyone has been nice.

No one can force me to have a relationship and get married, i know. As long as I have a job/business, and can support myself, no one is going to put me in jail if I decide not to get married or be involved.

I could change my mind, but the way I see it, I just dont want it. I know as well as I know my name is Mitch that if I move back to NY, get a job, do a business, get an apartment, and my life stablizes, my dad will be on me to find a companion. He's going to be in for a very rude awakening, because, unless something happens to change my mind, I just dont want to go there, not for the forseeable future, and maybe.. never.

Mitch

 

[BrightEyes1082]

1. Having children because your parents want grandchildren is the wrong reason to have children.

2. You have the rest of your life to get married. You have another good ten years to have kids.
It's not as though you're a woman with a biological clock (or, at least not one that ticks as fast).

3. It's fine to think about these things now, but it's best to make such big decisions when you
are in an emotionally stable frame of mind.

4. If you truly don't want any of it, now or ever, then simply don't.

 

[c7_assassin]

My aunt says that this is the wrong time to think about any of this..
Mitch

This is the most significant sentence in what you just wrote. Also...

I have nothing to offer a female on an emotional level. I can barely take care of myself. Not to mention the idea that I dont want emotional demands put on me.
Mitch

So, you've answered your own question if this is true.

Get your life in shape, man, and then worry about accoutrements, whichever form they take.

 

[Mitchell]

Brighteyes, thank you. I appreciate your insight,

Thanks, c7.

jin, thanks.

Oh, and as for being fat, that statement is not correct, as the scale this morning showed me. I'm currently 177 lbs, which I know is not fat, because I'm 6 feet tall. I've lost 15 lbs in the last two plus months, since my mom's final diagnosis. In fact, I have to go see my internist this Wed. I doubt he's going to yell at me about my weight. I've had little appetite since my mom died.

Part of the problem is my father. He takes no responsiblity for anything he did to me, or what he did to hurt or harm my life. The tax problems retarded me. He keeps saying "You have a shot". Its like.. he's saying "You've fucked up until now, but now you can work your way out of it".



What BrightEyes said about having grandchildren to satisfy one's parents is true. I do know that my ex best friend's mother wanted him to have children so she could have grandchildren she was close to, as she had no relationship with her daughter's kids. If I have kids, I just cant help think that if I have kids, my father will love it, thinking that he "won", because he has grandchildren, and my mom died before seeing them.

I'm appreciative that I havent been raked over the coals with this thread. Thanks to all of you. I really appreciate it.,

Mitch

 

[Gentle_Ben]

Mitch, sorry to hear of your mum passing away, I can’t imagine how hard that must be. In terms of marriage and relationships, you shouldn’t feel pressured to do this for anyone else’s sake. The only reason to get married/enter into a relationship is because you’ve met someone you care about and who cares about you- and this can happen to anyone. Now might not be the best time to burden yourself with the expectations of others, even though you want to make them happy. I think you’re doing very well, I’m not sure how well I’d cope in same situation. I hope you find what you’re looking for and all the best for the future.

 

[evilwomanhehe]

Mitch, you need some time to clear the air and start fresh. It is NOT a good time to think about all of this. You are going through a guilt stage---it is normal. Please, let time heal.

~Victoria

 

[Mitchell]

Ben, thanks for your insight, and I understand what you're saying.

Victoria, thank you. I know you are right. My brain is racing, and I shouldnt be thinking about this, I know. As I said, it was a depressed rant, fueled by ongoing nights of insanity, until I move.,

Mitch

 

[Wolf]

Give yourself a break, man.
You're still in mourning, and everyone's grief process is different.
Your aunt is right. This simply isn't the time to be worrying about such things, and eventually, things in your life will start settling back into place.

 

[Mitchell]

Thanks, Wolf. I appreciate your insight, and I know what you're saying is true. It may start to get better when I move back to NY. Right now, living here in this apartment, that I lived with my mom for thirteen years, amongst her things, is excruciating.

Mitch

 

[GQguy]

You've lost more than most. You lost your mom and your "wife". As in from what you've told us you guys shared a very close relationship. What most men share with their wives you shared with your mom. A double whammy in losing her. All guys have this relationship with mom, but cut it off as they start to date. Some keep it going longer than others.

You need time to chill and work on yourself. You can't even start a successful relationship if you're not put together mentally yet. Relax.

Blame....Stop blaming your father. He holds the key to help you make your dreams come true. Most fathers would consider their job done by now but he's still in the trenches with you. Very fortunate indeed. Blaming him for YOUR life at this age will do no good for anyone.


Here's an important question. How's the job search going? Any idea of what you want/could do? Do you have a resume put together? Any idea of where you want to live? Are you going to any baseball games once you get to NYC?

GQ

 

[coldneck]

You've lost more than most. You lost your mom and your "wife". As in from what you've told us you guys shared a very close relationship. What most men share with their wives you shared with your mom. A double whammy in losing her. All guys have this relationship with mom, but cut it off as they start to date. Some keep it going longer than others.

GQ

You are absolutely 100% correct, but you're giving me the heebie-jeebies and freaking me out ... and Halloween isn't for another 6 months!

I believe you've gotta love yourself before you can expect anyone to return romantic love.
Self-confidence is a huge part of it. No one wants to be with a sad sack who constantly complains about their lot in life and blames others for where they ended up.

Taking control of your life i.e. getting your own place and supporting yourself goes a long way towards that.
You don't just wake up one day and decide "I think I'll enter into a serious relationship, get married and have kids".
It's a process, a natural progression.

GQ has given some sage advice.
Take care of the immediate issues first before jumping ahead to an imagined scenario of events.
You're entirely too focused on your anger toward your father and who "wins", which will only cause more resentment and hardship.

Your father is right, you "have a shot" to put your life together, and he's the one giving it to you.
It's up to you to seize the opportunity and move forward.

 

[Mitchell]

GQ, two things..

One.. my mom was not my wife, she was my mom. We worked together and lived together, period, because of circumstance.

As for my father.. whether people want to accept it or not.. he did things to me that impeded my life. I'm moving past that. I've met his wife, and talked to his brother, in the same day that I buried my mom. If that isnt moving past, I dont know what is.

As for "job search", I cant do anything until I've actually physically moved to NY. That will be anywhere between late May and Early June. I have a few contacts who can help me, and plan to contact those people first. I dont even have an apartment yet. I'm going to move into a temporary place, and put my things away, before making it permanent.

I accept my responsibility for what I did, not enough motivation. My father refuses to accept his, but I have to move past that. I think maybe, with my mom gone, he wont resent me as much, but.. he also said to me last week, "If its best for your life to tell me to go fuck myself, do it", Parents shouldnt say that to their children. My mom would say "We have issues, and need to work through them". I have no reason to believe that another estrangement between he and I is going to happen, simply because there should be no more resentment on his part. My mom is gone, his alimony payments are over, and I'm seeing his family.

Right now I have to focus on packing, and getting out of Lancaster. Once that happens, things should get better

Mitch

 

[GQguy]

You are absolutely 100% correct, but you're giving me the heebie-jeebies and freaking me out ... and Halloween isn't for another 6 months!

Haha! No heebie-jeebies! A guys first love is his mom. Valentines day...we got our mom's gifts. We all did as guys raised by our mothers. Friday nights as a teen, dinner with mom. I got my license and all of a sudden i'm spending time with girls. Mom is no longer the one telling me i'm handsome, the girl in English class is. Mom is no-longer the one I tell my dreams to, the gf gets that. Saturday night is no longer spent watching a movie with mom, it's my girl that gets that time now. I'm upset, and I don't call mom, I tell my girl. Mom plays one role, and girl plays another. So when Mitch lost his mom(from the very outside looking in of course) I see that he lost both of those roles. To experience what he's feeling right now I'd have to lose my career, my girl and my mom at the same time.

 

[Sandrock74]

Not to be the wet blanket here, but not everyone is meant for marriage and/or having kids. That's not a "bad" thing, it's just one of those "it is what it is" things. Stop worrying about that kind of stuff and just concentrate on living your life to its fullest. Be happy. Whatever may come from that, will come.

 

[GQguy]

GQ, two things..

One.. my mom was not my wife, she was my mom. We worked together and lived together, period, because of circumstance.

I think maybe, with my mom gone, he wont resent me as much, but.. he also said to me last week, "If its best for your life to tell me to go fuck myself, do it", Parents shouldnt say that to their children.

Mitch

I wasn't saying your mom was your wife. I'm saying that she was more than just your mom and replaces alot of the roles a significant other would play in your life. Read my response to Coldneck to get what I mean. Forgive me for the ambiguity.

As for your dad saying "If its best for your life to tell me to go fuck myself, do it". I see it differently. That is true love. It's saying IMHO "If i'm the one ruining your life, keep me out of it and do what you need to do to be happy, even if your decision makes me unhappy. My happiness is your happiness even if it means not having my only son."

I never told my dad "go fuck himself" but I did genuinely feel like he was impeding my development. He would routinely crush my self esteem. So I pushed him away and without someone killing my self esteem I built a life for myself with no one's help. I'm a man that takes care of others. Not the other way around. I'm better for it. Sometimes mom and dad can hold you back from your true potential. Your dad realizes that and gives you that option with his blessing. You're lucky to have him.

GQ

 

[coldneck]

One.. my mom was not my wife, she was my mom. We worked together and lived together, period, because of circumstance.

Circumstance has nothing to do with it. It was by choice. It was not an accident

As for my father.. whether people want to accept it or not.. he did things to me that impeded my life. I'm moving past that.

Hardly. Every other post you make rips your father for what "he did to you". That's not moving on.

As for "job search", I cant do anything until I've actually physically moved to NY.

What?! You can do plenty. Get your resume updated. Sign up with Monster.com or CareerBuilder. Put up a Linked-In profile. Conduct job searches from your current apt. Apply for a position you find interesting. Conduct telephone or Skype interviews. There's a lot you can do to set the table before moving. It just takes some motivation.

I accept my responsibility for what I did, not enough motivation.

See above.

My father refuses to accept his, but I have to move past that. I think maybe, with my mom gone, he wont resent me as much, but.. he also said to me last week, "If its best for your life to tell me to go fuck myself, do it", Parents shouldnt say that to their children.

You are not a child, you're an adult, suffering from a severe case of arrested development. Time to grow up and take charge of your life.

I have no reason to believe that another estrangement between he and I is going to happen, simply because there should be no more resentment on his part.

Really?! I think it's very likely. Your relationship with your father is a ticking time bomb. There's a lot of resentment on both sides. Just because you are dependent on him to survive doesn't mean it will all work itself out. You have major hurdles to overcome if you are going to have a healthy Father-Son adult relationship. Your father wants you to get off your ass and be productive. Not an unreasonable request. Most dads are like that. Mine was.

Right now I have to focus on packing, and getting out of Lancaster.

Realistically, it shouldn't take months to pack up an apartment and move. Motivation is your friend. Procrastination is not. Get Moving! Literally. [/QUOTE]

 

[Mitchell]

One other point I want to make..

I've posted on here how I'm in touch with my uncle again after 25 years. Things are going great. In fact, my dad and I are going to take a trip to see him in Vegas, as soon as my dad sells his company.

My uncle is a very no nonsense individual. If I was slacking, he would tell me. In his first conversation with me, my uncle told me how he felt I had really been through a lot, having dealt with my mom's illness all alone. His words were "Mitch, take your time in getting out, and dont let dad tell you to do everything yesterday". I appreciated that, but knowing my uncle as I do, if he'd felt I should move my ass and pack, he'd have told me.

My still living here is partially my fault, but my dad says he understands. I know that I could have been packing while my mom was sick, but my dad says he understands why I couldnt handle it then. Now, he realizes I'm in mourning, and he also wants to come down here before I pack, to see what things have value, that i can sell to raise money. Trust me, I want to get out of here, and I know that if I'm living here a minute past June 1st, I will be accountable for that. Thats not going to happen.

Mitch

 

[Mitchell]

Thank you, Dr. I agree that it might not take two or three months. By six weeks from now, i will be out of here. Psychologically, that will help.

Mitch

 

[Mitchell]

Sandrock makes an interesting point about marriage and kids not being for everyone. My ex best friend swore he didnt even want a relationship, until he met the girl that he broke up our friendship for.

When I was happier, before my mom got sick and died, I did want to have a relationship. I'll see girls,. or female bare feet, or a girl being tickled, and think... "I want that". I'm just so tired from everything that's gone on with my life the last couple of years, that I dont want the emotional responsibility of having to take care of someone else, or of hearing my faults, or that I suck.. all the time.

The creepy thing is.. at midnight this past Jan 1st, when I said Happy New Year to my mom, I told her I prayed that she would be there next New Years, and that next New Years, I'd have a girl to kiss at midnight. Six weeks later, we found out she had brain cancer, and three months later, she died. Will I have a girl to kiss Happy New Year at midnight this Dec 31? I'd have six months to try and find someone. I'm just not sure if I'll be up for it by then,.. or when.. or if.. I will.,

Mitch

 

[GQguy]

I'm in pilot training right now, and it's stressful as all hell. People getting cut from the program left and right. Each mistake you make could be fatal. People ask me, "when are you and your girl getting married?". Huh? As soon as I get a full weekend off and a full nights sleep. Maybe after I finish this program.....alive.


The point i'm trying to make is it's tough to think about the future with someone else when your future isn't even certain yourself. I push that kind of talk out of my head and focus on the task at hand. When a man is settled then he'll look for a real mate to settle with. It happens in the animal kingdom too. The male will get his den hooked up before he finds a chic to put in it. On the flip side a male will be hard pressed to find a female without the ability to take care of them.


I'm giving you a homework assignment:

Create a profile on this website for job networking. Put down relevant skills and desired work. Work experience ect. http://www.linkedin.com/

Create a job profile on Jobs.com Careerbuilder.com and monster.com. Finding a job on your own will be one step towards independence. If you need dad's help...fine. But it will be better if you do it on your own. Trust me. You'll earn the respect of your father, your peers and most importantly yourself. And your job should dictate where and how you live.

I want you to join an activity group. Something physical preferably. A dance group would be ideal. Learn ballroom, salsa ect. If that's not your thing a running group. Hell, anything to get you out of the house and meeting people. It could be a nerdy lord of the rings group. Just something that will help create new friendships. Guys and girls.

Get to it!

GQ

 

[Mitchell]

Thanks for the advice. It would be counterproductive for me to create a profile on that site, until I'm settled in NY.

Once I get there, get an apartment, etc, absolutely, and I'm also going to join a gym or a Y, etc. Swim, weightlift, situps, etc, even slowly.

The whole moving and being in limbo is the thing. Once I move, things will be different.

Mitch

 

[GQguy]

*Sigh*

 

[Mitchell]

Why, "sigh", GQ? Let me ask you... where am I living in this profile? What kind of work am I looking for? I need to get an apartment, a phone number, assistance with a resume, etc etc. I'm not going to interview for jobs in NY every day, when I'm still living in Lancaster, PA.

The thing I blame myself for is that I should have been preparing myself while my mom was terminally ill. Being here is very difficult. This will be rectified very soon. I'll be very surprised if life isnt far better for me when I'm finally out of here.

Mitch

 

[GQguy]

You're living in: NYC (or where the jobs are)

Work you're looking for: (when I was unemployed...anything) But you can put out whatever you want to do.

A phone number: Use your cell

Resume assistance: Now we're talkin! Use this resume to start as a template. It accounts for employment gaps. http://www.dummies.com/how-to/content/sample-resume-for-a-worker-with-an-employment-gap0.html You can likely find a better one by googleing "resume template employment gaps"

You're not likely to find a job right away. But if you start looking you'll get a better idea of what the job market demands at the moment. Who knows, you might get a job right away. I'm sure your dad would help out in getting you a ride to the interview if it did happen.


I *sighed* because your attitude reminds me of my brother. He's not happy either. He wants the things that I have respect, fun, friends, money, a life ect. He wants what every man wants....to be his own master. But his own attitude holds him back. We are estranged as a result despite the fact that I'm the only one that truly believes he can get it together and holds him accountable as a man. Not just a boy. But.....I'm also aware of the attitude that will get him out of his funk and it starts with him doing the right things. Steps in the right direction. Accountability for one's life and one's future. Self reliance. A can do attitude. He's a smart guy, but his current attitude has him blaming everyone else for his problems. He always has an excuse. He has no job, because he thinks he's better than anything his experience can get him. He wants my respect, yet he lives off my mom and dad while they should be saving for retirement. A responsibility that will ultimately fall on my shoulders. He doesn't have any friends because anyone that is honest with him becomes branded an "enemy". He always says "they don't understand" and that's why he's alone. I want soooooooooooo much more for him. It sucks to watch someone you grew up with waste his life.

You're not my brother. I don't even know you. You of course can do whatever you like. I can hope for the best for my brother....I can even hold his hand for him. But if he doesn't take those steps to improve his life they will never happen. My advice which carries the theme of "if you're not moving forward you're moving backward" has fallen on many deaf ears and that's ok. But my ears are deaf too when he complains about the aspects of his life that are a direct result of his inaction.

When I talk to you I speak like I would my brother. Actually I wish every piece of advice/encouragement i've given to you regarding/ moving forward could be relayed to him.

I wish you the best man. I realize now there's nothing I can say to you or your brother to get on your feet. No one gave me advice to do it, and if I really didn't want to how can a brother or a random guy on the internet motivate me to. I'll be there for my younger brother when he wants to join the rest of us. If you want to talk about how to solve your problems and move forward I'm your man. I've devoted my life to the development of those around me. It's my passion. But I won't urge someone to solve their problems. I'm sorry for trying that. I get a little carried away at times.


GQ

 

[Mitchell]

I see your point.. but.. I'm not living in NYC for another six weeks. My cell number is 717 Lancaster, PA.

One soiution, without saying who it is.. is that maybe I can use my father's cell or home number. I can just say something like I've just moved up from PA, and I'm staying with him for a short time while I find an apartment.

I want to discuss this with a job/career counselor first. I see your point, and all I can say is I'm going to do this ASAP,

Mitch