• If you would like to get your account Verified, read this thread
  • The TMF is sponsored by Clips4sale - By supporting them, you're supporting us.
  • >>> If you cannot get into your account email me at [email protected] <<<
    Don't forget to include your username

Official TT Jokes Thread - Read and Post your Jokes Here!

jump school

A young Private home on leave just after jump school was telling his proud father about his experience.

"The first jump is the most intense. I'll never forget it. We're all in the plane wearing our parachutes and gear. The Sergeant was this huge guy and meaner than a rattlesnake! Nobody wanted to jump but the Sergeant wouldn't take "no" for an answer. Finally, there's nobody left but me so the Sergeant told me to go ahead and jump out. I just couldn't do it, Dad."

"What happened next, Son?" asked the Dad.

"Well, he dropped his fatigue pants and whipped out the biggest dick I've ever seen in my life! Then he starts coming toward me and says, "Boy, if you don't jump out of this plane right now, I'm gonna stick my dick up your ass!!"

"Did you jump?" asked Dad.

"A little," was the reply.
 
Glad you liked it 😀

I'd tell you the one about the really high wall...but you'd never get over it.

😛
 
This is my favourite joke...

A little boy runs into his class, two hours late.

The teacher says, 'Why are you so late?'

He says, 'I'm sorry miss, but my dad got burnt.'

The teacher, feeling guilty, says, 'Oh, I'm sorry, is it serious?'

He says, 'Well, they don't fuck about at that crematorium.'

😛
 
Yay, I made someone laugh without tickling their feet 😛

Wait, that's....oh, bugger.
 
Ok, here's one!

Two attorneys are walking down a road when they come upon a naked woman lying on the ground. After considering the situation, one attorney looks at the the other one and says:

"I think we should screw her."

To which the other attorney shrugs and says:

"Out of what?"
 
Karate Dog

Harold's new job had him working really late. He decides to get his wife a watchdog. He goes to the pet store and asks for a doberman.

The employee said, "If its a guard dog you want I have a dog just for you." The man walks to the back of the store to get a dog and comes back with a little poodle.

Harold says, "This small thing, a watch dog? You're kidding, right?"

The employee says, "No, this dog is special; he knows karate."

"Karate? I don't believe it," Harold says.

The employee puts the dog down and says, "Karate the sign." And he points to a sign advertising dog food. The dog runs up and rips the sign to shreds. Harold is amazed at this.

The employee then says, "Karate the chair." And he points to a chair in the corner. The dog runs up and rips the chair to shreds. By now Harold is convinced.

"I'll take him," he says.

When he gets home he surprises his wife and she yells out, "This little thing, a watch dog? No way." Harold says, "But this dog knows karate."

"Karate," she yells. "Karate my ass!"

-- Courtesy of jokesgallery.com
 
An oldie but a goodie, Missy Val! 😀

A funny joke I overheard as a very small child but it stuck with me:

A young man sat down next to an extremely drunken man at a bar. Soon a beautiful woman sits down near them and the young man leans over and says, "Tickle you ass with a feather?"
The woman looks rather disgusted and says "What??"
The young man clears his throat "I said, particularly nasty weather!"
The woman leaves and soon another young lady sits down. The young man leans over again and says "Tickle your ass with a feather?"
This time the woman grins and giggle and the young man leaves with her.
The drunk man watches this in amazment and decides to try this himself. Soon enough a woman sits down near him. He leans over to her and says "umm..stick a feather up your butt?"
"Pardon me?!" the woman gasps.
The drunk man clears his throat and says "I said...gee this weather sure is fucked!"
😀
 
Hee-hee @ all above...

The teacher says to the class, 'Can anyone say a sentence with the word 'contagious' in it?'

A little boy puts his hand up.

'My brother had measles, and mummy kept me away from him, because she said it was contagious.'

A little girl puts her hand up.

'We all laughed at a funny man on telly the other day, because laughter is contagious.'

Another little boy at the back of the class puts his hand up.

'My daddy went out to paint the new fence yesterday, I asked my mummy how long he'd be; mummy said, 'It'll take that c*nt ages.'



I love the sweary ones 😀
 
LOL @ all 😀

Here is one reminsicent of David Letterman's lists ...

Children Books

HERE ARE SOME CHILDREN BOOKS THAT WILL NEVER BE PUBLISHED:
---------------------------------------

"You Were an Accident"

"Strangers Have the Best Candy"

"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It"

"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"

"Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games"

"The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"

"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"

"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"
 
The Marriage Joke

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way. My friends encouraged me and my girlfriend, she was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed. That one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was vivacious twenty years of age and drop-dead gorgeous.

One day, little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't and didn't really want to overcome! She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.

I opened the door, stepped out of the house and walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing just outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We could not ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

The moral of this story: Always keep your condoms in the car.
 
Good, Val! For the effort I'll give you the last line...

"See 'em itty bitty wings?"
 
VIAGRA ADS

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest.

The theme was Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was that they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About seven minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top Ten List.

The top ten were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.

8. Viagra, Like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, home of the whopper!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs.
 
It's been too long since someone posted here 😛

A man goes in for a Rorschach Test given by a psychologist. (you know the test with the inkblots)
The psychologist hols up the first card and the man immediately recognizes it as two giant breasts.
In the second card he sees two women making love.
In the third he sees a closeup of male and female genetalia.
In the fourth he sees a man and a woman "doggie style".
After all 10 cards the psychologist tells the man
"I feel you have an unhealthy obsession with sex."
"Me?" says the man "You're the one showing all the dirty pictures!"
 
These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.

Include your Children when Baking Cookies

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Shot Off Woman's leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Dear Kill 17,000

Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

Air Head Fired

Steals Clock, Faces Time

Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff

Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

-- Courtesy of www.ahajokes.com
 
3 guys are walking through the jungle, adventurers they were. Anyway (i'm so drunk right now) they get stopped by A tribe of jungle peoples, and they capture them. The Chief says "Death or BUNGA BUNGA!" The first guy says "I don't wanna die right now, so... I guess I pick BUNGA BUNGA!" so, the Chief sends this poor man and his greatest 40 warriors out in the woods, and the warriors all take turns raping the poor man.
The 2nd guy hears all this screaming from the woods, but really is scared of dying, so he says "I have A family, I think that BUNGA BUNGA! would be my safest bet" so they take him out, and rape the shit outta him too. The third guy hears all this crazy screaming in the woods, and kinda gets the idea that they're probably tearing these guys up, if you know what I mean, so he says, "What the hell, I choose Death!" and the Chief replies "DEATH! by BUNGA BUNGA!"
 
A group of old ladies were having their photograph taken by a professional photographer. He had an old fashioned camera with a big flash, etc. He put the cover over his head and fiddled around with the camera.

One of the women, Agnes, said to another, 'Ethel, what is he doing?'

Ethel said, 'He's going to focus.'

'What?' she said. 'All of us?'


😛 😛 😛
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
What's New

11/15/2024
Need to report a post? The button to do so is in the posts lower left.
Tickle Experiment
Door 44
Live Camgirls!
Live Camgirls
Streaming Videos
streaming tickling videos on demand at the TMF!
Tickling videos on demand!
Pic of the Week
Pic of the Week
Congratulations to
*** brad1701 ***
 The winner of our weekly Trivia, held every Sunday night at 11PM EST in our Chat Room
Back
Top