Marriage.. Relationship.., No..

[Mitchell]

I have news for all the "well meaning" posters in this thread...

Everyone deals with death differently, especially caregivers, and immediate next of kin. Some have no or little reaction, others flask out at family, friends.. etc. Still others just like to have time to themselves, and others like to vent.

When my paternal grandfather died of cancer, my grandmother wrote me a letter, telling me I "inflicted harm on a suffering man on the way to his grave", because she felt I behaved in a way she didnt like. I was.. 12.. My father termed her to be "Guilty with an explanation", and told me the doctors were more worried about her than about my grandfather. I was enraged with her, for years, and never really forgave her for the letter, because she never really apologized, until I myself began to deal with my mom's illness. At that point, while I havent lashed out at my family, my perspective changed.

I told my father right after my mom;'s funeral. "I still think Grandma was wrong for attacking a 12 year old, but I understand the stress she had as a caregiver to grandpa , because of what I went through as a caregiver with mom". Know what? He thanked me, and told me I was right. Like I've said all along to all the "well meaners" in this thread, you dont know what its like to be in someone's shoes, until you're in them. If my parents had been married, and my dad had helped me with my mom. If I lived in NY, and my family had been around to be with me when my mom died. If my ex best friend and I hadnt split up, maybe things would have been far different. After dealing with my mom's illness, 100% alone, she died in my arms, as we were alone in the room, just she and I. A Dr came in, pronounced her dead, and I called my dad at 6am. His first words to me were. "Mitch, my heart goes out to you, I'm sorry, and Cheryl and I are here for you, whatever you need". He was true to his word. Cheryl wanted to come to the funeral, but my aunt thought it not right.. since I hadnt met Cheryl, and my mom and Cheryl never knew each other. I explained this to my dad, she didnt come, I met her later that night at Passover Seder, and she was really nice to me.

It really is pointless to argue in this thread. I cant get anywhere. The best thing is not to post anything. I need to restrain myself, and I will,.

Mitch

 

[Wolf]

I have news for all the "well meaning" posters in this thread...

Everyone deals with death differently, especially caregivers, and immediate next of kin. Some have no or little reaction, others flask out at family, friends.. etc. Still others just like to have time to themselves, and others like to vent.

When my paternal grandfather died of cancer, my grandmother wrote me a letter, telling me I "inflicted harm on a suffering man on the way to his grave", because she felt I behaved in a way she didnt like. I was.. 12.. My father termed her to be "Guilty with an explanation", and told me the doctors were more worried about her than about my grandfather. I was enraged with her, for years, and never really forgave her for the letter, because she never really apologized, until I myself began to deal with my mom's illness. At that point, while I havent lashed out at my family, my perspective changed.

I told my father right after my mom;'s funeral. "I still think Grandma was wrong for attacking a 12 year old, but I understand the stress she had as a caregiver to grandpa , because of what I went through as a caregiver with mom". Know what? He thanked me, and told me I was right. Like I've said all along to all the "well meaners" in this thread, you dont know what its like to be in someone's shoes, until you're in them. If my parents had been married, and my dad had helped me with my mom. If I lived in NY, and my family had been around to be with me when my mom died. If my ex best friend and I hadnt split up, maybe things would have been far different. After dealing with my mom's illness, 100% alone, she died in my arms, as we were alone in the room, just she and I. A Dr came in, pronounced her dead, and I called my dad at 6am. His first words to me were. "Mitch, my heart goes out to you, I'm sorry, and Cheryl and I are here for you, whatever you need". He was true to his word. Cheryl wanted to come to the funeral, but my aunt thought it not right.. since I hadnt met Cheryl, and my mom and Cheryl never knew each other. I explained this to my dad, she didnt come, I met her later that night at Passover Seder, and she was really nice to me.

It really is pointless to argue in this thread. I cant get anywhere. The best thing is not to post anything. I need to restrain myself, and I will,.

Mitch

I don't think anyone has any right to tell you how to deal with your own grief. It's not like you're hurting anyone by posting.

 

[Mitchell]

Wolf, thank you. Why dont you tell that to coldneck and DAJT? They post against the Golden Rule, thinking it doesnt apply to them, and have no consquence, because, for whatever reason, they choose to think its not a flame. cold and DAJT could ignore my post, but no, they have to attack, and they get away with it, time and time again,.

Mitch

 

[DontAskJusTckle]

* SIGH *

Mitchell was looking for support.
Some of us didn't see the harm in giving it to him,

Fine. And exactly how does a reference to "bromantic Maxim Magazine stories" support him?

and some people think it's kinda crappy to shit on someone who's grieving because it makes them feel better about themselves.

Nobody has done any shitting until you arrived, Pooch. Coldneck, GQ, and others have tried in vain to offer Mitchell sage advice. Not to feel better about themselves, but because they care enough to give him the sound advice he needs instead of just offering him shoulders to cry on. Coldneck is understandably reaching the limits of his patience which is why I subtly and respectfully recommended he withdraw.

Your post to Coldneck on the other hand was nothing more than trolling flame-bait. Nice going.

It's not a surprise whose side you ended up on.

"Whose side??" You make it sound like there's a war going on. I'm on the side of peaceful coexistence, so forgive me if I decline to participate.

Howzabout you take your threadstalking and threadshitting back home to P&R?

I'm afraid I've got nothing like that to take back there. You seem to have cornered the market on those particular commodities.

 

[Wolf]

Wolf, thank you. Why dont you tell that to coldneck and DAJT? They post against the Golden Rule, thinking it doesnt apply to them, and have no consquence, because, for whatever reason, they choose to think its not a flame. cold and DAJT could ignore my post, but no, they have to attack, and they get away with it, time and time again,.

Mitch

I wouldn't worry about it. A little judicious use of the IGNORE function is all you need. No amount of logic or reason, or quoting rules, will dissuade someone who needs to make others feel bad. Rules don't apply when you want to do something that bad.

 

[Wolf]

Fine. And exactly how does a reference to "bromantic Maxim Magazine stories" support him?

Nobody has done any shitting until you arrived, Pooch. Coldneck, GQ, and others have tried in vain to offer Mitchell sage advice. Not to feel better about themselves, but because they care enough to give him the sound advice he needs instead of just offering him shoulders to cry on. Coldneck is understandably reaching the limits of his patience which is why I subtly and respectfully recommended he withdraw.

Your post to Coldneck on the other hand was nothing more than trolling flame-bait. Nice going.

"Whose side??" You make it sound like there's a war going on. I'm on the side of peaceful coexistence, so forgive me if I decline to participate.

I'm afraid I've got nothing like that to take back there. You seem to have cornered the market on those particular commodities.

Mitchell, I am so very sorry. This is MY fault. DontAskJusTckle has been desperate to engage me ever since I left the cesspool of bile that the P&R forum has become. He used my post in here as an excuse to jump in (an emotional concern troll, if you will) and start a fight.

I'm really, really sorry.

 

[Mitchell]

Right DAJT.., you and cold really "care", which is why you post the same shit, in every thread I make, over and over.

Neither of you have ever been my shoulders to cry on, but it matters not.

GQ, to his credit, has been supportive to me at important times, even if I dont agree with everything he says.

I do have both DAJT and cold on ignore, but I click the posts to read them. Probably not advisable.

Mitch

 

[Mitchell]

One other thing..

People dont consider that not only did I lose my mom, and deal with her illness and death all alone. My whole life is going to change.

I've lived in this apartment, and Lancaster.. for 13 years. I have 3 bedrooms, and 1350 sq feet. I go to the same resturants, the same market, sleep in the same room, and watch the same wonderful newscaster,. who I love, Jim Gardner, every night.

Sooo. the situation is. i've not only lost my mom. I have to deal with my father more.. move to what is essentially a strange city, by myself, do new work, meet new friends, and deal with family members who I havent seen for years. If. for example, my past businesses had worked, and I had been able to stay in Lancaster, even if I moved my apartment, my envrionment would have been the same. I'm also going to be living in much smaller quarters in NY, which I've never done, as my family always lived in big places. I';ll have.. 600 sq feet, if I'm lucky, for twice the price I pay here.

I dont expect any of this to mean anything to those "well meaning" people who attacked me, but this is the reality. It matters not. The only way I can combat this.. is not to post. Even if I post that I'm moving in a few short weeks, I'm sure that will get plenty of attacks from the usual suspects as well.

Mitch

 

[Leo tickles]

Mitch, even though they may not be well meaning according to you, it doesn't mean that the things they are saying is wrong. From my personal experience on this thread, I haven't seen ANYTHING said to you that is terrible or wrong.

You posted above that if you get cancer, you won't even tell the forum. Do you want me to link you back to when you said that if your mom dies you wouldn't post that to the forum either? Because I KNOW you said that in a thread that went as this one is going.

You don't need to restrain yourself from posting, you need to accept shit, weather you want to hear it or not. Well meaning or not, accept it. Then sort, dispose of the waste, and keep what you can use.

Otherwise, keep rants to your blog, and don't ask for advice through the main forum... if you ASK for it, people will give... just because its not what you want to hear doesn't make it wrong or not well meaning.

 

[Mitchell]

Leo, look at my replies to this thread.. the only people I really got pissed at were cold and DAJT, because of their pattern of things they say to me. You might not think they're wrong, but, if it was you they were saying that to, you might feel differently.

I already accepted responsibility for posting this thread. It was not necessary for me to post it.

As for the thread about my mom's death, yes, I needed support with that, and, I've already said that I appreciated the support with that. That is a completely different thing.

Guess what? My father told me tonight that he thinks I need to get out of here and move ASAP. He said that living in this apartment, for 13 years, now without my mom, amongst her things, has got to be emotionally draining. I agree. I've had my few weeks to chill, and I'm prepared to move as fast as I possibly can.

I keep thinking of what will happen in my life next..major to cause me to want to post. My mom is dead. Other than that, and the marriage and relationship thread, what else have I posted lately? I'm talking to my father and his family. Do people really think that if I run into problems with them, I'll post it, so threads like this can happen again. I already know that I dont feel the same way about any of them as I did about my mom. EVERYONE who knew my mom, from her friends, to our family, told me that she loved me more than life itself. Maybe my relationship with her was different than most, but, look at the circumstances. When one basically has no father, as I didnt for so many years, they havent had a gf in a long time,, they live with the person who loves them so much, and then are that person's caregiver for two years when they are ill, and that person dies, of course they might develop a closer bond than most to that person. My own internist said that I had a different relationship with her than most, but no relationships are the same. We were close, and she was my mom, my roommate, and my friend. Trust me, I didnt listen to her. I saw my father, many times, when she advised me against it. She advised me to get rid of someone (a girl) who ended up turning her back on me when my mom was sick. And.. she advised me to leave the forum, many times, if I posted threads like this, and got this reaction. I didnt listen, did I? I'm still here, right?

I dont think its realistic to think that anyone who had the relationship with her that I did, and the relationship with my father that I do, would be over her passing away just three weeks after it happened. The crazy thing is.. while I of course know she died three weeks ago, for some of that time, while I knew it, I guess I didnt want to accept it. It's now really sinking in. She';s gone, she's never coming home. All I have left of her is photographs and wonderful memories. It also has nothing to do with age or living circumstance. My mom had lived in her own place for 30 years when my grandmother died, and my mom told me it took her a year to get over it, and finally accept it. There were times my mom said she used to pick up the phone to call my grandmother after my grandmother died. My father told me last week that the same happened with his mother right after she died. Death is a very trauamatic thing, and people deal with it differently.

We'll see how long this thread goes on. All I can say, is that I know who is really well meaning, and who isnt.

Mitch

 

[Leo tickles]

I'm starting to believe that you are a troll who's been trolling this forum for years......


Nobody expects you to be over your mom dying. What people do expect of you (other than the people enabling you) is SOMETHING more than an epiphany every couple of months only to never act on them. Look at your post history. EVERYTHING. This is a blog that you want people to talk back on, yet when they say something other than good job or I'm sorry, you do THIS. What is this? LOOK AT IT. You are refusing to take anything but I'm sorry and good job Mitch.

There is no getting you to understand that things you have fucked up aren't fixed with "I know I fucked up"... they are fixed with ACTION. Action on your own terms. Your own money. Your own LIFE. Being around friends and family at a time like this is good.... but the life you had with your mom before this, and the life that you may have, should your dad and relatives allow it with them, isn't.

I don't understand why you can't accept that you need to do something about your life other than post about it on here..... but for your sake, I hope you get it soon.

 

[GQguy]

I'm going to be honest here.

From my vantage point no one has violated the golden rule. Mitch, we want to see you mature and have the life you want. Your attitude holds you back. You need a total attitude adjustment because the one you've had ain't working. If I had your attitude on life I'd be homeless and without friends.


Each thread you post of this nature where you complain about life will attract two kinds of people: those that pity you, and by pity they're not pitying your circumstances but your attitude. All 200,000 members of the TMF will lose their mothers and all of those mothers are equally great as yours, no disrespect . The other set of people are the ones that willbe honest with you. They'll tell you not what you want to hear but what you need to hear to realize your goals.

Pity is ok in doses, sometimes life gives you a shitty hand(you have not been given a shitty hand by any stretch) but one can never Respect those they pity. You'll find this problematic in friendships and especially romantic relationships.

I've always wondered what it would be like to grow old alone and this is the formula for it. We don't want to see that happen so some us splash the proverbial glass of cold water in the face, but their language is too crass to be recieved by you. Understandable. One must tailor their message to the individual receiving it. Coldneck's language would work for me, bluntness helps me to appreciate the severity of a situation.

If I could get Mitch a job, apt, driver liscence, car and a few women to teach him how to date I would. That way he'd enjoy life as I/we do and garner the respect from his peers including his father. But I worked hard for my lifestyle. A man must be willing to work and take risk to get it. I wish TMF text could move hands to action but they can't.

Call me a troll. But I guarantee that anyone that any independent man or woman if given the details and pressed for honesty would come to the same conclusion most have here: your attitude needs to change or stay as you are. I bet that last decade living with your mom flew by....think the next 10 years will go any slower?

I'm not sure why you post these threads knowing how they turn out. Your reaction to them shows you don't want the truth yet you keep posting these threads. People are going to be real with you.

GQ

 

[Mitchell]

GQ, as I said in the past, I dont have a problem with honesty such as yours. Look at my reaction to your post, and to coldneck's and DAJT's posts. They are completely different.

Many times, as much as she loved me, my mom used to go off on me about obsessing over things that didnt matter. Remember all the threads I posted about my driver on here? I used to drive her nuts, to the point of screaming at me, about how bad he was, and to fire him. Turns out, he really went over and above for us. He drove my mom 300 miles round trip a week to NJ to get the treatment offered there, even though the treatment didnt work, and she has died. He will stay with me until I move to NY. We will part ways as friends, keep in touch, and I'm going to give him a good reference letter and going away present, for his loyalty to me all these years.

By no means do I say I'm right about everything. Just this month, I was proven utterly wrong about both my father's wife, and my uncle. I hated them/refused to see them for years. Know what? I approached my father's wife, explaining myself, and apologizing, and she was very gracious. After my mom died, my uncle wrote me a letter expressing his condolences, and telling me only one thing.. please be honest and work through things, and live in the present, and not the past. If I had it to do over again, I would have reacted differently toward both of them. Know what? I told them both if we have disagreement, we need to sit down, and work it out like adults, and not estrange.

I know you mean well, GQ. I've never really gotten angry at you for things you said. Sometimes its not only what one says, but how they say it, which matters.

We'll see where this thread goes next.,

Mitch

 

[Mitchell]

One other thing, GQ.

Do you really think I'm supposed to believe that coldneck was well meaning when he predicted another estrangement between my father and me? What the hell is well meaning about that, especially after I had just lost my mother? There is absolutely NOTHING to indicate that an estrangement between my father and me is going to happen. He calls me every day, is going to come down here next weekend to help me pack, and help me get set up in NY. I am talking to his family, and we are not fighting. If cold was so "well meaning" he would have said something like "Gee, Mitch, you're having a hard time. Hopefully you can work things through with your dad, and get your life on track, and maybe you need to talk to someone ( A counselor). Cold said NONE of those things!

As I said,. I'm not going to change the minds of the posters in this thread. Well meaning advice, sure I'll listen. "advice" or "predictions" like cold has given me. That stuff I will discount.

Mitch

 

[RobAce]

Ok. I have not said a lot to you Mitch, for many of the reasons stated in this thread. Also I wanted to show compassion and sometimes the best things are left unsaid. But before I say what is on my mind let me first offer my and my family condolences to you and yours. I say that with no malice, ill-will or poorly timed intent.

Now.

Mitch....seriously, STOP. Seriously. People hoped when your mom (rest her soul) passed on, you would be at peace and move on. But you have not. Many people..including more than a few who have spoken to you publicly wish you would stop. All of this drama, and yes....this is indeed drama, is doing more harm than good. Even the nicest people have a breaking point where they finally step back and say "WOW, Seriously...not again". That is the point I have reached and I am finding myself having to type this post because I feel I have to say something. You are STRESSING a lot of your friends out. Those people who come in your posts and defend you, offer their sympathies time and time and time and time and time again. They are STRESSED to the limit. Why, because you offer them no break from the trials and tribulations of your life. These people who care about you deserve some down time. And if you love and enjoy these people as friends perhaps you can see into your self and decide, my friends have stuck by me and I do not want to be a burden or a manner of stress in their life. Let me back off, collect myself and start managing my life without the constant stream of updates that many people are starting to get annoyed over.

Mitchell, I know and can tell you loved your mother. But 3 weeks and you still have not stopped posting about it. Many other members here have had wonderful mothers/fathers/sons/daughters, made a post or two and a week later did not bring it up. And its not because you love your mother more than they loved the person they lost...its because they understand their friends would not want to read about it day after day after day. I think 99% of this forum has been supportive and well meaning. But I really think you are taking advantage of many peoples tolerance, civility, patience and compassion.

Somewhere you posted to someone....I lost my mom only three weeks ago, show some compassion...or something along those lines. You need to think about that in context. 3 weeks...21 days. And yet you are still posting as if it was yesterday. How long should everyone walk on eggshells around you? How long until you decide enough is enough.

Let me tell you this man to man Mitch. It will not stop hurting. I lost someone who I loved more than anyone. Someone who protected me, taught me my faith, my heritage and how to look in a mirror and be happy with what I see. I still grieve for my grandmother to this day. Only I control how I feel no matter how anyone treats me or her memory and that is my message to you.

The pain does not stop, but you can learn to control it. If you don't you will stress out, have a heart attack or other medical issues that may complicate what you have now.

Your mother wants you to be happy. Let me repeat that...your mother wants you to be happy.
I assure you. Find that happiness Mitchell. Find it.

Sincerely,

Rob

 

[Mitchell]

Rob, I know you have no ill intent.

As for stop posting about my mother.. This is my reply..

This thread.. as I said before.. was unneccessary. I posted it as a depressed rant, on a night i was feeling really badly., I've already admitted that.

In the thread about my mom;'s passing,.,. some people posted condolences late, and I replied. Tell you what.. lets see how long this thread goes on without me posting in it, if I stop posting in it.

I've admitted I've made mistakes, but I also dont think I'm all to blame.

Mitch

 

[Leo tickles]

Step by step, Mitch, please answer the following questions.

1: In your opinion, what are the well meaning people saying?
2: In your opinion, what are the non well meaning people saying?
3: Do you see ANY similarities between what both partied are saying?
4: Do you understand why your attitude is self defeating? If yes, explain, if no, explain.


I'm going with a big effort to break this down for me, you, and all of your friends here that care to see it. I am doing this to try and help you. We will continue after you reply to this. Let's get some progress going. During this, I will attempt to use terms such as "well meaning" as you use them, so you can understand what I mean better and to be specific in my questions.

 

[GQguy]

Not sure who is worse, us or Mitch. He keeps posting the same threads and we keep getting baited into responding to them. Who is the troll? We need to take our own advice. We complain that Mitch blames others for his life and we try to teach him the importance of "control what you can control". Well we don't and probably shouldn't answer to these threads anymore. We know the outcome. Advice ignored followed by excuse and some blame sprinkled for good measure. Despite hours spent posting in these threads we haven't made a dent. Let's throw in the towel on this one gentlemen. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink the kool aide. Mitch is most content where he is as is.

I'd say a good 20% of my posts have been in response to Mitch, and several years later he's still in the same spot. Nothing is going to change but our behavior.


GQ

 

[Leo tickles]

Not sure who is worse, us or Mitch. He keeps posting the same threads and we keep getting baited into responding to them. Who is the troll? We need to take our own advice. We complain that Mitch blames others for his life and we try to teach him the importance of "control what you can control". Well we don't and probably shouldn't answer to these threads anymore. We know the outcome. Advice ignored followed by excuse and some blame sprinkled for good measure. Despite hours spent posting in these threads we haven't made a dent. Let's throw in the towel on this one gentlemen. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink the kool aide. Mitch is most content where he is as is.

I'd say a good 20% of my posts have been in response to Mitch, and several years later he's still in the same spot. Nothing is going to change but our behavior.


GQ

After this last attempt by me, I was going to post something very similar to that. So naturally, I agree. Well said.

 

[Mitchell]

Okay, Leo. I will answer your questions step by step.

1. The well meaning people.. (You, GQ, etc) are telling me not to post threads like this, or rant on about things that are unneeded. You are telling me to take control of my life by not posting threads like this.

2. The non well meaning people. (coldneck, specifically, and also DAJT to a point). Why would coldneck predict that my father and I will end up estranged again? Where was any of this anything about my father? The first thread was about my mom's death, and this thread was the ill advised marriage relationship thread.

3. While I do see certain similarites between what both parties are saying, I again say that I view who is well meaning, and who isnt.

4. I do understand to a point why my attitude is self defeating. On one level, I post threads that often get the same reactions, or bait trolls.,

As I said before, this specific thread that I'm posting in now was ill advised. Tell you what, Leo, I'll apologize for posting this particular thread that I'm writing in now.. I'M SORRY FOR POSTING THIS THREAD. (Caps to emphasize my point). Again, in the thread about my mom's passing, I have responded to some people's late condolences.

I hope I answered all your questions.

Mitch

 

[Leo tickles]

Okay, Leo. I will answer your questions step by step.

1. The well meaning people.. (You, GQ, etc) are telling me not to post threads like this, or rant on about things that are unneeded. You are telling me to take control of my life by not posting threads like this.

2. The non well meaning people. (coldneck, specifically, and also DAJT to a point). Why would coldneck predict that my father and I will end up estranged again? Where was any of this anything about my father? The first thread was about my mom's death, and this thread was the ill advised marriage relationship thread.

3. While I do see certain similarites between what both parties are saying, I again say that I view who is well meaning, and who isnt.

4. I do understand to a point why my attitude is self defeating. On one level, I post threads that often get the same reactions, or bait trolls.,

As I said before, this specific thread that I'm posting in now was ill advised. Tell you what, Leo, I'll apologize for posting this particular thread that I'm writing in now.. I'M SORRY FOR POSTING THIS THREAD. (Caps to emphasize my point). Again, in the thread about my mom's passing, I have responded to some people's late condolences.

I hope I answered all your questions.

Mitch

Okay, now let me break one of those answers down at a time. If something is unclear, or you don't understand what I mean, type the number of my response and I will try to explain better.

1: I can't speak for anybody but myself, but I don't necessarily mean stop posting threads like this. What I mean is, in general life, outside of this forum here, you need to take control of your life as you said. There is no specific how that can be named, as your situation is more complicated than some would give you credit for. At the same time, your situation, while complicated, isn't impossible to resolve. When I say take a hold of your life, I am talking about things like moving, career, standing on your own two feet financially, and being/feeling better without constant praise from dad/us/whatever.

2: As you know, you post a lot about your father. Maybe not recently, but in the past. I can remember a few years ago, way before your mom had cancer back when you visited the TMF chat you were talking about you and your dad meeting again. I can't speak for him, but my belief is that he is going off of the history between you and your dad. As you, it is easy to see the differences between then and now. As an outsider, as we technically all are, it is hard. In bad domestic situations, history often repeats itself. Can you understand better why he may have made that prediction?

3: If you can recognize that there are some similarities, try exploring the not well meaning posts a bit more and thinking about them beyond your initial reaction of anger. Let me know if you find something in them that may be worthwhile. Remember, look past the anger and read each word carefully and consider why somebody said what they did.

4: Again, as number one, it is not about threads here. It is overall. You are choosing to play the victim. I don't have to be in your shoes to understand that losing your mom is hard. But I'm asking you to step into my shows in the sense that life sucks for everybody at points, but I picked mine up, as I want you to do for your own sake.

You don't have to apologize for posting this thread. You need to examine it fully and understand why things turned out as they did here. Understand that this isn't about this or any other thread, but about your life in general. You let everybody far into your life searching for support, advice, and a place to vent. You got support. You got advice. You vented. But if you don't DO anything with the advice that people are giving, you are going to keep making depressed threads because things won't get better. I'm not saying follow what you see here or anywhere else down to a T, no. Just relax on getting defensive and realize that not everything is an attack. If you make it one, you'll never change the things you need to.

 

[Mitchell]

I understand what you are saying, Leo. I was thinking about one thing, though, and what I';m about to say in this post is true.

While I realize this thread turned into a nightmare, how about people look at how I have changed since before dealing with the thing with my mom's death.

Rants about my father: Even before I called him, I believe the Demonic Letter one was the last thread about him. A year ago.

P and R: I dont go there anymore, for several reasons. One, I'm not very interested in politics anymore. Two, I know it causes too many fights, and I have been personally attacked in there too.

Stories that used to annoy people and get flamed. I dont do them anymore. In fact,. I dont even talk to the people I wrote the stories for anymore.

Messages to girls: Few and far between. Not only because I almost got banned. That was years ago. Also because most girls get 1,000 messages when they first join, and messaging them not to get replies,seems pointless.

About what cold said with an estrangement from my father.. Yes, of course I know history repeats itself. However, there is one major difference now than before. In the past, ,my father gave me his wraith because I was unyielding in refusing to see his family, and also because he resented paying alimony to my mom. Those are two huge differences now. I am seeing my father's family, and his alimony payments are over, because my mom died. I dont change my belief that cold was not well meaning when he posted that. It doesnt matter. I move on. He said it, mods said its not a violation., I dont agree with or like what he said, I discount it.

One other thing: I'm not over my mom's death in 3 weeks. I dont think that logically anyone can expect that, or have a right to say that I should.

I am going to do something about my life. I'm not staying in Lancaster in the same apartment, doing the same work, and stuck in a rut, am I? I;m moving, going to be getting new work, dealing with my father and his family, meeting new friends, a busier life, and I wont have my mom to lean on anymore. Life is going to be completely different for me.

One other thing that isnt being taken into account. From April 4 on, I dont have my mom with me to go to for advice, or help in dealing with problems. If I got into a fight with my father. I would come home.. and just talk about it with her. She would do the same with me if she had a problem. Now, that is gone. My father has always ranted to my uncle, and friends of his, about terrible Mitch and Sheila. (In his view). I dont have that. I dont have siblings. My mother;s sisters are incapable of dealing with anyone except themselves. I talk to my two best friends about it, a little, but not much.

I'm also realizing that from now on,not only here, but even in real life, I need to lead a more closed life. I meet a girl, she wants to know about me.. Would it really be wise to say that I lived with mom til 42, and was estranged from my father,and had tax problems? Most people would run far away from me if I did that. If I told a girl some of the things my father did to me,the natural reaction would be "If hes so bad, why are you seeing him?".

Leo, as I said, I appreciate advice and sincerity. I know that you, GQ, a coluple of others mean well. I continue in my assertion that cold doesnt.

So, let me ask you: I move back to NY in 2 months. I have a job.. a business.. I'm seeing friends, I make more friends, and I rebuild my life. I'm making due, but things feel weird, and very different, and I'm not thrilled, because the people in my life are meaningless. Is my life a success then?

My plan had been to change my life with my mom still alive, so I could ease into new things. Now that isnt going to happen with her gone. The change is profound, and will continue to be. I'm just going to have to deal with it as best I can.

Mitch

One other thing: One of the not well meaning people told me to get rid of the Laddlerlad signature. Why? Thats been there for years, long before I ever talked about my father, or my mom got sick.

The tribute to my mom: So what? She died. I loved her. Thats a crime?

The day my life changed forever. It did, and it will.

Missing Lancaster, Jim Gardner, and WPVI. The man's newscast has helped me get through tough times, depression, etc for 13 years. When I move back to NY I cant see him again, ever. Why is having that in my signature a bad thing.

Yes, I understand I've done things to cause myself problems. It's not all me. As I said before, there are some well meaning people, but others not well meaning. I see that, and will continue to believe it.

 

[Leo tickles]

I understand what you are saying, Leo. I was thinking about one thing, though, and what I';m about to say in this post is true.

While I realize this thread turned into a nightmare, how about people look at how I have changed since before dealing with the thing with my mom's death.

Rants about my father: Even before I called him, I believe the Demonic Letter one was the last thread about him. A year ago.

P and R: I dont go there anymore, for several reasons. One, I'm not very interested in politics anymore. Two, I know it causes too many fights, and I have been personally attacked in there too.

Stories that used to annoy people and get flamed. I dont do them anymore. In fact,. I dont even talk to the people I wrote the stories for anymore.

Messages to girls: Few and far between. Not only because I almost got banned. That was years ago. Also because most girls get 1,000 messages when they first join, and messaging them not to get replies,seems pointless.

About what cold said with an estrangement from my father.. Yes, of course I know history repeats itself. However, there is one major difference now than before. In the past, ,my father gave me his wraith because I was unyielding in refusing to see his family, and also because he resented paying alimony to my mom. Those are two huge differences now. I am seeing my father's family, and his alimony payments are over, because my mom died. I dont change my belief that cold was not well meaning when he posted that. It doesnt matter. I move on. He said it, mods said its not a violation., I dont agree with or like what he said, I discount it.

One other thing: I'm not over my mom's death in 3 weeks. I dont think that logically anyone can expect that, or have a right to say that I should.

I am going to do something about my life. I'm not staying in Lancaster in the same apartment, doing the same work, and stuck in a rut, am I? I;m moving, going to be getting new work, dealing with my father and his family, meeting new friends, a busier life, and I wont have my mom to lean on anymore. Life is going to be completely different for me.

One other thing that isnt being taken into account. From April 4 on, I dont have my mom with me to go to for advice, or help in dealing with problems. If I got into a fight with my father. I would come home.. and just talk about it with her. She would do the same with me if she had a problem. Now, that is gone. My father has always ranted to my uncle, and friends of his, about terrible Mitch and Sheila. (In his view). I dont have that. I dont have siblings. My mother;s sisters are incapable of dealing with anyone except themselves. I talk to my two best friends about it, a little, but not much.

I'm also realizing that from now on,not only here, but even in real life, I need to lead a more closed life. I meet a girl, she wants to know about me.. Would it really be wise to say that I lived with mom til 42, and was estranged from my father,and had tax problems? Most people would run far away from me if I did that. If I told a girl some of the things my father did to me,the natural reaction would be "If hes so bad, why are you seeing him?".

Leo, as I said, I appreciate advice and sincerity. I know that you, GQ, a coluple of others mean well. I continue in my assertion that cold doesnt.

So, let me ask you: I move back to NY in 2 months. I have a job.. a business.. I'm seeing friends, I make more friends, and I rebuild my life. I'm making due, but things feel weird, and very different, and I'm not thrilled, because the people in my life are meaningless. Is my life a success then?

My plan had been to change my life with my mom still alive, so I could ease into new things. Now that isnt going to happen with her gone. The change is profound, and will continue to be. I'm just going to have to deal with it as best I can.

Mitch

One other thing: One of the not well meaning people told me to get rid of the Laddlerlad signature. Why? Thats been there for years, long before I ever talked about my father, or my mom got sick.

The tribute to my mom: So what? She died. I loved her. Thats a crime?

The day my life changed forever. It did, and it will.

Missing Lancaster, Jim Gardner, and WPVI. The man's newscast has helped me get through tough times, depression, etc for 13 years. When I move back to NY I cant see him again, ever. Why is having that in my signature a bad thing.

Yes, I understand I've done things to cause myself problems. It's not all me. As I said before, there are some well meaning people, but others not well meaning. I see that, and will continue to believe it.

Not telling a girl you meet about your situation is a bad idea. Don't lie to people. Relationships are about letting somebody into your life, not closing it off from them. You let things get to this point, you will have to deal with how people react to it.

As far as your dad and his side being meaningless to you... k then, stop taking their money. Stop asking for their help. At that point, you are a leech with little to no emotion. You take from them without a genuine thank you or care. So.... no, your life won't be better by leeching off of meaningless people.

As far as a business that you have wanted to start for a while now..... keep it in the back of your mind. You need some money NOW... unless you are content with leeching of your dad. Go work 20 hours a week at a fast food joint. When you come home after work, make plans for a business. You can't plan for big money with a business now. It hasn't happened to this point. Change the pattern that you are in financially.

As far as leaning on people for moral support.... for the longest time I didn't have anybody. I was single, depressed, my mom and I were on bad terms. She had my granny, her sister, other family and I had nobody. And what of it? I was used to somebody to lean on at that point, too.

The point is to rely on YOU more than somebody else.... do you understand that?

 

[Mitchell]

Leo, you really dont get it, and I'm not going to try explaining it to you.

You misunderstand. Its not my dad and his family that are meaningless to me, it's ME that is meaningless to THEM! They/he couldnt live without me for 20 years if I wasnt. As for "leeching", he hasnt given me anything, so how am I leeching?. I dont know whats going to happen financially. The guy that drives me suggested today that I should get a job in Lancaster, take a roommate into my apartment to help with the rent, get a cheaper place, not move back to NY, and not deal with my family. If I thought Lancaster was an option for me to stay in socially, or for my life, I'd do that. Unfortunately, I dont think it is. The work opportunties and social opportunities are better in NY, as much as i dont really want to go back there.

Fast food joint? If I was starving, I'd have to. No offense to anyone on the forum who does work in one.. but. I have a bachelor's degree. I think I can do a little better than a fast food joint. I busted my ass at college for four and a half years, and wanted to go to grad school, to do better than that.

As for what I'd have to tell a potential partner. I start off "I lived with mom until she died when I was 42, because my complex oil and gas taxes were undone, leaving me unable to get a job." I dont think I'd want to be with someone who told me that. It doesnt matter. Theres no one on the horizon now.

I really dont know what else to say. This thread will go on for another 2 weeks, guaranteed. Whatever. I dont care anymore.

Mitch

 

[Leo tickles]

Leo, you really dont get it, and I'm not going to try explaining it to you.

You misunderstand. Its not my dad and his family that are meaningless to me, it's ME that is meaningless to THEM! They/he couldnt live without me for 20 years if I wasnt. As for "leeching", he hasnt given me anything, so how am I leeching?. I dont know whats going to happen financially. The guy that drives me suggested today that I should get a job in Lancaster, take a roommate into my apartment to help with the rent, get a cheaper place, not move back to NY, and not deal with my family. If I thought Lancaster was an option for me to stay in socially, or for my life, I'd do that. Unfortunately, I dont think it is. The work opportunties and social opportunities are better in NY, as much as i dont really want to go back there.

Fast food joint? If I was starving, I'd have to. No offense to anyone on the forum who does work in one.. but. I have a bachelor's degree. I think I can do a little better than a fast food joint. I busted my ass at college for four and a half years, and wanted to go to grad school, to do better than that.

As for what I'd have to tell a potential partner. I start off "I lived with mom until she died when I was 42, because my complex oil and gas taxes were undone, leaving me unable to get a job." I dont think I'd want to be with someone who told me that. It doesnt matter. Theres no one on the horizon now.

I really dont know what else to say. This thread will go on for another 2 weeks, guaranteed. Whatever. I dont care anymore.

Mitch

You are meaningless to your dad and his family how? They're helping you right now. How ungrateful can you be and say something like that? Are you to a point where good things that come to you are also bad?

Your degree, yeah, because you've done SO MUCH with it, isn't that right? If you could do better, you would have a long time ago. You never did, and probably won't because you always delay things and put the blame on other people.

Yeah, a potential girl MIGHT run from you.... so your next best thing is to lie... instead of accepting the flaws you have?

I'm done buddy, just ignore this post. You are a lost cause. As Kis once said in a thread of yours, I will support you in my thoughts when I see something like this, but I'm done posting. My efforts are wasted on you as you refuse to see through truth and accept your flaws.

My last word of advice to you is this- learn to be your own person and stop living through people... and stop taking from other people what you'll never (at this rate) give back.