Official TT Jokes Thread - Read and Post your Jokes Here!

[tickle_fan031]

Question: What is the difference between men and puppies?
Answer: Puppies grow up.


Question: Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?
Answer: Because they are...


Question: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?
Answer: Lay them properly once and you can walk all over them
forever.


Question: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one
would hit the ground first?
Answer: Who cares?????


Question: What did God say after he created man?
Answer: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!!!.


Question: What's the difference between an intelligent man & a UFO?
Answer: I don't know, I've never seen either.


Question: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
Answer: i) no mind ii) no business


Question: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
Answer:! Because even back then men wouldn't ask for directions.

Question: What is the difference between men and pigs?
Answer: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink...


Question: What makes men chase women they have no intention of
marrying?
Answer: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no
intention of driving.

Question: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
Answer: Exchange him!!


Question: Why do men like smart women?
Answer: Opposites attract.


Pass this on to some women who need a laugh.
and to men who can handle it!

 

[tickle_fan031]

The Man Rules*******************
Atlast a guy has taken the time to write this all down



Finally,the guys' side of the story.
(Imust admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules"
From the female side.



Now here are the rules from the male side.


These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!



1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl.

If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports

It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No

are perfectly acceptable answers

to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problemonlyif you want help solving it.

That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago

is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments

become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat,

you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said

can be interpreted two ways

and one of the ways

makes you sad or angry,

we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us

to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know

best how to do it,

just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible,

Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus

didNOTneed directions

and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors,

like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit,

not Acolor.

Pumpkin is also a fruit.

We havenoidea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it willbe scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong

and you say "nothing,"

We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying,

but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question

you don't want an answer to,

Expect an answer

you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear

is fine... Really.

1. Don 't ask us

what we're thinking about

unless you are prepared

to discuss such topics

as football orgolf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape.

RoundIS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know

men really don't mind that?

It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can -

to give them a bigger laugh.

 

[MistressValerie1]

Both of the above posts are laugh-out-loud hilarious, but my favourite is below:

Question: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?
Answer: Lay them properly once and you can walk all over them
forever.

Squish! 😱 😍 😛

 

[Boba11]

A young sales rep on his first day in a huge department store is approached by his manager.

Manager: 'How many customers have you spoken to today?'

Rep: One.

Manager: One? Is that all? You'd better pull your socks up, I expect more than that.

Rep: I made a profit of £150,000, though.

Manager: What?? How did you do that from one customer?

Rep: Well... first I sold him a fishhook. Then another fishhook, then a new fishing rod. Then I sold him a new net. Then I told him if he wanted to go fishing properly, he should get a new boat, he agreed, so I sold him a new motorboat. I asked him what kind of car he had, he told me only a little one, and I told him he'd need a bigger one to tow the new boat to the lake. So I sold him a new 4x4.

Manager: Jesus.... you mean to tell me a guy came in here for a fishhook, and you sold him all that stuff?

Rep: Oh, no.... he came in for some tampons for his wife, so I told him, 'Well, since your weekend's fucked, you might as well go fishing.'



🙂

 

[~Samurai~]

Mechanic Fixes on Airplanes

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high
school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then
pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be
said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual
maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and
the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

 

[tickle_fan031]

Both of the above posts are laugh-out-loud hilarious, but my favourite is below:


Squish! 😱 😍 😛

Haha makes it even funnier with a cheesy pic.:laughing:

 

[tickle_fan031]

The comic genius that was Tommy Cooper

1. Two blondes walk into a building....you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buymarijuana,press the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm forshorts.The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of hishead.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
'Is it common?'
"It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed,is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuckup my backside."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster,go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking batteryacid,and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.'So that was nice."

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb As digging continues into the night.

 

[duck171]

Three men were trying to guess the professions of their respective dates of the previous evening, judging by their bedroom performance and conversation.

The first insisted that his date had been a nurse, because she said, "Lie back and relax. This won't hurt a bit."

The second concluded that his must have been a school teacher, because she had said, "Do it over and over until you get it right."

The third figured that his date must have been a stewardess, because all she had said was, "Put this over your mouth and nose and continue to breathe normally."

 

[Jeebusaurus]

some from me . . .

how many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
to get to the other side!

what do gay horses eat?
heeeeeeyy!

how many cockroaches does it take to screw in a light bulb?
cant tell, when the lights go on they scatter!

how do you give a lemon an orgasm?
tickle it's citrus!

how do germans tie their shoes?
in little nazis!

how many software designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
none, thats a hardware problem!

how many emos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
none, let them cry in the dark!

two pretzels are walking down the street. one was a salted.

a baby seal walks into a club . . .


i think that'll be it for now. dont wanna use up all my best tricks right away😉


~jeebs

 

[Bashiku]

Well Tobi didn't contribute any jokes lately, because he got Tobi's syndrome, but here is one about oh-so-famous Chuck Norris. Tobi hopes that nobody heard about this one:

"Chuck Norris once had an sexual activity in the truck and a sample of his sperm got into the motor. We know this truck now as Optimus Prime!"

 

[melanie2]

how do you make a hormone.........

























forget to pay her...

 

[Senshi1]

Two silk-worms had a race - what was the result?

A tie! XD

 

[Bashiku]

John drove his car down the highway when suddenly something yellow jumped in front of it. He hit the break immediately, jumped out of the car and noticed the yellow dwarf. He cursed him and yelled at him until he calmed down and asked him what he wanted.

"I am a yellow dwarf and I am homeless gay... give me something to eat."

John pitied the dwarf and gave him the sandwich. He continued his way when suddenly something red jumped out in front of his car. Same thing as before John got out and yelled at him.

"I am red dwarg and I am homeless gay... give me something to drink."

ohn pitied the dwarf and gave him the soda. He continued his way when suddenly something blue jumped out in front of his car. Figuring the pattern John got out the car and said.

"Ok ok you are blue homeless gay dwarf. What do you want?"

"Your driver license sir!"

 

[Brat the Cat]

Strange but True Facts

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but men s noses and ears never stop growing.

When Coca-Cola began to be sold in China, they used characters that would sound like "Coca-Cola" when spoken. Unfortunately, what they turned out to mean was "Bite the wax tadpole". It did not sell well.

Tomatoes and cucumbers are fruits.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Some More Tidbits Added By Your Favorite Feline

Straight women will have at least 7 sexual partners in her lifetime

Lesbians will have at least 11 sexual partners in her lifetime

Bisexual women will have at least 16 sexual partners in her lifetime...13 men and 3 women!

Women currently outnumber men in the United States population 2 to 1

Lesbians and Bisexual women combined make up 50% of the total female population in the world and yet most countries completely ban gay/lesbian marriages...go figure

 

[ticklebug101]

This is kinda long, ready?
A husband was teachng his wife how to play golf. The lesson is going pretty well untill she smashes the ball through a window and breaks a valuable vase. The husband thinks uh oh, how much is this gonna cost me? So they go knock on the door and a man answears. The husband says, "Im so sorry about your vase, my wife hasnt quite got the hang of golf yet." "It's no problem, really," the man replies, "You actually kind of did me a favour. See, Im a genie and Iv'e been traped in this vase for 10,000 years. So as a token of gratitude, Im going to give you and your wife a wish each, and I'll have the 3rd wish." The husband looks at his wife and she says, "well that seems fair. I would like a house in every country in the world please." "No problem," replied the genie, "consider it done. What would you like sir?" "I would like 10,000 dollars every year for the rest of my life please." "Not a problem sir," replied the genie, "and now for my wish. I would like to take your wife to bed with me." The husband and wife look at each other and she says, "well, you are giving us what we want so, yes ok." So the wife and the genie go upstairs and come down 2 hours later and the genie says, "may I ask how old you both are?" "sure," said the husband, "Im 35 and so is my wife." The genie smiles and says, "I cant belive you guys are both 35 years old and you still belive in genies!"

 

[BigNorm]

This is kinda long, ready?
A husband was teachng his wife how to play golf. The lesson is going pretty well untill she smashes the ball through a window and breaks a valuable vase. The husband thinks uh oh, how much is this gonna cost me? So they go knock on the door and a man answears. The husband says, "Im so sorry about your vase, my wife hasnt quite got the hang of golf yet." "It's no problem, really," the man replies, "You actually kind of did me a favour. See, Im a genie and Iv'e been traped in this vase for 10,000 years. So as a token of gratitude, Im going to give you and your wife a wish each, and I'll have the 3rd wish." The husband looks at his wife and she says, "well that seems fair. I would like a house in every country in the world please." "No problem," replied the genie, "consider it done. What would you like sir?" "I would like 10,000 dollars every year for the rest of my life please." "Not a problem sir," replied the genie, "and now for my wish. I would like to take your wife to bed with me." The husband and wife look at each other and she says, "well, you are giving us what we want so, yes ok." So the wife and the genie go upstairs and come down 2 hours later and the genie says, "may I ask how old you both are?" "sure," said the husband, "Im 35 and so is my wife." The genie smiles and says, "I cant belive you guys are both 35 years old and you still belive in genies!"

lol! that's a good one!

 

[makemlaugh2003]

lol That one's a classic. Now let me try, if you will...

...I'll start out with a really quick joke which, that way, won't offend anyone's sensibilities too much if it's not a good one. Kind of the same strategy as baking a meatloaf into the size of, say, an ice cube.

But I digress. Here is the aforementioned, brief gag:

"A set of jumper cables walks into a bar. The bartender at first looks annoyed, even put-upon, but finally rolls his eyes and says, 'Okay, look, I guess I'll serve you, but for the love of God, you'd better not start anything in here.'"

(rim shot) :super_hap

 

[SpiritWarrior]

I've read this line in the male toilet at the University:

"Stand closer - it's not as big as you think"

'Granny, is it true that at the birthday party of Sue I will have to eat the cake using fork?'
'Yes, darling.'
'Granny, do you have a small cake to practice it?'

 

[Dr. Bill Kobb]

13 Things PMS Stands For:

1. Pass My Shotgun

2. Psychotic Mood Shift

3. Perpetual Munching Spree

4. Puffy Mid-Section

5. People Make me Sick

6. Provide Me with Sweets

7. Pardon My Sobbing

8. Pimples May Surface

9. Pass My Sweat pants

10. Pissy Mood Syndrome

11. Plainly; Men Suck

12. Pack My Stuff

and my favorite one:

13. POTENTIAL MURDER SUSPECT

 

[mikepd]

I am about to tell THE WORST "JOKE" ever. A man walks into a bar and falls down............I will now leave this thread with my head down and feeling alot of shame.

 

[Dr. Bill Kobb]

This is kinda fun:

 

[Dave2112]

Sick Tasteless Joke Alert!!! Sick Tasteless Joke Alert!!!
You Have Been Warned!!!​

......



.......



.......

What's 21 inches long and makes a woman scream all night?


.......


......


........


Crib Death


😱

 

[Dave2112]

Actually....I do have "The World's Sickest Joke" at hand, but I'm not gonna post it unless you guys are really ok with sick jokes. 🙂

 

[Dr. Bill Kobb]

Actually....I do have "The World's Sickest Joke" at hand, but I'm not gonna post it unless you guys are really ok with sick jokes. 🙂

Fine by me, but others may not be as nonchalant, depending on the subject matter.

This(below) is pretty vile:

 

[mikepd]

Lol. microwaved baby.