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Official TT Jokes Thread - Read and Post your Jokes Here!
- Thread starter MistressValerie1
- Start date
Senshi1
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I challenge that joke! 😀
Okay, if you get offended by sick jokes, don't read this. And if you do get offended and you read this anyway, please don't flame me because that would be off-topic.
A man goes into hospital to see his newborn son. He tells the nurse his name and she takes him to the nursery. She picks the baby out of its case and says "this is your son." The man grows all teary eyed and starts saying "I'm a father! I'm a father!"
Suddenly, the nurse drops the baby. "Crap!" she says, bending down to pick it up. The man is horrified. Suddenly, the nurse drop-kicks the baby across the room. She runs after it, picks it up, swings it around by the legs and starts smashing it against tables and walls.
"Stop! Stop!" the man shouts, "what are you doing!? That's my son!!"
The nurse stops and looks at the man very seriously. Suddenly, her face cracks. "April fools!" she laughs, "it was born dead."
Okay, if you get offended by sick jokes, don't read this. And if you do get offended and you read this anyway, please don't flame me because that would be off-topic.
A man goes into hospital to see his newborn son. He tells the nurse his name and she takes him to the nursery. She picks the baby out of its case and says "this is your son." The man grows all teary eyed and starts saying "I'm a father! I'm a father!"
Suddenly, the nurse drops the baby. "Crap!" she says, bending down to pick it up. The man is horrified. Suddenly, the nurse drop-kicks the baby across the room. She runs after it, picks it up, swings it around by the legs and starts smashing it against tables and walls.
"Stop! Stop!" the man shouts, "what are you doing!? That's my son!!"
The nurse stops and looks at the man very seriously. Suddenly, her face cracks. "April fools!" she laughs, "it was born dead."
tickle_fan031
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Awww hahaha I'm prob just really evil but that it rather funny.hehe
somebody231
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theteam1
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One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.
Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."
Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."
Senshi1
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A police officer in Los Angeles is at the scene of a car crash, taking notes. He writes in his notepad:
"Body in road
Car in garden
Head on boulivarde"
Frowning at his spelling, he crosses out "boulivarde" and puts "head on boolivard". He crosses it out again. Scowling, he looks briefly around him to check the coast is clear, gives the offending head a hard kick, and writes "head on sidewalk."
One more for you.
Why did the American Citizen rip off his shirt sleeves?
Because he heard he had the right to bare arms.
"Body in road
Car in garden
Head on boulivarde"
Frowning at his spelling, he crosses out "boulivarde" and puts "head on boolivard". He crosses it out again. Scowling, he looks briefly around him to check the coast is clear, gives the offending head a hard kick, and writes "head on sidewalk."
One more for you.
Why did the American Citizen rip off his shirt sleeves?
Because he heard he had the right to bare arms.
Warrior428
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Wrong Number
While doing some spring cleaning, a woman was listening to her radio. She then hears a song she found to be quite catchy. She was so preoccupied with cleaning the house that when the D.J. announced the song's information she got the name of the song, but she didn't quite catch the artist's name.
So she takes a break, grabs the yellow pages and calls the local music store. However, she accidentally dials the wrong number, she accidentally calls the plumber.
Now, thinking that she's speaking to a music store employee, she asks:
"Excuse me, but do you have 'Two Hot Lips on a Warm Moonlight?"
(The name of the song)
The plumber answers:
"No, but I have two big nuts and a 9-inch pipe."
She asks:
"Is that a record?"
He replies:
"No, but it's a pretty good average."
While doing some spring cleaning, a woman was listening to her radio. She then hears a song she found to be quite catchy. She was so preoccupied with cleaning the house that when the D.J. announced the song's information she got the name of the song, but she didn't quite catch the artist's name.
So she takes a break, grabs the yellow pages and calls the local music store. However, she accidentally dials the wrong number, she accidentally calls the plumber.
Now, thinking that she's speaking to a music store employee, she asks:
"Excuse me, but do you have 'Two Hot Lips on a Warm Moonlight?"
(The name of the song)
The plumber answers:
"No, but I have two big nuts and a 9-inch pipe."
She asks:
"Is that a record?"
He replies:
"No, but it's a pretty good average."
somebody231
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Seen the Conan "Finland-episode?"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DC0_q4ShCuc
roflmao "Forss Fagerström" 😀
"Come out Faggerström! I know you're in there!"
"Fagerström, I'm waiting!"
Cracked up at that one. Conan rules! 🙂
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DC0_q4ShCuc
roflmao "Forss Fagerström" 😀
"Come out Faggerström! I know you're in there!"
"Fagerström, I'm waiting!"
Cracked up at that one. Conan rules! 🙂
somebody231
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http://www.break.com/index/aidol.html
^^nice imitations of Jack Nicholson, Christopher Walken and Joe Pesci... Laughed my lungst out 🙂
^^nice imitations of Jack Nicholson, Christopher Walken and Joe Pesci... Laughed my lungst out 🙂
Betchass1
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Senshi said:
"America is a place where a citizen will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but not cross the street to vote in a national election."
Two women went out for a girls' night out, bar-hopping and dancing. On the way home, they both had to go really bad, but the only place around was a graveyard. They ducked in and did their thing. One had nothing to wipe with, so she used her panties and discarded them. The other had an expensive pair of panties on, so she grabbed a ribbon from someone's wreath and wiped with that.
The next day their boyfriends were talking and one said, "Jim, I have to tell you, I think Brenda's cheating on me. She got home last night and didn't have her panties!"
Jim says, "Consider yourself lucky, Bob. When Sally got home she had a card in her ass that said, 'From all of us at the fire department. We'll never forget you!'"
Betchass1
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nessonite said:
"Master Bates" was in fact used extensively in Charles Dickens' 'Oliver Twist', referring to Charley Bates. He uses weird names a lot, but that one was totally out of place. It had to be on purpose.
http://dickens.thefreelibrary.com/Oliver-Twist-Or-The-Parish-Boys-Progress/1-25
"Master Bates was also attentive to the play; but being of a more excitable nature than his accomplished friend, it was observable that he more frequently applied himself to the gin-and-water, and moreover indulged in many jests and irrelevant remarks, all highly unbecoming a scientific rubber. Indeed, the Artful, presuming upon their close attachment, more than once took occasion to reason gravely with his companion upon these improprieties; all of which remonstrances, Master Bates received in extremely good part; merely requesting his friend to be 'blowed,' or to insert his head in a sack, or replying with some other neatly-turned witticism of a similar kind, the happy application of which, excited considerable admiration in the mind of Mr. Chitling. It was remarkable that the latter gentleman and his partner invariably lost; and that the circumstance, so far from angering Master Bates, appeared to afford him the highest amusement, inasmuch as he laughed most uproariously at the end of every deal, and protested that he had never seen such a jolly game in all his born days."
Betchass1
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Cheech and Chong
Funniest thing I've seen in a long time.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1oT0vYSXe-A
Funniest thing I've seen in a long time.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1oT0vYSXe-A
tickle_fan031
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Check your dirty IQ
Questions:
1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?
2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?
3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I?
4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard . What am I?
5. All day long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?
6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When You blow me you feel good. What am I?
7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I?
8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?
9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I?
10. I'm at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when engaged in my job. What am I?
Answers:
1. a dentist
2. a wedding ring
3. peanut butter
4.chewing gum
5. an elevator
6. a nose
7. a newspaper boy
8. a glove
9. a crane
10. a toothbrush, of course!
Now Really! Just what were you thinking?
Questions:
1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?
2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?
3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I?
4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard . What am I?
5. All day long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?
6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When You blow me you feel good. What am I?
7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I?
8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?
9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I?
10. I'm at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when engaged in my job. What am I?
Answers:
1. a dentist
2. a wedding ring
3. peanut butter
4.chewing gum
5. an elevator
6. a nose
7. a newspaper boy
8. a glove
9. a crane
10. a toothbrush, of course!
Now Really! Just what were you thinking?
ticklish_sage
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It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife are facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes about her false leg...
Personally, I think it's prosthetic!
News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his wife Heather Mills- McCartney.
Mrs Mills- McCartney is said to be distraught over the split. "He has been my crutch for so long"! She said in an earlier briefing, I have no idea why this has happened, I'm stumped?
"Shes running around in circles", according to a close friend, she will need all the support she can get its not like its easy to walk out on a relationship like this?
It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the marriage, Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world amassing a colossal wealth due to his participation with The Beatles and subsequent musical collaborations, if an agreement hasn't been signed it is believed that she wont have a leg to stand on.
Rumours abound over the split have suggested that infidelity may have been the cause. Shes terrible a source stated, "always trying to get her leg over".
Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the cause. "Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said, "he would get home at night and find her legless?"
Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present that Paul had got prior to the wedding; he gave her a new Prosthetic leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler. The main gift was a plane but then he gave her a Lady-Shave for the other leg.
Apparently she wants to keep the plane he bought her for Christmas, she says shell buy her own Immac for the other leg!
A poem by Sir Paul McCartney -
I lay upon a grassy bank
My hands were all a quiver
I slowly removed her suspender belt
and her leg fell in the river
A Miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his mate I'm ****ed, who will want a one legged gold digger? His mate says try Paul McCartney
Q: What had 3 legs and lived on a farm?
A: The McCartneys
These jokes are funny but lets spare a thought for Paul please. Now she has left him, he's going to struggle to find another lady that can fill her shoe.
Personally, I think it's prosthetic!
News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his wife Heather Mills- McCartney.
Mrs Mills- McCartney is said to be distraught over the split. "He has been my crutch for so long"! She said in an earlier briefing, I have no idea why this has happened, I'm stumped?
"Shes running around in circles", according to a close friend, she will need all the support she can get its not like its easy to walk out on a relationship like this?
It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the marriage, Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world amassing a colossal wealth due to his participation with The Beatles and subsequent musical collaborations, if an agreement hasn't been signed it is believed that she wont have a leg to stand on.
Rumours abound over the split have suggested that infidelity may have been the cause. Shes terrible a source stated, "always trying to get her leg over".
Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the cause. "Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said, "he would get home at night and find her legless?"
Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present that Paul had got prior to the wedding; he gave her a new Prosthetic leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler. The main gift was a plane but then he gave her a Lady-Shave for the other leg.
Apparently she wants to keep the plane he bought her for Christmas, she says shell buy her own Immac for the other leg!
A poem by Sir Paul McCartney -
I lay upon a grassy bank
My hands were all a quiver
I slowly removed her suspender belt
and her leg fell in the river
A Miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his mate I'm ****ed, who will want a one legged gold digger? His mate says try Paul McCartney
Q: What had 3 legs and lived on a farm?
A: The McCartneys
These jokes are funny but lets spare a thought for Paul please. Now she has left him, he's going to struggle to find another lady that can fill her shoe.
The Lone Ranger is wandering through the desert on his trusty horse when he comes across Tonto lying flat as a rug with his ear to the ground.
"What are you doi-..." The Lone Ranger begins when Tonto interrupts.
"Stage coach come through here, two horses pulling it... one white and one brown. There are three passangers, one is a lady and the other two are men, one carries a shotgun. One the seat next tot he woman is a safe".
The Lone Ranger looks at the Indian in amazement and says "That's out-standing! You can tell all of that by simply putting your ear to the ground?!".
Tonto replies "No. The son of a bitch just ran me over"...
"What are you doi-..." The Lone Ranger begins when Tonto interrupts.
"Stage coach come through here, two horses pulling it... one white and one brown. There are three passangers, one is a lady and the other two are men, one carries a shotgun. One the seat next tot he woman is a safe".
The Lone Ranger looks at the Indian in amazement and says "That's out-standing! You can tell all of that by simply putting your ear to the ground?!".
Tonto replies "No. The son of a bitch just ran me over"...
Big_Dogg85
4th Level Yellow Feather
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Mine isn't as much of a joke per se, it's car acronyms! Like the following:
MUSTANG: Motor Under Strain, Transmission Almost No Good
OLDSMOBILE: Overpriced, Leisurely Drvien Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment
AUDI: Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
BMW: Bought My Wife
CHEVROLET: Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
DODGE: Dead On Day Guarantee Expired
and to close, for now...
FIAT: Fix It Again, Tony!
MUSTANG: Motor Under Strain, Transmission Almost No Good
OLDSMOBILE: Overpriced, Leisurely Drvien Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment
AUDI: Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
BMW: Bought My Wife
CHEVROLET: Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
DODGE: Dead On Day Guarantee Expired
and to close, for now...
FIAT: Fix It Again, Tony!
Ticklish Old Man
4th Level Red Feather
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FORD: Found On Road Dead (yeah yeah i know, that's old!)big_dogg85 said:
FORD: Fix Or Repair Daily
theteam1
1st Level Red Feather
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Last Wish
The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he said he didn't want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day.
Finally, when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold.
"No," the inmate said, "just get it over with."
"Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said the guard. "You didn't even want a special last meal!"
The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."
The guard nodded and told him to go ahead.
The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."
The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he said he didn't want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day.
Finally, when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold.
"No," the inmate said, "just get it over with."
"Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said the guard. "You didn't even want a special last meal!"
The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."
The guard nodded and told him to go ahead.
The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."
theteam1
1st Level Red Feather
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COMPUTER DEPENDENT
This illustrates how much we've become dependent on our computers.
Are you male or female?
To know the answer, look down!!!
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> Not here, Dummy!
This illustrates how much we've become dependent on our computers.
Are you male or female?
To know the answer, look down!!!
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MistressValerie1
Administrator
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- Mar 5, 2003
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Eek!
A man enters the hospital for a circumcision. When he comes to after the procedure, he's perturbed to see several doctors standing around his bed. "Son, there's been a bit of a mix-up," admits the surgeon. "I'm afraid there was an accident, and we were forced to perform a sex-change operation. You now have a vagina instead of a penis." "What!" gasps the patient. "You mean I'll never experience another erection?" "Oh, you might," the surgeon reassures him. "Just not yours."
A man enters the hospital for a circumcision. When he comes to after the procedure, he's perturbed to see several doctors standing around his bed. "Son, there's been a bit of a mix-up," admits the surgeon. "I'm afraid there was an accident, and we were forced to perform a sex-change operation. You now have a vagina instead of a penis." "What!" gasps the patient. "You mean I'll never experience another erection?" "Oh, you might," the surgeon reassures him. "Just not yours."
Big_Dogg85
4th Level Yellow Feather
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MistressValerie said:
ROFLMAO...that one made me cringe!
tickle_fan031
2nd Level Green Feather
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An octopus walks into a bar and says I bet I can play any instrument you give me.So one guy gives him a guitar and the octopus plays it better than Jimmy Hendrix. Another guy then says,
"I bet you can't play the piano!"
Then the octopus starts to play the piano and plays better than Elton John. A third guy then hands him the bagpipes.The octopus looks confused for a moment and the guy pipes up,
"Ha,you canne play it!"
The octopus replies,
"Play it?I was gonna sh*g it as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off!!"
"I bet you can't play the piano!"
Then the octopus starts to play the piano and plays better than Elton John. A third guy then hands him the bagpipes.The octopus looks confused for a moment and the guy pipes up,
"Ha,you canne play it!"
The octopus replies,
"Play it?I was gonna sh*g it as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off!!"
