Official TT Jokes Thread - Read and Post your Jokes Here!

[tickle_fan031]

Everyday a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine,inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.After a week of this,she files a complaint of sexual harrassment.
The boss asks,"What's sexually threatening being told by a colleague that your hair smells nice?"
She replies,"It's Dave,the midget!"

 

[Senshi1]

A German couple have a little girl, and for years she never utters a sound - not so much as a gurgle. They take her to the doctor who examines her and reports that nothing is wrong with her brain or vocal chords. "She must just be a very quiet baby" he tells them.

So the parents accept this and 8 soundless years pass. One day, the mother is doing the ironing when she hears a sound from upstairs: "Bitter"

She rushes upstairs to her daughters room. "What did you say!?"

The daughter looks at her and says; "Muter, zis apple pie ist bitter."

The mother is stunned. "You can talk!? Then why have you been silent all these years!?"

The daughter continues eating her apple pie and says; "Because until now, every'sing has been satisfactory."

 

[palindration1]

Two doctors are in the hallway complaining about nurse Nancy.

''She's out of control!'' the first doctor says. ''She does everything backwards. Just last week I told her to give a man two milligrams of morphine every ten hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every two hours, he almost died!''

''That's nothing,'' said the second doctor, “earlier this week I told her to give a man an enema every 24 hours, she tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!''

All of a sudden they heard a blood curldling scream from down the hallway.

''OH MY GOD! I just realized that I told nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smiths boil!'''

 

[brad1701]

I'll give this a try...

What do you call a dog with two front legs and steet testicles?


Sssssssparky.

 

[Paulie1]

Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first?


To see the expression on its face.

 

[brad1701]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get on its bad side.

 

[Headsnap]

Horse walks into a bar, walks up to the bar and orders a pint of Carling. The barman asks "Why the long face?". Horse replies "Because whenever I walk into a bar the barman always asks me the same question."

********************

On the fourth day God created England, a land of verdant hills and rolling meadows upon which he wrought a people resilient and humble, resourceful and true, born to one day become the masters of His earth. To the north he created Scotland, a land of rugged beauty populated by a people of natural strength and keen intelligence. To the west he created Wales, the home of heroes and poets destined to forge great legends, and finally he created Ireland, an eternal emerald isle upon which he placed a people whose strength and courage made the angels themselves weep with envy. Gabriel came before The Lord as he forged Grand Britannia, his gaze averted reverently.

"Lord", said Gabriel, "This is surely unfair. Look at what you have created here; these islands are beautiful beyond compare, their people strong and virtuous beyond the dreams of other meagre men. These islands contain the greatest of your creations, and I do believe you've gone over the top in your favour of them."

"Don't be so sure", replied God, "Wait 'til I create the French."

********************

WOKKA WOKKA WOKKA

 

[theteam1]

A rabbi gets in front of his congregation and says that he is leaving to go to a larger congregation that can pay him more.

There is a hush—no one wants him to leave. Sol Epstein, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up and proclaims, "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a minivan to transport their children!" The congregation applauds.

Sam Goldstein, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the rabbi will stay, I'll personally double his salary, and also will establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!" The congregation cheers again.

Sadie Goldfarb, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Rabbi stays, I will give him sex!" There is total silence.

The rabbi, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Sadie's 90-year-old husband Jacob is now trying to hide, holding his forehead in the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies, "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Screw the Rabbi.'"

 

[theteam1]

A guy sees his buddy in a bar and says, "You're not going to believe this,but I've got a wild nymphomaniac in my car out in the parking lot. She's wearing me out! Can you go out to the car and keep her busy? The dome light is off, so she won't know you're not me!"

His friend agrees and goes out to his car.

They climb into the back seat and start going at it.

A few minutes later, a cop sees them and starts banging on the window, shining his flashlight inside. "What the hell do you two think you're doing?"

The guy says, "Oh, there's nothing wrong, she's my wife."

The cop says, "Oh, sorry,I didn't know."

The guy says "Neither did I until you shined that light in here."

 

[theteam1]

Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the counter with a great big smile on his face.

Dave says "John what are you so happy for?"

"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat, and a redhead came up to me... tits out to here, Dave, tits out to here!

She says "Can I have a ride in your boat?" I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Dave, she couldn't swim!!."

The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the counter with a bigger smile on his face.

Dave says "What are you so happy about today John?"

"Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blonde came up to me... tits out to here, Dave, tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' "Sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her way out, Dave, way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim!!, Dave, she couldn't swim!!!!."

A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there crying over a beer.

Dave says "John, what are you so sad for?"

"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Dave, tits WAY out to here. I had more wood than my boat does. She says "Can I have a ride in your boat?" "Sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'Its either screw or swim!!'. Then, she pulled down her pants.... she had a dick, Dave !!! She had a great BIG dick!!! .....

.... Dave, ..... I CAN'T SWIM!!!"

 

[Bashiku]

Well here is a joke from my country. It is a very old joke and some of you probably don't know where my country is... let it stay a secret 😛

One day three presidents were traveling by a airplane, president Clinton, president Yeltsin and president Milosevic (old president of my country). To spend some time they decided to play a game. The objective of the game was to guess over what country were they flying with just putting their hand out of the window.
First was president Clinton. He putted the hand through the window and after few seconds said "We are flying over the America."
"How do you know?" they asked, but he smirked and replied calmly "Only we have skyscrapers this high."
Next was president Yeltsin. He putted his hand out and after few moments quessed "Russia!"
"How do you know?", "Only we have so cold and stingy air." he replied.
Last one was president Milosevic. He putted his left hand through the window and pulled it back after few moments.
"Serbia." he said with a smirk.
"How do you know?"
"My watch has been stolen..."

Again this is an old joke... we are no thief, and I am sorry if it is not very funny... it is hard translating jokes to other languages 🙁

 

[MistressValerie1]

You translated it well, Bashiku, and I loved it 😉

 

[Bashiku]

I have many more, but i just need time to translate it more thoroughly... I will add more soon 😛

 

[Bashiku]

Teacher asked the students to write a single word and to explain it. First one to reply was little Moe.
"Perversion." he said.
"Ok Moe... Now explain that word without using any naughty words." she told him nervously.
"Ok... well... imagine two girl walking down the street eating ice cream, one is licking it and other is biting it. Which one of those girls is married?"
"Well..." said the teacher blushing, take few moments to think about it and said "The one who bites?"
"No... the one with the wedding ring is married and that what you though was perversion!"

 

[Bashiku]

A little imbecile boy forgets a parrot in the fridge. After five hours the boy opens the fridge and happily says:
"Who do I see there?!"
The parrot replies to that:
"A penguin you mo*********** twit."

 

[Bashiku]

God decided one day to accept only the craziest cases of death in heaven. After a while he heard a knock on heavens door.
"WE ACCEPT ONLY THE ONES WHO DIED WITH A CRAZY DEATH!" he said.
The dead guy replies to that:
"No prob. Imagine this. I always knew my wife was cheating me, so today I came back home three hours early. I rushed up eleven floor without stopping, barged into the apartment, searched whole house and I find a naked guy hanging on my gallery. I picked up a hammer and smashed his fingers with full force. He fell down, but idiot was lucky enough to fall on soft bushes and survive. In rage I took kitchens fridge and threw it on him. From all that excitement I got a heart attack and here I am now.
"YOU MAY ENTER!" said the God.
After a while here comes another dead person.
"WE ACCEPT ONLY THE ONES WHO DIED WITH A CRAZY DEATH!" said the God again.
"No problem. Listen to my tale and you will be fascinated. Here I was doing my everyday exercises for whole body naked on my gallery, when dear God, I tripped over a pot. It was pure luck that I managed to grab onto the gallery of apartment below me when here comes some idiot and bashes my fingers with a hammer. I almost gave up on life when I landed softly on the bushes. I prayed to you for helping me survive that when that same idiot hit me with a fridge."
"YOU MAY ENTER!" said the God.
No longer than seconds later another knock hits the heaven door.
"WE ACCEPT ONLY THOSE WHO DIED WITH A CRAZY DEATH!" said the God.
"No biggy old dude. Listen to this. There I was sitting naked in the fridge when suddenly..."
"THAT IS ENOUGH, I KNOW THE REST. YOU MAY ENTER!"

 

[MistressValerie1]

Thanks, Bashiku -- those were all excellent :super_hap

Here is a naughty one:

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle". While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought better and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch of her breast and said "You know if you firmed these up you could get rid of your bra". This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your brother!"

 

[Bashiku]

Lol that was a good one! 😀
I am still laughing 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀
If it is naughty ones you want, then you will get them 😛

 

[Bashiku]

Joe and Moe where taking test from physics on university. First one to take the oral test was Joe and so the professor gave him a problem.
-Let us tell that you Joe are traveling by train and it is very hot... what do you do?
-I open the window.
-Great. Now the window is 1.5 square meters large and the compartment is 12 cubical meters large, the train rushes 80 miles per hour, and a southern wind is blowing at rate of 5 meter per second. When will the department be filled by fresh air.
Joe of course didn't know, so he failed the test. On the way out he told Moe that he should not in any case open the window.
Now Moe was taking the oral test and professor started.
-Let us tell that you Moe are traveling by train and it is very hot what do you do?
-I take off my jacket.
-You are still hot, what do you do?
-I take off my sweater and t shirt!
-You are still very hot!
-I take off my pants and sock!
The angry professor already started to yell.
-Imagine that on the seat right across you was a male that was getting aroused by your stripping! What then?!
-The whole train may fuck me, but I am not opening the window!!

 

[Bashiku]

First grader asks his dad:
-Dad how was I brought onto this world?
-Well son, stork brought you here.
-To hell dad, you had sex with everything on two feet.

 

[Bashiku]

The judge asks Joe.
-Ok Joe will you explain it to me how you managed to run over 52 persons?
-Well my brakes broke.
-But to run over so many.
-Well at the moment my brakes broke down I saw two guys on one side of the street, and 50 on other side.
-AND?
-Then I thought 'It is better to run over two than fifty".
-Ok but how did you manage to run over others.
-Well I ran over the first one, but the other one ran into those other 50...

 

[Bashiku]

The rookie priest was so nervous over his first preach that he asked bishop what to do. He recommended that he should drink water with few drops of vodka. After that he felt so relaxed. Sometime after the preach he found a note from bishop that looked something like this.
"Dear priest, next time put few drops of vodka into water, not other way around. Besides that here are some more tips about your preaching.
1. He don't put slice of lemon on the edge of the goblet.
2. Don't rest on the statue of blessed virgin Marie, don't hug her and don't kiss her.
3. There are ten commands not 12, 12 apostle not 7 and none of them was a dwarf.
4. Jesus and his disciples he don't call "J.C. and Co."
5. David beat Goliath with rock and slingshot, not by tearing him up and breaking his skull.
6. Judas we don't call son of a bitch.
7. The Pope we don't call El Padrino.
8. Bin Laden had no matter with Jesus's death.
9. Sinners go to hell, not in *********.
10. That guy beside the chorus, the one that you called a 'pervert and a homosexual in the dress', well that was me.

 

[Random_noob86]

Here's two. Apologies if they're reposts but I can't look at every joke that's ever been posted in here.

A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. A couple days before the cruise, the travel agent calls and says the cruise has been canceled, but he can get them on a three-day cruise instead. The guy says "OK," and goes to the pharmacy to buy three Dramamine and three condoms.

Next day, the agent calls back and says he now can book a five-day cruise. The guy says he'll take it. Returns to the same pharmacy and buys two more Dramamine and two more condoms.

The following day, the travel agent calls again and says he can now book an eight-day cruise. Guy says, "OK," and goes back to the pharmacy and asks for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.

Finally, the pharmacist asks, "Look, if it makes you sick, how come you keep doing it?"

========================================================================================

A young man goes into a drugstore to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

 

[Bashiku]

Decided Englishmen, French and a Serb to join the Cia. They sigh in for application. They survived all the test, survival in the wilderness, shotting range etc. The time has finally come for them to take final test.
First goes the Englishmen. He enters a room, sees a woman on the chair and a gun on the table. They instruct him to kill her. He aims and at the last moment backs down.
-I can't do it. Cia is Cia, but a lady is a lady.
He failed. Next one was the French. He entered, took gun from the table, listened to instructions and aimed. After few moments he too couldn't do it.
-Pardon moa. Cia is Cia, but I am a lady's person. I can't shoot her.
Next one was the Serb. He entered and after few minutes of quiet the shots were heard, which were followed by screams, sounds of breaking and other noise. After few minutes comes out the Serb all covered in blood and says:
-Mo****** they gave me blanks so I had to kill her with the chair!

 

[luv2tikl]

Ok, I didn't have time to read through this whole thing all the way from 2004 or whatever, so I hope this isn't a repost. Here's one I read earlier today somewhere.

Little joey was in kindergarten and lived alone with his grandmother. One day he was out playing with his friends, and he came in the house to ask his grandma a question. When he found her, he asked "Grandma, what do you call it when two people sleep in the same bed as each other and one person is on top and the other is on the bottom?" She thought about for a little bit, and decided to be honest with him. "That's called sexual intercourse, Joey" She replied. He thanked her and darted out the door, only to come darting back in several minutes later saying "Grandma, you were wrong, it's called a bunk bed. Also, Jimmy's mom wants to have a talk with you!"